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I stared off the edge of a cliff, watching the moon slowly rise in the sky, bringing stars with it. The gentle, silvery light reflected on the ocean’s waves, the crashing of water on rock below me. It was beautiful, but at the same time I couldn’t bring myself to feel happy. Or feel anything, really.
I sat there, hugging my legs to my chest. Everything was numb to me in order to ignore the raging whispers and thoughts within my mind. Today, they were determined to make me break. Constantly throwing comments and emotions at me, I nearly gave in, I nearly broke to them. Which is why I was here, away from everyone in case I did break. They don’t need me breaking down on them and being more of a burden then I already am.
My thoughts drifted to my friends, thinking about how they would react. They would probably say I’m not a burden, that they want to be there for me, but the thoughts just turn around and say “they’re lying”, “they don’t really want to help you”, and “they’re just saying that”. Because of this, I never ask for help, I never ask for support. I never ask for anything.
At the same time, I try to turn down their help, feeling like I’m receiving a handout when I don’t deserve it. Some push until I accept, others stop after a while. Most don’t push that far. This is one of the easier ways for me to determine the level of friendship with someone. If they truly cared, they would continue to push…
I sighed softly, thinking of the few people that actually stick around. Had they known I was having a down day they probably would drop whatever they were doing - no matter the importance - to come support and comfort me. Which is why I didn’t tell them. I’m not worth enough for everything to be dropped for.
I stared out over the water and the stars above. It was kind of funny, thinking about it. I feel like I’m being drowned in emotions and pain like one would drown in the waves of the ocean. Yet, the world doesn’t view this darkness the same way as true drowning. They see it temporary, insignificant. A mood swing, perhaps. But not the big issue it is.
Slowly, the whispers started coming back. You aren’t wanted, they said. No one will notice if you leave. Why not jump for a swim? Just to feel something besides nothing?
At this point, I was growing tempted. I’ve been numb for so long, lost in the darkness with no light to guide the way. The lack of motivation to move was the only thing that kept me from moving off the edge of the cliff. It just took so much energy…
I knew you were worthless, the voice of an old… someone, echoed in my mind. You can’t do anything right. Why are you even here?
Why am I here…?
You just screw up everything, someone else said. Why can’t you just follow directions?
I was numb to most of the comments, the complaints, having grown used to the constant failures. However, the next voice completely shattered my composure and my heart. The voice of my fiance. All you ever do is have attacks, mental, emotional, or otherwise. How can someone be so weak minded? This is why I don’t talk to you as much anymore. This is why we’ve grown apart. You take too much to care for. Why would anyone love someone as broke as you are?
“No…”
You’re weak.
Worthless..
...don’t matter…
Why are you here?... you should just leave…
“Please… stop…” Everyone’s voices started swirling around together, overlapping one another.
Pathetic…
...Screw up…
...maybe if you weren’t here, things would be better…
Maybe you should just di-
I looked up suddenly when I heard my name, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. My fiance kneeled next to me, concern written on his face. Tears were rolling down my face, and I was sure my eyes were red and puffy.
I sagged in relief into his arms, sobbing quietly into his shoulder. This felt like a beacon of light to me, finally breaking through the dark clouds of my mind. I don’t know how long we stayed there in each other’s arms, silently giving comfort to the other. My fiance letting me know I wasn’t alone in the dark, me letting him know I need him, that I won’t block him out. Eventually, I fell asleep in his arms under the stars and to the soft crashing of waves, knowing that, if he’s here, I’m safe from the Darkness.