Work Text:
The first time he considers it is in the locker room. It’s as if the clock has stilled: Neil looks at Andrew and through Andrew, all at once. Every moment that Neil feels something is taken as borrowed time.
“You were amazing,” Neil says. There is a gun to his back and a blank in his future, but it is important that Andrew hears this.
Later, when Neil bound to the hospital bed, he sinks in the quiet moment caught between interrogations.
“You are amazingly stupid,” Andrew says. His voice is dead and his eyes are dull, almost as if he is operating on habit alone. Andrew tilts forward so Neil can almost feel Andrew’s eyelashes fluttering against his cheek. “You are never going to have the opportunity to pull something like that again.”
“How do you intend to hold me to that?” As soon as the words leave his mouth, Neil regrets it.
Andrew reaches forward as if to grab Neil’s wrists. He settles on clenching the rails of Neil’s bed. Neil’s wrists tingle with empty anticipation, though he knows that Andrew would happily and easily leave bruises.
“Do you think you’re being funny?” Andrew sucks in air, and his eyes glitter. “I am going to kill you myself.”
The second time he considers it is in the hospital bed, where the only thing that holds color is Andrew. Gold hair, gold eyes, black armbands. It’s been ten hours since Neil has given up on rest, and Andrew has refused to sleep. Andrew’s yawns are bright and pink and soft.
I love you, Neil thinks, before he can stop himself.
These words have never come easily to him – not even to his mother. His mother’s love was bruises left across his cheekbones, covered hastily with concealer and powder. His mother’s love was a hand tucked against Neil’s back, a warm body he slept against at night. Her hands combing through his dyed hair.
But Neil can’t touch Andrew – doesn’t want to, not if Andrew doesn’t ask for it. So these words slip out, unbidden, quiet, harmless.
Harmless. Neil has not gotten any better at lying to himself.
Andrew stares at the wall, unwilling to indulge Neil in any conversation. But he is still here. He refuses to leave. There is something about Andrew’s solid and unyielding presence that makes the aftermath bearable.
“What,” Andrew says. He does not look away from the wall.
“Just … glad I’m alive.”
“105%,” Andrew replies easily. “Don’t be stupid. As if I would ever let you die without my permission.”
**
The third time Neil considers it is when they are standing in a cramped shower, shoulder to shoulder. Andrew is still painstakingly gentle, making sure Neil’s injuries are thoroughly wrapped. When Andrew’s hand grazes across Neil’s bare skin, Neil shivers.
Andrew’s hands are rough and callused, yet he disassembles Neil expertly.
“Don’t make this something it’s not.” Andrew’s voice cuts through the soft splashes. Neil shuffles so that he faces Andrew.
“What do you mean?” Neil plays dumb.
Andrew looks up, unbothered by the water streaming down his face. His eyes are a cool brown in the bathroom lighting.
“120%. When you are already stupid, playing at it does not help your case.” Andrew uncaps a bottle, working the shampoo to a lather. When Neil bends down to let Andrew scrub his hair, Neil marvels at how softly Andrew touches him.
“You should get a cat,” Neil says abruptly. Andrew’s fingers still. He stays silent. “You just – you’re good at taking care of things.” And petting them.
“All my time is spent taking care of you,” Andrew answers. Just as gently, Andrew washes the shampoo out of Neil’s hair. When Neil steps out of the shower, Andrew pats down Neil’s scar tissue. Without question, Andrew dresses his wounds expertly.
I need you. I love you. The words tumble into his mind. It surprises Neil how quickly they have equated each other.
“Thank you,” Neil says instead.
Without looking back at Neil, Andrew flicks the towel onto the floor and leaves.
**
The fourth time, Neil is in shock. Riko is screaming, his face disgustingly contorted, his arm shattered. Andrew is still holding his racquet like a weapon. Neil knows that it is taking all of Andrew’s control to not just kill Riko on the field, in front of the whole world.
And for the first time in his life, Neil can read Andrew’s face. Andrew’s lips are tight with fury, his face so pale that his features are almost completely washed out. Andrew is trembling – whether it be adrenaline or anger, Neil doesn’t know. But the genuine emotion plastered across Andrew’s face is what stuns Neil the most. When Andrew glances down at Neil, Neil can see the fear.
Scared to lose you, and Andrew’s eyes flit away.
God, I love you, I love you. The world tilts.
Later that night, when Neil kisses Andrew flush against the wall, it takes everything that Neil has to say something invariably stupid. Neil tries to tell him the only way he knows how: yes, yes, yes.
**
The fifth time, Neil hates himself for how freely it comes. It’s not a special occasion: just a normal afternoon after practice, where Neil finds himself hunting for Andrew’s favorite ice cream in the freezer habitually. After Neil roots out the chocolate chunk, he brings one spoon to Andrew’s room.
Andrew is sitting in his bed, reading glasses perched on his nose. Over his shoulder, Neil skims the first paragraph of some grisly criminal court case. Without looking up, Andrew reaches out his hand. Neil silently hands over the ice cream. Andrew curls his feet under him, giving Neil space to sit.
It is only after Neil settles that he realizes how comfortable he is. He is careful to arrange himself so that he doesn’t accidentally touch Andrew, but it’s Andrew that reaches out, lets their toes brush.
Andrew turns a page in his book. In the light, his profile is golden.
I love you, Neil thinks. As easy as breathing.
**
Neil breaks when Andrew brings her home.
Neil is curled up on the couch, watching Exy replays, when Andrew walks into their apartment. Cradled in his arms is a kitten. It’s a tiny thing, white with grey patches. It leaps from Andrew’s arms and strides on the floor with the most confident air.
“It’s a cat,” Andrew says unnecessarily.
“Where did you get it?” Neil asks. He doesn’t quite know how to deal with this, but the kitten stares up at him with wide, curious eyes.
“I found her outside. She kept following me, whining. Reminded me of you,” Andrew says. Neil is suddenly struck by how cold it is outside. Winters in the Northeast aren’t kind, and the cat wouldn’t have survived for long.
The kitten’s ears twitch, her tail waving in the air. She leaps onto Neil’s lap, her small paws kneading Neil’s thigh. She’s brazen, and she reminds Neil of Andrew.
“She’s thankful,” Neil says. Almost out of reflex, Neil scratches under her chin. Andrew watches silently, almost as if he’s bored. Neil does not miss the cans of cat food and the sack of litter that Andrew has brought home. Neil is hit by the image of Andrew driving to the pet store, kitten under his arm, perusing all the options.
Suddenly, Neil remembers. You should get a cat – you’re just good at taking care of things…
“I love you.”
It’s a moment before Neil realizes that he’s said it out loud. Immediately, he looks up. Andrew is still watching him, expression unchanged. Quietly, Andrew pads across the room, sinks on the couch next to Neil.
“The cat’s your responsibility,” Andrew says. He kisses Neil on the side of his head, and they listen to their kitten purr.
**
When Neil asks to see Renee, she is characteristically delighted. It’s been a while – Neil asks about the Peace Corps, and Renee’s eyes light up.
“It was amazing,” Renee says, smiling. “It was magical.” Renee’s white hair has grown out, leaving long black streaks in their place. She looks younger than ever. Neil is surprised by how comfortable he is around her, how interested he is in her life. Maybe Renee is one out of two people he can easily tolerate, now.
“I love catching up, but is there any particular reason you wanted to see me, Neil?”
The words get caught in his throat. He had practiced them on the way here, but now, they refuse to come out.
“It might be easier to show you.”
Neil listens to Renee talk about her time in Ghana, about her building of schools, about her advocacy for female education. How she and Allison have finally moved in together. They come to a stop in front of a pawn shop.
“Andrew told me he loved me back last night,” Neil says in a rush. He sounds breathless, even to himself.
Renee looks up at Neil, her eyes dark and warm. “And?”
Neil opens the pawn shop door, letting Renee step inside before him.
“And you love Andrew, too. I thought you should help me find the ring.”