Work Text:
The sound of the calling tone beeping kept Xukun up at night. Call after call, he would be directed back to voicemail, leaving him to succumb into deeper pain. He didn’t understand. Why?
Why did it hurt so bad?
Xukun could only stare at his phone, biting down his lips as he tried to muffle his sobs. Tears trickled down his sunken cheeks, twig-like fingers, gripping onto his device. His hair was a mess. His place was a mess.
His heart was a mess.
The pain had been increasingly unbearable as if a person had kept on pressing on his wounds, spreading salt and slashing open more scars. It was all too much, too great for him to handle.
They said first love is pure. Pure and innocent, pristine white. Like a sheet of paper, first love helps to give it colour. Myriads of colours, teal green, golden yellow, baby blue, but his favourite were vibrant ruby red.
Zhengting’s colour.
Sometimes a little pink-ish, and other times a bit maroon-ish. Xukun loved every shade of Zhengting, from every intense emotion to every action. Everything is Xukun’s favourite.
As if it was in fairy tales, Zhengting made his heart pound the first time he laid his eyes on him. They said it was love at first sight. The way he gracefully moves, Xukun’s eyes were trained on him, and only him. When Zhengting held out his hand to Yixing, he didn’t know why, he felt a twinge in his heart, the urge to take Yixing’s place, imagining on letting the dancer hold his hand, gripping him by the wrist and tugging him close, the scenario that could only happen in his head. The fury in him was ignited as he gripped the seat he was sitting on when Zhengting turned to hug his members, one named Bi Wenjun specifically, longer than the others.
4 months seemed to pass too fast, too fast for Xukun to catch on. Before he knew it, all nine of them stood on stage, together as Nine Percent. He was provided so many chances to get close to Zhengting, from competing for the centre for Ei Ei, to being in the same group for the second challenge, to be able to see his childish and adorable moments, to his quiet and caring occasions. Xukun managed to witness all of it but never had the guts to confront his feelings. His never-ending growth of love towards the elder. His never fading butterflies in his stomach. Oh, how beautiful yet so painful love is.
But Zhengting could only offer him a glance, before he turned his back, skipping and smiling as he links his arm with Wenjun, leaning his body close whilst resting his head onto the taller male’s shoulder. Every laughter he shared was with Wenjun, every tear he shed was wiped by Wenjun, every topic he talked about will always lead back to Wenjun. But Xukun could only grit his teeth, a whirlpool of anger, disappointment, and jealousy; a tornado of emotions that he had never felt before. Xukun couldn’t do anything but plaster a fake smile, trying to not seem hurt at how Zhengting only had Wenjun on his mind.
Xukun thought, that now they are in a group together, he thought and wished that Zhengting would now look at him, only him. The tiny relief he felt when Zhangjing was the ninth member, and not Wenjun. He felt a little happy for Wenjun’s disappointment. But when he turned his back, he saw how tight Zhengting was holding the taller male, how hard he tried not to let his tears fall as Wenjun cried on his shoulder. Xukun felt his chest tightened, regretting the slight happiness he had before, but he instantly brushed it off.
That day, they moved into a dorm together. He thought he finally had the chance to make up for all the missed chances, he was sure that he’ll grab it. But little did he know what the future held out for him. Ever so eagerly he wanted to room with Zhengting. But all his hopes were crushed when the Yuehua line decided that it’s best for them to be together in a room. Xukun could only pretend he was fine with it and ended up rooming with Ziyi instead. Ziyi wasn’t a bad roommate, he just thought that if he was closer to Zhengting, the more chances he’ll get to have a place in the elder’s heart
Xukun gave everything to make Zhengting happy, from the smallest gifts to the biggest of hugs, Xukun thought he had a chance. But instead of being the man of Zhengting’s life, he became Zhengting’s favourite second option.
Xukun didn’t know what went wrong, or what he was lacking. He just couldn’t grasp the idea, the feelings he’s feeling. It was all too much for him, the fact that he was so close, yet so far, Zhengting was so far from his reach. But he went along with it.
“Kunkun~ Help me pick which clothes should I wear, I’m meeting up with Wenjun” Zhengting plastered his infamous toothy smile. To Xukun, it was such a beautiful sight, he was happy to be able to witness it always, even though he was not the reason for his glee. He’s fine to be able to admire it from afar. The painful feeling continued in his chest, thumping at an aching pace. The beauty that was in front of him seemed surreal, too ethereal to be true. But he cherished it, digesting every detail of the elder’s features. Xukun was happy, he really felt the joy of having him near, even though it was only a mere moment.
He hated Wenjun, hated him so much. What did Wenjun have that he didn’t? Is it because Wenjun had known Zhengting longer than he did? Wenjun is younger too, only slightly taller. Was it because of the height? Or was it because Wenjun held him tight in his darkest days? The one that always been there for him when he was down. The one that gave him encouragement and motivation to carry on. The one that called him up at night for no reason. The one that interlaced their fingers together ‘discreetly’ whenever they had the chance to. The one that loved him and took his breath away. Xukun could give all that for him. He knew he could be all that for Zhengting. But Zhengting never gave him a chance. Never was there a moment when Zhengting would look his way if Wenjun was there beside him.
He hated it so much.
But seeing them together, he felt the snap on his heartstrings. The air was squeezed out from his lungs as his pillows wiped away his tears. All he could think of was regret. He regretted not being the first to hold Zhengting’s hand, to pull him into his embrace, to kiss him so passionately until he was left in a daze.
He regretted not telling him that he loves him. He regretted not holding onto him tighter. He regretted thinking that their fight would lead them to this. A petty fight because Xukun was fuelled with jealousy. Jealousy was so apparent that it stirred up the group unconsciously. He was supposed to be the leader, the one who’s able to ease and deal things calmly. But that night, he couldn’t help it. Zhengting was yapping about how Wenjun was there waiting in the crowd as if he never knew that Xukun was the one that patiently waited for him at the side.
And one day, he confessed.
And he knew it was too late to retreat. He knew it was a bad idea. No, it wasn’t supposed to be an idea in the first place.
He saw the change in the elder’s expression. His then smiling face was replaced with confusion. His eyebrows were furrowed, his gaze pierced Xukun’s own as he stopped rummaging through his disorganised closet. Xukun stared at him, trying to stomach the sudden drop in the atmosphere.
The silence was so loud. Xukun’s mind shut down and his demons started to sing into his ears. He stood up, not prepared to hear what the older had to say and grabbed him by the shoulders, pushing him back on the bed before pressing his lips against the elder’s. Zhengting didn’t move. Xukun didn’t move.
Xukun starts to move his lips deepening the kiss more as he tried to pry his tongue in. He suddenly felt a push on his chest, ripping the kiss short. He was pissed. But the anger quickly dissipated when he saw a teary-eyed male underneath him, shaking his head slowly when their eyes met.
“No Xukun” Zhengting choked on his sobs before he turned his head to the side.
“I’m with Wenjun”
Xukun fucked up.
He messed up big time. He knew this was going to destroy them. But his demons won. Not only did he sever his friendship with Zhengting, but he disrupted someone else’s relationship. He kissed someone that wasn’t his. He kissed someone that only saw him as a friend. He kissed Wenjun’s lover.
Xukun smiled at the thought.
It was sickening how he enjoyed the distress in the other’s expression. He hated the dark side of him taking over. He hated that he wanted to continue kissing the other. Xukun wanted more, he wanted to love Zhengting more and more.
Xukun proceeded to hold the older down, gripping on his thin wrists as he pinned it on the sides of his head. Before Xukun started kissing him again, forcing himself to be loved by the other. Zhengting only fought back as he turned his head away, breaking the kiss again.
“Xukun, stop, please”
Zhengting begged; tears began trickling down his cheeks as he tried to break free. Xukun only tightened his grip, eyes darkened. He leaned down to the crook of Zhengting’s neck, parting his lips before digging his teeth against the skin, earning an anguished cry from the latter.
Before Xukun knew it, he was pulled away harshly, a fist struck him square in the face. He growled in pain, his face scrunched as he cradled his jaw with his palm, hissing as he finally realised what he had done. Xukun turned his head to see Yanjun holding Zhengting in his embrace. Zhengting was curled close to him and he was shaking like a leaf. Yanjun had his eyebrows furrowed, lips upturned with a gaze full of anger mixed with disgust. Xukun knew he fucked up. Big time this time.
Yanjun instantly left the room with the elder and Xukun could hear soft mutterings of Zhangjing’s voice in the background, an angry tone emitting from the living room.
Xukun was the biggest idiot here. The fucking idiot that thought that he would get everything he wanted. He felt sick in the stomach, hating himself so much for scaring the elder instead of coaxing him slowly. The fact that he couldn’t handle being rejected, stealing the kiss from the lips of someone who was unwilling.
Ever since that incident, Zhangjing would always be around Zhengting when they had brief meetings together. Zhengting would always avert his gaze away from him and Zhangjing would always try to make them interact the least by cutting into conversations or being the barrier between the two. Xiao Gui also seemed to be aware of the situation and both had been Zhengting’s personal guardian angels. Wenjun hanged out in their dorms more frequently, especially when the Yuehua line stayed over in their dorms. The hatred gaze by the tall man felt like daggers scrapped down his back. Knowing well that he can’t just pretend nothing had ever happened, Xukun disappeared every time Zhengting came back to their dorms. Their ‘friendship’ grew stale. Zhengting would avoid him at all cost and they never interacted like they used to.
He was a known coward, so he ran away.
It was expected that he would have done so, but he didn’t know that the pain would leave him lifeless and numb for days. Xukun crumbled, he felt his world collapse. He knew it was coming, but he didn’t know why he was so hopeful anyways. Xukun had to swallow the bitter reality.
So, he’s here now, laying on his bed as he tries to call Zhengting, knowing well enough that Wenjun had asked him to block him off his contacts. 5 years after their disbandment, he only felt it was necessary for him to finally move on, but the guilt kept eating him alive, and he was too afraid to apologise.
And Xukun starts to cry the nth time, a loud sob erupted from his lips with his phone placed close to his chest. He knew.
He’s still in love.