Chapter Text
-30
Agent Coulson arrives at Stark Tower ten minutes early to allow for the inevitable delay that is associated with wrangling six avengers and one rogue demigod into a minivan for a "team building exercise". He texts them and waits in the van.
-20
Thor and Steve walk out with three hold-alls and a toaster. Coulson sighs. Steve calls shotgun and has the decency to look chagrined.
-15
Tony wanders out to the van with a glass of scotch and a wheelie-bag. He gets halfway before dropping everything and dashing back into the Tower.
-10
Natasha and Clint appear seemingly out of nowhere with a nonchalant Loki. He scowls at Steve, who is reclining in the front seat, and climbs into the middle row of seats next to Thor, who is on his sixth raw poptart. Coulson can feel a headache coming on.
-5
Bruce and Tony rush out to the van, eyes wide, hair ruffled and with arms full of scientific equipment. Coulson opens his mouth and Loki leans forward and mutters "pick your battles". Coulson shuts his mouth and stares incredulously over his shoulder at the demigod, who shrugs and nibbles at the corner of a strawberry poptart.
-0
As they pull out of Stark Towers Clint begins to complain loudly about the seating arrangment. Bruce and Tony announce simultaneously that they are quite happy in the back seat by themselves, thankyou. Natasha wants to sit with Clint. Thor looks mildly interested and Loki starts squabbling with Steve about who should be in the front now that they're changing seats. Coulson frowns. He is mentally reviewing which part of his job description includes babysitting a group of immature superheros.
5
Coulson pulls over and shouts at everyone. The seating plan is subsequently altered. Loki is now in front, much to Steve's displeasure, Tony and Bruce are still in the back. Thor is in the middle with Clint and Natasha. Coulson is driving, because anyone else driving is out if the question. They set off again.
10
Thor is hungry.
15
Thor is still hungry.
20
Thor is making his imminent starvation very clear to everyone else in the car.
22
Clint spots a Macdonalds.
23
Coulson pulls into the drive-thru. He orders a burger and, as an afterthought, a coke. Loki orders two burgers, fries and eleven juice boxes. Coulson raises an eyebrow. Loki opens his mouth to defend his love for juice, but Thor takes this moment to order twelve cheeseburgers, two thickshakes, five boxes of nuggets, three bags of fries and twenty chocolate chip cookies. The checkout girl stares and stares. Clint pipes up and says that he and Natasha will have four burgers, four chicken burgers, three bags of fries, a McFlurry and a frozen Fanta. Steve hastily orders three burgers and a sundae. Bruce is having a salad and a cheeseburger without the burger. Tony apparently packed his own food, but is still having a coffee and three icecreams. Coulson throws SHIELD policy out the window and pays for this all on the company card. Fury can sod his bloody policy.
30
Thor has managed to inhale half his food already. Bruce is sharing Tony's coffee. Loki is onto his fifth juicebox. The van is completely silent
40
Coulson has discovered that as long as the Avengers mouths are full, they are quiet.
45
Thor has finished his food and he and Loki are shouting about the various merits of being a Norse God. Clint is feeling sick. Natasha has disappeared. Bruce and Tony are building something dangerous inthe back seat. Steve throws half his sundae at the back of Loki's head. Loki throws a handful of fries back. Thor shouts "FOOD FIGHT!", which deafens everyone in a two block radius. The van descends into chaos.
53
Loki has sundae in his hair and juice all over his clothes. Clint is coated head-to-toe in ice-cream. Tony and Bruce have ganged up on Thor, who has lettuce all over him and an ice-cream cone stuck to his head. Steve has a lap full of cold coffee and is mashing half a cheese burger into Tonys face. Bruce has fries stuck to him with melted chocolate chips and is looking distinctly green under a layer of greasy cookie dough. The windows are covered in tomato sauce and there's McFlurry all over the upholstery. Coulson, who has grease from a slingshotted burger all over one eye and frozen orange soft drink melting down the back of his shirt, notes with grim satisfaction that this is, in fact, a company car. Fury is going to be furious. Coulson giggles hysterically under his breath. Furious Fury.
55- coulson pulls to a sharp stop. The Avengers look up like a family of startled meerkats. He shouts at them about manners and shield protocol and is met with various degrees of interest. Steve is looking ashamed, but Thor is absentmindedly picking chips out of Clint's hair and Loki is using his illusionist powers to turn Coulson's phone into a imaginative range of small marsupials.
1:00
Natasha has reappeared in to back seat. The rest of the avengers are staring at her. Clint is wailing loudly that he wants a shower. Tony needs a wee. Loki is asleep, the side of his face pressed against the glass, his hair spiky with juice and strawberry ice-cream. Green gusts of magic dance and fluctuate around his face in half-formed shapes and glittering spiraling swirls. That was the problem with illusionist magic, apparently. When one is conscious, one can control which shapes are projected into reality, but when one is asleep and dreaming, the magical connection becomes a flow of consciousness. The van takes a worrying swerve to the left. Coulson stops staring at Loki and looks back to the road. Sheesh.
1:05
Clint needs a wee
1:06
Clint needs a wee
1:07
Clint needs a wee
1:08
Clint threatens to go out of the window and Coulson pulls over.
Clint has a wee.
1:10
Tony and Bruce have taken the panel off the inside of the car and have rigged Thors toaster into the side. The window control doesn't work any more and the whole air conditioning system for the back of the car has Artificial Intelligence. Thor is already halfway through his twelfth poptart. Tony is asleep on Bruce. Bruce is asleep on Steve. Natasha is playing Slaps with Clint, who is losing spectacularly.
1:30
Thor says "EYE OF HAWK! BEHOLD, THE PLENTIFUL BOUNTY OF MIDGARD!"
Clint starts shouting about the service station they just passed. The car is in uproar. All seven superheroes are yelling at Coulson. Steve throws a chip he found in Tonys hair. Tony throws a smart-arse comment about Coulson's first name being Agent. Loki throws a small mammal of the vole persuasion. Thor reaches for Mjolnir and Coulson executes a sharp u-turn.
1:43
Thor is wondering how he can get past Coulson's
recently enforced "something healthy first" rule. Steve is wondering if that is actually beef in the pies. Clint and Natasha are climbing behind the fridges and jumping out at each other. Coulson is choosing painkillers. Tony and Bruce are helping Loki pick a plastic wristband. Bruce has gone for a purple one and Tonys is pink with "SWAG" written along the side in blocky white letters. Currently it's a toss up between the orange and the Rolling Stones one. Steve saunters over and asks if he can have the Rolling Stones one. Bruce and Tony suspect it's because of the red and blue colours, but don't say anything.
2:00
The Avengers gradually notice the silence in the car.
2:30
Steve starts feeling guilty.
2:40
Steve can't handle the guilt and tells Coulson that they've left Clint at the service station.
3:00
Clint is standing by the road and looking forlorn. Everyone immediately feels horrible. Coulson pops back into the service station and buys Clint a two pack of peanut butter cups. He shares one with Natasha and Coulson.
3:20
Tony suggests that they play a game. Thor is enthusiastic. Steve is worried. Bruce wants to play "Fury went shopping".
Coulson goes first. Fury went shopping and he bought an anti aircraft gun. Steve rolls his eyes. Loki say that Fury went shopping and he bought an anti-aircraft gun and a bagel. Natasha fears that if Steve keeps rolling his eyes that hard he's going to sprain something.
3:22
It is Thors go. Fury went shopping and he bought an anti-aircraft gun, a bagel and a Croissant. Bruce is enjoying the bakery theme.
3:30
Fury has bought an anti aircraft gun, a bagel, a croissant, a detonation device(Natasha), an egg(Clint), a Tube of fluoride gas(Bruce), a SCG G pyrotechnic explosive device(Tony) and Steve has just added haloumi, which apparently is a kind of cheese, when Coulson bans Fury Went Shopping.
3:40
Tony and Bruce are asleep on each other. Steve is slumped on the window, his face slowly sliding down the glass. Natasha and Clint are sleeping back to back. Natasha looks desperate and Clint looks dangerous. Coulson is wondering if they are dreaming. Loki has migrated onto Thor and they are curled up together. Loki looks young and scared. Coulson feels a rare pang of sympathy for the team. They all, it seems, have had somewhat of a dark past. He silently vows to be kinder to them.
4:00
Coulson pulls up in the carpark of a Red Rooster. He leans over and pokes Clint.
4:05
After sustaining a mildly painful bruise on his left cheek, Coulson sits inside and waits for Clint to wake everyone else up.
4:20
Money hinges on how much food Thor can eat before he either explodes or is sick.
4:30
Apparently it was that last waffle that did it. Bruce wins.
5:00
Loki explains his love for juice in the song and dance of his people.
5:05
The Avengers try to understand.
5:20
Back in the van, Bruce wants to play twenty questions.
5:25
Tony is an animal. Tony is a human. Tony is not Nick Fury.
5:30
Tony is American. Tony is a male. Steve guesses Coulson. He is wrong. They have fourteen questions left.
5:32
Tony is not a spy. Tony is not an assassin. Tony is not a warlord. Tony is not in the military. Tony is not a freelance mass murderer. Tony reminds Clint that they have nine questions left.
5:35
Tony is in this car. Tony is not Steve. Tony is not Bruce. Tony is not Agent Coulson. Tony is not Natasha. Tony is not Clint.
5:40
Everyone has given up. Tony is smirking. Coulson asks who Tony was.
5:43
Tonys eye may not go black, although it is very swollen. Natasha has been disgraced to the boot.
Coulson is very cross.
5:50
Tony was the Other Guy.
6:00
Coulson turns on the radio. It is playing "Call Me Maybe". Thor starts singing. Bruce calls for a Karaoke Party. Loki sings the chorus with Thor, complete with actions. The Avengers stare. Loki is good at singing.
6:05
Steve gives a stunning rendition of "Party In The USA".
Coulson sings the last verse with him. Tony cheers and Bruce whistles.
6:07
Tony sings "Super Bass" with Clint and Natasha. Tony sings like a train wreck in the making. Natasha sings like a broadway superstar. Clint also sings like broadway superstar.
6:10
Bruce can, apparently, beatbox.
6:18
Everyone sings "I Got The Magic".
It feels like a team building exercise.
6:35
Coulson turns down a narrow dirt track. The van is silent and buzzing with anticipation.
7:00
The Avengers are useless at setting up tents.
7:30
After their pathetic construction efforts, Coulson says that they can all go swimming in the river.
7:45
Bruce and Tony are poking a leech that they found with sticks. Clint is giving Natasha a shoulder ride. Loki is covered in mud. He and Thor have located a rope swing. Steve and Coulson are feebly splashing each other and giggling. Coulson decides that it was very definitely worth it.