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You stood in front of the mirror and pinched your waist and watched as the fat rolls gathered in your hand. There was nothing more disgusting to you than the fact that you had allowed yourself to become this way. That you allowed yourself to dare you say it “become fat”.
you pulled up your sweats to hide your tummy and your rolls and pulled down your oversized shirt on top of it. You glanced at yourself in the mirror once more before you turned to leave and get dinner started for when soo got home. But when you turned around he was standing there, leaning against the door frame, as sexy as always and you smiled.
He smiled back, but somehow his smile didn’t reach his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” you asked him
He looked down at his feet and then back up at you.
“I could ask you the same thing!” he stated
you drew back and frowned. There was nothing bothering you? you raised an eyebrow and looked at him questioningly.
“There’s nothing wrong with me?” you said confused as to why he would automatically ask you that first thing.
Kyungsoo sighed and crossed the room to point at your reflection in the mirror. You turned to look and noticed how handsome he was… and how small he was next to you. Your smile faltered slightly, but Kyungsoo noticed everything.
He hated that you couldn’t see yourself the way that he saw you. To him it didn’t matter that you had gained five or fifty pounds… he was in love with your bright smile. He loved your voice and how much you cared for other people’s wellbeing. You were home to Kyungsoo and his love for you was completely and totally unconditional.
But seeing you look at yourself with disgust and hatred made him feel like a total failure. How in the world could someone with so much love, harbor that kind of negativity for themselves? he asked himself.
Had he not shown you that you were worth much more than you even knew? Had he not proven to you just how special and how much of a blessing you were?
“Then why are you standing there and looking at yourself like that?” he asked you with the most serious tone you had ever heard
It shocked you to hear Kyungsoo say that he caught you looking at your flaws. Your eyes widened and you took a step back from him. Why was he so angry about it? Was he disgusted too? Was he angry that you were playing with your ugly stomach fat?
“I… I’m sorry, I know that I’ve gained a little weight lately. I’ve just been-” you tried to explain but Kyungsoo quickly cut you off.
“What exactly are you trying to do right now?” he asked you getting angrier by the second.
you didn’t know what to say and your mouth was held open like a fish. Your heart was starting to beat wildly in your chest as every horrible possible scenario ran through your head. Was this is? Is he about to break up with you? Kyungsoo took as step forward making the two of you stand face to face merely a few inches apart from each other.
“How do you think it feels to come home and see you standing there, so… so horrified with yourself?” he asked you
“Soo, I’m sorry. It’s just hard to get back on my diet after the holidays!” you said sniffling, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill over at any second.
It was so embarrassing and shameful to get caught like that.
“Why are you apologizing?” he asked you “Do you think that you’re fat? Do you think that you aren’t attractive anymore?” he asked
His words pierced you and you could tell that he recognized your struggle with your self-image. The tears that you were desperately holding back broke over and rolled down your cheeks and onto the floor. You silently let them fall to the ground as you tried to hold back the inner voice in your head that wanted to break you down and make you weak. It wanted you to hate yourself even more for this very moment. You wanted to scream and hide.
“Seeing you so unhappy with your looks makes me so upset!” he continued
He cupped your cheeks and wiped away your stray tears before leaning in and kissing your lips softly. His gentleness only made you cry harder and feel the pain even more. At this point your disappointed wasn’t only affecting you but also Soo and you had no idea that he was taking it so hard.
“Don’t you know that you are the most beautiful woman that I have ever met?” he asked you and kissed you gently again “Don’t you know that I don’t care what your weight is?” he kissed you again “Don’t you know how much I love you?” he kissed you once more before he silently shed his own tear
You tsk’d his tear that rolled down and quickly wiped it away. Kyungsoo caught your hand before you pulled away from him and forced your arms around him to bring you in for a hug. You could feel his heavy breathing and tell just how worked up he was over the whole thing. If only he knew how much it hurt you to pretend like it didn’t hurt as bad as it did.
You wished that you could turn back time and make yourself move away from the mirror sooner. This isn’t the conversation that you wanted to happen right now. And you definitely didn’t want to see Soo so broken and defeated over it.
“I don’t want you to diet!” he confessed “I want you to be happy and healthy and I want to feed you good delicious food!”
You smiled at his statement and you began to imagine all of the food that kyungsoo will likely cook after this conversation. Imagining it now the pain didn’t hurt as much and you felt better knowing that Kyungsoo was hurt by your disappointment in yourself and not by your weight gain. It didn’t completely heal your wound, in fact you weren’t sure that you would ever be confident in your body, but Soo’s adoration for you made you realize that you were so much more than just a size to him.
“Soo, I can’t not diet!” you exclaimed “that’s unreasonable”
Kyungsoo nuzzled into your neck and squeezed you tighter to his body. You sighed and rubbed his back gently. How could you two ever move on from this conversation after this. You felt like now that he knew about your insecurity about your weight he would be watching you closely.
“but I think that you are the most beautiful when you eat the food that I cook you.” he stated.
He pulled away from you and he wiped away at a few more loose tears.
“And when I hear your little moans of satisfaction when it tastes good…” he kissed you again
You closed your eyes and tried to pay no mind to the desire that was laced in Kyungsoo’s voice. Having sex right now when you were this vulnerable and upset about your body was not the right time.
Kyungsoo looked down at his watch and you could see him do mental math in his head and you tilted your own. In the silence of the moment you could hear your stomach flipping and growling. You looked down at it and silently willed for it to shut up. Now was the upmost worst time for it to do that.
You peeked up at Kyungsoo and his eyes were wide on you. He looked absolutely horrified at you and he was about to speak when the door was loudly being knocked on, saving you from the scolding of a lifetime. Kyungsoo shut his open mouth and looked over his shoulder.
He turned back to you and pointed harshly before he walked away from you and went to answer the door.
You let out a heavy breath as soon as he was safely out of the room and walked away from his line of view from the living room. You walked to the bathroom and washed your face and pulled your hair up into a bun.
“How did this become so fucked up?” you silently asked your reflection
You dropped your head and silently prayed to the gods that Kyungsoo would come back in the room having completely forgotten about the last five minutes.
“Y/n!” kyungsoo called from the living room
You sighed and followed the irritated voice.
What sat there in the kitchen was the last thing that you expected. Food and lots of it.
“What is this?” you asked him with wide eyes
Kyungsoo just gave you a look of irritation “Its food. And you’re gonna eat all of it.”
You were about to speak up and protest when he put his hand up and silenced you
“It’s obvious now that you haven’t eaten today and honestly it makes me fucking sick.” He groaned out clearly on the verge of tears again
He was unpacking all of the take out and you could see that he had ordered all of your favorite foods. You gasped in shock at the amounts that he bought and you looked up at his face as he opened each up with complete focus. Did he really expect you to eat all of this?
He went into the kitchen and pulled out a few pairs of chopsticks for the two of you and sat back down on the couch across from you. He slammed them down hard on the coffee table and you jumped.
“Do you know what my dream is?” he asked you harshly and on the verge of tears again
You silently shook your head no and kyungsoo peeked up at you before he continued
“it’s you…. it’s always been you.” he started to weep
You rushed over to his side and immediately hugged him and tried to wipe away his tears
“I’ve always known from the very moment that I met you that you were going to impact my life in some outstanding way. But now I know that you are the one.” He sobbed “My entire life revolves around you now and nothing makes me more excited than thinking that the two of us will grow old and fat and happy together!”
Seeing him cry made you weep with him and your palms began to shake as you held is face close to yours
“I think that you look so goddamn sexy right now! And it makes me so mad to think that you would starve yourself because you think that somehow you aren’t a fucking goddess!” He pushed your hand away and grabbed you by your waist making you squirm and panic “this means absolutely nothing to me!” he softly released you and let his hands drift up over your chest and rest on your shoulders. “But seeing you with a few extra pounds makes you look so full and confident…. Makes me realize that I take damn good care of my woman!”
You smiled through your tears at hearing Kyungsoo say that about you and he smiled back. He gently kissed you and you kissed him back. Now he was laughing and smiling with each kiss, which made your heart soar.
“Soo… I didn’t know” you said softly
He nodded his head and licked his lips while he eyed you. “Come on, lets eat.” He said
You nodded your head and picked up your chop sticks with a small smile. You had no idea that Kyungsoo pictured you as being so sexy now that you were a little heavier and it made you feel powerful.
The voice in your head seemed weaker and a little less important than what she used to be…
“And as soon as you finish I want you on that bed… naked, so I can worship and admire every inch of your flesh like it should be” he demanded as he ate his noodles like he had just said the most normal thing to you
You gasped at Kyungsoo’s sudden change in attitude and smiled at what was to come.
That little voice in your head?… Yeah she could go fuck herself!