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Without thinking, he took another shot. It went down his throat easily; he was already so numbed by the previous alcohol, that he didn't even feel the harsh sting or the bitter burn.
All he wanted was to be alone, and so far, his wish was coming true. He'd picked a bar far enough away from his usual circles, that there was almost no chance he'd run into anyone he knew. In his current state, that would be a tremendously bad thing. Because right now, he was Matt.
Just Matt.
He wished he could be Lieutenant Casey. He wished he could be that man all the time.
He wished that he could just live his life as the perfect authority figure. He wanted to be someone people looked up to, someone they regarded highly. Someone people wanted to be around, someone they trusted.
The one dragging problem was that he typically only got to be Lieutenant Casey for 24 out of every 72 hours. It wasn't exactly an inspiring statistic by any means.
Because sure, he had those 24 fleeting hours to fill out paperwork, lug a halligan, be a good person.
But what about the 48?
Matt wasn't a good man, he wasn't nearly put together as everyone seemed to think. He'd been tending to drink too much and care about his life not enough. The urging push inside himself to do better, to be better, had faded away like the seasons that always seemed to pass him by just as gradually. Matt felt alone and he felt scared most of the time, but he never let it show. He was good at internalizing, too good. It was almost a passion. That's why he was able to get away with his reckless lack of self preservation. It's why no one asked questions and no one noticed how fucked up he really was.
If they saw him here, drowning in alcohol and cheap bar peanuts, they might. But that's the reason he never went anywhere close to home or work, and it's also why never returned to the same bar often enough to become known as a regular.
Here, where nobody knew him, he was some far slung lowlife, someone who didn't have much to lose. He was the reason they made those self-help pamphlets. He was just Matt.
And Matt had a lot of issues. Maybe these issues stemmed from the deep-rooted emotional trauma he'd harboured since his childhood. Maybe these things—these dark, dark things—maybe they just gravitated to him, seeping right into his once bright soul and turning him into the battered shell of a man that he was. Maybe he didn't just get messed up, maybe he was just ruined from the second he was born. Maybe he hadn't even had a chance.
The bartender gave him another shot glass full of the hard stuff, eyeing him warily.
Matt disregarded the man, downing the liquid in silence and letting the effects fall over him like a wave crashing onto the shore. The white buzzing around his ears turned itself up a notch and he could feel the delay between his brain and his body parts.
He'd lost count of how many he'd had, but he knew the number was too high to be safe. He knew it. He knew he was far past his limit.
So he motioned for another shot.
Because he wasn't Lieutenant fucking Casey.
The bar was loud and the people were louder. That was a vague thought that had crossed his mind as he sat there, slumped in his stool, leaning heavily on the bar. There was a large cluster of people dancing a few feet away, limbs flailing and hips grinding. He could practically taste their sweat.
He looked around a little, but even the slow, sluggish movements made his head spin. He closed his eyes and planted his head on the cool bar top for a moment, lifting it with a slightly refreshed aura around him.
Matt didn't like that there was still some part of his mind that functioned, he didn't want that to be there, so he beckoned for another drink.
"I think you've had enough." The bartender spoke just loud enough to be heard over the hustle and bustle.
"I'll pay, I promise." Matt muttered loosely.
"I know," The bartender nodded, "You don't seem like the drink and dash kind."
Matt didn't speak, instead gave the bartender a hard look.
"Is there anyone I can call? A friend?"
"I don—don't have 'nyone." Matt slurred with a sigh, pulling out his wallet and handing the man his credit card.
The man looked at Matt curiously, wondering what his story was, "I'll call you a cab."
Matt shook his head, "'ll jus' walk."
After the man gave his card back, Matt gave a disoriented salute to the bartender and stood up on shaky legs. He stumbled forward under the faint impression that his legs were fully functioning, but in reality, they were not under his control. Nothing was under control anymore.
He fell straight into a man that had been crossing in front of him. He instinctively reached out and grabbed onto the man's arm for support. He wasn't thinking.
The man, who had a few drinks under the belt himself, yanked his arm away and yelled: "Watch where you're going, faggot!"
Matt's eyes went wide and his heart raced. "I'm not a—" He began shakily, before being interrupted by a slap to his face. It was a hard hit and he felt the tell tale tickle of blood pooling in his nose, dripping out a moment later. "I'm not a faggot!"
"The fuck you aren't!" The angry, enraged man yelled, "You just tried to touch me!"
Matt's blood boiled and he could feel the anger thrumming into his veins. "I didn't—"
He felt young again, too young.
Not the kind of young that the elderly wished they could feel again. Not the fun-loving, heart-racing, beautiful, joyful, free-spirited kind of young.
No.
Matt was feeling the daddy's wrath kind of young.
And he didn't want any of it.
As all the memories came flooding back, he couldn't help but lash out. His confused, intoxicated brain, shoved the man away (probably harder than necessary), and raced out of the building. He needed air, he needed fresh, untainted air to fill his lungs.
Images of his father kept popping up in his head and he could feel his chest constricting more with each breath. He remembered the words like he'd said them yesterday, those hurtful words that still stung to this day. The ones that even a bottle of Jack couldn't numb.
Weak. Idiotic. Faggot. Pathetic. Waste of life. Mistake. Retard. Disappointment. Unwanted. Unloved.
He tried to repeat to himself, "I'm not what he said I was, I'm not what he said I was—"
But it did little to nothing.
He had the severe urge to go back into the bar and beat the living shit out of the guy in there. He wanted him to know the pain, really know the pain. But there wasn't a fibre of himself that would let that happen, because even if he wasn't Lieutenant Casey, he was still Matt. And Matt didn't ever want to turn into his dad. It was his greatest fear.
So Matt stumbled into the nearest empty alley and started going haywire. He threw trash cans, kicked the dumpsters, pushed against the brick walls like he could push the buildings down, and punched bags of garbage, punched the walls, punched everything in sight really. He hit and he fought and he didn't stop until he had nothing left inside him and he became a silent form on the dirty, disgusting alley floor. He eventually got up and started walking home, even though he had no idea where he was, where he was going, or what he was doing.
I'm not what he said I was.
Matt was picked up by two uniformed officers, on a city sidewalk, at approximately 2:14AM that morning. He did not resist arrest, he did not say a word, and when they arrived at the precinct, he was thrown into the drunk tank. He wasn't even booked and it didn't seem he was in much trouble. He wasn't even sure if they were aware that he'd trashed the alley.
He sat between a sad looking man, with a glass eye and a prosthetic arm, and what appeared to be a prison hardened gang member. He felt oddly at ease, mostly because neither of the men was his father.
He fell asleep sitting up. It wasn't a pleasant, nor relaxing sleep. He was on edge, he was scared, and he wasn't sure what was going on. He didn't feel safe closing his eyes, but he was so exhausted that he had to try anyway.
It was a guard that woke him up from his uneasy rest. Woke them all up actually. The middle-aged guard started banging his baton against the cell door before he unlocked and opened it. "Alright. Regulars, you know the drill. First timers, come with me."
As Matt followed, his stomach kept twisting with this unrelenting guilt that seemed to be trying to pry his whole body apart. He walked behind the officer in charge who, by the way he carried himself, appeared to have quite a few weltering years under his belt.
Matt and another younger man were the only two to follow, and they were lead down to a small office. It had a desk with a chair and a computer, a few glass-encased medals on the walls. There were some photos of the officer with different people, in and out of civilian clothes, posing with his friends.
Matt wasn't listening as the younger man was talked to, and when he left, he barely noticed the lack of presence. He was deep in thought, wondering what precinct he was at, what exactly had happened last night, and how he was going to get home.
"Matthew Casey." The officer sighed. He'd obviously looked Matt up in the system because Matt hadn't spoken a word since he'd come through the doors upwards of five hours ago.
The officer stared at the computer screen, obviously going through Matt's file.
"Tell me, what the hell is a decorated firefighter and city hero doing in my drunk tank?"
"Lapse in judgement, sir." Matt had his arms folded behind his back as he stood tall, the stance he'd have if he were in Boden's office instead. There was the bonus of the officer not seeing his bloodied hands, the hands that were no doubt bruised and possibly broken from his assault upon the dumpsters and brick wall.
"We all have those." The officer nodded, still staring at the computer. "You going to do it again?'
Matt shook his head slowly, wondering how much he was about to be charged with. "No, sir."
"You can drop the sir, it makes me feel old," The officer finally looked up at him, a slight twinkle in his eyes. "Listen, this is your first public intoxication offence, but I'm going waive the charge and the fine, as long as you promise never to get locked up in here again. I'll leave you with just the warning, and it won't go on your record. There's too many good men like you that go down the wrong path. Can you promise me? That you'll do better in the future?"
"I promise." Matt nodded, his shame obvious in the way he dropped eye contact.
"All right, now get out of here before I change my mind." He nodded with authority.
"Thank you." Matt spoke quickly, wanting to leave this nightmare before it became any worse. He quickly made his way to the front doors, letting out a sigh of relief as he walked out of the precinct a free man. He immediately pulled out his phone, worried to see it only had 3% battery. He made haste as he scrolled through his contacts, picking out the one who was the most likely to help him out on such short notice.
"Hello?" Came a gruff voice from the other side of the call.
"Sev?" Matt asked softly, already regretting the fact that he'd called, "It's Case."
"I can afford called ID you know." Kelly said with an amused laugh. It was music to Matt's ears. "I even have free texting within North America, perks of banging the Verizon branch manager."
"Listen, I'd really love to chat about your phone plan at length some time, but my phone's about to die, and I uh—I got arrested and at this moment, I have no way of getting home."
All amusement was gone from Kelly's voice as he replied, "Where are you?"
"39th Precinct." Matt spoke slowly, feeling the shame and embarrassment hit him all over again. He vaguely heard a door shut on the other end of the line and the familiar ding of Kelly's building's elevator.
"Sit tight. I'm on my way."
Matt sat on the front steps long enough that he was deep into reconsidering his life, when someone sat beside him. He had his head in his hands and had no intentions of raising it unless forced, because his entire skull was pounding and the crisp early morning was still far too bright.
"Hey, jailbird."
Matt jerked up and immediately regretted the action.
"Rough night?" Kelly smiled in amusement.
Kelly looked really, much more amused than anything else, his eyebrow raised curiously as he studied the state of Matt. He frowned when he finally looked at Matt's hands, they were swollen and bloody. They caused Kelly to wonder what exactly Matt had done to end up in jail in the first place.
Matt just groaned softly and put his head back into his hands.
"C'mon," Kelly spoke carefully, "Let's go home."
Matt, after his quiet struggle of standing up, followed wordlessly.
By home, it had become quickly apparent that Kelly was talking about his own place instead of bringing Matt to his humble one bedroom apartment. Matt was far too exhausted, emotionally and physically spent to bother arguing, so he went with whatever Kelly had in mind.
He sat Matt down on the couch, brought him juice, a large, strong coffee, and enough toast, eggs, and bacon to feed a small army.
"Sorry for waking you up and dragging you to the other side of the city." Matt spoke softly as Kelly eyed him up curiously from the other end of the couch.
"It's nothing." Kelly shrugged, watching to make sure Matt ate enough.
When he'd taken his last bite of food, Kelly stood and motioned for Matt to follow him. "Come with me to the bathroom."
"For what?"
"I'm cleaning up your hands, I'm getting tetanus just looking at you." Kelly smiled lightly, watching as Matt hesitantly followed.
He began by carefully washing Matt's hands. Most of the knuckles were skinned, and all around them were obvious cuts containing deeply imbedded dirt and gravel. As Kelly gently ran his cold hands under warm running water, Matt began feeling the intense discomfort. Especially when Kelly had to pull open some of the freshly healing wounds in order to completely cleanse everything.
Kelly's stomach clenched as he watched new blood start flowing like a river from the cuts, mixing with the water and becoming a transparent red splatter in the sink below. It was very obviously, and not at all surprisingly, causing Matt great pain. It was making him wince and shutter, let out muffled curses into his shoulder, but Kelly knew it had to be done. The risk of infection was high, especially considering the side of town he had been in.
Kelly pulled a stool out from the corner. "Here, sit down."
"I'm fine." Matt mumbled distantly.
"Matt." Kelly urged, looking at his pale face.
Begrudgingly, Matt sat down heavily, ignoring the look of satisfaction on Kelly's face.
The chair was relatively low causing elevation of his arms, which helped lessen the amount of blood flowing out of Matt's battered hands.
After he was satisfied that the wounds were as clean as they were going to get, Kelly took one hand at a time, drying the excess water and generously applying antibiotic ointment. As he wrapped gauze around the sore flesh, he wondered what exactly Matt had been punching.
"I got arrested for public intoxication, that's why they picked me up." Matt's voice was quiet as he said the words. He was deliriously with the sting of every cut on his hands, but he took it all in stride.
"Listen, you don't have to explain anything to me." Kelly paused for a split second, his eyes falling on Matt's reflection in the mirror. "...I know what day it is."
Matt immediately looked up and met his gaze, looking at Kelly with a questioning gaze. "You know?"
Kelly nodded with a sad expression. "Today's the day that your dad..."
"Died." Matt finished solemnly, looking at anything but Kelly now.
"I'm sorry."
"Sometimes I wish he was still alive." Matt shrugged wearily, "Maybe he'd finally be proud of me, I could show him that I'm not a failure and—" He winced. He already said too much, he was being too vulnerable, his father wouldn't like that. "Nevermind."
"I get it. I can't imagine how shit it was to grow up like that." Kelly rinsed the residual blood from the sink and counter, before packing away the first aid kit. "For what it's worth, from what I know about your dad, I don't think you could have ever pleased him. People like him don't change." Kelly frowned, crossing his arms.
Matt looked broken hearted for a split second, but he quickly pulled up all his defences and plastered on a fake smile as he got up from the chair. "Thanks for fixing me up. Good as new."
"No problem." Kelly nodded, reaching out to support Matt as he swayed. Matt was surprised by the touch and subconsciously flinched, but he didn't pull away.
"Was thinking I'd watch some TV," Kelly breathed, his heart skipping as Matt leaned into his arms a little. "Do you uh—you can stay and watch? If you want?"
Matt thought about it. He wanted to be here, around Kelly, having fun. It sounded a lot better than being all alone in his own apartment doing nothing but battling his thoughts. But he hated the idea of ruining Kelly's day and that superseded any selfish thoughts he might have had about his own wellbeing.
"I don't know, Sev." Matt sighed, pulling away as he shook his head.
"We don't have to watch TV, we can—." Kelly replied softly, "We can do whatever you want, I just—" He paused for a brief moment, "Plus, I'll have to redress your hands later."
"I just want to go home, take a shower, and sleep."
Kelly shrugged, "Take a shower here. Sleep on the couch."
Matt looked up at Kelly, his willpower slipping away more with every second that passed. "I want to stay but—"
"But what?" Kelly spoke after a few long moments of silence.
"But I'm not the best version of myself right now." Matt eventually replied in a hushed tone.
"And you think that means I don't want you here?" Kelly asked carefully, watching as Matt ducked his head thoughtfully.
Matt raised an eyebrow. "More or less."
"You should know better." Kelly shook his head, a small smile on his lips as he gave Matt a playful squeeze on the shoulder, "You're always wanted here. Now, go get in the shower, I'll get you some clothes to wear."
"But—"
"No more buts, Matt." Kelly flashed him a knowing look.
Matt shook his head incredulously, "Fine."
"Great." Kelly chuckled softly, turning on the shower before leaving the bathroom.
Matt stripped silently, ignoring all of his sore, stiff muscles. He was under the shower spray within a few seconds, letting the hot water flow across himself and rejuvenate his spent energy. He allowed it to run through his hair, over his face, and let it wash away all the grime and memories of the previous night.
There was a knock on the door only a few moments later.
"Yeah. Come in." Matt called, just loud enough to be heard over the sound of the water hitting the tiled shower floor.
"Some clothes, as promised." Kelly murmured, setting the small stack of attire on the counter.
"Thanks." Matt replied, still standing under the spray. "Um, Sev?—Can you uh—can you help me?"
Kelly's head whipped toward the shower. The glass doors of the standup shower were layered with condensation, but he could still see most of Matt's body. "What?"
"I think I'm gonna—" Matt could feel the sudden dizziness take over his body as he took a deep, ragged breath. "—gonna pass out."
"Right now?" Kelly asked quickly, sliding open the shower door without a second thought.
Matt nodded, eyes closed and head resting against the wall.
"What do you want me to do?" Kelly watched the blood drain from Matt's face as he stood there.
"Catch me so I don't split my head open." He groaned, clutching onto the side rail with a death grip.
Kelly nodded, though Matt couldn't see it. He put his phone on the counter, stepping into the shower fully clothed. He made his way to Matt and tentatively wrapped his arms around him.
He held Matt like that for a while, long enough for Matt to regain his stability and long enough for Kelly to get fully drenched. His clothes hung heavy on him and he could feel the water drip down every inch of him. He'd imagined showering with Matt before, but this wasn't exactly what he'd envisioned. His own fantasies took place when they both had their clothes off, when they were both covered in soap and sliding against each other slowly, passionately. He had to shut that thought down when other parts of himself became a little too excited. Instead, he let his worry for his best friend take over. He let himself become completely engrossed in Matt's trembling body and suddenly felt guilty for the inappropriate thought.
"Are you alright?" Kelly whisper against the side of Matt's head.
"Yeah." Matt nodded, "Just a little weak."
"We can stay like this as long as you need." Kelly murmured, subconsciously laying a kiss against Matt's right temple.
Matt just let out a relaxed sigh, leaning on Kelly even more heavily. "Sorry about this,"
"About what?" Kelly questioned curiously, his hand rubbing up and down Matt's spine.
"Got you all wet." Matt snorted, burying his face in Kelly's shoulder as another wave of dizziness washed over him.
"Needed a shower anyway," Kelly teased, wrapping his arm around the man a little tighter.
It was Matt who pulled away first. He looked up at Kelly with his big blue eyes and gave him this look, this look that even Kelly, who arguably knew him the best, couldn't even decipher.
Matt slowly ghosted his hands down the sides of Kelly's soaked t-shirt before slipping his fingers under the hem. He lifted the shirt up and over Kelly's head, revealing his well-toned body. He wordlessly tossed the shirt behind him and reached down to Kelly's waist, settling his hands on the man's bare hips for a split second. He reached Kelly's belt and carefully began undoing the buckle when Kelly spoke.
"Matt—"
"We've seen each other naked in the locker room before, this isn't much different is it?"
"It is when you're looking at me like that."
"Like what?" Matt raised an eyebrow, slowing his movements.
"Like that." Kelly spoke exasperatedly, his breath completely stolen.
Matt's reached up and threaded his fingers through the hair on the back of Kelly's head, pulling him into a soft, passionate kiss.
"Matt." Kelly moaned into the blonde's lips as he continued to undo his belt, his jean zipper following. "No." Kelly shook his head, pulling away.
Matt frowned, looking at Kelly with worry and fear. Had he read Kelly wrong? Had he made an irreversible mistake?
"You don't want—?" Matt trailed off in confusion.
"It's not that. Just—not like this." Kelly ran a hand across his face, "I don't want you to regret this."
"I won't."
"I know this is a hard day for you and—"
"This isn't some lapse in judgement or anything." Matt raised an eyebrow, "It's not like this is the first time I've ever thought of doing anything with you."
Kelly wasn't sure what he was expecting to hear, but it wasn't that.
"But today did remind me that life's short. Really short. And when you find someone that doesn't beat the shit out of you, who doesn't put you down for being yourself, who comes to rescue you after you get arrested, you keep them around." He said with a sad smile.
"There's a lot of people who could be that kind of person for you." Kelly gave him an equally troubled smile of sorts.
"But none of those other people are you... They're not you, Kelly." Matt murmured softly, second-guessing himself completely. "Listen, I'm sorry if this was too much or too fast but—"
Kelly shook his head as Matt trailed off. "I want this."
Matt gazed at him steadily.
"I want this and I want you. But maybe we can take it slow. We got time."
"Alright. Slow and steady." Matt nodded with a smile, his blue eyes never drifting from Kelly.
"We'll figure it out." Kelly spoke after a moment.
"Yeah." Matt agreed, "I guess I should try to get out of here before I start passing out again."
"Of course, you okay?"
"Yeah. Maybe a little dehydrated." Matt stepped out of the shower and pulled a towel from the shelf, hastily drying his body before slipping into the clothes Kelly had brought him.
"Sounds like bed and fluids for you." Kelly raised an eyebrow, peeling off his completely soaked pants, socks and underwear. He dried himself off too, ending with a towel wrapped around his waist.
"How about couch, fluids, and TV?"
Kelly nodded, "We can make that work."
"And a blanket," Matt muttered softly, "Your apartment is freezing."
Kelly chuckled pleasantly, "Your wish is my command. Go get on the couch, I'll be there soon and I'll bring everything you need."
Matt was exhausted. He'd barely slept any the previous night, or the night before, so he was happy to comply with Kelly's order. With a soft sigh, he settled down on the plush cushions, his eyes becoming heavier as his body realized it could start relaxing.
Kelly, dressed in a simple white t-shirt and a cozy pair of joggers, joined Matt just a short minute later. He sat beside him, pulling the relaxed body into him as he covered them in a thick fluffy throw. Matt eagerly knocked him over and climbed over him with a smug grin, before laying his head on Kelly's chest and letting the heartbeat lull him to sleep.
Kelly turned the TV on, but he didn't dare watch it. He was completely engrossed in watching Matt sleep against him. Kelly admittedly held Matt a little tighter than necessary, but he didn't want to risk losing the moment. He didn't want to lose Matt.
When Matt woke up for the first time, he was stuck in a nightmare about his father, but Kelly helped him out of it and back to sleep.
The second time he woke up, he had a mouth dry as the Sahara, which Kelly seemed to understand because a second after Matt's unintelligible grunt, he managed to conjure a water bottle from beneath the coffee table and helped Matt to a good long drink. Then Kelly got him some food, assisting the very sleepy man as he ate.
The third time he woke up, it was dark outside. It was actually dark inside too. It was some hour of the night and he was in Kelly's bed, with Kelly. He could feel Kelly's warm body curled up behind his, an arm slung lightly around his completely relaxed form. He could feel Kelly's breath tickling the back of his neck, and he could feel the places where their warm bare skin touched. He felt safe here. Safe in a way that he'd never been before, never, not in any of his foster homes, not in his parent's home, not in any place that he'd ever been.
The fourth time he woke up, it was because there was someone kissing different parts of him. Up his neck, all through his hair, against his cheek, the corner of his lips. "Wake up, Matty." Kelly murmured behind his ear, causing him to shiver.
Matt instinctively pushed himself into Kelly's touch. "What time is it?"
"Time to get ready for work." Kelly smiled, kissing Matt's shoulder now.
"Shit, I forgot shift was today." He grunted, pushing the blankets back and sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Relax, we have plenty of time." Kelly lay back into the pillows with a sigh, watching Matt stretch and yawn.
"My clothes?" Matt asked softly, looking over to Kelly curiously.
"I washed them last night, they're on top of the dresser." Kelly pointed across the room to the small stack. Matt stripped out of the few clothes of Kelly's that he was wearing and pulled on his own.
"Stay in bed for a while." Matt smiled, still in the process of buckling his belt as he leaned over to press a kiss to Kelly's lips.
"Why?" Kelly looked up in confusion.
Matt smirked playfully. "It's my turn to make breakfast."
Kelly grinned, "Is it?"
"Now that I feel like a human being again." Matt shrugged, giving Kelly a short laugh.
"You seem better," Kelly nodded, looking over the other man with a pleased gaze.
"Thanks to you." Matt teased, sheepishly managing a semblance of a smile.
A corner of Kelly's lips turned up in amusement as he reached up and pulled Matt back in bed right next to him. "Anytime." He murmured, holding Matt close.
Matt smiled and pushed himself closer. He'd never had much of this kind of physical contact in his life, and he liked to absorb it where he could.
"Are you a cuddler?" Kelly chuckled accusingly, pulling his arms more tightly around the man.
"What if I am?" Matt asked softly, covering his worry with amusement.
"Then that would make you even more perfect then I already thought you were." Kelly leaned forward and pressed a kiss in Matt's hair.
Matt let out a sigh of relief. "You think I'm perfect?"
"Okay, we're not even dating yet, let's not get all mushy." Kelly laughed, letting himself purely enjoy the feel of Matt on him.
"You said yet." Matt smirked, propping himself up on an elbow.
Kelly rolled his eyes in amusement, "Way to go, Sherlock."
"Yeah, yeah, you have to keep up the tough guy rep, I get it." Matt teased lightly, managing to pick himself out the bed once more. If Kelly pulled him back, he seriously believed that he wouldn't be able to get out another time.
"You know it," Kelly yawned, curling into the side of the bed as he watched Matt straighten out his button up, before flashing him a smile and heading to the kitchen.
"Kel?" Matt popped his head into Kelly's quarters halfway through their shift, hair sticking in every direction and grime covering most visible parts of his body.
"You aright?" Kelly's attention immediately shot over to Matt when he entered. He'd been worrying about him since Truck had left for a call, nearly five hours ago. He hadn't heard anything from them, and five hours was too long for what should have been a quick in and out. "You guys were out for a long time."
"Yeah. Things got.. Crazy." Matt nodded wearily. "I could tell you about it over dinner at my place tomorrow? Or does that mess up us taking it slow?"
"No, I'd like that." Kelly nodded, unable to stop the warm smile that crossed his face. "It's a date."
"Great." Matt grinned, "I should go shower, I'll see you around."
"Let me know when you're done," Kelly suggested tentatively, "I have a few cigars in my desk that I need to get rid of."
"Sure." Matt nodded with a sparkle in his eye, the kind Kelly hadn't seen there in a while.
They sat on the front bumper of Truck 81, looking out the open bay door in front of them as they smoked Kelly's cigars and enjoyed the few moments of silence they had to themselves.
"Are you okay? With the whole thing with your dad and all."
Matt shrugged, "I think I'm as fine as I'll ever be."
"But are you okay?"
"I don't know." Matt shook his head, "It was nice not having to spend yesterday alone though, I appreciate you forcing me to stay."
"I didn't force you." Kelly's eyes moved to rest on Matt, "As I recall, you wanted to stay."
"I wanted to," Matt agreed, " But I didn't know if you'd still want to me around if I showed you how messed up I really am."
"You can't scare me away." Kelly responded no more than a beat later, a smile on his face. "And it was nice, I mean you slept all day, but I enjoyed that actually."
Matt smiled as he dipped his head, "I haven't slept that good in a long time."
"Because my couch is just that comfortable?" Kelly teased, taking a long draw of his cigar.
Matt thought for a moment. "You're safe."
"I'm what?" Kelly frowned, look at Matt curiously.
Matt shrugged, "You make me feel safe. No one's been able to do that before."
Kelly's expression fell, but for a different reason completely. Matt never ever, not in a million years, should have ever deserved to feel like this. He's the kind of person that everyone should care about, yet he'd never received enough love throughout his life. Kelly got angry just thinking about it, his fists clenching with frustration.
"Before we get into anything," Matt spoke after a few moments of silence, "You need to know that I'm not who you think I am." He needed Kelly to know the full extent of his issues if they were moving forward. It'd be unfair for Kelly to have to find out all about that on his own, especially if they were already invested in each other.
"What, you got some secret Hannah Montana life you've been keeping from me all these years?" Kelly tried to lighten the mood with a loose smile.
He was ecstatic when Matt gave some semblance of a smirk back, taking a long draw from his cigar. "Something like that."
"Whatever it is," Kelly replied hesitantly. "I don't care, Matt. I already know everything I need to know."
"Oh yeah?" Matt raised an eyebrow, looking over to Kelly with an interested gaze.
"I know that you're hard on yourself, which means that you think you're not good enough. I know that no matter how much you deny it, you're caring and kind, gentle and thoughtful. I know that life's been shit for you, and I know that you're hurting more often that not." Kelly paused, studying Matt under a thick gaze. "I know that I've loved you since our fourth call together, and that I could never stop loving you."
A blush crept up Matt's neck and pushed against his cheeks.
"I know that I'm ready to do whatever it takes to help you understand that." Kelly added, a quiet moment of silence flitting between them.
"You—?" Matt spoke after letting the words slowly absorb into his speeding mind.
"Unless that's not what you want, of course. Then just say the word and I'll support you as a friend."
"I want you." Matt murmurer quietly, cigar now forgotten between his index and middle finger, a short waft of smoke trailing from its lit end.
Kelly nodded, "Then you have me."
Matt let out a breath of relief. "I guess I can't say my dad didn't do anything for me." He spoke, voice quiet and words almost foreign on his tongue.
Kelly looked at Matt thoughtfully, "What do you mean?"
"I don't know if any of this would have happened if I hadn't had such a screwed up day yesterday."
"I don't know how much longer I could've stayed away." Kelly murmured gently, looking down as his fingers curled around Matt's forearm.
"Well, you don't have to be worried about staying away anymore." Matt smiled. "But can we keep this to ourselves for now?"
"Of course." Kelly nodded understandingly, "Anything you want, Matty."
"And Kelly?" Matt's eyes twinkled happily.
Kelly looked over, a smirk falling onto his face as he took in Matt's playful grin. "Yeah?"
"I love you too."