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“Ah, it’s a great day!” Jongin’s so excited, makes Junmyeon smile. He looks around, and it’s been some time since they’ve been all together.
His eyes inevitably land on Sehun.
The youngest of them, who’s teasing Chanyeol and laughing. He looks so good under the sun, handsome and strong, distractedly looks at Junmyeon and smiles.
Junmyeon starts coughing then, strongly, enough for Minseok to pat his back and ask if he’s okay. Junmyeon nods, smiling, clutching the petal that’s fallen from his mouth.
It’s soft, and yellow.
*
They’re rehearsing, dancing, they’ve been dancing for hours. The room is hot, this is the last run before going home. Junmyeon is tired, but he pulls through, smiling at everyone after the choreographer tells them they’re free to leave.
The leader takes the bottle of water that Jongdae is offering with a grateful smile, tries to breathe more slowly and get his heartbeat to slow down as well. They don’t speak, everyone is too tired to use energy in something other than drinking or stretching.
Kyungsoo is against a mirror, Sehun is next to him, shirtless.
Junmyeon didn’t notice that before, too busy looking at himself in the mirror, trying to follow Jongin’s movements. Sehun’s chest glistens with sweat, he’s panting against the mirror, eyes closed.
Junmyeon’s throat closes and he starts to cough again. He drinks more water after, two petals on his hand, he hides them on his pocket.
*
By the third month, Junmyeon’s voice is sounding bad.
“You’re coughing constantly, Junmyeon, we’re worried.” his manager says. He knows they’re worried. He can’t reach his notes, can’t sing well, his value as a singer is plummeting to the ground.
“I’ll go to the hospital to get checked out.” he smiles, trying to sound and look convincing. He can’t breathe, his throat tickles, because now he doesn’t need to see Sehun to cough up petals. His pockets have many, which he diligently throws outside every single day.
“Okay, please do it.”
Minseok goes with him, stays outside while Junmyeon talks to the doctor.
“Hanahaki is very serious, Mr. Kim. I want to do some x-rays. We need to assess the situation inside.”
“Okay, but it needs to stay between us only. My agency can’t find out yet. I’ll tell them myself.”
Next day, the x-rays are done and the doctor’s face is severe.
“Is no good. All this dark spots are flowers. We need to operate.”
Junmyeon doesn’t want that. He knows that pulling the flowers out surgically means taking the love he feels away from him.
Nobody knows how or why it happened, but Hanahaki disease is as old as humans themselves. Is not uncommon, but not exactly common neither. To have it, your unrequited love needs to be so intense that your body can’t continue without the other person loving you back. In that weird, poetic way, Hanahaki is an undeniable confession and show of love, real and unconditional.
When medicine advanced, doctors discovered that they could pull out the flowers. With the flowers, the love died, and the person who had Hanahaki could never love that same person again. They couldn’t feel anything for that person. It vanished.
Junmyeon doesn’t want to stop loving Sehun.
But he doesn’t want to die neither.
“How long?”
“They don’t seem to have thorns...from what I can see. I’ll asses things better, with another type of scan. So, if there’s no thorns, around seven, eight months. However, you’re a singer. If you don’t want irreparable damage in your vocal chords, the most I can advise is six months.”
“Okay, thank you. When should I schedule the scan?”
*
At month five, he starts to get worried.
Minseok is constantly by his side, sees the petals and bites his lip while he helps Junmyeon drink water and eat soft foods.
He lost weight, feels weaker, more tired. Still, he smiles brightly at his members and tries to keep up with the schedules.
“It cannot go on, Junmyeon.” Minseok says, behind the door of the bathroom stall, after Junmyeon puked because the coughing fit came while he was eating and the combination made him throw up.
“I’ll be fine soon-”
“It’s been months. If he doesn’t love you by now, he won’t. Get it out.”
“I promise I will get the operation soon, just a couple more shows.” Minseok sighs.
“Sehun’s not worth the pain, Junmyeon. I’ll call your doctor, we’re getting a date for the surgery.”
Junmyeon starts to cry, doesn’t let Minseok wipe his tears for him.
*
He tried very hard, but it was bound to happen. He lives with Jongin after all, and where there’s Jongin, there’s Kyungsoo. They find out, demanding him to get the surgery as soon as possible.
“It’s stupid! Just get the flower removed!” Jongin screams. He’s almost crying, upset. Kyungsoo is frowning, he takes Junmyeon’s hand.
“I’m sure you think they’ll worth all of this sacrifice. But...you could die from this. Please, get it removed.” he says, in a serious, worried tone.
“I will. I will set the date this week, I promise.”
After they find out, everyone else does. He receives the same reactions. Worry, sadness, nervousness. Baekhyun corners him and asks him who is it. He’s the only one who asks.
“It’s one of us, right? You don’t want it removed because it’ll be obvious who was it. You want to love him always.”
“Baek…”
“I’m pretty sure its not me. Or Chanyeol. And apart from Chanyeol, nobody else is good enough for this. You can’t die for one of us. That’s just dumb.” Junmyeon nods, but he cries on his pillow.
Minseok comes to him, hugging him from behind, and Junmyeon promises that he will get the date that week.
*
Sehun can’t know its him.
Junmyeon doesn’t understand why the youngest member avoids him so much. Junmyeon coughs more flowers. He found out what he coughs are jonquils, one of the meanings of the flower is ‘desire for affection returned’. Very fitting.
“Junmyeon.”
“Yes?”
“Who is it?” Sehun asks. He sits on the table of their apartment. Junmyeon worked so hard for him not to see the petals, not to hear him cough, but living together it was impossible, Sehun clutches a handful of yellow petals in his hand, when he sits, he drops them on the table.
“It doesn’t matter.” Sehun takes his hand in a firm grip.
“It matters to me. Do I know them? Is it one of us?” he asks again. Junmyeon sighs, smiling, feeling flowers come up to his mouth.
His hand fills with them, yellow petals that drip between his fingers, falling on the floor, on the table as well. Sehun takes one in his hand.
“Is good that...these are not roses. What are they?”
“Jonquils…” he answers, drinking more water, choking a bit.
“Remove it. Please. I don’t want to see you like this.” his voice is soft, filled with concern and care. It hurts Junmyeon so much, his gentle love, for his older brother. He starts coughing again, and coughs, and keeps coughing up flowers, some whole, some in pieces, Sehun stands up behind him, eventually starts to rub his back, his eyes frantic because it doesn’t stop.
One flower falls, tinted red.
“Please.” Sehun’s voice, taken by tears, Junmyeon’s world crumbles.
“It’s in three days, Sehun. Don’t worry.” he turns to him, hugging him so close, as tight as he can, Sehun lets him. Junmyeon wishes it could be different, and he could gift Sehun lovely flowers, to show him his love. Flowers grown outside of his body, flowers that are not killing him.
*
It’s the day. Junmyeon will get the flowers removed. He sits on the waiting room, playing with his fingers. Minseok and Kyungsoo are the ones who decided to accompany him. He’s grateful for it.
“Why do you need to get here so early. It’s four hours until its your time.”
“They monitor the coughing, in case of an emergency.”
For the last couple of days, Junmyeon’s flowers leave his body almost complete, small pretty flowers with some blood on them. Its alarming.
“I’m fine, just tired. Couldn’t sleep well.”
“Well, you puked three times and the rest of the time you were spitting flowers so-”
“Please, Minseok. It’s just a few more hours.”
“Did you tell him?” Kyungsoo asks.
“Tell what? To whom?”
“Tell Sehun you’re in love with him. That it’s him.”
Minseok gasps. Junmyeon blanches.
“I thought it was pretty obvious. Those flowers are the ones he said were pretty back when we were doing photoshoots for kokobop outside.”
Junmyeon had completely forgotten that event.
Sehun had looked so beautiful, heavy makeup and orange, vibrant hair, his chest a bit exposed, nails painted, he was gorgeous. And he had been fighting bugs all afternoon before they found a patch with flowers.
“These ones are so pretty.” he said, taking one in his hands but not breaking the steem, careful not to hurt the soft petals. Jonquils.
“Oh…”
“He’s seen the flowers, I thought he would know, or notice.”
“Just because these are the same flowers doesn’t mean it’s Sehun.”
“But it is Sehun. I’ve seen Junmyeon look at him, and it’s a different look. It is him, right?” he asks, round eyes on Junmyeon’s own. The older man nods, giving up to the coughing fit that feels coming.
“Kyungsoo. Look what-”
“It’s fine. It’s normal. Just a few more hours.” he repeats. It’s a mantra.
I love Sehun. It’ll be over in a couple of hours. I love Sehun. Just a few more hours. I love Sehun.
“I think he should know. Before...it’s done.”
“Nothing will change even if Junmyeon confesses. He needs the flower removed.”
“But he needs to tell him because when he wakes up he won’t feel absolutely anything for Sehun, and Sehun will be confused. He needs to know why.”
“I’m going to hurt him so much.” Junmyeon whispers, starting to cry. “He won’t understand anything. I won’t...love him anymore. I won’t be able to love him ever again.” he whimpers, Minseok hugs him.
“It’s necessary. It’s not his fault, but it must be done, Junmyeon.” Junmyeon hurts so much, not because his health is in danger, but because his love, that love for Sehun will be removed, and he doesn’t know a world where he doesn’t love Sehun. Everything will be different. Although he will not feel the change at all.
“He needs to know.” Kyungsoo repeats, wiping away some tears. “I’ll call-”
However, Sehun appears in front of them.
He looks like a wreck. Dark circles, a couple of break-outs on his face, not shaved, hair all over the place.
He steps in front of Junmyeon, then kneels.
“Junmyeon.” he says. His voice is scratchy, like it pains him to speak. He puts a fist on Junmyeon’s lap.
“Sehun?”
He opens his hand, and there’s three petals on the older man’s lap now.
“Roses.” lavender roses. “Enchantment.”
Junmyeon opens his eyes wide.
“Is good that...these are not roses. What are they?”
“It’s been three months. I...don’t know if it’s me. But if it is me...please. I don’t want to lose this.”
Sehun started to cry, and Junmyeon hugged his head, crying with him.
“I love you. I’m in love with you, Junmyeon please.” he weeps, hugging Junmyeon’s legs, coughing aggressively until more petals fall from his soft lips.
“Sehun. Oh my god, Sehun. I love you too, Sehun, it’s you, of course it’s you.” Junmyeon says, kissing Sehun’s forehead, clutching lavender petals on his hands.
“Then...I need time, even if its dangerous, please...we need time.” Sehun begs, red eyes and runny nose, his hands find Junmyeon’s face, holding.
“Yes, we’ll have time. C’mon, we’re leaving.”
“Junmyeon! You can’t leave! It’s dangerous, we need to get the flower removed, it’s too late-”
“He has roses, Minseok hyung. Roses are more dangerous. We need to try.”
“No, both of you need a surgery right now. Kyungsoo, get Sehun, I’ll get a doctor-”
“You will not. We...we’re in love, Minseok.” Sehun stands up, grasps Junmyeon’s hand, trying to look as strong as he can at the moment.
“You can die from this. Something so stupid, preventable-”
“You got it yourself, didn’t you?” Minseok stays still for a moment. Kyungsoo widens his eyes.
“It was the right decision. I was not going to die for unrequited love.” Minseok says, certain.
“He wasn’t worth the fight, but Sehun is. You know he is. And now, it’s both of us.”
Minseok sighs, his eyes fill with tears.
“The second it gets bad, I’m dragging you here and its final.” they nod, Sehun sniffles, ends up crying on Junmyeon’s shoulder for minutes before he pulls himself together enough to accompany the older man to the front desk where he informs he’s not going through with the procedure.
“But Mister, this is a very dangerous, risk-”
“It’s fine, I’m sure I’ll be fine. Thank you for your worry.” he smiles brightly, tugging Sehun towards the personal back exit. Sehun’s car is there, the driver waiting impatiently. The four of them climb inside, Sehun puts his head on Junmyeon’s shoulder, kisses his neck quietly, and naps on the way back.
“You know it’s risky. It might be too late, Junmyeon.”
“Yeah. But we need to try.”
*
It isn’t easy. Its painful. For weeks, they endure it. The flowers don’t seem to be growing, but they’re not shrinking neither.
Around the month mark, they start to see some improvement.
Their kisses can be longer, they breathe better, able to share intense moments without running out of steam too soon, Sehun’s petals leave first, at four months, he coughs up a single, whole lavender rose. It’s the last one.
Junmyeon takes a bit longer, his petals keep coming up, and he starts to doubt Sehun loves him enough.
Until one night, where Sehun is singing quietly for him and they’ve been browsing places to go on a quick vacation together, where he feels a big bunch of petals coming up. Junmyeon coughs, coughs for long minutes, petal after petal, and Sehun gives him space, only kisses his hand while Junmyeon coughs, has a bottle of water next to him.
It comes up, an entire flower, it looks bigger than the petals he’s been coughing lately. And it’s gorgeous, vibrant yellow, but matted all together, crushed.
“Jun...its...its the last one Junmyeon.”
“What? Wh-”
“Its a flower, an entire flower. You’ve not coughed an entire flower in two months. It’s the last of it.” he’s crying hard, a small river of tears falling from his face, Junmyeon clutches his shoulders, letting the information sink in. It’s the last of it. “I love you, Jun. I’m so in love with you.” Sehun whimpers, on his mouth because they’re kissing, intensely, fast, wet for the tears that both of them are crying.
They make love that night, Junmyeon sleeps on Sehun’s arms, and he’s certain that he’s wholly, completely, unconditionally loved.