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Renjun craves affection as subtly as possible. When he watches a movie with a friend, he sneakily laces his fingers between theirs or leans in a little closer to them while their attention is centered on the movie. When he’s out for a meal with a group he loves to sit in booths so he can feel the warmth of someone else on his side. He likes to be with his clingier friends so he can pretend he hates their back-hugs and hand holding, but his heart aches for more.
But now, Renjun is busy as hell and he just doesn’t have time for casual get-togethers like that any more. He hates that.
His days are loaded with classes and homework and studying. He can’t remember why he ever thought it was such a good idea to enroll in this many, but he would never give up or drop anything. He feels like he’s writing more papers than he is taking classes, he has more notebooks with pages crammed with detailed notes and sloppy margin doodles than he’s ever had before. He can’t keep any of them straight.
He’s thankful to have befriended a couple other people in his classes, but that doesn’t mean he’s really getting the back-hugs he needs. They’re just not close enough for that. Yet.
He flops onto his bed, the springs squeaking under his force. It’s been another long day, he’s delirious. Jaemin has been telling him that coffee will help keep him awake during classes, but Renjun can’t bear the taste. Mark has left a dozen cans of Red Bull in his fridge, and it’s a sweet gesture but Renjun has no intention of ever drinking them. He hasn’t seen either of them for two weeks. Sure, they text, but it’s just not the same.
He sighs, he doesn’t know where the fuck his awkward roommate is. The fact that he’s with a freshman? Bullshit. This kid is a baby, he can barely form a sentence. Renjun hates that he kind of likes the younger boy.
The kid is like eight feet tall. Renjun hates looking up to see people, it makes him feel like they’re stronger, which they’re not, he reminds himself. His roommate has two friends and they’re always here, Renjun can’t get any quiet with one of their laughs. It’s so shrill and unbearable, he might kick the kid out one day.
The other one is handsome but Renjun doesn’t have time to think about that much. Not that he would if he did have the time. His roommate invites Renjun to eat with them, play board games with them (nerds, Renjun always dismisses that one), watch some sports game or even see their school’s team play, but he always declines. It’s clear that Jisung wants to get to know Renjun, but the elder acts like he doesn’t care. He wishes he could show what he felt more clearly.
On his infrequent calls with his mother, she always says he should open up to his roommate and spend time with the younger, but Renjun is stubborn as hell and won’t admit he’s going about things wrong, and he doesn’t know how to get to know his roommate better.
It’s about one in the morning, he should be back by now, but Renjun is so tired, he doesn’t wait for the younger and he drifts off to sleep.
—- —- —-
He wakes up to the smell of something burning, and it scares the shit out of him. He jumps out of his bed and runs to the only other room they have. Jisung is in the kitchen, there’s steam everywhere and it smells awful.
“Sorry, Renjun, I burnt the eggs.”
Renjun tells himself to take a deep breath, but he’s about to flip shit. This kid can’t even make eggs without burning them? How do you mess up eggs? Renjun watches in horror as Jisung dumps them into the trash can instead of the disposal. He fights himself to make sure he takes it lightly, to avoid yelling. He’d rather not make things worse.
“Jisung, food goes in the disposal unless if you want the apartment to smell like burnt eggs until someone takes out the trash,” he gets the Febreeze out from under the sink as Jisung clumsily tries to move only the eggs from the trash can to the sink.
“Sorry,” he shakes his head without looking up. “I don’t really know how to use the disposal, it kinda scares me, like, what if I drop something important in it or get my hand stuck. I dunno.”
“It isn’t sharp until you press the button to turn it on,” he uses all his will power to keep from calling Jisung an idiot. He watches as the freshman uses the sponge to loosen any burnt eggs still on the pan.
“Hey, are you okay with cereal? I can get you a bowl,” Renjun offers, and Jisung thanks him.
He works up onto his toes to reach the top shelf with the bowls. Stupid tall roommate, he thinks. He pours Frosted Flakes into the bowls and opens the fridge to discover that they’re out of milk.
“No milk today,” he announces. “Can you pick some up later?”
Jisung only nods, opening the fridge back up to pull out the Half-n-Half, which Renjun takes right back out of his hand and returns to the fridge. “No way.”
They eat in near silence up until Renjun finishes. He packs up his bag and heads towards the door. As he’s about to mumble a goodbye, Jisung interrupts.
“Oh, uh, also, my friends will be coming over for a movie tonight, if that’s alright. If you’re here, they would like it if you could join us,” he says shyly.
“Yeah, I guess if I have time, sure, Jisung. I’ll see if I can,” he hears the younger sigh with relief. “See you later.”
—- —- —-
It’s drizzling outside and Renjun’s tea is growing cold as he waits by the bus stop. He plugs in his earbuds to play quiet music to suit the gloomy weather outside. The bus pulls up noisily, squeaking as it breaks by the small glass box that he and a few other students wait inside of. He sits down in an empty seat, next to a window. He leans and presses his head to the glass, wondering if it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to watch the movie with his roommate and his noisy friends. It’s one Friday night, maybe he should live a little. He checks his group chat on his phone, most of his friends already have plans, others are so tired they’re turning in early. He might as well spend a bit of time with somebody.
The bus pulls up next to his building, Renjun runs off of the bus, cursing himself for not bringing an umbrella. He pushes through a crowd of slow-moving people to get to the entrance and into the dry, warm lecture hall. He fishes through his bag for his notebook and plays on his phone for a couple minutes while he waits for the lecture to actually begin. His history class, which he is in now, is one that he genuinely enjoys. The professor speaks with inflection and keeps the tired college students interested. Renjun’s phone buzzes once more before he sets it down.
Park Jisung
hey r u gna drink these red bulls or can i have 1
You
I don’t think I’ll ever drink those, you can have them all.
Park Jisung
u r the best
He turns off his ringer and drops his phone into his bag as the professor begins talking. He listens attentively and takes notes, finishing the lecture a little spacey but pretty energetic. He checks his phone once the lecture is over. He’s surprised to see another text from his roommate, who he generally doesn’t talk with much in person, much less needing to message him when they’re apart.
Park Jisung
ok jeno n chenle are coming over tonite any movie preferences bc i think they want to watch another christmas movie if thats ok
You
Yeah, that’s fine. Should I pick up snacks on the way back?
Park Jisung
that wld be gr8 :))
oh if u r going to the grocery store pls get milk too dry cereal makes me sad
He’s actually kind of excited to have a night off of studying, he doesn’t have too much to do for his history class later today. His phone buzzes again.
hYUCK :P
junnie will i ever see you again or are you going to live the rest of your life in the library :(((((((
You
uh, you’re invited to my funeral so you’ll see me then ! :D
hYUCK :P
so i take it you arent free soon?
You
yeah, im busy again tonight but maybe im free sunday morning? idk but we can do smth soon ! <3
hYUCK :P
:( im just busy!
2. the fact that id be a cute barista is beside the point, i Like my classes anyways
ill talk to you later, hyuckie? i gotta go pick up some stuff.
The rain has let up, and although the sidewalks are slippery, Renjun decides he can walk to the grocery store. What would his roommate’s annoying friends eat? He decides fruit doesn’t work very well for a movie night. But maybe something disgustingly, artificially fruit-flavored? He drifts towards the candy section.
There’s a million gummies, from worms to bears to fruit-shaped. He grabs a package of the worms and one of his favorite- peach rings. He also picks out a bag of M&M’s and a couple bags of microwave popcorn. He wonders if he should get chips too? He thinks they might have some at their dorm already, so he opts not to.
As he waits in line at the checkout, he notices himself thinking about Jisung, just a little bit. The way that the milk chocolate M&M insides are the same color as his once-orange hair has now become. The way that the boy always reads the back of the cereal box, draws in Sharpie on the word searches and mazes.
The milk! he remembers, darting out of line to the dairy isle. He picks out a full gallon of whatever milk was cheapest, rushing back into line.
Now, he can’t believe he was thinking about Jisung. He tells himself it must have been because he was getting candy for the younger. Yeah, that’s it. He pulls the loose bills from his pockets, uncrumpling them to hand to the cashier. He should probably have a wallet, but his current system works just as well.
She hands him the bags. Renjun really doesn’t want to walk all the way back to their dorms with a gallon of milk, so he checks if there are any more busses coming by. There’s one that goes from his lecture hall he was at earlier back to the street of his dorm building, so he heads back for that.
As he’s getting close, he realizes that he sees the bus- it’s already at his stop. Oh shit, he thinks. He’s far enough that he couldn’t make it now. He checks his phone for another bus, but there won’t be one for another two hours. He groans, he didn’t need this today. He doesn’t want to wait for another two hours. It’s only about four in the afternoon, he doesn’t think the others would be showing up until around seven, but he really doesn’t want to wait for two hours. Nobody has the patience for that.
His dorm is only a couple miles away, he wonders how expensive an Uber would be. He checks his phone and tries to call for one, and successfully, he’ll have an Uber there in about ten minutes. The name of the driver is familiar, but he can’t quite put a face to it. He plugs in his earbuds and waits patiently for the driver to pull up.
It’s a silver car, the license plate, no shit, reads YEET. Renjun is already concerned. He gets in and tells the driver his address.
When the driver turns around, he realizes where he recognized the name from- this was one of Jisung’s friends.
The boy turns around, looking a little excited. “Hi, Renjun!” he greets respectfully. “I’m Jeno, I’m friends with your roommate.”
Renjun smiles politely, hoping he hadn’t left too poor of an impression before. “Good to see you again,” he smiles.
“Are you, uh, watching the movie with us?” he asks without turning his head, eyes focused on the road in front of him.
“Yeah, actually,” he clears his throat. “I think I will tonight.”
“Oh, Sungie will be so excited,” Jeno laughs. “He really likes you, you know? I think the kid respects your work ethic.”
This makes Renjun smile a bit. He doesn’t think he’s even spent more than twenty minutes talking to the younger, Renjun could scroll up to their first texts without loading another page.
“Cool,” he settles with, trying to lose momentum in conversation, but Jeno wasn’t getting the hint.
“What movie do you want to watch tonight?”
“Uh, I think I’ll be fine with anything.”
“Really? Be careful what you say, Jisung has awful taste in movies!” he giggled.
“Yeah?” he paused. “Honestly, I’m not surprised.” He tries to loosen up a bit; to act friendlier to the other. Plus, he could swear Jeno was at least a sophomore, maybe even the same age as Renjun.
Jeno laughed. “So, what classes are you taking, Jeno?”
“Man, I’m taking some of the most boring stuff-“ he starts. “Computer science and programming stuff, mainly, plus I take dance, which is where I met Jisung.”
“Oh, cool.” How did Renjun miss the fact that Jisung dances? “What’s… what’s Jisung’s major?”
“He’s here on a scholarship for his dancing- have you seen him? He’s amazing. I guess he’s taking business alongside it, but he’s not half as dedicated than he is to his dancing.” Renjun feels like an idiot for never asking or figuring out. Maybe he’ll ask Jisung about that later.
He doesn’t know why he suddenly cares. He tries to convince himself that these thoughts will pass.
“Alright, you’re this building, right?” Jisung’s friend asks as he pulls in.
“Yeah, uh, do you want to park and come with me?” Renjun speaks as he presses on his phone to pay Jeno.
“Man, I wish. I gotta go finish some stuff up and pick up Chenle, but I’ll be back soon and I’ll bring him with me!” he smiles with his eyes, Renjun admits to himself that it’s quite nice. He turns around and the boy drives away.
Renjun stomps up the stairs, trying to figure out his own thoughts. On their floor, he makes a right and then a left and walks straight for his dorm.
He twists the key until he hears a click, pushing open the stiff door. Jisung is in the kitchen, rummaging through the fridge. He turns his head the moment Renjun walks in, smiling when he sees the small figure of the older boy.
“What did you bring?” he’s so excited that he skips any greeting at all, bounding toward Renjun to see the goodies in the plastic grocery bags.
“Honestly, everything,” Renjun smiles, putting in an effort to be friendlier, and pulling the hand holds apart to show his roommate what he had brought for their evening.
“You’re the best!” Jisung pats his shoulder, but Renjun instinctively backs away. Seeing the younger’s face turn pink with embarrassment, Renjun sets the bags down and apologizes, scurrying off to his room without looking up.
He feels awful. His head keeps replaying the moment, the look of terror on Jisung’s face. He feels guilty, he’s worried he’s been so mean to Jisung this far and their possibility for friendship is beyond repair.
He sighs, laying in his bed trying to decide what his next move would be.
Could he actually try to make things better with Jisung, or had he neglected him for long enough that there was no use trying? Maybe he had scared Jisung off.
Maybe it was for the best.
He couldn’t explain how or why Jisung had suddenly grown on him, why it wasn’t until recently that he had bothered to listen to him. What had changed his mind so much in such a short span of time? It was only hours ago that he was irritated by the mess of eggs that the younger had made in the kitchen, but now he was worried he had embarrassed him?
And in front of who?
He spends more time in his bed than he had initially planned, so finally he hauls himself out of bed, trying to “play it cool” as he re-enters the living area.
Jisung looks over at him and looks back down quickly. Renjun knows he’s messed up, but he’s afraid to say anything.
Jisung has arranged all of the snacks Renjun had brought into their cheap plastic bowls.
Jisung had filled the big ones with popcorn and chips, the smaller bowls were filled with M&M’s, and peach rings and gummy worms in the same bowl.
Renjun carries the bowls in two trips from the kitchen to the couch. He grabs the soda from the fridge and sets it down next to a stack of plastic cups.
And then, Renjun sits down. Jisung glances over without turning his head- Renjun can feel it. It’s not like they’re even very close on the couch, they’re on opposite ends of a three-cusion length couch. It’s still so, so uncomfortable.
And they sit there, in complete silence, until the doorbell rings. Renjun almost doesn’t stand up out of habit, but reminds himself that he’s trying to be friendlier, and gets up to greet the others at the door.
Jisung is already up, his long strides getting him to the door as Renjun is standing up and stretching.
And there’s already yelling. Renjun wonders if he’ll regret this, but he’s reminded of something he remembers somebody telling him- “college isn’t just about the academics, the social part is just as important sometimes.” Clearly, this hadn’t been very relevant until now, especially because Renjun can’t remember who had said this to him.
He immediately recognizes Jeno, particularly from their drive here, and assumes the other boy is Chenle. And, wow, this kid is loud. Jisung was so quiet and shy, Renjun can’t help but wonder how they became friends.
Jeno greets Renjun with open arms, which he walks into reluctantly. He can feel Jisung’s stare when Jeno immediately treats Renjun like an old friend. Chenle giggles through a greeting, introducing himself although it isn’t necessary. As they start to walk in, Chenle let’s out a loud yelp and runs towards the table where Renjun had spread out the food.
“You guys know what’s up!” he grins.
“Mm, the choices were all Renjun’s, thank him,” Jisung tells his friend, looking to Renjun and meeting his eye. He looks away just as quickly as he looked over.
“Thank you, Renjun!” Chenle says in a strange, melodic tone that Renjun can’t quite decipher.
Chenle hounds toward the couch, Jeno following closely behind him. They’re chattering about something, Renjun starts to wonder if Chenle’s energy was contagious, he shudders at the thought of being as eager and bouncy as the younger.
Jeno and Jisung sit down on each side of Chenle, and Renjun sits down next to Jisung in the open space. It’s a decently sized couch, and Renjun can’t help but be a little offended by the way that he scoots closer to Chenle when Renjun takes a seat.
He knows it’s his fault, too.
Jisung takes the remote and presses buttons, pulling up Netflix- which Renjun didn’t know they had until now- and making his way to the movie page.
“What are you guys feeling?” he asks, turning toward Chenle and Jeno- and away from Renjun.
“I’ll do anything,” Jeno nods.
“Can we do a comedy?” Chenle asks, to which everyone responds with a yes.
As they look for movies, Jisung faces away from Renjun, resultingly separating him from the others. Renjun decides that this was a bad idea. He feels like an outsider. Jisung is pushing him away and he should have expected it, considering the way he had pushed the younger away for so long.
He curses himself for having some strange realization, or change of heart, that causes him to realize he’s taken a liking to Jisung- perhaps too much. And it sucks, especially now, because he was trying to make amends but only made things worse.
He’s not paying any attention to the movie they choose by the time it starts. All he knows is they ended up picking some rom-com, and that Jisung won’t look at him.
Chenle is practically drowning in all of the food and sugar he’s eating as the movie is just beginning. Jeno is already fighting off sleep, his eyelids rising and falling slowly.
Jisung has his full attention aimed toward the screen. He’s focused on the characters and the plot, observant in a way Renjun had never noticed before.
And Renjun is isolated from the rest of the group. He wonders if it’s just in his head. He hates telling himself that he’s only overreacting, but there’s no other way to distract himself. He reaches into the bowl of popcorn, taking a whole handful and fitting as much into his mouth as he can.
About an hour into the movie, Jeno is asleep and Chenle might be- it’s hard to tell from Renjun’s angle. Jisung looks like he’s wide awake, absorbing each detail from the movie.
There are four boys on a couch. One is going through a crisis, trying to sort out his feelings, trying to decide whether or not to take a risk and talk to the other. The other three boys are completely oblivious to the issue on the other’s mind.
Is this fear? Renjun wonders. He was used to adrenaline mixed with fear- haunted houses and roller coasters- he has never felt this type of fear before; to be scared of the reactions of someone who he knows can’t and won’t hurt him. It’s stupid.
Jisung looks over, but Renjun isn’t watching the movie- he’s focused on his roommate. He’s been caught.
They lock eyes- Renjun can tell that it’s taking all of Jisung’s willpower not to look away.
Finally, Renjun forms the words he’s been trying to say, “can we talk?”
It’s a little underwhelming, he can tell, but it’s a start.
“About what?” are his ears mistaken, or was that kind of mocking?
“I’d like to think you know,” he pauses, “but if you insist, about everything. About earlier today and about the first time we met and now and everything between those.” He’s thankful the lights are off, not wanting to imagine just how red his face is now.
“Yeah?” Jisung starts. “What about it, then, Renjun?” There’s a heaviness to his tone, a sadness, even, that’s detectable even as they whisper. Usually, Renjun kind of likes the way Jisung says his name, but now it feels like an insult. He knows there’s a lot to clear up.
“I’m sorry, for being weird. I try to be better- I do, I just… I don’t know. It isn’t that I don’t like you, you seem like a nice guy, I’m just… weird about meeting new people, I guess.”
“Yeah. I could tell,” he pauses, thoughtfully. “Maybe, we could start over? None of that cheesy stuff in movies where we go ‘oh hi I’m Jisung,’ ‘hee hee I’m Renjun!’ but like; a fresh start, none of this awkward bullshit.” Renjun laughs at the way he squeals a bit when he pretends to be Renjun.
“I do not sound like that!” he shoves Jisung’s shoulder.
“I do not doubt like that!” Jisung mocks again.
“Maybe you aren’t worth the fresh start!” Renjun pouts, watching Jisung’s expression quickly change.
“No! No, wait! I’ll be nice!” now, it’s Jisung’s turn to pout.
“Where do we start, then?”
Jisung wraps his arm around Renjun, startling him as he snuggles up closer to the smaller boy. “Right here,” Jisung whispers. It’s still cheesy, but it’s perfect.
Today, Renjun decides Jisung might not be such a bad roommate after all.