Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The platform. Enter HAMLET, HORATIO, and MARCELLUS.

HAMLET

Fuck, it’s cold out here.

HORATIO, wiggling eyebrows

Come closer to me, my lord, I have more than enough heat for both of us.

HAMLET

Wow, uh, I’m—I’m good, dude. Anybody know the time?

MARCELLUS

Time for you to get a watch!

BERNARDO, simultaneously

Time for you to die!

[BERNARDO and MARCELLUS look at each other.]

HAMLET

Fuckin’...really? My dad’s ghost is roaming around, scaring the shit out of anyone his gaunt, pale form comes across, and you’re making death jokes?

BERNARDO

Sorry, my lord.

HAMLET

LOL, you’re good, fam, I make death jokes all the time.

HORATIO, hitting everyone

Everybody shut up, it’s the ghost!

[Enter Ghost. He is whitewashed to all hell, just as gaunt and pale as you’d think. He’s wearing an obnoxious tie that says #1 Dad.]

HAMLET

Oh my God, Dad?

[Ghost beckons HAMLET.]

MARCELLUS

Alright, aaaand we’re out! Not lettin’ you go with that spooky bitch, my lord.

HORATIO

Yeah, what Marcy said. No one can take you from me...

HAMLET

Uh, at this point I’m just looking for a reason to get away from Horatio.

HORATIO

Sorry, my lord, just give me a moment.

HAMLET

Look, what’s it gonna do to me? Say boo? I think I can handle that, I watched Paranormal Activity.

HORATIO

Paranormal Activity wasn’t even that scary, my lord. You know, it’s widely regarded as one of the worst scary movies—

HAMLET

I’m going, Horatio!

MARCELLUS, T-posing in front of HAMLET

Nope!

[BERNARDO and HORATIO also T-pose around HAMLET, trapping him in.]

HORATIO

We’ve all seen horror movies, my lord, real horror movies—we’re not letting you follow some ghost that looks like your dead dad.

HAMLET

My old friend, the T-pose...I’m so sorry I must betray you in this way.

BERNARDO

What—

[HAMLET ducks under MARCELLUS’ arm. Exeunt Ghost and HAMLET.]

MARCELLUS

We gotta go after him, before he gets ghost rabies!

BERNARDO

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

HORATIO

Famous line alert!

MARCELLUS

That was my line!

HORATIO

Stop fighting over the famous lines, there’re plenty more where that came from.

BERNARDO

We don’t have any more important lines after this scene, asshole!

HORATIO

Whatever! We’ve got to save Hamlet, otherwise he’ll never realize his love for me!

[BERNARDO and MARCELLUS watch HORATIO leave, then shrug and run after him.]

Chapter Text

Another part of the platform. Enter GHOST and HAMLET.

HAMLET

I’m not going any further, okay? Listen, I’ve seen Paranormal Activity—

Ghost

Paranormal Activity suuuucked.

HAMLET

[Aside] Oh, fuck I didn’t know he was gonna actually talk! [to Ghost ] Uh, what—what are you ghosting around here for?

Ghost

You have to reveeeenge me, Hamlet...your uncle, that asshat, kiiiilled meeee.

HAMLET

Oh, yeah, I know. 

Ghost

Yeeees, that incestuous, that aduuuulterate—wait, whaaaat?

HAMLET

Yeah, I knew he killed you. It’s, uh, pretty obvious. There’s only one type of venomous snake in Denmark, wasn’t that likely it would’ve nabbed you in the middle of winter. Also, your ear was dripping with green fluid and there were no puncture wounds anywhere. This is why we have royal medical examiners. I wasn’t planning to do anything about it, cos you were already dead but, like, if you want me to, that’s fine. I don’t like Uncle Claudius anyways.

Ghost

Oh, woooord? Yeah, do that, that’s chiiiill.

HAMLET

Cool, I’ll do that. See you, Dad!

[Ghost throws up the deuces and trudges out, spookily.]

MARCELLUS, HORATIO, BERNARDO

[Within] My lord, Lord Hamlet, you dumb bitch, this is exactly how people die in real horror movies—

[Enter MARCELLUS, HORATIO, BERNARDO.]

MARCELLUS

You’re not dead?

HORATIO, hitting MARCELLUS

Of course he’s not dead! Are you okay?

HAMLET

Faaaantastic. Listen, there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy, and one of those things is my ghost dad, so I’ve got some shit to attend to because I followed my ghost dad and he told me that I have to kill my uncle and to do that I’ve got to pretend I’m crazy but don’t be alarmed by that because I’m not really crazy but anyway byeeee!

[Exeunt HAMLET.]

BERNARDO

I think there was a famous line in there somewhere, but he was talking so fast and making so little sense that I momentarily forgot how to hear.

[Pause.]

Ghost

[Beneath] Sweeeear.

HORATIO

You’re a little late, my late lord.

Ghost

Fuuuuck.

[Exeunt.]

Chapter Text

KING CLAUDIUS

Welcome to my crib, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, blah, blah, blah, save our son from himself, you get my drift.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Please, I just want my son to act normal for once. You guys are normal, right?

ROSENCRANTZ

Both your majesties might, by the sovereign power you have of us, put your dread pleasures more into command than to entreaty.

GUILDENSTERN

But we both obey, and here give up ourselves, in the full bent to lay our service freely at your feet, to be commanded.

QUEEN GERTRUDE, whispering

They’re not normal...

KING CLAUDIUS

Thanks for your help, Tweedledee and Tweedledipshit.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Darling, please be nice to, uh...Mulder and Scully. Um, off you go!

[Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and some Attendants. Enter POLONIUS.]

LORD POLONIUS

The ambassadors from Norway, my good lord—

KING CLAUDIUS

Don’t care.

LORD POLONIUS

Excuse me?

KING CLAUDIUS

Look, did you find out what Hamlet’s deal was or not? The ambassadors probably did a great job; I trust Cornelius and Voltimand with my life and my kingdom, but I need this whole Hamlet thing to go away ASAP. So, unless you have intel on that you can turn your ass right back around, my man.

LORD POLONIUS, miffed

If you insist. Now, where was I? Let me see, let me see...Ah, yes.

“My liege, and madam, to expostulate what majesty should be, what duty is, why day is day, night night, and time is time, were nothing but to waste night, day and time. Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit—”

QUEEN GERTRUDE

And there’s our famous line, so you can skip all this shit.

LORD POLONIUS

S-skip it?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

I can see the letter in your jacket pocket, Polonius, let’s just get this over with.

LORD POLONIUS

As you command, madam.

[Reads] “Yo, Ophelia, yeah, you’re pretty dope, let’s make some babies, unlike the Pope (because he can’t get married or have children because of Catholicism’s frankly ridiculous policy of celibacy.)” Then, in brackets, “[mic drop].”

KING CLAUDIUS

This is your son’s work, honey?

GERTRUDE

I knew I should’ve homeschooled him.

KING CLAUDIUS

So what is this letter proving, exactly?

LORD POLONIUS

To be short—truly short, mind you—I believe that ‘tis Ophelia’s refusal of his love (at my request, of course) that hath put him in this wretched and mournful state.

KING CLAUDIUS

Gertrude?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

It’s as plausible a solution as any, I guess.

LORD POLONIUS

Hath there been a time—I'd fain know that—

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Stop talking like that!

LORD POLONIUS, fuming

Look, have I ever been wrong before?

KING CLAUDIUS

Actually, yes. A fair amount of times. Remember when you said that my dog had gone to the big farm in the sky? Yeah, that was a lie. The time when you told me the Chinese place had put both white and fried rice in my order like I asked? You were wrong. The time when you claimed your dick was bigger than mine—

LORD POLONIUS

Besides the point! Listen, Hamlet spends far too much time loitering around in this giant room, and if you and I hide behind a pillar and throw my daughter out to confront him then I can prove to you that I’m right.

KING CLAUDIUS

Mhm, we’ll see.

[Enter HAMLET, reading.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Oh, my baby! There he is, reading his book! He’s so literate.

LORD POLONIUS

Ugh, just—get out of here! Go! Leave! Shoo!

[Exeunt KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, and Attendants.]

Heeeey, fellow kid, what is up in this his-house?

HAMLET

Waaaazaaaap!

LORD POLONIUS

Fuck, I haven't looked at Ye Olde Urban Dictionary long enough for this!

HAMLET

Say, good sir, are you a slut?

LORD POLONIUS

What mean you by this!?

HAMLET

A slut, my most honored lord, or a whore, strumpet, or harlot, if you prefer. The men of your time called them “temptresses of the night”, and “gatehouses” but the men of my time call them thots and cum dumpsters! Truly our language holds beauty in its versatility. Do you count yourself among their number?

LORD POLONIUS

I should not think so! [ aside ] He speaks to me so frankly of such explicit matters, referring to my most honored self as a—I cannot repeat those sins! I will speak to him again. What could make you think a lord upstanding as myself would be such a person?

HAMLET

My good lord, as a prince of most convincing and gossipy means, I simply asked the courtesans! They told me of most illicit affairs that you are involved with, (all rumors, of course) most constantly with my uncle—

[LORD POLONIUS pales.]

HAMLET

I spent far too many hours hearing tales of midnight trysts, and trysts at dawn, and all sorts of fornication at all other hours of the day! Upon my honor, my lord, are you a screamer?

[POLONIUS gasps and faints. CLAUDIUS comes on stage and reluctantly carries him off. HAMLET nods in thanks, also reluctantly.]

HAMLET

Well, that's that problem taken care of.

[Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.]

GUILDENSTERN

Ham—

ROSENCRANTZ

—let! My lord, how are you?

HAMLET

Let's skip the bullshit, shall we? You're not just here to say hi.

GUILDENSTERN

[to ROSENCRANTZ] Should we...?

HAMLET

The king and queen sent you to spy on me, did they not?

ROSENCRANTZ

Uh, yeah! Yeah, that's right.

HAMLET

Is that not it?

GUILDENSTERN

No, no, that is totally it! You caught us, haha.

HAMLET

Okay, uh, yeah, glad that's settled.

ROSENCRANTZ, stage whispering

Whew, that was a close one.

GUILDENSTERN, stage whispering

Okay, but when are we actually gonna ask him to be in the threesome?

HAMLET

Ask me about the what now?

GUILDENSTERN

Quick, Rosen, come up with a distraction!

ROSENCRANTZ

Uh, fuckin’...actors in the castle!

[ROSENCRANTZ waves his arms wildly. Enter four Players, plus one invisible Player.]

HAMLET

OMG, Johnny Depp!?

First Player

Uh, no.

HAMLET

Oh, wait—[Pulls out dark sunglasses and puts them on.] My old friend! How are you, how are you!

First Player, as Players shrug

I mean, we're acting for a living, so, like...it could be better.

HAMLET

Well, lucky for you, I’ve got work for you! Unpaid, of course, you’ll be doing it for exposure.

[The First Player looks at HAMLET murderously.]

HAMLET

Dude, JK! Of course I’ll hook you up; not like I got a shortage of money, being prince of a country and everything. But, I’ve got a pretty specific request.

First Player

We don’t act out NSFW commissions.

HAMLET

Dude, jeez, I’m not always horny, calm down. I need to prove that my uncle’s an asshole—

First Player

Do you need to prove that?

HAMLET

—and a murderer, let me finish. Can you do a play where a guy gets killed with ear poison in a garden and the murderer fucks his wife?

First Player

We don’t act out NSFW commissions.

HAMLET

I don’t need on-stage fucking! Just—ugh, you get the idea. Promise me you won’t fuck this up, man.

First Player

That costs extra.

[First Player winks. Exeunt Players.]

HAMLET

Are you still here?

ROSENCRANTZ

Yes, my lord, uh—

HAMLET

Get! Out!

GUILDENSTERN

We’ll never get to ask him at this rate!

[Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.]

HAMLET

Finally, some peace and quiet so I can monologue about what a coward I am for not killing this guy that killed my father. Listen, it’s just...killing someone is serious biz, y’know? Takes time and planning and shit. I don’t know if I’m ready to put that work in. Gonna just enjoy the beauty of the theater for a little bit while I mess with my uncle, LOL. And, oh, before I leave! Ahem. “The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king!” Nice.

[Exit.]

Chapter Text

HAMLET

Listen, if I could, I would just do this whole play myself, but since my clone machine hasn’t arrived yet I’ve got no choice but to get y’all to do it. Not that I think you’re bad actors or anything, I just have a very specific vision for this piece. So, included in this script is my notes on everything I want you to do on-stage. I swear to you that at least most of it is for a specific and analytical reason.

First Player

My lord, the notes are longer than the script!

HAMLET

What can I say? I just don’t know how to shut up. Break a leg out there!

[Exeunt Players. Enter POLONIUS, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN.]

Ah, my old-ass lord, will my uncle/dad/enemy of my soul be joining the festivities?

LORD POLONIUS, exiting

What was that?

HAMLET

Aaaand he’s offstage again. Damn, that man won’t even stop to finish his own line! I respect that. Tom, Jerry, go get the actors back here.

GUILDENSTERN

Didn’t they just leave a few minutes ago?

HAMLET

Last time I checked, I don’t keep you around to hear your lip!

ROSENCRANTZ

You’re not keeping us around at all, my lord. In fact, you seem to be trying to get rid of us at every possible opportunity—

HAMLET

Go or I won’t join the orgy you’re inevitably going to try and invite me to!

[Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN. Enter HORATIO.]

HAMLET

OMG, Horatio!

HORATIO

Hiiii, honey.

HAMLET, to himself

Even though you’re creepy sometimes, I just...love you so much. Like, so, so much.

HORATIO, shocked

Really!?

HAMLET

Uh, no! Go sit down somewhere.

[HORATIO leaves, distraught but trying to hide it.]

HAMLET

Whew, almost let my gay slip out. I gotta focus on cornering my uncle-dad right now, not sucking dick.

[Elaborate Danish march. Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and others. CLAUDIUS catches sight of the players setting up the play.]

KING CLAUDIUS

Aah, a flashback to something I told everyone I didn’t do!

[CLAUDIUS absconds.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE, shouting after him

The lady doth protest too much, methinks!

HAMLET

There’s that famous line. Now everybody get the fuck out! Gotta talk to my guy about some shit.

[Exeunt all but HAMLET and HORATIO.]

HORATIO

Well, that was a short play.

HAMLET, snapping

We gotta keep things snappy in here, baby, the people don’t have the attention span to pay attention to all this shit.

HORATIO

That’s fair.

HAMLET

You saw that, though? You saw him run out of theater screaming bloody murder that he committed and also wasn’t actually that bloody considering the murder weapon was poison?

HORATIO

It was kind of hard not to see him, my lord.

HAMLET

Naisu! Everything is going according to plan. All I have to do now is—

[Re-enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.]

GUILDENSTERN

There you are!

HAMLET

Fuck.

[HAMLET swipes his hand over his face and schools his expression into the “customer service smile” as he turns back to RosenStern.]

GUILDENSTERN

My lord, the king—

HAMLET

Yes?

GUILDENSTERN

I'm afraid he’s very—

HAMLET

Go on.

GUILDENSTERN, agitated

Hamlet, your father—

HAMLET, derisively

Don’t insult me. Can you imagine that fucker being my dad? Despicable.

ROSENCRANTZ, frustrated

My lord, shut up for a second!

[Both HORATIO and GUILDENSTERN start; HORATIO jumps to defend HAMLET’s honor, while GUILDENSTERN jumps to shield ROSENCRANTZ from HORATIO.]

HAMLET

Well, if it’s that important...I'm listening.

GUILDENSTERN

My lord, the queen is...unhappy with your behavior.

ROSENCRANTZ

[scoffing] That's an understatement.

HAMLET

My behavior? After her husband basically admitted to killing my dad, and also her husband!? Damn, Uncle Claudius must be laying pipe if she's forgiving that shit.

HORATIO

Please don't say that again.

HAMLET

I mean, just absolutely ramming —

GUILDENSTERN

A-ny-way!

ROSENCRANTZ

She wants you to meet her in her room before you go to bed so she can talk to you, okay? That's it, that’s the message we were told to give you.

HAMLET

Oh, fuck, do you think she's going to ask me to threesome? Man, I'm living in a bad incest porno—

HORATIO

Stop talking about fucking your mother!

HAMLET

I didn't ask to live in this family, it's not my fault if she’s thirstier than a—

[Re-enter one Player with a recorder]

Oh, a recorder! I loved these things in elementary school. May I?

[The Player hands him their recorder.]

HORATIO, whiplashed

Now we’re talking about recorders.

HAMLET

Guildencrantz, are you a master of these most noble of instruments?

[ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN both begin speaking. GUILDENSTERN gestures for ROSENCRANTZ to speak. ROSENCRANTZ does the same to GUILDENSTERN. Repeat as long as people find it funny.]

GUILDENSTERN

I’m afraid not, my lord.

HAMLET

Please?

GUILDENSTERN

I can’t.

HAMLET

Pleeeease?

GUILDENSTERN

I am literally unable to play this instrument.

HAMLET

And yet you’ve fucked with me all show on behalf of my mother, the queen, as if I were easier to manipulate than this juvenile plastic woodwind instrument!

ROSENCRANTZ

In this parody of the play we haven’t even really done anything, though. Sure, the king and queen technically told us to spy on you, but for the entirety of the written scenes we’ve just been trying to invite you to our threesome!

HAMLET, who is not listening

“Call me what instrument you will, though you can fret me, yet you cannot play upon me.”

[Enter POLONIUS.]

Fuck, if it isn’t this hag again.

LORD POLONIUS

Lord Hamlet, the queen your mother wishes to speak with you.

ROSENCRANTZ

We literally just—

HAMLET

Lord Polonius.

LORD POLONIUS

My lord?

HAMLET

You’re an idiot.

[LORD POLONIUS gasps.]

HAMLET

But you bring tidings of my mother, and I will visit with her, as you have asked me.

GUILDENSTERN

We literally just...do we just not exis—

HAMLET

Everybody get out! It’s monologue time again!

[Everyone groans as they exit, ad libs “Monologue time again?”, “He never shuts up,” Mom said it was my turn on the monologue,” etc.]

Okay, this is the longest monologue I’ve had to memorize, but it’s pretty iconic, I think. Just gonna have to say the whole fuckin’ thing I guess.

“Tis now the very witching time of night,

When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out

Contagion to this world: now could I drink hot blood,

And do such bitter business as the day

Would quake to look on. Soft! now to my mother.

O heart, lose not thy nature; let not ever

The soul of Nero enter this firm bosom:

Let me be cruel, not unnatural:

I will speak daggers to her, but use none;

My tongue and soul in this be hypocrites;

How in my words soever she be shent,

To give them seals never, my soul, consent!”

Hope that was good.

[Exit.]

Chapter Text

[Enter QUEEN GERTRUDE and POLONIUS.]

LORD POLONIUS

My lady, Hamlet is on his way here right now.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Oh! Do I look alright?

LORD POLONIUS

Do you—he is your son, you don’t have to look like anything!

QUEEN GERTRUDE
There’s no exception for not looking fuckable at all times, Polonius. Jaws should drop. Everyone’s jaws.

POLONIUS

Wh—my lady, can you just...be a mother? As in, a normal mother.

HAMLET

[within] Moooooooooooooooom!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

I can do that!

[POLONIUS presses (x) to doubt before hiding himself behind an arras, which (for those who don’t know, like me five seconds ago) is a tapestry that hangs in front of a secret hidey-spot. HAMLET enters.]

HAMLET

My mother! My mom. My mama. My mommy? No, that’s a little too sexual.

QUEEN GERTRUDE, taking a deep breath

Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.

HAMLET

Uh...sorry?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Damn, that pretentious-ass language is contagious! [clearing throat] You shouldn’t have staged that show, honey! It was very mean to your new dad.

HAMLET, pouting

Ugh, whatever. He’s not even my real dad!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

I will not tolerate any of this teenage whining from you, son! Why are you being so prickly?

HAMLET

I’ll show you prickly!

[HAMLET pulls out a sharp, deadly dagger. He looks at it, throws it aside, and pulls out a miniature cactus.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE, scared but also sexually

What are you going to...do with that thing?

[HAMLET says nothing, instead approaching GERTRUDE looking angry and a l’il bit murderous. GERTRUDE calls out, somewhat dramatically, like a woman being accosted in an adult film.]

GERTRUDE

Ah, no! Please! Someone help me! My son is going to molest me with a miniature cactus and I’ve no way to defend myself!

POLONIUS

What the fuck?

HAMLET

Who the dickens—whoops!

[HAMLET falls through the arras, cactus brandished.]

LORD POLONIUS

[from behind the thing] O, I am slain!

[POLONIUS falls through the arras, bringing the tapestry down with him. His corpse is obscured from view so that the show doesn’t get an R rating or something like that.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Polonius, no!

HAMLET

Did you...care about Polonius? Wasn’t he your husband’s side piece or something like that?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Oh, yeah, that’s right. Well, in that case, good riddance, I guess!

HAMLET

Uh...remind me, what else happens in this scene?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

I don’t know! I have so little importance in the show that I’ve kind of just been winging it.

HAMLET

That’s fair. Um, I think I get on you for fucking my uncle? Yeah, I still don’t know why you’re doing that.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Well, I don’t mean to be crude with my widdle baby boy, but your uncle lays pipe, is all I’m saying.

HAMLET

I fucking knew it! Damnit, how am I supposed to kill a man with such immense and literal BDE? Fuck, what else? I, like, tell you that you’re too old to fall in love again, I think?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

That’s bullshit.

HAMLET

Yeah, it is! Love doesn’t have an age cutoff! I’m gonna cut that from the monologue. Then I...talk more about you fucking Uncle Claudius again, I think—

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Honey, is there something you want to ask me?

HAMLET

Something like what?

[HAMLET looks at the QUEEN, and she looks back at him. HAMLET gets it.]

HAMLET

Mom, seriously!? What the fuck???

QUEEN GERTRUDE

I’m just saying, you keep bringing it up, I don’t know if I’m supposed to think you’re propositioning us—

HAMLET

Obviously I’m not propositioning you—

[Enter Ghost.]

Ah, fuck, Dad! Nothin’ going on here, you can leave!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Wait, who—who are you talking to?

HAMLET

Look, whatever you think you saw—

Ghost

Hamlet, what the fuuuuck. Are you...tryyyying to fuck my wiiiife, who is also your moooom?

HAMLET

What? No! Dad, c’mon, I promise you—

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Honey, what is going on—?

HAMLET

Mom—

Ghost

I can’t belieeeeve that yoooou were the true threat to my croooown, through iiiincest. I don’t know whyyyy I’m so surprised, though, incest was super common among royal faaaamilies during this time period.

HAMLET

No, it’s not like that—!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Son, you’re scaring me—

HAMLET

Mom, shut up—

Ghost

Don’t talk to her like thaaat—

HAMLET

Leave me alone!

[Exit Ghost, doing “hands up, don’t shoot” gesture.]

Mom!

QUEEN GERTRUDE, worried

Ah—yes?

HAMLET

You stay here! Don’t fuck my uncle tonight, I’m going to try and kill him.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Kill him!?

HAMLET

Don’t pretend like you didn’t see this shit coming from 20 million miles away.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Eh, that’s fair.

HAMLET

In the meantime, I’m gonna go get rid of this body.

[HAMLET hefts POLONIUS over his shoulder.]

HAMLET

Night, mom!

[Exit HAMLET.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE

...night, honey.

Chapter Text

[A hall in the castle. Enter HAMLET and HORATIO.]

HAMLET

Alright, Horatio, you ready to wrap up this badly written parody?

HORATIO

Wait a minute, aren’t we supposed to go to the gravedigger scene before this? Now there’s no explanation for why Ophelia died! Not only did you erase her crazy death, you also got rid of Gertrude’s only monologue, the famous Yorick scene, and the comedic genius of the gravedigger! Did we even do “to be or not to be”?? That’s definitely the most famous—

HAMLET

There are too many goddamn famous monologues in this goddamn show, I’m not shoving all of them in here! Besides that, I have a personal grudge against the gravedigger. God, what a narcissist. You know he fucks everybody he buries and then digs it back up and fucks it again a month later? His kink is maggots.

HORATIO

Oh my fucking god, I did not need to know that, thanks!

HAMLET

Are you going to go along with this scene or are you gonna piss and moan about how we didn’t include the fucking gravedigger in this rewrite?

HORATIO

Fine, fine! Never mind. [mumbling to himself] How the fuck do you not include “to be or not to be”? Who the fuck would forget that?

HAMLET

Now, I’ve killed Rosencrantz and Guildenstern in cold blood.

HORATIO

Oka—wait, what? Weren’t they your friends?

HAMLET

Were they? I just assume everyone that’s not you is evil, my bad.

HORATIO

Aw, that’s so sweet!

HAMLET

So anyways, I was killing my college schoolmates—

HORATIO

Wait, shut up!

[Enter OSRIC.]

OSRIC

Oho! Welcome back home, my lord!

HAMLET

Osric, tell me what you wanna tell me quick because I can only take so many of your “oh-ho”s before I commit another oho-micide.

OSRIC, sweating

Oho, very funny, my lord! I simply wished to inform you that your father the king—

HAMLET

My uncle the king.

OSRIC

Your uncle the king would like you to fight Laertes.

HAMLET

Who is Laertes?

HORATIO

Ophelia’s brother.

HAMLET

...who’s Ophelia?

HORATIO

Your girlfriend!

HAMLET

I don’t have a girlfriend.

HORATIO

She’s Polonius’ daughter!

HAMLET

Ohh, okay. Yeah, I don’t think we’ve ever mentioned Ophelia.

[HORATIO shakes his fist at the author, so he’s just sort of shaking his fist at the sky.]

OSRIC

My lord, what is your answer?

HAMLET

Tell Uncle Scar that I’ll show up. Gotta finish this fucking show, after all.

OSRIC

Oho! Very good, my lord! I’ll tell him right away!

[Exit OSRIC.]

HORATIO

You are going to die if you fight Laertes. I know you don’t remember him or whatever, but he’s, like, really good at fighting!

HAMLET

Guess who else is good at fighting? [points to self] That’s right, this guy. I’ll be fine.

[Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, LAERTES, Lords, OSRIC, and Attendants with foils, etc. They’ve got a lot of people and a lot of shit.]

KING CLAUDIUS

Alright, Hamlet, what do you say to Laertes for killing his dad?

HAMLET

Uh, you’re welcome?

LAERTES

Honestly, that’s the right response.

HAMLET

Oh, I’m glad you thought that was funny, LOL.

LAERTES

You ready to do this fight thing?

HAMLET

Yeah, boi, let’s do it!

[HAMLET grabs a fencing foil, while LAERTES (gasp!) whips out his dick and brandishes it expertly.]

HAMLET, hand over eyes but looking through fingers

Uhhhh....

LAERTES

Well?

CLAUDIUS

This is a swordfight, Laertes, what the fuck?

LAERTES, gesturing at his dick

Uh, duh, that’s why my dick’s out.

KING CLAUDIUS

Grab a fucking sword!

[LAERTES grabs a fucking sword and takes the bottom of the hollow handle off, and stuffs his dick into the sword handle.]

KING CLAUDIUS

...we’re gonna have to burn that sword.

LAERTES, helicoptering his sword-dick around recklessly

Let’s do this!

[They prepare to play. But wait! KING CLAUDIUS holds up a goblet and a bottle of suspicious-looking fluid. It’s NOT semen.]

KING CLAUDIUS

I’m poisoning this cup, you guys!!

[He puts the liquid into the drink. The crowd cheers.]

KING CLAUDIUS

Let’s do this!!!

[HAMLET and LAERTES start to play, but before anything exciting actually happens, KING CLAUDIUS stops them again.]

KING CLAUDIUS

Hamlet! Drink this poison!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Ooh, drinks! Mama needs her white wine spritzer! #winemom!

HAMLET

Mom, don’t be a basic white bitch, you’ll die!

[QUEEN GERTRUDE drinks and immediately falls on her face. HAMLET gasps. Seeing an opportunity, LAERTES swipes and cuts HAMLET with his poisoned dick-sword before immediately falling over. KING CLAUDIUS, not wanting to be outdone, grabs the poisoned drink, chugs it, and falls.]

HAMLET, running to LAERTES' side

Polonius’ daughter’s brother! What the fuck is going on here??

LAERTES

Basically a whole bunch of us just wanted to kill you...damn, I shouldn’t have put that poison on my dick...I really thought we were gonna do a swordfight, not whatever the fuck this pointy metal shit was...

[LAERTES dies. HAMLET drops his body like a rock, stumbles to the middle of the stage, takes a moment to find his light, and then collapses theatrically. HORATIO, who has been staring slack-jawed at all the death that happened in the span of like a second, rushes to his side.]

HAMLET

Looks like this is it for me, Horatio...the light is approaching...

HORATIO, grabbing the cup and tipping it back

Wait for me, please! I'll follow you into the afterlife!

HAMLET, slapping the cup out of his hand

This isn’t Romeo and Juliet! Jesus Christ, get yourself together.

[A knock sounds.]

HAMLET

[to audience] I’m out, y’all. It’s been real. [to HORATIO] Horatio, my man—ack! “The rest is silence.”

[HAMLET dies. Good riddance, am I right? LOL.]

HORATIO, through tears and sniffles

Fuck, why couldn’t you just say you liked me! Okay, okay, I have to say my famous line. [composing himself] “Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!”

[HORATIO screams and cries over HAMLET’s body. HAMLET covers his ears, subtly. FORTINBRAS walks in.]

PRINCE FORTINBRAS

What—

[HORATIO cries.]

PRINCE FORTINBRAS

Hey—

[HORATIO cries louder.]

PRINCE FORTINBRAS, to himself

I’ll just...let myself out then.

[FORTINBRAS and his group walk off. HORATIO bows his head and attempts to make out with HAMLET but cannot kiss him through his snotty tears. Hamlet moves away, subtly.]