Chapter Text
Changbin can remember the day he met Hyunjin with startling detail. He was six years old and it was summer. He and his mother had gone to the park two blocks down across from the corner store and it had started to rain. Changbin had been overjoyed by this fact and wanted to hurry home so he could put on his brand-new frog patterned rain boots (he had recently grown out of his bunny themed ones).
As they grew closer to the house, and had no more streets to cross, his mother had let him run ahead of her and he had sped off as fast as his short legs could carry him. So intent on getting home was he, that he didn't even notice the large moving truck parked down the street, two houses before his destination. His path was blocked by the sudden appearance of a floating dresser and he skidded to a stop just in time. He watched with wide eyes as the floating dresser continued on its path, revealing the two men carrying it as it passed. Changbin really should pay more attention to his surroundings, as he was so focused on watching the levitating furniture that he had failed to notice the other boy who was now standing directly beside him.
"Hello! My name is Hyunjin," Changbin jumped back at the sudden voice and spun to face his assailant. He was met with bright eyes and a wide smile that was missing two teeth. The boy was shorter than Changbin, but his limbs already looked too long for his body.
Now, Changbin had never been the most social kid. Even as a young child he preferred playing with one or two children at school, and his mother whenever possible. Perhaps it was his solitary nature, or perhaps it was how taken back he was by the other kid's over-bright smile, that caused Changbin to become as tongue tied as he had then. As it was, he had barely stuttered out his own name before he heard his mom come up behind him.
"Binnie, you really need to watch where you're going." Mrs. Seo chided as she approached the two children, "Oh, who is your new friend?"
"My name is Hyunjin!" The boy proclaimed. Mrs. Seo returned the boy's smile and crouched down.
"Are you going to be living here Hyunjin?" She asked, and she felt her son press himself into her side.
"Yes!" Hyunjin replied, "We used to live in an a-part-ment but daddy got a new job so we got to move to a bigger house." Hyunjin's ever-present smile grew even wider having finished this sentence. He was quite proud of himself for having properly pronounced such a difficult word.
"Woah! That's amazing Hyunjin. How old are you?"
"I'm five years old! Momma said that means I can start going to school like my cousins."
Changbin had wanted to ask if Hyunjin would be going to his school, but at this moment the younger boys father had come out of the house looking for his son. Changbin stood beside his mother while she introduced herself to the man, watching the stranger with wide eyes. Once, he looked back to Hyunjin to find the other child staring at him. Changbin smiled, a little hesitant but a smile nonetheless, and Hyunjin seemed pleased by it so Changbin counted that as a win.
Before long, the rain picked up and the adults decided it was time to go indoors. Changbin let his mom lead him away by the hand, but looked back when he heard someone call his name.
"Bye bye Binnie-hyung!" Hyunjin waved madly at him, and Changbin couldn't help but send his own wave back. It was the name his mom had called him, but for some reason when this bright boy called him that Changbin felt like giggling.
As it turned out, Hyunjin did go to Changbin's school, though a grade below him, and Changbin found himself with a new friend. It was weird at first, Changbin had never really had a friend he played with every recess, he usually floated from group to group depending on what everyone was doing. But Hyunjin stuck to his side like a burr, either agreeing to play whatever Changbin wanted, or demanding the older bend to his wishes. Changbin was bewildered, he didn't know what to do, but as time went on and months turned into days, he decided he liked the dynamic they had developed. Maybe it was nice to have a best friend.
Changbin can't remember the exact day he fell in love with his best friend, but he can remember the exact moment he realized it. It was December 21st, a Saturday, and Changbin was twelve years old. They had been planning to go sledding, as it was now officially winter holidays and it had snowed the day before. Unfortunately their plans had been sabotaged by Changbin's immune system. Saturday morning had found the boy sniffling in his chair and almost falling asleep in his breakfast. When the doorbell rang out Changbin felt like crying (it's not his fault he's emotional when he's sick). In his daze he had completely forgotten about his plans with Hyunjin, and now he'd have to face disappointing his friend after he had walked all the way here (it was only two houses but again, Changbin was emotional).
As it turned out, he had nothing to worry about. When Hyunjin had learned of his best friends illness he had discarded his crazy carpet on the front step and thrown off his winter coat, tripping over his boots in his haste to get inside. He had pulled Changbin into the living room and sat the boy on the couch, tucking a blanket around him before turning on the TV to some documentary channel he knew Changbin loved. Then, he went to the kitchen and got Changbin a glass of water. Only when he was certain Changbin had everything he needed did he climb onto the couch himself, immediately wrapping himself around his friend's shivering figure.
Now, Hyunjin was a clingy person by nature. So him koala-ing himself on Changbin was nothing new. And maybe it was the slight fever, or the way Changbin's head felt like it had been stuffed with cotton balls, or maybe it was the fact that Hyunjin was running his fingers through Changbin's sweaty bangs but somehow this time felt different. Changbin felt different. But he didn't know why and thinking about it was giving him a headache and he suddenly wanted to cry. So instead he leaned more into Hyunjin's hand and curled himself deeper into his blanket; because that felt nice, and that much Changbin knew for certain.
It wasn't until later that night, after an hour and a half of failed google searches, that Changbin realized what he was feeling. Even then, he wasn't sure. But when he woke up the next morning with a small inked animal running across his wrist, he couldn't really deny it any longer.
His parents had been ecstatic when he showed him, though he refused to tell them what had caused the revelation. There was only one, very small problem. Changbin knew about the animal tattoos. He knew from his parents that the tattoo symbolizes your soulmate, and that when you meet that person your animals will interact with each other. He knows too, that the tattoos appear when you first learn what love is (though that was a vague concept that confused the middle schooler). But the problem was, Changbin had two tattoos, and he knew for a fact that his parents only had one tattoo each. Hyunjin's parents only had one tattoo each, and all his classmates who had their tattoos only had one as well. His parent's had explained to him that this meant he had two soulmates, and although Changbin had been unsure about how that worked, his parents had assured him it was normal and that he wouldn't have to worry about that until he was much older.
Except he did have to worry about it now, because he didn't know which animal was Hyunjin's, and he didn't know if Hyunjin would also have two soulmates or if he would want another soulmate and Hyunjin didn't even have his tattoos yet so what if he didn't love Changbin back and ok, maybe there were two problems.
Hyunjin didn’t love him.
Now, Changbin knew that statement was ridiculous. Hyunjin was his best friend in the whole world and he had the utmost confidence that Hyunjin did, in fact, love him. But he also knew that it wasn't romantic love, and as the days passed Changbin grew to realize with painful certainty that he wanted Hyunjin to look at him the way his mom looked at his dad, the way he looked at Hyunjin.
He had to give himself credit though. For one, he hadn’t immediately blurted out a confession when he told Hyunjin about his tattoos, because he told Hyunjin everything and this was no exception no matter how self-conscious he was about it. He also, in his opinion, kept his feelings quite well hidden. Even as Hyunjin traced the dancing puppy and lynx shapes on his arms and told Changbin that it made sense that he would have two animals, because Changbin was 'just that lovable' (and if he had gone home that night and cried into his pillow, no one had to know).
Hyunjin also liked to guess what Changbin's animal would be, and told Changbin time and time again that he couldn't wait until he met Changbin's soulmates to find out if he was right (his top guess was a bat, because Changbin had recently taken to wearing mostly black clothing and stayed up too late at night listening to music). And Changbin felt his heart clench every time the topic was brought up.
Hyunjin didn’t love him.
Despite Changbin realizing his feelings for Hyunjin, their dynamic didn't really change much. They continued alternating who's houses they did homework at and who's houses they slept over at on weekends. Hyunjin continued clinging to Changbin every chance he got and Changbin continued to half-heartedly shove Hyunjin away only to give in the moment Hyunjin started pouting. Nothing changed.
Except that Changbin had suddenly become aware of every little thing that had to do with Hyunjin. He had always been an attentive friend, but now he noticed everything. He could tell you what shirt Hyunjin had been wearing three days ago, or when he had last changed his toothbrush. So maybe that's why Changbin realized so quickly that something was wrong.
He was in grade 9, Hyunjin in grade 8, and a new topic had begun to come up in lunchroom conversations: dating. And with this newfound outlet of adolescent affection, certain classmates started to garner extra attention. Namely, in this case, Hyunjin had become a frequent object of girl's sideways glances and hushed whispers in the hallways. Hyunjin was handsome, no he was beautiful. Changbin knew this very well, as he himself was guilty of staring a little too long on a regular basis. And at first Hyunjin seemed to like the giggles following him down the hall and the little notes shoved in his locker. It didn't take long for that to change though.
The problems started about halfway through the school year. Hyunjin had grown used to the comments about his face or his height (as he had sprouted a good few inches over the last year and Changbin was still mourning the fact that he was now obviously the shorter of the duo), but he began to realize that the comments were only ever about his looks. He was on the dance team, and got good grades, and did well in art. But no one seemed to notice that.
The end of term showcase was coming up soon and the teacher had given Hyunjin the center position. Hyunjin had been overjoyed. He wanted to run to Changbin's house, as the older didn't have club that day, and tell him the news. He had rushed to the locker rooms after practice ended, grinning to himself as he changed out of his sweaty clothes. He hadn't really been paying attention to the rest of his teammates until he heard a scoff.
"Of course you would get center." A boy sneered, not even bothering to look in Hyunjin's direction. "You only got it because of your face."
Hyunjin felt something drop in his stomach and he felt sick. He's not even sure why that offhand comment affected him so much. He didn't know how to respond. When a few other boys started laughing he threw a clean shirt over his head and ran out. He let himself cry on the walk home, but made sure they were dry before he entered his house. He didn’t feel like celebrating with Changbin anymore.
After that day, Hyunjin felt useless. He felt like he would never be anything more than a well-structured face. He hated it. So he began pushing himself harder, especially in dance. He practiced later and later, even skipping meals to dedicate more time at the studio. He should have known Changbin would notice, he always noticed. But he knew Changbin would tell him that what he was doing wasn't healthy and he knew that he would probably listen to the older and stop his self-deprecating routine. But if he stopped, then he would never improve his dancing and prove that he deserved the center stop and he would never be anything more than his face and that thought terrified Hyunjin. It terrified him more than he had thought it would. So he did the only logical thing he could think of, he started avoiding Changbin.
It was really difficult at first. The two of them did everything together, it's not like he could just cut himself off from the older boy. But he could avoid him for at least the time he was at school, and a good portion of the weekend. They were in different grades, so it wasn't hard to lie and tell Changbin that he had group projects, or extra dance practice, or any other reason why Hyunjin wouldn't be able to hang out that day. And when he absolutely couldn't avoid spending time with Changbin, he found he became too good at redirecting the conversation.
But he also knew he couldn't go on doing what he was. Even he could see how tired he looked lately, though the pale cheeks and dark shadows under his eyes seemed to do nothing to deter his growing fanbase. He had lost weight too, the result of his never-ending practice sessions and skipping meals. He felt sick, but whenever he took his temperature it was normal. But it was only a matter of time before he broke.
That day was apparently a Sunday morning, 10am, two weeks before the year-end showcase. Hyunjin had slept over at Changbin's house the night before, because Changbin had absolutely insisted and Hyunjin couldn't deny Changbin's aegyo. They hadn't set an alarm, as neither of them had anything they needed to do that day, but regardless, Hyunjin found himself wide awake at 9:34am. For Hyunjin, who probably wouldn't wake up naturally before 2pm, that was early. But he had developed the habit of being at the dance studio by 9am, even on weekends, and so even though they had gone to bed close to 3am, he was awake.
He lay on Changbin's bed, they had never really stopped sharing a bed during sleepovers, for a good five minutes agonizing over what to do. Logically, he should either wake Changbin up and demand breakfast, or play on his phone until the older woke up. But something in him was screaming to get up, that he was wasting time by lying here and that he had to go practice. That every second he wasted was more proof that those boys were right. The panic these thoughts brought with them was so strong that he found himself crawling over Changbin's sleeping form and struggling into his jeans in the half-light of the room.
"Hyunjin?"
He cursed under his breath, when had Changbin woken up?
"Hyunjin where are you going?"
He couldn't look his friend in the eye and mumbled something about having to be somewhere. Changbin wasn't convinced.
"You told me last night that you were free today, you double checked your planner. You don't even have homework to do." Hyunjin winced at how sad Changbin sounded.
"I-I have to…" his hands were shaking as he shoved his pajamas into his backpack.
"Have to what Hyunjin?" Changbin's voice sounded so sad. Hyunjin hadn't meant to make him sad, why couldn't he do anything right. Maybe he really was nothing better than a pretty face.
"I have to practice." His breath caught and he swallowed hard, " I have to get better."
He saw Changbin get off the bed and walk towards him and he couldn't make his legs move. In fact, they seemed to want nothing more than for him to sit down right where he was. He didn’t though, he had to go to the dance studio. He had to practice. Changbin bent down and picked up Hyunjin's backpack (when had he dropped it?) and placed it on the desk chair.
"Jinnie, please…" Hyunjin couldn't hear what else Changbin said because it was then that his legs won their battle and he found himself sinking to the floor, burying his face in his hands in an effort to quiet his sobbing. As if somehow that would prevent Changbin from hearing him. He could hear Changbin saying something, and then there was a weight on his shoulders. It was hesitant, almost afraid to touch him, but when he didn't flinch or move away it became more constant.
"Hyunjin, you need to breath." A voice whispered close to his ear. Wasn't he breathing? He could feel his lungs working, but no, he realized he wasn't really getting any oxygen. There was a hand on his back, moving in slow circles, and there was a voice reminding him to breath again. Why was it so hard to breath? He really couldn't do anything right.
"Try to match your breaths with mine ok," the helpful voice told him, and he felt his hand being pried away from his face and placed on something warm and firm. The thing moved up and down, up and down, and Hyunjin realized it was Changbin's chest. Slowly, he was able to get his breathing to slow, trying to keep them in time with Changbin's. Slowly, Hyunjin felt himself calming down, and he realized he was sitting on the floor, Changbin's arms wrapped protectively around him.
When Hyunjin was able to breath on his own and his tears had stopped, Changbin pulled back. Hyunjin whined at the loss of contact, but complied when the older pulled him up and crawled back onto the bed. Hyunjin felt limp and exhausted and let himself be pulled back into Changbin's arms once they were both settled.
"Jinnie," Changbin spoke up after a while, "Jinnie you need to tell me what's going on. I can tell when you're upset but I can't read your mind."
Hyunjin bit his cheek to stop the sob that was building up in his chest. He really didn’t want to start crying again. It seems his efforts were futile though, as he started crying the moment he opened his mouth. He choked out the story through his sobs. What the boys had said in the locker room that day, how he had realized that no one ever seemed to notice when he got the highest mark on the history test, how all anyone ever cared about was his face. And when he was done he buried his face in his friend's shoulder and let himself break down.
Changbin held on to Hyunjin as though the boy would disappear at any moment. He pushed his hand through the younger boy's hair and held him and stayed silent because he had absolutely no idea what to say. He was a fourteen year old boy in love with his best friend and was powerless to protect him.
They spent nearly the whole day in bed, Changbin even brought their food to the room for breakfast and lunch. Hyunjin had gone home before supper and Changbin spent the rest of the day deep in thought. He knew he had to do something, but he got the impression that nothing he said would change the way his friend was thinking.
There was one thing he could think to do though.
It was hard, really hard. Even in high school, Changbin didn't really have many friends aside from Hyunjin. He wasn't very social and he rarely talked to others unless they started the conversation themselves. But he was doing this for Hyunjin. Changbin could force himself out of his comfort zone if it was for him.
The first time Changbin (loudly) proclaimed himself to be the school's true visual Hyunjin looked at him like he was crazy. The second time he just looked confused. It took a surprisingly short amount of time for the rest of the students to catch on as well. By the end of the week it had become a widespread joke that Changbin was the school's 'Bin-sual'. Laughter followed him in the hallway and kids he had never seen before greeted him, always laughing. It hurt to be honest. Changbin didn't have Hyunjin's face, but he did think he was handsome. He wasn't sure anyone else agreed though. But by the end of the week, no one had even mentioned Hyunjin once.
After a week of ‘Binsual’ becoming a school wide phenomena, Hyunjin felt like he could breath. Really breath. For the first time that year, Hyunjin stayed late after dance practice, not because he felt like he’d fail if he didn’t, but because he wanted to. It was 5pm on a Thursday afternoon and Hyunjin could feel the cold of the mirror press against his sweat stained shirt. For once he wasn’t alone; his friend Minho, a dancer from an upper grade, had decided to join him that evening and Hyunjin relished in the company. He heard Minho slump down beside him and a water bottle was waved in front of his face. Hyunjin thanked the elder and took greedy sips, running a hand through damp hair.
“You look lighter.”
Hyunjin looked at Minho in confusion. “What do you mean hyung?”
Minho hummed before replying, looking over Hyunjin from head to toe. “You always looked so tired and heavy. Like the world’s resting on your shoulders or something. You look lighter lately, happier.”
Oh . Hyunjin hadn’t realized how noticeable it had been. He really had felt like he had a huge weight on his shoulders up until this week. Really, the only thing Hyunjin could think of that could have changed things was the stunt Changbin had pulled last week, and he told as much to Minho as well.
Minho watched him with wide eyes as Hyunjin finished his explanation, as though waiting for him to say more. When Hyunjin stayed silent though, Minho spoke up.
“You do realize that he only started calling himself ‘Binsual’ to get everyone’s attention off of you, right?”
Hyunjin’s initial instinct was to protest, but the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Changbin didn’t care about being seen as handsome, Hyunjin knew this. Changbin also hated having too much attention focused on him. He didn’t even like speaking in class! Hyunjin knew this as well. So then why would do something that would have the entire school laughing at him? Really, Minho’s explanation was the only one that made sense.
Hyunjin felt like he wanted to cry. When he had told Changbin about how he hated the attention his looks garnered, he had been expecting Changbin to cuddle his pain away, to maybe make the effort to praise him more often for his dance or grades. He had definitely not been expecting Changbin to go so far in his efforts to make Hyunjin more comfortable and oh no, he really wanted to cry right now.
Hyunjin curled into himself, trying to hide his unshed tears in his arms as he shrunk away from Minho. Minho, for his part, seemed to realize Hyunjin needed the space and quietly returned to his practice.
He was so focused on stopping himself from crying that he nearly missed it. A smudge in the corner of his eyes. Then another. It brought Hyunjin back from his trance-like state and he gasped at what he saw. Two small animals dancing across his skin.
So many emotions erupted in Hyunjin’s heart at that moment. Joy came first, along with the realization of just how much, and how non-platonically, he loved his best friend. Excitement, and the burning desire to run to Changbin right that second. But all of that was quickly replaced by an overwhelming anxiety that what if he and Changbin aren’t soulmates . Because ya, Changbin had been the trigger for his marks to appear, but that didn’t mean that they were destined. And maybe Hyunjin had spent his childhood preaching that he wouldn’t let anyone but his own heart dictate who his soulmate was but he really, really wanted it to be Changbin. And he was very scared that it wouldn’t be. And yet, Hyunjin was 98.7% certain that he knew this lynx tattoo from watching it run across Changbin’s skin all those years.
Hyunjin had hope, but he was also a shy thirteen year old boy, not to mention a hopeless panicked gay. He thought about what he should do all night and finally, at sometime between 3am and his first alarm going off, he found his solution. He would hide his marks from Changbin. And to do this he would avoid the elder at all costs, or at the very least avoid direct contact with him.
To Hyunjin’s credit, he actually did pretty well. Though he supposes he did have a lot of practice at avoiding the boy after the past few months. Still, it was harder this time. Hyunjin found himself hyper-aware of Changbin’s emotions, and it hurt him to see how sad Changbin was whenever Hyunjin blew off their plans or made an excuse as to why he couldn’t come over. It hurt a lot more than it did a month ago and Hyunjin could feel himself weakening and logically he knew he couldn’t avoid Changbin forever.
And that’s how he found himself, three days after his marks appeared, curled up against Changbin on the smaller boys bed. It was Sunday afternoon and Hyunjin was warm and sleepy and Changbin was soft and comfy and Hyunjin was weak, so weak. He fell asleep to the sounds of Changbin laughing at the bad 90’s anime playing on his laptop. The vibrations of Changbin’s cackles only aided in lulling Hyunjin into unconsciousness faster.
Changbin wrapped his arms around Hyunjin’s sleeping figure, squeezing him just a little bit tighter. He had been confused when Hyunjin had started to avoid him again, and more than a little bit hurt. He had thought his ‘Binsual’ trick had solved the whole problem, but Hyunjin seemed to be avoiding him even more than before. Changbin examined the boys face as he slept, watching carefully for any signs of stress or sadness on Hyunjin’s otherwise angelic face. He pulled back slightly when Hyunjin mumbled something in his sleep, the younger boy shifting and reaching one hand up to clutch at Changbin’s shirt. It was almost too endearing and Changbin found himself holding his breath as he took in the sight. God help him with this stupid crush. Hyunjin really wasn’t making it easy for it. Gently, so as not to wake the sleeping boy, Changbin took Hyunjins hand in his own and moved to wrap it around a plush Pokemon toy he had on his bed.
Or he would have, if he hadn’t seen a falcon flying across Hyunjin’s tanned skin. He sat, frozen, as a familiar puppy inched across his own wrist, meeting the bird halfway to dance wildly around its inky body.
And Changbin, promptly, burst into tears.
Changbin is, he hates to admit it, an ugly crier. His sobs are loud and more often than not he ends up hacking after choking on his own spit and his nose runs and his eyes get all red and puffy. It’s not a pretty sight. It’s also not a quiet one either, and Hyunjin, deep sleeper though he is, is woken up almost immediately.
Changbin couldn’t even reply to Hyunjin’s frantic questions as to what was wrong. He couldn’t do much more than bury his head in his arms and curl against Hyunjin’s side. Two years. Two years Changbin has kept his love for his best friend a well guarded secret. Hell, even his sister didn’t know about it, and Changbin told his sister everything. Two years Changbin had kept his thoughts locked away, determined to cherish the friendship he had with Hyunjin for what it was. Two years he had lived convincing himself that Hyunjin would never love him back.
Faintly, he could hear Hyunjin still trying to determine exactly what was wrong with Changbin. Instead of answering, Changbin reached out and took Hyunjin’s hand again. And this time both boys watched with bated breaths as Hyunjin’s puppy wove circles around Changbin’s falcon. When Changbin looked up again, there were tears on Hyunjin’s cheeks and stars in his eyes. They collapsed back onto the bed, wrapping their arms around each other and pulling the other close. Burying themselves into arms, and chests, and hoodies, and hair.
After a few minutes, Changbin pulled his face away from Hyunjin’s chest. Both boys were still sniffling, and Changbin admired how beautiful Hyunjin looked, even with tear stained cheeks. He marvelled in how he could think that without swallowing back his thoughts. Sighing happily, Changbin snuggling a little closer to the taller boy.
“You know, I’ve been in love with you since I was twelve.” Changbin whispered. He felt Hyunjin shift above him and glanced up to meet curious eyes. “Realizing how much I loved you is what made my marks appear.”
Hyunjin smiled. His bright, glowing grin that Changbin loved to much. Full of teeth and and rosy cheeks, and eyes hidden behind thin crescent moons. And Hyunjin giggled, and Changbin revelled in the sound.
“For what it’s worth,” Hyunjin whispered, “I think you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever known.”