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Luke Skywalker was not happy. First of all, he hated going to the doctor. Second, he despised having to sit in a cold exam room wearing nothing but a paper smock—a smock that ended far short of his knees and always managed to creep up to his groin when he sat down on the exam table. Third, he intensely disliked evasive exams, especially ones dealing with very private parts of his anatomy.
To complicate matters, Mara insisted on accompanying him to his checkup. She explained to Luke that she didn’t trust him to go through with the visit. According to his wife of twenty-seven years, Luke would stoop so low as to use a Jedi mind trick to convince the doctor he completed the exam before he even so much as touched the Jedi. Luke insisted that if he would do something an unethical as that, what prevented him from pulling the same trick on her?
Mara had just crossed her arms and gave Luke an incredulous look. "I would like to see you try, Farmboy."
"How do you think I got you to marry me?" he joked back.
But Mara would not budge and Luke found himself sitting in the exam room naked save for a thin paper garment and being chaperoned by the former Emperor’s Hand.
"Mara, will you please leave. This is embarrassing." Luke begged his wife.
Mara raised an eyebrow. "Why is it embarrassing, Luke?" Mara asked. "We have been married for almost three decades. I am familiar with ever part of that wonderful body of yours." She laughed softly, giving her husband an amused look.
"Not this part of my body." Luke mumbled under his breath. "I can’t explain it Mara. I can strip down in front of the doctor with no problem, and I walk around you in the nude without embarrassment, but for some reason sitting naked in front of you and a doctor makes me feel… really awkward." Luke could feel the blood rushing to his face as a fierce blush began to form. "I promise Mara, I will go through with the exam. I know how important it is. I want to get this checked out almost as bad as you do." Luke gave Mara a pleading look.
She sighed deeply. "Alright Farmboy. I will go down to the Cafeteria to grab a bite to eat." She got up and gave Luke a kiss on his cheek. "I will be back in about an hour. I love you."
Luke smiled at the love of his life. "Thanks Mara. I really appreciate it."
A few minutes after Mara’s departure there was a soft rap at the exam door. It opened a crack and a feminine voice was heard. "Are you all ready Master Skywalker?"
"Yes, come in," he replied.
A young female doctor entered the room. She was probably half of Luke’s age, very petite and very attractive. "Are you ready for your Colonoscopy, Sir?" she asked the aging Jedi.
Luke groaned softly. ‘I got a female doctor!’ he lamented silently. ‘How could this possibly get any worse?’
"Master Skywalker, I don’t know if you are aware of the Hospital’s policy when it comes to doctors of the opposite sex doing this type of exam. For liability reasons, we are required to have a chaperone present during all rectal and pelvic exams. So I have to wait for my assistant before we can proceed."
Luke didn’t know what to say. If he backed out of this exam now there would be Hell to pay with Mara. So he simply nodded his consent.
A few moments later another knock came on the door. "Enter," the doctor replied. The door slid open and an equally young and good-looking female nurse entered the room.
Luke closed his eyes and took a deep cleansing breath. ‘It just got worse.’ He thought as he shook his head in disbelief.
"Now if you just lay on your side Master Skywalker we will administer you a mild sedative and a pain killer." Luke complied and flinched slightly when cold hands touched his buttocks. He felt the doctor administer a hypospray and he began to relax-- the sensations below his waist slowly ebbing away.
"Okay Master Jedi, what I am going to do is gently insert a Colonoscope into your rectum and slowly guide it up your colon and intestinal tract to look for polyps."
Luke nodded mutely. He felt some pressure, but no discomfort. He had considered not taking any medication and using the Force to control the pain, but he opted against it-- unsure if he could force himself to concentrate during the exam.
The doctor pushed a button and suddenly there was a 3-dimensional holographic image of Luke’s colon projected in the middle of the room. "Everything looks good so far," the doctor said, "Everything is nice, pink and smooth."
Luke rolled his eyes and prayed that this would be over soon.
The Jedi glanced up at the projection and soon he was transfixed by the image. It looked like he was watching a holovid of somebody exploring a dark cavern. Despite his embarrassment it was somewhat interesting to see what he looked like on the inside.
After a few minutes the doctor began humming. It was a catchy little tune and somewhat familiar. There was a niggling thought in the back of Luke’s brain that he should know this song. Then it came to him. Luke muscles stiffened when he realized where he heard that melody. Years ago he watched an old holovid that depicted of the destruction of the first Death Star. The doctor was humming the music that accompanied Luke’s flight down the trench to reach the exhaust port.
"Relax Master Skywalker," the doctor admonished the Jedi.
"How can I relax when you humming the music of the Death Star trench flight as you guide a camera through my colon!" Luke complained.
"Opps," the doctor said then laughed nervously. "I am sorry Master Skywalker. I didn’t realize I was doing it. I am embarrassed to say it has become a bit of a habit. It is something we do to put patients at ease."
"You hum holovid soundtracks?" Luke asked confused.
The doctor and nurse looked at each other and blushed profusely. "Umm… well, not exactly," the doctor confessed. "I really shouldn’t tell you this, but we often joke that this procedure is like your trench run. In fact I have even named the colonoscope Red Five or Little Luke." The doctor looked deeply embarrassed by her admission, but the chaperone was grinning ear-to-ear and had a hand firmly clamped over her mouth to contain her laughter. The doctor gave her nurse a severe look, and then returned to her work.
"So let me get this straight," Luke began, "you have been performing colonoscopies on people telling them to imagine Luke Skywalker is flying up their colon to look for polyps?"
That was just too much for the chaperone. The nurse doubled over with laughter. She eventually composed herself enough to talk. "I am sorry Master Skywalker. I was just thinking of our constant joke around here…" she turned to the doctor, "you know the joke with the punch line ‘Rectum… it nearly killed him.’"
The doctor was now completely mortified and Luke felt like crawling under a rock.
"I am really sorry to cause you any embarrassment, Master Jedi," the doctor apologized. "We are done here. Everything looks fine. I do want to commend you doing the more thorough conventional exam and not opting for the Virtual Colonoscopy."
"Virtual Colonoscopy? What is that?" Luke asked.
"That is where we use magnetic resonance imaging to produce a three-dimensional image of the colon and intestines. It is a non-evasive procedure, but it is not as reliable as utilizing the colonoscope."
"Why wasn’t I told of this procedure? I definitely would have opted for that," Luke protested.
The doctor looked a bit confused. "I explained all the options available to your wife when she set up your appointment."
"Oh you did, did you?"
"Yes sir, your wife was adamant that you receive the complete and thorough conventional exam. Is there a problem, Master Skywalker?" The doctor asked concerned.
Luke shook his head. "No, no problem."
The doctor looked relieved. They gave the Jedi privacy to dress. Luke wasn’t sure if he should be furious at his wife or amused, but he did know he would get his revenge.
‘Maybe I will give her a trench run tonight that she will never forget,’ Luke thought deviously.