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To tell you the truth, I prefer the worst of you.
Too bad you had to have a better half.
- Ani DiFranco
Tessa Blackmoor wakes up slowly the best way she knows how, stroking Ai’s hair as she dozes, cradling Ai’s head on her chest. It’s time to get up, but no rush to be anywhere. There’s a little more time to enjoy this.
Ai blinks and looks up at Tessa.
“Good mornin’, sweetheart,” drawls the halfling. “Time to rise and shine?”
“I’ll rise, but shining isn’t my thing,” replies Tessa, grinning down at her lover.
Ai pushes up onto her elbows, leans down and kisses Tessa slowly, then grins and jumps off the bed. Tessa grins back and makes a grab for Ai, wanting to pull her back down for another cuddle. Ai nimbly dodges out of her way, smiling from ear to ear. It’s a game they play a lot, and Tessa almost always loses … unless Ai wants her to win.
Then, from the dark …
THUMP
“Gahdammit!” yells Ai, holding her stubbed toe. “Look, hun. How long until we can get your bird friend’s stuff out of here? Cain’t that rich-ass boyfriend a his send somebody to get it?”
In the dim bedroom, Tessa flinches, hoping Ai won’t see.
“I don’t know,” she mumbles. “Maybe he needs to come get it himself.”
“Well, sooner’s better’n later,” says Ai, pulling on a shirt. “I’m gonna make some coffee.”
When she’s gone, Tessa whispers the spell for light, summoning a small spot of brightness on one wall of their curtain-enclosed bedroom in the warehouse office. She quietly slides off the edge of the bed and kneels beside a footlocker set beside Tseer’s now-vacant perch.
Tessa’s hand hovers over the latch for a second before she opens it. She knows she shouldn’t, and she’s been resisting for weeks, but she misses him. She lifts the lid and inhales his scent for a second, touches the ragged gis folded there, the feathers Tseer had stashed away in case he broke one, and a fading photo of the aarakokra monk with his farmer parents. She sees an edge of paper sticking out from under the clothes, and feeling so guilty, she slowly pulls it free.
It’s a snapshot, made with a cheap Glittering Oath instant camera, from just a few years ago, but it feels like forever. Tessa has a black eye. Corra’s jacket sleeve is torn. Tseer is actually flexing at the camera. And they’re all smiling, all happy.
But Tessa isn’t smiling at the camera. She’s smiling at Tseer.
****
It was hot in the city that summer, but Tessa wore her platemail anyway. Under the cloak with the hood pulled forward she was sweltering and more conspicuous on the street corner than if she had just been there as herself, Tessa Blackmoor, Keeper poster child. But she called on her years of training and ignored the heat, excited by the message that her school friend Corra had slid under her barracks door.
Want to really help the people in our city? Meet me at the corner of Grand Avenue and Main tonight at 11:15. I’m bringing a friend.
People passing on the street gave her a wide berth, but no one stopped or commented. Despite the names, Grand and Main were not in the best neighborhood. They were run down, not too far from the tenement where Tessa had lived with her family.
She shivered and pushed the memory away.
“Psst. Psst. Tessa. In here!”
Tessa whirled and saw Corra waving at her from an alleyway. Tessa strode in that direction, the crowd parting before her, everyone carefully minding their own business.
In the alley, Tessa finally pulled the hood back. There stood Corra, the normally reserved cleric practically bouncing on her hooves in excitement.
“This had better be good, Corra,” said Tessa, trying to loom. “I’m missing evening prayers for this.”
“Oh, it’s good alright,” replied Corra. “Look, you know how you were saying you’re bored? Like, I know it’s not undead or necromancers, but there’s this gang. They’re making people pay them protection money. People here can’t afford to pay it. We don’t need to kill anyone, just maybe scare them real bad so they’ll stop?”
“Can we get going already?” said a voice from behind Corra. “What are we waiting for?”
“And who are you?” growled Tessa.
“Oh, that’s my friend I told you about. Tseer Darkfeather, meet Tessa Blackmoor,” Corra said with a flourish, waiting for her hidden friend to be impressed.
Out from behind Corra stepped a small hawk aarakokra, dressed in ragged monk’s robes, rumpled and carrying a staff. Tessa squinted. There was actually hay stuck among his feathers in places. Who was this country bumpkin?
There was a long pause while Tseer and Tessa blinked at each other.
“You know … from the posters?” Corra added.
“What posters?” grumped Tseer.
Tessa cleared her throat. “And what do you do, exactly?”
“I hit things,” Tseer replied.
Another awkward pause.
“OK, well now that we all know each other, let’s go,” said Corra, heading deeper into the alley.
“I’ll help, but I can’t guarantee your friend won’t get hurt, Corra,” said Tessa as she stalked along.
Tseer walked in sullen silence.
It wasn’t until they engaged with the enemy that Tessa changed her mind. They were confronting a gang of toughs behind a row of shops, Corra and Tessa following Keeper tactics with Tessa ahead brandishing her greatsword and Corra behind casting support spells. Out of the corner of her eye, Tessa saw a brown blur dodge under her sword and strike the first tough in the stomach, making him crumple to the ground.
After that, it was like watching a dancer. Tseer flowed from enemy to enemy, using their momentum against them, easily incapacitating one after the other. After the fifth and final enemy hit the pavement, Tessa realized she had stopped fighting to watch, her mouth open in amazement.
Her heart was pounding. He was like nothing she’d ever seen.
****
It took weeks of late nights and close calls before the gang admitted defeat at the hands of the three impromptu vigilantes. But they were the best weeks of Tessa’s life so far. She felt alive, vibrant, and finally, blessedly useful. For the first time in her life, she wasn’t toeing the Keeper line, wasn’t doing as she was told. She finally felt like a hero.
And there was Tseer. She looked forward to being with him. They started to learn each other’s moves, to fight back to back. They worked seamlessly, trained martial artists locked in a beautiful dance.
She’d never thought about love or romance. She hadn’t had time. Her duty to the Keepers always came first. Until now. She was making time for Corra’s missions, sneaking out after lights out, hoping against hope for some time alone with Tseer.
Then, one night, it happened. The threesome had started a tradition of heading to the Fantasy Waffle House for hashbrowns and coffee after each mission. That night, Corra had seen an old boyfriend, and when it was time to go, she slid into his booth to catch up, bidding Tseer and Tessa farewell.
Tessa didn’t know who was walking whom home. They were just walking. And talking. Reliving their favorite missions and complimenting each other’s moves. Tessa kept sneaking glances at Tseer under the greasy light of Luume’s street lamps. He looked energetic, wild and free, so out of place in this dark city.
So much the opposite of her life with the Keepers. Everything there was regimented, planned and proscribed. With Tseer she felt those shackles falling away, tentatively thinking of them as shackles for the first time.
I don’t have to be one of them. Don’t have to be a Keeper. Do I?
They were stopped, waiting for the street to clear so they could cross. Tessa sneaked a look at Tseer and saw him gazing at her holy symbol.
“Who is she?” he asked. “Your goddess. Is she a bird person like me?”
“No,” replied Tessa. “And maybe yes? I don’t know, really. I’ve never seen her. No one has. All we know is that we’ll see her at the end.”
“So she’s a death goddess?” asked Tseer, feathers shrinking towards his body.
“Yes, but not like you think,” said Tessa. “She guards the Veil between this life and what comes after … and what comes before. She’s as much a goddess of life as she is of death. She’s more about … borders … about separation … about natural cycles.”
“I don’t know, she sounds really complicated,” Tseer replied. “I like that she’s a bird, though. Ravens are cool. They’re fun, and they’re smart. Kind of like you, I guess.”
Tseer looked up at Tessa, and Tessa hesitated. He blinked at her with an inscrutable aarakora face bearing little to no expression. Was he flirting? Just being nice? She couldn’t tell.
The street cleared, and the two made a dash across, then walked in silence for a bit.
Would you like to do something this weekend, just the two of us maybe?
There’s this park I really like. Want to go with me?
How about lunch on Saturday?
Say something.
Say something, Tessa!
You can address a crowd of thousands but you can’t ask this bird boy out?!
“So, hey. I was thinking …”
But at the same time, Tseer was talking. “I’m so excited to go home this weekend. I leave Friday, and Mom is making my favorite dinner. I’m going to be there for two whole days! Don’t plan any vigilante action without me, OK? Oh, hey. Were you saying something?”
“No,” mumbled Tessa. “It’s not important. I hope you have a great time, though.”
A pause. Just long enough to make Tessa wonder if he knew.
“Thanks,” said Tseer. And they walked the rest of the way in silence.
****
The next morning, Tessa received a summons to attend the Father Commander in his offices. Bleary-eyed from a late night, she grudgingly got dressed and wandered to the Indeliophan, headquarters of the Keepers.
How much I’ve changed, she thought. Two months ago, I’d have been sprinting to this meeting.
I hope Tseer doesn’t hate me.
She paused outside the office door, mentally prepared herself, stepped inside and snapped to attention.
“At ease, Miss Blackmoor,” said the Father Commander, a satisfied smile on his face. “I want you to meet someone. Tessa, this is Benjamin Carrow, our new public relations officer.”
Tessa relaxed her stance and saw an elderly man seated before the Father Commander’s desk. At first glance, he looked kindly and concerned, but the longer she met his gaze, the less she liked him. She felt … slimy … in his presence.
“Word has reached me that you seem to have time on your hands, Tessa,” the Father Commander lectured. “Especially in the evenings. Benjamin here has a new plan, an initiative if you will, to bring even more recruits to our glorious cause. And you are the perfect person to help. It involves a lot of public appearances … especially in the evenings … doesn’t it, Benjamin?”
Tessa’s heart sank.
“But Father Commander …”
“ATTENTION, Blackmoor!”
Tessa snapped to attention, eyes forward, fixed on a point on the wall ahead of her.
“You know your duty, do you not, Blackmoor?”
But evenings are the only time I have to myself.
“Yes sir , Father Commander! My duty is to defend the city of Luume from the undead scourge, sir !” It was rote, instinct.
The Father Commander walked towards her, hands clasped behind his back, shaking his head. He came close. Too close. The creepy old man just watched, that placid, oily smile still on his face.
“Tessa, this organization has put a lot of time and effort into you. Need I remind you where you came from?”
I loved my family. They were good people. And I love Father Kravitz. He would take me in. I don’t need this place.
“You were a street urchin, Tessa. You would have ended up turning tricks on a street corner if we hadn’t seen your potential.”
Fuck you, old man. You don’t know me. (Or do you? Maybe I do owe you everything.)
“Now you have purpose. Now you have skills and prestige. We gave you that. Not Father Kravitz. Not these ‘friends’ you’re playing with after hours. It’s time to put away childish things and step into the role we’ve nurtured you for. You can be great, Tessa. But only if you stay the course we have provided. Isn’t that what you want?”
Tessa blinked back tears. She felt confused, muddled in her head. Like she couldn’t think straight.
But Tseer....
The Keepers had always been there for her. Duty had always been there for her. If the Father Commander thought something must be done, it must be done, right?
It was better for Tseer this way, anyway. She would make a terrible girlfriend. Duty would eat into their time. He deserved better. He’d forget her and move on.
And she would forget him one day … wouldn’t she?
A vision of him soaring, wild and free, against a blue sky.
(take me with you…)
Tessa blinked again and for a second she felt like too much time had passed. The Father Commander was back behind his desk. Had he ever walked towards her? And why was her face wet?
Everyone was looking at her expectantly. She pulled herself together and turned on her poster smile.
“Pleased to meet you, Mr. Carrow. I can’t wait to get started!”
****
It was two years before she saw Tseer again, before she was good enough for long enough that the Father Commander let her off the leash. Tessa met Corra at Moradin’s Flagon, ready to try her hand at vigilante justice again, and there was Tseer.
Her heart leaped into her throat, and she didn’t know why, not for a long time. Not until whatever the Keepers had done to her started to wear off. By then, she was in love with Ai, happier than she had ever been with the sassy halfling by her side and in her bed.
But she was also living with Tseer in that cramped space, seeing him, remembering a little more, day after day.
That is, until he was gone.
Her face is wet again. Something soft brushes against her hand, and Tessa looks up to see Skitters nuzzling one of Tseer’s gis. She scratches the spidercat’s head and whispers, “I know, buddy. I miss him, too.”
Gently, she places the picture back where she found it, strokes a feather with one finger, moves Skitters out of the way and firmly closes the lid on the footlocker. She sits on the bed and lets the light spell fade, thinking.
Ravens are cool and fun and smart, huh? But how can a raven compete with a phoenix?
How could her sweet, wild, deadly bird boy fall for someone as fake and arrogant as Wyatt Vancroft? Was she mistaken about Tseer the whole time?
Maybe she was. And the fight with Stanton proved that, didn’t it? Tseer had chosen Wyatt over her, over doing the right thing. He is different. Everything is different.
And she is different, too.
But the moment to act on her feelings, if it ever existed, has passed. And no one, not Tseer, not Wyatt, not Ai, would ever know how much she wanted, and maybe still wants, something more.
THUMP, THUMP, THUMP
“Hun! I’m fryin’ bacon! Can ya get out of bed an’ get the door?!” Ai hollers from the outer room.
Tessa trudges downstairs, hair sticking up in weird directions, rumpled but still strangely beautiful in just shorts and a tanktop, bare feet padding on the cement floor, greatsword resting on one shoulder.
She opens the door a crack and squints into the sunlight.
“Did I catch you at a bad time?” says Wyatt.
“Fuck off,” Tessa growls, and slams the door in his face.