Chapter Text
Learning to survive means that you never trust. This was a lesson that Evan Hansen had learned the hard way throughout his seventeen years of life. In his eyes, trusting someone means giving them the tools to destroy you in the most painful way possible. Crazy, he thought, why would anyone be willing do that? he pondered, rolling his eyes as he debates simply skipping school, deciding against it and heading out.
Surviving is learning how to trust. Seventeen year old Connor Murphy knew that. Contrary to popular belief, he wasn’t always as bubbly and cheerful as he was now. He used to throw and hit things, he used to yell at his sister, he used to skip class to smoke behind the bleachers. He...wasn’t the greatest person. But, when he realized he was hurting people, he wanted to try to be better. And he did.
He trusted himself to improve and try his best, and well, he may not be perfect, but he’s doing better than before and he was still trying his best, and that’s what mattered! And if he can trust himself to be better, then surely he can trust other people to try their best too. Even if they don’t think they can, Connor would do his best to make them their best!
Walking into school, Connor couldn’t help but have his eyes drawn to the figures of two other boys, seemingly in the midst of a vicious argument, both of them screaming in each other’s faces, though Connor couldn’t quite make out what was being said. He was curious though, his mom said that his curiosity would end up being the death of him, but he had to get closer! Someone could get hurt!
“Oh yeah?” yelled the shorter of the two, a boy who Connor thought was named Jason…no that didn’t seem right. Jared! That’s what it was! He was the nerd who randomly did a dance number in the lunchroom last week! “Well you’re a dick Ev, you know that right?”
“At least I’m not a fucking nerd who makes musical references for no reason!” The taller and more edgy boy yelled back. What was his name? Jared called him Ev…oh, right! His name was Evan! “Now fuck off so I can leave!”
“And do what? Go smoke your pot?” Jared sneered, “Fall out of another tree? Huh?” Connor couldn’t help but notice both the air quotes Jared had put around the word fall and the way Evan had stiffened and sheltered his casted arm in response.
This is as close to a cue to interfere as I’m gonna get, thought Connor, as he headed closerstill to the arguing boys, praying to the non-existent gods that he wouldn’t have to revert to middle school Connor Murphy to break this fight up.
“What the fuck do you want, flower boy?” Evan said, sneering at Connor as he noticed his approach. It was honestly kind of impressive, given Connors 6 inches of height on him. Jared however, looked a tad more confused than angry.
“Oh, well I noticed you two were arguing, so I decided to help you resolve it peacefully!” Connor said, smiling to try and diffuse the tension. Evan simply raised an eyebrow, glancing to Jared, as if to say, can you believe this guy? Connors gentle smile fell for a moment, before returning at full force, still trying to diffuse.
“Well, be like Charles Lee, and go find another pot to piss in!” Jared said, which was clearly a ‘Hamilton’ reference, making Connor giggle slightly.
“I thought you said you didn’t even like Hamilton?” Evan raised his eyebrow.
“Fuck you, ‘Stay Alive’ is dope.” Jared retorted, clearly annoyed.
“You’re so goddamn pretentious, Kleinman.” Evan bit, glaring into Jared’s soul.
“Fuck you, Hansen!” Jared said, flipping Evan off. “You don’t know good music when you hear it! You listen to Panic! At the Disco, for God’s sake!”
“No, I fucking don’t? Their music is fucking awful!” Evan shouted, facing the shorter boy.
“Uh, guys can we please calm down?” Connor asked with a nervous smile on his face. “We can work this out peacefully if we all-“
“Listen, pansy boy. You clearly have no idea what you’re talking about.” Jared spat. “Why don’t you go back to your little playground?”
“No, I think you two need to work out your issues.” Connor said simply, tightening his eyebrows as he focused on not letting his emotions take over.
“Fuck off, Murphy,” Evan said, raising his voice, “before I go get your sister.”
Connor smiled slightly. “Okay! Feel free to get my sister.”
“Get your sister for what?” A voice from behind Connor said. Connors smile widened into a fully fledged grin as he glanced behind him towards the voice.
“Hey, Zo! Evan here was just about to go get you and ask you to tell me to, um, what was it again? Oh yeah! He was gonna ask you to tell me to fuck off, isn’t that right, Evan?” Connor’s grin was downright malicious at this point, knowing that Evan was fucked.
“Oh, really?” Zoe said with an evil look in her eyes and a smug smirk on her face, only emphasized by the dark purple eyeshadow and black lipstick she wore. “Well boys, do you know what happens when you threaten my brother like that?”
Connor smirked as he heard Evan and Jared both gulp. “N-no?” Jared asked, stuttering as he noticed just how tall both the Murphy siblings were, both being at least 8 inches taller than his 5 foot 4 and three quarter inch ass. (Zoe’s death glare definitely didn’t help though)
“They get their asses handed to them!” Connor exclaimed, in a tone that was just a bit too bubbly for the words being said.
The other boys ran for their lives while Zoe and Connor laughed. “Thanks, Zo!” Connor said to his sister. “I think they were about to beat me up.”
“Ya think? You really need to stop getting yourself into situations like this!” Zoe said darkly, like she was getting tired of intimidating people. “Honestly, sometimes I wonder if dad has a point when he questions your clothing choices.” She muttered under her breath, though Connor still heard her.
Connor frowned. “And what is that supposed to mean?” He asked calmly. It’s not that he didn’t know what it meant. He just wanted to hear someone finally say it.
“It means, you dumbass, that if you didn't dress like, like, I don't know, like a stereotypical gay character in a sitcom, that you might, I don't know, NOT get called names all the time. I just worry sometimes Con, I just, I want you to be safe, and sometimes, well, the way you dress makes you a target, is all.”
Connor sighed, a sad smile on his face. “I know ZoZo, it’s just, well, the clothes help, like, remind me to not be an asshole? If that makes sense?” He noticed Zoe’s slightly confused look and sighed, “I guess it doesn’t. Well the pastel and bright colors aren’t something that an ass would wear, and it really would destroy any threats or anything given out, so it’s pointless being a dick in them, cause it doesn’t work.”
“I think I get it Con-Bon, but isn’t there a different way? One that doesn’t label you as a target? Or, like, a weakling? Something that shows that you will fight back if needed?”
“I’ve tried ZoZo, you’ve seen me try. Things just didn’t work or stick until this. I know that it may not be ideal for either of us, but I’m trying my best to find a balance,” Connor sighed, shaking his head slightly. “I don’t like being seen as a target, but my only other option at the moment is to be seen as a threat, and I’ve been there ZoZo, it sucked. This honestly also sucks, but not nearly as much as being seen as a school shooter did.” Hearing this, Zoe froze, and Connor suddenly remembered that he had never told her this story.
“Who called you a school shooter.” Zoe’s voice was deadpan and full of barely concealed rage.
“ZoZo, it really doesn’t-”
“Connor. Who the fuck called you a school shooter.”
“Jared Kleinman. But it doesn’t matter, it was like two years ago, I honestly forgot until earlier today, I doubt he remembers.”
“I’m going to kill him,” Zoe sneered, a murderous glint in her eyes, “No one hurts my brother like that.”
“ZoZo, really, it’s not a big deal. He probably doesn’t even remember doing it, and I don’t even mind anymore, it’s not a big deal,” He gently grabbed Zoe’s shoulders, gently leading her away from any possible situations that could lead to more rage.
Zoe looked back towards Jared, still glaring, but allowed her brother to lead her away. Connor glanced back at the two boys, sighing as he recalled all the times he had seen Evan look longingly towards Jared, almost as if the blond was harboring some kind of feelings for the brunet.