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Hendery didn't know when or how everything started. Precisely he didn't know what was going on with his adolescent life, save for his years of hardcore training to debut as an idol. But he could sense a type of longing from within himself whenever his eyes met with his senior's.
Right now, for example.
"You did great today," Ten approached him and gave a pat at the back, "Just keep your back straight in the middle part."
Hendery simply nodded as he was too busy catching his breath. He tried to calm himself down with drinking a bottle of mineral water. Ten didn't linger too long before going to get the others, giving necessary advices on their choreography. The elder was an expert in dancing and Hendery had never seen someone move as beautiful as him. Ten's dance moves were quick and precise, sharp yet light at the same time. Graceful. Hendery admired him dearly but there were times when he questioned his own feelings towards the latter.
"Close your mouth. You're drooling."
Hendery whipped his head to the side, barely catching Yangyang with his own bare hand before the German boy was running away. He touched his own face.
What drool? I'm clean!
Well maybe not 100% clean because he was sweaty and his t-shirt felt sticky from the non-stop dance practices but oh well. He heard Yangyang and Xiaojun laughing from a distance, probably cracking up jokes that only they understand but he ignored them anyway, sitting down at a corner of the dance studio. Ten didn't stop dancing even though they've practically done for the day. Hendery watched him silently.
"When are you gonna tell him?" Winwin sat down next to him, a towel in one hand as he wiped his own sweat, "You're not gonna just keep quiet about it, right?"
Or maybe he will.
Hendery didn't know, because he wasn't sure of his feelings either. So he shrugged, body and mind tired from the day, "Who knows. Might as well die with it anyway."
"Not even gonna try? I said that to myself too but after a few months, it became overwhelming. So I just confessed to Yuta," Yuta, the only Japanese member in NCT, was also Winwin's boyfriend, "And it was liberating."
Hendery smiled. He's met Yuta a few times and his smile was indeed healing and pretty. He could see why Winwin fell for him. And he was friendly too; very affectionate and kind.
But for Hendery, it's been years. Years and years of practicing as a trainee in the same company as Ten. He still remembered the first time he saw the elder dancing on stage. He wanted to hold him close and lost himself in the enchanting gaze.
"But he's with Johnny hyung," Hendery finally said, referring to Ten. The loud music drowning their conversation but his eyes remained transfixed on Ten's lithe figure, "I can't just snatch him away."
"You're not," Winwin said, "You're telling him for yourself."
Maybe. But that doesn't mean things between him and Ten wouldn't be awkward. Truthfully speaking, nobody even knew about Ten and Johnny's relationship because none of them ever announced it out loud. Sure they're close but were they dating? Hendery was scared to know either of the answers. Maybe that's why he didn't want to confirm his feelings and just bury them deep in his heart.
But it was suffocating.
The song finally ended and Ten finally stopped dancing. Hendery could feel his heart clenched a bit at the triumphant look Ten wore each time he finished a dance. He wanted badly to just yell his feelings out, but there was no way he could do it. That night, Hendery learnt to accept his feelings but still kept them locked in a safe within his heart. He didn't even answer any of Ten's texts about the Chinese words he found because he was trying to supress his own feelings. He fell asleep soon enough.
The next morning was strange to say the least. Hendery woke up in a daze. It was only 6 on a Saturday morning and he felt dizzy so he just laid down. Turning to his side and snuggled further up his mattress, he saw something red peeking in between his white blanket and pillow. He willed his eyes to stay open as curiosity hit him, picking up the red item on his bed sheet.
"Flower petals?" He examined the small piece of perpetrator on his bed. There was a few more and he picked them up. His eyebrows knit in confusion. Who the hell left flower petals on his bed? He was certain they weren't there last night. Quickly he got up and threw them away before climbing back into his bed.
But it didn't stop there. After a few days, Hendery started to notice how his windpipe constrict and red flower petals came out of his mouth. Nobody was present beside him, luckily, as he was sitting alone in the living room of their dorm. He couldn't believe his eyes, running into the bathroom to further inspect his own mouth. There was nothing there. But he could definitely make out the uneasiness in his chest and his windpipe, as if blocking him from breathing. Nothing happened for the next 10 minutes he was in the bathroom. He just stared at his own reflection in the mirror, until a knock on the door knocked him out of his trance.
"Who's in t—"
Hendery opened the door a little too harsh and was met with Kun. The elder frowned when he refused to talk to him, not even bothering to apologize when he accidentally knocked his shoulder as he walked pass him. He went straight to the kitchen for a glass of water. It wasn't refreshing at all and he started coughing again, more flower petals coming out of his mouth.
"What the hell...?"
And Hendery knew he needed help. But he wasn't sure who should he turn to when he wasn't even sure if he believed his own eyes. At first he threw the flower petals away, but after a while he started to keep them in a box. He didn't even bother surfing the internet for the source of his strange coughing fit or which flower did the petals belong. Hendery went through the days without much trouble, and nobody even knew about it.
"Do you know what red carnation means in the flower language?" Ten suddenly asked out of nowhere, in English. Hendery had organized a small Chinese lesson solely for his senior whenever they have time. He liked teaching the elder.
But he shook his head.
Ten stayed silent for a moment as he searched his phone for the correct Chinese word for 'red carnation', shoving it into his face.
"This one."
Hendery chuckled a bit. He knew what a red carnation was. He'd seen them before but he was never interested in the flower language. Perhaps because he liked cactus more than any of the flowers out there. But flower language sounded so much like a Ten thing, so he paid close attention.
"Yes, Qin ge. I know what it is. My sister likes the pink one."
"Oh? Do you know what it means?"
Hendery shook his head again.
"Carnations have a lot of meanings depending on the colors. And the pink one simply means gratitude."
Huh, cute. Hendery decided he liked it.
"What about the red one then?"
"'I love you.'"
Silence hung in the air. Hendery's eyes went wide for a moment before he started laughing.
"That's not funny, Qin ge."
"It is! See?" Ten shoved his phone on his face again, "Well it means deep affection and love, though."
"But you don't love me. You can't just say that."
Hendery swore he could physically feel his heart constrict and his stomach turned. But he held on, finger silently clutching his pen.
"Well I love you as a didi, of course," Ten shrugged, "Johnny gave the flower to me on Valentine's last year. He's so cheesy, don't you think?"
Ah, so it was from Johnny. It made more sense now.
"Do you like it?"
"Hmm?"
"The red carnation."
Ten smiled as he browsed through his phone. Looking at his and Johnny's photos, probably.
"Yeah, it's pretty. But I like roses better. Although it's not too bad because they simply mean the same," His gaze was deep and affectionate, yet he wasn't looking at the younger, "I like it when it's him. I don't care what the flower means."
And Hendery had to excuse himself to the restroom. Locking the door, he started to cough into his hand. The feeling was so intense he was wheezing and his entire body shook. Tears started to strung his eyes as more petals came out of his mouth. He swore he could feel something other than saliva dribbling down his chin, taking his hand off his mouth when he felt something bigger came out of it. His hand was painted in red with blood but he clutched the flower. A red carnation, just like the one Ten had showed him.
"Hendery, wake up. Lucas said you're sick but we have our schedules," Kun said as he entered Hendery and Lucas' room only to see him bundled up in layers and layers of blankets. "What's wrong?"
Hendery just groaned in reply.
Kun approached him, "Hey, we don't have all day. The fans are waiting."
Kun finally moved the blanket away to reveal his face, but Hendery wouldn't even open his eyes due to the blinding lights. His head felt heavy. He hissed when a hand touched his forehead.
"You feel fine."
Of course I am. I just can't breathe.
"Is that..." Kun leaned closer but Hendery was quick to get up, knocking his head in the process. Both men groaned but the younger moved to cover the bloodstain on his pillow.
“I’m awake. I’m awake,” Hendery repeated, a little breathless, “I’ll be down in 5 minutes.”
Kun didn’t bother questioning any further because Hendery was quick to scramble into the bathroom, blaming his own tired eyes for just seeing things. He went downstairs to wait for him with the rest of the members.
“Ew, what the hell? Lucas, don’t show me things like these,” Winwin snickered in disgust, scrunching up his nose.
Hendery barely registered the laugh but he smiled a little, hoping to at least appear presentable. He was seated a little too close to Ten and he smelled so nice Hendery swore he could get drunk on his scent alone. Ten didn’t say anything when he finally leant his head on his shoulder, moving a bit to give him space.
“How is it disgusting? They’re flowers and blood!”
“That’s right. They’re flowers and blood! It’s not the best combination.”
Lucas didn’t say anything afterwards, but Hendery was wide awake. Flowers and blood? His eyebrows furrowed in confusion but eager to know.
“Lucas, what was it that you’re talking about?” He asked.
Lucas’ eyes lit up, “Oh, it’s just a comic I read few days ago. About hanahaki disease.”
He showed him a photo of the comic book cover. An art of a school girl coughing out flowers and blood; are those sunflower petals? The image was haunting but beautiful. Even Ten was drawn into it.
“Looks like something Qin ge would draw,” Xiaojun commented and Ten huffed. He wasn’t wrong, though. Hendery wished to see Ten’s version of it too.
“Yuta talked about it before too,” Winwin said after Lucas retracted his hand, “It’s not my type, though. I prefer slice of life and normal romance.”
“What is it about?” Hendery asked.
“Well, the concept revolves around romance and the disease itself,” Lucas started, “There’s no evidence if the disease exists in real life, but it’s said that when you encounter an unrequited love, you’ll suffer from coughing out flower petals, sometimes the flower itself, before the flower clogs up your windpipe and lungs.”
“And?”
“You die.”
“You can die from it,” Winwin corrected him.
“Did the girl die at the end?” Ten suddenly asked.
“…She did, because the guy she loved didn’t reciprocate her feelings.” Lucas said, voice too flat for Hendery’s liking. He sounded as if he was talking about the weather. Hendery’s heart thumped fast against his ribcage but he refused to believe the story because that was it. A story. There’s no way such things exist in real world.
Or is it?
“Well, it’s just a story,” Kun finally said, cutting the conversation short when they arrived at their destination, “Now, let’s go.”
The first day back in Korea was great. Hendery had never felt so alive since a long while and being surrounded by all the other NCT members made him feel better. It’d been a while since he’d seen them because WayV was busy promoting in China. Everything went well. Taeyong had just finished talking and encouraging him on how to become a better idol. Hendery felt so grateful to have such a kind leader. But he disappeared after a while to talk with Jaehyun, whom Hendery had only met a couple of times.
Hendery wasn’t one to talk much, so he just sat at the dining table with a glass of emptied drink in one hand. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Renjun approaching, taking a seat next to him. The boy gave him a wide smile and Hendery felt at ease again.
“It’s really great to see you again!” Renjun spoke in his mother tongue, excitement laced in his voice, “It was hectic without you around.”
That’s true. Renjun liked quiet and calm atmosphere. Hendery enjoyed the same setting, and books. They loved books. It’s no wonder that they became friends quickly.
“Well, I didn’t leave for long either.”
“It’s fine. Congrats on your official debut!” Renjun exclaimed in excitement. They talked for a while until the people in the dining room started to filter out, leaving only a few members who were still eating the leftovers Kun and Taeyong cooked for all of them.
“So? You haven’t told him yet?”
Hendery groaned. Why do people care so much about his feelings towards Ten? He didn’t recall being so lovesick over the man, let alone announcing it to the world.
“What?” Renjun asked, after receiving no answer, “It’s clearly written on your face, Hendery. You’re whipped.”
“Shut up. I don’t need a person who’s single to tell me about my feelings,” Hendery rolled his eyes.
“Who’s single?”
Renjun had a smug look on his face. Hendery smiled a little and bumped his shoulder.
“With who?”
“You know who,” Renjun dismissed it quickly before veering back to the topic, “So? Have you?”
Hendery shook his head. Nobody ever knew about his disease; or whatever it’s called. He didn’t know if he should let Renjun know.
“He likes Johnny hyung.”
“It’s not a crime to confess your feelings.”
Hendery stayed silent. It certainly wasn’t, but he didn’t like the idea of taking someone significant away from someone else’s life. Maybe he should take the secret right into his grave. He’s dying anyway, if anything Lucas said was true. Funny how nobody seemed to notice it.
Or at least that’s what he thought.
“Hey, I didn’t know you like it too.”
Hendery wasn’t doing anything in particular, just reading the same manga Lucas talked about. He wanted to know about what truly happened so he could understand himself better. Of course, Hendery wasn’t stupid to believe solely on fiction. He’s done some research on his condition but none of the solutions were reliable. Ten had to reciprocate his feelings in order to cure him. Why bother when he could never be cured anyway?
Ten sat down next to him and lied his head on his shoulder. Hendery let him be despite feeling how his windpipe constrict again. He cleared his throat unconsciously, tasting a mixture of metal and flower at the back of his tongue. It’s a taste he’d grown accustomed to over the past few months, and not even water could drown it away.
“Do you think it’s real?” He heard Ten asking, “The disease, I mean.”
Who knows? He’s trying hard to believe it’s not real, though.
“Maybe?” He answered in a shallow voice.
But before he could do anything, Ten pulled him in for a deep kiss. One that knocked his breath out of his lungs and he started coughing out red carnation petals again. He tried to break the kiss but Ten was insistent, he grabbed him by his shirt and tilted his head, slotting their mouths perfectly against one another. And that’s when Hendery tasted it. Something foreign in his mouth. He pushed the elder away from him.
Red? No wait. It’s white, but painted in…blood? Funny how he’s grown so used to the taste of blood and red carnation to the point he could identify how alien another flower would taste like.
“Baby’s breath?”
There’s blood trickling down Ten’s mouth, mixing with tears running down his cheeks. Hendery was speechless when he saw Ten coughed out more of the small flower.
“Why-“
“You feel it too, don’t you?” Ten asked as he wiped the blood away, picking up the red carnation Hendery had coughed out, “I didn’t believe it at first until I heard you coughing the other day. I went into the toilet after you went out and I saw it.”
“You forgot one flower petal.”
No way. This is not real. What does this mean?
A lone tear trickled down Hendery’s left cheek and Ten wiped it away.
“Johnny likes baby’s breath,” Ten said as he closed his eyes, “It means everlasting love in the flower language, Hendery.”
Then why is Ten suffering from the same thing? His feelings were reciprocated, didn’t they?
“I know what you’re thinking,” Ten’s voice was strained, “But he didn’t love me. I confessed to him. Twice. We tried dating for one year but things didn’t work out.”
“Did he know?” About this?
Ten shook his head, “Why would I tell him? He wouldn’t understand.”
That’s right. No one would. Nobody would believe either of them. Hendery cradled Ten’s face in his hands and wiped the blood and tears away. He leant closer. When Ten didn’t make a move to pull away or said anything, he leaned close and pressed his lips against his. His lungs constricted and he coughed in between kisses but he felt fine. He felt alive.
By the time he gasped for air, he was glad that Lucas wasn’t in the room. There were petals of flowers and blood mixed together on his bed, but he could care less. Ten gave him a small smile.
“I can’t reciprocate your feelings,” He said, “But we can die together.”
Hendery was content when he laid together with Ten by his side. His windpipe restricted and he felt like dying, but if Ten was by his side, he knew everything was going to be okay.