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From the moment Neil woke up that morning, he knew that it would not be a good day. His birthday never was.
When he was young, his birthday was spent either locked in his room, out of way and out of mind, or training with Lola, which was so much worse. “Surprises” she called them. Usually it was something new he needed to learn, but the surprises were always more fun for Lola. Neil rarely came away unscathed during those lessons. He hated them.
And then there was that birthday surprise his Freshmen year of college, with the blood, the message, and the start of a countdown. That definitely had not been fun for Neil.
Neil didn’t celebrate his birthday. He didn’t want the Foxes to celebrate either, or even mention it all, but it was hard to keep the Foxes from doing anything. When Neil checked his phone, several notifications from various Foxes and former Foxes wishing him a happy birthday popped up on his phone. Neil sighed and rubbed at his face.
As he pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, images of his latest nightmare drifted through his subconscious. In the dream, Neil was looking for a locker his mother had left a bag of money in at one of her locations. But whenever Neil opened one, blood would fall from the sky and drench him. He finally woke up when he opened the last locker and found nothing but his empty duffel bag.
Nightmares were always more frequent around this time of year. Neil could barely remember the last time he’d gotten a full night’s rest. It was worse now that Andrew was gone, miles away with his new pro team. Neil thought about calling him, but his tongue seemed glued to the roof of his mouth and Neil was sure he wouldn’t be able to get the words out.
Since it was a Saturday, Neil didn’t have to do anything. He should probably get a head start on homework so he doesn’t fall behind again, but when Neil peeled open his eyes, he only felt the weight of the air around him, keeping him trapped between the blankets and sheets.
His breath caught in his chest. He couldn’t draw in enough air, the sheets felt like ropes around his chest, binding him together and squeezing the air out of his aching lungs. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe. The room was starting to blur around him.
Neil closed his eyes and counted doubles in his head. It was a coping mechanism Andrew taught him for panic attacks, something he learned from Betsy. One, two, four, eight, sixteen… He counted until he lost track and had to start over. Neil counted to 4,096 three times before he was finally able to breathe normally again.
As not to draw his roommates’ attention to him, Neil slipped quietly from the bottom bunk, peeling the sheets that stuck to him from his body and trudged through the dorm to plop down in the living room. Neil curled up in on himself, almost wishing he brought the heavy blanket Matt gave him for one of the days of Hanukkah during his last year at Palmetto. It was blue, for Hanukka, but edged with white paw prints for the Foxes. It was extremely soft under Neil’s hand, even after a couple years in the wash.
The room was chilly, making the hair on Neil’s arms stand on end. Streams of gray light streamed in from the window and the white curtains one of the freshmen brought billowed with the breeze. Neil frowned and got up to close the window. No wonder it was so cold.
Neil shivered. He was about to retreat back to the bedroom and grab the blanket and some thick socks when there was a knock at the door.
Puzzled, Neil wondered who it was. Both of his roommates were asleep in their beds, and Wymack would have called if he needed anything. Deciding it was one of the freshmen who still hadn’t worked up the nerve to text him if they needed something, Neil ambled up to the door, cursing the cold tile beneath his feet, and opened it.
Andrew stood on the other side, bundled in a thick winter coat with an overnight bag slung over one shoulder. Neil blinked stupidly. Andrew hadn’t texted him to say he was coming down from New York for a visit, and he wasn’t one for surprises. When Neil said nothing, Andrew rolled his eyes and moved to get past Neil.
Neil stepped aside to let him in and took the bag Andrew plopped in his hands. “What are you doing here?” he asked dumbly. “Did you drive here?”
“Would have taken too long,” Andrew said, blowing into his hands to warm them up. “I took the early flight.”
Neil almost felt a ghost of a smile flicker across his face at that. He knew that Andrew hated flying, especially flying alone, but he’d come here for Neil. Something warm and slow like honey bloomed in Neil’s stomach, almost enough to chase the chill away.
The warmth faded away and was replaced with nausea when Neil remembered his nightmare. Blood and a battered duffel bag flashed behind his eyes. A tug at his shirt helped Neil come back to himself. He looked up from his feet to find Andrew watching him carefully.
“Count your doubles,” Andrew ordered. His voice was strong, unyielding, but Neil detected the hint of gentleness, reserved only for Neil, that had crept into it over the years.
“I’ve been doing that all morning,” Neil murmured. “My head hurts.”
Andrew narrowed his eyes and led Neil back to the couch. He held Neil’s hands between his own to warm them up for a couple minutes before he disappeared into the bedroom and came back with an armful of white and blue. Once Neil was properly bundled in his giant blanket, Andrew went into the kitchen and turned on the stove.
Neil frowned. He didn’t think he could eat anything at the moment. His stomach still turned and if Neil let himself drift too much, he could smell the coppery tang of blood on the air. But when Andrew came back, he held a mug in each hand. Sitting them on the coffee table, Andrew opened the blankets and nestled himself between the arm of the couch and Neil. He gave a mug to Neil and took a gulp from his own, despite steam still coming off of it.
Swallowing, Neil took a tentative sip. It was Neil’s favorite tea, the kind that tasted warm and vaguely of spice. Neil closed his eyes, feeling the warmth seep into his fingertips and slowly spread through his body. The blanket was warm and soft, and Andrew beside him made the warmth bloom in his stomach as well.
They finished their tea in companionable silence and then Andrew took Neil’s cup from his hands and placed both of them on the coffee table. He turned toward Neil and studied his face. He wasn’t looking for anything in particular, Neil knew he was just content to look for now. Neil knew the feeling. His eyes wandered over the edge of Andrew’s cheek bone, down to his pink lips, to the little mole nestled by his ear. Neil loved that mole.
“Yes or no?” Neil asked, hesitantly. Asking things from Andrew wasn’t something Neil was afraid of, but he could still feel the uncertainty growing in his body. “I want to feel your arms around me.”
Andrew tilted his head to the side, considering. Neil knew he was figuring out Neil’s current mental state. But if it were really bad, Neil wouldn’t have asked at all. Andrew knew this. “Yes,” he decided, quietly but firmly, and wrapped one arm around Neil’s shoulders and used his other to bring Neil’s head down to his body.
Neil drew in a sharp intake of breath as he rested his head against Andrew’s broad chest. Andrew shifted, kicking the blanket out of the way and pulling his feet up to the couch so he was laying horizontally. Neil followed suit and tucked his knees between Andrew’s legs, then he repositioned the blanket so it was around both of them. They didn’t hug like this very often, but Neil noticed it was becoming more of an occurrence when Neil and Andrew are away from each other for too long.
When Andrew’s arms were fulling encircling him, radiating warmth in the thick blanket, Neil felt his eyes close again. It was comfort, safety. Andrew’s arms were home.
“My roommates are in the other room,” Neil muttered, his words already starting to slur.
Andrew just brushed his fingers through Neil’s hair, untangled the messy curls with his fingertips, a silent reassurance that this was okay. Neil breathed in deep and released it in a sigh, sinking further into Andrew’s embrace.
He was safe. He was warm. He was with Andrew. Neil felt himself drift back to sleep, his birthday and the morbid nightmare banished far from his thoughts. He couldn’t think of anything else when Andrew was close. He was safe, he was warm, he was with Andrew. He was home.