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If he was being completely honest, Max hated the idea. He despised it, abhorred it, wanted to rip the guts out of who suggested it. But that person happened to be one of his best friends, so he supposed the gut ripping could wait.
What Nikki proposed to David as just an innocent, harmless April Fool’s prank was actually going to give Max a heart attack. The bastard girl played them both like a fiddle and Peter-Piper walked him straight into his death. He knew she only had the best intentions, but god damn, the only thing keeping him from quitting right this instant was that he bet fifty bucks he could fake-date David until the end of the day.
What made it worse was that he had an enormous crush on the junior.
He didn’t want to give it away; he didn’t want to act so in-love that David figured it out, but he also didn’t want to lose all that money. It had taken him weeks of scrounging to come up with that much; why he had bet it, he didn’t know.
He splashed his face with cold water together himself out of his thoughts. He couldn’t skip school, after all. Even though he desperately wanted to. His phone buzzed, and he checked it.
It was from Nikki: Can’t wait to have those sweet sweet dollas!
Yeah, he definitely couldn’t miss today.
——
As soon as he stepped outside he was greeted by a car he had never seen before. David sat in the driver’s seat, beaming at him. “Good morning, dear! How did you sleep?”
Max decided to do the bare minimum. “Well, thanks.” He got in the car and shut the door.
“I’m glad! Your smile is that much brighter when you’ve had a good night’s rest.”
You know that meme where it says ‘Upgrade’ and then ‘Fuck go back’? Yeah, well it was only the ‘Fuck go back’ that Max was feeling right now. More specifically, ‘Fuck go back to my house and let me die.’
“You know, we don’t have to do… this until we get to school.”
His fake boyfriend nodded. “I know, but it’s fun! Besides, I researched a little bit, and apparently it’s best to get into character before performing.” David turned his smile toward him, and Max had never regretted a bet more. God, this was going to be a long day.
And long day it was, even in the first hour. As soon as they got to school, David insisted on walking Max to his first class, holding his hand the entire way there. As soon as they got to the door, David blew him a kiss and walked off to his class, making Max turn a shade of red no one knew was possible. He could hear Nikki snickering in the back of the class when he opened the door.
He quickly walked over to his unassigned-assigned desk next to her and hissed out the vilest insults he knew, but that only seemed to make her laughter grow. “Why in the ever living fuck would you torture me like this? He picked me up today in his car. In his car!”
“Aww, how romantic!” Nikki said before bursting into a fit of giggles again. “Did he do anything else?”
“You mean besides driving me to school and walking me to class? Yeah. He called me dear.”
Her giggles slowly faded, but a mischievous grin still remained on her face. “You liked that though, didn’t you?”
“When this day is done I’m going to fucking murder you.”
“Let’s see if you survive that long.”
They heard a man clear his throat. “Max, Nikki, do you have something to share with the rest of the class?” Their history teacher, Mr. Campbell, asked. She beamed.
“Actually, yes!! Max has a boyfriend!” Whispers ran through the class.
“I don’t see how that has anything to do with the Vietnam War.”
“Well, it doesn’t, but it’s what we were talking about so—“ Max clamped a hand over her mouth, using his other hand to pull his hoodie over his face as far as he could. Nikki licked his hand, but she had done it so many times before that it didn’t faze him.
“I see. Well, as I was saying…” Mr. Campbell continued with his lecture. Eventually, he took his hand off her mouth and wiped it on his pants.
“And as I was saying,” Nikki said, grinning from ear to ear. “Let’s see if you survive that long.”
——
The day didn’t get better after that. David was outside of Max’s history class when it ended, and walked with him through the hoards of kids to his next class, English, holding his hand on the way there. Every head that turned made him want to be swallowed up by the floor and be spit out on the other side of the world. He did the same thing on the way to Math. By this time, Max had gotten slightly more used to it, just glaring daggers at anyone who gaped at them as opposed to hiding his face.
“Welcome, class!” The energetic teacher said as Max walked in, quickly finding his seat next to Neil. “Today I’m going to be teaching you how to divide by zero!”
Usually, Neil would refute this claim, saying that it was impossible and that infinity was not a number but a concept, but today he was more focused on the slight pink tint on Max’s cheeks.
“Oh god,” he said. “What did Nikki put you up to today?”
Max muttered it.
“What?”
“I said, she bet me fifty bucks that I couldn’t date David for a whole day.”
“David? Like, David David? Like your crush David?”
“Say it for the whole world, why don’t you.”
“Sorry, sorry. But did you accept?” Max sighed.
“Yes, and I’m going to die. He’s walking me to every class, picked me up in his car, and won’t stop holding my hand.” He held his forehead in his hand. “I need a cigarette.”
“I bet.”
“Don’t; that’s what got me into this fucking mess.”
“April Fool’s, class!” the teacher told them. “There is no way to divide be zero. It is undefined, and though some people believe it is infinity, infinity is more of a concept than a number.”
“Oh thank god,” Neil said, sighing in relief. “I thought she was actually going to try to do that.”
“Neil, we’re learning trigonometry. How the hell would that fit into our curriculum?”
“How do stories of her ex-cousin-in-law’s children fit into our curriculum? They don’t, but she tells them anyway.”
“Touche.”
After Math, David was there to take them to their next class: painting. Yes, their next class. He had a class with his fake boyfriend. Heh, if the depression didn’t make him want to kill himself already...
Painting went by relatively quickly. All he had to do was focus on the canvas and paint. A splotch of red here, a dab of green, a curl of yellow. By the time the class was done he had created a plain of red and green, honeycomb laying on the flowers in the field. He glanced at David, with his red hair, green eyes, and a yellow bandana around his neck, and, in making the connection his subconscious already had, decided to burn the canvas as soon as he got home.
David showed him his own painting, beaming. It was of a parchment being written on in ink, curly black words making an unfinished poem. Max didn’t read it. “It’s magnificent… just like you,” he bit out, meaning every word and hating it.
“Not nearly as wonderful as yours,” David gushed.
“I’m not that fond of it.”
“Really? I think it’s beautiful. U-um, if you don’t like it that much, can I have it?”
Deep breaths, deep breaths. He’s putting on an act, this is all an act, and you have to act too. “Of course, Davey.” Oh shit, too far, too far. David blushed slightly as he took the object off the easel.
“Thank you. Oh! Here, it’s only fair.” He was handed the painting David made and took it hesitantly.
“…Thanks.”
“Of course!” There was a bit of silence. “Um, are you ready for lunch?”
“Ah, yeah. Lunch. Do you want me to sit with your friends, or—?”
“No, no. I’ll come and join you! That nice girl– Nikki?– seemed so excited to have me eat with you guys; I couldn’t say no!” Max smiled ruefully. Classic fucking Nikki.
“Okay, cool.” He didn’t even blink as David took his hand this time. “Let’s go.”
——
Lunch was worse than Max thought it would be. With Nikki watching his every move while keeping a conversation about the fake couple going and Neil not helping at all, he had to be extra lovey-dovey. Like, holding hands at the table lovey-dovey. Thank god David was a leftie, or eating the slob his school called food would have been that much worse.
“So, how’s your relationship been so far?”
“Nikki, that’s awfully intrusive—“
“It’s been wonderful!” his fake boyfriend cut in. “Max is such a sweetheart, even if he sometimes doesn’t like to show it.” David gave him a look with so much admiration in it Max found it difficult to breathe. Just an act, just an act. In through the nose, out through the nose too because who the fuck breathes out of their mouth, be calm.
“Really? I never would’ve guessed!”
David nodded. “He’s amazing,” he said, and god if it didn’t sound like he meant it.
“You’re better,” Max choked out with a pained smile. Nikki just grinned innocently at the two of them.
“Aww, you guys are so good together. So…” her grin turned mischievous and Max knew he was fucked. “…How’s it been, you know, inside the bedroom?”
Neil finally decided to cut in. “Nikki, that’s really not appropriate—“
“I swear to god Nicolette I will destroy everything you care about—“
“Good golly, would you look at the time! Lunch only has five minutes left. We should really get going, shouldn’t we, Max?”
He gave yet another pained smile. “I couldn’t agree more.”
“It was nice to meet you both! Thank you for letting me sit with you today.”
David had already picked up both their trays and scurried over to the drop-off before he could hear Nikki’s “My pleasure.” She winked at Max. “Ready to give me fifty dollars?”
He grit his teeth. “Not a chance.” David came back over, grabbed his hand, and they both high-tailed out of there.
“Fucking hell, I am so sorry.”
His fake boyfriend laughed nervously. “Don’t worry about it; I think she was just trying to get us to break character.” David fiddled with his cowlick.
“Considering the only character we had was holding hands, I think we did pretty well.” Max gave him a tired smirk. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to have about four Lucky Strikes in five minutes.”
David tilted his head. “What do you mean?”
“Lucky Strike? It’s a cigarette brand.”
“Oh.” He looked away. “I’d rather if you didn’t, Max.” Max raised an eyebrow.
“You don’t have to worry about me, David. I’m not actually your boyfriend.” But boy he wished he was.
“I know, but smoking isn’t good for you. You’re… a good person, Max; I don’t want to see you hurt.”
“A good person?” Max chuckled darkly. “Despite fake-dating, I don’t feel like we’ve been formally introduced.” He put on a huge smile and stuck out his hand for David to shake, ripping free of his previous grasp. “Hello, my name is Maxen, but people call me Max. I’m a sophomore, a smoker, and probably the shittiest person you will ever have the misfortune of meeting.”
David frowned. For the first time in never, Max actually saw David full-on frown. “That’s not true.” And as much as he wanted to refute David, as much as he wanted to tell him how completely awful and horrendous and disgusting he was, Max stared at the frown and just… couldn’t. He sighed.
“Yeah, thanks, David. I appreciate it.” He gave the junior a tired smile and turned around. “You don’t have to walk me to my next class if you want. I’ll probably be late to it anyway.”
He walked out of the hall and into the bathroom just as the noise of recently fed kids exited the cafeteria. One by one the other classes were let out as well, regurgitating kids left and right. David stayed still.
When Max was done with his(slightly unsatisfying) cigarette, he put it out on the sink and walked out to go to his next class. He felt bad for leaving David there like that; what a shitty thing to do. Then he smiled at himself, a smile with such contempt that cannot be described in words. What was he if not shitty?
“Are you ready, dear?” a voice rang out. He looked to his left and there was David, slightly leaning against the wall, big smile on his face. Max cleared his throat.
“Uh. Yeah.” He took the juniors warm hand and started walking to class, making sure not to look at him the whole way. When they finally reached Chemistry(thanks, universe), cleared his throat again. “Um, thanks. For waiting for me, that is.”
“Not a problem, Max!” He beamed. “Be safe!”
“I’ll try. A lot can go wrong in a whole forty-five minutes.” David gave a short laugh.
“See you in a bit.” He blew the sophomore a kiss and left. After calming his fucking heart down, Max stepped inside.
——
His other classes passed by relatively quickly. From Chemistry was Japanese(no, you’re the weeb, dickhead,) and then Coding. David would take him to each one, would blow him a kiss each time they got to the next, and god damn if his heart wasn’t trying to leap out of his chest. At the end of school, though… that was the worst.
Max was about to finally drop the facade when Nikki reminded him that she had said ‘day’, not ‘school day’. He still had at least half an hour left. Max began to debate whether he should kill her or himself as she skipped away merrily, never quite getting to the end of his decision because—
“Hey Max! Thanks for waiting for me.” David beamed.
“You’re kinda the one driving,” Max reminded him.
He scratched his head sheepishly. “Ah, I guess you’re right.” Max peered behind him.
“Who’s that giving me the stink-eye?”
“Hmm?” David turned around. “Oh, hi, Gwen!” He waved her over enthusiastically.
Gwen was slightly shorter than David, slightly darker than Max, and had a god-awful haircut. She was carrying a sketchbook with her and had a shirt on that said ‘I woke up like this’. With all the wrinkles on her clothes, stray hairs coming out of her ponytail and bags under her eyes, Max didn’t doubt it. “Hey, David.” She turned to the sophomore, stink eye suddenly back in position. “So, I’ve been told you’re ‘dating’ David.”
He shoved his hand in his pocket, the other one reaching subconsciously for David’s hand. “Yeah? What about it?”
“I think it’s a load of horseshit is what about it. David usually tells me everything, and then for some reason I can’t find him anywhere, he’s suddenly late for class(which he never is), and his excuse for not eating lunch at our table was ‘I was eating with my boyfriend.’ This all happened in one day; I smell a rat.”
“Gwen, we are dating!” David insisted.
“You might smell a rat, but I smell jealousy.” Max gave her a smile, trying his hardest to not make it a smirk. “It’s okay; I would be jealous too.” He squeezed David’s hand.
“Maybe so. Or maybe it’s just me worrying about my best friend who’s been awfully off today.” Gwen leered at him. “You’re dating him? Prove it.”
David answered. “Fine,” he told her, before spinning the sophomore so they were facing each other and smashing his lips against Max’s.
He was—
He was what?!
Max pulled away as quickly as he could, his breath quickening, heat rushing to his cheeks and his hand rushing to his mouth.
It was just an act. Just breath, just breath, just
No. Fuck that. Fuck this and the way it makes him feel.
They stood in silence for two breaths before Max chuckled. “I’m sorry, I can’t—“
“Max—“ David began.
“No no, it’s not your fault. It’s not— I’m sorry, it’s just…” The words crawled up and died in his mouth, making a lump in his throat. He turned and walked away as quickly as he could.
David turned to Gwen. “We weren’t dating, it was an April Fool’s joke that one of his friends put us up to, and, if you’ll excuse me, I now have to run after my fake boyfriend to apologize for kissing him without his consent, which, if you can tell, he seemed extremely upset about.” David ran off, shouting Max’s name. But he was nowhere to be found.
Nikki came out of the tree she was hiding in. “Damn. Guess he owes me fifty bucks now.” She smiled at the junior. “Thanks, Gwen!”
Gwen just stared at the girl as she pranced off, whistling the French National Anthem. What the fuck had just happened…?
…
David checked every hallway, but when he couldn’t find Max in any of those, he started checking the bathrooms. He seemed awfully nervous, after all, and didn’t people smoke to help them calm down? He started on the third floor and worked his way down. He ended up being, in fact, in the bathroom closest to the entrance of the school.
“Max?” David didn’t even need to call his name, though; the smoke that filled the room was so thick David had trouble breathing.
“Oh, fuck,” Max muttered to himself before speaking to his still fake boyfriend. “David, I’m sorry, I really am. I just—“
“No, Max, I should be the one apologizing. I forced you to do something you weren’t comfortable with and I deeply regret it.”
“Jeez. No, that wasn’t— well, kind of, but— look, it’s not your fault. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”
“I can’t see how it isn’t my fault. I made you uncomfortable, to the point where the entire bathroom is filled with cigarette smoke.”
Max put his fourth— fifth?— Lucky Strike out on the sink. “Yeah, but you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You’re not making sense.” David furrowed his brow.
Max sighed in frustration. “Look, can we just leave it at ‘you didn’t do anything wrong’ and be done with it?”
“I’d rather not,” David persisted. “It was my mistake, Max. Please let me own up to it.”
“I’m telling you, it’s not your fault.” His voice raised ever so slightly as he glared.
“But it is. I hurt you—“
“You did no such thing—“
“Then why are there five cigarette buts on the sink?”
“Because I smoke when nervous!”
“And you were made nervous because of me!”
“But through no fault of your own—“ David had finally had enough.
“Then whose fucking fault is it?!” He snapped.
“IT’S MINE!” Max hit the plastered bathroom wall. “Because if it wasn’t for my stupid crush then my stupid friend wouldn’t have made this stupid arrangement and you wouldn’t’ve had to kiss me and I wouldn’t have gotten flustered and ran away because I didn’t want you to see that I actually wanted it to be real! That’s why I ran! Not your fault, mine! Are you happy now?!”
David stood in shock as Max panted. What— what had he said about a…?!
“Yeah, you heard me right. I have a stupid-ass crush on you. Sorry.” He pulled the hoodie over his head, shoved his hands in his pockets, and brushed past David without a word.
Thankfully, the junior was able to get his voice back before Max left the bathroom. “Max— Max, wait.”
He stopped.
“What is it?”
David began to fiddle with his hands. Golly, was he really doing this? “Do you know why accepted Nikki’s strange proposal?”
“Because you’re too kind to refuse to do anything, even for a stranger?”
David laughed nervously. “No, not this time. I did this because I wanted to. I’ve wanted to… for a long time.” Max turned around, staring at the back of his crush’s head.
“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” he asked slowly. David nodded. “Then why didn’t whats-her-name know about it?”
He tilted his head. “You mean Gwen? I have told her, and often too. Only when she’s not sober enough to remember, though.”
“…Oh.” Max shifted from foot to foot waiting for David to say something, but when the junior didn’t, he did. “So, does this mean— are we…?”
“Together?” David turned around, finally facing Max but still not looking at him. “I mean, if you want to be.”
“After all this,” Max asked, a lazy smile playing on his lips, “do you really think my answer would be ‘no’?”
“Uhm… no?”
He rolled his eyes, then pressed his lips against David’s. Hard.
And, after he had gotten over the initial shock, the junior was able to return the favor.
——
“I never conceded defeat!” Max shouted at his phone.
“Doesn’t matter! You broke when he kissed you.~”
“But I didn’t say it outright! I could just be very uncomfortable with public displays of affection!”
“Are you?”
“That’s beside the point, Nik!” He heard her huff.
“Fine, but I’m not giving you my fifty bucks. The show was subpar; I’m giving myself a refund.”
“Sure.”
“So, anyway…” He could almost hear her grin through the phone. “What happened after you ran off?”
“Hang on, who told you— you were in the tree, weren’t you?”
“Mmhm! Now spill.”
“Well, let’s just say that it isn't pretend anymore.”
“Wait, actually? What did he say, what did you do?!”
Max laughed. “As much as I’d love to talk with you more, David’s waiting for me. Apparently he had this whole fake movie date set up for us.”
“Oh. My. Flying Spaghetti Monster!!”
“I know, I know.”
“What I don’t know is why you’re still on the phone with me! Go and watch the damn movie with your boyfriend!!”
“Your wish is my command. See you.”
“Smell ya later, punk!” He hung up before Nikki could change her mind and ask any more questions, then turned off his phone so she couldn’t bombard him with texts. Nikki was spontaneous; once you got her going, she didn’t stop.
“Max, are you a fan of mysteries?” a voice called.
“Hell yeah I am!” He(somehow) navigated his way out of the third guest bedroom and into what he assumed was the living room, which seemed to be as big as Max’s whole house.
“Oh, good! I have a few good Agatha Christie movies somewhere…” David started scanning a shelf of old movies. “Oh, there’s one! Have you ever seen ‘And Then There Were None’?”
“Nope.”
“Ok, good! We’ll watch that one, then.” He put the DVD in the player, then sat down on the sofa. Max grabbed the bowl of recently made popcorn and sat down next to him.
As the movie started, David tentatively reached for his hand. And Max certainly didn’t stop him.
fin