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fine, jisung’s not going to go ahead and lie about not getting envious of others easily. he’s gone green over changbin and his voice, its nasal scratch when he raps especially; it’d taken him forever to reconcile with the other and accept him as an equal. meeting minho had gone over like poop in a punch bowl, what with the former’s bright, wide eyes and gorgeous looks. somehow, they’d clicked while squealing over minho’s cats two weeks into knowing each other, so jisung guesses that’s fine, too.
but when chan saunters into the practice room with a boy in tow, jisung almost fumes animatedly, steam gushing from his ears. out of all the trainees chan could’ve selected, he’d taken this guy under his wing - the boy looks not even a day past sixteen, shaggy dark hair tumbling past his eyebrows, eyes glimmering as he drinks in the sight of the room. changbin’s busy practising his verse, whilst minho's going over a few dance steps, with felix analysing a video of himself dancing in the corner of the room.
“hey, guys,” chan choruses, voice bellowing. he garners the attention of everyone in the room, who slowly traipse over to the newcomer. “this is hwang hyunjin. he specialises in dance.”
of course he does , jisung snaps, but only in his head. he’s not sure what that means, but still. the boy offers a small smile, eyes turning up into a pair of crescents. it takes all of jisung not to punch the guy in the face, and they haven’t even engaged in a single conversation just yet. “hey. i’m hyunjin. i’m eighteen this year, and i’ve been training for about eight months now. glad to meet you all.”
“ah, so you’re older than jisung and felix-ah,” minho points out, chuckling as he ruffles jisung’s head affectionately, but it seems weird. heck, hyunjin pretty much looks like a baby next to jisung.
“i guess so,” he chuckles, and goddammit . forget how pretty the guy looks, his voice itself is sure to have all the fans falling head over heels for him with just three little words. jisung struggles to keep his face composed, but it’s tough when his lips are itching to pinch together into a frown.
chan pats hyunjin’s shoulder firmly, a radiant smile across his face. “he’s with us now. try not to kill him while he’s around,” he announces, which makes everyone burst into laughter - jisung fakes a dry chuckle, but even as he does, he notices hyunjin’s eyes on him, confused at his reaction.
jisung ignores the sudden weird clamminess of his palms. he wipes them against the fabric of his jeans as he stalks off, his back facing hyunjin.
—
as the weeks pass, jisung hasn’t really let go of this grudge he has against the other. it’s stupid, really, when they practise together but have never gone past a hi or a bye , a you going for lunch? or a want some water, jisung-ah? they’ve never even held a coherently well-built conversation together, and jisung already hates the guy’s guts.
and as the weeks pass, chan takes in more kids under his wing - there’s seungmin, who walks in with his perky glasses and nasal voice to challenge changbin’s, and there’s jeongin, who could easily rival a pre-teen in terms of looks, what with his braces and cute demeanour. jisung easily hits it off with both of them, the novices, so quickly that it shocks him, but perhaps it has something to do with the fact that he’s been avoiding the other newly brought-in novice in the room.
to be frank, novice isn’t quite the word - hyunjin’s incredible at dancing. when he’d been asked to dance before all of them, jisung had to keep his jaw from dropping to the floor, unlike the others. there was something about the way his body flowed from one movement to the next.
like a waterfall, waves surging with power, but still a steady flow of water meandering its way downwards. after he’d done, sweat was rolling down the sides of the boy’s face, and immediately jisung switched back to being a green-eyed monster. how the boy still looked handsome while sweating buckets was a damned mystery, and something jisung certainly did not want to have to deal with. not now, not ever.
a month passes without ever so much of a blink of an eye. jisung’s sat on one of the couches in the recording studio, listening and re-listening to a song he, chan and changbin had recorded together for a while now. the beat drop is incredible, but the choreography wouldn’t be mind-blowing enough for a debut of some sort. if they are to debut, that is.
the possibility of never debuting haunts jisung terribly. rapping, singing, music has been in his very fingertips ever since he was young and naive and had no idea how cruel the music industry really was. he’s been under the company for a while now, certainly not as long as chan has, but long enough to know that not debuting could might as well be a reality.
he sighs, tapping his pen against his booklet of lyrics as his voice comes over the speakers, scratchy as he hits the high notes. just as the chorus drops, there’s a silent knock on the door. “come in!” jisung hollers over the music.
chan stumbles in, a grin plastered across his face. he hasn’t looked this cheerful since matryoshyka had gone viral on soundcloud. “you listening to ‘i can’t sleep’ again, jisung-ah?”
“yeah, well,” jisung rubs the nape of his neck. “tryna think of a better title, actually. why? what’s up?”
the smile on chan’s lips widens a little more. “come on. i’ve got really, seriously great news for everyone. it’s going to blow everyone’s minds.” chan hurriedly strides in to turn the music off and switch the lights off, too.
baffled, jisung scrambles to his feet and shuffles after chan, hot on his heels. they turn a sharp corner before halting before the door to the practice room, which chan shoves open. everyone else is huddled together in a circle in the practice room, all seeming to be as confused as jisung himself.
a sort of tension lingers in the air as jisung plops himself down into the empty spot between minho and felix. “what’s going on, hyung?” he hisses into minho's ear.
minho shrugs. “my bet is as good as yours, jisung-ah.”
as soon as everyone’s settled, chan seats himself down in between hyunjin and jeongin, who had been engaging in a tickle fight only a few seconds ago. “alright, guys,” he clasps his hands together, grin immoveable from his face. something like hope stirs in jisung’s chest, at the point of blossoming; he holds himself back lest his heart gets broken. “i was speaking to jyp-nim this morning, and he gave me some fantastic news.”
everyone leans in, jisung included, to catch every one of chan’s words. “he told me he’s planning on starting a sort of survival show, and he wants two trainee groups to be in the first episode, and he’ll decide on which group has the chance of debuting through this survival show. one of them is the girls trainee group - y’know, who i talk to sometimes during lunch - and the other one is-”
“-us?” jeongin butts in, voice squeaky and high-pitched.
chan’s expression says it all, and the rest of them burst into chaos. minho, who jisung knows has been dancing for forever and more, looks shocked, jaw dropped with his eyes bugging out. seungmin, hyunjin, felix and jeongin exchange high-fives, while chan noogies all four of their heads. changbin chuckles as he shuffles over to jisung and slaps his back. “jisung-ah. did you hear what chan-hyung said?”
“yeah, i did,” jisung breathes. “we might get to debut.”
“calm down, everyone!” chan laughs aloud. “now’s not the time to celebrate. we have to seriously prepare a great showcase for the survival show. he said he plans on starting filming in about three weeks’ time, since everything else has been settled already. he’s planning a meeting with us tomorrow with more details of the show, but for now we have to really start grinding.”
“let’s go! start practising!” hyunjin laughs, bouncing to his feet. for once, jisung complies, his heart beating too fast from all the adrenaline pounding through his veins. he feels like he might fly along with his dreams finally becoming a reality. when hyunjin smiles at him, this time, jisung grins back.
—
despite his high hopes for the group, jisung feels like he might either a) puke out his measly dinner of rice and veggies, or b) pass out from lethargy. he listens to his voice over and over again, a sample for the song they’re planning to perform for the first episode of the survival show, which determines whether they stay on, or keep training for god knows how long more.
he sighs, running a hand through his hair. “you think we can pull it off?” he asks chan hesitantly.
chan adjusts his cap on his head. “i’m determined for us all to pull it off. the most important thing is to dance as one moving body, and to make sure no one messes up their lines,” he claims, before returning his attention to the glowing screen, light throwing shadows over his tired face. he’s adamant to have them debut together, all nine of them, through the survival show; having worked so hard to get where he is today, jisung knows the load is heavier on chan than anyone else.
occupying the other armchair is changbin, who’s scrutinising the lyrics. “y’know, we can tweak this one part here in the pre-chorus,” he pipes up, leaning over to show chan the lyrics he has on his phone screen. as he watches the both of them begin to discuss animatedly, jisung’s eyelids begin falling.
trying to keep himself awake, he stands to his feet and mumbles something about getting a couple of cold drinks for them. the two hardly bat an eyelash when jisung slips out of the room. at this time of the evening, everyone’s gone home, leaving only the three of them analysing and scrutinising their every move for the survival show.
jisung shuffles down the hallway to the drinks dispenser when he hears a squeak of shoes against floor. he winces at the sound of it shattering the silence on the building floor. as he does, he notices the lights still on in one of the practice rooms near the elevator. curiosity bubbles in his gut as he pads over to the door and peers through the window.
through the glass, he watches a figure dressed in a faded tee and grey sweatpants move in time with the beat pounding from a mini speaker. it takes him a solid ten seconds to realise that it’s hyunjin , hwang hyunjin of all people, who’s sweating buckets as he practises the same twist-stomp-turn move over and over again. jisung notices the flicker of a line of frustration on the older’s face as he tries to perfect the position of his arms as he turns his body round.
watching him, guilt eats jisung through his chest. he’s been avoiding hyunjin for forever simply because he thinks the boy’s too good-looking to be around them. and what for, when clearly the poor guy’s working just as hard as the rest of them, perhaps even more? jisung tries pushing away the warmth spreading throughout his chest, but when he’s walking back to the recording room a little later after visiting the drinks dispenser, he deposits a can of coke just outside the practice room door for good measure.
—
with two weeks left before filming begins and their lives begin getting tracked by a camera hovering over them every single second, jisung relishes in his freedom of privacy as he stretches out his limbs languidly. he always whines and complains a lot as his sore muscles cramp up, and he wants to keep doing so up until the camera begins recording all those ridiculous audios of him.
felix laughs as jisung grumbles on and on about his sore calves. “c’mon, jisung, we barely even practised yesterday,” he teases lightly, bumping the other on the elbow.
jisung screws his face up. “not my fault that i'm old.”
“i'm literally a day younger than you!”
the rapper bursts into giggles, just as the door swings open - in walks hyunjin, dressed top to toe in black: black cap, black tank top, black jeans, black converses. as soon as they lock eyes, jisung shuts up and averts his gaze downwards at his own shoes. ever since the drinks incident two days ago, jisung’s still maintaining his distance from the other, but for an entirely different reason - to avoid having to answer any queries from hyunjin.
felix seems to catch on, because as soon as hyunjin turns his back on them, he swivels around to face jisung. “what was that, jisungie?”
“whaddya mean, what was that?-”
“-hyunjin was saying hi to us and you just blatantly ignored him,” felix accuses, folding his arms across his chest. “so i ask, what was that?”
sighing, jisung cards a hand through his hair. “‘s nothing, felix.”
silence hovers over them for a moment, just for a moment, before a smirk creeps onto the younger’s face. his eyes are bright with mischief. “jisungie... do you have a crush on hyunjinnie?” he teases. when there comes no reply from jisung (who is, undeniably surprised), felix gasps dramatically. “you do? do you seriously like hyunjin-”
“-shut up, felix,” jisung scolds him. “don’t go around saying things that aren’t real, or you’ll regret ever learning korean.”
he watches felix’s eyes crinkle upwards as he laughs at jisung and his attempt at threatening the former. he sighs, patting jisung’s back before turning on his heel to talk to seungmin. he leaves jisung there, next to the boombox in the practice room, utterly dumbfounded and confused.
—
nighttime falls fast, quite like the hours that fly by. two weeks. two weeks until the show determines their very future. sighing, jisung stalks into the dormitory room that he shares with a handful of the guys from his dance group, and some he’s not too familiar with, before grabbing his toiletries and making his way to the bathroom.
midnight is a dark streak in the sky outside, coupled by the chirping of crickets. it’d been a long day, with everyone learning their lines for the performance song and the choreography for the dance. jisung had stayed back to keep practising his lines over and over again, adamant not to screw up on something so huge in his music career. with everyone in bed now, he has the bathroom all to himself, which is kinda nice, he supposes.
making the most out of it, he jumps into the shower and gifts himself a quick, warm rinse, shampoo lathed over his sore muscles, water trickling down the strands of his hair. he changes into some plaid pyjamas, brushes his teeth, flosses well and washes his face thoroughly.
when he stumbles out of the bathroom, he almost crashes into someone else. “oh, shit, sorry,” jisung apologises on instinct, before raising his head to meet hyunjin’s tired eyes. the other looks beat, arms glistening with sweat, hair matted on his forehead. for a moment, neither of them say a word, both too surprised by each other’s presence to make a move.
it’s hyunjin who snaps out of his trance first. “oh, hi jisung. sorry, i didn’t realise you were there.”
“no, i’m sorry,” jisung babbles. “i should’ve looked where i was going, and um. sorry if i used up all the warm water, you look way more tired than i am right now. uh. and i probably left my shampoo in there, but you can totally use it, i-”
“-do you always ramble like this after showering?” hyunjin asks, but his tone is light and teasing. despite how exhausted he looks, he smiles gently at the younger. the corners of his full lips tug upwards affectionately, cute even, and wait. where did that thought even come from?
jisung shakes his head, pushing the though all the way behind in his head. perhaps it’s the lethargy beginning to sink into his bones that’s addling with his brain. “well, maybe. anyways… good night.”
“good night, jisungie.” the nickname is quick to roll off of hyunjin’s tongue, and the way it sounds sends heat pooling in jisung’s cheeks. he ducks his head down as he passes by hyunjin, but not quickly enough - hyunjin calls him out again. “jisung?”
“yeah?”
jisung doesn’t turn around to face the other, but he can sense a smile in the other’s voice. “thanks for the drink that day. appreciate it, jisungie.”
—
that night, someone appears in jisung’s dream. the details are a little fuzzy, but he remembers a pair of silver earrings, bright crescent eyes and full lips in an equally bright smile. he remembers a hand holding his hip, another hand cupping his cheek. he remembers the weird feeling of lips brushing against his own, before he wakes up to hugging his plushie and kissing the fur of it.
he’s so screwed.
—
if jisung had been avoiding hyunjin before, the older is practically a plague to him now. every day leading up to filming is spent with jisung trying his best to keep away from hyunjin; key word is trying, because hyunjin thinks that that night was their turning point. he comes up to jisung for help with his rapping, asks him if he wants any drinks, shares a joke with him through kakaotalk. hyunjin thinks this is bliss; jisung begs to differ.
that dream haunts him every second of his life, and whenever he has the time alone (which isn’t too much, considering how much they’re together practising and eating lunch in the same room), he brushes his fingertips across his lips, the nostalgy of the dream making his heart flutter here and there. it scares him, really, of what is to come after.
the confusion of possibly developing feelings for the older sends jisung into a spiral day after day. he’s never liked a guy before, let alone someone who he once hated his guts for being way too good-looking. but he remembers a phrase chan once told him when jisung was still envious of changbin’s voice and damned him for it. there’s a fine line between love and hate.
then again, it’s not like he loved changbin or minho, right? so why is this different with hyunjin? yeah, sure, so he has looks of a model out of a vogue photoshoot and lips to rival kylie jenner’s and moves to compete with the world’s best dancer out there, but why him ?
jisung finds himself pondering over this in the recording room one afternoon, having skipped lunch because too much thinking simply stole away his appetite that day. lyrics are scribbles across his notebook, his pen dumped beside the tattered pages. he sighs deeply, rubbing his face with his palms. the last thing he needs to worry over are his feelings for hyunjin of all people, but here he is, the boy somehow having weaselled his way into jisung’s thoughts and settled smack dab in the middle of his mind.
the lyrics he’s writing aren’t any less disappointing, either. for god’s sake, they’re love songs , something chan said they should avoid until jeongin turns thirty or something along those lines. but he can’t resist himself from spilling his guts all over the lined pages, word after word after word pouring from his fingers like a river gushing out and splaying over fields of grassland.
there’s a quiet knock on the door, and chan’s head pokes in. “hey, jisung ah. you sure you don’t wanna eat with us?” he prods.
jisung shakes his head, plastering on a smile. “no, hyung. i’m good.”
“i brought a drink for you, anyways,” chan announces, striding in and closing the door behind him. he shuffles over to where jisung is leaning back on the roller chair. he hands the bottle of orange juice to jisung with a grin. “you look so sullen nowadays.”
“just tired,” jisung replies, screwing the cap of the bottle open. he lowers his face mask to bring the mouth of the bottle to his lips.
chan shrugs, leaning against the desk. “well, i don’t know. i came because hyunjin was asking for you-”
the younger almost chokes on his orange juice. “hyunjin asked about me?” he splutters.
surprise is evident on chan’s face. “well, yeah. he did. why?” he narrows his eyes at jisung, zeroing in on his face. and because jisung is an idiot, and because jisung has to be confused over his maybe-i-like-him feelings for hyunjin, and because jisung can’t fucking hide his expression from his face, chan gasps. “oh, wow. so felix was right. you do like hyunjinnie.”
“no!” jisung spits. “wait… felix? felix told you?”
“well, he told me he was might suspicious of you,” chan shrugs. “if it makes you feel any better, it’s not like i’m going to tell anyone, let alone pd-nim. that’d be blasphemy. it’s your feelings, not mine.”
the younger grits his teeth together. “i… i don’t like him,” he forces out.
puzzled, chan cocks his head sideways. “really, huh?”
a push-pull decision forms in jisung’s head. it’s not like he knows whether he really likes hyunjin or not, but then again, chan is practically a big brother to him. it’s unlikely for chan to joke about jisung’s confusion, so he might as well tell about his feelings to chan for some sort of advice, right? besides, the other has a good few years ahead of jisung; he probably knows a thing or two about liking other trainees. “well… maybe i do. and maybe i don’t. i really don’t know, hyung.”
“start slow.” chan smiles. “let’s say you really like hyunjinnie. what do you like about him? what do you hate?”
“uh,” jisung chews on his lower lip. “i like how passionate about dancing and music he is, and his determination. he always stays up late to practise harder and to improve himself, even though he’s already so good at dancing, better than at least five of us combined. and i like that he’s really cheerful and stuff, like a moodmaker of the team, y’know? and as much as i hate to say it, i kinda like his laugh. he finds everything funny and laughs like no one’s watching him, y’know?”
chan blinks, amused. “then, what do you hate about him?”
the dark-haired boy scratches the nape of his neck. “that’s the thing. i hated him the second he walked in that day with you, because i thought he was way too young-”
“-jisung! have you seen jeongin- ”
“-and way too good-looking. you know how i felt when minho-hyung first walked into the room,” jisungs frowns. “so why is this time different from when changbin-hyung and minho-hyung were first introduced?”
grinning, chan ruffles the younger’s hair. “well. you’re bound to develop feelings for someone. maybe changbin or minho isn’t your type, but you feel like hyunjin is just that someone you’re bound to like sooner or later,” he says.
“thing is, i haven’t even held a coherent conversation with him before,” jisung pouts.
chan chuckles, before shifting his weight back to his two feet. “well, jisungie, it’s about time you put aside your pride and arrogance and really man up to talk to him, if you really do like him, y’know.”
—
easier said than done. any time that jisung spends with hyunjin is with the team, certainly not the best time to strike up a casual conversation that has nothing related to dance or music. they’re busy practising for the showcase, and for some reason or another, the gods have decided to fuck around with jisung today - he can’t get the hand movement right, his fingers fumbling over one another as he fakes pulling it off.
but of course chan catches on; chan, the ever-so-observant leader head-strong about them pulling off the performance with a flourish. after a few more rounds, chan pauses the music. “jisung. you’re not getting the hand movement right.”
“i know, i know. trying,” he protests, his eyes landing back on the mirror to twist his hands around. his wrists are stiff to the bone, unable to lock and unlock properly.
when his eyes land on chan’s in the reflection of the mirror, he realises a glimmer in the leader’s eyes. chan turns his head to the clock on the wall, signalling one o’clock in the afternoon. “alright, then. everyone can head for lunch first, and we’ll meet back at two for a full run-through. hyunjin, can you stay back with jisung and teach him that move before lunch?”
no, no, no. jisung cannot stay in a room alone with hyunjin like this. he watches on in horror as hyunjin beams and nods like the obedient, helpful teammate he is. today, he has on a faded band tee, paired with ripped denim jeans that show off the length of his legs - something jisung is frightfully jealous of. when he thinks over it again, he realises it probably has more to do with jisung’s feelings towards the other, rather than jealousy.
he really should stop blaming stuff on his pride and arrogance.
when the door clicks shut behind chan, who’s the last to leave, hyunjin claps his hands together and bounds over to jisung. “c’mon. i’ll teach you real quick so we still have time for lunch.”
jisung nods his head soundlessly, watches hyunjin’s fingers intertwine and release as he demonstrates the move slowly. he tries mimicking the other’s hands in the reflection of the mirror, eyes staying on the smooth skin of the older’s long fingers, the little vein running down the older’s forearm.
stop getting distracted already, he chastises himself. he tries twisting his wrists together, but fails to do so, instead crashing his fingers together. “ouch,” jisung hisses, sucking on his forefinger.
hyunjin laughs. “c’mon, big baby. it’s easy.” he shuffles over, and what the fuck is going on now? hyunjin reaches out of cup both of jisung’s hands, positioning them in the hand-lock movement. “just place them like this - one, two, then twist them back around.”
jisung looks down at his hands, then back up at hyunjin’s concentrated face. his lips are pursed into a thin line, eyes glimmering as they cast downwards at the younger’s hands. he doesn’t look away in time, though, for hyunjin glimpses up shyly, the corners of his eyes crinkled into a small smile. “you okay, jisungie?”
“yeah.” jisung means for his voice to be firm, strong, but it comes out more like a feeble breath. they’re so close, foreheads nearly touching. they’re so close that jisung can smell the detergent on hyunjin’s shirt and the sweat dotting hyunjin’s scalp. his palms turn clammy in hyunjin’s soft grip. “yeah, i’m okay.”
the older tilts his head a little, watching the other with new eyes. “your ears are red, sungie.”
“they are?”
“yeah.”
jisung blinks dumbly at hyunjin, his eyes careful where to travel over the other’s face. stupidly enough, they land on the his lips, a line of sweat on his upper lip. it should be unsexy, but it only causes jisung’s heart to jolt against his chest. all it takes is for him to lean in, curl their fingers together tighter, intertwined.
the door to the practice room flings open to reveal changbin traipsing in, eyes on his phone screen. when he peers up, his eyes widen at the sight of the both of them, hands locked. “oh, sorry!” he gasps, quickly running to the couch and grabbing his bottle of water from there. “was gonna get this, whoops! uh, see y’all.” he zips out of the door in a flash, enough time for both boys to snap out of their trance.
hyunjin laughs dryly, his eyes returning to stare at the younger’s. “get a load of that guy,” he jokes. he removes his hands from where they’re wrapped around jisung’s wrists. the warmth of the other’s skin evaporates, dissipating into thin air. “so. do you get the move now?”
“yeah,” jisung mumbles. his eyes glance down at his hands, imagining hyunjin’s palms still encased over them, rubbing circles over the knuckles there. “i think i get it now.”
—
with eight days left until the clock strikes, jisung realises that it’s true, it’s inevitable. he spends a grand lot of his time thinking about a particular boy with a prince-like smile and gracious features and a voice like heaven cuddling with him, squished in his dormitory bunk bed and peppering his face with kisses. but dreams are not reality, and so jisung leaves it as that.
it’s tougher, especially with hyunjin now closer to him than ever. he warms up for their practices next to jisung, chattering away. when he can, he sneaks a message to jisung via kakaotalk, which jisung tries not to squeal over and instead simply sends a cute sticker of a laughing ryan back.
days fly by in this manner, jisung trying so hard to suppress the flowers blooming for the boy under his very chest. his heart thumps so hard under his chest whenever he watches the way hyunjin’s body moves fluidly, water flowing smoothly from one move to the next, face contorted into expression. where minho is powerful and felix is strong, hyunjin exudes confidence and flows in time with the beat.
nights fly by in this manner, jisung trying so hard to suppress the urge to duck into the boy’s dormitory room and exchange jokes with him. he imagines hyunjin cupping his cheeks softly and pressing his full lips against jisung’s thin ones, soft pillows dragging across his cheek.
every thought is a burn scalding jisung’s mind, so much so that he doesn’t quite remember what is real and unreal now. he keeps his two feet as grounded as he can, but it’s tough, especially since hyunjin just strutted into the room wearing a tank top and baggy pants, the hip-hop style jisung’s grown accustomed to see him wearing.
“alright, c’mon guys,” chan claps his hands together. “taking it from the top, alright!”
jisung averts his gaze from the mirror as much as he can, but there’s only so much space to stare at. he finds himself staring openly at the boy again, lips pursed together, shoes squeaking against the floor, the little bicep on the other’s arm.
when lunch comes and goes, jisung decides to take a break and stalk to the drinks dispenser. when he does, he runs into a girl from the trainee group they’re facing off next week, ryujin. she’s nice enough, offering a grin, but jisung knows better. something like fear pools in his gut when she heads back for practice with her own group.
to think that of all times to fall in love with someone, it has to be the biggest moment of his life, the make it or break it moment. jisung contemplates banging his head against the glass of the vending machine.
“jisungie?” hyunjin calls out. jisung swivels around to see the boy striding over, his eyes concerned. “you okay? chan-hyung said you were taking a really long time, so he sent me after you.”
of course he did , jisung thinks bitterly. even chan’s trying to get them together, chan, who’s screwing everyone’s heads firmly onto their bodies with only thoughts of their possible success in their minds. “ah, sorry. i met ryujin-ssi just now.”
“ah, ryujin!” hyunjin’s eyes light up. “she’s really good, you know. i saw her at the trainee showcase a while back.” his voice is bubbly and light, but his commendations only eat through jisung’s heart.
“yeah,” jisung nods, feigning enthusiasm. “anyways. i’ll get going.”
he’s about to pass hyunjin on the way back to the practice room when a hand comes down on his narrow wrist. shocked, he glimpses up to see hyunjin staring at him. they stay like that for a while, neither making a move. with how hyunjin’s fingers are wrapped around his wrist, jisung figures the older can make out how fast his heart is beating. he clears his throat. “yeah, hyunjinnie?”
hyunjin looks at him, eyes darting downwards slightly. oh. “actually…” his voice trails off. he chews on his bottom lip, and it drives jisung positively crazy. “i wanted to ask you something.”
“yeah?”
“do you mind staying back with me today? there’s a few lines i wanted to run through with you, just to check.” the words leave hyunjin’s throat in a breathy rush, and that’s when jisung drinks in how pink the other’s cheeks are. warmth rises up all in a rush to his head.
to think hyunjin wanted to go over his lines, not with chan, nor changbin, but him ? something like hope flaps its wings against his ribcage, and this time he lets the hope grow. “sure. after practice?”
“mhm,” hyunjin nods.
their hands remain intertwined in that way, until they hear sneakers against the marble tiled floors of the hallway. when jisung walks back to the practice room alone, hyunjin parting ways to head to the toilets, he finds himself smiling to himself.
—
eventually, practice ends, and everyone files out of the room, greeting each other good night and goodbye. wanting to relisten to his voice after practising, hyunjin drags jisung into an empty recording room, and the rapper is only so happy to tag along.
“what do you want me to help you with?” jisung asks as he flicks the lights and air-conditioning on. he watches hyunjin shrug off the jacket he’d thrown on earlier before dinner, and place it on the couch.
“i wanted to ask you how to improve, like.” hyunjin makes a gesture to his throat, running a finger up and down it, as if jisung doesn’t understand korean. “my voice. when i rap.”
to say jisung is surprised a little bit of an understatement. whilst the other doesn’t specialise in rapping, he’s already pretty great himself. jisung likes the way hyunjin’s voice is a little scratchy at the edges when he raps; a good asset, really. “why? i think you’re already quite fine yourself.”
hyunjin flops himself down onto the worn-out couch with a lazy grin, a sigh escaping from his lips. he flings an arm over his eyes in exasperation, dramatic. “well, that’s the thing! i’m fine , but not great . you know how jyp-nim is when it comes to stage presence and all. plus,” he removes his arm to peer up at jisung, who’s standing by the edge of the couch. “you’re seriously great at rapping.”
“well,” jisung chuckles humorlessly. he tries to act modest, though he can’t deny the fact that he practically feels his ego inflating like a balloon, especially with this coming from the teammate he has a major crush on. “chan-hyung and changbin-hyung are even better, really.”
“yeah, but you have this like…” hyunjin ponders over what words to use. “presence. when you rap. your voice is very powerful and strong, like you’re using a lot of your effort to rap. and you sing good, too. that’s so unfair,” he pouts, and it’s the most adorable thing ever, and jisung has to refrain from reaching out and pressing his own lips against the older’s.
pink splotches jisung’s cheeks. “well, thanks… you’re better at dancing, though,” he protests.
hyunjin lifts his shoulder into a shrug. “whatever. can i show you how i’m rapping my verse? then can you tell me how i can improve on it?”
“sure.”
and hyunjin raps well, seriously. it sounds exactly the same as when he rapped during their full run-through practice earlier, but no, something’s different. something’s clearly off, but jisung can’t really pinpoint what exactly. his lips tug into a frown as hyunjin continues with his verse, and when he reaches halfway through it, realisation dawns upon jisung. his heart races against his chest when hyunjin’s voice trails off, his eyes shyly meeting the former’s. could it be?
“you were good.”
“then why’re you frowning like that?”
hurt is scribbled all over hyunjin’s face. jisung bites down on his lower lip, hesitating before he finally speaks up. “where’s your stage presence? you said it yourself. i’m the audience, so why do you keep looking elsewhere? it’s going to downgrade your presence by a lot, you know that, and you know how pissy chan-hyung is when you don’t show off yourself.”
hyunjin blinks at the younger. “well…”
“well, what?”
“can you come here?”
baffled, jisung pads over to where hyunjin is standing by the computer desk, until they’re a good few inches apart. “what? are you gonna rap again? you know the audience won’t be that close to you, you know that already-”
he’s cut off when he feels a warm hand on his hip, another hand brushing against the apple of his cheek, and shit. is this really happening? the line between dream and reality is blurred, something out of jisung’s daydreams now happening before his very eyes. his eyes widen when hyunjin leans in and all he feels is the softness and gentleness of a feathery kiss against his lips. warmth clouds his thoughts as he sinks into the moment, hands rushing to cup hyunjin’s chubby cheeks. his eyes close on their own account, his heart bursting at the very seams of his ribcage.
the room is quiet, save for the sound of lips against lips and the soft whines from hyunjin as jisung cages himself against the desk. jisung wants to pinch himself just to be sure that this really is happening. when they pull back for air, there’s a glittering of each other’s eyes before jisung closes the gap between them again.
the hand at his cheek rushes up to grasp at his hair. jisung breathes noisily against hyunjin’s lips, a mix of a laugh and a whimper. hyunjin giggles, tongue lapping over the younger’s lower lip. this time, when he leans back, he grins at jisung adorably. “i was nervous, actually.”
“why? ‘s just me,” jisung fibs, but he clearly knows the answer before hyunjin says it aloud.
“well. i like you a lot, jisungie.” he nuzzles his nose against jisung’s, and it takes every bit of his fibre not to explode into a million pieces. “i thought it’d be a wild card to do this, y’know. because you’ve always been avoiding me since the day i stepped into the practice room.”
jisung can’t help but laugh. “confession time. i thought you were too good-looking to be with us. i was mad jealous. turns out i like you, too.” the words spill past his lips in a frenzy, as if he’s rapping his confession, and hyunjin bursts into chuckles too.
he’s about to kiss the other again when the door to the recording room is shoved open. the pair of them spring backwards, hyunjin grabbing onto the desk while jisung hurriedly jumps onto the couch, just in time, for chan pads into the room. he raises his eyebrows at the sight of them. “oh, sorry! i was gonna start producing that song we were working on, but since you both are using this room, carry on,” he nods.
before jisung can protest, chan throws him a wink, clicking his tongue as he always does before heading out and shutting the door behind him. to say jisung is embarrassed is the understatement of the year, but at least it gives him a couple more minutes to pepper hyunjin’s lips with kisses as they lay on the recording room’s couch.
—
the first episode of the survival show comes and goes in a blink of an eye. everyone is still riding out their high when they emerge back to the dorm block. the slight relief in knowing that they have a chance, a really good chance, to debut, lifts some of the weight bearing down upon jisung’s shoulders. the slip-up during rehearsal wasn’t much, but the cameras and chan’s voice made it all seem very ominous, and jisung’s pretty sure the scene’s going to get edited to be twisted into some sort of overdramatic cut.
still, he’d gotten a squeeze of reassurance from hyunjin before they’d gone onstage, and everything, like that, flew by in a blur. his journey is changing lanes - this is where he’s starting off now. three years of training has led him to this .
the cameras only stop rolling a while later, and when they do, chan hugs each and every sweaty member one by one, so tight that jisung swears every ounce of air has been stolen from his lungs. then again, he shares chan’s ecstatic relief. yes, more work, more pressure, more stress - but with the hopes of a reward at the end of the long road.
sighing, jisung leans against hyunjin, which garners the attention of the observant younger ones. surprise is evident on their faces as hyunjin throws an arm around the younger’s smaller frame and leads them down the hallways.
seungmin puckers his lips together. “i didn’t know jisung and hyunjin got on so well together.”
from where he’s walking beside minho, chan smothers a laugh when jeongin shrugs and replies, “maybe it’s the excitement from the show.”
—
the survival show tears the both of them apart, but they try their best behind the cameras, which seem to follow them everywhere they go. practice schedules are packed, not just in terms of time but with the production crew, too. round after round after round sends all nine of them spiralling to the edge as the show throws them off here and there.
the turning point is when minho gets eliminated. all of them feel dejected, tears shed and muscles tired and sore. jisung’s grown attached to the other all too well, that the elimination feels too surreal, so unreal. he clings onto the older the entire time, holding him and brushing the silent tears from minho’s cheeks. the others are equally as upset and frustrated, because what did he do wrong?
and when felix is eliminated next, the world flips upside down yet again. instead of being sad, jisung’s frustrated, because what’s the point in debuting when not all of them are going to be together? he’s grown attached to felix and his aussie accent and his jokes about his feelings towards hyunjin and whatnot. he hates this feeling of hating something, yet not being able to change anything around.
one night, jisung sneaks into hyunjin’s bunk bed, careful for any cameras. there, he lets go, sobbing ugly tears into the older’s chest. he feels tears run down his hair, silent ones from hyunjin, but neither acknowledge them. all he feels are the warm arms clothed in soft pyjamas wrapped around his lithe figure, his leg thrown over hyunjin’s for comfort, a reminder of a constant throughout this ordeal.
halfway through the night, hyunjin’s thumb reaches out to rub jisung’s cheek, dried tears splayed there. “you okay now?”
jisung buries his head into the crook of the older’s neck, nodding slowly. hyunjin tilts the younger’s head up for their lips to brush, just once, twice, tasting slowly and savouring the moment. jisung sighs - it’s been forever since he’s been with the other this way, right now, in the other’s arms. he savours the moment because he’s not sure of what is to come for the nine of them in the future, because for now, hyunjin is his constant - he’s determined not to let that get taken away from him.
—
when they do succeed together as nine, it feels just as surreal as the eliminations. jisung is just as shocked as everyone else, and the whole evening is spent with whoops and laughter and hugs and warmth and home .
it amazes jisung how far they’ve come. all those months of training alongside chan and changbin, with everyone else slowly looped in for the ride, all those months have finally paid off. jisung feels weird to mouth the words, but he does anyway: we’re going to debut together.
as they make their way to the dining hall, jisung feels a tap on his shoulder, and he swivels around to meet hyunjin’s grin. his heart still thumps as harshly as that moment when the other had kissed him all those weeks ago in the recording room. “hey. i was thinking…”
“thinking of what?” jisung asks, casually looping an arm around hyunjin’s hip - no cameras are in sight for the moment, so they’re alright, they’re okay. he pinches hyunjin’s cheek when the latter begins blushing profusely.
“i was thinking of telling the others about, well, us… but only if you want to, of course,” hyunjin suggest nonchalantly, but his shaky eyes say otherwise.
the gears in jisung’s mind begin creaking. surely when they debut, they’ll hardly have time to be together, too, excluding time in the dormitories. which, of course, would be a straight impossible since no one knew of them being together (except, of course, chan. that hell of a leader, jisung swears sometimes.) it feels like the make it or break it point back at the trainee showcase, the start of it all. “yeah,” he pronounces slowly, surely. “yeah. we can.”
hyunjin’s grin is everlasting. behind their backs, they hold their hands together, fingers intertwined. (if anyone asks, they’ll say they’re too happy to realise.)
dinner is an affair to erupt through. everyone is on their all time highs, screeching and screaming and laughing like the true kids they are. it’s only when everyone’s indulging in their desserts that the room is somewhat quiet, and jisung takes the opportunity to clear his throat. “uh, hey guys-”
“-are you going to say something sappy again?” seungmin butts in. “we’ve already heard from chan-hyung and felix; i think you can save your breath.” everyone choruses in laughter, and jisung’s too giddy to tell the younger off.
“let him talk, seungmin ah,” chan admonishes lightly, but the gleeful look on his face tells jisung that their leader already has a sure guess on what is to come next.
jisung clears his throat again. “okay. so. well, this is going to be really absurd, and ridiculous, and-”
“-can we get to the point, sungie?” minho interrupts.
“well, we’ll never get there if you guys keep interrupting!” jisung retorts, exasperated. yet again, all of them laugh at his demise, until hyunjin leans in and presses his lips against jisung’s cheek. “oh, what the hell!”
pin-drop silence smothers all nine of them. chan wears an amused expression, minho’s wide eyes conform into saucers, changbin squeaks, felix gasps overdramatically, seungmin raises an eyebrow, and jeongin. well, jeongin screams and covers his eyes. “what the! jisung-hyung! hyunjin-hyung!”
hyunjin is the first to respond, laughing. “why, jeonginnie? jealous that you didn’t kiss jisungie first?”
like a flood rushing through, the questions are bullets at the both of them. when did you get together? what the fuck? how did this happen? jisung-hyung! i thought you hated hyunjin-hyung! wait, what about the dating ban? we haven’t even debuted- what do you mean, dating ban; this will fucking flip jyp-nim upside down and into hell!
minho calmly turns to changbin and stretches out his open palm. “i told you already, changbin. now pay up.” now it’s jisung’s turn to be stunned speechless as changbin begrudgedly yanks out his wallet and dumps a wad of bills into minho’s hand.
“you bet on the both of us?!” jisung accuses, scrambling to his feet.
minho shrugs calmly. “well. it’s not like the both of you are very secretive about it.”
jisung sighs noisily, and only really shuts up when hyunjin pecks his lips lightly. a chorus of awww’s from chan and changbin and ewww’s from the younger ones (and minho) fills the room, before everyone erupts into a cacophony once again. the entire time, jisung keeps his hand in hyunjin’s, the other drawing circles on jisung’s knuckles, the way the latter has dreamt of for a long time now. where they are now, jisung thinks, is merely just the start, for both the team of nine and for the pair of them.