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Dear Soulmate,
If you’re reading this, I’m probably dead. In probably a year from now (I’m graduating in a year), I’m going to be dead.
No, I’m dead. If you’re reading this, I’m most certainly dead. Sorry to spoil the ending for you, but it’s better for you to know this going into my letters. I don’t want you to anticipate meeting me and realize I’m dead. If you get these when you turn eighteen, don’t come looking for me. I don’t want you to spend time with me for a few days and watch me die. I don’t want anyone else to watch me die.
My name is Do Kyungsoo, I’m 17, I live in Ulsan and I have Hodgkin’s lymphoma. More specifically, I have stage three, category four Nodular sclerosis Hodgkin’s lymphoma (Stage III, Category IV NSHL; you don’t want to know how many people confused it for the NHL). I’ll let you look it up on your own, there’s so much jargon to define and talk about, it would take a thousand letters to explain it all. There’s B cells,
They think I got it from my rheumatoid arthritis (RA). It’s an uncommon autoimmune disease. I had it diagnosed when I was 11, after I would cry and cry after trying to move my knees and they wouldn’t move. I took a lot of meds for it (so many, I can’t even describe how many) and the doctor put me in physiotherapy. Usually, non-Hodgkin’s is more common if you have RA, but got Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
After, I got really, really sick. And I mean, REALLY sick. I was throwing up for days and I couldn’t keep anything down. My mom thought I had the flu, but it was much, much, much worse than that. Apparently, your lymph nodes aren’t supposed to be the size of golf balls. Tell someone if your lymph nodes are swollen like a golf ball for two weeks on end. Maybe you’ll be like me, but you wouldn’t want to. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemies.
I had a lot of blood tests done this time last year and they took a bone marrow sample when the blood tests were showing abnormalities. They had to put a needle into my hip to get the marrow. I was in the hospital for a week after that. We got a call after a little while, saying there was a big abnormality in my marrow (meaning they could see the cancerous cells). Then they started talking treatments. This was about May last year.
Thanks to my cancer and RA, I can’t walk anymore. If I want to move, I have to be carried or put into a wheelchair. It feels like my joints are being pulled off and snapped in half. It is the worst feeling ever. See, I’m not even writing these, if you notice some of the handwriting changes. I’m having my friends Chanyeol and Sehun write these. I would have preferred Junmyeon to write them (he has the prettiest writing) but he’s off in university. I can write for a little bit, but my fingers start to tense up and it hurts like hell.
Not being able to write my own letters is agony. I don’t like that my friends will find out some of this stuff about me. It’s even worse than having to shave my hair off. I have no hair now, but Chanyeol says I don’t look bad in it. They (Chanyeol and Sehun and Junmyeon, when he was visiting in the summer) joked that they’d buy me a wig for my birthday, in January. It’s currently September, and I’m actually expecting them to buy me a wig. They’ve always stuck to their word. They’ve snuck me in chocolate and candy since I’ve been hospitalized. I’m so grateful for my friends. We’re as thick as thieves.
Chanyeol’s hand is starting to hurt, so I’m going to stop the letter now.
Sorry for ruining your happy images of us being together. I’ll write as updates about my treatment. Like I said before, I’m probably dead if you’re reading this.
-Do Kyungsoo, 17