Work Text:
When I was a child they tried to fool me
Said the worldly man was lost and that the hell was real
Well, I've seen hell in Reno
And this world's one big ol' Catherine wheel
Spinnin' still
Maybe it's time to let the old ways die
Maybe it's time to let the old ways die
It takes a lot to change your plans
Hella drain to change your mind
Maybe it's time to let the old ways die
Maybe Its Time - Bradley Cooper
"New Year: New You"
Dr Sydney Katz loathes all the cliches surrounding the changing of the calendar year. The words severely underplay the complexities of the human experience and are often a contributing reason to psychiatric admissions spiking at that time of year. There can be immense pressure when you are unable to become an imagined better version of yourself and face another year of the same.
Sydney has set in motion the significant change in her life, and theoretically, she should be grateful for her cousin's support. She is, Jerry doesn't bat an eyelid when she comes out to him and offers to fly to Toronto. His acceptance comes with cliched memes and sayings about self-love.
" Consider this New Year an opportunity, Syd - go out and have some fun with your new friends and forget about the Katz ancestry for a while. If I were there, I'd drag you there myself" Jerry texts when she confesses to knowing particular plans to mark the holiday.
Sydney doesn't even bother to look at the links for the dating site that her well-meaning cousin sends. If she can't make a relationship work with Layla a talented resistant and confident lesbian, there is no way casual hookups will end well. Frankly, the idea makes her vaguely sick; it's too much like she is selecting woman at random and trusting an algorithm to gauge compatibility. A more scientific method than falling instantly for her stubborn and beautiful student but the feelings will pale in comparison.
***
There isn't a language for approaching Maggie Lin anymore.
All the vocabulary that once binds them together is no longer available. Syd is no longer her teacher nor is she a right physician at Hope Zion, privy to private jokes and social gatherings. In some ways, Syd feels infinitely stronger, ready to embrace a new identity. At the same time, she feels rudderless without anyone to confide in, everybody in this hospital is firmly on 'Team Maggie' and wants her to succeed without hearing about an experiential crisis.
"Ready for the vagaries of a shift leading up to New Year's Katz?"
Sydney looks up into the smiling face of Charlie Harris as he joins her in the staff room rolling out his shoulders, one of the tell-tale signs of a long surgery. He remains full of energy and enthusiasm as he sits down beside her and begins to unwrap his sandwich. The interns who are quietly revising in the corner keep shotting them furtive glances. The man is a legend around here for both supernatural and mundane reasons that Sydney only half understands.
"One is never ready for patient chaos Dr Harris you merely prepare. My sole aspiration is for healthy babies, and no film crew is looking for the first baby of the year, of course statistically, somebody has to be born at midnight exactly, yet every year its somehow newsworthy." Sydney rants gesturing with her fork.
"Don't you have Quods on the L&D floor as well? Better brush up on your press releases."
"Not if I can round up a willing research fellow with stars in their eyes who wants to be the next Dr Oz or something. At least my patients are usually sensible enough no to try and challenge gravity or take selfies from ridiculous angles. I don't envy Ortho your case.load between now and January 5th" Sydney comments smiling as he brings up a photo of Luke at preschool to show her.
***
"What's the plan, Katz?
Sydney turns to face Alex Reid feeling defensive at the glare of the other doctor and Maggie's best friend. The expression on the taller woman's face is painful to read at the best of times, her impression of Sydney is far from favourable going back to when they first met.
"I...." Sydney feels uncharacteristically speechless
"For your sister and her treatment? I felt terrible that things go so precarious before Maggie performs her heroics. A few colleagues are trying a new protocol for nausea if she is interested? Those lower chemo doses are still brutal. " Alex explains as she falls into line as Sydney moves towards the elevators."
"Depending on the position of Mercury, my sister may or may not be speaking to me - I'll pass it on," Sydney comments drily.
"Speaking as the president of dysfunctional families club, I can understand how rough inconsistency can be no matter the circumstances or how old you are at the time. Parental disappointment sucks, don't give up. There aren't any Hallmark-worthy reunions in real life, but peace comes in many forms. Martha can attest to that reality even from her deathbed."
Sydney blinks at Alex in surprise thrown by the friendly tone of the conversation.
"What? I'm Maggie's best friend, not a Macavailian schemer; not every conversation is a test, Katz. Figured you were going to bury yourself in a double shift without the benefit of junk food and social plans to lessen the load. Nice touch with written letters, by the way, Maggie isn't as immune to them as it may appear. Take heart Syd; she's just gun shy and unaccustomed to being the centre of a grand romantic courtship effort. It doesn't mean your efforts aren't welcome just confusing to a child of divorce with unreliable ex-lovers."
"Thank you...?" Sydney replies uncertainly.
***
"What are you doing for New Year's Dr Katz?"
Sydney debates how to answer the question. For the first time in long while she has to consider a secular calendar and not the Orthodox Jewish one. Her family's rejection is still too raw to consider joining a more liberal synagogue. Unfortunately, she doesn't have teaching privileges at this hospital and no consulting work to keep her occupied during the traditionally social occasion.
"Work as many hours as Dawn will let me before editing journal articles tomorrow" Sydney offers tiredly as she continues scrawling on the discharge notes at the nurse's station.
"I tried a similar tactic - it won't be successful Dr Bell is strict about such things," Shahir advises as he starts to attack his pile.
"Wonderful - maybe I can hide in an on-call room and audit notes - she can't stop that can she?" Sydney grouses stabbing the report angrily.
"If you are free - the local hospitals LGBT social club has a party later tonight if you would like to join us. Its nothing formal or intimidating - we share a meal and exchange war stories." Shahir doesn't look at her as comments.
Sydney pauses in her writing few people have talked about her sexuality so directly. However, the neurosurgeon is the last person to gossip or pass on confidences. Syd feels surprisingly delighted by the easy acceptance.
"Text me the address."
***
The party is surprisingly enjoyable.
Sydney feels irrationally relieved that nobody questions her about her story or history. Of course, just because this is an LGBT social group doesn't mean that every conversation is devoted to the topic. Mostly she listens to people talk about their work and plans for the holiday, not unlike countless social gatherings. The only difference is seeing same-sex couples talking in pairs or groups some holding hands or dancing in corners. The converted hall is tastefully decorated, and the selection of finger food is almost kosher - her feelings that particular topic is ambivalent at the moment.
The few people who recognise her merely smile in greeting before returning their conversations.
"Are you having a good time?" Shahir asks anxiously as they share a drink
"Yes, I am thank you for the invitation - its an ideal distraction."
"Would you like me to offer introductions?
"Please"
The next few hours and surprisingly relaxing and she even ends up joking with a technician from Hope Zion who she only knows in passing. She officially signs up for the club on the stop- willing to feel this enjoyment again.
She ends up crying on the shoulder of a lovely Radiologist from Mercy who made the mistake of observing that she looks sad and in need of a listening ear. Surprisingly such pure compassion results in far more than a casual brush off or witty remark about wine. Somehow this seven-foot giant with dreads and tattoos ends up hearing her whole sorry tale as she goes through a roll of toilet paper. They look faintly ridiculous hulking down on the guest bathroom, which is barely big enough for one person.
The problem is she is having a wonderful time but she wants to share it with Maggie, and she is barely talking to her. Is there a chance they will share moments? There are only so many pathetic texts that one person can send before things get tragic.
"Wow, that's some heavy shit. I'd offer you a joint for relaxation but I don't that is an option for you, huh?" Benji offers a handkerchief instead of a sympathetic smile.
"Why can't my family see that I'm still the same person, heck don't have enough cred for most lesbian clubs. I blew up my old life and are making a hatchet job of this new one." Sydney whispers softly
"Still in the dramatic phase of self-acceptance, huh? Give your self some breathing room - coming out at any age is challenging let alone with family pressure and obligation. If you ever need a friendly ear look me up on Facebook or text. We can find somewhere more comfortable than shiny bathroom titles." Benji groans as he tries to ease out his leg.
"I've ruined your party - please feel free to get back to things. I promise I'll be presentable in a few minutes."
"Not at all, Red - I will grab us some food though than we can talk about reapplying your makeup.
***
Maggie finds her just before midnight and Sydney resists the urge to hid behind Benji's impressive bulk, seeing her former lover in this party atmosphere is disconcerting. She suspects her makeup doesn't entirely protect the tear stains from those sharp, observant. There is a faint hope that Maggie, the confident bisexual is a guest in her own right until the taller doctor heads straight for her corner.
"Are you ok, Red?"
A few hours of confessional earnest her a nickname, even if it isn't original the protective note in his tone is. She may not be entirely comfortable with this new life, but she welcomes the casual acceptance. Syd resolves to come to the karaoke bar Benji runs with his partner even if she hasn't sung anything beyond Yiddish and Hebrew for years.
"I'll be fine - just because Maggie is avoiding me - doesn't mean I need to act smilarly, right?" Sydney replies with more bluster than bravery.
"People who are uninvested or uninterested don't track ex-lovers down on New Year's even dressed in a threadbare hoody and scrub pants" Benji comments giving Maggie a little shove of engagement until they meet somewhere in the middle.
"What are you doing here, Maggie?"
"I need you for a consult. Shakar mentioned he was bringing you along tonight - sorry to interrupt the party. It shouldn't take long."
"A bold claim given our profession, Dr Lin. We may have different styles, but Paul is on the roster tonight. Whatever you need he'll handle" Sydney begins.
"It's not that kind of consult. Our patients aren't even human."
"What..."
Dr Maggie Lin is irresistible at the best of times, but there is something tender in her gaze and the way she reaches to brush a stray strand behind Syd's ear. Sydney wishes she paid more attention to her wardrobe and makeup. She feels exposed by the secular clothes that still don't feel entirely comfortable after more than a year.
"I'll explain on the way."
***
There are kittens in the closet.
Maggie is vague with details on the way to her apartment trusting her former teacher to follow. Sydney knew vaguely that Maggie has a passion for animals and fostering but never expects to assist with saving such tiny and wretched creatures. Maybe she needs to lecture about keeping professional boundaries and taking time off, no making how hypercritical such words would be. She may not know what they are to each other, but it is no more extended teacher and student. The trust in the taller doctor's experience is touching but daunting.
"Well, the Great Rando did see cats in my future, though he was suitably vague on the specifics" Maggie laughs ushering Syd over to meet her newest addition.
"Tell me you are giving up medicine on the word of an admittedly charming psychic I will team up with Alex and Jackson for weeks to make you see sense" Sydney threatens jokingly not wanting to bring up the strange man's other observations or wanting to too much.
"Side hassle of the tender-hearted I promise - now can you please how me safe these little guys.
"You don't get enough medicine in your day job, Dr Lin?
Surprisingly it doesn't take long to adjust to the size and dimensions of their impromptu patients. The scale and anatomy are different, but the principles of medical intervention are similar, at least enough to give them a fighting chance. The three kittens are only a few weeks old and were struggling to gain the necessary reflexes necessary for their survival. Maggie set with essential veterinarian supplies, from tiny feeding teets to ng tubes, from the looks of the space in her spare bedroom her former student is an experienced fosterer.
"After my accident, Gavin's cat become a real comfort to me even if he was ambivalent about my existence. Volunteering at the local shelter let me pass the time without feeling completely useless, especially with the Christmas rush for rescues. I don't have much time anymore, but they still call me with the tricky cases. Two hourly feed cycles aren't much of a challenge after shadowing you for a shift, Dr Katz" Maggie jokes before moving to check the temperature of the formula.
"What can I do, Saviour of Creatures Great and Small?" Sydney asks with gentle mockery in her tone."
"Bring all your years of training to work on the little grey, he isn't even trying to suckle, and I'll need help to tube him. The emergency vet is too busy with terrified pets and firework emergencies to accommodate newborn strays" Maggie explains suggesting that this isn't the first litter to enter her care.
"Right young man. You are not going to wound my surgeon's ego by succumbing tonight. If Maggie thinks you are worth saving, there must be the Lin spark in there somewhere."
The kitten is dauntingly small and fragile, weighing far less than even her tiniest patients but he is mewling softly and struggling to beneath the soft blankets. Tubing is a last resort given how easy it inflames the oesophagus or miss it entirely. Animal instincts are useful in that regard, able to overcome dire circumstances. It takes several tries and careful placement, but Syd can feel drops of milk progressing through his system and staying down so far. Maggie is busy tending to his stronger siblings, deftly feeding them both between writing down notations. Even in this vaguely ridiculous scenario, Dr Lin takes her role seriously.
***
"I know I'm not fair on you at the moment."
Sydney looks up in mild surprise. The evening has fallen into a relatively peaceful rhythm of stabilising the kittens and treading lightly on the few safe topics open to them. Maggie seems happy to catch her up on the latest gossip and ask in general terms about her sister. It is only a little painful to admit that she doesn't know, still on the outs with her family for defying conventions.
For all the difficulties between them, the misunderstandings, accusations and poor timing they never lack a professional rhythm. The patients are different, but the feeling is the same- that indefinably mix of compatibility and comprehension.
"I haven't been fair on you since the first day we met, either personally or professionally. I'm an impatient control freak, but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to process." Syd responses with a self-deprecating shrug.
"Still avoiding you like a school girl with a crush and then dragging you into the rescue of orphan kittens isn't my best strategy. The party was getting into full swing." Maggie keeps her attention focused on the smallest kitten who may need tube feeding.
"Truthfully I was more a sullen wallflower than a social butterfly. If it weren't for Benji, I would still be talking about milk composition and ARD in micro preemies. Its progress of a sort I wouldn't be winning any awards for my queer interpersonal skills any time soon."
"Syd I'm..."
"You aren't the only reason my life is in shambles Maggie. If I had married Hershel, it would be our second anniversary - which in my family's view means mourning the loss of a hypothetical grandchild as well as fretting for the grandson already in jeopardy. If I had any sense, I would be processing too and not hounding you in the hallways creating gossip for Jackson and co. I'm pretty sure there is a betting pool for unknown stakes."
"Your family is blaming you for not sticking to a timetable and depriving them of a 2017 offspring?" Maggie asks incredulously trying to keep her voice soft to avoid waking the kittens in her lap.
"They are feeling the loss of the ideal daughter all over again - now that I dare to be in the country without a husband or proof of family aspirations. Becca is angry because of it too a tumour to bridge the gap between us."
"It's still unfair. There is nothing wrong with who you were then or who you are now" Maggie insists reaching an empty hand to almost brushing the other's doctor's fingers.
'Such unwavering faith is why I stalked your cancer study with Alex Reid, left Israel and braved Dawn's administrative wrath. Nobody has such unwavering faith in my identity."
Maggie reworks her precious cargo so that she can hold Sydney's hand offering a brilliant smile.