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“How could you be so careless?”
Jimin hears his manager’s disappointed sigh from above him. Jimin’s eyes are locked on the ground, not having the courage to look at the open laptop on the table in front of him again. It was only minutes, maybe seconds, ago that he had read the words on the screen, a mere glimpse before his heart crumbled and he could not bear to read on. The words, however, were imprinted into his mind.
It was a simple email, strictly business. No superfluous language or attachments, just some words that read;
BigHit Ent,
We are writing to inform you that recently, we have had sources step forward to confirm the speculation of the relationship between two idols signed under your company, providing convincing photographic and videographic evidence to support the claim.
It is protocol for us to first inform the respective companies involved, should we receive news like this. It is the company’s decision allow the release of this information to the media, or prohibit the release using monetary compensation.
However, due to the special nature of this relationship, our company is unable to, and will not be releasing a statement of it to the public in any form. This email is purely protocol, to inform you we possess this information but have no intention of disclosing the relationship of Park Jimin and Jeon Jungkook to the public.
We wish your company and staff a Happy New Year.
Dispatch, Korea.
The room is dead silent apart from the low hum of the air conditioner. Jimin’s eyes remain glued to his feet, but he knows the exact facial expression his manager wears in front of him, weight shifting from one foot to the next, hands on his hips.
He’s seen the same expression when Jimin messes up little bits of choreography during filming, and when the media has a field day over a member’s unpleasant behavior in public. Jimin sees the disappointment on his face, and feels it in his heart.
He looks beside him slightly, and he can see the nervous look on Jungkook’s face, eyes downcast at his shifting feet and bottom lip caught between his teeth.
Jimin, as the hyung, feels responsible for the trouble they are in right now, and the little troubles they’ve encountered in the past 3 years of their relationship.
BigHit was one of the few agencies that never enforced a dating ban on their idols, but they probably never expected two of their idols to fall in love, much less two male idols . With the other members rather supportive of the relationship, BigHit never directly expressed any displeasure towards Jimin and Jungkook, as long as they kept the physical contact to a minimum, nothing that could completely out them as a couple. Sure, some skinship and flirting was accepted, as long as it could be labelled ‘fanservice’ and never crossed the line beyond that.
Jimin has no idea how the email even came about. Thinking back, they hadn’t done anything out of the ordinary, but he guesses they still weren’t careful enough.
He remembers it being just two days ago that his manager pulled Jimin and Jungkook aside, showing them a video on his phone. It was a video shot at the Melon Music Awards 2018, one of the many award shows on their schedule to wrap up the year.
The quality of the video is clear and professional, definitely not just from any phone. It zooms in, focuses on Jimin and Jungkook sitting very closely to each other, Jungkook whispering something into Jimin’s ear. Jimin sees himself react by putting an arm over Jungkook, gesturing between the two of them. Jungkook responds by saying something with a smug grin on his face, then pausing and saying something else, before Jimin hits him playfully. The video has no audio, but subtitles appear on the screen at that moment.
'Nampyeon, Namchin' it reads. ‘Boyfriend, Husband’.
Jimin admits the subtitles could maybe be accurate based on lip-reading, and that maybe the awkward glances of the idol beside them would just add fuel to the fire, but there is no way any of that could be confirmed. All speculation.
Jungkook had reacted by tilting his head and flashing a mildly sorry smile at the manager, before the manager lets them off with a small warning to “be careful, you never know when someone is looking”.
Jimin knows now that they still haven’t been careful enough.
As the seconds tick by, the room feels smaller and smaller, walls closing in.
His mind is loud with worry, mainly the fear that Jungkook would blame everything on him, would want nothing to do with him anymore. His safe haven disappearing in front of him just like that, throwing their past 3 years together away and walking out the door. Being together is hard, he knows, and he doesn’t see why Jungkook even stuck by him the past 3 years.
The information wouldn’t be released, which spares the members from having to deal with their mess. Thank God. But the thought of their relationship crumbling down just like this, it’s unbearable.
Jimin’s mind is a mess, he doesn’t know what to think or do. He shuts his eyes and waits for the tears to come, for the familiar shortness of breath.
But the panic attack never comes, because Jungkook squeezes his hand.
It’s not a very hard squeeze, but Jimin feels electricity jolt through his body. He turns his head to see Jungkook looking at him, still nervous but eyes soft. He squeezes his hand again, and Jimin knows what he’s saying.
‘It’s okay, we’re okay.’
Jimin lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.
“So, w-what now? What do you want us to do…?” Jungkook asks his manager with remorse. He’s never been ashamed of their relationship, but he knows it could cause many people a lot of trouble. And frankly, all he wants right now is to get Jimin out of this room, back to the dorm and into bed. He wants to hold Jimin safe in his arms, kiss the worry out of his furrowed brows. But for now, he holds his hand and makes sure he doesn’t let go.
“Just lay low for now, okay? Nothing too obvious, in case Dispatch decides to pull anything funny,” his manager replies with a sigh, taking out his phone and typing out a text.
He sees Jimin relax slightly beside him, still looking down at the floor.
“The car is waiting downstairs to bring you back to the dorm. And please, be more mindful from now on,” his manager says, opening the door of the conference room for them to step out.
Jungkook wants to protest, wants to say they haven’t even done anything over the top to be blamed for. But, he shuts his mouth and places his hand on the small of Jimin’s back, guiding him out of the room. He just needs Jimin out of the room and in his arms as soon as possible, that’s it.
They walk to the lobby where the car waits, bowing and thanking some staff along the way, quieter than usual.
When the car door closes behind them, Jungkook wastes no time in scooping Jimin up into his arms in the backseat, holding him as close as possible. Jimin hums under his breath to tell Jungkook he’s okay, and snuggles his head closer to his chest.
They spend the dark car ride home in silence, Jungkook rubbing small soothing circles into Jimin’s back, Jimin’s breath evening out as he falls asleep safe in Jungkook’s arms.
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Things are quiet the next few days, no trouble from Dispatch or their manager.
News Agencies reveal scandals all the time, but are prohibited by law from releasing information of relationships between the same gender, due to their country’s stance on same-gender love.
This, however, does not mean Dispatch can’t drop little hints.
A few days later, Dispatch changes their Instagram profile picture to one of Jungkook, a solo from their Christmas Shoot, which is unusual. Nobody thinks much of it, until they change it to one of Jimin a few days later. Some fans sense something fishy, but nobody makes a big deal out of it, to their manager’s relief.
Jimin and Jungkook can’t help but be reminded of how much they have to lose, how much all the members have to lose if word of their relationship got out to the public.
They are lucky the members were supportive about them getting together, none of them discriminating against love in any form. Their families too were not strongly against it, and seeing how happy Jimin and Jungkook made each other led them to eventually being fully supportive of their love too, their parents calling them “Son-in-Law” whenever they met.
Jimin and Jungkook love each other more than anything. They both know that, the other members know that, and their own families too. But they only properly show this to each other behind closed doors, or in the dark when people aren’t watching.
During concerts and performances, with hundreds and even thousands of fans screaming their name, it's exhilarating and one of the best feelings in the world, but it's also tiring.
They juggle late night preparations and have to go out and give their all, knowing all eyes are on them. Don't get them wrong, the members love it more than anything, but Jungkook can sometimes see the bags under Jimin’s eyes before any makeup covers it, and Jimin can see the way Jungkook cracks and adjusts his back uncomfortably between songs.
Being together has allowed Jimin and Jungkook to see every part of the other person, the good and the bad. So they know when the other needs a little push of encouragement to finish the performance well, leading to the development of a little ritual on stage, just for the two of them.
It happens at the end of DNA, when they turn their back on the audience for their final pose before the lights go off and the cameras stop rolling. When the stage is dark and the song ends, Jimin would step forward and cling to Jungkook while no one can see them. He would massage Jungkook’s shoulders a bit, or whisper little words of encouragement and praise in his ears.
After a while, Jungkook caught on and would expect Jimin’s little gesture, sometimes turning around to hug Jimin and ask if he’s feeling okay, or telling him he’s doing good tonight. These little things help the other finish off the performances well, a way of saying ‘I love you’ without actually having to say the words, all in the dark when nobody is looking, when it feels like it's just the two of them.
They help each other go on, hold each other through the ups and downs. They have had their fair share of fights and petty arguments, but they have never once let each other down in the 3 years of their relationship.
That is how Jungkook knows that whatever trouble they get into, and no matter what people may think or say about them, Jimin is worth every second.
Dispatch or not, Jungkook is never letting go of Jimin.
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Jungkook doesn’t remember the exact moment he fell in love with Jimin.
He doesn’t remember when he started hesitating before pushing Jimin away or brushing him off whenever he got too close, doesn’t remember when his heart started thumping in his chest whenever Jimin put an arm around him, or when his heart skipped a beat when he heard the elder laugh.
Somewhere along the way, Jungkook started to feel a spark underneath his skin whenever Jimin touched him. Little touches, a brush of a hand against his knee, a gentle grip on his wrist that probably didn’t mean much to Jimin, but they lit Jungkook on fire.
He doesn’t remember when it started, but he remembers the exact second it became too much to bear.
It was way back in 2015, one concert night when Jimin’s eyes were glazed and unfocused as he stumbled backstage into a quiet room, laying on the floor, chest heaving. Jungkook remembers the medics surround him, trying to cool his body down and bring him back to focus. Jungkook knew Jimin seemed extra tired the past few days of rehearsals, but he doesn’t know how it managed to get this bad.
Being ushered out of the room, Jungkook paced up and down the corridor while biting his nails, not stopping until the members grabbed him a chair and physically pushed him to sit down.
It felt like ages before the door opened and Jimin stumbled out of the room, a little more color on his face. The staff told the members that Jimin had to sit out of choreography for the concert just for the night and that they had to start making adjustments as soon as possible, but Jungkook couldn’t miss the way Jimin’s head hung low, tears brimming in his eyes at every word.
On impulse, he remembers taking Jimin’s hand and bringing him away from the bustle of everyone preparing for the show to a quiet corner in their preparation room.
When they were alone, Jimin’s eyes still couldn’t meet Jungkook’s. He watched Jimin fiddle with his fingers, opening his mouth and then closing it again on second thought.
He had never seen his hyung, his strong and lively hyung, look this dejected before. He couldn’t stand it.
So he stepped forward, eliminating the distance between them, and hugged him tight.
He carded his hands through Jimin’s hair and rested his head on Jimin’s shoulder. He heard Jimin gasp a little in surprise, before whispering his name.
“Jungkook… I’m okay, don’t worry so much, you need to do well tonight without me…”
Not moving an inch, Jungkook inhaled deeply, closing his eyes and finally told Jimin the words that had been on the tip of his tongue for the longest time.
“Jimin-hyung, I know you’ll be okay. But please, don’t push yourself like this anymore. It hurts to see you in pain.”
Jungkook heard Jimin inhale sharply against his chest, probably shocked at the maknae’s sudden words of comfort.
“I just needed to tell you...I-I love you, hyung. It hurts when you hurt.”
Jimin pushes against Jungkook’s chest slightly to create some distance between them, and looks up to Jungkook with a small smile.
“Ah, what a good dongsaeng. Hyung loves you too Jungkookie. Thank you, don’t wo-”
“No, hyung,” Jungkook interrupts, taking another deep breath to get the words out, everything he has to say. “You always take such good care of me, like an older brother. I’m sorry I didn’t do the same for you.”
He can barely hear himself over the loud thumping of his heart against his ribcage. After seeing Jimin in that state, something clicked in Jungkook. The thought of losing Jimin, or even being apart from Jimin is something he can’t handle. Jimin wears his heart on his sleeve, takes care of Jungkook so well only for Jungkook to push him away every time. Afraid would be an understatement to how Jungkook is feeling right now, but he can’t keep this to himself anymore. Jimin deserves to know how Jungkook feels, no matter how messed up he might think it is.
This is it , he thinks, there is no turning back after this .
“I love you, Jimin-hyung, but I like you as more than a brother. You are everything to me.” Jungkook finally confesses, looking at Jimin straight in the eye, hoping the elder can see the sincerity in his words.
He remembers seeing Jimin’s eyes widen, and then slowly turn into crescent moons as he hits Jungkook’s chest softly and shyly, his other hand gripping tightly at Jungkook’s arm. Jungkook breathes a sigh of relief and cups Jimin’s face.
Jimin’s eye smile is the prettiest sight in the world. From that moment on, Jungkook vows to make it appear every single day.
Jimin sits out for the choreography during the concert that night, and the members are slightly more stiff on stage, stressed out about messing up the placement of their dances without their lead. But even though Jimin is glued to a chair at the side, Jungkook and Jimin are inseparable all night.
It takes Jimin 3 years to repay the favor of how Jungkook spent the entire night, on and off stage, cheering Jimin up as best he could.
Jungkook, unfortunately, has a little accident backstage that leads to a bloody heel and frantic staff. Jimin is no expert, but he can tell the cut is deep and from Jungkook’s pained face every time he limps, he knows there is no way Jungkook will be able to stand, let alone dance, at their concert tonight.
Jimin has been in the exact same position, he knows the crushing disappointment Jungkook must be feeling. All they want is to give the fans a good performance, it’s the least they could do after everything their beloved ARMY has given them, and the thought of letting them down is painful, probably more so than Jungkook’s actual injury.
So, as a good hyung and boyfriend, Jimin makes sure to make Jungkook feel better in any way he can during the concert, and the other concerts following that. He dances around Jungkook’s chair, makes a fool of himself to see Jungkook smile. He even struts up to Jungkook and blows him a kiss as Jungkook sings his verse, getting his boyfriend all flustered and turning him into a shy, giggling mess.
At one point, watching his hyungs dance and knowing it’s his own fault that he isn’t able to join them becomes too much for Jungkook, and he breaks down on stage, turning away from the fans with his head hung low between his knees as he tries to control his sobs.
And of course, Jimin is by his side in seconds. Jimin must’ve run the entire length of the extended stage to get to Jungkook, to squat down in front of his tear-streaked face and show him his dazzling eye smile, one that Jungkook just can’t ignore.
Jimin whispers little words of encouragement and sweet-nothings to Jungkook, far from earshot of the fans.
“Baby, enjoy yourself. It’s okay, they are here to hear your sweet voice and see your beautiful smile. Smile for hyung, okay? They love you. I love you. You can show them your shoot-dance another time.”
Jungkook can’t help but laugh at Jimin’s words as he ruffles his hair and returns to the extended stage with the other members. Jungkook looks up at the mega screen in front of him and sees his beautiful boyfriend having fun on stage, jumping around and spraying water at the fans with a smile that reaches his eyes.
And Jungkook smiles along.
-------------------------------------------
It’s a few weeks after the Dispatch email incident, and they have definitely been laying low. Jungkook and Jimin are more careful now, no lingering touches in public, and double or even triple checking to see if any cameras are watching before they move closer to each other.
They’re doing another concert tonight, one just before they have a short break from touring.
During the soundcheck, the fans screams are particularly loud, Jimin sees the members relaxing and enjoying themselves as they rehearse a few songs on their setlist, taking their time to look at the hundreds of people standing before them.
Jimin spots Jungkook filming the entire process with his camera and mic, jumping from one member to the next. The smile on Jungkook’s face doesn’t fade the entire half an hour of their soundcheck.
As they belt out the final lines of Mic Drop and make their way backstage, Jimin lingers around on stage to say a final goodbye to the crowd, and he sees Jungkook doing the same while the other members walk off.
Jungkook walks slowly behind Jimin, filming him as he walks around the stage, waving to the fans and making a few finger-hearts, before strutting down the catwalk backstage. Jungkook’s camera doesn’t leave Jimin for a second, and Jimin knows that this is Jungkook’s little way of showing affection in public, waiting for Jimin to leave and keeping his camera focused on the elder. It’s nothing special the fans would bat an eye at, but it still makes Jimin’s heart flutter.
During the concert, Jimin gets into a little accident on stage. In the middle of their DNA choreography, Jimin loses his footing on the slippery stage and falls right on his butt.
The fall isn’t exactly painful, he doesn’t hear anything crack, but he is embarrassed. Covering his face and laughing to himself slightly, he sees Jungkook looking down at him with a small smile and the shake of his head. Jungkook does the rest of his choreography without looking away from Jimin for a second, eyes locked on the floor to his left, checking to see if he’s alright.
Jimin knows the members are laughing at his clumsiness, but he recognizes the look on Jungkook’s face as not only one of endearment, but also worry. Jimin rolls his eyes at himself and at Jungkook, feeling so so fond of the boy, and stands up to finish off the last part of choreography. Thinking about how Jungkook cares for him and fusses over him all the time even though Jimin is the older one, Jimin can’t wipe the smile off his face for the rest of the choreography.
The song comes to an end and the lights go off, preventing the fans from seeing them take their new positions. Jimin makes a beeline to Jungkook in the dark, and before Jungkook can even get a word in, Jimin grabs his shoulder and tip-toes to reach his ear.
“Jungkookie, I am okay. I love you a lot okay? Make sure you always remember that.”
Jungkook looks at Jimin with his mouth a little open and eyes twinkling. Maybe it’s too dark to see, but Jimin swears his boyfriend blushes slightly at his words of affection. Jungkook’s hands swing unnaturally at his side, not knowing if it’s safe to reach out and pull Jimin into a hug or rub his back, but decides against it, settling for a soft smile and nod at his hyung.
It’s moments like this where Jimin wants nothing more than to pull Jungkook into his arms, to just reassure Jungkook that everything is okay, but there is something stopping the both of them and he hates that he has to second think his every action when it comes to Jungkook.
Jimin knows this distance between them, at least when they are in the public’s eye, has taken a toll on the both of them, especially Jungkook. He sees the little things Jungkook does, like how he clenches and unclenches his fist sometimes when he walks behind Jimin through the crowds at the airport, itching to put a protective hand on the small of his back. Or how he gets more fidgety during interviews when he stands beside Jimin but can’t even put a hand around his shoulder. Jimin hates this nagging feeling at the back of his mind too, can’t help but think about how unfair it all is the moment Jungkook jumps to grip at his hand and pull Jimin close the second the car doors click shut, clinging to him and breathing him in like oxygen.
The fact that his own boyfriend is afraid to reach out to him irks Jimin to no end, and even though it’s only been a few weeks, Jimin is sick of it.
And so, for the rest of the night, Jimin doesn’t think twice before going up to Jungkook. I need this , Jimin thinks to himself, just for tonight .
He starts small, testing the waters. When Jungkook is walking across the main stage, a sweaty Jimin kneels down and looks up to make eye contact with him before sticking his tongue out and licking his lips. He doesn’t miss the way Jungkook does a double take at the sight below him, almost tripping as he takes the next step. Jimin sees the panic and confusion on his face and chuckles slightly, utterly whipped for his boy.
During their encore stage, Jimin spots Jungkook staring at the screen a few times whenever the cameras zoom into Jimin. When he spots Jungkook standing alone during Anpanman, he walks up to him and places an arm around Jungkook, hyping up the crowd together with a smile on their face.
When they come together for a group photo with the entire audience, Jimin wastes no time in strutting up behind a squatting Jungkook, latching his arms over his shoulder while posing for the camera. At the last second, he even reaches up to squeeze Jungkook’s cheeks together, before the photographer gives them a thumbs up and they separate.
It’s not a lot, but he can see Jungkook relaxing and enjoying the concert even more after that, the smile on his face growing wider as the night goes on. Watching the love of his life jump around on stage and sing to his heart’s content, Jimin can’t help but feel a little happier too.
As the concert ends and they walk backstage, Jungkook falls into step with Jimin and throws an arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer. They walk past their manager, who doesn’t bat an eye at the two of them, telling the members to return to their prep room for a final photo.
Jimin smiles to himself. They’re fine for now , he thinks, and he sees Jungkook mimicking the same smile beside him.
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Back at the hotel, Jimin enters Jungkook’s room with his spare keycard and plops down on his boyfriend’s lap as he sits in front of his computer, editing some photos or footage uploaded from his camera.
Jungkook huffs out a laugh and maneuvers Jimin slightly, throwing his legs fully over the side of the chair and letting Jimin tug his head against his chest, against the warm crook of his neck.
“Mmph, how are you not sound asleep right now? I’m exhausted,” Jimin says softly.
“Go to sleep baby, I’m almost done with this,” Jungkook smiles at the boy in his lap.
Jimin grunts and snuggles closer into Jungkook’s hold, breath evening out in minutes. Jungkook lowers the volume of the music on his bluetooth speaker and kisses the top of Jimin’s head.
Half an hour later, Jimin wakes up to the clicking of a mouse and the shutting down of a laptop.
“Hi sleepyhead, sorry to wake you up. Let’s go to bed, okay?” Jungkook pushes his chair out and gently lifts Jimin up, carrying him bridal style and settling him down onto the king sized bed. He stands up to turn off the lights before getting under the covers with his boyfriend. Jimin tucks his head under Jungkook’s neck and breathes out contently into his chest. Jungkook’s natural scent, a light but boyish smell, has always calmed Jimin down and made him feel safe.
“Mm, Jungkookie?”
“Yes, Jiminie-hyung?”
“We’ll be okay, right? No matter what?” Jimin whispers faintly into the darkness of the room.
He feels Jungkook’s arms wrap around him even tighter.
“You don’t even have to ask ah, Jiminie. We will always be okay. I will always be with you.”
Jimin breathes out a soft sigh. Jungkook removes one of his hands from his hold around Jimin and gently tilts Jimin’s chin up to meet his eyes. Even in the dark, Jimin thinks he sees Jungkook’s eyes hold the entire universe in them.
“You know, hyung, you are the most talented, beautiful, smartest person I know,” Jungkook says, eyes not leaving Jimin’s for even a second. “And no matter what anyone in the world says, they would be blind to not see that about you.”
Jimin blushes slightly, his boyfriend’s words making him much better.
“I’m just… scared, maybe,” Jimin inhales. “I know Dispatch can’t reveal anything, but I’m afraid of causing trouble, you know? The members have looked out for us so much, some of the staff too. They have so much on their plate, I don’t want to cause any trouble for them, or for you, Kookie.”
Jungkook moves to place a gentle kiss on Jimin’s forehead, then his cheek, then his nose. Jimin rolls his eyes at the boy in front of him, terribly endeared.
“Jiminie, listen to this and never forget it,” Jungkook cups his boyfriend’s cheek. “Being with you, the love of my life, is the least troubling thing in the world. I will be here beside you always, whether you like it or not.” Jimin chuckles at Jungkook’s silly words, but takes them all in.
“I promise you, hyung. I am not going anywhere without you. You’re stuck with me, in this life and the next.” Jungkook finishes with a smile.
Jimin feels butterflies in his stomach at his boyfriend’s heartfelt words, the exact same feeling from 3 years ago when Jungkook confessed, and a feeling that comes whenever Jungkook shows Jimin affection like this. Everything Jungkook says, every part of his heart that Jungkook gives Jimin makes Jimin feel like he’s on top of the world, invincible.
Jimin has found everything he could ever need in life and then some in these arms holding him.
He tilts his head and reaches up to capture Jungkook’s soft lips in a kiss, wordlessly thanking him for this moment, for everything they’ve done in the past, and everything they will do in the future by each other’s sides.
Jimin and Jungkook drift off to sleep under the covers, feeling warm in each other’s hold, dreaming of intertwined fingers and unwavering smiles.
No news article, no scandal can touch them when they are together. Pulling his lover in closer, Jimin thanks whatever force brought Jeon Jungkook into his life, and vows to never ever let him go.