Archive of Our Own ^beta

Eiji leisurely opened his eyes, gazing up at the dilapidated ceiling barely holding over his head. It was dark, somber, and would most likely seem lacking if he didn't know it was there. "Must be nighttime, then," he muttered to himself, groaning as he rose his hand along with the blanket over his head so he could doze off a little longer. But it was no use now, he knew: he was already awake.

Buried underneath the pile of sheets as the noises of the city resounded although muffled to his ears, he couldn't help but be sunken in his own thoughts. He was clueless as for why his body was so adamant on waking him up during the night like this. It's not like he could blame the jetlag at this point, with how long it had been since his departure from Japan. And despite the fact that it was true he still had difficulty to accustomise himself to a lifestyle so radically divergent from his own, it's not like nightmares or regrets were waking him up. He just did.

In fact, it was this unusual new habit that always put him in uncertain situations with Ash. He was usually awake as well, but it was for his own reasons. All the demons and the pain twirling around his head, Eiji couldn't even begin to imagine what they were filled with. It hurt him just thinking about it. He heard his cries piercing the silence filled with twilight, and for some reason, he couldn't justify himself as to why he never said anything. Guilt, maybe? Pity, fear? Whatever it was, he was aware that Ash needed someone by his side, maybe now more than ever. Eiji thought he'd be that someone, but he wasn't worth much if he was unable to even comfort him.

"Ash..." Eiji didn't know why he mumbled his name, but his face was quick enough to emerge in his brain. Ash, with his tousled golden locks, always covering his face, with his soft skin tinted like porcelain, with his piercing emerald gaze that somehow ever seemed to read in the depths of his mind, with his lips--no, best to forget about the lips. Best not think about it at all.

And yet, Eiji couldn't impede the small smile forming at the corner of his lips. He knew he'd fallen for him. He'd known for a while even. But with the current situation, merged with the millions of plot twists that kept falling unbattered onto them, it was more than clear that those kinds of feelings were bound to end up nowhere. If anything, it would probably endanger both of them even more, something that was clearly not in the demand as the prevailing events unfolded. The thought was quick to wash away the smile from his face.  

Now that he was thinking about it though, the apartment was completely silent. Even as he lowered the noise of his own breath to listen up, Eiji was unable to hear anything except for the usual sounds coming from the street. Softly pushing the covers away, the young man turned his body towards the bed at the other edge of the room, his eyes gradually getting accustomed to the darkness as he tried to locate Ash. But after a few seconds, he was quick to realize the truth: he wasn't there.

"Shit, not again..." Eiji mumbled to himself, fearing what could very much be the worst as it had been so many times in the past. What dangerous and potentially suicidal scheme had he gotten himself into this time?

As he hurried to put his socks on before spending the following minute struggling at finding his shoes, Eiji had the time to make up all the possible catastrophe scenarios inside his head. All those 'what if's was rendering him sick, but he did his best to ignore it. He couldn't fail Ash now. He would never.

After running around the apartment complex for at least 20 minutes, yelling out his name repeatedly, he briefly came to the conclusion that the probability under which he had left the building was alarmingly high. His search eventually led him outside the front door, on the run-down pavement devoid of noise and life. No traces of him yet again.

As he did his best at holding in the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes, a subtle movement to his right made him flinch, his instincts instantly kicking in as he pulled up the gun he'd been holding in front of his face towards his assailant. He was too scared to look, however, but the exclamation of surprise that quickly followed was enough to make him open his eyes.

"Woah hey don't shoot!" a nosey voice yelled out, and Eiji was quick to realize it was Bones, one of Ash's subordinates. "It's me!"
Eiji hurried to put the weapon back into his pocket, feeling his cheeks reddening from the shame. "S-sorry, didn't mean to..." he mumbled, his voice so low he wasn't even sure Bones had heard his apology.

Taking another puff from the cigarette he was holding, the redhead sighed loudly. "Man, at least you're not too quick with the trigger..." he laughed softly as his gaze pivoted towards the barren street. "You should go back inside. Pretty sure Boss would actually kill me if anything happened to you out there."

"Have you seen him?"

Startled by the sudden rise in Eiji's voice,  the man turned back to him, frowning in disarray. "It's the middle of the night kid," he mentioned, shrugging faintly. "Boss does whatever he wants."
"But has he left the building?"

Bones took a few additional seconds to process the question. "Left?" he repeated once more. "No, I don't think so. But he's usually on the rooftop when he needs some alone time."

Eiji's face was instantly illuminated by delight and comfort. So Ash was alright after all. What a relief. He sighed, happy to finally let out the pressure that had been building incessantly inside his brain for the past half hour. "Thank you!" he exclaimed, hurrying back inside.

"Be careful though!" he heard Bones yell from the other side of the door. "The last guy that bothered him ended up with two missing teeth."

...oh. Well, he was willing to take that chance, wasn't he?

☀☀☀☀☀

The sky was as clear as it could be on a summer night in one of the brightest cities in the world. Although you couldn't see much up there, light pollution and all, for Ash that's all he had known for the longest time, up to the point in which seeing only a mere fraction of what the firmament had to show was enough to make him relatively pleased.

He was unsure of why he liked the stars so much. They were bright, and yet so far away. Beautiful yet unattainable. When his eyes were looking up, his mind went blank as he was mesmerized the fiery orbs of lights piercing through the fog of New York's suffocating glow. Maybe this is what attracted him so much after all: the stars wanted nothing from him. They were doomed to merely look pretty from afar.

Ash snorted, laughing at his own cheesiness as he took another sip from the beer can next to him. "Yeah, stars are too pure for this shitshow of a world anyway," he muttered under his own breath.

His mind had been so preoccupied with the events unfolding one after the other recently that he could barely remember the last time he had some time by himself. There was always someone, always another question, another report, another death, another mourning. It never stopped, barely for a second. He hardly had time to sleep, and when he actually did he was unable too. These damn nightmares were beating him up from the inside, which was arguably worse than anything else. He needed sleep, but he loathed it as well. He wasn't dumb: he knew perfectly well this was going to come back to bite him in the ass later on. "Hopefully, I won't be around by then," he mumbled.

There was only one thing that alleviated his mental burden, something that not even alcohol could do. "Eiji..." Ash felt his whole body relaxing under the mere whisper of his name. It's almost as if the boy had cast a hex on him; good thing he didn't believe in magic.

Nobody had ever managed to trigger such a reaction from him. He knew nothing of love. His whole existence was plagued by pain and suffering. He'd been used, tortured, violated, and promised himself ever since to never let anyone get close to him again. He was familiar to fear, to hate, to despair, but this... He didn't know how to react to this feeling. Funny, for the guy who was always two steps further than anyone, that he wasn't able to sort out his own emotions.

He grumbled, emptying the rest of his beer in one gulp. This whole thing was making him frustrated. He cared a lot for Eiji, and his presence by his side was one of the best things that ever happened to him. And yet, as the days went on, it was only getting more and more dangerous the closest he got to him. He feared this wouldn't end well, although for once, he dearly hoped he was wrong.

The sudden noise of the metal door to the rooftop being pushed against the wall made his whole body stiffen, and in the following second, he already had his pistol out, ready to shoot whoever enemy thought it was a bright idea to bother him now.

"Ash!" the light-hearted voice instantly calmed him down. Eiji really held that much power on him. "It's me!"

The blonde man couldn't help but smile, as he usually did around him. "Of course it is." he knew perfectly well that none of his subordinates would ever dare to barge in like this in his secret spot. Eiji was the only one bold enough to do it, and in retrospect, probably the only one allowed to.

Eiji's silhouette got clearer in the darkness as he stepped forward until Ash could finally see his face, beaming. "I got so scared you were off to do something reckless again."

"Not today, at least..."

The dark-haired boy sighed in relief. "I'm glad to hear it."

Ash stuffed his gun back into his pants. "You should go back to sleep," he affirmed, throwing the beer can further away from the building towards the city. "You'll need it."

"I'm already awake." Eiji protested, shaking his head lightly. "I doubt I'll be able to."

"I see..." he nodded to himself. He knew perfectly well how that felt. "Well, in that case," he smirked, patting the cement floor next to him, "you can take a seat."

So he did. As he dropped his body down, the first thing he did was gaze upwards with his adorable smile, the stars reverberating in his eyes like a mirror devoid of dust. Eiji's eyes had this kind of magic within them: and yet, like in a true mirror, there was always your own reflection. Although to Ash, it was a reminder. Of how fundamentally different they both were.

"I understand why you like coming here," Eiji whispered softly, breaking Ash away from his trance. "It's beautiful, really."

"Beautiful as much as New York under a mafia war can be..." the blonde replied.

Eiji shook his head, chuckling faintly. "No, no. I mean the sky."

Ash stared upwards once again. It felt like the stars were staring back at the bottom of his soul. "Yeah," he mumbled. "It is."

"I used to love stargazing," Eiji stated, and Ash turned his eyes toward him. The dark-haired boy didn't seem to notice, however, still hypnotized by the twinkling dance of the stars. "We don't see much here. But back home, when I was younger, my sister and I used to sneak out of the house to watch the stars from our porch. We'd lay down on the cold ground, trying to make constellations from scratch." a heartfelt laugh escaped his lips as he followed. "We used to get so much trouble from our parents back then."

Ash couldn't help but grin. "That looks fun," he noted, and Eiji nodded softly. 

He seemed a bit sad, Ash quickly noticed. Understandable, seeing how much time he'd spent out of his home, far from his family. Of course, Ash couldn't understand how this felt, but he definitely did his best at trying. Eiji was so close to him now; he was usually so easy to read.

He looked at him for too long, however. Oh no, he thought to himself don't ever dare to think about-

The smooth feeling of his skin as he cupped his face between his hands, his almond eyes gleaming faintly under the beaming moonlight, his peachy lips melting slowly against his own...

Fuck.

Ash shook his head briskly as if it'd make the illusion fade away. It felt so weird to him. All his life, every single kiss he'd received had been from whatever old man trying to get in on with him. The harrowing feeling of another tongue inside his mouth, the pain of having to breathe the same sickening air. He hated kisses with a passion. And yet now he was up there, fantasizing about holding Eiji close in his arms, doing the exact same thing he loathed for so long. How was that even real?

Besides, this was far from being a good thing if his ultimate plan was to protect Eiji. Getting closer to him would only end up in a higher risk of him dying, as most of his enemies already knew he was his weakness. He wasn't ready to imagine how much he'd be hunted down if it was the case. He exhaled sharply, frowning as he brushed the thought from his already busy mind.

"Do you like the stars, Ash?" the blonde turned around. Eiji was already looking at him, waiting patiently for his answer.

Biting his upper lip subtly, he forced himself to nod. "I do. There's something so peaceful about them." he took a deep breath, expiring a few seconds later. "I guess they don't expect anything back from me. While the whole world keeps telling me that I'm broken, the stars tell me to shine."

Ash wanted to laugh, he really did. This sounded so ridiculous, coming from his own mouth, he could hardly believe he was the one who said it. But Eiji beat him to it, chuckling loud enough for Ash to feel flustered. "What?" he asked, his voice a lot firmer than he expected it to sound. But Eiji didn't seem bothered.

"Oh nothing." but his very obvious smile said the contrary. "I was just thinking you'd make a wonderful poet."

Ash almost choked on his own saliva. "Wh-what?"

"You're so good with words!" Eiji added, his eyes sparkling as if this was the best idea he's ever had. "I'm sure you'd be great."

The blonde man had to repress a laugh. "If by great you mean god-awful, then sure go ahead."

"Aw, come on..."

Sure, Ash loved writing and definitely had his ways with words, but he was painfully aware that his actions throughout the years were if anything, devoid of poetry. The writing was a thing sure, but putting all of his acute feelings on a piece of paper would probably be either too much to handle or merely impossible.

"Hey, Ash..." Eiji's voice swiftly broke off his train of thought. "What will you do, when this is all over?"

He sighed, unable to prevent the sad smile from forming at the corner of his lips. "I was born in this world Eiji," he admitted. "I don't think there'll ever be a way out for me."

"Don't say that!" Eiji's tone rose in volume.

"Hm?"

"If this goes on, you'll end up killed one day. I don't want that to happen."

Ash's gaze hardened. "It's unavoidable. I don't see my life ending any other way."

He was telling the truth. He had never taken into consideration that there'll ever be another exit for him to take. In truth, since his first day on the street, he knew he was already marching into his own graveyard.

"Please reconsider! There are so many people that care about you." Eiji paused, and in the silence of the night, the only thing they could both hear was his breath, panting softly. "I...I care about you, Ash." he finally mumbled.

"Yeah, I know."

There was a short moment in which it almost seemed as if time itself had stopped. "No." Eiji suddenly whispered. "No, you don't." Ash rose his head in confusion and watched as Eiji gazed back at the sky, although there was nothing left of his mesmerized expression: he gritted his teeth as tears ran down his cheeks. "I don't even know how I feel, really. It's so messed up."

Ash wanted to comfort him. He really did, but he was painfully aware that each of his words was like a dagger to him. He knew how much it hurt; the metaphorical blade grazed him too.

"Look, Eiji..." the young boy turned towards him, and for some reason, his eyes glinted slightly. "I'm really-"

He never finished that sentence: Eiji's lips were already on his. And although Ash was frozen by the shock, he still felt it. The magic, the beauty, the world imploding in a handful of captivating colors and emotions. This was incomparable to anything he'd ever felt. In truth, he'd been kissed many times prior, but this wasn't it. This... it was like the embrace of an angel, the soft caress of the only thing that was good in his despair-ridden world. Even in the obviousness of his lack of experience, Eiji still managed to make him feel more than Ash could ever remember. Even in the middle of the night, everything was so bright.

And as suddenly as it happened, Eiji hurried to break the embrace, taking a few steps back as his whole face appeared tinted in a deep shade of red. "I..." he stuttered, unable to look up from the floor. "Sorry..."

Ash was speechless, seemingly still catching up to what just happened. He lifted a finger to his lips as if trying to prove that it was real. "We can't." he finally whispered, although his gaze was still spacing out in front of him. "I-I can't..."

"I know."

Slowly coming back to reality after what felt like a never-ending eternity, Ash attained what at least seemed like consciousness. He felt it inside his heart. For the first time in an infinity of time, it was warm. Comforting. Soothing even the darkest parts of his soul. How could a kiss do so much?

His eyes fell on Eiji once again, and it was too late. He had already been introduced to the taste of paradise. Resisting temptation was almost futile now.

"Eiji..." Ash whispered, and the boy brought up his head as he wiped the tears and the sadness from his face.

And yet somehow, despite the bloodshot eyes and the watery pearls, he appeared confident. "I've thought it through, you know," he admitted. "And this is what I've decided."

Ash bit his upper lips, and he felt his own nails digging into the palm of his hands. "Eiji, don't make this harder than it already is. Please."

"It doesn't have to be. I'll always be at your side, remember?" his voice cracked down. "This is what I've promised you."

This time around, Ash's grip on his morals was beginning to weaken."If this is what you choose, you may be heading a very dangerous path..."

"I don't care. I've made up my mind."

They both knew it now. There was no turning back, even with their best efforts. Eiji's tenacity was getting through Ash's armour, already weakened by his own overflowing feelings that he could barely control. It was impossible to resist. It was already painful to hold all those repressed emotions at the bottom of your heart, but trying to ignore them as they burst in front of you was unthinkable. Ash knew this. He felt the warmth of tears on his own cheeks. Pain, happiness or frustration, he was unable to tell.

"Fine," Ash muttered, praying in everything he knew that this was the right decision. "But if you die on me, I swear I'm gonna kill you."

After a few seconds of stunned silence, Eiji's facial expression drastically changed. His face was still wet, but he was smiling. He seemed so happy it was almost contagious. Ash couldn't gaze at him further, however, as he felt Eiji's arms embracing him whole, the warmth of his body calming his very soul. He smiled too; he couldn't help himself.

So this is how it was going to be, huh? From now on, it was very likely that none of them were going to be safe. In this merciless war, with adversaries who lack honour, with so many varying factors, there was no prediction of how it was going to end. The outcome could be as beautiful as it could be tragic. In truth, only time would tell.

Ash knew this was a reckless decision. He'd think about it in an hour, in a day, in a week, and would probably regret getting so close. But then, one look in Eiji's eyes was going to change everything. He loved him. He was certain he did. He loved his heartfelt smile, his stupid jokes, his way of always cheering him up despite everything, heck he even loved his awful cooking. All of it, he wanted to embrace it. The worries would never completely fade away, he was aware. But he also perfectly knew that he would kick all of New York's ass before anyone would land a hand on Eiji. Even the world's, if necessary.

"Hey, Eiji..." Ash whispered softly into his ear, "Think you can kiss me again?"

"Huh??" he jerked back immediately, his whole face flushing pink. "But I was so bad, I-"

Ash's chuckle interrupted him. "I don't care."

Up there, up in the fiery sky, the stars watched them from afar. The world wasn't fair; it was not going to be easy. Alas, they had each other to bear through those hardships. Tomorrow would come, the troubles would follow, but for now, only the present existed. In the middle of the night, the moon shone high and the stars gave them their blessing.