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“Hello?” he answered in a low, husky, tired voice.
“Sorry, I woke you up…” he muttered, holding tighter the cup of coffee in his hand.
“Is there something wrong?”
“No, nothing happened…”
Silence. All he could hear were the other boy’s sleepy breathing sounds through the phone.
“It’s 4 in the morning and it’s my only day off. I hope you’re aware that I hate you.”
Sungwoon’s heart twisted upon hearing those words. He knew the other boy was joking, but still, it hurt a hell of a lot and he couldn’t ignore the pain. He felt self-conscious and negative thoughts started mounting one over the other. What if he’d really hated him at some point? He noisily gulped down a big lump that had formed in his throat.
“Don’t you have like a photoshoot in a few hours?” Taehyun asked, trying to sound casual.
“Yeah, but I couldn’t sleep…”
Unconsciously, his lips turned into a pout that Taehyun wouldn’t be able to see.
“So you chose to wake me up instead of Daniel… Hmm, guess I’m honoured but I’m also a very busy person lately, you know.”
Taehyun’s jokes felt like small thorns that were aimed one by one at Sungwoon’s heart. He hadn’t called to joke around.
“How… how have you been?” he asked.
It was quite a simple question, but there were other questions underlying it. What he wanted to know was whether Taehyun had been getting enough sleep, taking care of all his meals, spending time with other people… Or that’s what he told himself. Because, really, what he wanted to know was whether Taehyun still had a hard time falling asleep while thinking of them two, whether he lost his appetite every now and then, whether he sometimes didn’t feel like speaking to anyone…
“Super fine, thanks for asking.”
Sungwoon felt another thorn, bigger this time, piercing right through the middle of his heart. He left the cup of coffee on his night table and placed his hand on his chest, only to make sure he hadn’t been actually hurt and to verify his heart was still beating.
“But honestly life’s not that great. I mean, I’d gotten used to singing more lines without you in the group, but singing a whole song by myself… That’s another kind of pressure. Days before my debut I couldn’t sleep well and I could barely eat. I’m pretty positive I haven’t talked to more people than those in my crew during our practice sessions,” he laughed softly. One way or another, he always found his way around reading his mind without even realising it.
“Is it difficult?”
Sungwoon really wanted to know if it was. Because for him, it was. Because if someone had asked him how he was, he wouldn’t have been able to answer that he was fine. Because for him, his heart was divided into too many parts. Because he had lots of regrets mounting and he had no idea how to fix what he himself had managed to tear apart. Because sometimes it was difficult to even breathe. But he knew that Taehyun wouldn’t look much into his words. Even if he did notice what he meant, he’d ignore it.
“Well, imagine how hard it was for the 6 of us, when you’re by yourself it’s twice, thrice that hard. Is that why you called, ‘cause you’re worried?”
“Yeah…”
Sungwoon wasn’t lying. He was being quite honest, really. He was worried for his solo debut, yes, a hell of a lot, but not for the reasons that were probably crossing Taehyun’s mind. Sungwoon didn't consider himself good but he knew he was at least decent at singing, dancing, and basically anything it took for an idol to be good, plus he also practiced hard every day to get better and he never stopped working hard. But he also knew that, sometimes, hard work is not the key to success and that everything depends a lot on other variables that he couldn’t control. This time, in this case, he was holding on with all his might to the hope that everything would turn out fine. He needed that to keep living. He needed to be successful and then bring all that success with him back to Hotshot—share it with them. He needed to go back home. Hug those five people he considered his family. And it’s not that Wanna One members weren’t also an important, big part of his life, but they were different. Now, what he desperately needed was to feel safe in a place with no expiration date. He needed to wake up saying good morning to Taehyun and go to sleep saying good night to Taehyun. He needed him by his side. He longed for him.
“So after all this time, the first call I get is to ask me for work advice…” Taehyun laughed but it sounded bitter; disappointed. “Well, my advice is: don’t worry.”
Sungwoon let out a small chuckle.
“Wow, I think that’s the best advice I’ve heard.”
“You shouldn’t mock your sunbae’s words,” Taehyun joked. “I’m serious, you have nothing to worry about. You’ll do fine.”
Sungwoon hummed and nodded, even though Taehyun couldn’t see it.
They went silent again. The silence this time lasted longer. Sungwoon fidgeted with his fingers resisting the urge to bite his nails.
“Sungwoon, I’m a bit tir—”
“I miss you.”
They talked at the same time.
“What?”
Sungwoon could imagine him. Taehyun’s mouth was half-open and his eyes were opened big in surprise.
“In our group chat you never pay attention to me and last time we talked you sounded so mad at me I didn’t have the courage to call you again. So I miss you.”
He could hear Taehyun laughing, dumbstruck, rearranging himself on his bed to a more comfortable position.
“Ah… So you didn’t call to hear my expert advice?”
“No…”
“So you called because you wanted to hear my voice,” he teased, raising his tone at the end, trying to make the statement sound as if it were a question although it clearly was only meant to fluster Sungwoon.
And it worked. Sungwoon blushed and furrowed his brows. He felt twice as embarrassed because, actually, he was right, that was another one of the reasons why he’d called.
“I miss you too,” Taehyun said softly. There was nostalgia in his voice.
Sungwoon unconsciously held his breath for a moment. His heart started beating faster.
“I… I can’t stop thinking of all the time we’ve wasted… I couldn’t fall asleep today because of that.”
He also couldn’t fall asleep yesterday. Or the day before. Because of that.
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t know what the company had in m—”
“But I said yes.”
“Yeah, ‘cause you were thinking of what was best. For all of us. I know you. It wasn’t selfish of you, Sungwoon, you took the right decision.”
“You really think so?” Sungwoon looked down and his hand closed into a fist, tight. “I can only think that this means more months I’ll have to fight the fear of having someone come into your life, someone better than me—”
“I listened to your song. It’s good,” Taehyun interrupted in a calm voice that contrasted the panicked tone in Sungwoon’s voice.
“Thank you…” Sungwoon answered, a bit taken aback by the sudden comment.
“Calm down. Seriously, please, I can’t believe you…” Taehyun chuckled. Sungwoon imagined him running a hand through his face. “I couldn’t forget you. Ever. You’re always there, on my mind, I don’t even know how you do it. That’s why I hate you more.”
Sungwoon’s lips curled into a smile as soon as he heard those words. So Taehyun had noticed the most hidden meaning that he’d added into his song. His heart suddenly felt lighter.
“I… I really regret all of it, if I could turn back time…”
“I’m gonna wait for you,” he interrupted again. “It’s not the time to talk about that. We can’t do that over the phone.”
Sungwoon nodded. Taehyun was right.
“There’s gonna be a time for us soon, alright? But right now it’s your moment.”
Sungwoon’s cheeks burnt the instant he heard the word “us”. It felt stupid to get excited over something so trivial, but only by having said that, Taehyun had taken a huge weight off Sungwoon’s heart. He felt close to Taehyun again, even though they were physically far away from each other. That was one of the many things he loved about him; that they could go weeks without saying a word to each other but the moment they talked again, it felt as if no time had gone by. Taehyun was understanding and generous. Sungwoon wasn’t sure he deserved someone like him, but he was sure that, even so, he’d fight to win back his heart and get rid of all past mistakes.
“I saw your music video, by the way,” it was Sungwoon’s turn to say. “I also liked your song quite a lot. It’s a relief our promotions didn’t overlap, would’ve sucked to win over you on music shows,” he teased.
Taehyun snorted. “You wish! Just listen to my whole mini album, you’ll start worrying about your lines when you come back.”
They both laughed and afterwards enjoyed the silence for a few seconds. Both of them imagined the day the six of them would stand on a stage again, side by side. The clock almost struck 5.
“There’s this song…” Taehyun hesitated. “Junhyuk-hyung gave it to me and I wrote the lyrics for it, it’s called ‘Star in the sky’,” he coughed, and Sungwoon could imagine him slightly blushing. “If you have a hard time falling asleep tomorrow again, listen to it instead of waking me up at unholy hours.”
Sungwoon blushed and hummed. “’Kay, I’ll do that.” Ah, seriously, how many times had Taehyun managed to make him flustered in those minutes they’d spent talking? It was unfair. And worrying. Sungwoon would have to be extra careful with his reactions once they went back to being in the public eye as group mates.
“I think it’s time you started getting ready for your photoshoot or whatever…” Taehyun commented, letting out a small yawn.
“Yeah…” Sungwoon stared at the clock wishing he could stop it with his eyes, but it didn’t work.
“Remember that it’ll all be fine. Later!”
“Taehyun,” Sungwoon called before the other boy could hang up on him.
“Hm?”
Sungwoon hesitated for a moment. His lips trembled.
“Could you stop ignoring me in our group chat and tell me your damn Instagram username? Fans are speculating already. You know I don’t know how to use that thing,” he whined.
Taehyun let out a loud laugh.
“I’m gonna think about it. Perhaps I like seeing you suffer,” he teased.
Sungwoon frowned a bit, but then a little smile escaped him.
“Taehyun…” he called again.
“Hm?”
“Thank you.”
Sungwoon could listen to Taehyun’s smile on the phone.
“Have a good day.”
.
As soon as Sungwoon had a little time off, he let himself fall on a chair and closed his eyes for a few minutes, thinking about the conversation he’d had with Taehyun that morning. It’d felt surreal to be able to talk with him like that after everything that had happened, but he assumed Taehyun was keeping his word that he’d be his friend before anything else. It was a relief to know that he could still count on him and that he didn’t really hate him.
Sungwoon was just about to fall asleep when the sound of a notification woke him up. He took his phone and went through some of the notifications that were piled up, when he suddenly came across one that caught his eye:
roh_taehyun started following you
Sungwoon smiled to himself. It was silly, honestly, but it meant something to him.
“Sungwoon, it’s time to resume shooting!”
He clicked on the ‘follow back’ button and placed his phone back on the table when he heard his manager calling for him. Suddenly, he felt more eager to fulfil his schedule for that day and he felt optimistic towards the rest of his day.
.
He had been trying to call Taehyun for several days. During his time off, Taehyun hadn’t picked up, and when he’d returned his calls it was Sungwoon who has busy. A tragicomedy. The real life of idols.
Right at that moment, Sungwoon was in the studio taking a break from recording, so he decided to look up his name on search engines just because—out of boredom and curiosity. But then, he came across a header for an article that had him opening his eyes big and his cheeks burning.
“Hotshot’s Roh Taehyun, ‘Ha Sungwoon is perfect, his solo song is super good’.”
He read the rest of the article and had to rearrange the turtleneck of his sweater because of how hot he was starting to feel. His fingers were shaking a little as he looked for Taehyun’s contact to call him. You better pick up, he repeated in his mind as if it were some sort of mantra. After 6 beeps, he finally heard his voice.
“What’s up—”
“HEY!” Sungwoon shouted. “Why are you saying that kind of things to journalists?! Ah, seriously! It’s so embarrassing!” he whined, reaching his cheek with one of his hands to check on his temperature. He kept burning.
Taehyun laughed hysterically over the phone.
“Ah, I’d love to see your reaction. Bet your ears are burning red and you’re pouting.”
Sungwoon felt utterly attacked. His stomach twisted. Taehyun knew him too well.
“N-no!”
Taehyun laughed again.
“I was just telling the truth. They asked and I was honest.”
“Bullshit, you haven’t even listened to my song yet!”
“Well, that’s sadly true. My good friend Sungwoon hasn’t shown me his song yet and he wakes me up at ridiculous hours just to hear my voice. Quite a selfish bastard, don’t you think? I mean, considering he knows I also like hearing his voice, especially when he’s singing.”
Sungwoon’s heart skipped a beat before it started beating faster.
“By the way, could you give back the leather jacket you stole? That’s my favourite, you know.”
What an expert at changing the subject.
“The audacity, I can’t believe it,” Sungwoon said, to provoke Taehyun. “That jacket’s not even yours, it’s the staff’s.”
“You have a lot more sponsors than I do, I don’t know what you want it for!” he whined childishly.
Sungwoon asked for it so he could wear it and enjoy the smell of Taehyun printed in it. But he’d never admit to it.
“Just thought it’d look better on me than on you.”
“Hey, you piece of—”
Taehyun was interrupted by someone calling for him in the background. Sungwoon laughed.
“Sunbae-nim, you should watch your words over the phone.”
The silence was enough for him to picture Taehyun rolling his eyes.
“I gotta go, it’s my last schedule of today.”
“Taehyun,” Sungwoon called before he could hang up.
“Yeah?”
“What time do you finish? I… I’m gonna be at the studio, I was thinking we could, maybe, you know…”
“Ah, are you inviting me over to finally listen to your song?” he teased. “Forget it. I want it to be a surprise. No spoilers,” he chuckled.
Sungwoon found himself unconsciously pouting.
“It’s just that I wanted to see you…” he mumbled.
Taehyun stayed silent for a few seconds in which Sungwoon could hear someone, probably their manager, telling him to hurry from afar.
“I’m not ready yet. You’ll also have to wait for me.”
Sungwoon, in spite of feeling disappointed, just nodded. It was fair enough. He couldn’t rush things or demand things from Taehyun, no matter how understanding and generous he was.
“I get it, it’s ok…”
“Now I really gotta hang up. Later!”
“Fighting!” Sungwoon managed to say quickly just before the other boy hung up, and he could hear that Taehyun let out a small laugh.
Sungwoon put down his phone and closed his eyes. A smile appeared on his lips. He’d definitely hold on tightly to the hope that everything would turn out fine.