Chapter Text
It took Tony a while to figure it out, because on the surface it didn’t really seem to make sense.
See, when Loki switched sides, he still kept himself removed from the team. It wasn’t because people held things against him. Overall, they were a deeply forgiving bunch of people. Most of them had a laundry list of things they weren’t proud of, and Cap was like God. You know, so perfect that he understood and could forgive anything. So while it was a little tense for a while, that quickly faded into the same ‘don’t fuck with one of ours’ mentality that they’d all taken so easily with Bruce.
After all, if Loki wasn’t a bad guy, he was a screwed up sad guy who had spent his life looking for acceptance, and they all understood that.
That he struggled to accept that acceptance wasn’t a surprise to any of them, either. Most of them had lived through that, as well. They really were a band of misfits.
All of that made sense.
The fact that Loki flinched away when Thor tried to slap him on the back didn’t surprise anyone. When it was Captain America trying to pat him on the back, it was a bit more strange. Everyone accepted it, though. So Loki just didn’t like to be touched. Ever.
When he and Loki started having sex, it worried Tony. Well, not worried. Sexual touches didn’t seem to bother Loki, and Tony didn’t like to cuddle like some besotted teenage girl, right? If anything, Tony had always done everything possible to avoid the snuggling after sex.
Even in deep friendships and familial relationships, Tony had never been one for a lot of touching. His mother had tucked him in and kissed his forehead every night when he was a child, but again, that wasn’t something he did. He didn’t have kids, and even if he did, he wasn’t the type to tuck and kiss. He had always figured his wife would do that.
It’s just that sometimes, you know, it’s nice to touch the person you’re sleeping with in a not-necessarily-sexual way. A peck on the lips, an arm around the waist, the whisper of a caress on the cheek. Even after they’d been sleeping together for months, though, Tony tried to avoid all of those things because Loki didn’t like to be touched.
He’d tried, the first few times they slept together, to put an arm around Loki afterward. Each time, it had been shrugged off immediately and Loki had gone to his own room. It’s not like it hurt Tony’s feelings. Loki just didn’t like to be touched. He liked to be fucked into near unconsciousness, and then left the hell alone. Tony got that. He didn’t feel used or anything. Besides, it wouldn’t do to get too comfy. They didn’t want everyone to know they were having sex. There would be repercussions.
The lack of touching began to seem odd when he started staying, though. One night, instead of immediately running off to his bedroom, Loki just sort of… curled up on the very edge of the bed, and stayed. It looked almost like he was expecting to be sent away. It took some real effort for Tony not to curl up behind him and hold him. He looked so alone. But Tony left him there. He liked that Loki had stayed, and if he wanted him to keep staying, he had to play by Loki’s rules.
It wasn’t long after that they realized the rest of the team already knew they were sleeping together. It wasn’t some great surprise revelation, or an awkward ‘so we know you two are fucking’, it was completely ordinary.
Cap knocked on Tony’s door one morning and yelled “If you two don’t want to miss pancakes, you’d better get out here fast!”
Loki was rather a fan of Cap’s pancakes, so he was up, showered, dressed and out the door before Tony could even point out to him that they knew. If they hadn’t all known before, Cap’s display meant that they all knew now. As it turned out, they all knew before.
By the time Tony had dragged himself through the same routine, the only reason there was a plate of pancakes left for him was because Loki had saved them. Clint kept trying to sneak in, but Loki reached out and slapped his hand away every time he got close. Everyone seemed amused. That was the last thing Tony had expected. Where was the drama? The shock and horror?
He’d gotten that from Thor, on his return from Asgard. The thing was, because of Loki’s personal touching taboo, it was hard to tell that there was anything going on at all unless someone said something.
It wasn’t Clint’s fault, really. He’d just assumed that everyone knew, because apparently, all of the Avengers had figured it out pretty early on. They thought it was a good thing. A good thing! Something about Loki and Tony ‘settling’ each other, whatever the hell that meant. It was hard to be pissed about it, since it meant Loki didn’t have to sneak into Tony’s room after everyone went to bed anymore. And it wasn’t Tony’s room, anymore, anyway. It was Loki-and-Tony’s room. Tony didn’t ask why he’d been shunted to second name on his own room’s title. He liked the way Loki-and-Tony’s room sounded.
Anyway, they were sitting around the lunch table a few days after Thor’s return, and Clint had nonchalantly asked, “Hey, you two wanna go on a double with me and Nat tonight? We’re gonna see that new Godzilla movie and then go to the Chinese place.”
Tony was in the habit of not answering for Loki, so he just immediately looked to him for a response. He was always up for anything, Loki knew that.
Loki had paused for a long moment, and the table had gone silent. All of them felt the tension, but none of them quite understood it, until Loki nodded. “Anthony and I would like that, Clint. Thank you.”
Tony was rolling the words over in his mind. Their precision meant something. Every word out of Loki’s mouth always meant something. Why specify Tony? Why the excessive manners?
Thor looked confused, and spent a full minute looking from Tony to Loki, and back again. When he finally said something, his tone had chilled Tony. “Precisely what is going on here?”
Loki had stared at his chips looking tragic, as though answering Clint had taken up all the words he had.
Clint had frowned, and opened his mouth, but Tony cut him off with a motion. “What do you mean, Thor?” It was entirely possible that Tony used his best ‘I plan to pick a fight with you’ tone, because Loki had given him a sidelong look that positively begged for placidity.
“What is a ‘double’, and why would you and my brother be accompanying Natasha and Clint on one?” Thor’s voice was also deceptively calm. Or rather, not deceptively, since calm and quiet couldn’t mean anything good from the otherwise bombastic Asgardian.
It had been quiet, perfect, saintly Cap that had put two and two together, and then figured out how to add negative four to the mix. “You know what, why don’t the four of you go to an early showing, right now? I’m sure they’ll have one.”
Thor’s eyes had narrowed, and he’d gone to stand up.
Cap had gone to his side and put a hand on his shoulder. “Bruce and I have plans for the afternoon, too. I think there are some things the three of us need to talk about, Thor.” Cap had then given him a look that said Bruce was not being included in the conversation either accidentally, or for his scientific skills.
Bruce had casually leaned back in his chair and nodded. “Sounds about right, Steve.” It never failed to amaze Tony how the kind doctor could seem so menacing at times.
Tony had left with the others, mostly hoping that he’d come back to an intact tower. A tiny part of him was hoping for a flattened Thor instead, but he tried to push that down.
Shockingly, not even the furniture had been out of place when the four of them had returned that evening. It looked like a few things might have been moved hastily, and there was a Ming vase conspicuously absent, but if it had spared Loki pain, Tony could easily live with its loss.
They’d had a great afternoon once Loki had calmed enough to be his usual personable self. He was called the trickster for reasons other than his ability to prank, though that was prodigious. He was the life of every party he went to. That sparkling personality was one of the things that had drawn Tony to him. It was one of the reasons that he was such a popular Avenger, despite his beginnings. People who met him wanted to like him. Human people, anyway.
Bruce and Cap had been in the kitchen making ice cream. The second Loki had realized that Thor was gone, the tension went out of him entirely, and he’d been drawn into the adorably old-fashioned process of making ice cream at home. He was so damned cute when he was captivated by such insignificant things.
That night, Tony had tried not to make an issue of it.
Loki saw the questions on his face, though, and sighed with resignation. He sat heavily on the end of the bed. “It’s dishonorable, what we do. At least, it is for me.”
“Not me?” Did the Asgardians give him a free pass because he wasn’t one of them? If they did, was that more or less offensive?
“You… you do not take the role of a woman.” Loki choked it out, after quite a bit of hesitation. A flush was forming on those perfect cheeks. Fuck, were those tears in his eyes?
Tony climbed into his lap, and looked at him hard. “Do you want me to? Would it be better for you?”
Loki couldn’t even find words, apparently. He just shook his head. A tear slipped out and he tried to turn his head so that Tony wouldn’t see. Tony took his face between his hands, and kissed him softly. It wasn’t their usual frenzied kiss, each trying hard to own the other more. It was just… a touch. Completely non sexual.
When Tony leaned in and wrapped his arms around Loki, Loki positively melted into him. Tony was a bit confused, but he sure wasn’t going to stop. He finally admitted to himself after months of denial that he wanted to touch Loki. That it hurt when he thought that Loki didn’t want him to. That he felt things about Loki he didn’t understand, because he was pretty sure he hadn’t felt them before. He and Pepper had been friends before anything else had formed, and their antagonistic friendship had been the center of their relationship. In the end, they’d decided that their friendship was more important to them than sex.
This, though, was different.
Tony was different with Loki. He hadn’t changed for him, but he was different because he was around him. He was willing to do things differently for Loki, break his rules and shake up his whole life, because Loki needed different things than he did. And what Loki needed was important to him.
That was the first night that they slept together. No wild sweaty sex as preface. No quiet moving of each to his own side of the bed. Tony had just urged Loki up to the middle, and they lay there in each other’s arms and fell asleep. He woke with Loki’s head resting on his chest, and it felt… peaceful.
All too soon, Cap was pounding on the door. “Waffles!” Such healthy breakfasts they had at the tower…
During breakfast, Loki reached down and took hold of Tony’s thigh, and just held it. Nothing sexual, nothing secret and mischievous. Just what seemed to be an honest wish to be in physical contact. He kept giving Tony sidelong glances – nervous ones. He seemed to think that Tony was going to react negatively. In answer, Tony seamlessly switched to eating left handed, and lowered his right to Loki’s. He squeezed, and left their hands together as they finished eating.
No one commented on anything related, other than Cap saying that Thor had gone to see Doctor Foster, and that he may be gone a few days. Apparently, she had ‘some Earth concepts to teach him.’
Tony smiled serenely, and kept holding Loki’s hand under the table when it squeezed his leg tight upon hearing Thor mentioned. He wondered if a discussion of Odin would end with a broken femur. It was kind of hard to care, though. It felt a little ridiculous to want it so much, but he wanted Loki to touch him. He wanted Loki to want to touch him.
For three nights in a row, they didn’t have sex. They just snuggled up under the covers and slept wound around each other so tightly that Tony started to forget which limbs were his and which belonged to Loki. Especially after his arm or leg fell asleep.
On the fourth night, Loki apologized.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so… not myself.” Loki looked chagrined, as though he’d done something truly awful. The cuddling?
“It’s okay,” Tony grinned at him, “I like this guy, too.”
Loki gave him the dubious look he reserved for when Tony was being especially obnoxious, and climbed on top of him. He ran trembling hands down Tony’s chest. Tony didn’t like that tremble. When Loki started to dip his hands under Tony’s pajama pants, Tony tensed. He didn’t mean to, it just happened.
It made Loki look like the sun had decided not to come up this morning. His voice had come out tiny, and innocent, and terrified. “No?” His lip actually trembled.
Fix it, Tony’s brain screamed at him. Fix it! You can’t lose him over this! This is all stupid fucking Thor’s fault!
“Is it what you want, Loki?” Tony held his hands tightly, trying to reassure. “Cause you don’t owe me sex.”
Loki looked genuinely confused. “Don’t you want it?”
Laughing, Tony pressed his growing erection up into the man in his lap. “Have I ever not wanted you?” He grasped Loki’s hands as tight as he could, knowing that he couldn’t possibly hurt him. “I only want what you want to give, though. Not what you think you have to give.”
“But…” Loki looked lost. “There’s no reason to keep me, if I can’t…”
Some days, Tony fucking hated Asgard. Knowing that Loki wasn’t going to fight him, he rolled them over until he was lying on top of Loki. Loki made another tentative move toward his pants. Tony grabbed his hands and forced them over his head. Gods, he looked so nervous, so fragile. Immortal, frost giant, sorcerer, god, and general badass, Loki was terrified of a mortal. He was afraid that Tony was done because he hadn’t gotten sex in three whole days, so he was compromising his own mental health to give what he thought Tony wanted.
“I have a reason to keep you.” Tony pushed himself down so that he was face to face with Loki, and rested his forehead gently against his beautiful god’s. “Because I want to.”
Loki frowned, “But if I can’t give you what you want, what you need, then-”
“You’re what I need, Loki.” He kissed Loki on the nose. “If you want to spend the next year doing nothing but cuddling, I’ll live with it. I may spend a lot of quality time in the bathroom with my right hand, but it’s okay.”
Those beautiful green eyes went wide with shock, and a tear slipped through his defenses. “You would…Why?”
Tony sighed. He wasn’t going to get away with going halfway there. Well, if Loki had to risk everything, Tony could do it too. “I love you. I’ll wait as long as you need me to.” Jesus, he couldn’t believe he’d said it. What if Loki laughed at him? Worse, what if Loki felt bad and only stayed because the pathetic mortal needed him?
Loki’s breath caught. “You…”
“Yeah, I love you. Hard to say once, but easier after, huh? I mean, damage done. If you don’t love me, then I’m pretty screwed whether I say it once or a hundred times. I love you, you big beautiful idiot.” Tony lowered his head to Loki’s chest, unable to look him in the eye anymore. God, had he just ruined everything?
“I…” Tony felt Loki swallow hard under his head, and looked up sharply. “I love you.” There was nothing in his eyes but a nervous honesty that Tony felt himself.
They just stared at each other for a long minute, before Loki rolled them back to their original position. That time, his hands were firm and sure when he reached for Tony’s waistband.
A few days later, Cap decided to test Loki’s continuing resolve to avoid group socialization. Loki was always willing to go to fundraising events and parties; places where no one really knew him, and no one knew that his enormous smile was entirely fake. Intimate sociality often bothered Loki, though. It seemed to be on that level with touching. It was something he didn’t understand, and couldn’t put a mask in front of. Again, it was something most of them understood. But they all felt better with an intimate group of friends helping them through, so Cap continued to hope that Loki would, too.
So Cap kept trying.
“Hey, Loki, you want to pick tonight’s movie?” Cap asked casually during dinner.
Clint had his fingers crossed, and seemed to be appealing to a higher power.
Loki looked at them both and frowned. “I don’t really know much about-”
“Yes!” Exclaimed Clint, pumping a fist into the air. “That brings it back to my turn.”
“movies,” Loki continued. “But if you’d like, I would be happy to try, Captain.”
Clint scowled. “But you don’t know anything about movies… Hey,” a sudden grin crossed his face. “Have you ever seen Step Up?”
A collective groan went through the room.
Natasha stood up and grabbed him by the arm. “You are not tainting Loki’s decision with your bizarre teenage-girl taste in movies, Clint.” She dragged him off, telling everyone, “We’ll be back in time for the movie.”
Cap smiled easily, and stood. “I can show you what we have, Loki. It’ll be easier to make a decision that way. And no one but Clint will hold your choice against you, even if it’s bad. I should know, my first pick was terrible.”
And with that, Steve had led Loki downstairs into the designated movie room, so designated because it had a huge television, cushy chairs, a bunch of blankets… oh, and because it was Tony’s tower and he said so. Hah, take that Howard.
When everyone had convened half an hour later, the movie had been chosen. The Disney version of Robin Hood.
Clint groaned. “You picked that for him, Cap!”
“On the contrary, I chose it myself. The Captain seemed concerned about whether I would enjoy it.” Loki was smug. It was so adorable that Tony wanted to kiss him right there in front of everyone.
Probably not something Loki would thank me for, Tony thought sadly to himself, sighing as he settled into a loveseat.
Loki frowned at him, and cocked his head. Then, he proceeded to stun everyone in the room by walking over and draping himself across Tony’s lap. He put his head on Tony’s chest, and angled his long, long legs down the loveseat so that no one else could sit next to them. Then he grabbed a blanket off the top of the loveseat and draped it over both of them and looked at Cap expectantly.
Cap smiled, and put the movie on.
In under half an hour the two of them were sprawled out together, Tony lying behind Loki, both across the loveseat with feet dangling down over the edge.
“I guess this isn’t such a bad movie,” Clint conceded. “Lots of dancing.”
“It’s good,” Natasha agreed.
There were nods all around, and Cap topped it off. “Good call, Loki.”
Loki beamed.
Tony ran a hand down his side, amused at how little it took to make his lover happy. He tried not to dwell on how much disapproval it took to make someone that way.
Unexpectedly, Loki sucked in a breath and leaned in to the hand. It had been decidedly non-sexual, so Tony didn’t think he was looking for something more. He just seemed to want… well, more. Well that was interesting. He ran the hand back up and over Loki’s stomach, petting him in long, soft strokes.
Loki practically curled into him and started purring. Holy hell. This bore further experimentation. He contented himself with just petting for a while. He didn’t want to get too worked up in the middle of the movie, right in front of everyone else. While Loki seemed to just be enjoying the contact, too much more squirming and purring was going to send Tony right to that place. He doubted the others would be amused.
He started playing with Loki’s hair with his left hand. It was something he’d always wanted to do, but had been nervous about, given how Loki didn’t like being touched. The man who was trying to wriggle his way further under Tony’s hand, the man who didn’t like to be touched. Huh.
His hair was just as soft and silken as it looked. Gods, Tony could spend all day doing this. Loki arched his head into Tony’s hand, and he just couldn’t resist bringing the other hand up to join it. He ran them both up Loki’s nape, then along his scalp and up through all that beautiful raven hair. It smelled like Tony’s coconut shampoo, and felt like perfection. Did he have any idea how beautiful he was?
When Tony ran his hands back down Loki’s neck, he let out a little whimper. Tony’s eyes flew to the others. Only Natasha seemed to have noticed, and she looked decidedly amused. Of course, Natasha’s amused look could mean ‘I’m going to kill you in a minute’ as easily as it could mean ‘aren’t you adorable,’ so Tony started to lower his hands.
This, apparently, was the incorrect course of action, as Loki whined louder and pushed his head back into Tony’s hands. Tony couldn’t help a smile, and started running his fingers through Loki’s hair again. He looked up to find that Bruce had joined Natasha’s amused look, though he was still pretending to watch the movie. The scene on screen was hardly intended to amuse, what with someone stealing a kid’s birthday present. Tony was pretty sure Bruce wasn’t into that.
Loki was paying no attention at all to the movie anymore. His every move was designed to get more contact, more of Tony’s hands on him. Tony tried to subtly move his groin away from Loki, since it was responding inappropriately to what was a decidedly innocent situation. Loki was not having it, though, and forced his whole body back against Tony, not seeming to even notice the raging hard on suddenly pressed into his back.
So Tony threw caution to the wind, and just touched. He ran his hands through Loki’s hair, over his scalp, down his neck, his side, his back, his belly… Every part of Loki that was hand-accessible got the treatment. Well, Tony did try to stay away from anything that could be construed as sexual, but really, running your hands all over another person was kind of unavoidably sexual. At least, it was when you already had a sexual relationship with the person in question. Tony had never had the problem with a masseuse.
By the time the movie finished, Tony was massaging Loki’s neck and shoulders, and Loki was leaning into him making little whimpering noises low in his throat.
A pillow bounced off them suddenly, and Loki opened his eyes. Remembering where he was, he flushed. Crap, thought Tony, not gonna be allowed to do this again.
But Clint, the pillow thrower, snarked, “Time to get a room, you two, or next movie night, we’ll put you on separate couches.”
Natasha whacked Clint with a pillow of her own. “Oh please, Clint. We’ve done more inappropriate things in actual public places.” She was Tony’s new hero.
Cap, as always, looked a little lost. Little did Tony know, it wasn’t what he thought. “I don’t see the issue. What’s wrong with a little snuggling?”
“In public?” Clint asked incredulously.
Cap just looked more confused. “We’re not in public. And they weren’t even doing anything R rated.” He’d noticed? Holy fuck. Wait. It was okay?
Loki sat up, still blushing. Tony was unbelievably relieved to see that he wasn’t suffering the same… problem that Tony was still hiding under the blanket. On the other hand… Tony had been feeling him up for like half an hour, and it hadn’t done anything for him? It was a little hard not to pout at that.
Clint, however, was visibly shocked.
Natasha laughed at him. “I think you should explain to Loki’s boyfriend why you just checked out his equipment.”
“I did not!” Clint insisted.
Tony made a point of sitting up (blanket still pooled around his midsection, thank you very much.) and looking pointedly at Clint. “Back off Birdie. He’s mine, and you can’t have him.” He put a possessive arm around Loki’s chest and pulled him back.
When no one made disgusted noises or commented other than Clint throwing up his hands in supplication and Natasha laughing again, Loki melted into him with a smile. It was a pleasantly surprised smile.
“Well then,” Cap announced, standing. “I think I’m headed for the gym and then bed. Great night guys, good movie pick, Loki. See you all in the morning.”
Bruce nodded solemnly, standing as well. “I vote Loki should make all of Clint’s movie picks from now on.”
“Hey!” Clint looked personally wounded. Tony wondered if Natasha had laughed this much in years. Her whole life, maybe. She grabbed him by the arm and dragged him off, while he protested the insult to his immense movie-selection prowess.
A moment later, Tony and Loki were alone in the movie room.
Loki looked at him, still surprised. “They know. They all know everything, and they knew, and…”
“You think they didn’t know when they realized we were sleeping in the same room? Or when Cap read Thor the riot act?” Tony pulled him in close. “They’ve known for a while, Babe, and they’re happy for us.”
Loki sat back and looked at him like a little lost kitten. “They… they don’t think I’ll hurt you? Or that one of us is…”
“You’re one of the team now, they trust you as much as… more than they trust me. And they know that what we do in our bedroom is none of their damned business.” Tony went back to petting him.
Loki stilled for a moment. “Our bedroom?” Apparently he’d missed all the references to Loki-and-Tony’s room. It was amazing what a person could overlook in happiness and compliments, when all they had ever received had been condescension and insults.
Tony wasn’t even going to give Asgard the power of mentioning their existence. He grinned. “Our bedroom. Speaking of our bedroom, what say we find our way there and I can touch even more of you? If you want, that is.”
Before he’d even finished the first sentence, Loki had swept him up and started carrying him toward the stairs.
Tony had finally figured it out, though. All those months, everyone thinking that Loki didn’t like to be touched.
It wasn’t that Loki didn’t like to be touched. He just hadn’t known how.