Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

She’s in the dressing room, sliding the straps of the two-piece’s top half over her shoulders, looking at herself in the mirror.

There’s no way she’s going to be able to do this.

Seeing two things - both the scars on her arms and the multitude of fresh cuts - tells her that going to the beach is a horrible, horrible idea.

She knows she very well could just wear a shirt and some shorts, because her thighs are clean and it’d spare her the Walk of Shame down to the water, but for some reason something in her head is urging her to continue on with this stupid little idea.

Maybe it has something to do with the short, pink-haired girl waiting patiently outside the dressing rooms.

Maybe it has something to do with the new year, and her resolution - to “do better”.

Maybe it has something to do with the cuts.

She adjusts the bikini top over her breasts and sighs heavily; finally, she’s found a pair that relatively fit. That was another reason she was reconsidering this idea altogether: shopping for bikini tops was absolute hell for her.

Natsuki had it easy - she could literally just throw on the first top she sees and call it a day. But they had been there all morning just trying to find something that fit Yuri, something that didn’t literally make it hard for her to breathe. Normally she’d be able to say something reassuring to herself about how all the hard work paid off, but this achievement was just leading to a full day of uncertainty at the beach.

She really didn’t want to do this anymore.

Nonetheless, she stripped the bikini pieces off and begin redressing herself in her usual clothes, thankful to cover her shoulders again although nobody could have seen them yet anyway.

The moment she steps out of the dressing room, she sees Natsuki look up from staring at cute shirts on a nearby rack. She has an expectant look in her eye, to which Yuri responds with a shy nod.

A smile of relief captures the smaller girl’s face and she ducks her head for a minute before digging into her cat purse and fishing out a couple dollars.

They ring the bikini up at the desk next to the dressing rooms, and all the while they’re doing so, Yuri is pretending to look somewhere else. She doesn’t doubt the cashier knows they’ve been there all morning; she’d helped them at one point, even though they had to try five more sizes than what she recommended.

The moment they get a bag for the bikini, Yuri shoves it in so she won’t have to look at it again. They both head out for the car, and Natsuki is ranting on and on about how fun the beach is gonna be, how pretty the water is, how nice the weather is, how perfect the timing is. Yuri feigns agreement, but deep down inside her she feels like she could pass out from the anxiety.

She really doesn’t want to do this.

Natsuki catches on during the car ride. What’s even worse about this trip is that Yuri - the only one between the two that has a driver’s license - is the one driving. She’s driving herself to one of the most stressful situations she’ll ever be in. All she wants to do is go back home and hide in her room.

An itch starts on her shoulder and she bites her lip.

She didn’t even bring her knife.

They make another stop along the way, at a roadside convenience store right in the middle of nowhere. Yuri almost has a panic attack waiting on Natsuki to get back in the car. She’s so far away from home that she doesn’t even know which way she would go if she could go back.

Natsuki hops back into the car minutes later, notices the teary eyes and shaky hands, and begins to call the entire thing quits.

“I’m fine.” Yuri says, as she always does in similar situations. “It’s okay. I’m just not used to driving. We don’t have to cancel. I kn-know you really want to go so please don’t let me stop-”

Natsuki reaches over, tired of the rant already, and firmly grasps Yuri’s hand, slowly guiding it away from the steering wheel and resting it on her own lap. Yuri looks at her, still shaking like a chihuahua, and unable to stop like one, too.

“If we’re going to go at all, we’re going when we both want to.” Natsuki says sternly. “I do want to go, but it isn’t going to be any fun if you aren’t comfortable. If you have any reason you don’t want to do this, even if it’s just because you’re anxious, you need to tell me. Because as long as I can help it, I’m not letting myself put you in situations where you’re afraid.”

Yuri uses her free hand to wipe her eyes as the first of the tears start to overflow. “I-I don’t want anybody to see m-m-my arms. But I’ll look dumb wearing my normal clothes.” She sobs out, her free hand clutching the steering wheel. “Deep down I do want to go, but there’s something holding me back… there always is…”

“If you don’t think there’s a way around this one, we can turn the car around and go home right now.” Natsuki replies. “I’m serious, Yuri, you shouldn’t be putting yourself in this turmoil just to make me happy. It isn’t healthy.”

“I m-made you spend all that mo-money and now we ha-have to go.” Yuri says, the tears doubling as she feels the familiar feeling of anxiety gripping her chest. Fuck, why didn’t she bring her knife?

“No we don’t!” Natsuki says, grabbing her cat purse and opening it up. “Look. Look at how much money is in there. Look at how much money the kitty has.”

Sniffling, Yuri looks. Through blurred vision, she sees at least one twenty dollar bill.

“The kitty is full of money.” Natsuki continues. “We’re full of money. We have enough to do this trip thirty times in a row! If this isn’t the time, then it isn’t the time, Yuri. We can go back home and we can do whatever makes you feel comfortable. So now I’m going to ask you. Do you want to go home, or do you want to take a few minutes and continue the drive?”

Yuri has to bow her head for a moment as she struggles to get her breaths under control. “I’m sorry.” She mutters. “I’m sorry. Just a minute. I wa-want to go, we can go, I just-!”

“Yuri, look at me.” Natsuki commands again, and the moment Yuri does so, the pink-haired girl takes both of Yuri’s hands in hers. “Remember what we practiced?”

Yuri’s expression changes slightly. She does remember the breathing exercises.

“We’ll start with two.” Natsuki says softly, and then it begins. She takes an inhale of breath, waiting until Yuri follows before starting to count. “One… two.”

When Yuri exhales, it gets stuck in her throat and she has to gasp again. Her hands clasp around Natsuki’s tightly, almost desperately.

Natsuki counts again. “One… two.”

The next exhale passes through without a problem, and so they go to three. With every breath that goes in and out, slowly the anxiety leaves, the tears dry, and the shaking stops.

They’re at six, the highest both of them can go without forcing breath in or out, when Yuri pulls away and wipes her cheeks.

“I’m sorry.” She mutters, and bows her head, looking like a dog lost out in the rain.

Natsuki leans back in her seat, speaking the softest she can after such an ordeal. “Where do we go from here? It’s your call.”

Wordlessly, Yuri sniffles, turns the keys in the ignition, pulls the car out of the parking lot, and gets on the road, headed in the direction of the beach.

Chapter Text

The moment Natsuki tells her to turn the car left, she catches sight of all the people on the shore and dies a little more inside.

It’s less crowded than what she imagined, but there’s still about twelve people too many, both in the water and on the sand.

She parks the car in the nearest open spot and only sits there for a moment, running a hand along the right side of her neck, to the back of it, and up through her hair as she takes a breath and lets it go. Natsuki is staring at the water in the distance when Yuri asks the question.

“Do you… have the bandages?”

Given Yuri makes it to the water, she’ll be swimming in salt.

She’s covered in scars, but she knows there are still a select few on her arms that will get agitated if the salt touches them.

Natsuki nods, and pulls out the tiny box to show her.

That’s good enough.

Grabbing the car door handle and pushing it open feels like a gigantic milestone by itself, but actually stepping out makes Yuri feel suddenly weak, wobbly, and afraid all over again.

Natsuki rounds the side of the car after digging through the backseat to find some extra things they picked up, one of which includes a giant beach ball, and takes a look at Yuri.

“Are you sure that you want to-”

Yuri looks towards the ocean and, knowing she’ll try to change her mind, quickly blurts out, “Let’s go.”

They step over the curb separating the parking lot from the actual beach, and the search for a vacant changing room begins. It doesn’t take them long or even much of a walk to find one, and Yuri hesitates before stepping inside.

This is it. This is the threshold she has to cross to develop, to become stronger.

She feels slightly dumb comparing these things to archetypes in a book, but it’s the only way she gets her clothes off without completely breaking down again.

The purple-haired girl takes one look at her shoulders in the mirror, and then swiftly turns her head away. She practically throws the bikini top on, hurrying to complete the set with the bottom piece.

It’s actually opening the door that’s the hard part.

Yuri stands in front of it for minutes longer than it took her to get dressed, wishing with everything in her that she could just go home.

It’s only when the chatter outside the changing room quiets down that she actually steps out.

Natsuki is to the left of the changing room, and she looks up as she hears the sound of the door opening.

The moment she catches sight of Yuri’s bare shoulders, she forces herself to look upwards, at those shining, timid eyes.

Immediately, Natsuki grabs Yuri’s hands and turns her back in the direction of the ocean.

Yuri’s heart is beating a thousand miles a minute now that she’s actually out. The eyes are on her. She knows they are. The claws of anxiety grip her heart, and she clutches Natsuki’s hands tighter, like if she doesn’t, the girl will fade away.

Natsuki begins the first steps backwards, pulling, slowly coaxing Yuri in. The purple haired girl is shaking, trying to keep a grasp on herself, but all she wants to do is run back to the car and drive back home.

A staring stranger catches her eye, but she doesn’t have time to read their expression before a hand - Natsuki’s hand - is on her chin, turning her head again so that they can maintain eye contact.

“Don’t look at them.” She says softly. “Look at me.”

The feeling of the hot wind on her arms is both terrifying and soothing.

All around her she can feel the eyes, watching her, taking in the sight of every cut, every scar, every stitch from recovery routines that she backed out on for the continuous thrill of the knife.

Yet, strangely, there’s no itch.

Natsuki’s sandals touch the water, and the salt ocean sweeps past her ankles, over her toes.

Yuri lets out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding as, suddenly, she isn’t being pulled.

There’s no reason for her to be. She’s made it to the water.

Now, there’s only one question needing to be asked.

“Do you want to go in?”

Yuri looks past the shorter girl, into the ocean.

She can’t go past her waist in the water, or the salt will irritate her wounds.

Nonetheless, it’s an experience she feels she needs to have.

She’s gotten this far, anyway.

Biting her lip, she ponders a bit more before her decision is made.

“Fuck it.” She mutters.

Natsuki, caught by surprise, can only watch in disbelief as Yuri’s hands separate from hers, and the taller girl moves past her, right into the water, without a second thought.

The salt ocean touches her elbows and reminds her with a sting that they, too, are fucked up by cuts.

But she’s in the water.

She’s…

“Holy shit.” She breathes out, as if she’s just seen the most beautiful thing in all the world.

“I know.” Natsuki replies softly, after she’d turned around to face the taller girl. “You made it. You got in the water.”

Then, from the crowd, comes a single, feminine voice.

“Good job!”

Yuri cranes her neck to try and see who it is, her brain automatically assuming either Sayori or Monika, conveniently at the same beach at the same time as Yuri and Natsuki.

But when she sees the woman, she finds she doesn’t know her at all.

Natsuki has turned back around to look as well, and even she looks confused.

“Good on ya!”

It’s another call, from a man this time. Yuri tries to track it, to put a voice to a face, but becomes completely discombobulated as, suddenly, everybody is calling at her.

It takes her confused brain a moment to realize what’s happening.

People are cheering for her.

Naturally, her shoulder slouches and she bows her head, as she’s always done receiving praise, or just copious, mass amounts of attention.

She thanks them in a frail voice, but it hardly reaches Natsuki, so she knows the crowd can’t hear it.

Slowly but surely, the crowd disperses, and the cheering stops.

But Natsuki turns and looks back at her again, looking like the parent of an all-star child with how much proudness she has in her eyes. She turns around in the water, standing on her tip-toes, just tall enough to plant a kiss on the taller girl’s cheek.

“I’m so proud of you.” She mutters softly, before resting on flat feet again.

Yuri blushes, the aura of the other beachgoers radiating around her.

“Natsuki…” She whines out. Natsuki already knows; Yuri is timid with affection, especially in front of strangers.

“Sorry.” Natsuki apologizes.

There’s a small pause, wherein nothing is said, until finally Yuri sighs.

“Fuck it.”

Faster than Natsuki can realize what’s happening, Yuri grabs her by the hips, tugs her closer, leans down, and kisses her.

She’s pretty sure it’s their best kiss yet.

While her brain is going crazy, Yuri’s is measuring a big accomplishment.

That’s two boundaries down.

And it feels amazing.