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Donghyuck stared at his dancing friends. They were having fun, jamming to whatever music was on, seemingly randomly but still looking pretty cool. He was supposed to feel happy but something was wrong. He should be there with them, in the middle of the practice room, dancing his ass off, but there he was, just standing on the side, looking at them with an uncertain smile. He would’ve joined but this thing, this feeling didn’t allow him. It wasn’t the first time, now he knew what it was. Fear. He was just scared, not even himself knowing what of. But it held him in the place, imagining various scenarios in which he messes up. This rarely happened - he was a perfectionist, always making sure everything is on point, but now he felt this uncomfortable pretty often. It seemed to come from nowhere, just crawling around his mind at random times.
One of the camera directors realized that he was just standing there and waved at him, trying to encourage him to join the kids. He felt like he couldn’t move, something like tears prickling in his eyes. But he just blinked it away, smiled with his signature smile, as if someone else was taking over him. He walked up to the camera, giving it a daring gaze.
“Yeah, the kids should be working, practicing their dancing. I am perfect in it as you know, so I’m taking a rest” he laughed, jokingly acting overconfident. The camera director gave him a little smile then proceeded to turn to the kids to film them, their laughter ringing in Donghyuck ears way too loudly.
One time he started wondering if it was really fear. He was sitting on a weirdly uncomfortable couch when 127’s were giving an interview for this foreign media. Questions weren't exactly repetitive but they weren't innovative either. Even though, he mustered a pretty amused expression listening to his hyungs answers. For some reason he wasn’t in the mood to fight for the mic and center of the attention so he just nodded there and there, showing that he was listening. But then the interviewer smiled widely, saying that he wanted to everyone to answer to this one question. As he was sitting the closest to them, the interviewer focused on him.
“This question was chosen by your fans in our internet poll. They want to know which another unit member inspires you the most, which you admire a lot” they said, with a friendly expression. He nodded and tried to think of an answer, as others handed him the mic.
“Lately I have been really admiring Doyoung. I think he can be the most sensitive member - always knowing what to say”, he took a small break to form his next thought. “He has no problem with saying what is on his mind, politely but firm. That's a really important quality” he answered as sincerely as he could, getting appreciative sounds from the others and a pretty encouraging smile from the man in question. Without thinking he passed on the microphone and listened to what the others answers were.
He listened to how Doyoung preached Jungwoo, how Yuta was talking highly about Winwin, how Mark talked about his admiration of Doyoung too. It wasn't till everyone answered and the interview was coming to an end he realized with an uneasiness that he was the only one who wasn't mentioned. He tried thinking that it was fine, but he noticed that it was the same feeling he experienced in the studio when he was the only one not dancing. And because of that, he started wondering if the fear wasn't actually sadness.
It shouldn't be sadness, he condemned sitting on the sofa the same evening. His life was awesome, he shouldn’t have reasons to be sad. He had a giant group of close friends, he got to do what he loves, singing and performing, he had money to buy things he loves like CDs and vinyls. But there was this nagging feeling that something was wrong.
His train of thought was stopped by Taeil falling down on the couch next to him, wrapping his arm around Hyuck’s shoulders. The younger looked at him questioningly but the older just shrugged and gave him a tired smile. The others joined them, sitting around them with snacks, talking about their day and tomorrow, looking forward to the next day. He could feel his shoulder relaxing and instead of being on edge, he became all fuzzy and content. He leaned on Taeil, cuddling a little with him and couldn't help but feel thankful to the other member who was petting his hair lightly, just knowing what he needed. And he was reassured - it shouldn’t be sadness.
He was a really touchy person. So it was a shock for him when a few days later during a vlive Jaemin wrapped his arms around Donghyucks’ waist and he felt really uncomfortable. Just yesterday he was cuddling him when they were watching random youtube videos and it was great but now it was just wrong. Everything felt too warm and he just was confused.
It wasn’t Jaemin, because when Renjun patted his head he wanted to dodge and just step back. It was him, and he felt broken because he never felt bad with skinship. That was something new and once again he was filled with this sadness, fear, whatever it was. He wished for everything to stop at least for a moment and wanted to just curl up under a blanket on his bed.
The next day he was smiling at the camera at some variety show recording. Everything went smoothly, he was managing this chaos in his head, which was disappearing from his mind, being replaced with pride. He was nailing it, naturally gaining attention, throwing in some extremely suitable jokes. He was being himself, finally.
Then Mark started talking and cameras focused on him. Not even thinking about it he put his arm around his best friend’s waist. Brunet boy didn’t even stutter, he continued talking to the hosts, but Hyuck could just feel him tensing. He also put on his best smile, trying to cover another wave of anxiety.
Here he was normal again, he engaged the touch, he was feeling alright with it but then there was Mark who was slowly inching away from him. His head started spinning with confusion, fueled by the other boy who found a moment to discretely push Donghyuck’s hand off him. And it was normal, right? He often teased Mark on camera and he was often rejected. If anybody saw that, they won't be surprised by this, that's how the things always were. But something, that was already unstable seemed to fall in Hyucks’ heart and he just wanted to know what happened to his cheerfulness, that he faked perfectly just a few minutes ago.
He felt somewhat relieved when the shooting ended, but he still couldn't fully relax. It was still there, something telling him the worst things, saying that he was too loud and too much during the shoot and he wished to go back in time and just back off. He hated himself for everything he did. And, oh. He hated himself. The thought terrified him. He was the sunshine, the confident one. It was expected of him to joke and be somewhat extra and there he was, standing near the exit, waiting for others and thinking about hating himself. This sadness, fear - it was hatred and he didn’t know what he should do with this realization.
When they were going back to the dorm, older members, as if sensing something gave him some distance. Or they just didn't want to be near him. No, they wouldn't. They were too good for this and he mentally screamed at himself for thinking of something so awful about them. He tried to tune off totally, empty his mind but he still heard Chenle’s teasing joke about how he stole all the spotlight. He didn’t even react. He felt too empty for it.
He went straight to bed, not even trying to sleep. There were too many thoughts in his head and he couldn't erase them in any way. It felt frustrating, it was too much, he just wanted a break from all the feelings inside him. It made him weak, overpowered by his own mind, almost pathetic. He ached all over his body, tried curling up on the soft bed but nothing felt right. He panicked when he heard the door to his room opening. He prayed for this someone to go away, suddenly terrified, tears filling up his eyes for no reason.
When he felt the mattress dipping down next to him he forced himself to wipe the tears away and sit up and it physically hurt. He was not ready to talk to anyone but here he was, staring at Mark, who wasn’t even looking on him, sitting on the other end of Hyuck’s bed. Donghyuck gulped nervously, waiting for his friend to say something, only to meet more silence. Brunet only shifted on his bed, sitting closer to the suddenly small boy and hugging him. Apparently, it was uncomfortable because he moved to place one of his leg on the other side of Hyuck's hips, basically cuddling him.
“You danced really well today. I was proud of you” he said simply and Donghyuck was shaking. At the same time, he believed and wanted to laugh at his words. So he just stayed quiet, slowly putting his head on Marks’ chest, waiting to be pushed away. Nothing like that happened, actually, the older boy put his chin on the top of the younger’s head.
“You are such a natural at this, I always envied your charisma” he continued, softly, swaying a little on the sides. It was so comforting, it made Hyuck all teary once again, still unsure if the tears were bitter or full of relief. Mark proceeded to tell him about the snacks the other were preparing and then suddenly he is mentioning that he paid a visit to the psychologist hired by the company. His voice is surprisingly calm when he talks about how he was super anxious for the past few weeks. He welcomes his friend's silence, he turns it into something comfortable.
Mark makes his best friend feel loved, he assured him that people care about petite blond. Donghyuck is not even surprised when he hears quiet “I love you” from his best friend. He still wasn't ready to admit that Mark was something more to him. But he still replied with “I love you too”, lacing their fingers together.
“So, can you maybe go with me to this psychologist?” he asked, even if he already knew what the answer is gonna be.
So, maybe it was fear, sadness, hatred. But he was strong enough to replace it with love. And he got so many people and one special person to help him. It was gonna be alright.