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i.
The first time he notices, they are in the middle of a radio broadcast. Out of the corner of his eye, Seungkwan can see Seokmin’s fingers edge closer to his and after a series of animated movements accompanied by some lively laughter, his hand comes to lay on top of Seungkwan’s. Nobody seems to notice anything out of the ordinary, and in no time at all, Seungkwan pulls his hand away, waiting to see if a little frown will form on Seokmin’s face. Nothing happens. Seokmin isn’t even looking directly at him, instead shuffling the papers in front of him in search of the right script. He puts it down to pure coincidence and timing, and tries not to think about Seokmin’s fingers, long and thin, covering his own.
ii.
The next time he catches Seokmin trying to be subtle about it, they are shooting a behind-the-scenes video for a music show. Seungkwan isn’t really sure which at this point in their promotions, but he tries his best to be lively and not give away the less than 4 hours of sleep he had gotten the night before. Seokmin has been shooting him concerned looks for the last several hours, bringing him water, and letting him rest his head on his shoulder in between takes. Although they had gone to bed at the same time, Seokmin’s face doesn’t betray a hint of the tiredness he must feel.
They’re doing an interview together, camera light pointed directly in their faces and Seungkwan finds himself swept up in the jokes and the compliments coming at them from the PD, putting all earlier distractions behind him. It isn’t until they’re asked which member they think has improved the most, that Seungkwan notices Seokmin’s hand on his arm. By the time he’s fully realized, Seokmin has already slipped his left hand into Seungkwan’s right, holding them both slightly behind his back. Seungkwan, although startled, thinks it must be nerves and squeezes Seokmin’s hand in support. Seokmin’s shoulders visibly relax, but he doesn’t let go of Seungkwan’s hand until Mingyu comes barging into their interview, demanding recognition for being the most handsome member. The physical barrier Mingyu presents brings Seungkwan back to the present, although he can still feel the warm press of Seokmin’s hand against his own. When he finally builds up the courage to look at Seokmin’s face, he’s in the middle of laughing at something Mingyu said and avoiding Seungkwan’s eyes. Seungkwan knows how touchy-feely the members can get when cameras are around, and brushes it off as nothing, jumping right back in to the interview.
iii.
The last week of promotions is hell, but it’s nothing Seungkwan isn’t used to. From being rushed to interview after interview, to music shows as early as 3 AM, he’s been through the wringer before, they all have. This time though, Seungkwan is glad that it’s almost over. Despite the excitement of their music show wins and the loud, unwavering cheering of their fans, he feels like death by the end of their last music show rehearsal. The members are all cooling off while a playback of their rehearsal shows on the screen in front of them, 13 pairs of eyes scanning for mistakes or slip-ups, folded tissues tucked beneath carefully styled bangs. Seungkwan takes a break from monitoring to get his foundation touched up, and when he turns back around, finds that everyone has dispersed, Jeonghan and Junhui setting up camp on one of the pale-yellow couches and Chan doing his crazy complicated stretches in one corner. All members are accounted for except for one. Seungkwan asks around to see if anyone knows where Seokmin went. They’re supposed to practice their lines together for their joint MC gig later today, and Seungkwan can feel his nerves getting the better of him. He isn’t usually this nervous, but the expectation in the room weighs on him. It’s harder than he thought to maintain the bubbly façade today, and he sighs before leaving the waiting room in search of Seokmin.
Eventually he finds him leaning against the wall in some far away hallway, staring in concentration at his cue cards, brows furrowing and lips pursed. He hasn’t heard Seungkwan turn the corner, and it takes a clear of the throat and a soft “hyung” to get him to look up. Seokmin’s expression immediately lightens, and he quickly walks over to Seungkwan, arm outstretched, and grabs Seungkwan's hand in his own. His smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and Seungkwan knows from years of experience that he’s trying not to let on how nervous he is. He sighs before returning Seokmin’s smile and ruffling his hair, earning him an indignant huff and a deathly glare. They make quick work of their lines and Seungkwan can feel the weight lifting off his shoulders with every silly crack they make at the overly formal script. Something about Seokmin’s pout when Seungkwan doesn’t give him the reaction he’s looking for makes Seungkwan’s stomach knot. He can’t quite define how Seokmin makes him feel, but he knows it’s the first time he’s ever experienced anything like it.
iv.
Seungkwan is crying. He’s perched precariously on one of the toilets in the men’s room and he’s trying to keep his sniffles to a minimum. Today was the first day of shooting for a variety show that Seungkwan had been cast in, and it was, in a word, overwhelming. Seungkwan is loud; he knows he is, but on this show he feels as if a white-hot spotlight is trained on him in a way that is completely unfamiliar. When there are 12 other people in the room with you, the attention is dispersed, and there are brief moments of respite in the pandemonium that is variety television. This time, it’s just him and his co-hosts, and if he doesn’t manage to maintain a certain momentum during the show, he knows his chances of staying on are slim.
Seungkwan is wiping his face with his shirtsleeves and waiting for the ebb of tears to slow when a handkerchief appears near his shin, followed by an arm that stretches from the stall to his left. “Seungkwanie?” he hears, and it’s a voice he knows very well, one that usually bellows in a cacophony of sounds around the room, one that belts notes right into Seungkwan’s face when he’s trying to sleep, and one that comforts him at night when sleep evades him. Seungkwan opens the stall door to find Seokmin standing outside it, face free of makeup and hair down over eyebrows furrowed with concern. Seokmin reaches out and takes Seungkwan’s hand in his own and starts to explain that he and Hansol are here to support Seungkwan after his first taping, but Seungkwan doesn’t process most of it with Seokmin’s hand in his. It’s like an anchor, bringing Seungkwan back down to earth and reminding him how lucky he is to be where he is. Seokmin puts the handkerchief in Seungkwan’s hand and ruffles his hair, telling him he’ll be waiting for him in the dressing room with Hansol. Seokmin doesn’t make him feel bad for crying, doesn’t even bring it up, but Seungkwan feels a tinge of pink rise in his cheeks and quickly wipes the tears off his face. When he meets them in the dressing room later, Seokmin acts like nothing has happened and proceeds to loudly and unabashedly tease Seungkwan about his variety performance, imitating him while Hansol laughs and takes videos on his phone.
v.
There’s a lull between promotions, and Seungkwan finds himself crawling up the wall from being cooped up in the dorms. He’s gone through seemingly every TV show and every movie on the face of the earth, and if Joshua makes them re-watch the entirety of Friends again, Seungkwan is going to clap himself into an early grave. Seokmin decides that a “night on the town” is what they all need, and when Chan kindly reminds him that they’re not in fact white women in their mid-30s, Seokmin pretends not to hear anything at all, instead sauntering off to his room to put on a pair of his best (read: ugliest) basketball shoes.
It’s spring in Seoul, and by the time they all step out of the door it’s already early evening, meaning a light breeze is carrying itself through the tight alleyways and busy streets of the city. Seokmin had convinced Chan, Hansol, Minghao, and Seungkwan to join him on his outing, and he drags them all to the nearest karaoke place he can find, where he proceeds to order and chug drinks like it’s the end of the world. Seungkwan had set his sights on the tambourine as soon as they walked in and had held it in a vice grip ever since, giving Seokmin a dirty look when he tried to grab it during one of his performances. After what seems like 100 songs and countless more soju bombs, Chan puts an end to the party, standing up and flatly announcing that he’d be heading home. He leaves to a chorus of boos from Seokmin and Hansol, both of whom are pink in the face and more than a little wasted, and is promptly followed by Minghao, who thinks to split the cab fare home.
It's 1 AM, Hansol is dozing on one of the light pink velvet couches in the room, and Seokmin and Seungkwan are taking turns singing After School deep cuts, their earlier enthusiasm replaced by a soft buzz and heavy eyelids. “Hyung, I think we’re getting old,” Seungkwan says after his 5th yawn in a row, and Seokmin just laughs, feeling every bit of his 22 years in the dull ache that’s beginning to form in his head.
They decide to call it a night, and Seungkwan turns his head to call out to Hansol and wake him up, but he’s cut short by a sensation that’s becoming all too familiar to him, something that stops his voice right in his throat. When he looks back, Seokmin is holding both of Seungkwan’s hands in his own, and he has such a determined look on his face that Seungkwan bursts out laughing. He knows what Seokmin wants to say, because it’s exactly what Seungkwan has been struggling to get out for the last couple of years, but in the moment, he can’t help but laugh. His hands let go of Seokmin’s, and a look of worry starts to cross Seokmin’s face, quickly vanishing when he realizes that Seungkwan’s hands are cupping his face and that Seungkwan is inching closer until his lips come to rest on top of Seokmin’s own. At first, Seokmin feels frozen in place, trepidation creeping in and drunkenness not helping, but Seungkwan’s hands around the back of his neck spur him into action. Seungkwan laughs into his mouth and pulls back to rest his face in Seokmin’s neck, ears burning and heart pounding in his chest.
Hansol comes to soon after, eyes glassy from sleep, and demands a piggyback ride to the cab.