Work Text:
It is twilight in France, aka early morning for the normal parts of the world. Our heroine Jess Loves Juzo (heart emoticon) sits on a park bench in the country of Non (South of Oui.)
She is staring at the star lit sky and thinking about how great her friend Tia (not a horse fucker) is when she smells it. A smell the French know quite well. The smell of... baguette.
Her heart rate picks up. She glances over to see a steamy hot baguette strutting over towards her.
"Hello there mademoiselle," the baguette says in a seductive voice as it takes a seat next to her on the park bench. "How are you doing on this fine night that is morning for the rest of the world who are not French and weirdos who want to fuck baguettes?"
"I was just thinking about how amazing and beautiful and smart and lovely and awesome and cool and way better than me my friend Tia is, and how she does absolutely not fuck horses," Jess says, blushing, "but you distracted me with your... doughy scent."
The baguette chuckled.
"My name is sexysexy baguette. Would you care to join me tonight to watch some titi bird and dora the explorer in English instead of Spanish because we are French and quirky like that XD"
"I would love to sexysexybaguette. I was looking at Allieshima's minion porn tattoo photo and falling into an existential crisis at the thought of being alone for all of eternity until death and not having anyone i can share a close bond with like those two minions with their banana dicks."
Sexysexy baguette wiped away the tears in Jess' eyes.
"It is ok Jess Loves Juzo (heart emoticon), even if the rest of the world will say our fate as lovers is strange i know we oui are meant to be."
"Sexysexy baguette!" Jess said, with emotion leaking from her words. "I think I am in love with you! Will you marry me!?!?!?"
She waited with baited breath for Sexysexy baguette's response, but alas, our hopeful heroine didn't have to wait too long. Jess felt the caress of a baguette body against her skin as Sexysexy baguette leaned in and whispered.
"Of course Jess Loves Juzo (heart emoticon), everyone knows baguette/human marriages are legally recognised in France and are the truest form of love. Let's be married."
And so, Sexysexy Baguette and Jess Baguette (she took sexysexy's last name uwu) were married in the fall and at their wedding they praised Tia who is still not and will never be a horse fucker for her charm and great writing ability. After joining vagikism (so they could live under Tia's religion) they bought their first house together in the French countryside and later had 3 baguette children named Kimmi, Wendy and India after three of her other but less cool friends. The end.