Archive of Our Own

“Told you we’d find him here.”

Chanyeol looked up from his half-empty glass of scotch to find Kyungsoo and Sehun scowling down at him – more so Kyungsoo than Sehun, who had the grace to offer him a small smile.

The dark lighting of the bar did not soften the hard edges of Sehun’s face nor the harsh frown on Kyungsoo’s. He had not seen them for a long time – well – he had seen them in the parties and events of mutual friends but had not talked to them in months.

Sehun had been the one who spoke.

Kyungsoo hadn’t spoken a word to him in over a year, hadn’t spoken a single word to him since the break-up.

Because Chanyeol had done… what he had done.

Without asking for his permission, they slid into the empty seats in front of him.

 Seeing them there brought back a memory from the dredges of his mind, one that he had buried deep inside along with any memory that he could ever relate to him.

Chanyeol raised a mocking brow before knocking back the rest of his scotch, the liquid a warm and familiar burn in the back of his throat. It was his first drink of the night, the first of many, he was sure.

“What do you want?” Chanyeol asked them, bored, when they hadn’t immediately started talking. His senses were dulled, bordering on uncaring.

He watched as Sehun glanced worriedly at Kyungsoo, seemingly at a loss for words. Or maybe he was nervous. It was either of the two. Kyungsoo merely stared and stared at him as if he was assessing Chanyeol for something, debating whether or not he was worth whatever they were doing tonight.

After a sigh and a wince, Sehun smiled at him. Chanyeol could tell it was a forced smile, polite and full of tension.

“How have you been, Chanyeol?” Sehun started, the smile not quite reaching his eyes; otherwise his eyes would have crinkled into upside down crescent moons that made him look younger. Now, instead of smile lines, there were bags under his eyes and a fold in between his eyebrows from frowning too much.

“I’ve been splendid, thank you for asking,” Chanyeol scoffed. “Now, cut the crap and get straight to the point. What do you want?”

Chanyeol didn’t miss the way Kyungsoo’s eyes narrowed at his tone, the way he glared at him and still refused to utter a word.

Again, hesitation filled Sehun’s expression. And there was something mixed in with the hesitation in his eyes –

Sadness?

Grief?

“It’s –,” Sehun paused, biting his lip before turning to Kyungsoo. “Complicated.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes slid to Sehun’s finally and the same expression, the same sadness poured into those wide eyes of his.

“It’s about Baekhyun, isn’t it?”

Both of them turned to look at him in surprise and Chanyeol let a smirk tug at the edge of his lip.

After all, how could it not be about Baekhyun?

He was the reason the two of them had stopped talking to him, of course he’d be the reason they’d try to approach him again.

“You know?” Kyungsoo asked, confusion lacing his tone, his brow furrowing.

And the sound of his voice – the voice of a once good friend he hadn’t heard in so long – dealt the first crack into the walls Chanyeol had spent months building up and reinforcing and reinforcing and reinforcing.

“No,” Chanyeol chuckled. “But there couldn’t be any other reason, right?”

Right on time, a waitress came over and dropped off another glass of scotch.

Good, he was going to need more alcohol in his system if he was going to have any conversation that involved his ex, Byun Baekhyun.

“Keep ‘em coming,” Chanyeol flashed the waitress a mindless charming smile to which the waitress nodded bashfully before flitting away.

“So,” Chanyeol continued when, again, neither of them said anything. “What does the little angel want?”

He had used ‘little angel’ as a term of endearment for him long before they even got together (and after they had gotten together, Chanyeol had gotten to adding ‘my’ before it), along with probably a hundred others, each one he hadn’t uttered ever since they broke up.

Ever since Baekhyun broke up with him.

“The others are in town,” Sehun said instead of answering the question. “Minseok. Junmyeon. Even Yixing and Luhan, Yifan and Zitao.”

Chanyeol could guess why.

The words tasted bitter in his mouth and he had to fight not to spit the question out, to say it in a calm and collected manner even if it felt like his heart was breaking all over again. Because thinking of Baekhyun with someone else – loving someone else other than him – was too painful to even entertain.

After months of Chanyeol imagining Baekhyun with somebody else during his lowest moments, one would assume that he’d be used to it by now.

He wasn’t. He wasn’t sure he ever would be.

Chanyeol could not see Baekhyun ending up with anyone but him.

It was why he could never fault Baekhyun for breaking up with him not after what he did to him.

He couldn’t show them all those regrets and feelings so he swallowed it all down with a gulp of his drink and gave them a bitter smile instead.

“For a wedding?” Chanyeol finally made himself ask.

A wedding they were supposed to have but never got the chance to.

Again, because of Chanyeol.

“No, Chanyeol.”

He snapped his gaze to Kyungsoo’s.

“For a funeral.”

Confusion and a little lick of fear rushed through him. Confusion and then a little voice of Realization at the back of his mind that started getting louder until Denial pushed it aside.

From the way he could hear his heart stuttering in his chest, the way his body seemed to grow colder with each passing millisecond and the way there was suddenly this great absence of sound and of thoughts and of anything  in his mind, he suddenly knew whose.

But that didn’t stop him from asking.

“Whose funeral?”

He didn’t know if he was looking for a confirmation or more denial. (Though the looks on their faces were confirmation enough.)

No.

No.

No. No. No.

NO.

“Whose funeral?” He asked again, choking the words out, the grip he had on his shot glass tightening so much his knuckles were white.

It was impossible.

There was no way.

He couldn’t have –

Baekhyun wouldn’t –

It was Sehun who spoke up again, his face crumpling at the sight of Chanyeol’s agitation.

“He wanted to tell you,” Sehun said softly. “We all did. But you didn’t answer our calls, nor did you ever come to visit when he asked you to.”

Baekhyun wouldn’t leave him.

Not like this.

“I didn’t know he was dying,” Chanyeol snapped. The silence was gone and was replaced with such a roaring noise inside his head, filled with longing and disbelief and unbelievable sorrow. Everything inside of Chanyeol threatened to collapse, so many emotions going through him at the moment he no longer knew how he felt and how he should feel.

He suddenly didn’t know anything anymore.

“Because you never listened,” Kyungsoo said flatly and Chanyeol couldn’t take his eyes off of him because he knew if he moved his eyes even one millimeter, a dam would burst and he’d sob right then and there. He’d cry until his lungs gave out.

Because Baekhyun –

“You only ever listened to yourself. Your pain. Your mistakes. Filled yourself with nothing but self-pity and liquor and self-absorbed bullshit and never listened to any of us because you were so convinced that we hated you the way you hated yourself”

Kyungsoo spat the last words out, glaring at Chanyeol with a fury he had never seen in his old friend’s face.

Chanyeol tried to reflect that fury into his own heart, better than feeling this sudden empty and cold nothing he couldn’t understand. At least fury he could deal with, fury he could control – but this? He didn’t know what to do with this…this growing emptiness.

All that fury he tried to muster was successful all for a second, pushing himself to his feet ready to shout or throw a punch or leave, he didn’t know. Kyungsoo and Sehun followed suit, the latter looking nervously but determinedly at the two of them, as if he were ready to throw himself between them if he needed to.

But that fury was there and gone in a flash as he let Kyungsoo’s words sink in and soon he was blinking at the two of them, at a loss for what to do or what to say, all the fight he had in him gone.

Because Baekhyun was.

And he didn’t see anything worth fighting for anymore.

And for once, he didn’t know what to do next.

“I – ,” Chanyeol almost choked out. He had thought he would have more time to ask – no, beg for Baekhyun’s forgiveness and for him to take him back and give him another chance. He thought he could spend his whole life atoning for his mistakes, not realizing how little time he actually had and had now lost because of his pride.

“I –,” Chanyeol tried to start again but it came out as a half-sob as he wrung his hands, looking to the side and biting his lip.

“Let’s go outside,” Sehun suggested, moving around the table to put an arm around Chanyeol’s shoulders. Chanyeol didn’t shrug the touch off. He just stood there, taking big gulps of air to stop himself from falling on his knees and crying.

“Can I see him?” Chanyeol said in a whisper he doubted they could hear over the music. But Sehun must’ve heard him because he started leading him out. It felt as if Chanyeol was only watching the scene unfold, letting himself be led by Sehun through the expanse of the bar to the doors, Kyungsoo following silently behind them after he had silently left the money on the table to pay Chanyeol’s bill.

Chanyeol felt his legs move from underneath him, not wholly there, but his hands – he didn’t know what to do with his hands. Hands that used to hold Baekhyun’s in it. Hands he knew fit perfectly on Baekhyun’s waist. Hands Baekhyun had loved bringing to his cheeks to warm them.

He had mourned those losses when they had broken up but this was a different type of mourning, this was real and irreversible and final and he still couldn’t get his mind around it.

By the time they reached the doors and the cold bite of the cool night air brushed through his hair, Chanyeol still didn’t know what to do.

He stood there, staring at nothing, his heart crushing in on itself as he listened to Kyungsoo and Sehun talk amongst themselves.

“I’m going back,” he heard Kyungsoo say to Sehun, holding out his hand for something. “Junmyeon texted me that Yixing just arrived. Take Chanyeol and do what Baekhyun asked.”

Sehun nodded wordlessly and fished out his keys from his pocket to give Kyungsoo. It took Chanyeol a split second to realize what was happening, stumbling forward, his eyes locked on Kyungsoo as he started walking away.

“Wait,” Chanyeol said, hand slightly outstretched. “Take me with you. I want to see him.”

Kyungsoo stopped for only a second to look at him before he turned back around and continued on his way. The look he gave him, though not angry or full of resentment, was sad. His eyes softer than he had seen them in months and that look struck another blow.

Chanyeol wondered if Baekyun had told Kyungsoo not to be angry with him anymore. If it had been one of his requests.

“I’ll take you to the funeral home later,” Sehun put a hand on his shoulder. “But for now, Baekhyun asked us to bring you somewhere.”

Chanyeol’s eyes that had been on Kyungsoo’s retreating back snapped to Sehun’s at the mention of Baekhyun.

“Did he ask you to do this while he was dying?”

The thought of Baekhyun thinking of him before he died made him want to drop to his knees and beg for the forgiveness of everyone who passed by.

“He left us all letters. He asked me and Kyungsoo for this favor in ours amongst the other things,” Sehun’s grip on his shoulder tightened as Sehun remembered the contents of his letter.

None of them have had the time to properly mourn, Chanyeol realized.

 “Was it painful? The way he left?”

“No. He was asleep when it happened. The doctors told us that he didn’t even feel a thing,”

Chanyeol took a great big gulp of air and exhaled it all shakily, calming himself down, before he nodded.

“Okay,” he said. “Bring me to wherever he wanted.

Chanyeol stared out the window as he sat at the passenger side of his own car, Sehun driving by his side. He watched the city lights pass them by. Each blurring together as he tried not to think about anything besides the fact that he was taking a late night drive with a friend.

But even as he tried to think only about that, he couldn’t not think about Baekhyun. 

A loud pang through his empty heart.

Even thinking about his name hurt.

The tears hadn’t yet come but the memories he had hidden had started leaking out minutes ago and they flashed through his mind like the way the lights outside his car window did.

Happy memories. Sad ones. Painful.

All of them kept dripping out through the cracks in the walls he had built and he did nothing to keep them inside. Not as those memories showed him Baekhyun’s bright smile. His equally bright laugh.

Things Chanyeol won’t ever see again.

He took another deep breath to keep a sob in. He had been doing that since they had gotten into the car.

Sehun glanced his way, not saying a word. Chanyeol didn’t blame him. He wouldn’t know what to say either. And the silence is better than talking about it. At least for now.

He didn’t want to reminisce about their shared memories of Baekhyun. For now, he wanted to have Baekhyun all to himself.

Of all the places Sehun could have brought them. Of all the places that could have meant so much to his and Baekhyun’s broken relationship, Chanyeol didn’t expect Sehun to park right in front of Baekhyun’s company building.

“What are we doing here?”

The first words between them since their little drive had begun. Chanyeol looked up at the tall building as he stepped out of his car one foot after the other, the glass windows of the building reflecting the lights of the buildings around it, making it glint in the night.

Sehun closed the car door with a thud before walking to Chanyeol’s side.

“He didn’t tell us why,” he answered. “He just told us to bring you to his office and that you’ll find something there and that you’d understand.”

Again, Chanyeol looked up at the tall, looming, building.

How many times had Chanyeol been here to bring Baekhyun lunch to surprise or pick him up for one of their dinners out in that town during the 6 years they had been dating? How many times had he stared up at the same building, straight to the windows where he knew Baekhyun’s office was with a bag of Baekhyun’s favourites, excitement and anticipation buzzing through him at the thought of seeing Baekhyun’s delighted look of surprise?

When they had broken up, he couldn’t even bear to drive anywhere near this area much less walk up to it.

He did. Once.

But only he and Baekhyun knew about that time.

He let Sehun press the button of Baekhyun’s floor in the elevator after they had passed by the employees that had stayed behind to work late, strutting here and there and guards that nodded their heads as they passed.

Some Chanyeol recognized. Some he didn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to care that much. Especially when each ding of the elevator brought him closer to the last thing Baekhyun would ever request of him.

Half of him, a part of him he wanted to punch, wished and hoped and expected Baekhyun to be there when the elevator doors opened at his floor. That Sehun and Kyungsoo had only been joking and were sending him here to finally to talk to Baekhyun.

But they wouldn’t do that. That joke would be too cruel.

He tried – no, he forced – himself to remember that Baekhyun was gone and that all that was waiting for him when the doors opened would be an empty office and a full desk.

And it was exactly that they found when they walked into the office.

Sehun turned the lights on and the warm glow filled the room.

Baekhyun’s office, like always, was clean and organized and minimalistic. A drawing table was set to the side and another table, filled with all types of fabric, pins and scissors, was beside it. It was where Baekhyun liked to sit most of the time, brainstorming new designs of whatever fashion line he was thinking up.

Chanyeol had almost always found him bent over there, sketching out a new design, barely registering Chanyeol had entered the room until he had wrapped his arms around his waist.

The vision of Baekhyun turning around in his arms to face him only to bury his face in his chest fills Chanyeol’s mind. He could remember how he’d gently push Baekhyun away to get a look at his face and the way he’d use his thumb to smooth out the crease between his boyfriend’s eyebrows from frowning in concentration before pressing a peck there.

“I brought you your favorite,” Chanyeol would say.

“Well, you’re here, aren’t you?” Baekhyun would respond cheesily, a cheeky grin on his now-glowing face.

But now it was just a cold and empty table, empty without Baekhyun there doing what he loved.

Chanyeol clenched and unclenched his fists, taking a deep breath as he took in the room completely.

“What am I supposed –,”

The question died in his throat when he noticed the suits displayed on mannequins by the floor to ceiling windows by the couch and coffee table where Chanyeol would use to work on his tracks while he waited for Baekhyun to finish before going they went out on a date.

One suit was bigger than the other and Chanyeol knew without a doubt, without even checking the size or the fit or the measurements that it was meant to be his. And the smaller one by its side,

That.

That was for Baekhyun.

Chanyeol made his way toward the pair of suits, impeccable and perfect in every way – exactly something he would’ve worn at his wedding. And he could practically see Baekhyun in the one he had made for himself, too.

His hands started shaking as he reached out to touch the material, the only sound in the room his and Sehun’s breathing, the younger man silent far behind him.

“Why?” Chanyeol breathed out as he ran a hand down the tux made for him by Baekhyun. Because no one other than Baekhyun would have made something so perfectly perfect for Chanyeol.

“Why did he make these?”

“I don’t think he ever actually thought you’d be broken up for long. I think, deep down, he knew he loved you too much to just let you go,” Sehun said in a soft voice that Chanyeol barely heard. They were words he barely registered as his heart mended and broke at the same time to hear them.

These suits hadn’t been here the last time Chanyeol had visited six months ago. Then that meant…

That meant that Baekhyun had started hoping again the same time Chanyeol had.

Six Months Ago

“Jongin, I’d rather die,” Chanyeol said blankly into the phone as he fixed himself up a bowl of cereal for lunch.

“C’mon, Yeol. Please, everyone else is busy and this photoshoot is really important,” Jongin pleaded back. The phone he had left on speaker practically vibrating on the marble counter with the force of Jongin’s whines.

“You think I’m not busy?” Chanyeol drawled, picking both the phone and the bowl up to bring with him to the living room where he had already set up his favorite show on Netflix.

“From the sounds of the television in the background, I can tell that you aren’t. Chanyeol, I swear on my life, this isn’t some elaborate plan to get you and Baekhyun to see each other again. You know I wouldn’t call you if it wasn’t important.”

Chanyeol kept silent as he mulled it over. Jongin was one of the very few of his and Baekhyun’s shared friends who still kept in touch with him and even at that, they rarely ever talked now.

Chanyeol had grown used to the silence that had replaced the once pleasant noise of his friends in his life.

When Chanyeol hadn’t answered a few seconds too long for Jongin, his friend sighed dejectedly.

“Baekhyun’s going to kill me,” Jongin said.

Chanyeol rolled his eyes.

“Fine! But I’m throwing whatever it is at his secretary’s face and then I’m leaving,” Chanyeol almost growled at the phone.

Even before Chanyeol had finished talking, Jongin had already started berating him with relieved “thank you”s and “I love you so fucking much, man”s.

“Whatever,” Chanyeol scoffed but deep down, he felt elated that he could do this small thing for Jongin. Well, it wasn’t exactly a small thing but – well. Jongin was like a little brother to him and this was the most conversation they had in a month.

“I’ll go pick up whatever that is at your house in an hour. Just leave it on your table so I won’t go looking for it.”

“You’re a lifesaver. Thanks, again.”

“No problem.”

Just as Chanyeol was about to end the call, Jongin suddenly spoke up again, his tone cautious.

“And Yeol… It wouldn’t hurt to try to talk to him again, you know.”

Chanyeol’s heart hardened into stone like it always did whenever anything about his and Baekhyun’s relationship was mentioned.

“He was pretty clear about what he thought about me the last time we talked so, no,” Chanyeol merely said.

“But it’s been months. Maybe – ”

“Goodbye, Jongin,” Chanyeol cut him off, ending the call before he could hear Jongin say more, leaning back into his couch and glaring at his bowl of cereal.

He didn’t want to talk to Baekhyun. Not now. Now ever.

He wouldn’t know what to say anyway.

An hour and a half later Chanyeol was in his car in front of Baekhyun’s office building, the exclusive suit Baekhyun had lent Jongin, dry-cleaned and in a bag on a hanger in his backseat along with a slice of Baekhyun’s favorite strawberry cake in a box.

Chanyeol hadn’t planned on buying that cake but it had felt weird to drive to his office without passing by the bakeshop he always went to first. Now he had no idea what to do with it as he tapped the steering wheel nervously with a finger.

Jongin had left a note alongside the expensive suit when Chanyeol had gone to pick it up, his friend already long gone on a shoot.

Please, please, please make sure that this gets to Baekhyun. If his secretary isn’t there, you have to give it to him directly. This is really important and he’d kill me if he found out I handed it over to just anyone there. Thank you so much, I owe you one – Jongin

Chanyeol sighed through his nose as he finally opened the door and stepped out of his car, praying to all the higher beings he knew that Baekhyun’s secretary was there so he didn’t have to hand it over personally.

Not even a minute later Chanyeol was striding up the stairs toward the office doors, suit and cake box in hand, cursing himself for not being able to just leave the cake there. He could leave it with the secretary to give to Baekhyun anyway, tell her it was from Jongin as a thank you for the suit.

But, of course, just his luck, Baekhyun’s secretary was nowhere to be found once he got to Baekhyun’s floor.

But Baekhyun was there, bent over the same table he always was, sketching.

And all the breath in Chanyeol’s lungs left at the sight of him there like the utter silence they had given each other during the past six months didn’t happen. Baekhyun’s black-brown hair was as fluffy and soft as it always looked even from a distance and Baekhyun had discarded his jacket on the couch to the side, leaving him in a white button down with his sleeves rolled up.

Chanyeol froze at the open doorway, his heart feeling cold in his chest.

He didn’t know how he would feel when he saw Baekhyun again after that night. Anger? Shame? Grief?

No, right now, all he felt was love and longing and his heart broke with a tiny crack at the feeling, too overwhelming for him to ignore.

There was Baekhyun.

The love of his life, Baekhyun.

The man he wanted to marry and spend forever with.

The man with the heart he had broken and in the process broken his own.

And, as if Baekhyun heard that tiny crack that Chanyeol could hear ringing in his ears, he spoke up, his head still bent over his desk.

“Jongin?”

He couldn’t bring himself to answer but he forced himself to move into the room, slowly so he wouldn’t disturb Baekhyun. So he wouldn’t turn around and notice that it wasn’t Jongin but instead the ex who had taken his heart and ripped it to pieces and had been too much of a coward to try and fix it again.

He wanted a few more seconds to himself, believing that everything was alright between them and that he could walk over there and wrap his arms around Baekhyun’s waist and kiss his forehead just like old times.

“About time,” Baekhyun sighed exasperatedly, still not turning around, now comparing two swatches of fabric in his hands.

 “You should have returned that suit days ago.”

Chanyeol couldn’t think about anything besides how nice it was to hear Baekhyun’s voice again.

Taking a great big gulp of air, Chanyeol forced himself to put on the mask of cocky indifference. The one he wore whenever he saw their friends again.

“I brought you your favorite.”

Chanyeol could quite literally see Baekhyun tense up, his back straightening in shock but still he refused to turn around.

The silence stretched on and on and it felt like hours but if one of them had glanced at the clock, they would have noticed that only a minute had passed – a minute wherein Chanyeol looked around the office, his hands clenching and unclenching by his side and Baekhyun stared at his sketches, wide-eyed but unseeing, his breathing shallow as Chanyeol’s was.

And when Baekhyun spoke again it was so cold, Chanyeol was sure it could freeze Hell over twice.

“Leave the suit there, take the cake with you – I don’t want it – and leave,” Baekhyun said, now sitting up straight but still looking away from Chanyeol. He didn’t need to see to know that Baekhyun was glaring coldly out the window, wearing the same expression the last time he had seen him.

Chanyeol sighed.

“At least let me leave the cake behind,” he said as he put the garment bag over the back of the couch and the cake down on the coffee table.

“No.”

“Why not?” Chanyeol demanded, his temper rising. Anger was easier to understand and to express than the longing.

“Because I don’t want anything from you. Ever. Now, get out.”

A sharp inhale and another clenching and unclenching of his fists.

“I –,” Chanyeol swallowed his next words down. What was there to say?

Baekhyun wanted him out and Chanyeol knew that he didn’t just want him out of his office but out of his life and though it was all his fault, he couldn’t believe it. They’d been dating for 6 years, friends even longer, before Chanyeol made the biggest mistake of his life.

6 years.

He couldn’t just let it end like this.

With Baekhyun unable to even look at him. With them not even being able to talk to each other.

“I just wanted to say that there’s no part of me that hates you and that I hope you’re okay. Not that I’d – I’d ever assume you’re not okay just because of me – but if you’re not okay then that’s understandable. I mean, we did date for a long time – and – well,” Chanyeol stuttered, his words tripping all over themselves.

What was he even saying?

Now, he was glad that Baekhyun didn’t turn around. Chanyeol was probably so red, he looked like a tomato and he didn’t want Baekhyun seeing that. Never mind that he had already embarrassed himself.

He heard Baekhyun sigh and his racing heart dropped dead in his chest.

“Just get out, Yeol,” Baekhyun said, shaking his head.

The rejection that washed through him was so apparent that his knees weakened to the point of wobbling. Chanyeol steeled himself, taking a deep breath and nodding.

“You’re right,” he mumbled mostly to himself before clearing his throat and talking firmly.

“I’m leaving the cake, though. I know how you are. You haven’t eaten anything since you’ve stepped inside this office, haven’t you? I don’t care if you hate me but the strawberry cake never did anything bad to you so you better eat every bite.”

“Please,” Chanyeol added as he started walking out, his heart begging him to stay. His arms begging to reach out and hug Baekhyun close to his chest. Relief bloomed in the middle of all the dejection when Baekhyun no longer argued about the cake.

Chanyeol almost smiled to himself. He knew Baekhyun wouldn’t have been able to resist.

Chanyeol was already out of the room when Baekhyun suddenly spoke again, making Chanyeol look over a shoulder to look at him. Only for him to freeze to find those brown eyes he loved so much, looking back at him.

Baekhyun had finally turned around to look at him.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun had called out softly.

Sure, there was nothing remotely warm in Baekhyun’s gaze. The look he gave him was weary and unforgiving but Chanyeol knew Baekhyun and Chanyeol could have sworn there was a bit of longing reflected in those brown eyes of his.

He looked as beautiful as the day he had left him.

Chanyeol was so shocked that he almost didn’t hear Baekhyun’s next words.

“Take care of yourself, will you? I heard from the guys that you barely do anything other than drink and stare at your laptop these days.”

Chanyeol put slipped his hands into his pockets to hide their trembling, forcing a small smirk on to his face.

“I thought you didn’t want to have anything to do with me.”

“Doesn’t mean I just want you to drop dead,” Baekhyun’s eyes softened just a bit. And the hurt and pain slashing through Chanyeol’s heart softened with it.

“Well, you too, I guess,” Chanyeol said, a small playful smile on his lips. “Eat well and take good care of yourself since I won’t be there to do it for you.”

Baekhyun, to Chanyeol’s surprise, reflected the tentative smile.

“Okay. Now, get out. Please.”

With small, secret smiles on their faces, they turned away from each other and continued on with their day, both their hearts beating a little bit quicker than usual.

Present Time

“Do you know when he started working on these?” Chanyeol murmured just loud enough for Sehun to hear.

“No,” Sehun said, still standing a few feet away to give him his distance even though Chanyeol really needed someone to lean on right now. “He never told us about it whenever we asked. He’d just say it was for a ‘top secret project’.”

Someone’s phone started ringing, making both Sehun and Chanyeol jump in surprise. They exchanged a tired and amused look when they had noticed that both of them had been startled at the sudden noise.

He was just about to check his own pocket when Sehun announced that it was his.

“I have to take this call. I’ll just be right outside this room,” Sehun said, already distracted with whoever was calling as he stepped out of the room and Chanyeol turned back to the suits in front of him.

He didn’t want to admit to himself that those suits would have been perfect for a wedding. For their wedding.

Just then, as Chanyeol ran his hands over the breast pocket of the suit jacket Baekhyun had made for him, a strange crackle of what sounded like paper sounded through the air.

His breath hitching in his throat, his mind convincing his racing heart that it was just nothing, forcing himself not to get any of his hopes up, he slowly pulled out the folded piece of paper. And let out a sound that was somewhere between a whimper and a sob when he saw his name written in Baekhyun’s scrawl on the folded piece of paper.

Baekhyun had left him a letter. Chanyeol put a hand over his mouth to steady his breathing, hands shaking as he did so. He didn’t want to cry. Not yet. He didn’t even know the contents of the letter yet.

He didn’t want to know. Not yet. This was the last piece he had of Baekhyun, he didn’t want it to go just like that.

The words Baekhyun had written for him there, they were the last things Chanyeol was ever going to be told by Baekhyun. The last words he’ll ever receive. And he wasn’t quite ready for that yet.

So he hastily started checking the pockets of the suits. First, his own – the jacket pockets, the pockets on the pants, front and back, checking and double-checking again and again to make sure there was nothing else before moving to Baekhyun’s.

He’d barely slipped his hand into the pocket of the jacket far smaller than Chanyeol’s when his fingers froze at the feel of the familiar shape inside.

Gently, he pulled it out and immediately the tears he had tried so hard to hold back the entire night came pouring out as he dropped to his knees slowly; staring at the ring Baekhyun had left for him there.

So, he hadn’t been the only one thinking of marriage before everything went to shit.

Before Chanyeol went on that stupid week-long vacation his company had invited him to and cheated on Baekhyun when he was drunk off his ass a week before their anniversary.

So many things. He threw so many things away that night. He knew that the moment he woke up beside the woman he couldn’t even remember the face of and panic and realization had filled his heart.

But looking at that ring was like a punch to the face, reminding him of just how much he had thrown away because he couldn’t keep it in his pants.

He stared and stared at it, crying silently. He didn’t dare try to slip it unto his ring finger. The sight of that ring on his finger would break him so thoroughly he’d lie on the floor to cry endlessly.

He felt empty again. If it was even possible, he felt emptier.

Oh God, he had loved Baekhyun so much. And he didn’t even get to be there by his side in his last moments. He didn’t even get to hold his hand or tell him that he would be alright.

Suddenly, he was angry at the unfairness of it all. He was angry at Baekhyun for never saying anything. At their friends for just letting them be. At the world for making Baekhyun sick. But most of all he was angry at himself.

He was so so angry at himself.

He almost tore the letter Baekhyun open as he unfolded it, demanding an answer and an explanation.

Faintly, he could hear Sehun talking to the person on the other side of the phone in low tones, probably being considerate of Chanyeol.

Shakily, Chanyeol began reading the letter.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, I don’t think I’ll ever give it to you anyway. But it’s late and I just finished something I worked so hard on and usually, if everything were still the same, I’d be calling you up right now and telling you all about it and you’d laugh and tell me how proud you are of me before coming to pick me up.

I miss that. And the things we used to do even before we got together.

I miss you a lot.

Chanyeol started crying so much, his hands were shaking and his vision was getting blurry. It was unfair. Baekhyun was being unfair.

Working on these suits made me realize that.

I wish I could show them to you. I thought of you every time I worked on them and I don’t know what that makes me. An idiot for wanting you back, maybe. I’d imagine you giving me comments and telling me what you would want me to do and what not to do. I’d hear you singing as I worked, like you used to do while you sat on the couch with your guitar. When I’d close my eyes, I’d see you smile and breathing suddenly becomes hard.

Admitting it on a piece of paper is easier than I thought it would be. I wish all of this were easier to say in real life. I wonder where we’d both be if only we had the guts to actually talk to each other again.

I guess I’m just afraid of getting hurt and you’re afraid of hurting me again.

But, to be honest, thinking about ‘what if’ hurts more than anything right now and it’s a constant, dull, ache in my chest every time I think about you. And I almost always think about you.

I wanted to marry you. And I know, deep down, you wanted to marry me, too.

That’s what the ring is for.

I had a whole party planned out for it and I was so nervous the whole month I had the ring. Every time you laughed so beautifully and boisterously or told me you loved me with those earnest eyes of yours, I wanted to kneel right then and there and ask you to marry me. But I waited because I wanted it to be something special and now I don’t know if that was a blessing or not because then you cheated on me and…..

When I found out, Chanyeol, my heart ached so painfully I didn’t know what to do.

And until now, I still don’t know what to do.

If I overlook that tiny detail in our relationship (and yeah, compared to everything we’ve been through and how much we loved each other, it is just a tiny detail) I’d remember all the good times we had and how happy I was with you.

How happy I was EACH AND EVERY DAY.

Waking up beside you was the best part of my day and now, the bed is so cold without you. As embarrassing it is to admit, in the mornings, I still reach out for you and not finding you at the tips of my fingers is like punching a hole through my already shriveled heart and I just curl up on my side, convincing myself not to call you.

Working on these suits kept me close to you even though we hadn’t seen each other in months and it makes me slightly sad that they’re finally done and I have no more reason to think of you fondly again.

I miss you a lot.

I still love you. I think. And I’m trying hard not to.

But I’m starting to think that I shouldn’t stop myself at all.

Ugh, this letter is sappy and sad and messy and I’m never letting you read it.

Goodbye, Park Chanyeol.

“Chanyeol?”

For a split second, the voice sounded like Baekhyun’s and if it had been Baekhyun, Chanyeol would have turned around, crawled over to him and begged for his forgiveness but he knew that it wasn’t Baekhyun. Not as Sehun stepped over to his side and kneeled beside him, putting an arm around his shoulders. And Chanyeol, damn him, leaned into that form of comfort as he let himself cry silently.

“Are you okay?” Genuine concern laced the younger man’s tone as he rubbed soothing circles on Chanyeol’s shoulders as he racked with sobs.

Sehun kept quiet as he let Chanyeol cry but he felt as Sehun froze.

“Is that a ring?” Sehun asked, staring at the ring in Chanyeol’s open palm. “Is that – Did you find it here?”

“He left it in a pocket,” Chanyeol managed to croak out, his face crumpling. “Along with a letter.”

He wanted to say something. He wanted to say a lot of things but something held him back. He knew Sehun would have been considerate, he would’ve listened silently as he rubbed soothing circles on his back.

But Chanyeol didn’t feel like he deserved to be comforted right now so he struggled to his feet. Sehun watched him worriedly.

“We can stay here for a few more minutes. So, you can calm down,” Sehun suggested. “I can get you a coffee downstairs and we can talk about it. Then we can go to the funeral home together.”

“No,” Chanyeol shook his head, taking out his handkerchief from his pocket. He’d learned to always bring handkerchiefs along with him from Baekhyun who always seemed to have a runny nose whenever they ate. But he pushed away that thought as he tried to calm himself down, wiping his own tears away.

“I still have somewhere to go. Alone.”

Sehun’s look darkened as his eyes filled with worry but he tried not to show that to Chanyeol, reining in his suspicions.

“I’m not sure leaving you all alone is a good idea, Yeol. Whatever it is, let me come with you. Please.”

“I won’t,” Chanyeol swallowed, his heart already wrenching at the idea that Sehun was thinking the worst. “I’m not going to hurt myself. I’m just going to Baekhyun’s house. There’s something I need to check.”

“Stilll… Let me come with you,” Sehun insisted, stepping forward. “I’ll drive you there and I’ll stay in the car.”

Chanyeol couldn’t muster enough energy to glare at his friend so he sighed in defeat.

“Whatever,” Chanyeol muttered, his heart still left in shreds after reading the letter. Pocketing both the letter and the handkerchief, he debated whether or not he should try the ring on. Try to imagine a world where none of this was happening and seeing that ring on his finger was as natural as breathing.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“About what?”

He could feel himself closing himself off again. He couldn’t deal with his emotions alone but dealing with them with someone else had always been much harder for him. Baekhyun was the only he had felt truly comfortable explaining his feelings to He didn’t think anyone else would understand.

“About all of this.”

Chanyeol just turned away as he slipped the ring meant for him in his pocket, making sure it was safe and secure in there, taking one last look at the pair of wedding suits.

“We miss him too, you know,” Sehun said when neither of them had spoken. “And I don’t think any of us are angry anymore about what you did. We haven’t been for a long time. Baekhyun told us to just forget it ever happened and that he’d deal with it on his own. And it’s not like –.”

Sehun abruptly stopped talking when Chanyeol glanced at him over a shoulder, his eyes dead, his expression dark.

“It’s not like you did it more than once. Like you said, it was just a mistake.”

Where was that kind of assurance and comfort when it still could have made a difference?

“It doesn’t matter now,” Chanyeol said, is voice still thick from crying. “You wanna come with me? Fine. Let’s go.”

And with that, Chanyeol turned and started walking away from an office full of memories and a pair of wedding suits he wasn’t sure he’d ever see again.

The car ride to Baekhyun’s house – once, their house – was spent in silence, broken only once by Sehun, of course. Chanyeol had been content to stare out the window and think about nothing. His thoughts were blank and empty like a looming dark cave that swallowed everything else up.

A cave that echoed Baekhyun’s name every time Chanyeol’s mind so much as whispered it.

“Why do you need to go back to the house?”

“Because I left something there for him to find and forgive me before he threw me out. I guess he never found it since we never patched things up,” Chanyeol answered, not finding any reason for him to lie or stay quiet now.

Sehun glanced at him before quickly returning his gaze to the road.

Chanyeol wanted to drive them himself but when Sehun insisted on doing that as well, Chanyeol conceded. Might as well, Chanyeol thought. He wasn’t so sure he wouldn’t ram the car straight into a tree the first chance he got anyway.

“Can I ask what it was?” Sehun asked.

“Is this your attempt at communication?” Chanyeol sneered out the window half-heartedly.

“It’s getting you to talk, isn’t it?”

Chanyeol sighed, shaking his head.

He’d never told anyone what he’d left at Baekhyun’s apartment – had never really let himself believe it was still there and Baekhyun hadn’t thrown it out the moment he found it.

“It was a ring,” Chanyeol mumbled, taking out the ring Baekhyun had bought got for him and dancing it around his fingers. “I guess we had the same idea at that time.”

Baekhyun probably thought that Chanyeol wouldn’t have ever had the guts to get down on one knee so he had gone and bought him a ring, not knowing that Chanyeol could do anything if Baekhyun was by his side. Even ask him to marry him.

Marrying Baekhyun had been his dream.

When they broke up, Chanyeol had a hard time doing anything beyond eating and sleeping. Had struggled to want anything besides Baekhyun’s forgiveness for almost two years.

“I loved him so much,” Chanyeol said as he stared at the ring, just because he could – just because he missed saying it.

“I love Baekhyun so much.”

“He loved you too, you know. Even at the end, all he wanted was to see you.”

Chanyeol didn’t even try to keep himself together as tears slipped past.

Such a simple thing. Baekhyun wanted such simple things and Chanyeol couldn’t even give him that.

He could have wanted to have more time, more life to live but no –

All he wanted was to see Chanyeol.

The guy who broke his heart just because he couldn’t keep it in his pants when he got drunk.

Chanyeol clenched his fists, the ring in his right hand pressing against skin painfully. He didn’t mind. He deserved it. All the pain the world could give him, he deserved all of it for leaving Baekhyun all alone.

The house felt and looked cold even from the outside.

As Chanyeol stepped out of the car, he was filled with this immense sadness. As if his heart wasn’t already full of nothing but that. But staring at the house he and Baekhyun had lived in for more than three years and finding all the lights and doors and windows shut, it looked unbelievably cold.

There were times, in the year they had been broken up when Chanyeol would get shit-faced drunk and by mistake tell a taxi driver this address instead of his apartment’s and then the sight of Baekhyun in his office through the open window would slap Chanyeol sober. During those times, he’d watch, his heart in his throat, and wait if someone else would suddenly come over and plant a kiss on Baekhyun’s cheek or scold him for working too hard like he used to do.

And when the cold pavement and realization would actually sober him up, he’d scoff at how pathetic he must have looked, gazing longingly at his ex’s window and call for another taxi to take him back to where he actually lived. Not home.

No.

This was his home.

This house he and Baekhyun had bought when they had enough money (of course, they had borrowed some from their parents but they were pretty supportive about it), had been his home the moment he set foot in it, hand in hand with Baekhyun. Even now, cold and barren as it looked, it was his home and sight of it tugged painfully at his heart.

“I don’t have the keys,” Chanyeol said just loud enough for Sehun to hear as he walked to his side.

“See, aren’t you glad that I came? Otherwise you’d be climbing through a window by now,” Sehun said, a faint smile on his face as he dug around his pocket for his keys.

When they met each other’s eyes, Sehun’s smile faded. Probably because Chanyeol looked dead tired and beaten down. And the worry that flickered in his friend’s eyes was enough to wake Chanyeol a bit from his sad thoughts.

“Thank you for coming with me,” Chanyeol said, forcing a smile on his face though he knew Sehun realized it was faked but he also acknowledged that he was trying.

Chanyeol felt better than he did awhile ago in the car, no longer suffocated and guilt-ridden but he knew this breath of air wasn’t going to last long when he was sure that going into that house would hit him with thousands more memories and despite the pain they might bring he wanted to remember them.

Because that was the only way he could see Baekhyun again. Through nothing but memories.

Sehun put a hand on his shoulder and the weight and warmth of it comforted him. One hand and then another and then suddenly Sehun was pulling him in for a hug.

He tensed for all of a second before he melted into the hug.

He needed it, he knew. He’d needed it all throughout the year he had been lonely.

He’d needed his friends and Baekhyun.

And Baekhyun had needed him.

Sehun had always been tall, Chanyeol a bit taller but resting his head on Sehun’s shoulder still required him to stretch his neck a bit but that didn’t bother him – it never did.

“I’m really sorry that we’re bringing him back to you like this,” Sehun murmured as his arms around Chanyeol’s waist tightened.

“Not your fault,” Chanyeol mumbled. And he really needed to realize that it wasn’t his either.

Sehun only nodded mildly and they pulled away, Chanyeol’s body immediately missing the contact.

“I’ll stay out here, like I said,” Sehun said, handing him the keys to the house. “I’ll give you an hour and then we can go to the funeral home together.”

Chanyeol took a deep breath and walked on over to the door as Sehun moved to go back into the car to wait.

Opening to the door he had opened a thousand times before felt different and odd and wrong. Before, he’d feel comforted that he was back at home, that he’d see Baekhyun again and be able to relax. Now, he was scared.

Scared to see everything different. To find things they had picked out thrown away. Pictures with people he didn’t know on the walls. And everything else different.

But when he turned the lights on another crack resounded through his heart to see everything where he had last seen them. Well, not entirely.

The last time he had been here, it was messier. His bag discarded on the floor, the couch pillows in a different arrangement.

Baekhyun with tears streaming down his face.

He closed his eyes tightly.

He didn’t want to remember that day yet.

Looking to his right, a sad smile settled itself on his face when he saw that the shoe rack was still there with all of Baekhyun’s shoes on his side and Chanyeol’s side was left empty. It seemed that Baekhyun couldn’t bring himself to fill up the spaces Chanyeol had left empty.

Well, that made the two of them, then.

He slipped off his shoes and placed them beside Baekhyun’s, right where they were supposed to be.

Chanyeol walked slowly around the living room, breathing in the cold air, but even so, stripping away his jacket because that was what he always did when he got home. He threw it over the back of an armchair.

“Don’t you dare leave that there again.”

A little huff of laughter escaped him as he remembered how Baekhyun used to chide him for leaving his clothes everywhere. He gripped the back of the armchair tightly. Remembering sent another familiar feel of pain in through his heart.

“You know I never leave it here,” Chanyeol would reply, smiling over a shoulder to find Baekhyun there in an oversized shirt and shorts with his arms crossed over his chest. “You just love getting mad at me.”

Baekhyun would let out a harrumph but a hint of a smile would ghost across his lips before he’d move to snuggle into Chanyeol’s open arms.

Now, Chanyeol only stared at the hallway that led to their bedroom, waiting and waiting for Baekhyun to come and chide him. He shook his head after blinking a couple of times, looking over to the kitchen now.

He didn’t think remembering such good and happy memories would hurt as much as it did.

A few years ago (A random, rare, weekend wherein they got to stay in and do nothing)

“Come on, Yeol!” Baekhyun shouted at him, a bowl of strawberries in his hands. “It’s just one! Please! For me.”

They were sat on the couch, facing each other, a movie they had already forgotten about playing on the television.

Chanyeol laughed as he grabbed Baekhyun’s wrists to stop him from pushing the bowl of fruit into his face.

“We both know that just one never means just one with you, Byun. I don’t like strawberries, you know that.”

Baekhyun gasped dramatically.

“Saying you don’t like strawberries is like saying you don’t like me,” Baekhyun whined, making Chanyeol roll his eyes good-naturedly.

“But I love you, Baek. I just don’t like strawberries and you have to respect that.”

Baekhyun turned his body away from Chanyeol and back to the movie, an exaggerated pout that Chanyeol wanted to kiss away on his lips.

“Fine, then, have fun with your strawberry-less life.”

Chanyeol couldn’t help but laugh again as he scooted closer to Baekhyun, pleased that Baekhyun didn’t scoot away, and rest his head on Baekhyun’s.

“Don’t be like that. I don’t force you to eat cucumbers. In fact, I even go out of my way to remove them for you.”

Baekhyun hummed, plopping a whole strawberry in his mouth and Chanyeol blanched at the sourness that must have spread throughout Baekhyun’s mouth. Baekhyun didn’t seem to be affected by the taste.

“You have a point. But cucumbers are disgusting. Strawberries are delicious and I can’t believe you like them.”

“Guess we’ll just agree to disagree,” Chanyeol shrugged.

“Why are we even dating,” Baekhyun shook his head. Chanyeol slipped his arms around Baekhyun’s waist and cuddling up to him.

“You’re the only strawberry I need,” Chanyeol hummed before laughing at the expression on Baekhyun’s face.

“Ew,” Baekhyun blanched jokingly, pulling away from Chanyeol’s hug, making Chanyeol grip him tighter. With a big huff, Chanyeol hoisted Baekhyun half on his lap. Baekhyun shouted in surprise at being lifted, clutching his bowl of strawberries close to his chest for fear of dropping them as Chanyeol only laughed.

When they finally settled down, Baekhyun straddling one of Chanyeol’s thighs and Chanyeol with his legs spread for him – the bowl of strawberries safe and sound in Baekhyun’s hands, his boyfriend glared down at him.

Chanyeol just grinned back.

Just as Baekhyun looked like he was going to scold him, his expression brightened and suddenly he was smiling too and it made Chanyeol’s heart race.

“I have an idea,” Baekhyun said, practically vibrating with excitement.

“Is it us making out or…”

“No, you horndog,” Baekhyun glared at him playfully. “But it could lead there.”

“Pray, tell.”

“I’ll feed you strawber – “

Chanyeol cut him off with a groan before he could finish, Baekhyun slapping him on the arm for it.

“Let me finish. I’ll feed you the strawberries with my mouth and the more strawberries you eat, the closer you get to kissing me.”

Chanyeol pouted up at his boyfriend.

“Can’t I just kiss you without having the strawberries involved?”

“Nope, we come as a package deal.”

Chanyeol sighed in defeat but on the inside he was feeling giddy with how cute Baekhyun was acting. Still, he couldn’t help but scrunch his face up in disgust.

“Is it going to be sweet or sour?”

“I’ll give you a taste test.”

And with that Baekhyun took a big strawberry out of the bunch and instead of plopping it directly into his mouth, took a bite out of it.

“You’re not spitting that into my mouth, are you?” Chanyeol asked, already moving his head away.

Baekhyun rolled his eyes as he swallowed down the strawberry in his mouth before leaning forward and giving Chanyeol a kiss. His lips were wet with the juice from the fruit and as Chanyeol opened his mouth to welcome Baekhyun’s, the sharp tang of the strawberry reaching his tongue the moment that he did.

Chanyeol let out a moan at the taste and the kiss.

After a few more seconds, Baekhyun pulled away just as ruffled as Chanyeol felt, his heart pounding furiously in his chest.

“How did that taste?” Baekhyun asked, smiling victoriously at Chanyeol’s flustered state.

“Good,” Chanyeol admitted, licking his lips.

“Good.”

Baekhyun took another strawberry and put it between his teeth; his lips puckered over it and kept it there. Chanyeol, though dreading the taste leaned forward quite enthusiastically.

Baekhyun with his strawberries was quite a way to pass the time.

Present Time

Chanyeol had finally made it to the kitchen, running his hands lightly across the marble counter he used to sit Baekhyun on and they’d have casual conversations as dinner boiled behind them.

Chanyeol was always the one who cooked for them – Baekhyun trying and failing multiple times to make a decent meal for the both of them. Chanyeol didn’t mind. He enjoyed cooking for his small, hardworking boyfriend.

But there was that one time that Baekhyun had cooked for him and it wasn’t a total disaster.

Two years ago (Chanyeol’s birthday)

Chanyeol had spent many birthdays with his friends but this was the best by far. Not for any particular reason. Chanyeol just felt lighter and happier than he had in months. It made him feel giddy.

They had the dinner that Kyungsoo had cooked; quite the feast for only one person to have cooked it all. But it was the perfect amount for 8 grown men (Yixing had called to wish him a happy birthday because he couldn’t fly out.)

Baekhyun had kept him out all day on a date to keep him distracted while the others decorated his apartment with birthday décors for a 5 year old, a small 2 written with a black marker beside 5 on the birthday banner.

The date was a typical lunch slash shopping date with Baekhyun. He wasn’t expecting anything special for his birthday and Baekhyun hid the surprise very well – finding excuses to stay out longer or discreetly buying things his friends had forgotten to for his party. Like candles or last-minute gag gifts.

When they came home, the lights were turned off and Chanyeol didn’t even want to bother opening them. He just wanted to pull Baekhyun to the bed to cuddle him until they fell asleep. The date had really tired him out but he wouldn’t have objected if Baekhyun had something else in mind (wink wink).

Just as he was about to pad over to the room, dragging Baekhyun with him, Baekhyun dug his heels in just enough to switch the lights on for him. And his friends all jumped out from their hiding places, popping poppers, shouting and giving Chanyeol the scare of his life.

In the seconds it took for all of them to laugh at his reaction, his eyes wide and his hands to his chest, he took them in, his heart still racing.

His busy friends making the time to celebrate his birthday with him, laughing their asses off. It didn’t even matter that they were laughing at him – just the sight of them all together sent a wave of an indescribable feeling through his very veins.

He looked to his side to find Baekhyun smiling there at him, his expression so adoring and full of love that it shocked Chanyeol. He never thought that someone would ever look at him that way. That someone would ever love him that deeply and sincerely.

The surprise party kicked off from there and he’d had the most fun he’d had in years. It was always fun with all of them together.

But despite the incredibly memorable night, it wasn’t his favorite part.

Hours later, when everyone had either passed out in the living room or their guest rooms and Chanyeol and Baekhyun had finished tucking them in with extra blankets, they trudged back to their room exhausted but happy.

When they were finished cleaning up for bed, Chanyeol played a soft song loud enough for them in the room but quiet enough that none outside would hear.

Baekhyun was just clearing something up from his desk when Chanyeol came over to him to wrap his arms around his waist and press a kiss on the side of his neck.

“Thank you so much for tonight,” Chanyeol murmured into Baekhyun’s neck, not missing the way Baekhyun shivered. There were so many things he still could have said but strangely he couldn’t find the words to say them so he tightened his hug on Baekhyun.

“I baked the cake, you know,” Baekhyun said smugly.

Chanyeol stepped back from the back hug only to lean forward and peek at Baekhyun in surprise.

“Really?” Chanyeol exclaimed. “I thought Kyungsoo did that, too. You know it isn’t considered cooking if you only decorated it.”

“Such little faith in me,” Baekhyun scoffed. “Of course I baked the entire cake. It took me the entire morning you were at work. I snuck Kyungsoo in to help.”

“Promise you didn’t make him do everything?”

Baekhyun glared at him but the gaze softened when he saw that he was smiling at him gratefully, all traces of humor gone.

“Thank you,” Chanyeol said again, giving Baekhyun a peck on the lips before moving back to that back-hug.

He felt Baekhyun’s slight weight pressing unto his chest when he leaned back into him to sink deeper into the hug as Baekhyun lifted a hand tread his beautiful fingers in his hair.

“Happy birthday, again,” Baekhyun said, twisting around and giving him a soft and sweet peck on the cheek.

 Chanyeol beamed down at him, still at a loss for words. Baekhyun was wearing his usual sleeping attire of an oversized shirt and boxers but Chanyeol couldn’t help but think he looked even more beautiful now more than ever.

“Can I ask for one more gift?” He found himself asking. The thought had crossed his mind just now and now he couldn’t get the idea out of his head.

Baekhyun gave him a playful smile.

“It’s not like I’ve already given you enough gifts,” Baekhyun said jokingly before shaking his head and pressing both of his hands on Chanyeol’s cheeks.

“Anything,” Baekhyun whispered. “Anything.”

Chanyeol covered Baekhyun’s hands on his cheeks with his, almost dwarfing them, and sliding them to shoulders and settling them there as he moved his own hands to Baekhyun’s waist.

“Dance with me.”

Baekhyun blinked at him surprise before his face lit up with a bright smile, moving closer and comfortably draping his arms over Chanyeol’s shoulders and linking his fingers behind Chanyeol’s nape, pulling him down gently.

Chanyeol was expecting a kiss, bending down to receive it but it never came. Instead, Baekhyun nuzzled his nose into his, chuckling under his breath. An eskimo kiss.

“You want such simple things, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun breathed as he pulled away. “Of course, I’ll dance with you.”

And with that they began swaying to the music, left and right. Nothing fancy but there was something intimate about it. When he was younger, at school dances, he couldn’t seem to look at the girls he got partnered with, too shy to do so. But with Baekhyun in his arms, he couldn’t seem to look away.

“I don’t always want simple things,” Chanyeol tried to argue just for the sake of it. Just to see that familiar smile on Baekhyun’s lips.

Baekhyun, of course, rose to the challenge.

“Yeah? Name me one thing you want right now that isn’t so simple.”

“You.”

Baekhyun stuttered in his steps and Chanyeol could hear the way his breath hitched in his throat and he marveled in the way Baekhyun suddenly reddened.

“Flirt,” Baekhyun muttered.

Chanyeol let out a laugh, leaning forward to nuzzle into Baekhyun’s sweet-smelling fluffy hair.

“I’ll always want you. Always love you. And sometimes loving you is so simple that it’s as easy as breathing but then you do something that makes my heart race even after all these years and I realize that a life with you will never be simple. You’re so full of surprises that I’m sure every day with you will be an adventure and I know that each and every day, you’ll find a new way to make me love you more. So, no, you’re not simple, Byun Baekhyun. You’re extraordinary. And you’re all I want.”

It had crossed his mind a few times but as he was saying that whole impromptu speech he realized, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Baekhyun. And he likely was going to and nothing was going to stop him.

He was going to marry Byun Baekhyun.

Baekhyun slid his hands down from his shoulders to around his torso and giving a full-out hug. Chanyeol returned the hug ten-fold, crushing their bodies together.

Baekhyun let out a huff of laughter but Chanyeol could hear that it was shaky.

“Are you crying?” Chanyeol asked in disbelief, his grip loosening to take a look but Baekhyun only pressed himself on Chanyeol’s chest harder.

A sniff.

“I’m not,” Baekhyun’s muffled voice said, making Chanyeol chuckle.

“If you say so,” Chanyeol hummed, moving one of his hands to caress Baekhyun’s head, still swaying them back and forth.

Chanyeol pressed a kiss on top of Baekhyun’s hair, whispering,

“I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Baekhyun answered without hesitation.

Present Time

Chanyeol switched on the lights of their room, pausing under the doorway when he saw that not much had changed. Everything was where it should have been. Even the photographs in their frames on the dresser were all still the same.

Chanyeol didn’t know what he expected but it wasn’t this.

Did Baekhyun never move on?

Did he spend his nights, lying awake on their bed, hoping against hope that Chanyeol would knock on the door and everything would go back to the way it used to be?

Like the way Chanyeol spent most of his nights doing.

Or did Baekhyun, knowing he didn’t have much time left, forgive him and hoped they’d get to make up before everything went to shit – stopped denying that he still loved him and fixed everything the way it used to look like?

Chanyeol wondered if that had brought him a small amount of comfort. Seeing everything where they should have been, only Chanyeol missing, but Baekhyun could easily think that he was away for work.

Nevermind that the last time Chanyeol had been away for work for a long time he ended up cheating on him.

He frowned deeply, unable to repress the feelings and the memories that came with it.

That day

Chanyeol’s head was whirling as he stepped into the apartment, dead-tired and full of self-loathing. It was almost a relief to see Baekhyun there, awake despite the late hour, sitting on the stools in front of the kitchen countertop, his back turned to Chanyeol.

He wanted to run to him and wrap his arms around his waist and drag him to bed so they could get some well deserved sleep.

But he didn’t deserve that, he knew.

Baekhyun seemed to be completely engrossed in his work, bent over a few sketches, earphones set snugly in his ears, closed off from the rest of the world. Just music and his designs.

Chanyeol didn’t want to disturb him, not when he was concentrating, but he hardly had a choice.

Dropping his bags gently on the floor, Chanyeol crept up on his boyfriend and swiftly gave him a peck on the cheek, laughing at the shock on Baekhyun’s face despite the despair that filled his heart. The nervousness that had him nearly shaking.

Chanyeol walked around the counter and into the kitchen, getting himself a glass of water and trying to hide the trembling already starting in his hands.

“Welcome home,” Baekhyun said lovingly from behind him.

He could keep it a secret. No one would have to know. It was just a one time thing. It’s not like He was going to do it again.

The thought slammed into Chanyeol so quick it almost made him drop his glass of water. He turned around, plastering a smile on his face as he brought the glass to his lips, taking a great big gulp. He found himself wishing the water sliding down his throat was the familiar burn of alcohol. He didn’t think he could do this completely sober.

“I missed you,” Chanyeol said after his drink, keeping that fake smile on his face. But the sight of Baekhyun smiling at him sweetly, his cheek on a hand and his eyes crinkling at the side, made his heart flutter and race for two completely different reasons.

“I missed you, too. How was the trip?”

Terrible, Chanyeol wanted to say.

“The usual. Just a workshop with the idols and other producers. Nothing much happened.”

Except for the fact that I might have cheated on you while heavily intoxicated.

But that was no excuse.

Baekhyun hummed, looking back down at his papers, getting lost in them again before pulling himself back to look at study Chanyeol more.

“Are you sure? You look a bit worn out.”

“Well, it might have been a bit more tiring than usual,” Chanyeol amended, suddenly unable to look at Baekhyun in the eye.

Baekhyun hopped down from his seat, arranging his drawings neatly in one pile, placing his pencil case on top of the stack to keep it there before walking over to Chanyeol. Chanyeol watched him silently, a war going on in his head whether or not to just speak up and tell Baekhyun right then and there. Half of him strained to just drop down to his knees and beg for forgiveness and the other half stopped him doing exactly that.

Baekhyun was glowing with such happiness at finally having him back after a week and Chanyeol didn’t want to ruin that.

Tomorrow. He’d tell him tomorrow, Chanyeol promised himself.

Baekhyun now looked up at him from where he stood right in front of him. Their height difference was something Chanyeol had always found endearing and this time was no different despite the amount of miserable thoughts in his head.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Baekhyun asked, reaching up to rest a hand on his cheeks. It took everything in Chanyeol not to flinch away.

Baekhyun had done nothing wrong.

It was all Chanyeol. He was disgusted with himself. He didn’t feel as though he deserved to touch Baekhyun much less have Baekhyun touch him out of his own accord.

Chanyeol took Baekhyun’s hand off of his cheek with his own, pressing a kiss on the back of it, pouring all of his apologies into that kiss before pulling it away.

“I’m fine, sweetheart. Now, let’s get to bed. I’ll unpack tomorrow. ”

Baekhyun nodded and, keeping a tight grip on Chanyeol’s hand, turned and started towing him to their room. Baekhyun went straight for the bed but Chanyeol hesitated, pulling the both of them to a stop.

“I’ll go take a quick shower,” Chanyeol amended, pointing to the bathroom behind him.

“You better,” Baekhyun wrinkled his nose at him playfully. “You smell weird.”

Chanyeol made a face at him before going to grab a pair of sleeping clothes from his dresser and walking to the bathroom. Once he had closed the door and Baekhyun could no longer see him, he let out a sigh and rested his forehead on the cool bathroom wall.

He couldn’t understand how people who cheat on their lovers could ever stomach it much less keep it a secret. He couldn’t even handle being in his own skin right now. He wanted to wash all traces off what happened that night away. He’d done it several times since it had happened but he still felt dirty and disgusting and wretched.

After scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing away at himself, he finally emerged from the bathroom bringing with him a huge cloud of steam.

He found Baekhyun on the bed on his back, playing a game on his phone. Baekhyun looked up at him the moment he exited the bathroom, a pout on those lips of his.

“You said you’d be quick.”

“Well, I didn’t want you to complain about my smelling weird again.”

Chanyeol plopped down on the bed by Baekhyun’s feet, rubbing his hair dry with a towel before lying down.

Baekhyun rose to his knees and took the small towel from him.

“Let me do it,” Baekhyun said softly.

Chanyeol let him.

“Are you sure everything’s alright at work? You seem a little down.”

He was glad Baekhyun couldn’t see him as he dried his hair. If he had, he might have noticed quite quick the misery in his eyes. His heart involuntarily starts to race at the possibility of being caught before he was ready.

“Like I said, I’m just tired, Baek.”

“Well, then,” Baekhyun took the towel off his head. “Let’s go to sleep, hm?”

Then, Chanyeol was being pulled down on the bed and into Baekhyun’s arms.

Unable to stop himself, Chanyeol snuggled in deeper into Baekhyun’s hold, everything falling into place. His nerves calming as they always did when Baekhyun held him.

Without being asked to, Baekhyun started singing. A lullaby.

Chanyeol closed his eyes, his throat tightening in an effort not to cry.

Tomorrow.

He’d tell Baekhyun tomorrow.

Chanyeol could never sleep when it was too hot and Baekhyun could never sleep whenever it got too cold. They’d had a petty argument on it before but they’d come to the compromise of leaving a window open on the hot nights and if the breeze was too cold, Baekhyun had Chanyeol’s permission to steal all the blankets or cuddle as closely to Chanyeol as he wanted.

With the morning breeze as freezing as it was that day, Chanyeol expected Baekhyun to be latched on to him like a koala, his face buried in the crook of his neck and their legs tangled together – but Baekhyun’s snuggling was nowhere to be found.

In fact, even as Chanyeol stretched out his long limbs, still with his eyes closed, and tried to look for his boyfriend he was nowhere to be found.

“Baekhyun?” He called out, pushing himself into a seated position, rubbing at his eyes. He had wanted to spend the day in bed with Baekhyun, sleeping or not.

He froze at the thought of having sex with Baekhyun; his eyes fluttering open the guilt slamming into him like being dipped into freezing waters.

The moment his eyes opened, they landed on Baekhyun who sat on the armchair by the bookshelves and the window, usually where they sat whenever they wanted some time to think – Chanyeol when he was stuck with composing and Baekhyun when he felt like a part of his design was incomplete.

Baekhyun was looking back at him with an unreadable expression.

“Baby?” Chanyeol frowned at him worriedly. 

“Don’t call me that.”

Baekhyun spoke so quietly Chanyeol barely heard him.

But he did and it made him pause from sliding off of the bed, confusion and anxiety mixing in with the dull throb of guilt in his heart.

Chanyeol’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, unsure of why Baekhyun looked so angry, there could have been many reasons but then his eyes noticed the phone on the table beside Baekhyun. His phone.

And then it occurred to him that Baekhyun might’ve found out. How, he didn’t know. But Chanyeol knew Baekhyun found out.

“You – ” Chanyeol began but cut himself off, unsure of what to say.

Baekhyun’s eyes flashed at that.

“I what?” Baekhyun narrowed his eyes at him, his voice still soft, now sounding almost pained.

When Chanyeol didn’t try to say anything else, Baekhyun did.

“You know,” he began, his voice dead and without the usual liveliness Baekhyun had. “If you were tired of me, you could have just said something.”

So many excuses and explanations ran through Chanyeol’s head at that moment but he couldn’t speak out any of them, terrified that he might say the wrong thing. He bit his tongue so hard he was sure it was going to start bleeding any moment now.

But it was clear that Baekhyun was waiting for a response this time and Chanyeol wasn’t going to find a way out of it.

“It isn’t like that,” Chanyeol said, pleading with his eyes, looking directly at Baekhyun. Only at Baekhyun.

“I swear, Baek. It was nothing like that. I got drunk and one thing led to another and…” Chanyeol trailed off again, watching as Baekhyun’s expression grew stonier and somehow more hurt, more pained.

“I’m sorry.”

The sound of Baekhyun’s scoff of disbelief shot through Chanyeol’s defenses, making him want to curl up into a ball and cry himself back to sleep.

“You’re sorry.”

“I am It was a mistake an – “

“A mistake?” Baekhyun pinned him where he was with an even colder stare. “What? Did you trip and accidentally slip it in? Did you go, ‘Oops! Well, since we’re here, should we just fuck anyway?’ ”

Chanyeol winced.

Baekhyun really did have a sharp tongue when he needed to.

“How did you find out?”

“I think the better question is, how long were you planning on hiding it from me?”

“I wasn’t going to hide it from you,” Chanyeol said in exasperation, splaying his arms wide open before running his fingers through his hair. “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to hurt you – ”

“Because keeping it from me was going to be so much better. You are so sweet.” The sarcasm lacing Baekhyun’s tone irked a part of Chanyeol that always hated whenever Baekhyun got bitchy.

“Will you please let me finish talking,” Chanyeol snapped before he could stop himself.

With a sharp inhale and an even sharper glare his way, Baekhyun stood up from the chair and stormed out of the room.

Chanyeol stumbled off of the bed, pulling the sheets that had tangled around his legs in a hurry, almost falling a couple of times as he tried to chase after Baekhyun.

“Wait!” He yelled once he had jumped out of the bed, making a racket of running out of the room. “Please! I want to talk about this.”

He saw Baekhyun whirl around from the end of the hall, his eyes blazing with fury and barely contained tears. The sight was enough to make him stop.

“You want to talk about this?! Fine!” Baekhyun yelled back, making Chanyeol flinch. “How was the sex? Was it better?”

Chanyeol stared at him in shock.

“I said,” Baekhyun almost growled. “Was it better?”

“What? No!” Chanyeol stuttered, caught off-guard by the question.

“I thought you wanted to talk about it,” Baekhyun seethed, stomping back to him. “So, let’s talk about it! Was he better?”

“She,” Chanyeol corrected under his breath. And immediately he knew he had said the wrong thing because he saw Baekhyun freeze long enough for Chanyeol to finally glance up from where he was glaring at the ground.

And it was the first time Chanyeol had ever seen such an expression on Baekhyun’s face. He couldn’t even find the words to describe the hurt that flashed there. The utter betrayal.

Not at the fact that Chanyeol had slept with a girl. He knew Baekhyun couldn’t give a damn about who he had slept with. No. That expression on his face was all because Chanyeol had slept with anyone else other than him. That Chanyeol had acknowledged the fact that he had cheated without even hesitating.

The anger in Baekhyun’s eyes dulled, being replaced by a look of vulnerability and sadness and it broke Chanyeol’s heart so thoroughly he found it hard to breathe.

“Baekhyun, please,” Chanyeol breathed out, tears prickling the edges of his eyes. He couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t bear seeing that expression. “Please let me explain.”

At that, Baekhyun’s face turned stony again and he didn’t even say another word before walking away again.

“You aren’t even going to talk to me anymore?” Chanyeol asked pitifully, following after him into the living room where Baekhyun sat down, crossing his arms across his chest and glaring to the side, refusing to look at Chanyeol in the eyes.

Usually, Baekhyun acting that way was cute and teasing and light and easy but now Chanyeol could feel him slipping away, closing himself off. Panicking, Chanyeol tried to grasp at whatever he could think off, never mind that they were all stupid and would all likely lead to more damage and hurt.

“I’m so sorry, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol began. “I never meant to hide it from you. I wanted to tell you the moment I woke up after that night. I felt so disgusted with myself and shit, Baek, I know. I know what I did was wrong but I swear – I swear – to you that it was just a drunken mistake and she doesn’t mean anything to me.”

When Chanyeol finished talking, Baekhyun stood shakily.

“And yet she was worth ruining our relationship over,” Baekhyun said, exhaling tiredly and shaking his head. “I think you should go.”

Chanyeol looked at him in disbelief.

“So, you’re just going to throw all of this away?”

Baekhyun met his heartbroken gaze with his own.

“I’m throwing it away? Chanyeol, you were the one who slipped up. You were the one who cheated on me.”

“It was a mistake! I didn’t mean to do it!”

“You don’t get it, Chanyeol!” Baekhyun raised his voice, unable to contain it any longer. Tears finally slipping down his cheeks. Tears Chanyeol wanted to kick himself in the balls for causing.

“I don’t care that it was mistake. I don’t care that you didn’t mean to do it. I just care that you did. You have no idea how I felt when I woke up this morning, ready to make you breakfast because I knew you must be tired, only to find that text. ‘When were you planning on calling me back, baby? Don’t you want a round two?’”

Chanyeol blanched, his stomach dropping at the words but he didn’t dare interrupt.

“Do you have any idea how dirty and used and fucking heartbroken I felt as I looked at you sleeping there so peacefully, imagining someone else in your arms, just as naked as you were? I don’t think I can stop seeing it, Chanyeol. I don’t think I’ll ever get the image out of my head.”

And for a few seconds, they just stared at each other, red in the eyes, sniffing.

Softly, Chanyeol started talking again.

“It’s one of my fears, you know. Whenever, I’m away,” he started. Shakily admitting something he had never admitted to anyone else. “That you’d find someone else. That you’d grow tired of me. Why wouldn’t you?”

“Don’t try and act like the victim here, Yeol.”

“I’m not. I’m trying to say that I get where you’re coming from and I get that I hurt you. And I’m truly sorry for that.”

“Let’s say I’d slept with someone else. I did it behind your back and you had to find about it from someone else other than me. Would you have been able to forgive me?”

Immediately, images of Baekhyun with someone else started filling his head and each one of them made him want to shatter something but he didn’t take his eyes off of Baekhyun, letting himself feel the pain Baekhyun was feeling.

“Yes,” he finally answered after a few seconds.

“Bullshit.”

“Yes,” Chanyeol said firmly, stepping closer after finally building up the courage to. “Yes, I’d be able to forgive you. Because it’s you, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun’s eyes softened just a bit at that.

Soon, Chanyeol was close enough to Baekhyun to touch and so he did. He caressed his cheek and then his neck, planting kisses in every area he had touched and for a second he thought it was over and that Baekhyun was finally willing to give him a chance but then Baekhyun began flailing and pushing him away.

“No! Stop” Baekhyun shouted and Chanyeol stepped away, flinching his hands away.

“You can’t just kiss me and touch me and expect it all to go away!” Baekhyun sobbed at him.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” Chanyeol said, stepping and looking away, ashamed.

And then, again, that deafening silence between them that was filled with each other’s agitations and fears and sadness and guilt stretched on for a few minutes until Baekhyun dropped back unto the couch.

“I really think you should go, Chanyeol.”

And the way Baekhyun said it. The tired finality of it made Chanyeol realize that he might not be able to fix this.

“Wait, wait, wait,” He dropped to his knees in front of Baekhyun who promptly turned his face away. “Please, there’s got to be some way I can make it up to you, Baekhyun. Please.”

Baekhyun didn’t give him an answer but the pleading was having its effect on him, Chanyeol could see from the fresh wave of tears that slipped down his cheek.

“I can’t imagine my life without you, Byun Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun let out a sob at that, grabbing his head gently and pressing an even gentler kiss on the top of his head before standing up and leaving him there kneeling on the floor and walking into his office, locking the door behind him.

Chanyeol didn’t have the energy to follow.

He had thought that the break would only last for few weeks, that they’d just both needed a breather but then Kyungsoo had arrived at Jongin’s doorstep, where Chanyeol had been staying, with most of his stuff. Nothing but a cold glare thrown his way before dropping them off there and leaving, never having spoken a word.

The weeks stretched into months and then two years and for those two years, Chanyeol never stopped hoping. Not really.

He never stopped blaming himself either.

Present Time

Every thought in Chanyeol’s mind eddied away as he saw what was on the nightstand, his mind completely denying it.

He approached it slowly, his already broken heart breaking farther at the sight.

The small box looked even smaller in his hand as he reached out to pick it up. He opened the lid and he let out a shaky exhale.

There was no mistaking it. It was the ring he had bought for Baekhyun just weeks before they had broken up. The silver band with a single diamond embedded in the center shone under the light.

So, Baekhyun had found it.

Chanyeol had stashed it in one of the boxes in their closet. One of those boxes wherein they’d just throw in whatever they never really used but could never throw away. He had buried it deep under all those miscellaneous stuff and put the box on the highest shelf to the side. But somehow Baekhyun had still found it.

He ran his finger across the silver delicately, imagining the way it would have looked on Baekhyun’s pretty finger.

Did Baekhyun try it on when he found it, weeping the way Chanyeol had when he found Baekhyun’s ring for him?

Chanyeol wished he could have asked Baekhyun, could have explained. Could have proposed properly.

Before he knew it, tears were already running down his cheeks. He’d never been really good at suppressing tears and tonight was no exception. Every wall, every part of his heart had broken so thoroughly he didn’t know if it would ever stop aching.

Sniffing, Chanyeol turned and gently took a seat down on the bed and bowed his head, letting every ounce of sorrow and pain reflect in the amount of tears that he sobbed. He wanted to curl on his side and cry himself to sleep, hugging the rings to his chest, and hope that he’d wake up and feel nothing.

It was better than feeling… all of this. He wanted it all to go away.

He was ready to do just that until he noticed the paper where the ring box he still held tightly in his hand had been resting on. Chanyeol had thought it just a random piece of paper Baekhyun had placed the box on but a second glance had him noticing his name scrawled on top in Baekhyun’s handwriting.

Another letter.

Another letter Baekhyun had written for him.

He didn’t think he could take another ounce of heartache but he had to.

With a shaky inhale, he reached for the letter and unfolded it. Baekhyun’s familiar messy scrawl greeted him.

Chanyeol,

I love you.

I don’t know any other way to start this letter. Besides, I would feel more at ease if you knew that. That I loved you and that I love you still, 614 days since that day. Yes, I kept track. That’s how much I missed you every single day that passed. I’ve never been good with writing heartfelt letters. You were always the one who was good with words – with your fancy, heartbreaking lyrics and flirty, heart-racing lines. What was I ever good at? Sewing? I couldn’t very well sew my last message for you, could I? Well, I could have…but that would have taken me forever. And I’ve quickly come to realize that I don’t have forever.

No. I have much, much less than that.

I didn’t expect it, you know. The heart disease. Guess, you didn’t have to come around for my heart to get broken, huh? Hehe.

Much, much less than forever and I regret not spending every second of it with you.

I spent more than a decade of my life with you, first as friends and then as lovers, and even after everything we’ve been through, I still don’t think I spent enough time with you. I’m never going to feel as if I spent enough time with you.

During the first months after we broke up, when you were drinking yourself to a stupor on a daily basis (the guys told me), I spent every moment trying to make myself hate you. I really believed that I’d stop loving you at some point.

We talked about it so much when we were younger. About how much I would hate it if someone ever cheated on me, how I’d break up with them immediately. I used to tell you that no one who truly loved me would ever stomach hurting me that way.

But you did. Even though you loved me as much as you said you did. Even though you bought me a ring and you planned on asking me to marry you, you still broke my heart.

And yet…Despite all that, I couldn’t bring myself to hate you. I couldn’t stop myself from loving you and worrying about you every time you crossed my mind. I hated that I still loved you. That I couldn’t move on from you even if you had done to me what I had told myself I wasn’t going to let anyone do to me.

 It hurt when you broke my heart, Park Chanyeol and I didn’t think I could ever survive it again if I took you back. So, I found excuses not to contact you. Little excuses to avoid picking up the phone every time you called me when you were drunk. But just in case, I sent some of the others to visit you from time to time just to check on how you were doing. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it myself. I just didn’t want to have to see you with somebody else in case you had moved on.

When I found the ring you hid from me in the closet while I was cleaning, I thought I was going to give in and call you right there. I cried for the first time since we broke up and I couldn’t stop. I had to call Kyungsoo and have him take care of me because I didn’t even want to leave the bed. I can’t believe we planned on asking each other to get married. We even bought matching rings without knowing. The thought left me confused and missing you and I had to excuse myself from work.

But eventually I got up again and I couldn’t stop thinking about what could have happened if we hadn’t broken each other’s hearts. That’s when I started working on the suits, just sketches and possibilities nothing more. But then you were there with my favorite strawberry cake and I wanted so badly to go to you and I… couldn’t get you out of my mind again. So, I continued working on the suits, remembering everything about us.

Because our relationship was more than the break-up. More than you cheating on me. Yeah, we argued a lot but we loved each other much much more. There were definitely a lot more good memories than bad. And I realized that still loving you despite what had happened might not have been a bad idea.

I’m sorry for throwing it all away the way you accused me of doing that day. I’m sorry for being too scared to say this earlier before all of this happened. And now, I’m sorry for leaving you. I hate that I’m going to, without even saying a proper goodbye.

But I think it’s better this way. That you remember me the way that you do. Happy and healthy and handsome and yours. Always yours, Park Chanyeol.

Forget about our broken hearts and keep the memories worth keeping. We deserve that much.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

Love,

Baekhyun

Chanyeol didn’t know when he started crying. He just knew that he couldn’t stop. Sobs racked through his body, making it incredibly hard to breathe.

I love you,too, Baekhyun had said the night Chanyeol had let the words slip accidentally as they walked home from dinner. It was the first time either of them had said ‘I love you’ to each other as more than friends and Chanyeol remembered how much he wanted to cry from pure joy.

Now, he kept wiping at his face but the tears didn’t stop so he lay on his side and cried and cried and cried until he fell asleep, his thoughts filled with Baekhyun and only Baekhyun, forcing himself to remember and memorize every single memory he had of him.

Dreams were always better than reality for Chanyeol for the past months. This one wasn’t special.

But, somehow, it hurt that much more.

He was walking down the aisle, steady and sure-footed but his heart, even in the dream, pounded like crazy with anticipation and nerves and happiness. Because he was getting married.

He didn’t need to look down to know that he was wearing the suit his fiancé had made him from a world away. Instead, he kept his gaze forward, immediately noticing that he wasn’t walking from the back but rather from the side of the church. The blurred faces of his family and friends were to his left and the altar, still a few meters away, was to his right.

Then his eyes focused to a figure walking opposite him, toward the altar, toward him.

Byun Baekhyun. The love of his life. Wearing the suit he had designed from himself and the brightest smile Chanyeol had ever seen on him.

When their eyes met, his eyes crinkled at the sides the way they always did whenever Baekhyun smiled at him.

This. Marrying Baekhyun and everything that came after. It was all Chanyeol wanted – everything he needed.

But at the back of his mind he knew he’d never have this.

Soon, they reached the altar and Chanyeol couldn’t stop a few tears from slipping down the side of his face. Everything around them blurred away as if it already took all of Chanyeol’s dreaming to dream up Baekhyun as he was.

Chanyeol tried to drink it in – the sight of Baekhyun in his wedding suit, standing in front of him smiling brightly with no tear in sight.

Baekhyun rarely cried. It was why Chanyeol couldn’t handle it when he had been the one who made him cry that day.

Even now, on their wedding day, he smiled as Chanyeol cried his heart out. He wanted to reach out and touch Baekhyun, hug and hold him close but he was scared to find out that all of this wasn’t real. He was scared that he’d reach out to touch Baekhyun only to feel nothing.

Dream Baekhyun looked at him in concern and in amusement. God, Chanyeol missed Baekhyun looking at him and smiling at him.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun said, smiling up at him sadly. Grief hit Chanyeol as hard as reality did and he had to bring a hand to his mouth to keep himself from crying out.

I can’t do it. I can’t. Chanyeol’s mind repeated over and over.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Chanyeol looked away. He was wrong, seeing this scene play out in a dream when he knew it was never going to happen in real life hurt more than he thought.

The next time he opened his eyes he was sprawled on their bed, the soft morning light lighting up the room. But it felt different. He didn’t have the looming pressure of guilt, self-pity and sorrow on his chest and it felt like he could breathe again.

He took a deep breath and let it out just as leisurely. He wondered when he’d ever feel this peaceful again, just taking one breath after another. As his gaze roamed around the room it landed on someone with his back turned to him, sitting at the foot of the bed, looking out the window to the side.

Chanyeol’s breathing hitched in his throat.

 “Baekhyun,” he breathed out.

And some twisted part of Chanyeol’s fears thought Baekhyun wouldn’t hear him – that he’d just keep staring at the window as if waiting for something. But he did and he turned to Chanyeol with the pretty, mindless smile he usually gave him in the mornings.

“Good morning,” Baekhyun said softly.

And it felt normal and real and Chanyeol couldn’t stop himself from springing up the bed and wrapping his arms around Baekhyun the way he couldn’t for more than a year. And it made Chanyeol breathless when he actually felt him in his arms.

He smelled the same and felt the same. His hair as soft as ever. It made Chanyeol wrap around him tighter.

And to his heart’s surprise, Baekhyun let out a laugh, patting the arm Chanyeol had around his chest.

It all felt so real.

Maybe it was.

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol said again, burying his face in Baekhyun’s hair. He couldn’t say anything else, just his name, over and over again as Baekhyun rubbed his arms comfortingly. It took him a moment to realize that he was crying and that he was getting Baekhyun’s sweater all wet but he didn’t care.

Baekhyun was here. With him.

After a few minutes, Baekhyun finally twisted around to look at him, stretching out the sleeves of his sweater so it covered his hands as he reached out to wipe away Chanyeol’s tears.

Chanyeol kept his gaze on him the whole time, afraid that if he looked away Baekhyun would disappear again.

“You’ll be fine,” Baekhyun kept saying to him and a part of Chanyeol wanted so badly to believe him.

When he had finally calmed down, Baekhyun sat back on his legs, smiling at him amusedly.

“I thought you’d be too drunk to dream,” Baekhyun chuckled lightly.

Chanyeol pouted at him but he marveled at the possibility of talking to him normally again. He still couldn’t get a word out. He just stared and stared in disbelief.

Baekhyun’s smile softened.

“How have you been?” Since I died. Baekhyun didn’t say the second part but Chanyeol knew what he meant. He froze again like he’d probably keep doing in the next months to come without Baekhyun.

When Chanyeol didn’t answer, Baekhyun’s smile turned sad.

“You’re going to have to face it one way or another.”

“Let’s not go there,” Chanyeol said, his heart dropping to his stomach. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

 Baekhyun, like always, didn’t listen to him. His stubborn ass was sometimes endearing, sometimes infuriating.

“How are the others?” Baekhyun asked instead.

“If you’re so worried, you shouldn’t have left in the first place.” He had wanted to sound angry but all he sounded like was hurt and broken.

Baekhyun’s expression scrunched up in grief.

“I didn’t want to leave,” he said. “I wanted to see you first but I guess I gave out.”

Chanyeol sniffed and looked away.

“I’m sorry I never visited you and that I never cared enough to even check on you. I was just so scared that we’d fight again and you’d throw me out on my ass. I never expected you to be sick.”

“You and me both, babe,” Baekhyun laughed out but it faded when he noticed the unamused expression on Chanyeol’s face.

“I was dreaming of you, you know,” Baekhyun said, softer than before. “The night I died.”

Chanyeol winced.

“It’s the last thing I remember. You and me in the apartment and doing nothing of importance. Just lying on the couch, bickering like we usually do, as I rested my chin on your chest. You looked so handsome and you were all mine.”

I was never anyone else’s but yours, Chanyeol thought.

Their gazes met again and Baekhyun’s eyes softened.

“I must have wanted it to be true so bad that I didn’t want to wake up in a world where you weren’t mine anymore.”

“But you left me in a world where you weren’t anything anymore. Just a cold, dead, body that I can’t even bring myself to look at,” Chanyeol said, aggravated.

“I guess we both have things to be sorry for.”

“I never meant to hurt you,” Chanyeol shook his head, biting his wobbling lip. “I read your letters. You have to know that I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know,” Baekhyun said soothingly, scooting closer to hold Chanyeol’s hands in his, staring down at their intertwined fingers. “I never meant to ruin our relationship either. I should have given you a second chance the moment I realized that I was being stupid.”

As Baekhyun looked at their hands, Chanyeol stared at him. Only ever at him.

“You weren’t being stupid, though. You had every right to break up with me. I knew that. You don’t have to apologize for anything.”

“I have to apologize for leaving, then. For leaving you all alone.”

Chanyeol tightened his grip on Baekhyun’s hands, making him meet his eyes. Baekhyun’s eyes were wide, shining with unshed tears.

“Don’t,” Chanyeol said shakily but firmly. This was it. Baekhyun was leaving him for real this time.

“Let me apolo – ”

Chanyeol cut him off with a kiss. He couldn’t believe how realistic Baekhyun’s lips felt against his. Even the way Baekhyun kissed him back just as desperately that it shattered Chanyeol’s heart felt real.

“Don’t leave me, please,” Chanyeol breathed out between them when they pulled away.

Baekhyun had started crying, his hands shaking in Chanyeol’s.

“I can’t, Yeol. You know I can’t,” Baekhyun hung his head, letting his tears fall on their joined hands.

“Then let me stay.”

Baekhyun glanced up at him in surprise and was even more surprised when he saw the determination in his eyes.

“I’m not letting you do that.”

“I can’t live in a world without you.”

“You just did! For more than a year, we lived without each other. It hurt like a bitch but we survive, didn’t we? You’ll get through this, Chanyeol,”

Baekhyun slipped his hands away from Chanyeol’s only to put them on his cheeks.

“Live on. I know you can do that. You’ll be alright.”

“Not without you.”

This time Baekhyun was the one to lean forward to press a kiss to his lips. The kiss tasted like salt from the tears they had both cried but still Chanyeol didn’t want him to pull away.

But eventually Baekhyun did.

The finality in that kiss had Chanyeol speechless. Even in the dream Chanyeol just wanted to close his eyes and sleep it all away. He wanted to sleep and sleep and find the world wherein he’d he didn’t mess it all up. Wherein he’d be able to stay with Baekhyun and Baekhyun with him.

It was all he wanted.

Baekhyun lay down on his side, clasping Chanyeol’s hands and pulling him down with him. Chanyeol followed him, lying on his side, face to face with Baekhyun, their hands still clasped together in front of him. As if the scene wasn’t sad enough, Baekhyun started singing.

A lullaby.

And Chanyeol, after taking a good look at Baekhyun, memorizing the way his eyes sparkled when he smiled and the way his voice sounded, finally closed his eyes.

After a few seconds and Chanyeol was sure he was slipping away, Baekhyun stopped singing to say something.

“Chanyeol. I would’ve said yes,” he said. Then he felt a kiss on his forehead.

“A thousand times, yes.”

Me, too.

 But Chanyeol found that he couldn’t speak but he thought it fiercely.

Me, too. I would have said yes to you a thousand times.

Chanyeol woke up and he knew he was finally awake. His chest hurt, the heart in it broken beyond repair. He was lying on his side, his hands reaching out to someone not there, the rings clasped tightly in them.

He knew he had to get up or else Sehun would get worried but he knew that if he stayed there, Sehun would find him anyway.

So, he stayed, lying on his side of the bed, waiting for Sehun, all the while pretending he wasn’t waiting and hoping someone else would come for him instead.

Someone who would never come back.

So, he stayed, and waited.