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Something was off with Jimin, Taehyung could tell.
He could always tell, it was something that came with knowing someone like the back of his hand. He's known Jimin for years, since when they were just two boys dreaming a dream that seemed too big, too far and too much. They used to go to college together, Taehyung always cheerful and friendly, Jimin always shy and quiet. They used to practice together, dancing and singing till their legs hurt and their throats ached, sweating and breathing heavily, never satisfied and always afraid. Will they ever debut? Will they ever be successful?
When the staff asked Taehyung what he thought of Jimin, he answered without hesitation: Jimin was a good person, talented and extremely hard-working, he deserved to be in the team maybe even more than himself. He never regretted those words, not only for a second.
Taehyung knew Jimin like no one else, the older was his best friend, the one person he didn't need to hide anything from. Whenever Taehyung had a problem, Jimin was the simpler answer. The only answer, to be honest.
It's always been easy between them, their first meeting, their first hug, the first time they called each other «my best friend»; the first time Jimin found Taehyung crying in the bathroom, back against the wall and body shaking from sobbing.
(That day Taehyung noticed that whenever Jimin saw him crying he would start sobbing too).
Even their first kiss has been easy, like they've always known it was bound to happen sooner or later. The first time they referred at each other as «my boyfriend», the one time when they told their members they were together, the first time they kissed in the living room, without the need to hide from their friends.
It's always been easy and natural between the two, they used to call each other soulmate, almost as a joke at the beginning, but as time passed by it started to become a thing, their thing.
They were connected in some ways, either they were next to each other or thousands of kilometres away.
So yes, Taehyung knew Jimin like the back of his hand and that's why he knew there was something wrong in the way his shoulders were hunched, his eyes down on the ground and a forced smile stretching his lips.
They had just finished their concert, exhausted and euphoric, adrenalin still running through their blood. He noticed Jimin didn't stop in the room chatting with the others after taking the usual pics to post on twitter, he just said something in a low voice that Taehyung couldn't quite catch and walked through the door, probably heading to the car that was waiting outside the concert venue to bring them back to the hotel.
Taehyung sighed, taking two noodles cups and a bottle of water in case Jimin was hungry and followed him. He waited a few seconds after Jimin got in the car and then he did too, shutting the car door behind him.
Jimin wasn't looking at him, Taehyung was facing his back and all he could see was the reflection of his face through the window of the car.
«hey» he started, voice soft. Jimin made a noise of acknowledgement, shrugging his shoulders a bit.
«hey, Jimin. What's going on?» Taehyung tried again, putting the various packages he was holding aside and turning on his side, watching Jimin carefully, brows slightly furrowed in confusion.
«what you mean? nothing's going on» he mumbled, his voice lower than usual and shoulders suddenly tense.
«c'mon Jimin-ah, tell me what's going on, you know this doesn't work with me»
"this", whatever Jimin was trying to do, never worked between them. They were too close to really believe everything was fine when clearly the other was hiding something. Taehyung snorted, he couldn't believe Jimin really thought he was that naïve.
«Leave me alone, Taehyung. Just.. go.» he said then with gritted teeth, his voice cracking a little at the end. Taehyung shook his head, face twisted in worry now, and reached his boyfriend, grabbing his forearm delicately, more like brushing his skin than anything else.
«Jimin, baby, please just... turn around okay? you don't have to talk, just... let me look at you, I won't ask anything, I promise.»
Taehyung could feel the shiver that shook Jimin's body, his shoulder trembling a little before finally moving slowly, turning his body so he was facing Taehyung completely, head still down and narrowed eyes. Taehyung brought his hand under his chin, gently lifting his head, murmuring a low «oh, baby..» when he saw his glassy eyes and the way he was torturing his lower lip with his teeth.
«Jimin I.. hey, stop doing that» he said softly, moving his hand a little higher and grazing the other boy's lower lip with his thumb, careful not to press against it. «Jimin, what-»
Jimin shook his head vehemently, looking at him almost angrily nd shutting him up. «No. You said no question, Taehyung.» His voice was firm and he had a fiery look in his eyes and Taehyung was taken back a little. «yes.. yes I know what I said but-»
He was interrupted again then, this time not by Jimin but by their members who were getting in the cars, cheerfully chatting and laughing. Taehyung shut his mouth then, noticing the warning look Jimin shot at him, before being pushed away by Jungkook who took his place next to Jimin, totally unconscious of the situation and laughing at Taehyung's empty expression.
«Looks like you've just seen a ghost, hyung» he said then, before putting his air pods on and closing his eyes, not leaving any chance to Taehyung but to sit by the other window, too far from Jimin to even properly look at him.
The moment they arrived at the dorm Jimin got off the car, almost running to the door and leaving everybody else behind him, not even glancing at them. Taehyung murmured something to his friends, telling them not to worry, and followed him as fast as he could, reaching him just a few seconds before shutting the door of the bathroom.
It was just the two of them again, facing each other in front of the mirror.
«Jimin, you gotta tell me what's going on.» Taehyung was the first to talk, knowing fully well that when Jimin is angry there's no way he would give up easily.
«I don't have to tell you anything, actually» he said, lips pressed in a thin line and arms crossed against his chest. Taehyung could almost believe his facade if it wasn't for his lips slightly trembling against each other and his puffy eyes.
«Jimin, c'mon, stop fucking around and just tell me what's going on» he knew he shouldn't be harsh with him, especially not at the time, but he also knew that sometimes being harsh was the only way to have some kind of reaction from Jimin.
and here it was, indeed.
a shrug and then Jimin pushed Taehyung, hands against his chest, angry eyes trying to hide the pain away.
«What do you want me to do, Taehyung? wanna know what's going on? ok then, I'm a fucking loser -no wait shut up let me finish- I'm a singer, right? I'm a performer and I can't even sing an entire song without fuck it up. I'm supposed to do things like singing and dancing like they're nothing and yet I always ruin my songs. my own fucking songs, Taehyung, I'm not able to sing my OWN songs, can you believe it? God.. how useless am I?»
Taehyung gasped at the harsh words, eyes wide open and feeling a little choked up, an unpleasing lump in his throat at the thought that Jimin, his boyfriend, the person he looked up at the most and probably one of the brightest and sweetest persons at the world could think so little of himself. He tried to speak then, taking a step towards the boy. hands reaching to touch his face, his shoulder, his hair, just to prove something, to make sure Jimin knew he was there, skinship always being their favourite thing.
But apparently not this time because the moment his fingers brushed his cheek, Jimin turned around.
«Please don't.»
Taehyung sighed, bringing his hand back at his side, and watching his boyfriend with a stern look. He looked so small. He never looked that small, Jimin was always a ball of sunshine, flashing smiles all around, making sure everyone was happy and comfortable and always taking care of his friends.
This Jimin, though... This Jimin in front of Taehyung, facing the mirror, was nothing but a shadow of the cheerful boy he used to be.
It wasn't okay, Taehyung needed Jimin to know that everything he just said was totally wrong, that he was good and that he didn’t need to go so hard on himself.
«Jimin, what are you even saying? c'mon, you can't be serious, you know you're- fuck, you're amazing, what are you talking about?»
He couldn't be serious. Episodes like this haven't happened in a while, it's been years since the last time Taehyung had to go and find Jimin laying against the cold floor of the practice room, almost passed out from exhaustion, sweat all over his numb body.
(Taehyung has never felt that kind of fear before that moment, knelt on the ground shaking his best friend's shoulders lightly, almost too scared he would break if he touched him a little too much.)
Jimin was fine now. He had to be. He was going to tell him exactly that but Jimin spoke first, watching him for a second with a death stare before turning again.
«you don't understand... when you are on stage, singing Singularity it's... wow, it's amazing, really. The atmosphere, your voice, that thing you do with your hands... it's perfect. your voice is always on point, you never make a mistake, always steady, always amazing... It makes me feel bad, you know? when I listen to your performance from behind, I feel so jealous, so fucking jealous. and then I feel bad for it, too, so it's always like I'm fighting an inner struggle with myself for being this shit of a boyfriend. if it makes any sense at all, I don't even know what I'm saying at this point»
«Jimin, what the hell, you're not-»
«yes I am Taehung, I'm a bad person. it's okay though, I'm trying my best to stop... it's just... every time I sing Serendipity there's something wrong. I always make a mistake, I don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep the high notes, my voice breaks eventually... it's a fucking mess. I also feel like my body doesn't follow my lead, I even ruin the choreo, probably» Jimin stopped then, hiccupping and closing his eyes in an attempt to calm himself.
one, two three, breath.
one, two, three, breath.
«Also, with The Truth Untold... I fuck it up at every single concert and it's a shame because that song is incredible, but I can't give it justice. It's not like... look, I know I'm not that bad but I'm not enough, I could be better. No, scratch that, I should be better, but I just can't, it's something I'm not able to do, I don't know how. And it's killing me, it's fucking eating me alive.» Jimin took a shaky breath then, trying to calm himself and wiping angrily at his eyes, tears already streaming down his cheeks.
«Jimin-ah, this... this is not true, not at all. You are so so good, so fucking talented, your dance skills are outrageous, and your songs are extremely difficult so it's normal if sometimes you just can't reach that perfect high note, you know? nobody expects you to be perfect all the time.»
Jimin shrugged at his words, letting out a laugh with no actual fun at all, face twisted in a bitter expression.
«it's the worst thing to say, Taehyung. it's not normal, I am a singer, for fuck's sake. such things shouldn't happen and why do they happen only to me anyway? Hoseok hyung and Jungkook dance as much as me, if not more, but I've never heard their voices cracking. maybe I should exercise more, try more, but you know what? I already do my best, I don't think I could do more. maybe this is it. maybe this is all I can do. I should just give up for good and stop performing Serendipity at all.»
A pregnant silence followed his words, Jimin too tired and angry to say something else and Taehyung too shocked to actually find a proper answer. But then he found himself growing angrier and angrier, how could Jimin even think about not performing his song? how could he only think about not being enough? He is enough, he is way more than enough, Taehyung would never get tired to say it.
But as soon as he opened his mouth to tell him how good he is, how great of an artist he is, his boyfriend flinched and shoved him away.
«Don’t even start, Taehyung. I know what you’re gonna say, just don’t. I’ve had enough. Leave me alone. I'm serious, leave me the fuck alone.»
Taehyung didn't even have the time to open his mouth to reply that Jimin was gone, disappearing from his sight and not even bothering to close the door.
----
It's been two hours.
Jimin has shut himself in his bedroom, not allowing anybody in.
(just Hoseok cause they're roommates and Taehyung can't help but feel a little hurt watching his friend going into the room just like that when he just spent the last two hours begging Jimin from outside the door to let him in) (it doesn't matter though, he kept staying there, sitting on the floor with his back against the door. he's nothing but stubborn) (and he loves Jimin too much to let go).
The others weren't home. Taehyung didn't know precisely where they went, he just knew they all left, eyes a little sad watching him sitting against the door.
Eventually, he began to whisper something, voice low for fear of startling the other boy, muttering a few words and his boyfriend's name over and over again. he kept leaning against the door, eyes closed until finally Jimin cracked the door open. he let his head out, blank expression, dark eyes focused on the body on the ground.
Taehyung sat up, slowly, «Jimin-ah, hi» waiting for Jimin to open the door just a little more, watching him carefully, eyes full of worry and fondness and tiredness. A flash of something illegible sparkled in Jimin's eyes, lips pressed in a thin line, and Taehyung knew he had won.
Jimin left the door open and took a step back as his boyfriend stepped a little forward, and then the older walked to the bed, laying in it and leaving some space for Taehyung to fit in. Taehyung smiled a little, closing the door behind him and following the guy, climbing in bed and circling Jimin's smaller body with his arms, engulfing the other so they were now face to face, Taehyung's hands on Jimin's back, rubbing soothing circles against his shirt, his cheek squished against Jimin's head.
«Jimin-ah» he said again, softly, moving just a little so he can stare unashamedly into Jimin's eyes «Jimin, Jiminie» he went on, whispering, getting closer to the other, observing his face carefully. Jimin kept his eyes closed, steady breath, biting his own lips to stop them from trembling a little. Taehyung inched a little closer, almost touching Jimin's nose with his, chest against chest, breathing slowly and bringing one hand to his face, his thumb brushing Jimin's lips gently, making his mouth part a little.
«talk to me, Jimin» he whispered again, this time against his lips, feeling his own breath on his thumb still pressed against Jimin's plump lips. the boy finally opened his eyes, shrugging a little, and took a deep breath.
«I'm sorry» he whispered back, tongue picking up to wet his lips. Taehyung moved his hand then, cupping one of his cheeks and slowly caressing his skin.
«you don't have to apologize»
«I know, I just wanna... I was an ass and I made you sit on the floor outside the room» Jimin shook his head a little, eyes on Taehyung's, searching for something
(sadness? hunger? disdain? pity? Taehyung could never.)
«you didn't make me do anything, it was my choice. Yes, maybe it was a little bit... dramatic, but it's okay, don't apologize.» Taehyung smiled and Jimin followed even though it didn't really reach his eyes, but it was something.
«the things you said...» Taehyung started again «they're not true, you know? please don't think such terrible things about you, you are an amazing performer and-»
he abruptly stopped then, Jimin's hand against his mouth, suffocating his words.
«you don't have to say anything, Tae. Please, just because you are... I mean, just ‘cause we are together you don't have to lie. I don't- Please just don't tell me things to make me feel better» there was pain in his voice, Taehyung could feel it even though it was just a whisper. his eyes were closed again and he was moving a little, trying to create some kind of distance between their bodies.
Taehyung couldn't have it.
He tightened his hugs, holding Jimin's against his chest again, bringing his free hand on his chin and making him lift his head.
«open your eyes, look at me now» Jimin did, emotionless dark eyes against him
«I love you so much, Jimin, I really do, but this has nothing to do with your skills. I don't think you are extremely talented and mesmerizing just because I love you. your dance, Jimin... ah, where can I start? you make people feel something when you dance, you put all of yourself in those movements and people can feel that. your passion, your fears, your happiness. your body moves so easily, you're so elegant and beautiful, it's like... well, I don't have anything to compare you to, honestly, sometimes when I watch you dance, I feel like I'm floating. does it even make sense? I don't know but I feel at peace, like when you're in the water and you just stop moving and relax and you let the water do its job. it's alluring watching you dance, Jimin, and don't let me talk about all the hips thrusting and the grinding against the floor and all the other things you do that always make me almost choke on stage.»
Jimin grinned at that, hitting playfully the boy on his chest
«please... »
«Yeah well... not my fault, you know... hormones and stuff»
Jimin laughed then, an honest to god laughter, bringing his hand to cover his mouth «oh god stop you're so lame»,
Taehyung smiled as well, shrugging a little and leaving a small kiss on Jimin's forehead, brushing his hair with his hand.
«I'm not even sorry, you know... but that's not the point. I just wanna let you understand that you are an incredible dancer and if you don't believe ask those thousands of armys who come to watch us perform»
Jimin took a shaky breath, nodding a little, before hiding his face in the crook of Taehyung's neck, tickling his skin.
«what... what about my voice?» his voice comes muffled, insecurity clearly discernible.
«your voice... ah, your voice is probably one of my favourite things about you. it's so sweet, like melted honey. but it's so lively and fresh, like a breeze during a hot summer afternoon, when it's too warm to do anything but lay down and then you feel this soft, gentle breeze coming from the window and suddenly it's not too hot anymore. your voice is so soothing, Jiminie, it makes me feel so safe, like nothing's gonna happen as long as I keep listening to it. it's also so complex, it holds all your emotions inside and it's amazing how you can convey them just by a single word. it's soft and powerful altogether, sometimes it's like a feather caressing your skin, slowly and so, so delicately, sometimes it's harsh and it claws its way in, demanding to be heard and understood. I could honestly speak for another hour about your voice, you know... but even then, it wouldn't be enough. and it would be only my point of view, which is nothing in the grand scheme of things. right? »
Taehyung felt silent then, leaving a couple of light kisses on Jimin cheekbones, humming something under his breath against the rose skin of his cheeks.
«I think your voice is one of my favourite voices. I didn't even know I could have a favourite voice before hearing yours.» he let out a small laugh, moving his lips along his face and leaving another kiss on the tip of his nose «I guess love really makes us a bit fool, uh?» he snorted and pressed one last butterfly kiss on Jimin's lips before pulling away from him to properly look at him.
«hey hey, do you remember that day when we were filming Run BTS? I think it was a couple of months ago, probably more. anyway we were at that bonfire, all the seven of us... it was cold as fuck and you only wore that useless white shirt with my face on it»
Taehyung smiled a little hearing the other boy giggling shyly «it was really cute, Tae, you were all pouty, I kept staring at it and just wanted to cuddle the hell out of you right here and then»
Taehyung shrugged, a fond smile stretching his lips, bringing his hand close to Jimin's face and placing his own fingers against his plump lips, shushing him
«yeah whatever I'm always cute, now shut up, will you? I was actually trying to get to the point, don’t be rude Jimin-ah»
The older boy giggled again and then shook his head a little, pressing his lips together and waiting for the other to keep talking.
«well... they made us write that poem, do you remember? it wasn't anything exceptional, really, but it was true. do you remember your part? I mean, what I wrote for you?»
Jimin kept staring at Taehyung for a moment, eyes cast down, watching his own lap and pretending to think about the things Taehyung said to him, as if he didn't remember every single word, as if he didn't have them engraved in that little corner of his heart which was Taehyung's and Taehyung's only.
but he did, of course he did, so he nodded.
«good. what did I tell you, then?»
Taehyung asked, searching for Jimin's eyes and stroking the back of his hand slowly with the pad of his thumb, trying to reassure the boy next to him.
«you told me that... no matter how much I struggle with the choreo or how much I fuck up the notes, I'm... well... it's embarrassing, don't make me say it»
Taehyung noticed with a frown his red cheeks and brought one of his hands to his face, caressing his flushed skin
«first of all, I didn't exactly use those words, did I? - he sighed then, shaking his head a little and cupping Jimin's face between his hands, admiring the difference between their skin colors, honey against milk - and yes, you need to say it, baby. I want you to say it, c'mon. complete the sentence»
«I'm not at school, Tae, this sounds like one of those stupid exercises they made-»
«Jimin? Focus. c'mon...»
The older sighed again, his cheeks squished cutely between Taehyung's hands, and forced himself to look at him straight in the eyes, searching for something.
(love, fondness, pride, sadness, hunger, patience, tenderness. he found all of them, swimming in his lovely brown eyes.)
«you said that no matter how I fuck up... -jimin c'mon!- in your eyes I'm always the coolest performer you've ever seen.»
Jimin closed his eyes then, breathing slowly and trying to really understand those words, let them sink into his mind and his soul.
«and you are, baby! you truly are the best performer I'll ever see, the best one, the most amazing and breath-taking dancer and the most talented singer and the most beautiful and purest soul I'll ever meet». Taehyung breathed against his lips, resting his forehead against Jimin’s, and waited patiently for him to open his eyes again.
he did, watery eyes, a little bit lost and full of uncertainty, but Taehyung could work with uncertainty. what really mattered was that the dark shadow of self-loathing was finally gone.
«Do you understand, Jimin? you don't have to be perfect all the time, nobody's perfect, as cheesy and corny as it sounds. we all make mistakes, we're only human, what do you expect? Mistakes are what we're made of, after all. but you? you are the closest thing to perfection I know».
Jimin let out a small whimper at that, a tiny wounded sound from the back of his throat, shaking his head firmly, but Taehyung made him stop right away, cradling his face between his hands a little more tightly.
«you are, listen to me. For me, you're perfect. you're everything I've ever wanted, and then some. you are my other half, it's like we're connected, don't you think? Sometimes when I look at you I feel this thing inside me, in my chest, in my mind, and it tells me that maybe something's wrong, or that you need space, or a hug, or a moment alone; there are times when I look at you and it's like I know what's going on in your mind, I can feel your happiness, your hunger, your soreness. Sometimes I don't even have to look at you to know that you're exhausted, or that you want me to cuddle you, or to kiss you or to shut the fuck up. It's like a sixth sense. A Jimin sense. and I know you have it too, I'm sure because you always know what to do around me, I don't need to say a word and you're exactly where I need you. So yeah, that's pretty much why I can't stress enough the fact that no matter how low you think of yourself, you ARE perfect for me. please stop thinking you're worth less than the entire universe. it hurts me too, you know?»
Taehyung had kept caressing his cheeks during all his speech, watching carefully Jimin's face in search of any sign of discomfort or hunger, but all he could see was just his lips slowly stretching into a small, shy smile. and honestly, he couldn't ask for more. «I know, I'm so cheesy and you probably wanna punch me in the face right now, but you need to know these things and I'm always ready to praise the fuck out of you. I love you so, so much, Park Jimin, you have no idea».
At this Jimin let out a beaming smile, bringing his arms around Taehyung's chest and hugging him tightly, hiding his face in the space between his shoulder and his neck, breathing slowly and nuzzling his nose against his skin.
«I just... God, you're such a sap» he giggled lightly, pressing his face deeper against his neck and living a couple of tender kisses there. «I don't even know what to say, Tae... It's-»
Taehyung shushed him then, stroking his hair with one hand and his back with the other «it's okay, you don't have to say anything. I talked enough for both of us, anyway.»
Jimin smiled against Taehyung’s tanned skin, closing his eyes and mentally thanking whoever made the decision to let them meet in this life, and left some other kisses against his neck, moving his lips delicately to his jaw, his cheek, his forehead. He left a kiss right at the tip of his nose, smiling at his boyfriend’s cute reaction, picking up right where he left then and kissing the right side of Taehyung’s face this time, the skin under his eyes, his cheekbone, the mole on his lower lip.
He stared at his boyfriend for a moment then, taking in his soft smile, his glittery eyes, now finally less worried and so, so bright, his cute little nose and his adorable chubby cheeks. He wanted to bite them.
So, he did.
Taehyung let out a screech, clearly caught by surprise and then wrinkled his nose and laughed, bringing his hand on Jimin’s nape just because.
«I love your cheeks, I wanna eat them» Jimin told him, blinding smile and crescent eyes «and I love your nose, wanna eat it too» he left another kiss on his nose then, this time on the mole there «and your lips, they’re very cute. and pink, and soft, 10/10 would spend my entire life kissing them» he winked and proceeded to peck his lips once, twice, three times before pulling away a little, just so he could look at his boyfriend properly. Taehyung stared back at him, a lazy smile stretching his lips.
«hey
Jimin giggled a little before whispering back «hey you»
«how are you feeling?» the younger asked, keeping his voice low.
«better, I’m feeling better»
Taehyung sighed then, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding
«thank you, Tae» his voice was a little rough and he felt like a lump in his throat, but his eyes were fixed on the guy next to him and his gaze was saying everything he couldn’t put in words.
(not that they needed word anyway, they’ve always been more than able to understand each other with just a look, or a touch of their hands.)
So Taehyung looked back at him, losing himself in the thousand feelings Jimin was pouring, surrendering completely to this storm of love, gratitude, weakness, pride, fierceness, sorrow, hope, longing and so many other things that made Jimin, Jimin.
His wonderful, amazing, out-of-this-world Jimin.
They stayed like that for a while, tangled up in each other, limbs against limbs, never enough and yet too much, quietly memorizing for the nth time every single detail of the other’s face, speaking without open their mouths and listening surrounded by silence.
«I love you» eventually Taehyung said, breaking the quietness and slipping under the cover, bringing Jimin with him without letting go of his body for a second.
They rearranged their position, Taehyung’s back pressed against Jimin’s chest, their fingers laced and their hands resting against Taehyung’s tummy.
Jimin buried his face on the crook of his neck, breathing in Taehyung’s scent (home, it smelled like home) and mumbled against his skin
«yeah, love you too»
They were okay.