Archive of Our Own

Never Say Goodbye
or
A Love Story in Hellos

One.

It is loud. The auditorium is filled to the brink with students, laughing, talking, unpacking bags and clicking pens. Sasha makes her way through the mass of people. She is not late for this particular Monday class but it looks like almost all the seats are taken already.

Sasha tightens the grip on her backpack. No way she can just sit down amid a few vacant seats now and wait for the class to begin. Maybe she has better luck towards the back of the room. Not as easy to read the slides there but better than fighting her way through an already occupied row, to get a seat in the middle. No. She climbs up the stairs to the last rows, looking left and right trying to find an empty seat.

Finally. A free seat directly next to the aisle. That means no shuffling between the tables. Good. Sasha strides the last meters to the chair. She has just about dropped her backpack on it already when she notices the other girl sitting on the next seat over. She is writing something. Her eyes are squinted in concentration. Her bag is lying on the floor between the two chairs. She is probably waiting for someone.

Sasha stands there for a few seconds. She does not want to be rude and sit on an occupied seat. The skin on her neck prickles. So she pushes her backpack up her shoulder and ruffles through the short hair on the back of her head. Opens her mouth. “Uh.”

The girl looks up. She is pretty. And smiling. Sasha smiles back instinctively. “Hello. I was wondering- Is this seat taken?” The girl looks down on the chair next to her and then back up at Sasha. She shakes her head. “No, no. Please!” she says, still smiling. She gestures to the seat and shoves her own bag under her table with her foot.

Green chucks.

The girl goes back to writing. Sasha drops onto the chair, relieved. She takes her notebook and her pencil case out of her backpack. Grabs her water bottle, takes a drag and puts her backpack between her feet. She takes a breath.

Before she can take out her phone to keep her hands busy, the girl in the other seat clicks her pen audibly and shoves it back into her pencil case. Then she turns to Sasha, holds out a hand and introduces herself. “I´m Nia by the way.” Sasha hesitates for a second before she takes the offered hand and shakes it once.

“Sasha,” she says.

Two.

The line in the cafeteria is long. Sasha steps from one foot to the other. This is what you get when you are too lazy to get off campus for lunch.

Anyway.

She puts a fork and a knife on her tray and lines up behind an absurdly tall guy. He is wearing an Einstein badge on his backpack.

Sasha twists her body, trying to catch a look of the buffet. Pasta or rice? There is enough time to decide. Friday is Sasha´s pasta day though, so probably that. The line moves forward.

Sasha is in the middle of balancing her tray on her left hand while trying to fish out her phone from her pocket when a hand touches her shoulder. Sasha whips around, hand still in her jeans and comes face to face with Nia. “Hi.” She is smiling. “Hey” Sasha responds, uncertain.

She takes her hand out of her pocket and grasps the tray with both. Moves a step back and twists lightly to stand back in line. “How are you?” asks Nia. So no turning back around then. Nia is still smiling. Sasha scrunches up her nose. “Good. Bit tired, but everyone is I guess. And you?”

The line moves forward again.

“Oh yeah, me too”, Nia answers, “tired - but at least the weekend is near.” She chuckles. Sasha grins. Turns the fork over on her tray. Looks back up to Nia who cocks her head and brushes a strand of her brown curls out of her face.

Nia keeps talking. “You know, I decided to study to get away from numbers. Like as far as possible. And now I have to attend Introduction to Econ anyway.” She shakes her head, laughing. Takes another step to follow the line. It makes Sasha grin. She agrees. “Yeah, I really thought studying languages would get me out of everything maths but - a bit naïve I guess.”

Nia bobs her head. Her curls shake with the movement. Then she gestures to somewhere behind Sasha who promptly turns around. They have almost reached the buffet. So pasta it is.

Once she has placed the full plate back on her tray she steps away from the buffet. Before she can decide if she should wait for Nia or not bother her, the other steps up next to her. “Let´s go over there” Nia determines and uses her full tray to gesture in a vague direction.

Sasha follows her. Purple vans today.

They sit on the edge of a table right in the middle of the cafeteria; across from each other. Nia points at Sasha´s plate. “Pasta day?” she asks. Sasha looks down on her plate, the spaghetti glued together with a bit of green pesto on top. “Yeah, Friday is pasta day. Weekend treat.” She smiles. Nia grins back and grabs her fork. “Enjoy then” she says and digs in.

She eats her spaghetti the Italian way. No knife. She laughs when half of it falls off her fork again.

Three.

Sasha sighs for the umpteenth time. The words and numbers in her Econ book have stopped making sense about two chapters ago. It is frustrating. The library is almost empty this close to the holidays but Sasha wants to at least create the illusion that she is being productive.

Her hands fiddle with her purple highlighter. Maybe she should just highlight random words and numbers. The question if they make sense is something she will worry about later.

Her short hair is probably standing up in every direction from how much she has carded her hands through it in frustration. It does not help. She decides to call it a day.

Just as Sasha moves to close her book, someone sits down across form her. She looks up. It is Nia. Wearing a black hoodie and a tired expression. And a smile. “Hello” she greets. Sasha greets back. Hesitantly she asks: “You look tired. Are you okay?” Nia groans and drops her head on the table in front of her.

Then she peeks out from underneath her hair and grins cheekily. “I just hate numbers is all. Econ has me by the metaphorical balls. And I am way too petty to let it ruin my GPA.” Her exasperated tone makes Sasha giggle.

“Fuck. Same. I have been looking at this for the last twenty minutes without understanding a single word. And my notes make even less sense.” She shakes her head in distaste. “But thanks for that though. That you gave me your notes from last Monday.” She was sick. That had been a nasty cold.

Nia flicks her hand “No problem. But I missed you. I really like that we always sit together now. Share the agony and stuff.” She is grinning again. Sasha smiles. Contemplates for a seconds. Then: “You know. If you want to, we can study together. Fight the enemy as one.”

Nia looks relieved. “That would be awesome. I have no fucking clue what I´m doing. I´ll treat you to some hot chocolate later.”

She is already taking her notes and books out of her bag. Sasha smiles at the way her sleeves cover her hands. Only the tips of her fingers peek out and show off her blue painted nails. She looks comfortable. Shame to ruin that with maths.

Belatedly Sasha responds: “I don’t think I´ll be that much of a help though. So, sorry in advance.” She does not want Nia to think she has any more idea about this than the other herself. Still. Studying together sounds like a great idea.

So she opens her book on the first page and looks back up at Nia. A little helpless, probably. “I´m sorry to brake it to you but this is where my questions start” she admits bashfully. “It´s okay” Nia shrugs “I´m not any better. But, like, we can maybe start by just making sure we both understand the scientific terms?”

She starts ruffling through a stack of paper. “I have like – made a list of them. Not that I understand any.” She shows Sasha the list. “That´s good.” She nods and marvels again at Nia´s neat handwriting. “Can I copy that real quick?” Nia agrees.

They do actually manage to get something done. At least a little portion of the assigned topics. A start.

And they do get hot chocolate after. In a tiny little hole-in-the-wall place Nia recommends. It is very motivating.

Four.

Nia opens the door after Sasha´s first knock. Her hair is tousled and her eyes are swollen. “Hi,” she greets. Her voice sounds rough and deeper than normal. The flu has forced her to stay in bed for a couple of days and she probably should still be in there but this project cannot wait any longer.

Nia looks tired, drained. Sasha frowns. She does not think this is a particularly good idea. “Are you sure you are well enough to do this today? I really can do the beginning on my own.” Sasha is reluctant to enter. She does not want to bother Nia when she is so clearly unwell. Nia does not take that happily. “Don´t be ridiculous,” she counters. “Come in and let´s get this over with. I´ll let you cook me soup later if it makes you feel better.”

Her smile is weak but she drags Sasha into her flat with a surprisingly strong grip. Sasha chuckles lightly and proceeds to take off her shoes. She places them next to Nia´s green chucks that stand in the doorway and hangs up her coat.

Nia tells her to take a seat in the living room while she disappears in the kitchen. Sasha does as told and drops on Nia´s couch. It is old and worn and endlessly comfortable.

Seconds later Nia appears in the room with a steaming cup of tea in one hand and a pack of tissues in the other. She sits down next to Sasha and shoves her roommate´s magazines out of the way before she places her tea on the couch table.

“All right” she starts with a sigh “So the due date is in three weeks, right?” She waits until Sasha nods. “That should give us enough time. It´s just the paper and the power point anyway. So. What did you do in class on Monday? Besides mourn my absence of course.”

Her cheeky grin is back.

Sasha falls into the teasing easily. “Well- the prof explained the guidelines again. That´s the sheet I sent you.” She gestures to her phone on the table. “And then he proceeded to talk about how our generation will never amount to anything. As if we didn’t know that. Really motivating.” She rolls her eyes. Nia starts laughing but soon her laughter breaks into a wet cough.

It takes minutes before she can talk again and her voice is even rougher after. “No laughing today. Only science talk,” but she is grinning as she says it. Sasha nods dutifully and opens her notebook.

“Alright.” She reads their assigned topic again. It is very confusing. “So – maybe google can help?” With a weak groan, Nia drops her head onto Sasha´s shoulder. “Why are we like this?” she complains.

And then she starts giggling.

“Excuse you,” Sasha counters in mock offence “we´re perfectly knowledgeable and capable people. Just maybe less when it´s about – goddamn Lichtenstein´s economic growth in the 1920s.”

She places an arm around Nia´s shoulders in comfort and rubs her neck. The curls on the nape of her neck are sweaty from her fever. She smells of sweat and the cough medicine she has been taking. It is a weirdly comforting smell.

Nia coughs again, weakly. Her skin is searing.

Sasha decides to intervene. “No. No working on that stupid project today. You´re sick. And you said it yourself, we have enough time. I´m making soup now and you´re going to sleep.” With those words she gently lifts Nia´s head from her shoulder and leans her carefully back against the cushions.

Nia half-heartedly mumbles something in protest but shuts up immediately when Sasha drapes her comforter over her and tucks her in.  By the time Sasha gets up from the couch she is already asleep.

In the tiny kitchen, she takes out the groceries, making sure to be as quiet as possible. Luckily they have cooked enough times together in here for Sasha to know which drawers jam. Once she has checked that Nia is still fast asleep and not too hot, she proceeds to make the best soup she has ever made. It has to serve a purpose after all.

Five.

The sun filters through the curtain and caresses Sasha`s face. It tickles. She wakes with a sneeze.

Once she realizes where she is she falls back against her pillow. A mistake. Her head is throbbing. In hindsight, celebrating Nia´s roommate´s birthday in one of those dingy pubs downtown might not have been the best idea. Cheaper, certainly, but decidedly less in control than a club.

The more you know.

A rustle to her right has her turning her around carefully. Nia opens her eyes slowly, lazily. “We forgot to close the blinds again last night” Sasha mumbles by way of greeting. “Hello to you too” Nia mutters back, her voice matted with sleep. “What time is it?”

The clock on Sasha´s reads 8:23 am.

It is too early. She tells Nia that. The other just sighs in agreement and closes her eyes again. She burrows herself deeper under the purple comforter but shuffles closer so that she is cuddled into Sasha´s side. Sasha presses a smile in Nia´s hair and shifts closer. She drifts back into sleep easily.

When she wakes again, almost four hours later, her side is pleasantly warm where Nia´s body is pressed against Sasha´s and her arm is draped over her own middle.

For a few minutes, Sasha absentmindedly watches Nia´s chest rise and fall in deep, even breaths. She catches herself and shakes her ahead at herself.  She should get up.

Carefully, she twists her own body and takes Nia´s thin wrist into her hand to lift her arm just enough so she can slip out underneath. But she jostles her and Nia wakes with a start at the movement.

She gasps and then, realizing what woke her mumbles a quiet greeting in the air. Sasha picks at the comforter. “Sorry,” she apologizes, “I didn´t wanna wake you.” Nia should get all the sleep she can with the schedule she has set for herself. Instead, she softly shakes her head and blinks up at Sasha with sleep-clogged eyes.

“Nah, it´s fine. I don´t want to spend the first snow free Saturday holed up inside.” Sasha nods, not entirely convinced, before Nia continues. “Breakfast at the usual place? And then maybe we could take a walk in the park?” Sasha likes the idea and hums joyfully in agreement.

She sits up fully and flicks Nia in the side lightly, when the other makes no move to follow. Sasha giggles at Nia´s offended huff. “Come on then, sleeping beauty, they only serve breakfast until two.”

Six.

Sasha takes a deep breath. The cold air cuts into her lungs. Spring has not won over winter quite yet and the dark is still heavy with it. But it is the right kind to wake her up again, to shake her out of her tipsy stumble.

They are at some fellow student´s hose party. Nia and her.

And Sasha just needed a breather. It is getting stuffy in there with the crowd of people. Overwhelming. Even though Sasha has not had a lot to drink, she feels a bit off.

Nia has been talking to this girl from Contemporary Literature for the last forty minutes. Roughly. They are probably still standing in the kitchen. Hopefully.

Anyway.

Sasha just really needs some air right now. Out here the noise is bearable, the music tinny and the voices just a quiet hum. Calmer. Her thoughts are, too. Barely.

Usually it is easier to force herself to stop thinking for once when she is alone. Or with Nia.

Nia who listens and talks and shares herself. Sasha likes how Nia laughs and how smart she is and how beautiful. How easy their friendship is.

She does not need to take a breather when she is holed up at Nia´s for the weekend; or when they camp out in Sasha´s room for hours pretending to study, but actually just talk about anything and everything.

Being with Nia is never overwhelming.

But sometimes Sasha´s feelings for her are.

Goosebumps spread over her bare arms. Forty seconds, then she will go back in. She takes a look at her watch. Two forty-five. In half an hour she can hopefully justify going home. Luckily it is not far to her flat and her roommate should already be asleep as well.

The noise of the party behind her suddenly increases and spills into the cold night. Someone has opened the door and stepped out onto the balcony.

Sasha looks over her shoulder. It is Nia. They smile softly at each other.  

Nia closes the door behind her and the noise settles again. She takes a step closer to join Sasha, leaning against the railing. She looks out into the dark. Takes a deep breath. Then she turns to Sasha.

“I´m getting pretty tired. It´s a bit too full. I guess you agree. Otherwise you wouldn’t still be out here, right?” She pointedly looks at the goosebumps all over Sasha´s pale arms. Her eyes trace over her arms, her chest, up her neck, and then she is looking into Sasha´s eyes again.

She holds the gaze.

A shiver runs up Sasha´s spine and she has to break eye contact. Her fingers start fiddling with the hem of her purple top without permission. She swallows heavily.

Nia´s eyes leave her skin burning.

Sasha looks up again.

Their eyes lock immediately. Nia´s gaze is weirdly intense. It makes Sasha´s skin prickle and her mouth dry. She tries to smile and knows it looks weak.

Nia just takes a step closer, never breaking eye contact. But she does not touch the other. Only when Sasha slowly, cautiously, shuffles half a step closer – because how can this be – does Nia lift her hand. Places it carefully over Sasha´s hip and waits for her to close the distance, the last few centimeters.

When they finally touch, her skin is burning, right through Sasha´s clothes and into her core.

It makes Sasha´s breath hitch.

She lets her eyes travel over Nia´s face, her dark skin, her nose, her full lips parted slightly. Anticipating.

Her eyes are impossibly deep.

Something in Sasha settles. She takes the last step forward, slots her leg between Nia´s.

They both take in a sharp breath at the sensation of finally, finally touching.

Their eyes are fixed on each other.

Sasha lifts her hand and lets her fingers glide softly up Nia´s arm. All the way from where her hand rests on Sasha´s hip up to where her shoulder meets her neck. Her skin is soft there, and warm.

Sasha lets her fingertips dance over the spot before she rests her hand on Nia´s neck, her fingers buried in the locks there. Damp, from the humid air inside.

Like this, Sasha can feel Nia´s pulse under her hand. It is racing. She looks where her hand rests on  skin. She wants. Sasha looks back up into Nia´s eyes.

“Okay?” her voice is hoarse. “Yes,” Nia whisper back.

She leans in. Sasha moves with her.

And then their lips meet.

The angle is slightly off and their lips are chapped from the cold air and it is perfect.

Sasha sighs into the kiss and for a second they just stand there on the balcony at 3 am, lips against each other.

Then they finally realize. Sasha pulls Nia towards herself with the hand on her neck and hooks her other arm around her waist. Both of Nia´s hands move to grasp her hips, tightly, warmly, never letting go.

Their lips move together, open slightly, just a taste. Nia gasps and caresses Sasha´s waist with gentle fingers. Sasha clutches the thin fabric of her top and it is not enough and she wants her closer.

They kiss and kiss and kiss.

Until Sasha breaks away. Takes a deep breath.

It still feels like starving.

She moves her hand from Nia´s neck and strokes a single finger over her collarbone instead. Then she meets her eyes. They are still deep, and calm.

Nia is smiling. Softly, secretly.

“Hi,” she whispers. Sasha smiles back, “hey,” she sighs. Then she leans back in. Steals another kiss.

When they part again, Nia does not let her go. She wraps her arms around her and lays her head on Sasha´s shoulder.

Her breath is warm against her cheek. And they just hold each other for a little while.

When Sasha shudders in the soft breeze, Nia draws back and straightens up. Her eyes shine. “Let´s go. It´s an appropriate time to leave now. I want to take you home.” She strokes a hand through Sasha´s hair. “Is that okay?”

Sasha breathes, her skin tingling. Nods. “Yes, god yes. Of course.”

She takes Nia´s hand in hers, lets their fingers tangle loosely and drags her back inside, to go home.

Seven.

The flat is still quiet in the early morning hours. Sasha does not know what woke her. She blinks to get the world to clear.

She is in Nia´s bed. The night blue sheets pool around her hips. Beneath them, her bare legs are entangled with Nia´s. Her head rests on Nia´s shoulder, her arm draped over her waist. She can feel every breath Nia takes. Slow, and heavy with sleep.

Sasha breathes in time with her. Does not dare to move.

These are sacred minutes. Just existing next to this woman, with this woman, in the soft bed and the not-quite-daylight.

Sasha wants to preserve this moment, keep it for herself. So she tries to focus on every detail. The rhythm of Nia´s pulse, slow and steady; her smell, of sweat and soap. The way her skin feels against her own, soft and secure. The warmth, a reminder of the heat in the night before.

Like this, Sasha feels settled. Like this, she feels calm. So she presses a soft kiss to Nia´s cheek and closes her eyes again, basking in the feeling.

She cannot tell when she fell asleep again or how much time has passed, but when she opens her eyes once more, Nia is awake too, caressing Sasha´s waist carefully. Just the tips of her fingers dancing across the skin. Sasha´s breath hitches. Nia must notice she is awake now but she does not move from where they are still pressed together. She starts humming softly, and under her breath. Not a song, just a melody for them.

When Sasha looks up to her, turning into Nia´s embrace, she stops humming. Their lips brush lightly.  She kisses her, softly.

Then Nia pulls back to look Sasha in the eye properly. “Hello,” she greets happily, flicking Sasha´s nose. Sasha´s half-hearted grumble makes them both grin.

And then break out into giggles.

Sasha leans her forehead against Nia´s and they just keep laughing, giggling in joy. Nia snorts and Sasha gasps in glee. Their laughter dies down eventually, until they are just sharing air quietly.

There is something nervous in the silence.

Nia takes a deep breath. Then she breaks the quiet, voice soft. “I´m really into you, you know.” She does not make eye contact as she says it. Her fingers are still drawing patterns on Sasha´s skin. Sasha presses a kiss to her jaw and Nia´s eyes meet her own again.

Sasha smiles, her heart racing. “I´d like you to tell me that again. Plus, I´m really into you too.”

A smile flits over Nia´s lips. It is so careful. Throat working as she swallows heavily. “May I call you my girlfriend then?” she asks.

Something in Sasha´s chest clenches at the words. She is beaming. “Please,” she answers, and adds,  “Are you mine as well?”

Nia nods, slowly at first, then eagerly. They are giggling again.

Eight.

Summer has just started bleeding into autumn. The air is still warm and the sun still strong. Sasha fawns herself, trying to create the illusion of a slight breeze to cool her down. It does not work.

At least she can most likely convince Nia to get ice cream from the truck on their way home.

Sasha has been waiting in front of building Language and Arts 2 for ten minutes but her girlfriend is nowhere in sight. Her prof probably forgot about the time again, all caught up in one of his ramblings.

It frustrates Nia to no end and frequently makes her break into the longest rants about the practicability of the academic system. It is kind of cute.

Subconsciously, Sasha starts smiling at the thought. Once she realizes, she forces her face back into a neutral expression and lets her top drop. Way to go looking like a maniac. Instead, she scans her eyes over the crowd of students finally exiting the building.

And there, finally, Nia walks through the doors. Her face is twisted into a frown. She will most likely start cursing her prof to hell and back in about once minute. Sasha finds herself grinning, looking forward to hearing her complain. Nia´s eyes finally find her and her frown twists into a relieved smile.

She skips down the stairs and jogs over to Sasha. Grinning, she greets the other with a happy “Hey.” Then she turns her face up to Sasha, waiting. Sasha smiles and closes the gap in a soft kiss. Two, three pecks.

Her arm finds its way across Nia´s shoulders and she hugs her close for a second. Nia presses back against Sasha. The late summer heat makes the embrace too hot all too soon and they part slowly. Automatically, their hands find each other and their fingers tangle.

They share a smile again. Amazed. At the ease of this. At the joy the simple gesture brings, every time. Sasha squeezes their joined hands, and leads them off campus.

They walk side by side, in rhythm with each other. Sasha watches their steps for a little while. Nia´s feet on the pavement in synchrony with her own.

Baby pink Toms today. The ones she bought a few weeks ago. A treat for another semester completed, closer to graduation.

It is a good feeling. Sasha basks in it.

When they reach the big intersection Sasha remembers her earlier plans. “Can we get ice cream at the truck? If you want to, of course?” she asks. Nia grins and nods. “Of course,” she answers, “Lazy night today? We both don´t have work.”

Sasha agrees. She likes the sound of that. Swings their hands. Adds:  “It´s pasta night. We can stop at the store later and pick up the stuff we need.“ Nia hums in agreement. She looks ahead again and starts tugging at Sasha´s hand. “Come on, ice cream is calling.”

Down the street, the bright orange truck is parked. Sasha hurries to follow Nia.

They stop in front of the little window and inspect the menu closely. Nia pulls her wallet out. Turns back to grin at her girlfriend. “What are you getting?”

Nine.

Her hands are sweaty. Sasha wonders why Nia has not pulled her hand back yet but she is probably just as nervous. Holding hands makes it bearable.

The way from the drive in to the front door seems endless. Sasha does not even know why she is so nervous about this. About meeting Nia´s parents.

They are both out, Nia and her, and she even had a few quick chats with them over Skype. It will not be first introductions for them but it still feels that much more important. Is that much more important.

She swallows and looks over to Nia. Nia who looks back and smiles encouragingly, even if a little bit wobbly. Suddenly, she pulls them to a stop. Ten more steps to the door. Nia rests her free hand on Sasha´s waist. Squeezes their hands.

“Let´s do this,” she says with determination, “They already like you anyway.” She does not wait to hear Sasha´s doubts. Just drags her the last meters to the front door and does not even hesitate before she rings the doorbell.

She has a key but she would rather get the formal part over with right in the doorway.

A few seconds later, they can hear soft footsteps on the other side of the white door. Then the door is pulled open and Nia´s dad is smiling at them. “Hello, ladies,” he greets. “Hey, Dad,” Nia says back. Sasha can feel her relax.

“This is Sasha. Which you know obviously. But yeah-”, she gestures to Sasha standing at her side, “Meet my girlfriend.” Sasha finally spurs into action. “Hello,” she squeaks out. It is embarrassing.

But Nia´s father just smiles. Warmly. And holds out a hand. Sasha lets go of Nia´s and takes the offered one. “Pleasure to meet you,” she finally manages to croak out.

Pleased, Nia´s father steps back from the door and waves them in. Sasha steps over the threshold after Nia, attached to her back. She does not want to be shy but this. This feels like a big step, ironically. Intimidating.

Nia turns around, sensing her girlfriend´s discomfort. She smiles and offers her hand again. Sasha gladly takes it. Lets herself be lead through the hallway, past floor to ceiling shoe racks. It is finally clear where Nia has got her passion about shoes from. Sasha has to bite back a grin at the thought.

And then they enter the kitchen. It is open and light with big windows. She can see the autumn leaves falling from the trees outside, in the garden.

Orange and yellow and red.

A woman is sitting at the table in the middle of the room. At the sound of their steps, she looks up. She looks exactly like Nia. And they smile in the same way.

Nia´s mother stands up. Pulls Nia into a hug without a word and offers Sasha a hand. “Hello,” she says, “nice to finally meet you, Sasha.” Her voice is warm.

Over her shoulder, Nia smiles at Sasha, her eyes shining.

Ten.

The door crashes into the lock with a bang.

The glasses in the cupboard rattle from the force of it. Sasha cannot believe it. Cannot believe that Nia would just storm out like that. In the middle of what is their most horrible fight yet. They bicker, they make petty comments but they do not fight, not like this.

Sasha stares at the door.

Why can Nia not realize how important this is? What a great chance?

She scoffs. Drags a hand through her unruly hair. It makes her notice that her whole body is shaking. Her face feels hot from the screaming but the cold sits in her stomach nastily.

They have been going at it for a while. Sasha does not know when it went from snapping to screaming. It has been a topic for weeks. Since Nia got that e-mail.

Why can´t she just-

Sasha wants to run. It makes her so angry that Nia does not want to take this great offer. Six months of work experience abroad. It is international teaching at a renowned school in the states.

She had applied months ago and the job will only be after they graduate. Almost a year from now. It is a great opportunity, Sasha knows, and exactly what Nia wants to do.

So why won´t she just say yes!

It is six months. They will survive six months apart, Sasha is sure of it. Thinks that all of Nia´s fears, that the time will break them, are unfounded. She dreads the thought of being apart from Nia for so long – but fuck if this is not the chance for Nia.

Sasha´s thoughts run a mile a minute. She tries to breath. The air is heavy, suffocating. It is too hot in the flat. Too cold outside.

And Nia. She just ran.

Did she even take her coat? Sasha blanks. Hurries over to the hangers. She did. Sasha forces herself to breathe deeply. She sits down on the couch, wringing her hands. The watch on her wrist ticks too loudly all of a sudden. She jumps up.

She will go get Nia. Space is the last thing they need right now. They need to settle this. Nia´s keys still lie on the kitchen table where she had dumped them earlier. Careless. She locked herself out of her own flat in her haste to get away.

So Sasha puts them in her pocket, pulls on her coat and hurries out. She takes the stairs two at a time, down, down.

Outside, the cold of the air takes her breath for a second. Then she is running again, only slowing when she realizes she does not know where to look. She stops. Where did Nia go? Not to a café or a friend´s house, not now, when she is so clearly upset. The park then. It is only a few streets away and calm at this hour.

Sasha starts walking, again, bigger, faster steps and erratic breathing painting white clouds in the night. Left, right, left again.

It is only when she has passed the gates to the park that she finds herself at a loss for words. If Nia is there she has no idea what to say.

It does not matter, she decides. Just Nia matters right now. Sasha continues on walking, deciding to go right. Looks at every bench she passes.

No Nia.

She has rounded almost half the park when she starts to worry. Where is she? Sasha keeps going, jogging.

And finally, finally, in the distance she sees someone sitting on a bench. When she walks closer, when she is only a few meters away, Sasha knows it is Nia. Almost unrecognizable in the dark. Relief punches in Sasha´s gut. She takes another step closer. Her movements are loud, tearing through the nightly silence.

Finally, Nia looks up. Her eyes are red, even in the pale yellow light of the street lanterns. She has been crying. Sasha breaks. Takes another step closer, carefully. Sits down next to her girlfriend.

She is careful to leave some space between them. Sasha studies her own hands, white knuckled grip on her black coat sleeves. Swallows. “Hey,” she says. Her voice is horse, and weak, even to her own ears.

Slowly, she looks over and locks eyes with Nia. Nia, who starts to sniffle. “Hey,” she replies. She sounds small, uncertain and Sasha does not ever want to make her feel that way. She turns, shifts her body to face Nia. Their knees touch. Sasha´s hands clench in her lap.

Nia has her eyes fixed onto her feet. Her breath keeps hitching, and her every exhale is shaking. Then she slowly leans against Sasha. Carefully, as if not to overstep.  The uncertainty in the gesture makes Sasha flinch, makes her want to hide away.

Instead, she lifts her arm and drapes it over Nia´s shoulder, hoping to reassure her. She waits. Waits until Nia chooses to close the space between them.

And she does.

She leans into the embrace and tucks her head under Sasha´s chin. Sasha settles against her and holds her close. She exhales, shakily. Takes a deep, wavering inhale and breathes Nia in. The tension in her shoulders slowly drains out.

Nia stays silent but turns her head and, hides her face in the crook of Sasha´s neck. Her hands clasp the lapel of Sasha´s jacket. A forlorn gesture. It makes Sasha tighten her arm across Nia´s shoulders. Hold her tight. Her own fingers are clutched tightly into the other´s black coat.

They cling to each other desperately, and suddenly, Sasha feels tears well up in her eyes. She tries to swallow them down but it only makes her choke, a stifled gasp tearing from her throat. Nia´s hands tighten their grasp on Sasha and for a second they are just clinging to each other.

The air is so quiet, so tentative. And then they both are crying. Nia´s tears wet Sasha´s neck and Sasha drenches Nia´s hair. But it is no longer desperate. No panicked tears, no sobs.

Instead, they cry tears that feel like guilt and frustration and relief. They cry, and cry and cling together. Seconds pass, and minutes. And eventually, their tears fade to unsteady exhales, to even breathing.

They sit in the dark, in the quiet, entangled and anticipating.

Nia is the first to move. She unclenches her hands, lifts her head from Sasha´s shoulder and slowly, slowly sits up. She keeps her head down and fear coils in Sasha`s belly. She lets her arm drop from Nia´s shoulder and wrings her hands together in her lap. The tension returns to her shoulders.

Nia looks up. “I love you,” she says. Sasha´s heart is racing. “I love you too,” she replies automatically. Earnestly. Nia smiles at it.

Then she takes a deep breath and Sasha knows this is it. The conversation they have both been avoiding, scared and hurt, as they both are. They owe each other some calm and honesty.

“I- “ Nia begins. Her voice is wobbly She closes her eyes for a second, tries to collect herself. “I want to take that offer. I really do. You know I do. But I also-“ Her voice breaks. “I- I´m scared that being apart for that long will change how things are now. Our dynamic? I´m afraid that we won´t make it. And I want you more than that job. And maybe we make it but it´s like-“

She stops and makes a helpless gesture between the two of them. Wipes her eyes. Continues. “It´s not like it is now. What if I come back and we realize that we don´t align anymore? I don´t want that, “ she forces out her next words, “And that you want me to go and take the job- You´re so sure that it will be fine but what if it´s not? I feel like- Like maybe you´re less scared of losing us.”

Nia whispers the last words. She looks up. Sasha flinches. This is not what she expected. Not at all. Her stomach turns at the realization that she has made Nia doubt the integrity of her feelings. That she has made her afraid of putting herself first.

Tears rise in her eyes again but she forces herself to speak. “I´m so sorry,” she chokes out, “God, I´m so sorry, Nia. I didn´t- I never wanted you to think- to think that I don´t value our relationship as much.”

The words burn like bile in her throat. “Or that I don´t mind if we´re not together. Because I do, okay? I want to be together with you for as long as possible. But I don´t ever want you to regret not taking this chance because- Because of me.”

Sasha spits out the last word. Her voice sounds bitter. She knows it. And she still forces herself to say what she is really thinking. “What if you don´t go and we fall apart anyway, after graduation?” The thought alone makes dread pool in her stomach.

”We don´t know what will happen afterwards. And then I don´t want you to be mad at yourself for not taking the chance. Your career is so important and you´re passionate about teaching and you want to do that for life.” She takes in a sharp breath. “And I can´t promise you that. For life. As much- as much as I want to.”

Sasha knows tears are rushing down her face and she is trembling. She looks at Nia. Just looks and does not dare to expect anything. Nia is crying again, too. She just looks back for a few seconds.

Then she lifts her hand to caress Sasha´s cheek softly, to wipe away the tears. She sighs. “Oh baby.” Sasha grabs her free hand and clings to it, her grip white-knuckled and both of their hands freezing cold. Sasha shrugs self-depreciatingly.

“I´m sorry,” she says again. Nia tightens her grip on their hands and whispers: ”I´m sorry too. I don´t want to think about breaking up with you, ever. But you´re being realistic and that is the way you think. And maybe you´re right.”

She sounds pained. “But I don´t want to endanger us like that.” Sasha nods. She understands better now. Still.

“I want you to put yourself first with this, okay? Think about what a great opportunity this is. How much you want this, and this career. We can make six months. And. And we´ll do our best in the time after, okay? I want to be with you so much but please, please not at your expense.” She lets out a deep exhale.

Nia is biting on her lip. She wipes her eyes. Then she lays her hand on top of their entangled ones in her lap. “Okay,” she answers, “I understand. Can I think about it again?” “Of course,” Sasha hurries to reply, “of course.”

Nia smiles. “Okay. Thank you. I feel a lot better now.”

Sasha agrees. She is relieved that they are finally talking about this. Properly. She is positive that they will find a solution now, a compromise.

They do want the same thing, after all.

She smiles back. They share this moment, smiling at each other under the dirty light of the street lanterns. It feels good. Relieving.

Finally, as if not to break the moment, Nia whispers for Sasha to come with her. She stands up and pulls Sasha with her by their joined hands. Their fingers tangle instinctively as they walk further through the park, back towards the entrance.

They do not talk but the silence between them is no longer unbearable.

Sasha watches the white clouds of their breaths fade into the dark, again and again, as they make their way back to Nia´s flat.

Later, when they are lying in bed, legs tangled together and skin still tingling from the warmth, right before Nia turns off the light, Sasha finds her words again. “Thank you.” She says it abruptly, almost blurting it out.

Nia turns to face her. Sasha continues. “That we talked about this properly. I don´t want us to go to bed upset ever. It feels good that we talked about this now.” Nia smiles. Then she leans forward to kiss Sasha. Once, twice.

“Thank you. For talking and for going after me. I love you.” She waits for Sasha´s soft “I love you” in return, before she turns of the light and cuddles against her.

Eleven.

The screen in front of Sasha is black before Nia´s face appears on it. She looks tired but she is smiling.  That smile alone makes staying up late worth it.

The time difference is very inconvenient. Six hours, not long enough so that they can talk in the mornings or evenings but not short enough that they are free at the same time.  

So they compromise like this, when Nia just got home from school and Sasha is already wearing her blue pajamas, ready for bed. It is not ideal but they are both glad to see each other. Their texting has gotten infrequent and almost brisk with how busy they both are.

And so they are both happy to steal these minutes every day, to spend some time with each other, Even if not together, at least not apart. The thought makes Sasha grin.

“Well hello there. Someone is in a good mood today,” teases Nia from the other side of the world. Her voice sounds tinny coming from the speakers. Sasha´s grin widens. “Of course. I´m talking to you, aren´t I?” It feels good to see Nia smile and hear her voice.

Today had been exhausting. As if she knows it, Nia promptly asks her girlfriend to retell her day. Sasha sighs, and drags a hand over her face, her grin long gone. “Long,” she admits. ”I´m still getting used to this editor stuff. Had this horrible moment this morning where I realized I do actually have to know basic economy junk. It´s devastating.” Nia snorts at her sarcasm.

“There was actually something good about that dumb Introduction to Economy lecture back in uni. I feel betrayed.” She pouts for good measure and Nia laughs. “Something good other than meeting my beautiful self of course, I´m sure?”

Cheeky dork.

Sasha is smiling again, nodding. “Of course. But why? I thought I had left numbers behind for good and today my boss talked to me about sale numbers and I am very much not a fan.” She knows she is whining exaggeratedly now.

Nia giggles and then asks about the poor guy Sasha had complained about a few days ago. The one that had never heard of the passive voice apparently. Sasha knows she is young and still new at the publishing house where she works now. She knows they do not trust her with the more promising clients yet, but it shows.

And it is frustrating if she is being honest. “I have a meeting with him in a few days. But I´m not too optimistic. We´ll see,” she tells honestly. Nia is grinning. She is enjoying this. Sasha sticks her tongue out at her. And then they are giggling again.

This is getting a bit ridiculous, Sasha thinks, but she is so happy.

Nia´s eyes shine bright even through the screen.   

“And you? How are the kids?” Sasha asks her. That gets a long suffering sigh out of Nia. “Those shitheads,” she complains, “The sixth graders are okay. I started a project with them today and they seem to like it so far. Thank God. The fourth grades though.”

She is grumbling. Sasha takes pity in her and asks her to explain in the most understanding tone she can muster, when Nia is pouting like that. “They are beasts. Cute as hell anyways for some reason,” her girlfriend clarifies, “But they just can´t sit still. And Joshua, you know the one I told you about?”

She waits for Sasha to remember and nod, before she tells her about the newest incident in class involving the boy. When it is not one of his anger episodes he is a hilarious child, according to Nia.

When she is done recounting the story though, her smile slips off her face. “I´m having trouble getting through to his parents. They seem so overburdened with their son. Nice and friendly and all but I don´t know if they aren´t a bit overwhelmed at the moment. His anger outbursts keep getting worse.”

Her from has morphed into a different expression. Worried. Sad. “So not an ideal situation. I´ve been thinking I´ll probably talk to Mike, you know, our coordinator. Maybe we can find a solution. See if we should step in and stuff, get professional assistance.” Nia´s voice trails off, uncertain.

Sasha sighs. She wishes she could be there for Nia right now. Take the worries off her shoulders. But she cannot. So this has to be enough instead.

“Nia. Baby. You´re doing well, okay? The fact that you´re taking this seriously already says everything. You´re a good teacher. You care for this boy.” She tries her best to sound reassuring.

“I think it is a good idea to talk to this Mike and then you can decide what to do. You´ll figure this out, I know that. You being there for a student and paying attention is the right thing.” She smiles. “Really, you´re perfect for this job. Just please also pay attention to yourself.”

Sash knows Nia can get lost in her own head sometimes, much like Sasha herself. She wants her to take care of herself. To not put others before herself.

So she tells her girlfriend exactly this and gives her a smile. It is a small one, intimate. And it has Nia smiling right back through the crinkly screen, just as softly.

“I miss you,” Nia says. It is collected, the way she says it, but her smile drops a little. Sasha feels the same. “I know. I miss you, too. Only two more months.”

They have not really talked about the after. Sasha knows they both dread it a bit. She has the job at the publishing house now, a good opportunity she is certain will pay off.

She also knows that Nia has applied to multiple teaching jobs in their area. Nia has not said anything about replies and Sasha does not really dare to ask right now. Maybe when they have the time to chat a bit longer on the weekend.

She decides, as she lies in bed later, they will figure it out. They have managed so far.

Twelve.

When Sasha opens the door again, the flat is quiet. No rustling, no talking to be heard.

Slowly, she steps into the hallway. Boxes are lined up along the walls but all the coats that had been lying around earlier are gone. Their friends had left then. Putting down her own jacket and the bag full of the nails and tape she went out for, Sasha walks further inside the apartment.

No girlfriend in the kitchen, only a mess of open cabinets and boxes. “Babe?” she calls and follows Nia´s answer into the living room.

Her girlfriend sits on the floor, half hidden behind the blue couch still wrapped up in plastic. She is sorting through a box of their books to go up on the shelves they had hung up earlier that day. Sasha doubts all of them will fit. It does not matter. They still have space in their bedroom.

Theirs.

It makes Sasha still giddy, hearing that word. Knowing that they will finally be living together, officially. It feels like at last they both have overcome the chaos of the last few months. Of Nia applying for an endless amount of teaching jobs and Sasha herself trying to fit into her own work post and tasks.

But now.

Now they have finally settled. In their jobs, in this flat and with each other. Sasha is still in awe of how far they have come.

And it always makes her smile. Seeing Nia, her girlfriend, sitting on the floor in their flat is the most beautiful sight. The mess around them does not matter; their ratty clothes and their tiredness do not. They are home.

Sasha feels a bit cheesy and a lot happy as she drops down on the floor next to Nia. “Hello,” she sing-songs and leans in to kiss Nia´s cheek. Her nose scrunches up cutely and she turns to face Sasha. “At least kiss me for real,” she complains. Sasha laughs and complies.

Kissing Nia is not new. It is something Sasha hopes she will never get used to. Something comfortable and sweet and hot and amazing. Even like this, when they are sitting on the fake hardwood floor leaning into each other a bit awkwardly, both tired and wrung out, it is amazing.

Sasha feels herself starting to smile into the kiss and draws back. Only a little. Just so that they can look into each other´s eyes.

“What?” Nia grins, her voice a happy lilt. Sasha chuckles. “I just really, really love you.” At her words Nia´s grin morphs into a smile. Something soft and intimate. “I love you too. Really, really,” she whispers. Shuffles closer and leans against Sasha´s side.

Sasha lets her head drop onto Nia´s shoulder and presses her face into the crook of her neck. Kisses the warm skin there. Nia takes her hand in hers and starts drawing little patterns on the back of it. Swirls and lines and shapes. Content just being with each other.

Nia breaks the silence a while later. “You want to get pizza? We could order in.” Sasha nods. Suddenly, she is very hungry. “Sure,” she agrees, “When did the others leave anyway?” Nia looks at her watch.

“Half an hour ago, maybe. Keira was of the opinion they should give us some space so we can christen the new flat. I think we should follow that suggestion.” Her voice is teasing, and a little bit alluring. Sasha snorts and moves away from Nia in mock offence. “Wow,” she drawls, “That´s the seduction I´ve been dreaming about, Very romantic.”

Nia rolls her eyes but she is grinning. “We only have an old mattress right now anyway. No rose petals and silk sheets today. My deepest apologies.” Sasha swats her away and adds: “Some fine dining beforehand and then we´ll talk. Pizza, you´re thinking?”

Pulling out her phone she waits for Nia´s nod before dialing. They place their order and when Sasha tells the guy on the phone their new address she cannot help but smile again. She squeezes Nia´s hand I hers. Nia squeezes back.

While they wait for their food to arrive, they continue sorting through their books and placing them on the shelves. They do not fit.

In the end they decide, via a shared look and a glare at the still unpacked boxes everywhere that they will do the rest tomorrow. Or at least this week.

The pizzas arrive and Sasha makes her way through the mess of boxes to the front door. When she comes back into the living room, Nia has thrown some cushions on the floor and placed white plastic cups in the middle. God knows where she pulled them from.

Gently, Sasha places the pizzas on the floor in between them and drops onto one of the pillows. They toast with coke from plastic cups and eat from the boxes.

It is the most romantic dinner date they have ever been on, they agree.

Thirteen.

The keys chime as Sasha takes them out of her bag. And promptly drops them. She sighs. As if this day has not been long enough. Meetings dragged out to the unbearable, last minute changes and a broken lift. Exhausting.

Slowly, she leans down to pick up her keys. Sticks them in the lock and opens the door. It is warm inside and she can hear music playing. “Hello! I´m home!” she calls into the flat. She can hear Nia´s muffled answering call. Sasha takes off her heels and places them on the shoe rack, right next to Nia´s new green chucks.

Barefoot, she steps into the hallway and then in the kitchen. Nia is standing at the stove wearing that frilly white apron. She is stirring in a pot. Pasta. Right, it is Friday. Luckily.

When Nia hears the sound of Sasha´s steps she turns around and smiles at her in greeting. “Hey, babe.” She steps away from the stove to kiss her girlfriend hello. Sasha can tell she notices immediately how exhausted she must look.

“Why don´t you get into something more comfortable. I´ll be done with diner in a minute,” she suggests at Sasha´s tired expression, “`Philosopher´s Stone´ is on tonight.”

Yes. That means dinner on the couch and ice cream for dessert. Sasha´s mood instantly lightens up.

She thanks her girlfriend and walks into her office to drop her bag onto her desk. That workload is for Monday. Sasha continues down the hall and steps into their bedroom.

A soon as she turns on the light, her eyes fall to the photograph that they hung up a few weeks ago. It is Nia and her, leaning into each other. Behind them, the blue sky is shining against the green of the Olive trees. The smile they share is radiant.

Standing at the foot of their bed, Sasha looks at the picture for a minute. She loves that she can find a new detail in it every time she looks at it. And that she can see it from their bed. It makes her smile every morning.

They took the picture on their trip to Italy last year, for their fifth anniversary. Sasha hopes they can go back next year.

She sighs contently and turns to her side of the closet. From the bottom drawer she takes her plushy sweatpants and drops them on the bed. Quickly, she changes into them and takes one of Nia´s hoodies from the chair in the corner.

Better.

She goes back to the kitchen where Nia is putting their food onto two plates. Sasha moves to the shelf where they stock their wine. Carefully, she selects a bottle of red and opens it. On the way to the living room she picks up two glasses and then puts all of it down on the couch table next to their plates.

Sasha falls back onto the cushions with a groan and Nia´s hands are immediately on her neck. Her massages are the best. Sasha almost moans. Nia giggles. “My poor baby,” but she still peppers Sasha´s face with kisses.

Way too soon she stops. Sasha hears herself making an irritated sound of protest. Nia slaps her lightly on the arm. “Come on, food is getting cold and I´m hungry,” she complains. Sasha sighs dramatically but takes her plate eagerly from Nia.

It is delicious and Sasha tells her girlfriend so through a mouthful of pasta. Nia just shakes her head fondly. Moves to turn on the TV. They sit and eat and comment on the film.

Somewhere in the middle, Nia starts laughing suddenly at Harry sassing Snape and she has seen this movie a hundred times and she is still laughing and Sasha is so unbelievably in love with this woman.

Falling for her all over again.

They are sitting in their sweatpants on their couch on a Friday night and Sasha is certain, this is it.

“Nia.”

She is surprised at how calm she sounds. They lock eyes.

“Nia. Marry me.” Sasha´s heart is beating a mile a minute and she does not have the ring with her and she is so in love. Does not want to wait a second longer.

Nia looks at her, eyes wide, mouth agape. Sasha takes her hand. Entangles their fingers. Nia´s grip is tight and unyielding.

“Nia,” Sasha breathes and continues, “I love you. I´m in love with you. And I´m so sure of us. I´ve never been surer of anything. We laugh and cry and fight and fuck and-“ She chokes on the feeling welling up in her chest. “And we love each other. I want to be with you for as long as possible. You make me crazy and keep me calm and you´re always Nia. You´re home.”

Sasha shrugs, suddenly helpless. Her eyes never leave Nia´s. “You´re it. It would be a great honour to be your wife. So.” She swallows. “Will you marry me?” Sasha forces herself to take a deep breath.

She watches Nia.

Nia.

Nia who starts nodding, slowly and then surely, eagerly.

“Yes,” is all she gasps out and then she is in Sasha´s arms. She is crying or maybe they are both crying, foreheads pressed together, sharing air as Nia keeps whispering “Yes. Yes.”

They are kissing and crying and soon they are giggling into the kiss and only then do they break apart.

Nia is grinning radiantly. She nods again and says, voice sure: “Yes. I will marry you.”

Sasha´s heart skips a beat and starts racing again.

She is going to marry Nia. Her fiancée.

She should get the ring.

Sasha presses a kiss to Nia´s forehead. “Wait here,” she says before she runs to her office, opens the top drawer and takes out the black box. She does not even check if the ring still sits in there properly. Just turns and hurries back into the living room.

Nia looks at her expectantly from the couch. Cautiously, Sasha takes a step closer and another one and sits down next to Nia.

She holds the ring box in her lap and opens it. Nia gasps. Sasha takes out the ring and takes Nia´s right hand into hers. She looks in Nia´s eyes again and then she lips the ring onto her fourth finger.

The silver band and the Onyx shimmer softly in the flickering light from the TV. Nia caresses the stone softly.

“I love you,” is all she says as she looks back up. “When did you?-” she trails off. Sasha understands. “I´ve bought it a while ago but we´ve never- There has been so much going on. We´ve never felt so settled, so calm.”

She cannot properly explain what she can barely grasp herself. But Nia agrees. She smiles and nods. Her hand cradles Sasha´s cheek.

The metal of the band is still cold against her skin.

Nia and Sasha sit on the couch and look into each other´s eyes. And look and look. Behind them the TV plays on.

Later, they lay in bed, fingers and legs tangled, sharing air and warmth. At home. As they slowly drift into sleep, they do not say “Good night.”

Only “I love you.”