Work Text:
The light is coming to give back everything the darkness stole
It takes a while for you to realize it, once things start getting better.
For months, it was hard to even remind yourselves exactly why you were still fighting for it, why you kept pushing away the voices inside telling you to let go, to stop trying - the voices that wondered aloud if it was still worth it, the amount of tears.
“Dan - maybe we need a break.”
“Is that what you want?”
It never was, not really, would be the reply that you would come up with in the middle of sleepless nights, when the silence of the room would only be interrupted by the noises of London outside your windows instead of words, eyes trained up the ceiling instead of each other’s faces, trying to ignore the swirling guilt at the streaks of drying tears and the sniffling of held back sobs. Nights made of searching for answers that you didn’t know if would ever come.
The only thing you wanted to do was protect what you two have.
Truth be told, it almost broke you apart.
It still feels like it, sometimes. But then you open your eyes, and see what you two really have - especially now that things are good, when the looks you give to each other are soft and loving and not resentful, now that the moments you share are filled with laughter and not with the deafening silence of anger and regret.
You’re both so glad that you waited, glad that you let the storm have its moment, waited it out in the shelter of your own home, in between safe walls that you erected together.
You’re glad that you held on enough to witness together the clouds disappearing, the first rays of sun come through, the blue of the sky shine for what felt like the first time.
What did she say? What did he say?
You don't listen 'cause you know everything
You don't even need dreams
Tellin' everybody, "Stay woke, don't sleep"
Once that happens, it’s easy to let the ball roll, feel like you want to be in control, decide what the people will see instead of fearing a new invasion.
You have the radio and you have your channels, separate entities that don’t feel like enough anymore, not when you start wishing to be seen as together more than you want people to see you apart - not now, not after risking losing it all.
“Let’s start a gaming channel,” is the first of many suggestions, the first step forward into building something more that has both of your names on it, a mark of your commitment to each other and to a career together, something that you never thought would be possible.
“Let’s write a book together,” is another, even wilder suggestion, a dream whispered in between kisses that you might want to pass as a heat of the moment fantasy, but that you find yourselves discussing and planning the next morning, huge smiles on your faces and hearts beating fast.
“Let’s just be happy,” is the only thing that you only care about, the only real plan that you keep working towards, over and over, for once sure that you want the same thing with the same strength.
And so that’s what you do.
How can they tell you shit that you've been through
They are so confused, who cares about the rational?
If it ain't your view
That's the bottom line
And sure, it’s still frustrating, dealing with the kind of pressure and attention that is lashed on you every single day.
Your social media profiles are inundated by comments, question upon question of hard dedicated fans, their only purpose to get out of you some kind of information that you’re just not ready to share.
It used to make you sad, used to make you angry. Used to upset you both, the idea that you were somehow hiding what it is between the two of you, for fear or shame. Used to make you feel guilty, almost like you somehow owed it to them, the key to a secret door leading to the truth they are all so desperate for.
You talked about it, so many times.
You spent night after night contemplating every possibility, making a list of pro and cons, debating every possible outcome.
“Who cares?”
“They care and we care, Dan, you know that.”
The things is, neither of you understand why it matters so much. You want to be
But you tried lying, you tried ignoring it, you tried lashing out. Hell, you even tried giving up.
Nothing really changed.
So maybe you just have to stop trying. Maybe, you tell yourselves as you lie in each other’s arms, the sound of your heartbeats the only symphony you ever want to listen to, maybe you tried letting go of the wrong thing.
Maybe, instead of trying to control what the people think of you, what the people want to know - maybe you just have to control the two of you, and focus on the kind of truths that you want to put out instead of trying to come up with lie after lie.
You focus on what you want people to know, on the kind of knowledge that they have and the kind that they want to have, and decide to swim in the middle, avoiding the tentacles of the giant monster trying to grab at you and pull you down.
Miraculously, you begin to see safer waters on the horizon.
Know-it-all (know-it-all)
Give you a box of chances, every time you blow it all (blow it all)
As if it were shade, you would just throw it all (throw it all)
It's like you're trying not to glow at all (glow at all)
Know-it-all (know-it-all)
It doesn’t happen overnight.
It takes a while for the storm to settle, for the fear and the doubt to stop being on the forefront of every conversation and public interaction you ever have.
It takes a while for the all-seeing gaze of your audience to feel like the unwelcomed companion of your everyday life, the shadow following every single step you take outside your apartment, sneaking in between the two of you and settling in the middle of your sofa, unwilling to let you go.
It takes months of crying and arguing, months of listening closely to conversations happening around you, of wondering whether or not people are talking about you, before you realize that the fear of people finding out about you is the one thing holding you back.
And when that realization arrives, it feels like a weight is being lifted from your shoulders, like you’ve been given oxygen after months of asphyxiation. It feels like pushing your head out of the water, filling your lungs with fresh air and live.
It feels like the light that you’ve been waiting for all along - the two of you, hand in hand, facing the outside world.
And if you can do that, you can survive anything - as long as you’re together. After all, that’s the plan.
Ah, gonna break that shit down
You don't wait until they wait another round
Ah, guess you're way above it now
And that's your way to love it now