Chapter Text
Chapter 1
Xinchun leaned back on his chair and sighed. Nex7 had just finished their fanmeeting in Beijing, and he was exhausted. However, he couldn’t sleep. Before he could plug in his earbuds and escape from the reality, he heard Zhengting call, “Xinchun! Come downstairs! I made zha jiang mian!”
Xinchun froze. Uh oh. I had to pretend to eat again. He was about to decline, but that would just make Zhengting worry more. Might as well go and eat something throw it back up later. It’ll be nice to resend that he was normal.
Xinchun wearily trudged downstairs and slid silently into his seat at the end of the table in the kitchen. Everyone else was already there, and they were all laughing. He saw Justin and Chengcheng literally laying on each other, and had to quickly look away to ease the pain in his heart. How he wished someone would love him like this.
A soft voice snapped him out of his thoughts.
“Zhengting can you give me less? I can’t eat this much.”
It was Bi Wenjun, Xinchun’s crush ever since he stepped foot in Yuehua entertainment.
Xinchun glanced at the bowl in front of him, filled to the brim, and felt disgusted at himself. Here was Bi Wenjun, literally perfection in human form, able to be skinny and have a tiny stomach. And here was Huang Xinchun, fatass ugly boy who isn’t even needed.
He could feel tears welling up, and had to blink them. He didn’t need to be fat, ugly, and a crybaby.
He saw Wenjun smile softly at Zhengting and wrap an arm around waist. He could feel the tears coming out.
He heard Quanzhe say, “Omigosh ge, stop acting like an old married couple.” Wenjun and Zhengting immediately broke apart, both blushing. Xinchun smiled sadly to himself. If Wenjun is happy, then so am I, he repeated to himself, almost like a mantra.
Zhengting moved away from the stove and sat down with a thump. Everyone had already started eating. Xinchun glanced forward and saw Wenjun chatting with Zeren about dance practice, Zhengting pinching Quanzhe’s cheeks again, and Justin and Chengcheng mock-fighting with their chopsticks. No one talked to him. Probably because I’m so boring, he thought bitterly to himself.
He glanced at the half-eaten bowl of noodles in front of him, and felt it rise back up again. He hurriedly excused himself, and ran away, missing the look of concern sent his way by Wenjun.
Xinchun collapsed in his dorm bathroom after throwing up the tiny portion of noodles he managed to choke down. He closed his eyes, panting. He leaned against the sink, feeling tears pouring down his face.
Xinchun didn’t want to throw up his food anymore. He used to love eating and sharing food with his friends, but that was before debuting. Now, he had to watch his body to maintain the perfect idol image. He wasn’t like Zhengting, who kept a perfect eight-pack ever since he was 12, or Wenjun, who was so skinny but still tall. He didn’t have dancing talent like Zeren, rapping skills like Justin or Chengcheng. All he could do was sing, and his vocals dim in the light of someone like Quanzhe or Wenjun. He didn’t understand how he even debuted. The only thing he could do now is to become as skinny as possible. And if that means starving himself slowly to death, then so be it.