Work Text:
Chell walked away from the shed. She took the companion cube with her. She walked to New Mexico. She saw a sign saying “Black Mesa Research Facility.”
"Maybe I can get a job there," Chell said and she walked into the building.
Dr. Breen interviewed her. He saw her Aperture Laboratories shirt. He thought “Maybe if I hire her I can find out more about Aperture’s SECRETS!” So he hired her.
Chell went to work. She met a man named Gordon Freeman. He had a beard. “What do you do?” Chell asked.
"I shoot lasers at crystals," Gordon said back to her. "Watch this."
He took a laser out and shot it at a crystal. There were explosions and a headcrab teleported in. It jumped onto Chell’s face. “Oh no,” Gordon said. He took his crowbar out of his pocket and hit the headcrab off of Chell’s face. She was okay after that.
"Will you help me do something?" Chell then asked Gordon.
"Okay."
"My friend accidentally got sent out to space and I need to get him back."
"I don’t think your friend can survive being out in space," Gordon said. Another headcrab teleported in and Gordon hit it with the crowbar. It died.
"He is a robot who tried to kill me," Chell said. "Robots don’t need to breathe in space."
"Okay," Gordon said. "We will send a rocket up. It will knock him out of orbit and he will land somewhere around here instead of on the 80% of the world that is ocean."
"How do you know?" Chell said.
"That’s how it always happens in other stories."
"Oh okay."
So they sent up a rocket into space. Wheatley fell down. He landed on the hydroelectric dam outside and the dam broke and started flooding the canyon. “Damned dam!” Gordon yelled.
Another headcrab teleported in. It jumped on Wheatley’s face and started eating him.
"What is the meaning of this?" Dr. Breen said as he came outside to see the broken dam. "Dammit, who broke the damn dam?"
"Oops," Chell said.
Dr. Breen started to growl. Gordon ran away scared. Suddenly the ground rumbled. Zombie Cave Johnson appeared.
"LEMONS!" he screamed and threw a combustible lemon at Dr. Breen. Dr. Breen caught fire and screamed and then died.
Chell went and kicked the headcrab and picked up Wheatley.
"I’m bloody sorry," he said.
Chell threw him in the water and went and kissed Gordon. Cave Johnson went back into the ground when they started to have sex.
The end.