Work Text:
I've got all my money on you
And though my dollars are few
I feel like a million bucks
-------
“Remember how you used to play with my hair and hum that you feel like a million bucks when we’re together?”
“Yeah”
“I still feel like a million bucks when we’re together. And I think that’s the problem.”
“That’s a problem? That you still feel great when you’re here?”
“Yeah, because I know I shouldn’t.”
“Oh honey we used to do a lot of things you knew you shouldn’t be doing.”
“That’s not what I meant, jackass”
-------
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
“Josie you haven’t paced this much for a while. Would you like to go over some better outlets for your nervous energy?” Emma’s voice was soothing, even, and just enough to break Josie out of her trance-like state. “I know you particularly found our mindfulness exercises helpful, if you’d like to sit we can get started”
“No, no it’s just… I know you told me to write about what I felt after the whole.. Mombie incident. And I have! It’s helped.. Mostly.”
“Yes Josie I’ve read through the journal you kept while in Europe and I have to say, this is a far sight from the 10 year old who cried when she accidentally called me mom once. I’m really proud of your progress”
Collapsing into the chair opposite Emma, Josie barks out a sad laugh “Funny you say that, because I’m about to tell you something that’s really going to disappoint you.”
Emma is up and at her side in an instant “Josie you haven’t started.. Again have you?” Reaching her hand out to lay it on Josie’s forearm she gives it a slight squeeze.
“What? No! Emma no it’s not that! I promise you, I don’t ever want to go back to that place again.”
Emma rises from the ground and sits fully in the chair next to her “Please know Josie as long as you’re happy you can never really disappoint me, or anyone really.”
“See you say that.. But I.. I am happy and I really shouldn’t be.”
“Josie I’m afraid I don’t understand”
“I’ve been able to process most of that… awful night but there’s still one thing I can’t do. I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes I just see her again and I see the dirt being filled in around me and I can’t breathe and I can’t move.”
“Oh Josie-”
“No it’s okay that’s not the main thing, surprisingly enough. The main thing is I found a way to sleep again! I fixed my own problem, which is great right?”
“... I hesitate to say yes because I feel like there’s something else”
“... I might have started sleeping with my ex.”
Emmas eyebrows skyrocket and Josie doesn’t blame her. She waves her hands in front of her desperately.
“No, no not like that! Just like sleep sleeping. Not sex. I mean I won’t lie and say I haven’t thought about it because she’s still annoyingly attractive and her arms still feel so good wrapped around me but I’m not having sex with her again!”
“Well Josie I-”
Josie is back on her feet, pacing back and forth.
“I know it’s unhealthy but I just… when I showed up she didn’t ask any questions, she just stepped back and handed me my favorite hoodie of hers and I just felt… I felt at home and for the first time in a long time actually my mind was just blank. Not like dumbstruck blank but just blissfully quiet.”
“Josie I really think-”
Back and forth.
“I know you’re gonna say something like ‘wow Josie this is exceptionally self destructive behavior and you haven’t exhibited anything like this before’ but that’s my point. It’s not really self destructive if I’m not actively hurting is it? If it helps me sleep better than I have in months and Penelope doesn’t ask questions or say anything other than ‘good morning’ isn’t that good?”
“Josie, when I say-”
Back and forth.
“And god Penelope is so good about this too, it’s so refreshing you know? She just lets me in and lays in bed and reads until she feels me falling asleep and then she turns off the lamp and just holds me. I think that was my favorite thing about her, you know before, the way she just got me. She’s probably better at reading me than anyone else, including Lizzie, but I don’t know if that’s just because she cared more and Lizzie doesn’t. She’s so good at it, she could always tell if I was in the mood to talk or not, just by the way I walked in the door”
“Are you done?”
Josie casts her eyes downward and sits down at last. “I think so yes.”
“Josie remember about 2 months ago? When Penelope handed you a pen and you talked to me for 20 minutes about it?”
“Yes, and you said, and I quote ‘I think you’re still in love with her kiddo’”
“Yeah I think you’re still in love with her kiddo. I don’t think your behavior is particularly self destructive, don’t get me wrong I don’t think it’s the number one best course of action” Emma pauses to take a breath and Josie opens her mouth, so she continues “BUT you have to be careful darling. You had a lot of… to put it simply... big emotions when you were in a relationship with Penelope. You need to be careful that if you feel those same feelings to address them. Talk with Penelope. Talk to your sister. Talk to me. You have a great support system here, you just need to remember to use it.”
“I know I just… have you ever felt something that just feels right even though you know it’s wrong?”
“Honey that’s just part of being human, it’s perfectly normal to have doubts”
“No but that’s it Emma, I don’t doubt this at all. It’s just too good to be true.”
Josie can see a sad smile make its way onto her therapists face
“You’re gonna tell me that I’m just still in love with her aren’t you?”
“Oh yeah you’ve got it bad kiddo”
-------
“Mmph”
Penelope scoffs “You’re gonna have to run that by me again darling” she smiles and shuffles a little bit so Josie’s head, previously buried in her shoulder, is free.
“Why do you let me do this? I just show up around midnight, steal one of your sweatshirts and leave before anyone else wakes up? What do you get out of this”
“Remember how I used to tell you that you made me feel like I had a million bucks?”
Josie doesn’t answer, just nods and snuggles into Penelope’s warm body closer.
“You still make me feel that way” Penelope shrugs halfheartedly “You know me, I just like feeling wanted, even if it’s by someone who hates me”
“I don’t think I hate you”
“I know- wait what?”
“I... kinda talked myself through it today with Emma.”
“I thought the purpose of therapy was that Emma talks you through your problems, not you talking you through your problems.”
“Unconventional as it may have been. She did make me realize something.”
Penelope doesn’t answer, content with running her fingers through Josie’s hair.
“I haven’t said thank you enough.”
“What are you thanking me for? You’re the one stepping up to solve your problem, I’m just here with a bed and a size XXL Museum of Natural History sweatshirt that you like to steal.”
“Thank you for helping me feel like a million bucks.”