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Shen Qingqiu wakes up with a scream. His throat is dry, burning as he yells out his horror. Tears drip down his jaw seconds later, lightly stroking his neck in an attempt to soothe. Everything dissolves into sobs.
A familiar hand clutches his, hesitantly reaching back when he doesn't object, until he's held in an embrace, reminiscent of his days on the street. Shen Qingqiu imagines those same hands, smaller, stroking through his hair, a gentle voice offering reassurance.
“Are you alright, Qingqiu-shidi?”
Shen Qingqiu continues crying. It's pathetic but what could be more suitable for someone like him? No matter how much he tries, he can't stop.
To trap him in a dream like this, Luo Binghe's punishment is truly never-ending.
The first time he tries to slay the beast, he fails. It's only a day after his breakdown in Yue Qingyuan's arms that he draws Xiu Ya with purpose. This Luo Binghe's foundation isn't even solid, he tells himself. It will be easy.
His limbs, new-old and strange after months of disuse, fail him. He collapses on himself before his sword can taste blood and soon is restrained further, opposition drawn by the sound of Ning Yingying's screams. Shen Qingqiu isn't the type to explain himself but this time, for Yue Qi's sake, he does.
He's a demon, he spits out as someone seals his meridians. He'll kill us all.
The next few times are not much more successful. Yue Qingyuan never hesitates to sacrifice himself to shield Shen Qingqiu. The poison he slips into a bowl of rice with a smile and a comment about how this master saw you working hard, is eagerly received but even more eager is the shout of food made by Shizun? A-Luo, let me have a bite!
Shen Qingqiu watches as the girl who smiles like Qiu Haitang collapses. She convulses in on herself, struggling for breath, and soon turns pale. She was always so small, her features are even more fragile looking in death.
This, Shen Qingqiu realizes as he slowly stumbles backwards, is no illusion.
Liu Qingge cannot be saved. There are certain things Shen Qingqiu cannot change, as much as he tries, and this is one of them.
In his first life, his qi wreaked havoc in his fellow peak lord’s body. A smirk of satisfaction as he finally got the other pinned down turned into horror as Liu Qingge vomited blood, his expression growing more and more twisted. His limbs lashed out, striking everything in range—it took all Shen Qingqiu had then to contain him, reason slowing down as his own inner demons decided to act up, driven by his own failure to cultivate—and then there is nothing, apart from a body.
Nothing changes the second time, nor does it the third. Even Shen Qingqiu's attempts to toss everything aside and grab a healer are a failure, the man expiring before help can reach him.
Shen Qingqiu stops cultivating in the spirit caves from then on.
In one life, he does not turn around and walk away as Luo Binghe, exhausted, trips into the Abyss. Instead of ignoring his student's desperate cries for help, he fishes him out instead. A Luo Binghe without Xin Mo is a Luo Binghe incapable of taking on the world, much less Yue Qingyuan. Not the solution he would have sought, but a solution nonetheless.
Three years later, unable to bear his treatment any longer, Luo Binghe flees into the demon world.
He was never capable of refusing Qiu Haitang and he is no more capable of it now. In each and every life, he accepts her accusations, her judgement, without a word.
Countless loops, decades of additional experience, still leave him wanting in the face of Luo Binghe's skills. No matter how much he struggles, this monster, little more than a child, will always find a way to defeat him.
Sometimes he is locked away in the water prison, sometimes the palace itself. Every single time, Yue Qingyuan rushes to save him.
Please, he begs, all pride long left behind in the dust.
Take this body, this soul— unconsciously Shen Qingqiu mirrors the words another had asked, lifetimes back—just let him live.
Shen Jiu, years older, watches the Qiu manor burn alongside his younger dream self. Flames rise higher and higher as beams snap and the injured inside scream. Wiping the tears away from his face, his younger self leaves with the promise of a new life.
Shen Jiu, dry-eyed, walks to the end of his.
After three days of fever, Shen Qingqiu wakes.
An unfamiliar man sits by his beside, gripping his hand tight.