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Jaehyun wakes up, and for a horrible second, all he remembers is exploding earth, Johnny’s screams of pain, and Doyoung - Doyoung’s body, limp and unresponsive below his. The moment passes, and Jaehyun forces himself to calm, but the anxiety and nerves from that day have still yet to recede in their entirety.
He breathes in deeply, and goes into auto-pilot. Lately, he trusts his body more than his mind (You think too much, his mind taunts, all thinking and no action) and lets years of instinct guide him. Sitting up, he winces at the feeling of his still-bruised ribs before swinging his legs over the hospital bed and placing his feet on the floor. He trusts his body more than his mind, so he chooses not to fight when his body sits him in the chair beside Doyoung’s bed. He’s not quite expecting Doyoung to already be upright, wide awake, but he’s not surprised either.
If Doyoung is bothered by Jaehyun’s presence, he doesn’t show it. Silence stretches between them, and it’s neither comforting nor distressing. Jaehyun’s about to fall back asleep, eyes fluttering shut while staring mindlessly at Doyoung’s profile, when Doyoung speaks. His voice should be hoarse, but the words resonate clear like a diamond bell.
“I was wrong.”
Doyoung is still looking straight ahead, and Jaehyun clings onto the time he can take to gaze without shame or pretense at Doyoung’s face. A tiny part of him, the perilously hopeful part, the optimist in him that he’s yet to stomp out with his realism despite his best efforts - this tiny, terrifying part of him thinks, maybe I won’t have to hide anymore. Maybe he can smile at Doyoung’s face as much as he wants. Maybe he can finally be like Ten, or Yuta, or Johnny and Taeyong, and love with his heart on his sleeve, ferociously and without fear, instead of keeping his love bottled up to wither inside his treacherous serpentine body.
And Jaehyun is a Slytherin, through and through. He waits - in a sense, he was always the most patient of his other two thirds. While he waits, he counts his heartbeats, and feels Doyoung like a mantra between each one.
“I’m sorry I said you don’t have the capacity to love.”
Doyoung finally turns his face and looks at Jaehyun head-on. Brave, always brave, always bold, and Jaehyun’s heart clenches with how much he loves Doyoung, and he can’t contain it anymore. Doyoung’s eyes are glassy but determined, like a calm before a storm, a dam about to burst. Unable to contain himself, Jaehyun stretches his fingers towards Doyoung – and, finally, bursts him apart in his seams.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you’re - you’re hurt. It’s because of me. It’s always because of me. You tried to protect me, you did protect me, and now everybody is hurt. First I hurt Taeyong, then I hurt Taeil, and Johnny, and - ” Doyoung’s breath catches in his throat, he swallows back and gasps out, “I hurt you.”
Tears are collecting in the corners of his eyes, and Doyoung angrily swipes away at them, as if they were hurting him too.
“Everyone’s hurt, and it’s all my fault. You’re hurt, and it’s because of me.”
Jaehyun trusts his body more than his mind, and that’s just one reason he surges forward to grab Doyoung’s wrists as he tries to block his ears and shrink into himself. He won’t let this happen. Not anymore. He’ll make sure his body stops Doyoung’s from overtaking his mind.
“You could never hurt me,” Jaehyun breathes, “as much as it hurts me when you hate yourself.” The words tumble out, the last grains of sand on the scale that tips the remnants of Jaehyun’s self-control.
He has never lacked a capacity to love. He lacked the ability to show it, but now, he is leaking. His love is leaking.
“You’re right. I was right. You were wrong.” Even in a moment like this, Jaehyun catches the briefest flicker of annoyance cross Doyoung’s face at these words, as if he’s ingrained to react accordingly to being wrong. Jaehyun knows he’s too far gone when he finds it endearing instead of vexing.
“I have the capacity to love. I love - I - I - need you.”
Slytherin, through and through, Jaehyun thinks bitterly. He still couldn’t do it, could he?
“I need you. It’s not your fault. It was never your fault. I’m sorry - I’m sorry for not realizing sooner. I’m sorry for calling you crazy in first year. I’m sorry for locking you in the supply closet in second year. I’m sorry for making you fight with your boyfriend in third year. I’m sorry for breaking your broom in fourth year. And I’m - ”
Here, Jaehyun feels himself breaking beyond his own expectations, feels the guilt he’s held in for all these years collapse in himself, escaping with the words coming out of his mouth and tears welling in his eyes.
“I’m sorry about my father. I’m sorry for punching you when you tried to save me from the thestral. I’m sorry for bringing up your father. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you or your mother, or you from your mother. I’m sorry I’m a Slytherin and - I’m sorry I can’t be brave enough to show how much I truly love you.”
At some point, Jaehyun’s body had closed his eyes, terrified of what he would see, always protecting his mind above all. This time, the silence chokes Jaehyun with every passing second.
Doyoung’s voice sounds like a prayer when he says - no, commands, Jaehyun’s mind whispers, full of emotion and strength - “Jaehyun, look at me.”
Jaehyun does, and he loses his breath at the expression in Doyoung’s eyes. He’s so beautiful. He loves him so much, with every fibre of his being, and now that he’s embraced it, it’s threatening to overwhelm him. His lion, brave, bold, and beautiful.
“I’m sorry for throwing you down the staircase in first year. I’m sorry for tripping you near the Great Lake in second year. I’m sorry for punching you in the face in third year. I’m sorry for punching you in the face - again - over the threstal. And I’m sorry - ” Doyoung hesitates, before bracing himself and plowing on, “I’m sorry for ruining half your chocolate frog collection in fourth year.”
“That was YOU?” Jaehyun splutters, unable to help himself, and Doyoung has the decency to look abashed. “Are you fucking serious? Do you know how rare Tonks is, probably because she married Remus, people are still so prejudiced - ”
“Jaehyun, shut up, I’ll buy you every single Chocolate Frog on the trolley back home for summer break, okay? Let me finish.” Jaehyun opens his mouth, then closes it, but not before making sure to audibly mumble “you better”. He’s acutely aware of the fondness in Doyoung’s eyes when he rolls them, and it feels like he’s going to convulse. Suddenly, Doyoung smiles at Jaehyun, and lets his wrists slip from Jaehyun’s grip so he can hold his hands instead.
“Thank you for letting me copy your History of Magic notes in first year. Thank you for leaving baking supplies outside the Gryffindor dorm in second year. Thank you for shouting at my asshole of an ex in third year. Thank you for cutting Slytherin Quidditch practices down for Gryffindor in fourth year.”
A heartbeat.
“Thank you for saving me in the forest.”
Two heartbeats.
“Thank you for showing me the Slytherin way.”
Two hearts, beating as one.
“And, most of all - Jung Jaehyun, thank you for being the bravest boy I know.”
At some point, Doyoung had leaned forward to hold Jaehyun’s face, with an expression of reverence like he was protecting his most precious possession in the world. Jaehyun’s cheeks are hot, crimson and burning, and Doyoung’s hands leave a trail of fire in their wake.
“I’m going to be brave too,” Doyoung murmurs, so quiet but loud like the traitorous thundering of Jaehyun’s heart, like the blood that keeps singing Doyoung, Doyoung, Doyoung, in his veins. “I’m going to be brave,” Doyoung repeats, “okay?”
Jaehyun feels his head nod, almost imperceptible, and closes his eyes as Doyoung closes the gap - that’s my Gryffindor, Jaehyun thinks - and presses their lips together.
Finally, the fire through Jaehyun’s body is soothing, turning into tides that sigh like Doyoung against his mouth.
Kissing Doyoung doesn’t create fireworks, or sparks, or any explosions that burn and burn. Kissing Doyoung isn’t exhilarating. Kissing Doyoung isn’t heart-stopping.
Kissing Doyoung is Jaehyun, stripped bare, light and free from the heavy burdens he wears as a mask to the world. Kissing Doyoung is his anchor, keeping him from drifting at sea, where he’s been lost and shivering without sails. Kissing Doyoung is the first breath of air when he’s been drowning. Kissing Doyoung is the spell that binds him to his sanity. Kissing Doyoung is Jaehyun’s heart, feeling free and free and full, more at peace than he ever imagined he could be.