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The burning of his throat seemed to strangle him of the oxygen his body needed to live; crimson filling his mouth, sputtering onto the mat that cover the floor under his feet. He felt sick... More then usual. Harsh, sharp breaths filled the empty, cold room; growing warm quickly with his rising temperture.
"Damn it all..."
His voice was rough, and brash as he continued to cough into his hand. The brunette could only cough a bitter laugh, his smile weak and almost pitiful. He only felt pitiful; damning himself for getting sick... His body was useless now, he could hardly leave bed without somebody stopping him; throwing him back, and tucking him in once more. Green orbs glared to the splash of red on the mat he knelt on; it was a bitter reminder that he wouldn't live as long as he wished.
So much for being a captain... Had everything to this point been for nothing...? He was going to die a sick man, not one of honor in battle like a true samurai. All his training, his hard work in the Shinsengumi was for nothing if he were to die this way.
Glancing over at the scabbard that sat beside his bed, his eyes held onto them for a long while, his mind and heart racing. The sword that had been with him since the beginning would be his death, and his alone.
He found himself with shaky hands and he extended himself toward it; a smile finding itself on his tight lips. If this was fear, he would laugh it off like he always did... He was strong, stronger then anyone else here. If he had to kill himself to die honorably then so be it. This would be his last night, his last breath, his last memory.
"You don't have to do it alone you know..."
He really must have been losing his touch as a voice crept to him from behind the sliding door; his body jumping from realization that there had been somebody watching him. At first, he stay silent, hoping the other would give up and leave him to die the way he wanted. But the voice remained, and continued.
"You don't have to pretend to be strong, Souji."
That gnawed on his nerves. He found himself looking to the door; his eyes harsh and his face dripping with sweat from his last attack. The red head chuckled lightly, leaning against the door frame. The glare that pierced him seemed to have no affect, as he only stood there and smiled down at the sickly male.
"I'm not pretending...! I am strong...! I'm stronger then anyone...!"
"What would Kondou-san say...If he saw you reaching for that blade...?"
He opened his mouth, then closed it as though he were a fish gasping at the open air. Then again, what did Sanosuke know about anything, he was nothing more then a hypocrite. The suicide he tried to preform on himself once before gave him no right to stop Souji from doing it now. The thought about his insides spilling on the white bedding sent sudden shivers up his spine; but he pay it no mind.
Souji only gave him an unenthused look, then quickly cast his gaze to the side as if he was thinking of something. His voice coming out quieter then he intened.
"I would rather die by my own hand then let this illness eat away at me till there's nothing left... Frankly, I'm getting tired of waiting for the damn thing to just let me drop dead..."
Sanosuke only remained quiet, Souji in turn; letting the room fill with an awkward aura that seemed to weigh over them heavily. Souji's chest rumbled with a light laugh, which evolved to a booming cough; crimson staining his lower lip as the disease that filled him worked away at his life.
He, too, was a samurai, so why would Sanosuke stop him like he did? He had every right to die in any way he wished. It was his life, not the others. It never mattered in the end, he was going to die sooner or later.
Souji's face grew bitter as Sanosuke just sat and watched him, his hand on his own stomach where his scar lay plastered on his skin. The brunette panted, a smile weak on his pale face. All Souji saw was pity.
"Heh...Feelin' sorry for me now...? It's too late, you may as well count me as dead too..."
A crack occured in his voice as he used his sleeve to clean away any mess that was left on his lips; sweat staining the white fabric, making it a light grey. They looked like tears, but his eyes were more then dry.
"Chizuru-chan..."
Soujji paused, and looked up at Sanosuke, a bewildered look on his face.
"...Chizuru-chan would be sad if you died..."
Sanosuke's voice was flat, but strong as it drove itself home to Souji's ears.
What did that girl have to do with anything at a time like this. Souji could care less... But his chest told him otherwise, as it tightened on itself; making it harder for him to breath. As he kept telling himself to forget her, Sanosuke spoke up once more.
"Kondou-san, Chizuru-chan, Hijikata-san...Everyone would be sad."
"What the hell am I supposed to do then?! Let this thing kill me?! You need to get away from me, before you're the one who ends up dying...!"
Quick to shout, Souji was already shifting himself to his feet. He'd had enough and wanted nothing more then to end it quickly.
As he moved, his legs and arms burned, his throat tingled, his chest felt like it was being torn. He was at the end of moving at all... If he didn't do it now, he wouldn't be able to move from bed and would die the way everyone else wanted him too. A pitiful death as a sick man. No longer a Samurai, but a sick and dying man...
"You can't say shit...You're the last one to say anything...!"
Coughing, Souji gripped tightly on the others shirt; pulling him closer, danger in his eyes. He was far too weak to lift himself any taller, the other standing over him as though he was just a child.
Sanosuke only shook his head, and placed his hand on the brunettes; feeling it ease in his light grasp.
"...You decide what to do...I'm only here for advice, old friend."
Sanosuke almost sounded sad, as it matched his hurt expression. Souji released him, and the red head showed himself to the door and stepped out into the moonlight.
"The sky is so clear tonight...A shame..."
One last shake of his head and he slowly made his way down the walk. His foot steps slowly fading away till there was nothing more then Souji's heavy breathing to fill the silence.
Emerald eyes found themselves once more on his blade; his hands reaching for it slowly.
If he were to do it, now would be the time...
A shame indeed... As his hand gripped onto the handle; he found himself slowly looking toward the mentioned sky, it shining brightly up ahead. The stars to match had made themselves useful in adding to the skies beauty.
He would never see this again... He would see none of this again. Everything he'd seen, would all be gone along with him.
His memories, his dreams, hopes, past, future... Everything.
"H-...Heh..."
A small laugh slipped through his tight lips; droplets finding themselves landing onto the scabbard that held his death.
"...I'm such a fool..."
Through his bitterness, a fearful feeling rose fastly within him. Slowly, Souji slid down to the floor; his face covered with held back tears. He'd not shown them since he was a child. A small, pitiful being.
He didn't want to die.
He didn't want anything to do with it, but was to stubborn to admit it. This wasn't strength, but weakness. The weakness to not admit defeat when it faught its way to you and presented its self.
With him learning of the tuberculosis that grew within his lungs, he'd simply laughed it off; acting as though his death wouldn't matter. Acting as though he would be fine to drop dead at any time.
And that's what scared him.
"H-...Hggn....Damn everything to Hell...!"
Souji's fist was bound tight, his knuckles white as they found itself pounding against the floor.
Even if he wanted too, he couldn't be able to bring about his own death.
He would simply
Turn to
Ash.