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"Is someone there? who are you? just please give me a sign, give me a fucking sign!"
-Hello Stefan
There it was, the sign that he had looked for; a message on the monitor in front of him.
Stefan eyes focused on the words and brushed his hair back in disbelief, he could feel himself breaking into a sweat.
He was just about to type "Who are you?" on the keyboard, but he only got as far as "who" before the screen flashed once more.
-I'm no-one in particular. The person replied, as if they could read his thoughts.
"What do you want?" He found himself saying out loud. He then quickly looked back at the door to his room, it was ajar. He stood up to go and close it. He could hear the computer beep as a new message appeared. Stefan poked his head out the door and listened carefully, his dad was watching telly. He closed the door silently and returned to the computer to read the message.
-I only want what's best for you.
"Best for me?" he whispered to the computer in a hushed tone that he himself couldn't quite place. Maybe it was apprehension mixed with anger and confusion. "What do you mean what's 'best for me'?"
-You've read Bandersnatch.
It said it like it was obvious and that Stefan would immediately understand what they ment by it. The message flashed just long enough for him to read it, then the next message appeared.
-You've experienced it, and you're aware, aren't you?
"Aware of what?" the emotions in his mind were all fighting for dominance.
-That what happens further down the line depends on the choices you make right now.
Stefan fell silent, not knowing how to respond.
-You have experienced it. Those dreams that felt like reality? The words that appear out of your mouth, or where your finger points without you being fully able to control or understand why you do these things. That's you making all possible decisions in all possible timelines.
"How do you know all this? Can you tell my future?" Stefan finally said, and it had felt like all air had escaped from him, his body rigid and only his mouth moving.
-I know everything. I know every outcome.
"All of them..." Stefan found himself quoting Colin. "I knew it" he muttered to himself again. He looked at the screen. The same message was still there, sitting innocently as if waiting for him to make the connection. "That's why I knew about Nohzdyve, why Colin had assumed that we've already met. That's why I said 'no' to Thakur's offer, even though I wanted to say 'yes'. That's why I woke up in the car in front of Doctor Hayne's office thinking that Colin had jumped. Isn't it?"
-What do you want? The text appeared.
"I should ask you the same question!" Stefan felt a tinge of annoyance, he raised his voice in a tone of impatient urgency.
-What I meant is; what do you desire in life? What would make you happy?
"I don't know..." The question had put Stefan on the spot. "Completing the game, making it justice? Maybe." Stefan shook his head. He found that other than the game, he really had no Idea what he wanted to do with his life.
-If that's what you want, you need Colin's help.
"That would be amazing, but..."
-You admire him. The text cut him off.
"I... do. He's like my biggest idol and the reason I got into game design," Stefan began to explain, but stopped himself. This person, the entity probably already knew all that. Stefan wondered what else they might know about him.
-He has sees potential in you. All you have to do is reach out.
Stefan wanted to believe the person beyond the screen. It would be a dream come true to work on Bandersnatch with Colin.
Once again they replied as if they could read Stefan's mind.
-You should explore that option. But if you do, I can't help you.
"How can you know all this?"
-It's not important.
"I'd beg to differ."
-What I mean is: it's probably better if you don't know.
"Why?" Stefan insisted.
-You are already doubting you own free will. If I tell you everything that I know, I fear that you might slip further into madness.
"So I am mad?" Stefan said, almost inaudible but punctuating the words nonetheless. He feared that he was losing touch with himself and this entity seemed to confirm that. What if he was talking out loud to a blank screen?
-No, you're not mad. Not per se. You're simply becoming aware of reality and reality is much like Bandersnatch, in that, it ha paths that diverge into other paths. Some of these paths lead to bitter points of no return… Trust me, you don't want to go there.
"So... what should I do to avoid those?"
-Do whatever makes you happy. The message simply said.
"It's that simple?" Stefan felt a bit doubtful but at the same time he felt like the entity was telling him the truth. Stefan had felt like the choices he had made lately weren't actually his choices at all.
-Yes and no. You have to put effort into consciously making decisions.
The message flickered away as soon as he had read it. He was trying to formulate a question but another message appeared before he could do so.
-I have some further advice for you.
"Go on," Stefan hoped that this advice would be easier to follow than the thought that all his choices were predetermined or made by someone else.
-Relax, take your time to make your choices. Know that you always have a choice. Know that there are more than one, or even two options to all paths that you come across.
"That's it?" That wasn’t exactly the advice he would have assumed that an all-knowing being would impart on him. If he truly had a bleak future and they were trying to help him -this was really vague advice. How could knowing something so simple really change anything?
-Personally, I'd advise you to get to know Colin better. He's like you, he has knowledge about the multiverse. You two are kindred spirits.
"Kindred spirits?" Stefan asked with a scoff. The person however (if it truly was a person) ignored this question.
-He'll try to help you by opening your mind further, but you have to help him as well.
"I have to help him? How? With what?" Stefan couldn't phantom Colin needing his help with anything. He seemed like he controlled the world more than the world controlled him.
-He's become numb. From what I know, he seems indifferent if he lives or dies. But I think you could rekindle his joie de vivre.
"So, what you’re saying is that-" Stefan was once again cut off by the message appearing.
-You must keep him alive, and in turn he will keep you sane.
"I... don't think I understand."
-That's ok. But know that most people aren't like you, or him for that matter, they won't understand. I'd advise you to distance yourself from your father and your therapist.
"Why?"
-Because they are trying to control you. You need to become independent of them. They've planted seeds in your mind that may corrupt you. Fret not, you'll be fine as long as you make sane decisions and stay away from harmful thinking.
"That's..." Was it reassuring? Was it as reassuring as the person had intended?
-I hope that you take my advice. Change the course of your own destiny. Happiness is achievable.
"You say that as if I didn't think that happiness was achievable," Stefan snapped, not knowing exactly why he felt attacked by that statement.
-Did you believe it was? The message flashed.
-Well, it is. So. This is where I must leave you.
"Wait, before you go, will you tell me who you are?"
-I'm a friend. If PAX is the thief of destiny, I would be his counterpart. I'm the "propagator of destiny" if you will. With this knowledge, I've opened up a new path for you. Now it's up to you to make different choices.
"Thank you... I suppose?"
-You're welcome.
"Will... Will I hear from you again?"
-Not unless you want to.
"So this is goodbye?"
.
-Yes. Goodbye and good luck.
The monitor flashed white for a brief moment, the black, then Bandersnatch loaded again.
And as if summoned by the alignment of the universe itself, Stefan's father, Peter, entered the room.
"Stefan, tea," he said, and placed a cup on Stefan's desk. "I'm going to the pub for some lunch, want to come with?" Peter asked.
Stefan just stared blankly at his father. Thinking about what the person on the computer had said.
"No, I'm fine," Stefan hesitated.
"You didn't have any breakfast!" Peter protested. “You’re not eating you’re not sleeping.”
Stefan didn’t answer. What was he supposed to say? That someone was sending him messages, warning him about his father.
“I can’t help you if you just sit there and and don’t speak!” Why was he so insistent? Couldn’t he tell that Stefan wanted to be left alone?
"Just fuck off dad!" Stefan flew up from the chair.
"Grab your coat, we’re going for lunch" he simply said.
“No, dad, I have to finish this…” Stefan half-heatedly tried to make an excuse.
“And we’ll go in the car.”
*
Stefan jolted awake. They were in the car outside Dr. Haynes office. His head was full of vivid thoughts all tumbling around in his brain. Had the messenger on the screen been a dream? He got out of the car barely hearing his father trying to convince him to see Dr. Haynes.
"Distance myself?" Stefan thought to himself as he looked around for an escape route. Just then he saw Colin, his platinum hair stood out like a sore thumb among the crowds of people sweeping past him. Colin turned his head and they briefly made eye-contact. Colin then turned and kept walking, smoking his cigarette and occasionally taking a sip from a coke can he was carrying. Stefan looked back at his dad, then at Colin again. It wasn't a tough decision to make. He turned around and ran up to Colin, ignoring his father's shouting from behind him.
"Colin, hi" Stefan mustered under his breath after catching up to him.
Colin turned around, eyeing him over before casually greeting him with "How's Bandersnatch going?"
"Not good," he replied honestly.
"Your in the hole," Colin said knowingly. "You're in a fight with your own head."
"That's... exactly it!" Did he actually have the answers that the cosmic entity had promised?
*
Colin invited him back to his apartment, he lived on the top floor. Stefan looked down through the corridor window, feeling a sense of nausea, thinking about the dream where Colin had jumped. He thought about Nohzdyve. Was it an allegory? Was Colin really suicidal? He could clearly remember the sickening thud of Colin’s body hitting the ground. He could remember looking over the balcony and seeing Colin’s body reduced to a bloodstain on the ground. Stefan remembered stumbling away from the sight, but he couldn’t remember anything before or after that.
“This is me,” Colin’s voice pulled him back into the reality of the moment and he followed Colin inside.
The apartment was rather small. He caught himself thinking that Colin could probably afford a better place, or a Lamborghini as Thakur had claimed.
Colin gave a quick tour and then retreated to the living room. There was a curved black sofa on one end of a small coffee table and at the other side was a white armchair that Colin promptly seated himself on. He lit what looked like a joint. Stefan remained standing upright, observing him carefully.
"Grab a pew" Colin said, as if he was about to preach.
Stefan obeyed, he took off his jacket and sat down. Colin took a drag from the joint and then handed it over. Stefan tried to make an excuse about his inexperience with drugs but took it nonetheless. He tried to mimic how Colin had done it, taking a drag, keeping it down for a moment before exhaling. It was rough against his throat, he coughed.
"You'll get the hang of that," Colin smirked. Was he already insinuating that this would become a reoccurring coaction.
"Are you going to help me?" Stefan asked.
Colin replied by picking up a small container from the table, reaching into it with two fingers. There was a tiny paper square resting on each of his two fingertips. They had the image of a lion. Stefan couldn't help but to think about PAX.
"Is that...?"
"One for you, one for me. Do you want it? It helps you see the bigger picture."
"I-" Stefan hesitated. T
"It's your choice, no pressure" Colin said reassuringly.
"I'm... I'm fine, thanks though," Stefan had never smoked weed and now there was acid? He knew Colin had a devil may care attitude but Stefan wasn’t quite there yet.
"Alright" Colin said, seemingly disappointed but trying not to show it. He popped one of the squares on his tongue and clenched his lips tightly.
Stefan felt a tad ashamed, he averted his eyes, unable to take Colin's disappointment directly.
"Don't forget your tea," Colin said as he pushed the cup into Stefan’s hands. He had totally forgotten that they had made tea as soon as they’d come through the door, he had been too distracted by coming face to face with his daughter. He took a quick gulp just to follow orders. Colin then walked behind the couch and started fiddling with the music equipment, afterwards he returned to his seat, as a smooth cosmic tunes rolled out from the speakers.
All of a sudden a strange euphoric feeling came over Stefan. His momentary guilt from just a second ago was gone and he just felt like laughing and that everything was ok. He smiled to himself. Did Colin-?
"What did you do?" he asked, smiling widely.
"I made the choice for you, hope that's ok? After all, not all good times has to come to an end in a world full of infinite choices."
"It's... fine" Stefan said. This must have been what the entity meant when they said that Colin would help him by opening his mind. Stefan couldn't help but to laugh, he didn't quite know why. It felt good to laugh but there was a certain sense of nostalgia in the feeling, like he hadn't laughed in years. Colin joined him jovially.
When the laughter died down Colin sat down on the couch, next to Stefan. Colin then started to talk about all his theories about games, the world, about the multiverse and string theory. All Stefan could do was to soak it all in, he couldn't stop staring at Colin. He found himself zoning out only to be jerked back to reality by Colin’s excited words as he grabbed his face with both of his hands.
"There's a cosmic flowchart that dictates where you can, and where you can't go. I've given you the knowledge, I've set you free," Colin said, staring intensely at Stefan. Colin looked kind of funny, like his face was melting.
"Do you understand?" Colin urged him.
"Maybe. sort of..." Stefan said, feeling a smile creep up his cheeks as he clasped his hands around Colin's face, once more attempting to mirror Colin’s actions.
He didn't know why, maybe it was the proximity but he felt himself drawn forward, his hot breath mingling with Colin's. This was a choice that Stefan wanted to make. If he didn't take this opportunity there might not be another one. Keeping the entity's advice of doing things that would make him happy, he closed the distance between himself and Colin and their lips met. At first Stefan approached him tentatively, but once he felt Colin’s lips pushing back in response the kiss became ravenous. Stefans hands moved back towards the nape of Colin's neck and into that wild spiky hair.
They pulled apart, standing there silent for what felt like minutes, but in reality might have been less than 10 seconds.
"Well, I did not see that coming," Colin said slowly and bit his lower lip. Colin was regarding Stefan with an arched eyebrow. He looked intrigued.
"Was it ok for me to do that?" Stefan mumbled, not really knowing how to respond.
Colin let out an amused scoff and grabbed Stefan's collar and pushed his weight against him, forcing Stefan to take a step backwards. Colin’s leg ended up somewhere in between Stefan's, forcing him down on the couch. He was now sitting with Colin on top of him looking down into his eyes. He was breathing slowly and regarded Stefan with an expression that he'd never seen on Colin before. He looked almost tranquil.
Stefan had never been this close to anyone before. The weirdest part of it all was that it felt natural. Maybe all the choices he had made so far were his subconscious trying to place himself in this very situation. Was he just deceiving himself by holding up Colin as just an idol, someone he aspired to be like, instead of acknowledging that it had been a crush all along?
His thoughts were cut short by Colin planting another hungry kiss on his lip. The kiss deepened and he could feel a soft tongue caress his own. Stefan closed his eyes and let his hands wander from Colin's hips to his shoulder blades, pulling him into a tight embrace. He got lost in the moment for, thinking just about how great this feeling was and how his body seemed to warm up from the core as his heart raced. He never wanted to let go of him. He couldn't believe the series of events that lead him here. It was too good to be true.
"What's the matter?" Colin's deep tone rang from the black void behind his closed eyes. Stefan looked up at him.
"I just that-" Stefan bit his lip. "I've never kissed anyone before," he confessed.
Colin smiled and cupped Stefan's face, planting another kiss on his forehead.
Stefan truly felt happy, for the first time in a long time.