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Chapter Text

I.

The last time he saw him, Chuuya-san was in a bar.

            If Akutagawa recalled correctly, the redhead was heavily engaged in a verbal match against another one of the customers, eyes glazed and cheeks red. Akutagawa had been ordered to fetch the executive, and as much as it was a job considered for low-level grunts, he really couldn't imagine anyone else fetching Chuuya-san, because then Akutagawa would have them impaled with Rashomon for meddling with his duty.

            Yes, duty - as in, honor-bound, oath-loyal duty, because it was Dazai-san who asked for him, specifically.

            Watch out for him while I'm gone, Akutagawa-kun. I won't be long.

            Of course, Dazai-san never came back, but that doesn't mean Akutagawa could just abandon him like that.

            Akutagawa had always been better.

            He'd be the one to surpass Dazai-san.

            Akutagawa swore he only left for a second, went back to fetch the wine bottles Hirotsu-san offered (he'll come for those bottles, Akutagawa-kun. He'll follow you to the ends of earth just to get it). He'd planned to coax Chuuya-san out of the bar with more alcohol (yes, he knows, what an idea) but what can he do? Dazai -san would barely open his mouth and have Chuuya-san ditching his whiskey for him, and try as he might, Akutagawa could never reach that level of annoying.

            The point being: Chuuya-san was just right there, wagging his fingers at someone who just tried to flirt with him. He was saying something along the lines of stinking potbellies and mackerels are better than this, before Akutagawa took his eyes off the executive for no more than a second and he was just…gone.

            Now if Chuuya-san just vanished in thin air, not a single trace of hair or DNA to be found, then maybe Akutagawa wouldn't even have to bat an eyelid, because there's nothing wrong about Chuuya-san just disappearing.

            But considering how everyone in the bar had suddenly dropped dead, blood blooming in their chests where the heart should be, Akutagawa knew he had every reason to panic.

            The last time it happened, the bastard took Chuuya-san's hat.

            This time the hat sat in the counter, and the bastard had taken Chuuya-san.

 II. 

"This is the Armed Detective Agency, Nakajima Atsushi speaking. How may I help you?"

            "...you sound ridiculous, jinko."

            "Akutagawa! Who would've thought - "

            "Ugh. I knew it. This was a mistake -"

            "Wait, wait! It's just...you never call. Is there a problem?"

            (Cough). "...do I look like I have any other reason?"

            "I'm sure you have lots of reasons, Akutagawa. Most of the times those reasons are me."

            "I'll fucking kill you."

            "Sure, sure. But let's talk first because I'm just dying to know how you got our number."

            "It's literally in the yellow pages."

            "I know you killed so many people just to get to me, Akutagawa! Seriously, why can't you just ask me - "

            "Jinko, Chuuya-san had just been kidnapped."

            "..."

            "..."

            "..."

            "Oi. Did you hear me? I said - "

            "Shut it."

            "Excuse me?! Did you not hear what I just said?! Chuuya-san -"

            (Shuffling sounds,  screaming.) "Look, if Dazai-san hears - "

            "...that's Dazai-san screaming? What's happening over there, jinko?"

            "I - I'll explain later. Meet me at our spot. We can't have him knowing."

            "We don't have a spot."

            "Yes we do! Stop pretending you don't know"

            "What spot. I don't know any spot."

            "You know...the spot?"

            "I literally have no idea what you're talking about."

            "Well, get some ideas because I really don't know what they call that place."

            "Jinko, you - !"

            "Atsushi-kun ~ Who are you talking to?"

            "Nobody, Dazai-san - !"

III.

"You could've just said, 'the first place we met'." Akutagawa sneered, unable to believe how he had to comply for someone so stupid.

            "But you found it, didn't you?" The jinko crossed his arms, his grin a little too smug for a detective. He wondered if it's the special trait Dazai-san looked for in his subordinates - an annoyingly big head.

            "Cut the bullshit. I'd appreciate it if you stop taking me so lightly." Akutagawa put his hands in his pockets, stepping towards the jinko. Behind him, Rashomon peeked out from the darkness, the head almost invisible in the shadows of the alleyway. The jinko didn't even move an inch.

            "Is that what this is? You're looking for someone to fight?" The jinko's eyes flared, and Akutagawa had to give it to him. There was a sharpness in his gaze that definitely wasn't there the first time they met, and Akutagawa would be lying if he said he didn't want to re-eneact their first battle here.

            But Dazai-san also found them back then, and there's no way if his mentor wouldn't be popping out of the shadows anytime now. They had pressing matters to deal with."

            "Chuuya-san has been kidnapped." Akutagawa relented, leashing Rashomon.

            "So you keep saying."

            "You don't understand, jinko. Nobody else knows except for me."

            For a moment the jinko just stared at him, and Akutagawa wondered if he had to whack his head in order for him to get it.

            "...But can't Chuuya-san manipulate gravity? He's pretty much the strongest ability user I know, so if anybody can kidnap him, then that means - "

            "They're probably more powerful that the Guild." Akutagawa finished. "But that's not the problem - "

            "How is anyone more powerful than the Guild NOT a problem?!"

            "Chuuya-san is one of the five executives, jinko. If they find out he went missing, exactly in that manner, with me assigned to him and every possible witness was just fucking dead before he went up and disappeared - "

            "What do you mean exactly in that manner - "

            " - they would think he defected, Atsushi. Even though Chuuya-san is loyal to a fault and is actually fucking kidnapped, they would brand him as a traitor because that's exactly how Dazai-san disappeared."

            This time the jinko regarded him with fear, the gravity of the situation finally sinking in.

            Akutagawa finally let out the breath he didn't know he was holding.

            "...you just called me by my name."

            "...what."

            "Right now," Atsushi stepped back, eyes narrowing suspiciously. "I heard it. You called me by my name -"

            "We're talking about the kidnapping of one of the most dangerous criminal figures in Yokohama undergound, and you're mooning over your own stupid name - !"

IV. 

"...what's the news."

"Akutagawa, I just realized, if they kidnapped Chuuya-san, then they have to be more powerful than the guild!"

"Look, if you just called me to waste my time - "

"No, listen. Last time, it took more than the Port Mafia to defeat the Guild, right? What if we can help? I mean, we're the Armed Detective Agency! What else are we here for?"

"...that's exactly why I called you first, stupid."

"Oh."

V.

"I'm about to participate in a raid, jinko. You better have some intel."

            "...uh, I don't think I can help this time, Akutagawa."

            "What."

            "Well, you see, Ranpo-san won't help me because he keep saying it would ruin the plot development, Atsushi-kun. Apparently he said his sole pupose in life is to be everyone's scapegoat."

            "Wait, what do you mean - "

            "I want to tell him he's so important, Akutagawa! You know, Ranpo-san sometimes acts the way he does, but I know deep inside being the only non-ability user gets to him. And that's bullshit. Even though he's way more powerful than all of the Gifted combined - "

            "But even so, he won't help us. Got it. Find another way."

            "...we can always just ask Dazai-san, you know?"

            "..."

            "I mean, Dazai-san is supposed to be super good at figuring out stuff - "

            "Right. And remind me again why we have to go all the way downtown just to prevent Dazai-san from hearing all of this?"

            "...because he hates Chuuya-san?"

            "..."

            "..."

            "You know what, fuck Dazai-san. In what way are you a better subordinate than me?" 

            "Well, for starters, I'm not the one with a missing superior."

            "Fuck you."

            BEEP!

VI.

"Senpai, is something wrong?"

            Akutagawa glares at the sound of the voice - at Higuchi. Somehow her tone reminded him all too well of a certain pain-in-the-ass jinko, and if Akutagawa wasn't so damn desperate, he would've already ripped his stupid tiger ass to shreds.

            "You look like you're ready to commit a massacre, senpai." Higuchi remarked thoughtfully. In her full battle gear, Higuchi looked every bit of the Mafia she's supposed to be, but that stupid smiley face just had to go and ruin it.

            Like a certain someone.

            "We're literally about to raid an armory, Higuchi. Now don't go say another word because at this point I'm ready to commit a fucking genocide."

VII.

            Akutagawa couldn't commit genocide, although he had to admit he came pretty close.

            After 24 calls from the jinko (not counting the time Akutagawa chose to not to answer), 45 messages (not counting the times the man-tiger corrected himself from typos) and 10 times someone asked about Chuuya-san (not counting the times his name were mentioned in a typical Mafia conversation), Akutagawa had been ready to call it quits and ask help for his former superior, because all this torture was just not worth it. 

            He'd found himself a very secluded street payphone, a little bit far from both the Port Mafia and Armed Detective Agency headquarters, but close enough to still be part of Yokohama. The plan was to pretend to be the kidnapper, call Dazai-san, and get out of here as soon as he could (because Dazai-san has eyes everywhere. He could feel it). If all goes well, then maybe Dazai-san would call Akutagawa for help, then they take the jinko (as per fucking usual), and then they'll go on their little trip finding their mother, and kick some ass while they're at it.

            He took a deep breath and dialed Dazai-san's number.

            I can do this I can do this it's just a phone call I just have to pretend like the kidnapper it's not like I actually kidnapped Chuuya-san I did nothing wrong okay I'm doing this for everyone -

            Dazai-san picks up at the third ring. Just like he always did.

            "Only bastards call me from payphones, caller-san ~"

            Akutagawa opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He could already imagine Dazai-san tracing his call, red-eyes cold and headphones on ear as he hacked. Not too long and Dazai-san will have every information he needed: CCTV footages, sightings of a certain rabid dog of the Port Mafia -

            "I can hear you breathing, scum. You have five seconds to tell me what you want or you're going to regret prank-calling me."

            Visions of his time as Dazai-san's subordinate flashed in his mind, when the latter was too young to consider anything as a joke (Akutagawa wasn't that much different, really.) One time a group of thugs thought it was cool to prank-call the Demon Prodigy of Port Mafia, and look where it got them.

            Broken jaws and three shots fired in the middle of the chest. Cut out tongues too - because Dazai-san called it point of reference.

            Needless to say, Rashomon ended up eating the whole booth.

 VIII. 

"You would rather face Mori-dono instead of Dazai-kun?" Hirotsu-san raised his eyebrows, amused. Of course, Akutagawa ended up telling the truth to the old man first, because if anything, Hirotsu-san was the great uncle of the Port Mafia. For better or worse.

            The two of them stood against the great double doors of the Boss of the Port Mafia's office, with Akutagawa ready to tell the truth. He didn't need that much convincing to know he would face the Boss first instead of Dazai-san. No matter which was he looked at it, Mori-san deserved to know first.

            A ring from his phone stopped him, and Akutagawa had to pretend he wasn't glad for the interruption.

            Good thing Akutagawa prepared a speech beforehand.

            "Look, it's tough enough as it is, jinko. Yes, you're panicking. Yes, we're talking about Chuuya-san, and anyone who can kidnap the other half of soukoku had the be packing abilities stronger than the Guild. I get it. But right now I'm about to meet with Mori-san, so if you don't shut the fuck up - "

            "Akutagawa-kun. Are you sure you should be meeting with the boss at times like this?"

            Akutagawa almost dropped the phone.

            "...Dazai-san." He tried to explain. "I  - "

            "Meet me at the warehouse. You have five minutes before I leave you behind."

            Even from this far, Akutagawa could feel the man's bloodlust - that, and the bone-chilling tone his former superior used when someone was going to find themselves burning alive.

            "But Dazai-san, the jinko - "

            "Four minutes."

            He met Hirotsu-san's eyes, and the old man nodded in understanding. Go, he mouthed.

            "...I'm on my way."

            "Oh, and Akutagawa?"

            "Yes?"

            "Bring me a coat, the usual black. I don't want bloodstains on my favorite."

 IX. 

The first time it happened, Chuuya-san was also drinking.

            He didn't really know whom Chuuya-san was drinking with at that night, or if he drank alone, but it certainly wasn't the same bar and certainly not the same bystanders present. However, the method was the same: everyone dead in a blink of an eye, blood blooming where their hearts should be, except this time Chuuya-san wasn't taken but his hat was.

            Natuarlly, Chuuya-san accused Dazai-san. Even came in front of the Armed Detective Agency pointing fingers while he defied gravity(okay, that time Akutagawa was there. Mori-san sent him under the ministrations that the truce can't break, at least not in broad daylight).

            "Chuuya ~ that's no way to call out Juliet!"

            "Juliet, I will fucking skin you alive if you don't leave your office this instant."

            Akutagawa could only cover his face from the shadows, because proud as he was of his organization, he was in no way related to the floating man outside the Armed Detective Agency's office, breaking their windows and dragging out a certain bandaged man, who called himself Juliet.

            "I knew Shakespeare could use some spice in his life." He could hear Dazai-san say. "Imagine if Romeo just marched up to the Capulets and started breaking their windows, demanding Juliet to move his ass, because try as he might, Romeo can't deny he'd fucking tap that ass.

            "Romeo will fucking kill you, that's what!

            "Ah, but Chuuya, isn't this perfect? We're finally living up to the legend: me of the Armed Detective Agency, and you, the petite Mafia - besides, we get to commit lover's suicide!"

            "The only way you'll get your lover's suicide is if you tell me why you stole my fucking hat."

            "I...what?"

            "Don't play games with me, Dazai. I know you have it."

            "No, I don't. Why would I - "

            "You always hated that hat! It would make sense for you to steal it - "

            "Why in that world would I go so far for that piece of garbage - "

            "I knew it. Coming here was useless. You're useless."

            "So the reason you went all this way to visit me was because of your hat?"

            "Why the hell would I visit you at all."           

            "Maybe it's the universe's way of telling you to get rid of stupid things, Chuuya. Sentimentality never really suited you, like your hat." A shark's grin, and Akutagawa recognized this as Dazai-san from many years ago, he one he tried so hard to bury under that dunce detective hat.

            This time Chuuya-san dropped Dazai-san, with blatant disregard that they were clearly three floors up and dropping from that height would result in serious injuries. Dazai-san landed in the pavement with a sick crunch, and instead of a groan, the detective simply ended up laughing.

            "That...really hurt, Chuuya. I thought you needed my help?"

            "You're the one who told me to get rid of stupid things," Chuuya-san snapped. "Too bad it didn't kill you, but I guess you just have to blame your hard head, huh, Dazai?"

X. 

Slips of conversation Akutagawa heard before he left the Port Mafia Headquarters and called it a night:

            "I cannot believe you would use corruption just to take back that stupid hat."

            "It's not stupid, Dazai. It's called feelings."

            "You actually managed to have feelings for that hat. I knew it. Maybe it's some kind of mind-controlling device - "

            "I needed it back because it reminded me when we were fifteen, shitty bastard. I needed this hat because it has memories."

            "...You're a fucking dumbass, chibi. Never use your power for stupid shit again."

            "I used it for you countless times, didn't I?"

            "This is different. You would kill yourself for a fucking hat."

            "And how is that any different from a shitty mackerel?"

            "Just...don't do this to yourself, Chuuya. Please."

            "Okay, then how about this: maybe stop pretending like you actually care for me. Please." 

XI.

"Chuuya-san, why do you go so far for Dazai-san?"

            "What brings this about? "

            "Apparently Dazai-san wants the same for shin-soukoku. He wants me and the jinko to completely trust each other. I can't do it. Each time I see the man-tiger I just get this urge this kill him, and I will kill him. Someday."

            "But not today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that."

            "He could get himself kidnapped for all I care and I wouldn't bat an eye." 

            "But you'll still save him, won't you?"

            "...no, I won't."           

             "You hesistated."       

            "I coughed."

            "...that shitty Dazai had always been useless without me to rescue his ass, and that's me being honest. I can't count the number of missions he has to pretend to get caught and get informatiion while I bust out his mackerel ass."

            "Dazai-san complains a lot about how you would be always late."

            "...that's traffic."

            "You can defy gravity, Chuuya-san."

            "Look. The point is, we always got each other, no matter what. It's not about being soukoku or being Port Mafia. Dazai is Dazai...and I'm just me."

            "Dazai-san said you could get yourself kidnapped and he wouldn't even bat an eye."

            "...you take after him so much what the actual fuck."

XII.

            Akutagawa remembered his conversation with Chuuya-san as his mind ran all sorts of thoughts what could've happened to the jinko, especially now that Dazai-san knew what the two have been hiding all day.

            He remembered how rough Dazai-san can get with his punishments, almost bordering on a full-blown torture sessions, claiming it was to increase his tolerance for Mafia-level torture, just in case he get caught.

            You'll always get caught, Akutagawa-kun. It's a rite of passage for all Port Mafia. Anything else will look like child's play when I'm done with you.

            Akutagawa thought of Atsushi, naive and innocent Atsushi, and decided Dazai-san was wrong.

            You'll still save him, won't you?

            Now he really had to save Chuuya-san, if only to tell the redhead that he'd been right all along.                               

Chapter Text

XIII.

Seeing Dazai-san this angry was a first for Atsushi.

            Not that Dazai-san was an angel who couldn't bring himself to get mad at anyone, it's just that...he was always the one people got mad with, may be with his most recent suicidal techniques or washed-up antics. He'd seen Kunikida-san whack his senpai with a broom (really, why do I have to discipline you, shitty Dazai!?), he'd seen Fukuzawa-san glare at the bandaged man for an offhanded comment during a meeting (what,  Mori-san did have a shitty scarf! Don't tell me you're into that style, kaichou ~).

            The point being, Dazai-san literally doesn't get mad, because when all hope is lost (more likely when Atsushi is already missing a limb and Akutagawa is already coughing up blood), everyone else turns to mass of calm than was Dazai-san, trust that the man has some sort plan, and everything works out the way he planned it.

            "Bring me a coat, the usual black." Dazai-san ordered at the phone, still in that same eerie calm. "I don't want bloodstains getting on my favorite."

            Now Akutagawa being Dazai-san's former superior was old news, especially considering how the mafioso loathed Atsushi for stealing his beloved kouhai position.  But looking at Dazai-san, eyes almost red as his mouth pressed into a thin line, he wondered how Akutagawa even managed to survive in all those years, not when he had to deal with that. 

            "Ne, Atsushi-kun." Dazai-san stuffed the phone in his coat pockets, looking nothing like the man Atsushi rescued from the river not too long ago, prying him off the clutches off death.

            "You have five minutes to tell me everything."

            This was death itself, Atsushi realized. 

XIV.

"I cannot believe you would scare your kouhais half to death."

"I didn't scare them! If anything, they scared me! You know how I get when I'm worried!"

"Pfft - you? Worried, my ass. You're just looking for an excuse to play Mafia again."

"...I'm always worried about you."

"Oh, you are? I didn't notice."

"Yeah...I just realized, actually."         

 XV. 

Akutagawa arrived half a minute earlier, much to Atsushi's astonishment.

            It made Atsushi think about all the times he was late for meetups at the Armed Detective Agency (sometimes taking up thirty minutes, tops), because the train was full and there was traffic and he had to buy some chazuke on his way to work (because chazukes are always the way to go). He never really observed punctuality, considering how Dazai-san was his boss, but now he wondered how much Dazai had changed since coming to the Agency, if Akutagawa was to be expected to get here under five minutes.

            Okay, fine. Four. Because technicalities.

            Needless to say, watching Akutagawa stroll in the warehouse like he was in no rush at all - Atsushi slowly comprehended the meaning of the man's words, voice shrill and dripping with exasperation.

            In what way are you a better subordinate than me?

            A whole lot better, was what Atsushi wanted to say. But he was stupid and maybe a little petty, because the first time he calls me and it's because he needs something, that Atsushi just snapped and -  

            "...oi, jinko."

            Gray eyes blinked at him, and Atsushi nearly jumped. Too close.      

            "What?!"

            Akutagawa gave him a once over, something that shouldn't fluster him as much as did (heck, the mafia could be planning which part to stab, for all he know), but the man seemed to finally relax, his features growing softer. Atsushi cocked his head.

            "If you're going to stab me, just get on with it. You're scaring me."

            Now if anyone wanted to ask since getting stabbed became the norm for a Atsushi, he's going to have you wait for a long time before he could answer your question, because even he had no fucking idea.

            "You're okay." Akutagawa whispered. For a moment Atsushi thought he imagined it, but he thought he heard relief in the man's voice.

            Ha, now way. Now that's an even bigger joke than Atsushi's existence.

            Maybe I should ask. It's not that I'm assuming, it's always better to ask -

            "I tracked down their location." Dazai-san's voice echoed through the empty warehouse, stepping out of the shadows wearing the coat Akutagawa brought, and damn did he look like he fit right in with the Port Mafia.

            "What are we going to do, Dazai-san?" Atsushi asked, voice small.

            "...say that again."

            Atsushi stared at his senpai, then at Akutagawa, who gave him a subtle nudge with an elbow (read: it fucking hurt).

            Atsushi swallowed.

            "What are we going to do, Dazai-san?"

            Then, exactly as they would in any movie, the three of them lined  up with their faces forward, mouths set and expressions grim.

            "We're going to show those scum what it means to deal with soukoku."

XVI.

"...Akutagawa?"

"It's okay, jinko. It's not Dazai-san's first time going solo, besides, he's got us, so we should be fine- "

"I'm the only one who isn't dressed in black."

"...what."         

"Look at me! Why do I get to wear these suspenders while you guys get trench coats? You - your coat is literally a weapon!"        

"...that's because its my ability, jinko."

"And Dazai-san! Look at him! He looks like a Port Mafia executive with that black coat you gave him!"

"He was an executive, idiot."

"Oh."

"..."

"..."

"It's still not fair. Why don't I get one?"

"Because you're not Port Mafia, jinko. Never has, never will be."

"But Dazai-san isn't Port Mafia anymore, right? Why does he get a coat? Does the Port Mafia just mass produce the same black coat? Or...wait. I get it. This was your plan to reinstate your position as the beloved kouhai, wasn't it?"

"I'm surprised you even knew such words, jinko. Not bad for a street rat. But I'll have you know that I won't ever have to reinstate myself for anything, because I've always been the beloved kouhai."

"...ha. Since when were you beloved?"

"..."

"I mean, sure there's me, but aside from that - "

"!!!"

"Wait, why are you making that face? What did I - oh shit, no, what I meant was - "

"Akutagawa-kun ~ Just give Atsushi-kun his own coat so he would shut the fuck up."

XVII.

Chat messages exchanged between two subordinates, scared stiff as they walked down the enemy headquarters:

Nakajima Atsushi

akutagawa

Sent. 11:24pm

Arf arf

The fuck.

Get off your phone.

We're on a mission.

Sent. 11:25pm

Nakajima Atsushi

m scared

is

is dazai-san usualy dis silent

Sent. 11:25pm

Arf Arf

What did you expect?

This is Chuuya-san we're talking about.

He's probably worried out of his mind.

Sent. 11:27pm

Nakajima Atsushi

i rly thot they hated each otehr tho

like

rmember that time

the hat thing

Sent.  11:30pm

Arf Arf

Oh yeah

That was wild

Sent. 11:30pm

Nakajima Atsushi

i think

dazai san didnt really take it

Sent 11:31pm

Arf Arf

Of course it's not him!

He'd never take something so precious to Chuuya-san!

oh and did you know

that night

i heard them

Sent. 11:32pm

Nakajima Atsushi

oh GOD

teLL ME its not whTA I THINK

Sent.11:33pm

            Atsushi had been so engrossed in his phone that he didn't even notice that Dazai-san had already stopped in front of him.

            He only had enough time to grab for the phone as it reached the ground, his impact on bumping Dazai-san so strong that even Akutagawa grimaced.

            His grip on the phone remained tight. Thank goodness for his tiger reflexes.

            But when Atsushi looked up, Dazai-san was already watching, arms crossed.

            "You want to know what I think, Atsushi-kun ~?"

            Atsushi gulped as shivers ran down his spine.

            oh God this is it he's going to whip out a gun and shoot me -

            Dazai-san patted his head and smiled, so bright it almost lit up the room. "I think you should be more careful with your steps, Atsushi-kun. No point in getting injured when we haven't started."

            Atsushi spared Akutagawa a quick glance, unsure if he was the only one seeing this, but he's not. The mafioso looked downright terrified.

XVIII.

Slips of conversation Atsushi heard right after Chuuya-san broke their windows in a twisted re-enactment of Romeo and Juliet:

            "Maybe he just wanted you to pay attention, you dimwit."

            "You know, Yosano-sensei,  Kouyou-san said the same thing to me when we were kids."

            "...huh. So you've been an idiot for that long, huh?"

            "Me? An idiot? I'm literally the smartest person in Yokohama, save for Ranpo-san, of course. But that's besides the point - "

            "You know, Dazai-kun, you should be glad you got off easily with a few broken bones."

            "It's not a few when I literally saw the light, Yosano-sensei."

            "That's because it's in the middle of the fucking noon, idiot!" (Ouch!) "This is probably nothing (Hey!) compared to all the shit you put him through!"

            "Why are you all siding with that hat-rack? I'm not the one who dragged off one of your members asking for something he didn't even stole! Besides, wasn't that chibi the one who trashed our secret headquarters - "

            "You can lie to everyone, Dazai-kun. Everyone but yourself."

 XIX. 

"Dazai-san, I've been meaning to ask."

            "We're about to enter the fray, Akutagawa-kun. Is now really the time?"

            "Yes."

            "...fine. Shoot."

            (No, there were no guns involved, much to Atsushi's relief. But -)

            "You always told me that Chuuya-san could get himself kidnapped and you wouldn't even bat an eye. If that's the case, why are you doing this now?"          

            "..."

            "..."

             "It's actually very simple, Akutagawa-kun."

            "... no, it's not. You have nothing to gain from this. You never do anything unless you have some sort of trick in your sleeve - "

            "I lied, Akutagawa-kun. It's as simple as that." 

XX.

Seeing Dazai-san that happy was a first for Atsushi.

            Not that Dazai-san didn't smile a lot, in fact, he did have a shit-eating grin that always seemed to get on Kunikida-san's nerves and sometimes terrifyingly close to the knowing smirks of Ranpo-san - it's just that, Dazai-san simply never laughed. He never knew his mentor was capable of laughing with reckless abandon, not a care for any strategies and plans, nor did he look happier when he saw his favorite chibi floating outside the window, wagging his fingers as Dazai-san lounged on the couch.

            Chuuya ~ That's no way to call out Juliet!

            If the tone of Dazai-san's voice wasn't creepy enough, perhaps what surprised Atsushi the most was how Dazai-san literally brightened up at the presence of the Mafia Executive, as though he were waiting for this in a long, long time.

            Atsushi was lucky enough to watch the entire thing unfold, and for the first time in his life he was actually glad he came to the office in a Saturday (because Dazai-san never does his work).

            Atsushi would never admit that the real highlight of his day was watching a certain rabid dog lurking in the shadows, a little too obvious considering that he was literally just peeking at the corner alleyway by street. Atsushi could see him covering up his laugh with coughs all the way from the third floor of the Agency Office, and wondered how much ruckus would it take to get the mafioso interfering with his senpai's blunder.

            Maybe it's the universe's way of telling you to get rid of stupid things, Chuuya. Sentimentality never really suited you, like your hat.

            Now Atsushi didn't work for Dazai-san long enough to see through his antics, but even he could see that the detective was lying.

            After all, there was no mistaking the hurt in his voice when he realized that he wasn't important enough for a visit, just as Atsushi wasn't important enough for a single call.

            So the reason you went all this way to visit me was because of your hat?

            Defeated by a hat, Atsushi thought solemnly.

XXI.

            For the first time in his life, Atsushi realized why the Port Mafia liked to wear black.

            After 145 kills (okay so technically it was all Dazai-san and Akutagawa, but mostly Dazai-san-  and the whole time Atsushi kept thinking, this is okay, right? Like, technically these are bad guys, and they're good, even though the kill count is rising), 24 knockouts (this one was ALL him), and 15 grunts that were smart enough to get away: the three of them were pretty much drenched in blood, and it wasn't even theirs.

            Atsushi wondered if this was how the two operated back the Port Mafia, killing their enemies with ruthless efficiency, not even flinching as the spray of blood hits their face, and Dazai-san...no. Atsushi finally understood why Dazai Osamu was called the Demon Prodigy of the Port Mafia.             

            He finally understood how Akutagawa could say that he would never be one of them: this was an entirely different world than the one Atsushi grew up in, and as familiar as he was with torture and pain, he never had to be the one to inflict it. He couldn't even begin to imagine how much Dazai-san had probably changed from the person he was back then...although it did terrify him how easily he could come back.

            "I never wanted you to see me like this, Atsushi-kun." Dazai-san said out of the blue, reloading his gun. Aim, shoot, reload - as expected from someone who'd probably killed all his life.

            "He would've seen it eventually, Dazai-san." Akutagawa reassured him, but the mafioso was looking at Atsushi. His face was blank.

            Atsushi only sighed, because really, he didn't have to be a detective to know that the man was afraid of how he would react.

            "I'm not exactly a saint myself, you two." Atsushi told them, his nails elongating into claws. "I'm not going to cry because of a few dead bodies."

            He slashed at the enemy who was coming up behind Akutagawa, who didn't as much flinch at the knife that almost slit his neck.

            Both men stared at Atsushi, but it was Akutagawa was the first one to break into a smile.

            "I take it back, jinko. Maybe you'll fit right in."

XXII.

 "I can't believe they let you join, chibi."

            "Fuck you. Just wait until I kick your ass, shitty Dazai!"

            "But you'll do so much better kissing it, Chuuya ~"

            "Why, you - "

            "What's wrong with Kouyou-san's brothel, Chuuya? Does the men not suit your tastes?"

            "...I never liked the brothel, bastard."

            "You certainly have the looks for it, though."

            "I can't believe you think seducing people are all I'm ever good for."

            "But at least then you wouldn't have to stain that pretty little hands with blood. The Port Mafia will ruin you, Chuuya. That kind of world...they're just gonna squash you like the chibi you are."

            "...oi. Are you actually worried? For me?"

            "Pfft - me? As if."

            "I understand if you're threatened by my presence, shitty Dazai. Don't worry, I won't steal your position as Mori-san's protege."

            "Look, did you not just hear  -  "

            "Also, you can stop worrying about me. I can handle my own."

            "LALALALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU CHIBI ~"

XXIII.

To be honest, Atsushi didn't really know what he was expecting.

            For an organization capable of kidnapping the Nakahara Chuuya, Port Mafia executive and gravity-user extraordinaire, maybe Atsushi expected a Fyodor Dostoevsky-level menace - someone with a twisted sense of morals or an overrated God-complex.

            He'd been so ready to face a gruesome battle, kicking the doors open with Akutagawa and Dazai-san following beside him, and he even made sure to look presentable with his Port Mafia coat that marked Atsushi's bad-guy debut.

            Needless to say, he did not expect Chuuya-san sharing a bottle of Petrus with Yosano Akiko, looking nowhere near the beat up prisoner they expected him to be - the whole Armed Detective Agency in tow, all dressed up in finery. 

            Beside him, Akutagawa's soul had left him.

            But Dazai-san -

            Dazai-san just stared at the spectacle, genuine shock evident in his face, while the silence stretched for what seem like hours - with Chuuya-san staring at his ex-partner openmouthed. 

            "It was funny the first time, boys." Dazai-san whispered. "Now I'm fucking pissed."

Chapter Text

XXIV.

It was just supposed to be a prank.

                In all due honesty, the Armed Detective Agency had a way better things to do than mess with people, especially with the Port Mafia. But things change if it was Nakahara Chuuya - because even if the man did have the power to tear their Agency to shreds (see: the shambles of what used to be their secret headquarters), even if he was one of the five executives and would probably be sent to kill them all the some point - the fact remains that he used to be partners with Dazai, and anyone who can survive Dazai is the Agency's ally.

                Oh, and maybe there's also the fact that Dazai is hopelessly in love with the Mafia. 

                So yes.

                In all due honesty, Yosano just wanted to help (and be compensated for it, but she would talk about that later). Kunikida just wanted to get back at Dazai (through Chuuya, of course). Ranpo just wanted to see how far Dazai can go before turning to him for help (because having Dazai put down his pride as the demon prodigy was just the best) and Naomi just believes in true love while Tanizaki and Kenji help and also Fukuzawa should just really learn how to control his subordinates.

XXV.

"You know, Kunikida-kun, I saw the hat-rack today."

"...did you finally confess?"

"Pfft -  if I confessed about anything, I just told him how ugly his skinny jeans looked, because the way it fit his ass was so not Mafia."

"So you were gay."

"I'm trying to express my anger here, Kunikida-kun! You should be glad that I'm just ranting, instead of annoying you!"

"But you are annoying me, you stupid bandage wasting device! Take your unresolved feelings and sexual frustrations away from me and go!"

XXVI.

"Ne, Kenji-kun, what is it with hats?"

"What do you mean, Dazai-san?"

"I mean, you and the chibi. Both of your wear hats. Are you balding? I mean, if it's Chuuya, I can definitely understand, but you Kenji, you're too young - !"

"By chibi, did you mean Nakahara-san?"

"...you've met him?"

"They didn't tell you? He was the one who trashed our headquarters, Dazai-san! And his hat! He can walk upside down and it doesn't fall off!" 

"...the hat got even you, huh."

XXVII.

"So the chibi's hat is missing...Ranpo-san, with your super-deduction, you can find out everything, right?"

"...are you finally turning to me for help, Dazai-kun?"

"Uh, no offense Ranpo-san, but I think it's no that much of a big - "

"Oh, the lengths you go to hide your feelings."

"What?"

 "My super-deduction can see through anything, Dazai-kun. Even human hearts."

"..."

"Although there's really not much use in telling you something you already know."

XXVIII.

The first time it happened:

                "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't pulverize your agency." Nakahara gritted out, boulders flying behind him like missiles ready to be launched. There was an edge in his voice as he spoke, which told Yosano and Kunikida that the man was really, really pissed.

                Thankfully, Kunikida had always been an expert on negotiations. "You wouldn't want to break our truce, Nakahara-san. The Agency and the Port Mafia worked very hard for that ceasefire."

                Nakahara's eyes glowed with power, and Kunikida wondered just exactly was soukoku was like, if Nakahara alone was this.

                "You broke our truce the day you stole my fucking hat, asshole. Really, out of all things - my wallet, my watch, hell, even my coat - you just have to go for the fucking hat." 

                Kunikida opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. How was he supposed to explain that it was just supposed to be a prank? That Dazai had been pestering them nonstop about the Mafia's fashion sense, and thought it would be nice if the bastard received a wake-up call about his not-so-obvious feelings?

                Just as when he was sure they were about to die, Yosano spoke.

                "You wouldn't have been able to come all the way to visit him if it wasn't the hat." The doctor said, voice even despite the gravity of their situation. "Dazai-kun was the only one who could've stolen it, right? And considering the bad blood between you two, you wouldn't have had any excuse to pop into the Agency out of nowhere, unless something happened or Dazai did something really, really bad."

                "Good grief, it's so frustrating watching you two that I'm honestly surprised the Port Mafia hadn't done something about it." Yosano hefted her saw, the poster of nonchalance, thoroughly ignoring the bloodlust seeping off the executive. "Shouldn't you thank us, boy? Not only did you get a valid excuse to drop by, you get a damn good reason to break a few bones."

                A moment of silence, and then -

                "I never meant to hurt that bastard." Came Nakahara's slow but audible whisper. Behind him, the boulders dropped one by one, until all that's left standing in front of them was...probably the Chuuya that Dazai spoke of each time he went on a rant, the harmless chibi whose actions were purely motivated by the whisperings of his hat, as stated by Dazai.

                "You probably saw how he couldn't give less fucks," the mafioso laughed mirthlessly, which, for the life of Kunikida, he would never understand how the sound poked at something in his chest. He remembered how Dazai had loitered around the city all the day, telling everyone that he'll only be out to get new bandages but Kunikida saw.

                Saw how efficient his partner could be in an investigation he feels like doing, saw how he basically talked to everybody, saw how he walked around all day in search of the hat he claimed to hate so much only to return whining how the banages ran out of stock, so Dazai would have to conserve.

                (Kunikida had followed Dazai then, because he was the one tasked to keep Dazai from finding the hat).

                "Use corruption, Chuuya-kun." Yosano suddenly said.

                "Hah?" 

                It was both Kunikida and Nakahara would said it. Kunikida was just confused. The latter sounded terrified.

                "How did you even know about that? Did Dazai - "          

                "Yes, he told me, because he wanted me to treat you the next time he wasn't there. But that time will never come, because he'll always be there."

                "That mackerel is literally the epitome of tardiness."

                "Yeah, but not for you."

                "This could be your plan to get rid of Port Mafia's strongest asset, though. Why would I use Corruption for you?"

                "You won't be using it for me, Chuuya-kun. You'll be using it for you."

                "You want to die and have me kill myself?"

                "No, stupid. I want you to see for yourself what that bandage freak just couldn't say."

XXIX.

The second time it happened:

                "I need your help."

                It was one thing for the Port Mafia Executive to come barging into Armed Detective Agency first thing in the morning, where the sun had barely risen and Kunikida was just inserting the keys to set up the office for work.                

                It was entirely another to have the executive coming in on casual clothes, the oversized cream sweatshirt making him softer and definitely not the executive Kunikida knew him as. Floating besides him were boxes of donuts and coffee, whose smell wafted in the air so much in made Kunikida's stomach growl already.

                "I don't do favors for the Port Mafia, Nakahara-san. We may be on a truce and we may have stolen your hat one time, but I did it for the sole purpose of aggravating Dazai - "

                "I'm not asking you as a member of Port Mafia." The redhead scratched the back of his neck, looking everywhere except for Kunikida. The detective would be lying if he said he didn't find the mafioso's embarrassment endearing, and maybe this time he finally got what Dazai said about a cute chibi.

                Kunikida only jutted his chin up and raised his eyebrow, because he was not going to give in just a few seconds tops.

                "What...what you and the doctor said that night." The mafioso mumbled, cheeks definitely red now. He lowered his face with his hat. "I want to know...for sure. Because I'm - I'm done playing his games."

                "Shall we play him at his own game, then?" A voice signsonged, and both of them turned to a very hyper Yosano Akiko, already taking a donut from the executive boxes.

                Kunikida didn't even have time to scream it might be poisoned! or careful, we might have to pay for that! He only stared slack-jawed as the doctor led the executive inside their office, the donuts and coffee in tow, with her arm slung-over the mafioso's shoulder as she described the surefire way to get to Dazai.

XXX.

"I don't get it. Why not just let them in on the plan?"

"Please. If you involve Atsushi, the plan will be over before it even started. He'll spill everything to Dazai before news even spread."

"I guess the same goes for Akutagawa...he'd always been that mackerel's faithful subordinate."

"Look, I know it's hard for you not to include your sons - "

"My what?"                      

"But trust me. I'm not just doing this because you bribed me with a bottle of Petrus. I'm doing this so that bandage freak can finally shut up about you."

"...he talks about me?"

"Ugh, please don't ask."

XXXI.

"It was funny the first time, boys. Now I'm fucking pissed."

                In all due honesty, the Armed Detective Agency had way better things to do than mess with their own members, especially if it concerned their unofficial boyfriends. But things change if it was Dazai Osamu - because even if the man did help the Agency save the city for a considerable amount of times, even if he lived for the sole purpose of annoying everyone - the fact remains that he was still human, and he definitely had feelings for Chuuya.

                Oh, and maybe there's the fact that the Agency definitely enjoyed seeing Dazai worried out of his mind.

                So yes.

                Maybe they shouldn't have pushed too far.

XXXII.

"...Dazai. You came." Nakahara whispered, more astonished that shocked he'd just been discovered lounging instead of being - you know, kidnapped - and Kunikida though he actually saw the mafioso's eyes shining right there, or that was just some trick of the light.

                However, the same couldn't be applied to everyone, as Kunikida himself couldn't as much move a muscle after seeing the bone-chilling look on his co-worker's eyes - and the way he killed those people...who knows what would've happened if they had real people instead of Tanizaki's Light Snow? 

                Behind Dazai, both Atsushi and Akutagawa took a step back, perhaps sensing that maybe this time - this time - their mentor had finally snapped.

                "What the fuck is this, Chuuya?" Dazai crooned, "You missed me that much so you decided to play with me?"

                It was the same tone of voice his partner used on rare occassions, when some informants and smugglers refused to talk. Usually, he made Kunikida step out of the interrogation room while Dazai did the questioning,

                To their surprise, Nakahara casually stepped towards him, steps lighter and he was actually...smiling?

                Dazai pointed his gun at Nakahara's head, until the mafioso got close enough for his forehead to touch the barrel. Good God what the fuck is happening-

                "'Im so glad you're okay, chibi, I can't believe I worried so much about you'" The mafioso singsonged, much to Kunikida's horror. "Why is it so hard for you to say?"

                "...because I'm not worried about you, hat-rack."

                "Really."

                "I'm more worried about what I'd do if something happened to you."

XXXIII.

Nakajima Atsushi

CoUlD IT be?!!

Sent 1:49am

Arf Arf

Could what be?

Sent 1:49am

Nakajima Atsushi

that

Dazai-san

is aCTUALY a huge fuckinG SAP

Sent 1:51am

Arf Arf

HOW

DARE

YOU

CALL DAZAI-SAN A SAP

Sent 1:52am

Nakajima Atsushi

but he is ryt?

m literally watching some drama ovr here

Sent 1:52am

Arf Arf

shut up

its beautiful okay

after so long chuuya-san is finally getting the love he deserves

and dazai-san is actually facing his feelings!

ITS NOT BEING A SAP ITS BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF YOU USELESS FUCK

Sent 1:54am 

Nakajima Atsushi

yeah yeah good for them

what about me

when will i get the love i deserve

Sent 1:55am

Arf Arf

when i actually face my feelings

Sent 1:55am

Nakajima Atsushi

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sent 1:55am

Arf Arf

What.

wait 

SHIT

I didtn mean t typw tat

Sent 1:56am

Nakajima Atsushi

BUT

YOULL SAVE ME WHEN I GET KIDNAPED RYT?!

Sent 1:56am 

Arf Arf

*kidnapped

What the fuck is 'kidnaped' even.

Besides, no one else can kidnap you better than I do.

Sent 1:57am

Nakajima Atsushi

ooOHHHHHHH

so thta's how you like it  hehehehe

thats why ur eyes were sparkling so much when u tied me up back then

Sent 1:58am

Arf Arf

TF MY EYES DID NOT SPARKLE

ALSO WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING

Sent 2:00am

Nakajima Atsushi

iM SAYING

u better not wait until i get kidnaped

before u actually face ur feelings

Sent 2:00am

Arf Arf

*KIDNAPPING

God if you say 'kidnaped' one more time!

ALSO DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID

NO ONE ELSE CAN KIDNAP YOU BETTER THAN I DO.

Sent 2:01am

Nakajima Atsushi

but

what if they do tho

u kno

kidnape me

Sent 2:02am 

XXXIV.

"I'll fucking kill you!"

"Now now, Akutagawa-kun. Let's all be rational here ~ "

XXXV.

A completely secured telephone conversation that took place approximately five days after Chuuya’s “rescue”:

“Ne, Chuuya, do we tell him?”

“We…we can’t do that, Dazai. He’s gonna lose it.”

“You think we can find Atsushi-kun before anyone else?”

“What the fuck even happened, you stinking mackerel? How the fuck did you lose a subordinate?”

“Look, it’s not my fault, okay?! I swear he was just right there, eating his twelfth bowl of chazuke, and I just turned my back for a bit and then next thing I knew – poof! He was gone!”

“You just turned your back?”

“…yes! Just for like, five minutes!”

“You were flirting with the waitresses, weren't you.”

“BUT ATSUSHI WAS EATING TOO MUCH OKAY?! I DIDN’T BRING THAT MUCH MONEY WITH ME!”

“HOW CAN MONEY BE AN ISSUE WHEN YOU HAVE ME?”

“Oh.”

“Oh. Now you have to find the man-tiger before Akutagawa loses it and starts killing people.”

“Are you sure you didn’t conspire with my office workers for this?”

“Oi, stop talking to me like I just cheated at you or something. That was one time.”

“So the Agency wasn’t in on this?”

“Would I be asking you for help if they are?”

“Fair point.”

“Just find him, Dazai. I don’t care what you do or how you do it. Bring him back.”

“Spoken just like a good mother ~ Will do, then.”

“Chuuya-senpai, we’re supposed to meet with the Agency today, right?”

“ – shit. I forgot about the meeting. Go. I’ll stall for time on my side. “

 “I’ll bring him back, chibi. In fact, I think I’ll already have an idea where they’re hiding him.

BONUS:

Atsushi opened his eyes at the flickering lights, his hands and feet tied up.

                Now Atsushi doesn’t even struggle with kidnapping anymore - as a matter of fact, he would consider himself a veteran in the field. He’d encountered torture and starvation and a whole lot of things that should’ve killed him but didn’t, so Atsushi was convinced that this would be a piece of cake.

                The sound of footsteps filled the room, and Atsushi thought he was prepared for anything.

                Until he caught a familiar glimpse of blonde hair, with just the right amount of side bangs, golden-brown eyes staring down at him like he was piece work – a scrap she couldn't wait to dismantle.

                “So Akutagawa-senpai likes you.” Higuchi Ichiyou crossed her arms, unimpressed. “Don't worry,  I just want to know two things. First, since when, and second, how. “