Chapter Text
Simon pulled himself slowly from stasis, his internal clock reading just past eight AM, giving an unnecessary little yawn he blinked open his eyes, a slurred good morning on his lips. That's when he realized he was alone. With a deep sigh he sat up looking at Markus’ empty half of the bed, trying to gauge how long his husband had been gone for. Simon of course, knew exactly where Markus was, he was where he always was on days like this, days when the memories became too much, when stasis became a living nightmare, replaying those last few moments of sheer terror from the war.
Simon snorted morosely pulling himself from the warmth of bed, a war the humans called it, as if both sides had been fighting, as if the Androids had ever willingly taken lives during their peaceful protests. He shook his head bitterly, it didn’t matter now, the humans could call it whatever the hell they wanted to, at the end of the day Androids were still free and that's what counted. As he shuffled out of the room, Simon noticed that Markus had left his coat draped haphazardly on the corner of his vacant easel, Simon took the worn fabric into his arms with another sigh “I swear this man is going to be the death of me,” He thought fondly making his way up the stairs to the top floor of their state sanctioned mansion.
The third floor was nothing special, just a few guest rooms and an unused office that had been collecting dust for the past five years, in fact there was only one thing that drew Markus up here, access to the roof. “Just how in the hell did he get out there?” Simon looked at the window in the derelict study, his anxiety growing as he realized that Markus had in fact taken his cane with him on his early morning adventure. If he had the cane with him, that meant today was a bad day, there had been a lot more of those recently Simon thought with a frown.
It had been months, almost a full year, after the revolution that the problems had begun. It was little things at first, a pop in his audio, a brief flash of fuzziness in his vision, the occasional spike of pain from his legs, Markus had dismissed the problems easily, placating Simons worry, then it had gotten worse. Now there were some days where Markus could barely function, relying heavily on a cane to walk and glasses to see having learned how to read lips long ago. It pained Simon to see his husband like this but try as he might he couldn’t make the stubborn man go and see Kamski for help. The two saw each other as brothers more than creator and creation, and Markus refused to let his older brother see him so weak.
Simon shook his head hoisting himself into the windowsill pushing the glass out on its creaking hinges, the chill November air blew over him sending an involuntary shiver through his system. He pulled himself out the open window and onto the roof outside, standing precariously on the sloped surface. Simon knew exactly where to go, making his way carefully on the snow slicked roof, up and around to the east side of the mansion. There he was standing dangerously close to the edge of the roof, his figure outlined by the rising sun, Markus.
Markus stood, his shoulders hunched, leaning heavily on a dark wooden cane he held in his right hand, his left dangling listlessly at his side. Simon didn’t hide his approach, he didn’t have to, if Markus was relying on the cane that much for support it was a safe bet that his hearing was out too. With a gentle touch Simon draped the coat he still carried over Markus shoulders, taking the man's free hand in his own, letting the synthetic skin fall away.
“What was it this time?” Simon asked over their mental link, the question almost ritualistic in a way, it was always the first thing he asked on days like today.
“The junkyard, the last march just before, when we were....” Markus trailed off still looking distantly into the sunrise.
“When we were cornered,” Simon finished, remembering the moment all too clearly, he had been ready to give up, ready to die. He shuddered at the memory tightening his grip on Markus’ hand.
“Sometimes I forget this is real, that this isn’t one of Cyber Lifes fucked up simulations.” Markus turned to look at Simon, he had been crying, tear tracks still apparent on his face. It broke Simons heart to see the strongest man he knew look so utterly broken, the weight of the world resting heavily on his bowed shoulders, slowly tearing him apart, bit by bit.
“Come back to bed dearest, I’ll reschedule your appointments, there's nothing too important going on. We can spend the day in bed, no work, no responsibilities, just us.” Simon sealed his idea with a soft kiss to his husbands brow praying that for once the stubborn man would just listen to him.
“That sounds nice,” Even over their connection Markus sounded tired closing his heterochromic eyes with a deep sigh. Inwardly Simon blanched at how easy that had been. Normally Markus and easy were the last two things put together in a sentence, that just showed how much the nightmares had taken out of the stoic man.
“Come on,” Simon pulled lightly at his husband urging the man away from the edge of the roof. Markus followed docily, hobbling along at Simons side as the blonde lead them safely back to the open window, dodging slick patches of ice along the way. Gently Simon helped Markus back into the mansion through the window steadying him when his legs nearly gave out as his feet touched the floor.
The pair remained silent on their way back to the bedroom the clicking of Markus’ cane against the hardwood the only sound that accompanied them. Simon walked by his husbands side still holding his hand tight ready to catch the man if his legs gave out.
“I really wish you would tell your brother about this,” He sighed, he seemed to be doing that alot as of late. Markus shook his head stubbornly.
“Eli has better things to worry about other than me.”
“Bullshit,” Simon retorted “and you know it, your brother would give you the world if you asked for it, new parts wouldn’t be a problem.” He kept his frustration in check, he knew why Markus was like this, he knew what would come next, but still he had to try.
“I don’t want him to see me like this Si,” Markus said brokenly, using his voice for the first time, turning to look Simon in the face, pausing just outside their bedroom door. “I’m nothing more than a sack of broken parts, broken parts that fit a broken man.” He spat the words bitterly as if they had left an acrid taste on his tongue.
“Sweetheart, you aren’t broken.” Simon knew the reassurance was in vain, they had, had this conversation too many times before. Markus didn’t even respond, looking away pushing open the door to their room, his coat went back on the easel as he hobbled back to bed sinking onto the mattress with a low pained groan. Simon remained in the doorway watching as the man he loved sat, head bowed shoulders shaking, making his decision Simon crossed the room stopping in front of Markus.
He fought back his own tears as he pulled his husband into his arms holding tightly as the man broke, shuddering sobs escaped Markus’ lips muffled by Simons shirt. “Oh Markus,” Simons chest felt tight as tears welled in his eyes, he hated this, how much pain and suffering his husband had to go through, some days Simon wondered if freedom was worth this much hurt.
“North, Josh?” Simon reached out calling his two friends hoping that they were awake.
“Simon, what is it?” North answered immediately, concern evident in her tone
“Yeah Si, what's wrong?” Josh’s reply came only a few seconds after Norths
“It’s Markus, he’s having a bad day,” Simon didn’t have to explain the others had been around Markus when the bad days had first started happening, they knew how terrible the nightmares could be, how much they took out of their leader.
“Shit,” North swore softly.
“He was doing so well too,” Josh said sadly.
“Almost three months, that's the longest he’s went without, since Carl passed.” Simon closed his eyes at the memory of his father-in-law, the old man had died only a few years after the revolution, his death had broken Markus. Simon shuddered at the thought of how Markus had looked in those weeks following Carl’s death, it had almost been like someone had reset him, he was a machine that followed a daily routine to the point of fault never showing a hint of emotion. Simon drew himself from the past leaning down to press a kiss to his husbands head. “I want us all to call in today, you two can come over in the afternoon, i’m going to try and get Markus to sleep again.” Simon sighed murmuring comforts to Markus gently pushing the man onto his back so he was lying on the bed.
“Alright, anything you want us to bring?” Josh asked, already adjusting all of their schedules to accommodate at least two days off.
“No, not that I can think of, I’ll call if anything comes to mind.” Simon thought quickly running through a checklist.
“Then we’ll see you two in a bit, take care of him for us Si,” Norths normal exuberance was subdued as she ended the call no doubt headed to the gym to work out her frustrations before she came over. Josh said his goodbyes as well leaving to go settle their absences from the political offices.
“Come on love, you need some sleep.” Simon leaned over Markus, brushing away his husbands tears with his thumbs.
“Stay with me?” Markus asked quietly, looking up at Simon resting his hand lightly over his husbands leaning into the blondes touch.
“Of course,” Simon murmured pressing a kiss to Markus’ forehead, he made his way around the bed climbing in on his side, almost immediately Markus was pressed close to him, his arms snaking around Simons waist as he pulled the blonde close. Simon smiled fondly pulling the covers up around them. “Sleep Markus,” He wrapped an arm around his husband as Markus laid his head against his chest letting out a tired sigh,closing his eyes. Simon watched for a short time making sure Markus was truly asleep before letting his own stasis take him.
Markus woke from his stasis with a jolt, the echoes of the dead and dying still playing through his thoughts. He opened his eyes to find half of his vision clouded, his only comfort was the fact that he was with Simon, that he was in his husbands arms and that he was safe. Markus breathed out an unnecessary sigh as he got his bearings, he was in his home, in his room, with his husband, he wasn’t back there, he wasn't back in the junkyard.
“Markus?” Simons voice was distorted and muffled, but at least Markus could hear at all, it was better than earlier.
“Hmmmm?” He didn’t bother with words, burrowing his head against Simons chest pulling his husband close.
“Another nightmare?” Simon ran a soothing hand along Markus back wishing he was able to do more for the man in his arms. Markus nodded not wishing to speak about it, at least not right now when the pain was fresh.
“Did you call Josh?” He asked instead hoping that Simon had remembered to call them in from work, the last thing he wanted to deal with now was angry politicians.
“Yes, he and North are going to come by in a bit too.” Simon shifted extricating himself from Markus’ grasp swinging his feet over the edge of the bed.
“Simon no, I don’t want them to see me like this.” Markus groaned watching as Simon walked around their bedroom gathering clothes for the both of them.
“They are your friends Markus, they have seen you at worse.” Simon turned to give Markus a stern look. “You can’t just hide away in this big house with nothing but me for company, it’s not healthy.” He put a neatly folded pile of clothes at the foot of their bed hands going to his hips.
“I…” Markus had no rebuttal for Simons words, instead he sat up, grunting as his legs sent a shock of pain lancing through his system. Simon was at his side as he began the arduous process of getting out of bed, his legs protesting the entire time.
“Here,” Simon handed Markus his cane as he stood.
“Thank you.” Markus hated the damn thing, it had started as a joke, something North and Josh had gotten to ‘complete his old man get up’ after he had started wearing his glasses, but now he needed the thing just to get out of bed in the morning, it was pathetic.
“How is your eye today?” Simon took Markus’ face in his hands looking his husband in the eyes as if trying to discern how much Markus could see.
“Better than yesterday.” He sighed grabbing for the glasses that lay on his nightstand, in truth they were a shitty solution and Markus knew it, a simple pair of human reading glasses that he had replaced the lens over his good eye with plain nonprescription glass, but it served its purpose. As soon as he slipped the glasses on, the blurry half of his vision came into focus and he let out a sigh.
“I’m going to go make sure we don’t need anything before North and Josh get here, come down whenever you want to.” Simon gave Markus a brilliant smile that made his breath catch and his stomach do a somersault.
“Alright, and Simon.” Markus called after his husband as the blonde moved to leave the room. “I love you, so much.” he smiled, he only ever seemed to be able to do that for Simon nowadays. The man in question turned coming back to Markus’ side, that wonderful smile never leaving his lips.
“I love you too,” He breathed putting his hands to his husbands hips and pulling him into a deep kiss, one that made Markus melt into Simons touch, his eyes fluttering closed. “Now go on a get dressed, North and Josh will be here soon,” Simon murmured pulling away much to Markus’ dismay.
“Alright, alright.” Markus chuckled shooing Simon away “Go on and go check whatever you need to downstairs, I won’t be long, though if you hear a thump you might want to come look for me.” Markus was only half joking, recently he had fallen in the shower and had ended up hitting his head pretty badly, Simon had threatened to buy him one of those shower chairs for the elderly.
“Of course, i’ll keep an ear out.” Simon kept his tone light, trying not to hint at his actual concern, he gave Markus a final peck on the lips before leaving their bedroom.
Markus watched Simon leave, making sure he had truly gone, as soon as he was certain Markus let his shoulders slump, pushing a hand under his glasses to rub at his eyes. “Damn it,” He swore tiredly clenching the top of his cane as he leaned most of his weight onto the dark wood.
Markus knew he must have looked pathetic as he gathered his clothing into his free arm and hobbled across the bedroom into their bathroom, he hated how long the simple trip took him, what he used to be able to do in a few quick steps now took him twice as long as he shuffled like an old man with his cane.
With a deep sigh Markus set down his clothes on the counter top of the sink bracing his hands against the basin as he looked in the mirror. Despite the fact that androids were ageless Markus looked older, the eyes that met his were hollow and haunted, devoid of their previous passion and spark. His right eye was hazy, almost as if he had what humans called cataracts, hesitantly Markus lifted the wire framed glasses from his face, setting them next to his clothes.
Immediately half of his vision was plunged into blurriness, he could hardly make out the painting on the wall behind him. Markus turned on the faucet in front of him, splashing cool water on his face in hopes of just maybe washing away the remnants of his nightmare. He shifted his weight slightly, regretting his decision as his right leg sent a sharp lancing stab of pain from his knee and up through his body, he had to catch himself on the counter before he could tumble to the ground.
“Shit,” He spat out the swear as if it had burned his lips on the way out. The last thing he wanted to do was fall, it would only worry Simon more. Gingerly Markus shifted his weight again, leaning heavily on the countertop managing to stabilize himself with a low groan of pain as his legs protested.
“Are you alright sweetheart?” Simon asked over their mental link.
“I’m fine, I just moved wrong.” Markus sighed, of course Simon had heard his stumble, the blonde had probably enhanced his hearing just to listen for Markus incase he needed help. “I’m alright,” He reassured sensing his husbands worry.
“You sure you don’t want me to come up there?” Markus hated how concerned his husband sounded, how much worry he caused Simon.
“No, no, I’m fine, I promise.” The last thing Markus wanted was Simon to come upstairs, it would just prove how weak he had gotten, how feeble he had become, what kind of leader would he be if he couldn’t even get dressed in the morning?
“Alright,” Simon relented. “I’ll be down here if you need me.” Markus could hear the reluctance in his husbands voice.
“If it happens again I’ll get you.” He knew that he wouldn’t be able to catch himself all the time, especially if his leg gave out once he was out of the bathroom, Markus hated having to rely on Simon for such simple things like just being able to move, but he knew Simon would be more angry at him if he got hurt due to his own stubbornness.
With a heavy sigh Markus cut off the connection between him and Simon, looking back up into the bathroom mirror meeting his own gaze. He was just so tired. Tired of the pain. Tired of being helpless. Tired of relying on people for simple tasks. Tired of living. He closed his eyes bowing his head as unbidden tears threatened to fall, today was a bad day, a day where the nightmares of his mind spilled over into his waking consciousness, today was a day where everything hurt and he just wanted it to end.
But Markus had to carry on, he had to shoulder this burden and keep going. He was the face of his people and if he fell to his own despair where would that leave the androids, where would it leave Simon? In truth Simon was the only reason Markus was still alive, the reason that Markus still wanted to live. Simon was his angel, his saving grace, the love of his life, and Markus would have given up years ago without him.
Markus pulled off his sleep wrinkled shirt, leaning his weight onto the counter top as he carefully began to rid himself of his pants trying not to move too suddenly, he was fine as long as he had a stable footing, it was when he moved that he had to worry about his legs giving out. It took him an absurdly long time just to get dressed in the simple sweatpants and shirt that Simon had picked out for him, but at least it was better than a suit, for those Markus did need help getting dressed in.
“Honey, are you dressed?” Simons voice once more filled Markus’ head soothing his still racing thoughts giving him a sense of peace.
“Almost.”
“Good, North and Josh are here, do you want to come downstairs or have us all come up?” Markus smiled fondly slipping his glasses back onto his face.
“I’ll come down.” He took his cane in hand making his way from the bathroom squaring his shoulders trying to calm himself down, it’s not that he didn’t want to see his friends, he just didn’t want his friends to see him as weak, but it was what Simon wanted him to do, and he would do anything to put a smile on the blondes face. So Markus summoned all of his energy moving to walk down the stairs a tired smile on his lips.