Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was already late on a long and tiring day at the practice rooms when Johnny had let himself out into the cold night air. His mind was a swirl of thoughts fighting amongst each other but he found himself stopping by the figure who was sitting huddled on the edge of the stairs.

“Yuta?” he asked, his tone incredulous.

The figure moved slightly. “No, umm, it’s not me. Please ignore and move on.”

Johnny crouched down beside him. “Didn’t you go back with the others? Since when have you been outside here? You must be freezing.” He reached for his hands and it felt like he was holding ice.

Yuta giggled. “Everyone is too fucking busy. Taeyong was busy with Jaehyun. And Winwin…well, fuck him. He thinks he’s a prince.”

“Are you drunk?” Johnny helped him to his feet but he could see how he was swaying.

Yuta smiled. “Just a tiny bit. It feels amazing. I can’t feel anything. Take that Winwin!” He threw an empty can towards the fence.

It was then that Johnny realized that Yuta was sitting with a bunch of mostly empty beer cans throwing them at an anime version of Winwin he had drawn clumsily on the fence.

They walked back to the dorm together, stopping for coffee but not finding comfort, each lost in his own thoughts. It was three-thirty in the night when they let themselves into the dorm. Maybe it was something Yuta had said but Johnny was already leaving again, feeling slightly hopeful that he could work things out with Ten.

“You’re going to Ten right now?”

Johnny nodded.

Yuta took a deep breath, looking slightly green. “Okay, good luck. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m going to be sick.”

“Oh, should I help?”

“No, please. Go away now.”

Johnny grinned as he watched Yuta grumbling in the dark. He said, “Yuta, it’ll work out with Winwin. I’m sure of it.”

“Johnny, there’s nothing going on to work out. You’re reading too much into my drunken rants. I don’t mean half of the things I’ve said. This isn’t me but the drinks talking. So, don’t worry about me and just go. Now. Before I throw you out of the door.”

Johnny quirked an eyebrow at the slightly swaying figure but knowing his friend had closed the discussion, he quietly tip-toed over to the room Yuta shared with Winwin and Taeil.

“Winwin?” he whispered, tapping the sleeping guy’s shoulder.

Winwin cursed sleepily.

“I think Yuta is sick. Could you take care of him? I have to leave.”

He sat up. “What happened?”

“Had too much to drink, I guess. Just—”

But Winwin was already rushing out of the room.

Winwin was totally sure that this was a bad idea but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help but agree when Yuta said he wasn’t tired and a movie wouldn’t be a bad idea. In fact, as they squeezed together in Winwin’s bed and balanced the laptop precariously on the blanket, his brain was screaming “BAD IDEA” in all of the languages he knew.

“Shut up,” he mumbled.

Yuta frowned at him. “I didn’t even say anything.”

Winwin stole a quick glance at him. There were so many questions he wanted to ask him. His nerves were still on edge, mind still processing sleepily what had happened.

Johnny had woken him up in the middle of the night and told him Yuta was sick. Maybe he should have asked for more details but he had rushed off to help Yuta. Now, he wanted to know why Yuta was drunk and being sick in the washroom at three in the morning. He wanted to know where Johnny had disappeared in the middle of the night without telling him anything. Most of all, he wanted to know why Yuta was behaving like nothing had happened. As if finding your roommate drunk was no big cause for concern when said roommate had a fixed early-to-bed schedule otherwise.

Are you okay?

“What do you want to watch?” Yuta asked.

His voice was so calm that it jarred Winwin. Was he overthinking this? Was Yuta upset or was this just an after-effect of a night of drinking. “Huh?” He thought for a bit when the question was repeated. “I don’t know. You pick.”

They ended up watching 5 Centimeters per Second and truth be told, he could have done with something happier. He didn’t like the idea of two people losing to time and distance, but he wasn’t really watching the movie. The Japanese dialogue was the only sound in the room and maybe, he should have read the subbed dialogues but he was so busy trying to figure out Yuta…Yuta who sat beside him, eyelids drooping with sleep every now and then, who never looked away from the screen even once.

His brain was full of warning bells. He could feel this wasn’t just about Yuta but also somewhere about him. Was it something I did? But he hadn’t done anything. He had steered clear of the Japanese boy, done nothing to show….He shook his head. No, he had done nothing. It was late and he was just overthinking. His eyelids were drooping and unable to watch the movie or focus on his thoughts comprehensively, he gave up. 

The last thing he remembered before falling asleep was Yuta leaning back against the wall and closing his eyes. Winwin remembered reaching over to push away the blonde strands of hair that were falling over his forehead. He didn’t remember the movie ending.

When he woke up next morning, he smiled to himself, enjoying the warmth of the covers, still not fully awake. It was only when he rubbed his face against his pillow that he realized with a start that he was, in fact, not hugging a pillow but squishing Yuta. He was so shocked he nearly fell out of the bed.

He closed his eyes hoping Yuta wouldn’t wake up and see how flustered he was. He let out a breath when he realized that the other boy was still peacefully sleeping. He got out of bed quietly and was in the process of tucking in Yuta when a loud shout came from downstairs.

Winwin froze as Yuta shifted. His eyes blinked open and Winwin could see his eyes widen as Yuta realized how close Winwin was to him.

Quick, damage control. Winwin cleared his throat. “Uh, I was just about to tell you to wake up. It’s uh morning.” Sicheng, seriously? “Also, Yuta hyung, you slept in my bed again!” 

Yuta closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. “Sorry, I didn’t realize.” He got up and asked, “What’s the ruckus about?”

“I have no idea. I’m going downstairs to check out,” Winwin said, doing his best to look as nonchalant as possible.

“Give me two minutes, I’m coming with you,” Yuta said, flashing him a smile. “It’s probably just Johnny coming home after making up with Ten. They had a huge fight earlier.”

“Oh? I knew they were having it tough but I didn’t know they had a fight but you’re right they can’t stay mad at each other for long.” He smiled fondly, thinking about his friends. “Be quick. I don’t want to miss their dramatic, sappy homecoming.”

Yuta emerged from the washroom a few minutes later, looking all awake and clean and Winwin had to tear his eyes away with a scowl because, of course, Yuta had to pull on a shirt only after prancing about for a good minute.

“Show off,” he whispered under his breath.

Yuta walked up to him and looking at his blank stare, Winwin felt, for a second, like maybe he should apologize. He opened his mouth but Yuta smiled, tilting his head to a side in his characteristic manner.

“Thank you, Sicheng-ah, for taking care of me last night and I’m sorry for being a burden,” Yuta said. “I—thank you.” He patted his shoulder and turned towards the door.

Winwin followed him. “It’s no problem. You shouldn’t apologize. Just umm…is everything okay? Why were you drinking?”

Yuta stopped in his tracks and let out a small laugh. “You’ll know when you know, I guess.”

Chapter Text

Winwin walked downstairs to the breakfast table, hair still slightly damp from the shower. He was humming a tune merrily despite having woken up early. It felt that it was going to be a good day. His room that he shared with Yuta and Taeil had been surprisingly quiet and empty. He wondered where they were. Probably working out somewhere. He shook his head, smiling. They had great will power to do this early in the morning.

It was too early for breakfast to be ready so he would have to do with cornflakes, he guessed. Maybe call Kun for a sandwich. He was in the mood for a sandwich. A nice double decker sandwich with a tall glass of litchi juice.

"Oh, Winwin, good morning."

"Winwin, did you have a good sleep?"

Winwin stopped short.

Standing dangerously close to each other but still somehow managing to ignore each other's presence stood Yuta and Taeil. Both of them had dazzling, expectant smiles.

"Uh, good morning? Why are you-"

"I prepared some breakfast for you."

"I prepared some breakfast for you."

They looked at each other with slightly strained smiles. Winwin saw that both of them had laid out sandwiches and glasses of juice for him. He wanted to feel grateful but instead he could already feel a headache climbing to his temples. He had an idea of what was coming next already.

Yuta raised an eyebrow. "Oh, you did too? It's alright. Winwin can have yours then."

Taeil frowned. "No, no, it's fine. Winwin-ah can have yours."

"Taeil hyung, I really don't mind."

"But I mind if your hard work goes to waste."

Yuta swept his hair back, jaw set tight. "It's a big day for Winwin."

Taeil nodded. "I agree. We shouldn't argue over such a trivial thing. Not that we're arguing." He cast a quick look at Winwin.

"Exactly my thoughts. So, you'll agree if we just spare Winwin the ordeal of this. He can have yours."

Winwin sighed and opened his mouth but they were already arguing. He watched as they stood next to each other, getting redder by the minute, being extremely polite in their arguments but still very much arguing.

"I told you I'm making breakfast for him."

"But I was in the kitchen first."

"I woke up first."

"That litchi juice is going to give him a sore throat anyway."

"Your double decker sandwich is going to cause him indigestion."

That was it. He had to intervene before they woke up everyone in the dorm. "Oh my god, can you two stop?"

Yuta and Taeil stopped immediately, both of them blinking, suddenly aware of the situation.

"Can we just not argue like this all the time?" Winwin said. "I keep telling you guys that I don't want this-this idiocy. It's really not funny. I wish you both would just let this charade die already." He couldn't understand why he was getting worked up. But he was. He felt like shouting but was grateful that his voice was low. "You're taking this whole ship joke far too long. So just don't."

Yuta looked like he had been slapped. He drew in a quick breath. "I'm sorry, Winwin-ah." He swallowed and walked out of the room. They could hear his footsteps on the staircase as he walked up to their room.

"Winwin," Taeil said, walking towards him. "We didn't-we don't...seriously, it's not like you think." He placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I know, okay? It's not like anyone thinks and that irritates me even more." There was a harshness in his tone that shocked Taeil who drew back quickly.

"I remembered I had to get some groceries," he said suddenly. "Good luck for today. See you later."

Winwin stared after him long after he had left the house, the door closing slowly behind his retreating form.

"Might as well eat the breakfast," came a voice from the living room.

He nearly jumped out of his skin. “D-Doyoung? You scared me.”

Doyoung put down his phone and got up from the couch. He looked at the spread on the table and nodded appreciatively. “There’s enough for two. Let’s have breakfast. We can talk while we eat.”

Winwin gave him a look. “Uh, we’re not talking because there’s nothing to talk about.” He wanted to ask how he had been there, what all he had heard and what did he make of it but he just couldn’t. Glancing at Doyoung’s calm but determined face he had no choice but to sit down and pick up a sandwich.

Doyoung watched Winwin reposition the sandwiches and juice so that he had a combination of double decker sandwiches and litchi juice. “I didn’t know Taeil hyung and Yuta hyung would actually get up and cook for you. I’m even more surprised this is edible.”

“Both of them are good cooks. They just never want to cook,” Winwin said, gulping down the food. “Why are you up so early? Were you planning on making breakfast for me too?”

Doyoung snorted. He pointed to a paper bag on the counter. “I thought you could deliver something for me since you are going to meet the WayV members today.”

“Oh what is it? Is this a celebratory gift because the last WayV teaser is releasing today? This is so sweet. Thank you,” Winwin said, grinning.

“It’s not for you. It’s for Ku—” Doyoung paused as the doorbell rang.

They stared at each other.

“You go open it,” Doyoung said quickly.

“I’m eating.”

Doyoung hurriedly popped some food into his mouth. “I’m eating too. Besides it’s probably your delivery.”

“You’re the hyung.”

“That’s why you should listen to me.”

Winwin pouted. “It’s a big day for me. Open the door as a gift.”

“I’ll give you an actual gift later.”

The bell rang again.

“Everyone is going to wake up but I suppose it’s just Kun ge come to get me. He can wait outside while I eat, I guess,” Winwin said, very innocently.

Doyoung was already on the way to open the front door. “Kun, hi.”

“Hey, Doyoung. You’re up early.” Kun smiled warmly. “Is Winwin up?”

Doyoung smiled back at Kun who walked in. “Yeah. Yeah, he’s up.”

Kun was wearing a simple sweater over jeans, immaculate and in control. Even his expressions were careful. Nothing to betray that he was as excited as Winwin for their upcoming debut. But then, Doyoung remembered that Kun was also nursing a heartbreak under the calm, easy-going smile. That was the thing about Kun. You never knew what he was thinking and Doyoung wanted to know everything.

“Kun ge, morning! I’m nearly done. Want to have some breakfast? Oh right, take that paper bag on the counter before I forget. Doyoung hyung got it for—”

Doyoung’s eyes widened as he heard Winwin. In record time, he reached the paper bag and quickly handed it to Kun. “It’s for Ten. It’s for Ten.”

“Okay.” Kun nodded, smiling at what seemed like a very excited Doyoung. “I’ll make sure that it reaches him.”

“They’re donuts. You can have some too. They’re really good. Uh, if you like them, you could have the whole thing. I’ll buy some for Ten later. Just keep the whole thing. Or don’t. Share it with the kids.”

“Okay, I’m done,” Winwin said, getting up. “We’ll have that talk later or preferably never. Bye. We’re going now.” He dragged Kun out before Doyoung could say anything about their pending ‘talk’.

As the door shut, Doyoung let out a groan. “Ugh, what was I even saying? I’m so stupid. Should have just kept my mouth shut.”

-

When Taeil left, citing groceries as an excuse, he hadn’t really meant to go to the cornerstore but that’s where his feet took him. It was just his thing. He liked the place even though the woman behind the counter—known to him only as ahjumma—was really impatient and often threatened to throw him out for loitering in the aisles.

It was quiet, mildly air-conditioned and there was no concept of time there. He could spend hours just glancing over the snacks in the aisles or sitting at the glass windows with a steaming cup of ramen; time would slow down.

He braced himself for the retort the ahjumma would send his way for coming here in his pajamas. However, there was none. Soon, he was walking across the store, seemingly looking at the items but actually replaying the breakfast scene. Sure, Yuta and him often bickered over little things related to Winwin but surely it was all harmless. He didn’t mind and he knew Yuta didn’t too. Winwin himself had laughed about it several times, directing some quip Taeil’s way too. He liked sharing jokes with Winwin, he liked seeing him smile and he wanted to impress him so bad.

Lately, Winwin had begun to distance himself from him, though. He hadn’t said anything. Just a careful sidestepping here and there. Just enough for Taeil to know that he wasn’t taken seriously by the other boy. He didn’t want to feel the hurt that came with such a realisation. He wish he didn’t have to feel any of it.

He found himself sitting at the store’s windows, absent-mindedly stirring a cup of ramen and for the first time in years, he felt lonely. He hadn’t even finished taking his second bite when he choked over his food, coughing and spluttering, face reddening.

“Mr. Customer, have some water,” the employee behind the counter said urgently, bringing him a paper cup. He patted his back as Taeil downed the glass and took a deep breath. “You should pay attention to your food.”

“Thank you…” Taeil looked for a nametag on this new employee. “Azhar?”

Azhar corrected his pronunciation slightly. “Are you okay now?”

Taeil nodded, looking around. “Where’s the ahjumma?”

“Oh Mrs. Kim? She left. I’m her replacement. Nice to meet you.”

Taeil looked even more miserable. He had been coming here since over a year and ahjumma—Mrs. Kim—hadn’t even said goodbye. He thought they had some sort of acquaintance even though it was mostly her snapping, “Young boy, I’m warning you if you steal anything, I’m calling the police.”

He got up. “Thank you for your help. I’ll leave.”

The employee nodded. “Just wear this when you go out?”

Taeil frowned at the face mask he was being offered.

“You’re kind of recognizable and you might get ambushed if you go around like that.”

Great, so the new employee knew who he was. He couldn’t even mope around in his favourite store anymore. Nevertheless, he took the mask before he left.

-

Yuta had been staring at his phone screen for far too long. He hadn’t realized it but the video that he had put on had changed more than a couple of times. His mind was elsewhere, regretting everything. He rubbed his eyes, feeling so upset with himself. Why couldn’t he forget it, him, everything?

At first, it hadn’t been like this. Things had been easy between Winwin and himself. It had been a surprisingly easy friendship to acquire, something that helped them both. They were both foreigners. Yuta just had more experience and he had promised himself to look out for the younger one so that he wouldn’t have to go through the painful homesickness that Yuta felt even now.

Things change. Or rather sometimes, they stagnate. Winwin and himself were still where they had been. Easy friendship where he looked out for Winwin and Winwin looked out for him. Always the little things. The larger picture was turning out different for both of them, Yuta realized.

What had happened in the morning was just one of the many, seemingly meaningless, heat-of-the-moment kind of things that had happened recently but all these little things were adding up to a pattern.. Slowly, Winwin was drifting away and Yuta had thought he would be able to handle it. He had been wrong.

“Yuta?”

Yuta looked up from his phone at the person peeking into his room. He felt disoriented suddenly, some random video playing on his phone as he bowed his head quickly so that his hair would cover his eyes.

It was Johnny. “May I come in?”

“No,” Yuta replied, turning back to the phone screen.

Johnny entered the room nevertheless, finally sitting at the foot of his bed. “It was a rhetorical question.”

Yuta pretended that he couldn’t hear anything over his earphones. To be honest, he really wanted to lie holed up in his room forever. He wished there had been some schedule today. Anything to take his mind off the argument he had had with Winwin. It wasn’t often that Winwin was outright in his words but this morning he had not only been disappointed at them but also angry.

“I heard from Taeyong who heard from Doyoung that Winwin went off at Taeil and you this morning,” Johnny began. When Yuta didn’t reply he went on softly, “Did you really throw a pillow at Taeyong and tell him to fuck off?”

“I might have,” Yuta said, reddening.

“He is so upset right now. I thought something horrible happened when he came to me just now, babbling about how much Yuta hates him.”

Yuta put down his phone. “I shouldn’t have done that.” He groaned. “I kept on telling him to leave me alone. Seriously, there is nothing wrong. I just want some me-time to spend on Youtube. Can’t I have that?”

“Of course, you can, but if you’re facing something that is hurting you, you needn’t do it alone and in silence,” Johnny said. “Just let us help you and if we can’t then you can throw all the pillows at us and we’ll leave it at that.”

“You and Taeyong can’t relate, Johnny,” Yuta sighed. “It’s different for you guys. You aren’t…” He blinked back and trailed off, looking miserable. “Where is Taeil hyung?” he asked.

“Jungwoo went to get him from the corner store.”

“Good, I was getting worried for him.”

“Jungwoo said he asked about you too.”

“We understand each other, I guess. I mean, we bicker but we understand what both of us are going through.” Yuta closed his eyes and laid back. “I can’t believe I thought getting up to make breakfast for Winwin was a great plan. It’s probably lying in the trash right now.”

“Yuta.” Johnny looked at him, sadly.

He got up. “Fine, I need your help. Help me apologize to Taeyong.”

“You’re very bad at changing the subject.”

Yuta smiled. “I’m going to do what I can right now. Apologizing to Taeyong is what I can do. Sorting my shit? Maybe later.”

Chapter Text

Winwin stole a glance at his roommates. Their room was eerily quiet. He had been trying to ignore the silence, playing his game trying to upgrade his league in Superstar SM but he had been failing miserably.

Truth was he had had a wonderful day. Everything was now ready for WayV’s debut. The group had moderated everything to the minutest of details and he was buzzing with the anticipation and excitement he felt for the music’s release. So much so that the fight in the morning had totally slipped from his mind but it hung over him now, like a heavy, wet blanket. In the forty minutes he had spent in this room, he was overcome by something akin to uneasiness even though he very well knew that all he could be blamed for was being short of patience.

Taeil was working out in his corner, doing a plank but with questionable posture, trying to appear as inconspicuous as possible in his wait for one of his roommates to say something.  Right now even a Dad joke from him was preferable for Winwin than this uncomfortable silence.

Yuta had earphones in and was lying on his bed with eyes closed. He had been that way ever since Winwin had caught him staring at him, chewing his lip in deep thought. He had quickly averted his gaze and then proceeded to sleep but with the way he was fidgeting, Winwin knew he was awake.

He sighed. He really didn’t know what to do. Usually they just slipped back into normalcy after their arguments but today felt colder and maybe there was a time when Winwin would have appreciated the quiet but it felt suffocating today.

He got up and cleared his throat.

“So, uh…”

Taeil fell mid-plank.

Yuta’s eyes opened so quick that it was impossible he had been listening to music.

Winwin coughed. “About…you know…”

Yuta sat up slowly. “Winwin-ah.”

He looked at him quickly, searching his face earnestly to understand what he was thinking but Yuta seemed to be doing the exact same and it was in surprising moments like these that Winwin caught a glimpse of a vulnerability in Yuta’s eyes.

Yuta nodded to himself as if understanding something slowly. A small smile spread over his face. “We aren’t waiting for you to apologize. We thought you might be upset so we didn’t know what to do but wait until we could apologize.”

Winwin turned red. He realized that maybe him getting rooted to his bed silently playing his game had been as uncomfortable to them as their attempts to give him space had been.

“So, you don’t need to apologize. If anything, we—”

Winwin rubbed the back of his head. “I wasn’t going to apologize. I had forgotten about the morning totally. You guys…pfft.”

Taeil giggled knowingly. “Yeah, right. Yuta, you shouldn’t have stopped him. He was finally going to start the conversation on his own.” He jumped onto Winwin’s bed. “Go on. Say whatever you were trying to say. Hyung will forgive you.”

Winwin rolled his eyes and pushed him playfully. “If you’re apologizing then fine I forgive you.”

Taeil threw him a finger-heart. “Was it my aegyo?”

“No, it was your fourth fail at planking.”

“So, you were looking at me. Winwinnie, have you seen my muscles?”

“I have spared myself the horror.”

They were all laughing now and when Winwin caught Yuta’s eye, he felt his heart skip a beat because—and he realized it only then—it had been a while since he had seen Yuta smile like that.

“Let’s order some chicken,” Winwin said. “Give me your phone.”

“Why my phone?” Yuta said, handing him his phone.

“I’m saving the charge for my games, of course.” Well, that wasn’t totally false but okay, maybe he had an ulterior motive as he took Yuta’s phone. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw that Yuta’s lockscreen was still a picture of him. It was the one Yuta had taken when they had gone to LA for promotions. Just Winwin smiling at the beach, the sun in his eyes, a fading rainbow behind him.

He didn’t let the relief show on his face as he dialled the restaurant’s number but he was happy that Yuta hadn’t changed it.

By the time, the chicken was delivered the other members were in their room too, as if the tension easing had spread across the dorm. Soon they were all laughing and cheering as Winwin told them about his day, his excitement infectious.

In midst of the small gathering, he caught sight of Taeyong sending a comforting glance at Yuta. He would have mulled over it further but Taeil and Mark were on either of his sides, one telling him a joke and the other stealing a drumstick from him.
They ended up playing an intense series of Uno and someone opened a box of beer. It was probably Johnny who asked, “Since everything is okay now, when can we expect you two to go out on a date?”

Winwin gasped so fast that the beer nearly went up his nose. “What!?” He looked at Yuta who was staring at him so intensely that if looks could burn, Winwin would be crisp. He slapped Johnny’s arm. “You seriously…We aren’t like that. That—that’s preposterous. I mean, Yuta and I? Haha, Johnny hyung. That’s like Minnie Mouse marrying Doraemon. Ahahaha.”

Johnny grinned. “I didn’t even say who I was talking about. For all you know, I could be talking about Taeyong and Jaehyun.”

Winwin narrowed his eyes at him. “Yeah, right.”

When he was washing dishes with Jaehyun at night, his friend whispered to him. “So, did you tell him yet?”

Winwin paused, staring at the plate in his hand. “Can you tell him?”

“If me telling him about that would work, I might as well tell him that you have the biggest crush on him.”

Winwin glared at him. “I will kill you.”

“Fine, fine. Whatever. Just tell him. Preferably both of the things.”

“What are you scared of?”

“You know he’s going to be really upset.”

“Isn’t he always very understanding?”

Winwin stacked the plates. “Even if he doesn’t say anything, I know when he is upset, okay?” He looked at his friend. “I know what you mean though. I have to tell him some time. I’d just prefer later.”

“Did you talk to Ten about this fantastic plan of yours?”

“Yes, I did.”

Jaehyun asked, “And what did he say?”

“That I am an idiot.”

“Glad Ten and I agree.”

The next day, Winwin was leaving early when he tip-toed to where Yuta’s phone was charging. It was just a harmless habit of his. To check his lockscreen now and then.

He frowned.

The lockscreen had changed. It was Winwin still but post-show, Limitless-era Winwin looking petulantly at the camera. Winwin remembered when Yuta had clicked this picture. He was looking ghastly. It had been after a show when Winwin had smudged his make-up angrily, irritated by his outfit and the monstrous belt and the botched up dance move.

He shoved the phone back, looking at Yuta’s sleeping form.

When he returned that evening, he made a point to discreetly show his lockscreen to Yuta. It was a picture of Yuta covered in mud from when the time he had fallen face first into a rainy muddle during a rare walk together.

Yuta laughed when he saw it. “You still have this? Isn’t this pre-debut? Wow, I look ugly. Taeyongie, look at this.”

Winwin huffed.

Chapter Text

Recap:

The next day, Winwin was leaving early when he tip-toed to where Yuta’s phone was charging. It was just a harmless habit of his. To check his lockscreen now and then.

He frowned.

The lockscreen had changed. It was Winwin still but post-show, Limitless-era Winwin looking petulantly at the camera. Winwin remembered when Yuta had clicked this picture. He was looking ghastly. It had been after a show when Winwin had smudged his make-up angrily, irritated by his outfit and the monstrous belt and the botched up dance move.

He shoved the phone back, looking at Yuta’s sleeping form.

When he returned that evening, he made a point to discreetly show his lockscreen to Yuta. It was a picture of Yuta covered in mud from when the time he had fallen face first into a rainy muddle during a rare walk together.

Yuta laughed when he saw it. “You still have this? Isn’t this pre-debut? Wow, I look ugly. Taeyongie, look at this.”

Winwin huffed.

-

Winwin was glaring at Yuta and Taeyong who were clutching each other, laughing at Taeyong’s Japanese while fixing up some dinner.

“Jaehyun,” he said, “you haven’t taken Taeyong out for a date in quite a while, right?”

They were sitting on the couch in the living room, watching football.

Jaehyun smiled, his dimple deepening. “We went out yesterday. Why?” His tone was shrewd.

Winwin looked at Yuta and Taeyong again and nearly growled. “Your boyfriend has no sense of personal space.”

Jaehyun nudged him. “Quit being jealous. Taeyongie is being smothered by Yuta if I’m seeing clearly. Besides, I remember someone telling me jealousy is a dangerous thing.”

“How do you not get jealous?” Winwin groaned.

Jaehyun looked at Taeyong fondly. “I used to, before, but being in a relationship changes stuff, you know? Things are good.”

Winwin threw him a dirty look. “I have never felt so bad for being single.”

“Oi, Jaehyunnie, can you have a look at this?” Taeyong called him from the kitchen. “Yuta says it’s too spicy but then Yuta finds everything spicy.”

“Later, singleton,” Jaehyun said, laughing, as he strode to the kitchen.

“Okay, you guys, I see you’re leaving me out of your little cooking show. I’m going to call Jun and Hao and go get dinner with them.”

“Bye,” they chorused.

Haechan entered the room, hearing the exchange. “Aww, Winwin hyung, are the hyungs being mean again? Fear not, Haechannie is here. Let me read your future with my new Ouija board.”

Winwin was about to suggest a game instead because he didn’t want to be the first experiment of Haechan’s new Ouija board but suddenly he remembered why Haechan had an Ouija board in the first place. Jaehyun had bought it for him after Haechan had read his future from the Tarot cards. No one knew exactly what Haechan had told Jaehyun but within the span of a few hours, Jaehyun was dating Taeyong.

“Can it answer a question for me?” he whispered.

Haechan’s eyes glinted. “And so much more.” He set up the board on the coffee table and asked Winwin to sit across him. “But first, I need payment.”

Winwin made a move to get up. “Okay, I’m leaving.”

“No, no, sit, sit. Okay, since you’re my first customer, it’s nearly free for you. Just help me prank Mark one of these days.”

Winwin nodded dismissively.

“Alright.” Haechan put on a serene face and fished out a purple robe from somewhere. “Welcome to Oracle Haechan’s Ouija session. I’m calling on spirits—”

There was a burst of laughter from the general direction of the kitchen.   

“—yes, yes, I hear some witches wailing in the background.”

The laughter died down quickly.

“Okay, it’s quieter now. I feel the presence of a spirit.” The table shook slightly. “Oh it’s a real strong spirit but my presence has calmed it down. Okay, child, ask your question,” Haechan said, eyes still closed.

Winwin began, “What does Y—?” He stopped himself as he realized that the three in the kitchen had stopped cooking and were listening intently. What does Yuta truly think of me? No, he couldn’t ask that. He had a cool image to uphold. So, he covered up quickly. “What does my future look like?”

Haechan opened his eyes but rolled them back so only the whites showed and melodramatically, he shook the table with his foot. “Spirit-nim is saying something. Please spell it out for us.” He leaned over the table and the pointer began to move quickly.

Winwin drew a breath and tried to read the letters that were being highlighted by the pointer. “What the—it’s going too fast. Is it even saying anything? Seems random roaming about to me.”

The pointer stopped moving and the table stopped shaking. Haechan gave him a loathsome look. “You’ve made the spirit upset by your disbelief.”

The audience in the kitchen moved back to their work.

Haechan whispered conspirationally. “But don’t worry, hyung, I got the message. I can read the pointer pretty fast.”

Winwin looked doubtful.

“The spirit talked about…”

Winwin didn’t want to appear interested but his head leaned closer to catch the words.

“The spirit said, ‘Dong Sicheng, your biggest competition is about to come’,” Haechan said in a hoarse voice. He coughed and spoke clearly after delivering this. “So, what did you think of my session?”

“You need to work on the whole table movement,” Winwin said.

Haechan nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind for next time. Who do you think I should call for a session next?” He scratched his non-existent beard thoughtfully.

“Ask Yuta. He seems pretty free these days.”

The younger boy sighed. “He’s my favourite experiment but I’m pretty sure he’s the one who has hidden away my tarot cards.”

“You kept telling him a grimm was going to get him at breakfast every day. I won’t be surprised if he did hide them.”

Haechan laughed. “I was just kidding, practicing my Harry Potter impersonations.” He smiled wistfully before doing a perfect imitation of Professor Trelawney. “Speaking of Yuta hyung, I heard from Renjun who heard from Ten hyung…when are you planning to tell Yuta hyung?”

Winwin spluttered. “Why does everyone keep pressuring me to tell Yuta? First Jaehyun and Ten and now you. How does it even matter? He’ll know when the rest of the boys know.”

“You’re joking, right? He’s going to be devastated when he finds out,” Haechan said.

“Why? I mean, sure, it’s going to take a little getting used to but it’s no big deal.” Winwin shrugged, looking at the floor.

“It’s no big deal? You’re moving dorms. Yuta hyung and you have been roommates since forever. Maybe you’re cold enough to not care about the change but he isn’t like that. He loves you.”

Winwin got up, angrily. “You’ve all got it so wrong. It’s the other way round.” He stomped his foot and walked out of the dorm.

Haechan picked up his phone guiltily and typed a message to Mark. “Remember when you said I shouldn’t interfere in other people’s relationships?”

CanadaBoy: Oh Haechan

Not again

Please tell me it’s not yuwin

DevilHimself: Bingo

Wait, how do you know its yuwin?

Do you know something I don’t?

Mark?

Mark?

Mark!

-

Outside the dorm, Winwin took a walk to his favourite park. He sat on a bench and thought about what Haechan had said. Everyone, from the members to the fans, had classified him as some sort of ice prince and Yuta as a pining lover. He scoffed. They didn’t know how far from the truth they were. It was him who was in love with Yuta. He had no idea how it started. At first, he had been grateful to Yuta for immediately taking him under his wing. It was so wonderful to have this sweet, hard-working person take time out for him, help him in everything and by the time they became roommates, Winwin was already a goner.

At first, he had brushed his feelings somewhere deep inside. If he tried very hard, no one would ever know. There was training, fears of failure, a whole new world, and never-ending language problems; for a long while, his feelings were lost in translation. It was Ten and Jaehyun who found out first.

They were all having Doyoung’s birthday dinner in a restaurant and Winwin was talking to Ten and Jaehyun about how it was unfair that Ten was learning Korean so much faster when Winwin was the clever one.

“Who said you’re the clever one? What is your IQ?” Ten asked, laughing.

Jaehyun passed them the plate of barbecue meat. “It’s fruitless to fight about this. I have the highest IQ on our whole team.”

“What is your IQ, smartass?” Winwin asked in disbelief.

The other two were about to respond when they both stopped short. Winwin had, whilst talking, turned over the meat helpings from the plate, fishing for the good ones. This was pretty routine for him but what happened next caught their attention. He had placed the good pieces on Yuta’s plate wordlessly, almost subconsciously.

Ten turned to Jaehyun. “Did you—Did you see what I saw?”

Jaehyun nodded. “It’s definitely time for a washroom break.” He gave them a pointed look.

Winwin frowned and looked to his other side. What had the other two seen? Some gossip?

“Yes,” Ten lowered his voice, “he means secret meeting, fyi.”

Winwin rolled his eyes. “I know, Ten.”

“Just checking. You seem unwell.”

Winwin had no idea what Ten was talking about but the minute they reached the washroom his friends launched themselves at him.

“You like him!”

“You like Yuta hyung!”

Winwin had no idea why his face was heating up. He made a noise. “Pfft. I-I don’t. I mean, what are you two even saying? Let’s go back. I’m hungry.”

“Exactly!” Ten said, excitedly. “You were hungry and you gave your share to Yuta like it was nothing. You were groaning and crying about how you were going to devour everything the second it lands on the table. You don’t even share food with us when you’re hungry.”

“That’s because Yuta hyung is a lovely person unlike you two,” Winwin said, trying his best to squirm out of the situation.

“Oh so Yuta hyung is a lovely person now,” Jaehyun said, eyes twinkling. He turned to Ten. “He totally likes him.”

“When did I say that?”

Ten nodded. “When was the last time Winwin complimented anyone?”

Jaehyun hugged him. “Congratulations. We can all mope together about a 95 liner now.”

Ten cheered. “You’re now truly a part of the golden trio.”

Winwin tried to appear nonchalant still. He was never one to display his emotions openly. Besides, this was something he hadn’t confronted openly even himself. There were so many variables that he had to consider and then there was the question of Yuta himself. He wasn’t going to say anything if Yuta didn’t have any feelings for him. That would be so embarrassing, he thought. So, he squared up his shoulders and hugged his friends back.

“Wow, I have two busybodies for my best friends. Thank you for your concern but I’m hungry. Let’s go back and see if the others have left anything for us. C’mon, kids.”

Jaehyun and Ten exchanged speculative looks but followed him.

Winwin could hear them whispering.

“He totally likes him, right?” Ten said, in a low voice.

“There’s no doubt about it.”

“It was the food-sharing that did it.”

“He’s blushing now, look!”

He ignored their snickering and sat down, looking around for food.

Yuta exchanged their plates silently swapping Winwin’s empty one with his own, listening to Johnny talk animatedly.

“I—You needn’t—Yuta…” He looked at the food, simultaneously bursting with adoration for the man beside him but also acutely aware of his two best friends who were giggling and elbowing each other.

Ten had to ask, of course. “Yuta, what do you think of our Winwinie?”

Yuta turned and suddenly Winwin was totally under Yuta’s intense gaze as the latter studied his face seriously. Then, almost as if the moment had never happened, Yuta smiled at Ten. “He’s a lovely person, don’t you think?”

Maybe he had begun dancing while thinking about old times in his favourite park because the scenery swung around him when he realized his bearings once again. He breathed deeply and took another twirl easily, humming to his favourite dance routine music that always calmed him down.

A flash of silver against the night caught his attention and he stopped.

He could hear his heart thumping as the figure approached him.

“Sicheng-ah, is that you?” the familiar voice called out.

He answered back with a question. “Yuta?”

Yuta walked up to him. “Hey.”

Winwin’s mind was a fuzz. Yuta’s lockscreen change, Yuta and Taeyong in the kitchen, Haechan’s prophecy, the memory, his own feelings, disappointment, surprise and his lovesick heart which had warmed up at the sight of Yuta. “What are you doing here?”

Yuta frowned, biting his lip as he searched for answer. “I came to call you for dinner…?”

“You could have called me.” He wanted to kick himself. It was all coming out wrong.

“I did. You didn’t pick up.”

Winwin fished out his phone from his pocket and realized, sheepishly, that it was on silent. 10 missed calls. 2 from Taeyong, 2 from Jaehyun, 3 from Yuta and 1 from Haechan. “Sorry, I didn’t realize it was on silent.” It was past ten. They must have been so worried.

“It’s okay, let’s go,” Yuta said, smiling at him.

They fell in step together, walking home in silence. Winwin had no idea what Yuta was thinking but he hated how calm Yuta looked, how Yuta had smiled at him instead of shouting at him or just doing anything but this. Did Yuta care? How was he supposed to know if he never said anything? He looked at the distance between their hands. Mere centimetres. If he stretched his fingers, he could hold his hand. He wondered how it would feel. He hated how calmly Yuta was looking ahead, oblivious to all that was going through his head. Would Yuta pull away? He moved his fingers in the general direction tentatively.

“Winwin-ah, are you okay?” Yuta asked in a low voice.

If Winwin wanted he could just pretend to not have heard him but he did and the sudden question chased the distance between their hands to its original space. “Yes,” he answered, unsure as to what Yuta was referring to.

“I know I shouldn’t pry but take care of yourself. I know it’s getting busy these days but remember you’re important and you deserve rest too. If it gets too much, I’m here, okay? You can talk to me.” Yuta reached up to Winwin’s head and patted his hair softly.

Winwin shied away. “I’m not a kid anymore. You should stop worrying about me.”

Yuta drew back his hand, looking ahead once again. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like it when people interfere in your business.”

Fuck, Winwin cursed mentally. “Yuta, I—I didn’t mean it that way. I just mean...I…I wish you didn’t think of me as a kid.”

Yuta looked at him and again, Winwin was reminded of how beautiful Yuta’s eyes were. It was as if he was falling into them, as if they were searching for something; he wanted answers too. Yuta must have understood something because he tilted his head to one side. “Winwin, I don’t think of you as a kid.”

They were at the dorm door now but Winwin mustered up all of his courage to ask first, “Then what do you think of me?”

Chapter Text

Taeil looked around at the dinner table. “Where is everyone?” He noticed Haechan shift uncomfortably.

Mark glared in his direction. “Haechan did some Ouija stuff with Winwin hyung and scared him off. Yuta hyung has gone to find him.”

Taeyong patted Haechan’s back. “Don’t worry. He’ll be home soon.”

Jaehyun tried to change the topic. “And Jungwoo went back to meet Lucas. Something about Lucas having lost his passport once again.”

“It’s probably just a ruse to ask Jungwoo out on a date though,” Johnny said, sitting at the table. “Lucas called me earlier for tips. They all grow up so fast.” He looked into the distance, wiping a fake tear. “By the way, where’s Doyoung?”

Mark piped up. “Oh, he left for the Dreamies dorm. Probably went to check on the kids and help with dinner.”

Taeil wasn’t listening though. He got up suddenly. “I’m craving some ramen. Anyone want anything from the convenience store? No? Okay, I’ll be back soon.”

“What happened to him?” Mark asked, frowning.

“He wanted some ramen, Mark,” Haechan deadpanned.

Across the table Johnny and Taeyong passed each other worried looks.

Outside, Taeil let out a breath. He hadn’t even realized he had been holding it in. He began to walk in the direction of his favourite convenience store but his mind was a bundle of thoughts. He wished he hadn’t asked where Winwin was—okay, yes, he had asked where everyone else was but even he knew what he was really asking. He was so irritated by how his brain immediately looked for Winwin. It was just supposed to be a stupid little crush that would go away with time but here he was feeling despondent not at the fact that Winwin wasn’t there for dinner but that Winwin and Yuta weren’t there for dinner. It was this kind of thought that made him both embarrassed and dislike himself. He wasn’t this petty ever but then he hadn’t ever had a crush before too.

What if, just like Lucas, Winwin had cooked up a ruse so that Yuta would follow him and they could go on a date then? He shook his head. Stop thinking about them. Stop thinking about him. 

It was when the employee at the counter looked up that he realized that the staff had changed. Ahjumma—Mrs. Kim, as he had been told by the new employee—had left without notice. The new employee—what was his name—knew who Taeil was or at least in the first and last meeting Taeil had had with him, he had given him a face-mask to protect himself against stalkers.

Taeil didn’t like to be recognized outside schedule so he had told himself not to come here again. It was unfair to the employee who had not only saved him from choking to death but also been nothing but respectful towards him. Probably he wouldn’t even remember him.

The employee’s eyes lit up when he saw Taeil. He waved at him. “Welcome, Mr. Customer. What can I get for you today?”

Yeah, well, the employee didn’t know he was, Taeil guessed. The enthusiasm must just be for having quelled his boredom in this usually empty convenience store. Taeil felt even more miserable somehow.

But the employee pointed to his favourite ramen. “This one, right?”

“Yes, I-I’m sorry I forgot your name,” Taeil stammered.

The employee tapped his badge. “Azhar. Nice to meet you again.”

Taeil groaned at himself mentally. He could have just read it off his badge instead of asking. What was happening to him? He nodded awkwardly and made his way to the windows to sit and eat his cup ramen.

Azhar appeared by his side to place a glass of water next to him. Okay, so he definitely remembered Taeil from last time and the choking episode.

“Thank you,” Taeil said. He didn’t know what compelled him to add, “That’s a nice name you’ve got.”

“Thank you.” Azhar smiled brightly. “I got it for my birthday.”

Taeil stared at him and Azhar stared back. They both burst out laughing.

“Oh my god, that was horrible. I’m so sorry. I read it somewhere online,” Azhar said, still laughing.

“Wait, I got one for you. What do you call a can opener that does not work?” Taeil asked.

They looked at each other and then said, simultaneously. “A can’t opener.”

Azhar clutched at his side, laughing. “Fuck, you’re hilarious.” He put a hand over his mouth quickly. “Shit, I didn’t mean to swear. Oh no, I did it again. Shit. Sorry. Sorry.”

Taeil snorted. “It’s alright. Chill. I’m going to choke on these noodles again if you keep it up.”

“I know, I know. Sorry. You have a great sense of humour though,” Azhar said, giggling. “I’ll let you eat. Have a good meal.”

Taeil stopped him. “Have some?” He offered the fork to him.

Azhar looked at it dubiously. “I’ll pass. Thanks.”

“You haven’t tried it before?”

Azhar took the cup tentatively and sniffed. “I don’t eat this flavour.”

“You’re missing out,” Taeil said, horrified. “It’s my favourite.”

Azhar tried a bite and he chewed on the noodles like a Masterchef judge. “It’s nice. A bit bland for my taste. Have you tried the Extreme Spice flavour?”

“Nothing beats this, I’m sure, Azhar.”

“Wait,” Azhar said, disappearing towards the shelves and then re-emerging with a cup of ramen. He set it before Taeil. “Here you go. My treat.”

As they waited for the ramen to be ready, Taeil asked. “You’re not from around here?”

“I’m from India. I came here to study at the uni. My roommate works a shift here and he told me there was a vacancy.”

“Woah, you’re from India!” Taeil said. He caught himself before he could ask anything else. “I’m sorry. Where are my manners? I’m Taeil. I—”

“Moon Taeil, vocalist of the century. I know you, dude,” Azhar said.

Taeil flushed at the praise. “That’s a bit…”

Azhar waved a hand, offering him the ramen. “Just facts. I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable though.”

Taeil shook his head and took a sip of the soup and his ears turned red. He coughed. “That’s too hot. Fuck, I need more water. Never mind, I need a Pepsi.”

Azhar blinked and then rushed off to get him a can.

Somewhere between the second ramen and the third round of bad coffee, Taeil remembered why he was here in the first place. He listened to Azhar telling him about uni work and bit his lip.

“You’re a psychology major, right?”

Azhar nodded.

“I need your help. I—There’s a friend of mine. He has a problem,” Taeil began. And then because he was so scared that he would never be able to say it aloud to anyone, he went on. “So, there’s this beautiful, talented boy that…my friend likes. I think it’s a full-fledged crush now. But the other boy, he has someone else. I mean, there’s someone else in this scenario, okay? I’m not sure if the boy likes that someone else yet but they’re close and between the two sometimes I feel that the boy likes him more than, you know, more than my friend.”

Azhar looked confused. “Can you repeat? I’m—”

“Oh, look at the time! It’s ten. Gotta rush back,” Taeil said, feeling shy and embarrassed.

“Wait, this is clearly important. We should talk.”

“No! I mean, I’ll come back again. How much is my bill?” Taeil said, rushing to the counter.

It took a lot of coaxing to get the bill because Azhar wanted to treat him to everything but Taeil was firm.

“Fine but you’re not paying for my ramen. Also,” Azhar said, handing him the receipt, “if you can’t talk to me about it, you should talk to your friends. Someone, anyone, but don’t keep it all bottled inside, okay?”

Taeil tried to protest.

“Liking someone is not a crime, Taeil.”

“But I am so confused.”

“Then come back again and we’ll figure it out for you. Even though, I’m warning you, my semester just started and I know nothing but I’ve been told I give great advice.”

“Don’t tell anyone I have an unrequited crush,” Taeil whispered.

“Don’t be paranoid. We’re friends now.” Azhar walked him to the glass door and at the last second somewhat shyly, handed him a paper bag with chocolate buns.

“What’s this? A goodbye gift for me?” Taeil smirked. “I’m overstuffed.”

“Uh, it’s…uh, its, for, uh…I don’t know, you could give it to Doyoung, maybe? But don’t say it’s from me. A stranger. How awkward. Ugh. A fan. Give it back. I’m regretting it already.”

Taeil looked at him shrewdly. “You like Doyoung. Oh my God!”

“Shut up. He’s my bias.” Azhar’s cheeks were bright red now.

“I’m so glad I know your secret too,” Taeil said, waving at him as Azhar sent a string of expletives his way.

He was smiling as he walked towards the dorm, only stopping when he saw two familiar people standing outside the door. “Oh?” He wondered if they had got locked out and everyone else was asleep. That had happened to Taeyong once.

He had no idea what was happening. Later he would wonder what if he had known.

It was indeed Yuta and Winwin but they stood on the question mark of a sentence that could change everything.

When Yuta had said, “Winwin, I don’t think of you as a kid,” he hadn’t known it would bring him to this. They were at the dorm door now and he had thought they would go up to their room and maybe he would suggest some anime while Winwin ate but all the easygoing plans went out of the window when Winwin straight up asked, “Then what do you think of me?”

Winwin was looking at him intensely but Yuta had no idea if the Chinese boy was angry or just serious. But he knew this question was important. He had often thought how he would tell Winwin and his courage had always failed him. There were too many variables and the biggest of them was this person standing in front of him but for once, there seemed a sliver of hope.

He swallowed nervously. He wanted to choose his best words for this. Should he just say, Winwin, you are the one I love?

Something passed over Winwin’s features and once again, Yuta was scared. He could feel himself drawing back. What if Winwin was asking this out of some sort of annoyance? What if he had caught on to Yuta’s feelings and he didn’t like it? Right now, he looked intimidating, as if anything could go wrong.

But he wanted to tell him. Just this once. He would apologize if Winwin didn’t want his affection but he wanted to tell him now that he had asked.

So, he calmed himself mentally and began, “Winwin, you’re the o—”

“Yuta! Winwin! Did you get locked out?” Taeil’s voice startled both of them. “Winwinnie, did you get something to eat or does my love keep you well-fed?”

Winwin sighed in annoyance and Yuta drew back seeing his reaction.

Taeil was walking towards them, well within earshot now.

Winwin quirked an eyebrow at Yuta.

Taeil stopped beside them. “Don’t you two have a spare key?”

Winwin hadn’t looked away from Yuta, addressing him completely. “Whatever. I don’t really care. I’m going to sleep.” He turned the door knob and walked into the dorm without looking back this time.

“What’s up with him? Still stressed because of the upcoming debut?” Taeil asked Yuta. “Is it just me or is he snarkier than usual these days?”

When Yuta didn’t respond, he waved a hand in front of him. “Hello, earth to Yuta!”

Yuta blinked. His throat was dry as he responded. “Uh, what? Sorry, I-I must have…spaced out.”

“Let’s go in. I think you’re sleepy,” Taeil said, patting his back.

Yuta nodded but said, “I was actually just heading out for a quick run. I’ll be back soon.” He needed to clear his head because the way it was currently echoing Whatever, I don’t really care in a steady dull thudding, he would scream or start crying.

The door opened and Taeyong stood there. “C’mon, you two. Dinner is getting cold and the kids haven’t eaten yet because they were waiting for you all. Come inside.”

Yuta clenched his teeth and walked in. Taeil sensed something and reached forward to ask Yuta what had happened but Taeyong and Johnny were seating everyone strictly. Even Winwin was sitting fuming at the table.

It was a quiet dinner and everyone excused themselves quickly disappearing into their bedrooms, tired from their respective schedules. Everyone except Yuta, who had subtly stayed back in the living room, citing calls as the reason. He had always found the couch comfy enough.

In his bedroom, Winwin twisted and turned, unable to sleep. Subconsciously, he was waiting for his roommate to come to the room but it was now two-thirty in the night and while Taeil was asleep, Yuta’s bed was empty. Underneath the hurt and disappointment he was feeling, he wondered if it was because of his question. He got up with a sigh, not really understanding why he cared but told himself he would scold Yuta as much as Yuta always scolded him for turning up late.

He tip-toed silently to the living room and drew himself back as he heard the low voice of someone talking on his mobile phone. He knew the voice, of course. It was Yuta.

He tried to catch the words, craning his neck to listen.

“I’m really missing you right now…Everything is a mess…Yes, it is. You don’t know how bad it is. I could really use some of your calm right now…No, I know you’re busy, I’m just saying…I wish you were here and things were better and that—…Well, I wish a lot of things…Shut up, aren’t you tired?...”

Winwin drew back, stunned. He walked back to his room in a daze. He tried to piece together all that he had heard. He was still sitting when he heard steps near their bedroom door that prompted him to pull the covers over himself and pretend to sleep. He hardly slept that night. 

Chapter Text

“Dong Sicheng, your biggest competition is about to come.”

Winwin twisted and turned in his bed.

He was lost in a maze that was a zoo and everywhere he went someone was chasing him. There were lights on him, he was on a stage and the audience were chanting. They all sounded like Haechan. His face was wet and the floor was heavy around his legs. He tried to run away but he was in a swamp, sinking slowly.

Haechan appeared before him just as he was neck-deep in the swamp. Only he morphed into Yuta who was crying and then Taeil who was crying and then Haechan who said, “Dong Sicheng, your biggest competition is coming.” Then their manager, “Hello? Where were you for our debut? You’re late. The debut was two hours ago. You missed it.” Kun was crying now.

Then Yuta shouting his name.

He opened his eyes and swallowed, disoriented and the ceiling of his bedroom swimming before his eyes. He sat up quickly, relief flooding through his veins after realizing it had all been a dream.

“Winwin, are you okay?”

He looked up at Yuta who had woken him up. Yuta’s hand was cool against his sweaty, warm forehead. Suddenly Winwin realized he was shirtless in bed and Yuta was too close. That and images from last night cleared away the remnants of the dream from his mind. He pushed Yuta’s hand away slowly.

He was red when he answered, “Just a dream. I’m okay.”

Yuta nodded.

The front door bell rang across the dorm and Winwin was experiencing the change in Yuta’s facial expression first-hand. Yuta had begun to wear a tired expression lately, as if he was clenching everything inside his chest. And suddenly Yuta’s face looked as if the sun had shined suddenly from beyond the clouds. He smiled, looking in the direction of the sound, and without a word practically ran out of the room leaving Winwin in middle of what could have been a conversation.

Winwin frowned and pulling on a t-shirt quickly followed him, wondering what was up with his roommate (had he ordered something?). The living room was in an uproar. He caught sight of Johnny, Taeyong and Taeil just chatting loudly and laughing in a circle and at the center, with Yuta laughing and clinging on to his arms, stood Hansol.

He felt Haechan and Mark run past him and hug the tall boy who was smiling so warmly at everyone. How-have-you-beens were exchanged and Doyoung was telling everyone to at least let the poor guy have a seat first while Johnny was phoning Ten to come over. Everything was perfect.

When Haechan had told Winwin his biggest competition was coming, Winwin’s first thought had been that Haechan and the Ouija board were a load of bull. His second thought at a weaker instant had been that it had to be a Chinese group that could affect WayV’s debut. Nowhere had it occurred to him that it could be a person who could walk into his life and cause something even remotely akin to the disaster that he was feeling at the sight of Yuta practically glued to that person.

He greeted Hansol who hugged him and asked how things were. Winwin was on auto-pilot. He gave all the correct replies, hoping they didn’t sound as thick to the others’ ears as the words felt on his tongue. His eyes never left Yuta, Yuta who was smiling uncontrollably, who was talking as loudly as Haechan, whose eyes were shining and whose gaze never left Hansol.

In his most pathetic moments, Winwin had felt a twinge of jealousy at the way Yuta was so comfortable with Taeyong and Johnny but he had always known that they were all close friends. He had often even laughed at Jaehyun who used to get jealous when Taeyong spent time with Jonghyun or Seungcheol. He hadn’t thought he would ever “stoop to that level, Jaehyun” but right now, he felt like he could crawl into a little hole and cry.

Sure, there had never been any relationship of that sort between Yuta and himself but right now he felt so replaced. It was only then that he realized something.

Despite all his doubts and insecurities, Yuta did behave special with him. He closed his eyes and he could picture it. Yuta woke him up most days in the softest voice, he always did Winwin’s laundry when he was doing his own, he helped Winwin with Korean without ever expecting anything in return, he tried to learn Chinese for him, he cheered him on for all his performances as well as for WayV, he calmed him down whenever he was nervous, he always knew if something was off, he never held a grudge when they argued, he always asked him if he ate and took him out for food, he told him to sleep and sometimes he nagged awfully but right now, Winwin, who was hit with this flood of a realization, missed even that.

He looked at his group of friends and everything was the same as it always was at breakfast. Everyone was behaving the same. Hansol didn’t even stick out as he explained, “I had a day off and I just had to come over to see you all. It’s been ages since we met for a meal. Oh right, wait, I brought cake and ice-cream.”

Winwin had always liked Hansol hyung who was kind and caring and he knew nothing had changed in Hansol either.

He knew what had changed. He stared at Yuta who was sitting opposite him, conversing nineteen a dozen with Hansol. Winwin was, extraordinarily today, invisible to Yuta. And it hurt to realize that.

He ate his breakfast mournfully ignoring Jaehyun’s concerned but knowing looks. All he could do was stare openly at Yuta. Thanks to this, he was able to spot when Yuta’s plate was empty. He placed toast on it and nearly cried out in frustration when Yuta didn’t even glance in his direction.

He cited practice as his excuse before retreating to his room from where he emerged in record time to announce he was leaving.

Ten turned to Johnny. “What practice? I was pretty sure all of WayV had a free schedule today.”

“It’s probably some solo stuff, then.”

It was only afterwards that Yuta and Hansol found themselves alone in Yuta’s room.

“So…” Hansol started.

Yuta hugged him affectionately. “I can’t believe you actually came. Thank you for coming.”

Hansol rolled his eyes. “My best friend keeps destroying my beauty sleep every night. I knew I had to come.”

“Aren’t you really busy right now? I’m sorry for troubling you so much that you had to come on a hard-earned holiday.” Yuta said, looking guilty.

“Oi, stop being so formal.” Hansol punched his shoulder playfully.

Yuta brightened up. “But I’m really happy you came. I feel like everything is going to be fine now.”

“Of course, it is. Tell me everything and we’ll figure out a foolproof plan for you.”

“You remember how I was going to tell him after practice that day?” Yuta said, his smile fading.

Yuta watched as the members began to leave from the practice room. His left foot was tapping continuously. Okay, he would tell him. He took a deep breath.

He opened his mouth.

“Yo, Yuta hyung, are you coming? We’re going to get pizza,” Mark said, Haechan already tugging at his sleeve.

“I, uh, I guess not really,” Yuta said, laughing awkwardly. “You go on.”

It was now just Winwin and Johnny in the practice room. He waited wondering if he would be able to catch Winwin in the room last or he would have to follow him outside.

Johnny went on practicing and with a quick nod in his direction, Winwin finished packing his bag and went out.

“Don’t overdo it,” Yuta called out quickly to Johnny before following him outside.

He caught sight of Winwin near the elevator. “Winwin-ah.”

The latter turned around at hearing his name and raised an eyebrow. “Yuta hyung.”

“Hey, uh, well,” Yuta wanted to curse himself for being so nervous, “I was wondering…uh, are you hungry?” He cringed internally. He was so bad at this. Despite telling himself that the worse that could happen after his confession was that Winwin would reject him and cut off ties with him only for Yuta to die single and regretful in old age, he was feeling all of his little bravery ebbing away.

Winwin frowned. “Why?”

“We could grab a pizza,” Yuta offered with a quick smile. Please say yes, please say yes.

“You should have gone with Mark and Haechan then. Should I call them? I’m sure you could catch them if you made a run for it.”

Yuta sighed. “Ah, I meant pasta? Noodles? We could get some dessert too? I don’t know. You pick.”

“I’m not really hungry.”

“A walk, then?” Yuta was getting desperate. He had plans and they were all coming to nought.

It was Winwin’s turn to sigh now. “Some other day. I’m just going to turn in.”

“C’mon, we both know you’re going to stay up late playing games anyway. Let’s goooo.” Yuta looked down. “I have something to tell you.”

Winwin looked at him suspiciously. “What is it?”

“It’s—I’ll tell you over dinner. It’s something we need to talk over. C’mon, please, please?”

The elevator opened. Winwin ducked his head, ignoring Yuta, and walked inside. He punched a button. “Please take the next one. I’d like to be alone.”

Yuta stood gaping at him. He let the elevator go.

He told himself, despite being utterly confused by the curt behaviour, that it was okay. He told himself he had to walk away from the elevator before someone saw him break down. He told himself he would let go, that this was it with Winwin, that this was the final hint he had been waiting for, that this was a sinking ship and he had to swim away.

He was trudging down the stairs intent on taking the long way down so that he wouldn’t have to see any of his members. He stopped and sat on the stairs after a floor. I’m okay, this is fine, he told himself, wiping a stray tear. I should be happy I didn’t get to make a fool of myself by telling him I like him. This was disaster averted.

Then why did it hurt so much?

He needed to distract himself. He called Hansol. It went to voice mail.

He called Taeyong. It went to voice mail.

He called Johnny. It went to voice mail.

His message inbox was empty except for a message from their manager, “Hey, I’m scheduling a VLIVE of you and Winwin. Is Friday okay? Drag him along too, kiddo isn’t listening to me.”

Of course, he wouldn’t. Judging by what had just happened a VLIVE was one of the last things Winwin would agree to do with him.

He didn’t reply. Instead he stared at his phone until the screen lit up with a new message.

Taeyongie: hey, you called? *>*

I’m out with jaehyunie

Wanna join us for dinner?

Yuta: called you by mistake

Dw enjoy dinner

Taeyongie: I’m sending you the location

Come on :))

Yuta: I already ate

Don’t worry

I’m going to sleep, don’t disturb, okay?

Taeyongie: sure?

Lemme know if you change your mind

Until then, good night, Yuta-kun <3

It was all pretty hazy after that. He remembered buying some beer and weakly flinging empty cans at a caricature he had made on a fence (which suspiciously resembled an manga version of Winwin), he remembered being hauled by Johnny back to the dorm, remembered Johnny crying, remembered crying himself, remembered being sick in the bathroom, remembered Winwin appearing, watching a movie he wasn’t paying attention to and sleeping and dreaming, dreaming of soft hands caressing his hair, remembered telling himself with a smile, even within the dream, that it was a dream.

“The next morning,” Yuta told Hansol, “he behaved like nothing had happened. So, of course, I had to behave like nothing had happened either. Just goes to show how little he cares for me while I basically…”

“Yuta,” Hansol said, softly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

Yuta shook his head, telling him it was fine. “But get this, last night, out of the blue he asked me what I think of him? No warnings, no hints, nothing. I freaked out so bad” He put his head in his hands. “I’m such a coward. I wish I had Taeil hyung’s guts. He flirts so openly.”

“What did you tell him then?”

“Nothing. Long story short, I think he still hates me but was just checking to make sure.”

Hansol made a face. “First of all, Winwinie doesn’t hate you or anyone else. He’s a softie. Secondly, you’re going to give me stress if you behave like this. Just come clean like I told you. He deserves to know just like you deserve to say it. What happens next isn’t in your hands. But what can happen right now is.” He ignored Yuta’s alarmed expression. “Now, here’s what you are going to—” He broke off abruptly as the bedroom door opened.

When Winwin had returned home after his self-imposed exile from the dorm, he had decided he would head up to his room and just stay there until his feelings sorted themselves out. He would call Jaehyun and Ten and tell them everything over a tub of ice-cream and just ask for advice.

He let himself into the dorm which was quieter than usual with everyone probably resting on the day off. He climbed upstairs and opened his bedroom door. The sight in front of him did nothing but worsen the mess that were his feelings.

He watched as Yuta and Hansol broke off from whatever they were talking about and Winwin wasn’t a fool to not know that it was definitely about him. His thoughts went back to his question to Yuta last night and his face flamed with embarrassment at imagining both of them laughing at his expense.

“Oh, Winwinie. Hansol was just leaving. Come on in,” Yuta said in an overly bright voice. He got up from where he was sitting with Hansol, pulling him along too. “You’re late, right?” he asked pointedly.

Hansol looked between the two of them and nodded quickly. “Yeah, I’m leaving. No need to see me to the door. Goodbye, Yuta, Winwin.” He walked to the bedroom door. “Oh, Winwin-ah, I brought some cookies for you. They’re by your bed.” He got a glare from Yuta. “Alright, I’m off then.”

Winwin closed his eyes, steading his breath as the door closed leaving just Yuta and him in the room now.

“Why did you tell him to leave?” he said with gritted teeth, anger evident in his expression.

So, tonight was going to be it, a small voice whispered in his head. Everything had been building up to this. The night where they finally fought it out, the night that would destroy the fine balance they had both achieved by leaving everything unsaid, the night where they stopped pretending. He knew they would never be the same after this because this was where it ended, without ever having really begun. He wanted to take all of the hurt inside his heart and turn it into fuel for this night.

Chapter Text

Recap:

Winwin closed his eyes, steadying his breath as the door closed behind Hansol leaving just Yuta and Winwin in the room now.

“Why did you tell him to leave?” he said with gritted teeth, staring straight at Yuta, anger evident in his expression.

So, tonight was going to be it, a small voice whispered in his head. Everything had been building up to this. The night where they finally fought it out, the night that would destroy the fine balance they had both achieved by leaving everything unsaid, the night where they stopped pretending. He knew they would never be the same after this because this was where it ended, without ever having really begun. He wanted to take all of the hurt inside his heart and turn it into fuel for this night.

Chapter 7

Winwin closed his eyes, steading his breath as the door closed leaving just Yuta and him in the room now.

“Why did you tell him leave?” he said with gritted teeth, anger evident in his expression.

“It’s your room too. You’re tired from practice and would want to rest obviously. Besides, he had to leave anyway,” Yuta said, with a small shrug. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Oh, you expect me to believe that,” Winwin scoffed. “There’s no one else here. You needn’t pretend in front of me. There are no fans here, no managers, no reason for any fanservice.”

“What do you mean?” Yuta stared at him in shock.

“What do I mean?” Winwin scoffed. “I mean,” he stressed, angrily, every word punctuated by a step in Yuta’s direction. “I don’t want your YuWin bullshit. I don’t want to be a cute little cog in your fanservice. I don’t want you pretence. I don’t want your acting. So, stop. Just stop it.”

Yuta had never seen Winwin like this. He didn’t know how to react to every word that was hurled his way, every word that fell onto him like burning coals. He blinked, faltering back, his back against the wall. “Sicheng-ah,” he began.

“I don’t want to hear it. Whatever it is.”

Yuta let out a breath. “So, you get to say all that and I don’t even get to say a word?”

“With you, I can’t differentiate between fiction and reality. Every word out of your mouth sounds like a lie to me.”

“H-How can you say that?” Yuta looked as if he had been slapped. “You of all people…Wow, Winwin, you really…You could have just said no or even ignored. I wasn’t ever going to say a word, not after what happened last time. You really didn’t need to be this hurtful.”

Winwin looked at him, eyes dull with an ebbing rage. “Every day of your charade, you have hurt me. I don’t think you have the right to pin me as hurtful.”

They stood so close to each other that Yuta could feel Winwin’s breath on his face but he had never felt so far away from him. With a few words, Yuta’s world had turned upside down and all he could grasp at was a deafening silence. He tried to hide his shaking hands and broke Winwin’s gaze, looking down with a rueful smile. “Wow, you really hate me. I didn’t—” He sidestepped him, walking out of the room. It was with a broken heart that he said at the door, “It wasn’t a charade for me.”

He walked on auto-pilot to Taeyong’s room. His tongue felt like lead as he tried to keep his voice calm. “Can I sleep in your room tonight?”

Taeyong and Johnny had been playing ludo by the looks of it but they immediately put it aside.

“Don’t ask,” Yuta managed to mumble before lying down on the closest bed and turning towards the wall. There was a sob and then, more to himself than to them, “He thinks of me and him as a fanservice. A lie. A sham. I was so wrong to think he could like m—”

“Yuta,” Taeyong began.

“You can’t make it right today, Taeyong. Nothing can. Just…let me be. I want to sleep.”

There was silence and then, someone pulling a blanket over him. He screwed his eyes shut but Johnny’s voice was comforting. “It’s okay, I’ll exchange with you.” He kissed his head and suddenly Yuta missed his home more than ever. “We all love you. Good night for now.”

He heard the door close and he was grateful for that. He couldn’t explain anything right now, not when things didn’t make sense to him either. All he knew was that it hurt and he wanted to just lie under the covers until it didn’t.

He felt the bed dip behind him and someone was stroking his hair softly. It reminded him of home and being small and his mother and he began to cry.

“I’m here, I’m here,” Taeyong said, patting him softly. It hurt to see his friend suffer like this and he wished he could have done something more but all he could do at the moment was sit on the edge of the bed and comfort him as he cried.

When Johnny had walked out of his room, he had decided that it was time that he finally interfered in Yuta and Winwin’s relationship. He couldn’t see his friend hurt himself over and over, and especially this time, when it looked horribly serious. He had a good mind to find Winwin and ask him what was happening and maybe even offer some good advice.

But Winwin was already gone by the time Johnny reached his room.

Taeil walked into the room shortly after Johnny, with a huge smile plastered over his face as he was talking on the phone. “Yes, Azhar, I promise, I will give your little fanboy gift to Doyoung. Yes, I didn’t forget. He was with the Dreamies yesterday or I would have given then only. They’re in the fridge for now. Yes, I’m home now. I reached in one piece safely and you were totally stupid to worry so much. I used to make these grocery runs a lot before you got the job, okay? Are you going home too? Good. Sleep well so that you aren’t late for your classes tomorrow. Study well. Fine, meanie, good night. Bye.”

He was still smiling when he sat on his bed. “Oh, Johnny?” he exclaimed, on finally catching sight of Johnny. “Everything alright?”

Johnny looked at Taeil’s bright smile and nearly didn’t say it. Just like all the other times, everyone else never said anything because it was a mountain of a mess and whoever pulled at a thread would bring everything crashing down. “Taeil hyung, I…” Johnny didn’t know what to do. He took a deep breath. “I’m sleeping here tonight.”

“Oh? Winwin already moved in with WayV?” Taeil said, taking off his jacket.

“Wait, you knew?” Johnny asked.

“Yeah, he told me a few days ago.”

“And you’re okay with it?”

Taeil gave him a strange look. “I mean, I’ll miss him terribly, of course, but he is needed with WayV right now. Why would I not be okay with that?”

Johnny nodded slowly. Would Yuta respond the same way too? Should they have told him instead of waiting for Winwin to say it? Why hadn’t Winwin told Yuta?

Taeil continued. “By the way, that’s Yuta’s bed. If you’re planning on sleeping here, you should take the one by the window. Yuta hates changing beds. Also, did you and Taeyong have a fight or something? Not that I don’t want you here. I’m just curious.”

“Yuta and Winwin had a fight.”

Taeil stopped. “What?”

“Yuta is with Taeyong in our room. He’s really hurt and I have no idea where Winwin is.”

“What?” Taeil sat down. “I don’t understand. They were okay when I saw them in the morning.”

“Taeil hyung, they haven’t been really okay in a while. They hardly talk these days and I really thought you noticed it. You’re their roommate after all.”

Taeil opened and his closed his mouth. He had no idea. A small voice whispered in his head, really? Sure, Yuta was feeling a bit homesick—they had talked about that, right? And Winwin was stressed because of WayV’s debut. Of course, things were tense, right?

But was that all?

He thought hard on his roommates, not as separate people, but in relation to each other for the first time in a while. Like always that mere prospect had the ability to make his heart fall but he thought hard and the realization knocked the breath out of his lungs.

He thought of how Yuta looked at Winwin differently these days. As if, scared of breaking the silence, always a smile verging on sadness. He thought of how Winwin always seemed on edge around Yuta these days, as if caged in by a hopeless frustration. He thought of how he had bickered with Yuta when making breakfast for Winwin and quiet, soft-spoken Winwin had lost his temper. He thought of Yuta and Winwin standing outside their front door looking as if they would tear each other down and remembered making a joke to ease the tension. He remembered Winwin’s questioning glances directed at Yuta’s avoiding eyes. He remembered things he had seen but not thought through and he wondered how he hadn’t realized all this sooner. His shoulders sagged a bit.

“I wish Winwin hadn’t said it was all for fanservice for him. There are kinder ways to reject someone. Where did he even get that idea from?”

Taeil was about to shrug when he remembered something.

“Ah, Winwin-ah, you should really show me some affection too. The fans didn’t even vote for me on the ship poll! I feel like a failed lover,” Taeil mock-cried, showing him his phone.

Winwin looked at the results of the poll Doyoung had posted on twitter. He read, 48% for Yuta as Czennies’s choice for Winwin.

“They really chose Yuta for you, huh? I feel betrayed,” Taeil continued. “Oi, Yuta, did you see the results of the poll?”

Yuta looked up from across the room with a small smile. “Of course. It’s nothing really. Don’t feel bad about it.”

Winwin muttered something beside him and Taeil had to ask him to repeat it.

Instead Winwin asked him, “Why is it nothing for him? Hyung, why does he do all this?”

Taeil frowned. “What do you mean?”

Winwin’s frankness caught him off guard. “Tell me, do you think Yuta hyung has ever liked me? Or is it all just fanservice?”

Taeil felt like someone had torn out his heart and stamped all over it. He wanted to say, how can you ask from me? Don’t you know that I like you? How? His face heated up and he felt light-headed as he answered, his words hardly steady. “The fans are proof enough, don’t you think?”

“I want his opinion!”

His voice was harsh when he replied, “Why don’t you ask him then?”

He got up before Winwin could see his eyes reddening. He was nearly out of earshot when Winwin mumbled, or maybe he imagined it, “I’m scared of what the answer will be.”

Taeil looked at Johnny’s worried face and Winwin’s empty bed and nearly forgot how to breathe.

In primary school, the boy he used to sit with had told him a story about how a small snowball thrown on the slope of a mountain, falls gaining momentum and adds more and more snow to itself regardless of the thrower’s intention and becomes huge and huge until it swallows the world. This memory flashed across his mind for no reason. He couldn’t remember the boy’s name.

Was he, in some way, even a little bit, responsible for this? He couldn’t have known. How could he have known then? He swallowed and reached for his jacket again. “I’m sorry, Johnny. I uh…I remembered something. Don’t wait up for me.”

“Taeil?”

He heard Johnny call after him but he didn’t turn back. By the time he was out, he was already on his phone. “Azhar, I need your help. I’ve messed up.”

Somewhere in the city, a groggy Azhar replied, “Taeil? Are you okay? Why are you crying? Tell me where you are. I’ll come get you.”

Chapter Text

“Hello, Ten?” Jaehyun’s voice was low through the phone. “Is Winwin with you all because—”

“Yes, he’s here,” Ten whispered into the phone. “He came just a few minutes ago looking like Count Dracula and damn what the hell happened? He’s locked himself in Kun’s room and we’re all clamouring outside. All we’ve got is I want to sleep, I hate you all.”

“Yuta and him happened, that’s what. Haechan and I were just playing Fornite and Johnny came all frantic into our room because apparently Winwin is missing and Yuta is with Taeyong right now. Ten, he really needs to…”

“I know, but he hasn’t ever been really good at the whole talking-about-his-feelings kind of thing, right? But I don’t understand. Did Yuta say something wrong to him? After all this time I would have thought something good would happen if Yuta and him happened.”

Jaehyun said something to someone at his hand. “Wait a sec, Ten.”

Ten could hear people talking in the background and he recognized Johnny’s voice. The phone line crackled slightly and then, it was Johnny on the phone. “Ten, he’s there with you all?”

“Yes, yes, he is here.”

“Phew, thank god. I’ve been so worried. Taeil’s run off somewhere too and Taeyong is taking care of Yuta. I nearly called the police.”

“Johnny, love, breathe. It’s okay. Winwin is here and we’ll figure it out at our end. You take care of Yuta and Taeil probably will be home soon…wait, Doyoung says Taeil has made a sketchy friend at the grocery store and he’s for sure with him, eating some free ramen.”

“Oh, I hope that’s true. Does he—wait, what’s Doyoung doing there?”

“Okay, so I was going to keep this for later but you won’t believe Doyoung and Kun were in the same room when Winwin came and it was so—ow, ow, Doyoung stop hitting me. Johnny, Doyoung says he’s going to get Taeil so you don’t have to worry. I’m going to have to go now because both of them are shouting at me.”

Johnny sat back with a sigh of relief. “I really didn’t sign up for this.”

-

Kun looked at his bedroom door and sighed. “I really didn’t sign up for this.” He knocked on the door. “Alright, Sicheng, you have to open the door now. More than thirty minutes of sulking just gets embarrassing later, believe me, I know.” He gestured to Ten and the Dreamies to go their respective rooms.

Doyoung, meanwhile, gave him an awkward wave before leaving through the front door.

Kun tried again to get Winwin to answer. “You don’t need to talk but you can listen, right? Please? I went through a really bad break-up and parts of it made to stan twitter, Doyoung even got pulled up by management because of it…my point is, you can’t be having a more embarrassing time than me.”

He heard a small laugh. The door opened slightly and Winwin looked around suspiciously. “Okay, the Doyoung part was funny.”

Kun made a face. “I feel indebted to him for life. And I can’t look him in the eye!”

Winwin let the door stay slightly open as he disappeared back into the room.

Kun followed a bit tentatively. “I can’t believe you locked me out my own room,” he said with humour.

“You’re going to move out soon to the WayV dorm too. Jisung said this room belongs to him now,” Winwin replied, flopping into the bed easily.

“He wishes,” Kun said, scrunching his nose. “I will organise a small Hunger Games for earning this room. Nothing less. I papered the walls myself, you know?”

Winwin watched him as he sat beside him on the bed. His voice was soft with understanding. “You’re going to miss this place.”

“A lot happened in my life while here,” Kun almost whispered.

Winwin groaned. “Please don’t tell me you brought your ex here!”

Kun looked scandalized. “Sicheng! There are kids here. I would never.” A pause. “I went to his place.”

There was silence and, then, they both started laughing.

“But I am so excited about our dorm. Our unit. Us,” Kun finally said, his eyes shining with pride and happiness. “Sometimes, I can’t sleep thinking about it.”

Winwin was about to throw in a joke but instead he found himself saying, “When I think about WayV, and us, all of the members, I feel this—I don’t know—an inexplicable amount of energy. Like I could do anything.”

Kun bumped their shoulders. “Because you can. And I’m so proud of you. Everyone is.”

“Not everyone.” Winwin scoffed.

Kun disagreed. “Everyone.”

Winwin put his face in his hands and groaned. “I was horrible to him today.” He clutched at Kun’s arm. “Do you think I should go back and apologise to him?” He got up quickly. “I think I should. Thanks, Kun, great talk. Bye!”

“Hey, hey.” Kun tried to him. “What are you doing?”

But Winwin was already opening the bedroom door in a rush to leave.

He came face to face with Ten.

“It’s not what it looks like,” Ten said sheepishly.

Winwin gave him a look. “So you were not eavesdropping?”

“Okay, fine, I was,” Ten said. “But you both excluded me from the heart-to-heart and I’m the best friend.”

“No, you and Jaehyun are nosy friends,” Winwin said, grinning. “Kun is the best, most intelligent friend I have. And he already helped. I’m going to apologise to Yuta and everything will be okay.”

Kun quickly said, “He decided everything on his own, Ten.”

Ten frowned. “You’re going to apologise for telling Yuta that it was all fanservice for you?”

Winwin stopped in his tracks.

“Yeah, Johnny told me.” Ten shook his head. “What are you doing? You like Yuta. Why are you hurting him?”

“Oh my god, does he need to tell everyone everything? We had argument, sure, but that doesn’t mean he can just go and bitch about me to Johnny. You know what, I’m a fool for thinking of apologising to him just so the friendship survives. Nope, I should in fact get an apology from here.”

“He’s not bitching about you to anyone. He’s hurt and he’s talking about his feeling probably.” Ten took a deep breath. “Winwin, my darling friend, talking about feelings is not bad.”

“No, Ten,” Winwin said, almost angrily, “having feelings is bad.”

“Sicheng! Don’t say that,” Kun said.

“It’s true. You both deny it because, well, Ten has Johnny and you have Doyoung. Oh yes, don’t deny it. Everyone can see the poor guy is head over heels for you. I can’t be like that. Silently adoring from the sidelines while being politely put in place.”

Kun’s face was flaming red. “He’s a really nice person. Stop painting it like something else.”

“That’s probably what Yuta would say if you told him I like him. See? How pathetic is that!” He glared at Ten next. “And no, Ten, I wasn’t going to apologise for calling out Yuta. I was…I was just going to apologise for airing my fucking feelings in the first place. Because like the fool I am, I still care that he might feel uncomfortable! Oh God, I’m such a fool!”

Ten pulled him into a hug. “Hey, it’s okay.”

Winwin mumbled something against his shoulder but returned his hug.

“Aww,” Kun couldn’t help but hug them together. “I love the sudden affection instead of…you know, the other thing, but can someone tell me what’s going on? This seems bigger than just an argument?”

It took a few more mini arguments, a packet of Pringles, very sweet tea and one warm blanket, to wrangle everything out of Winwin.

He didn’t know exactly when it had begun, when everything began to seem like a very well-rehearsed drama being enacted from a set manuscript, but he could vaguely remember how the staff began to encourage Yuta and him to interact more in front of the camera, to not be ‘professional’ but be themselves, just as they were behind scenes. Yuta was a natural at being affectionate and he already adored Winwin. For him, it seemed so easy. The fans loved it.

Yuta and Winwin became a famous ‘ship’.

Winwin was no natural. He was awkward at being ‘romantic’, found it embarrassing, and found himself blushing at the camera.

The fans found it cute.

Winwin found it cute that he had a whole cheer team for his increasing feelings towards Yuta. Sometimes, just sometimes, he would find the courage to reciprocate in front of the camera. It was a nice change.

Yuta didn’t change, he was always the same. Kind, caring and, as Winwin allowed himself to believe those days, loving.

Looking back, Winwin couldn’t help but wish he hadn’t misread everything so badly. Then, reality wouldn’t have hurt so much.

Because that’s what it did.

One day, one of the managers pulled him aside. “Hey, could you be more open with…you know…more friendly towards Yuta? The fans love it!” He winked.

Winwin felt something cold clutch at him. “What do you mean?”

“Oh you know…increase the YuWin fanservice? I know you’re trying but we need some more cute moments! You both are stars and your fandom is waiting! You can do it, right?”

Fanservice. Winwin frowned. “Did you ask Yuta to do this too?”

The manager winked again. “Yuta is a professional. He doesn’t need prompting! Anyway, you understand what I’m asking, right?”

Winwin couldn’t do anything, in fact. The manager didn’t ask him again, probably thinking that he wasn’t ‘professional’ enough but Winwin had begun to analyse Yuta now.

Yuta said he saved his name in his phone as WINSaranghae. Which would have been nice. If it wasn’t said in a concert filled with phone cameras focussed on them. He muttered back, “You’re saved as Yuta hyung.” Like it was so casual for him.

At an awards ceremony, Yuta playfully poked his cheek calling him cute. Later, Winwin saw it replayed in a fancam of Haechan.

Doubt began to settle uncomfortably at the bottom of his stomach.

They went abroad and Yuta said, “I love you,” on live TV, and Winwin’s heart skipped a beat. As the fans cheered, he couldn’t stop himself from saying an “I love you too.”

Their manager backstage gave a thumbs-up as the cheers became louder and the camera panned on them. Winwin felt his smile waver, not even hearing the host’s next question.

Doubt became dread.

Yuta wrote I heart Winwin on a love lock on Namsan Tower and Winwin could replay it in his heart but so could everyone else on NCT Hot and Young Seoul Trip episodes.

He began to equate everything Yuta did to moments caught on camera.

Sitting between Yuta and Taeil during “Let’s Winwin” VLIVE, he had to summon Ten to distract himself from falling in love with Yuta because it was so damn difficult not to. Yuta was kind, so pretty and he had no concept of personal space. To be honest, neither him nor Taeil knew personal space, he thought sometimes.

But Taeil also helped remind him that this was all just fun and games.

Winwin remembered the results of the poll Doyoung had posted on twitter. 48% for Yuta as Czennies’s choice for Winwin.

“They really chose Yuta for you, huh? I feel betrayed,” Taeil had joked. “Oi, Yuta, did you see the results of the poll?”

Yuta had looked up from his phone so nonchalantly. “Of course. It’s nothing really. Don’t feel bad about it.”

Dread became despondency.

Winwin had turned to Taeil, “Why is it nothing for him? Hyung, why does he do all this?”

“What do you mean?” Taeil had asked.

In a spurt of desperation, Winwin had said, “Tell me, do you think Yuta hyung has ever liked me? Or is it all just fanservice?”

Even Taeil seemed to know. “The fans are proof enough, don’t you think?”

And yet a small still-hopeful part of Winwin hadn’t given up. He had held on.

Held on so desperately, and asked Yuta, right outside their dorm door, “…what do you think of me?”

He had waited so long, searching Yuta’s face for an answer.

Yuta, so eloquent, so confident, in front of the cameras, had struggled for words.

And Winwin had got nothing from him. His worst fears were confirmed. Yuta didn’t think much of him, after all.

“Oh, Winwin, how could you think that?” Ten asked.

Kun had a different question. “How have you been keeping so much to yourself, you poor kid?”

Winwin half-wailed. “Yuta thinks I’m a kid too!”

“He doesn’t. Look I’m sorry to say this, you’ve got it very, very wrong. I used to think you didn’t want to admit your feelings for him because you weren’t sure about them. Because as for Yuta, everyone knows he likes you!” Ten said.

“He’s tricked you all, don’t you see?” Winwin said. “He’s just so good at it!”

“You’ve managed to trick yourself.” Kun corrected him. “So you remember things that happened on camera but what about everything he’s said and done off camera? Everything that he’s done all these years? You think that was all fake? Or did you just forget all of it?”

“I…” Winwin’s voice trailed off.

Kun persisted. “Allow yourself to think.”

He didn’t want to think. He didn’t believe in the possibility of their being any alternative interpretation to these events. He had told himself not to hope. Had stopped looking for signs that could give him hope. Those were all tricks, right?

And yet…

Yuta introducing himself to him. Helping him. Sitting by him. Practicing with him. Buying him food. Watching TV with him. Laughing with him. Recording his dance practice. Practicing a script with him for when he wanted to take an acting audition. Hearing him sing in Korean, Chinese, English, Japanese…and smiling so fondly at him, eyes shining. Holding his hand when it trembled. Translating things almost naturally for him. Looking for him in a crowd. Making him feel so belonged. Letting him choose the menu. Sitting beside him. Smiling at him. So fond. So fond and so beautiful.

No cameras. No one else.

Just the two of them.

And something like hope blossomed so strongly in his chest that he felt half-dizzy with it.

“So…” he said slowly, not daring to look at Kun and Ten. “You think…I have a chance?”

Chapter Text

“You should sleep,” Yuta finally whispered to Taeyong.

Taeyong, who had been quietly rubbing Yuta’s back, tilted his head towards his friend. “Feel better?”

Yuta sat up. “Not really but I can’t have you sitting here all night.”

“Hey, night is my time to shine,” Taeyong said, proudly. He paused. “Want to watch a movie?”

Yuta thought for a moment. “Yeah, I’d like that. Am I picking?”

“Of course.” Taeyong smiled.

“Okay, pass me my phone, I have a whole list,” Yuta said, trying to smile back.

“Where is it?”

“I don’t know, I think I threw it somewhere around here when I came in,” Yuta said, sheepishly.

Taeyong looked around and found it easily on the bed. “Here. Now tell me what we’re watching.”

“Yeah, give me a—” Yuta stopped as he saw his lockscreen. It was a picture of Winwin smiling at the camera. He had taken it himself. It was probably his favourite photo in the world. He went to his gallery and deleted it quickly, changing his lockscreen to IwaOi fanart. He made a mental note to himself that from now on he would solely emotionally attach himself to fictional characters only. “Hey, Taeyong, if you ever see me with a Winwin lockscreen, could you take me aside and give me a nice kick to the shins?”

“What?”

“Uh, okay, um, where was I? Yeah, we’re watching Hotarubi no Mori e again,” he said quickly.

Taeyong set up Johnny’s projector and they settled down on the bed, stealing subtle glances at Yuta who seemed to be totally engrossed in the movie.

Yuta, however, was not engrossed in the movie. The hurt he felt had transformed into growing anger. At himself. At the hot tears that he could still feel imprints of on his face. Of having intruded on his friends. Of having run away and hidden in the safety of Taeyong’s presence. And, he was himself surprised at this, at Winwin.

Because here he was trying to distract himself by watching a movie he loved and now he found he couldn’t even enjoy it without thinking about Winwin because the guy had literally gone and dressed up as Gin from the movie on Halloween. To think that he had introduced Winwin to Gin! What was next? Would he dress up as Howl for the next party? And then Oikawa the one after? Might as well cosplay as Yuta’s whole watchlist and be done with it.

Winwin’s words came back to him. With you, I can’t differentiate between fiction and reality.

Wow, Yuta thought, I should have told him that he keeps doing that to me, in fact! Dressing up as Gin only to fight with me now. His ears were burning from embarrassment at having being called not only a liar but for all of feelings to be branded “YuWin” fanservice. Was it fanservice when you took care of me and watched 5 Centimeters per Second with me too, Winwin?

Sure, Winwin had been behaving oddly recently but Yuta had been so patient and so so accommodating. He had stopped being feelsy, even gone so far as to be totally platonic sensing that Winwin didn’t like his romantic advances. He had told himself that his feelings were his own business and he would deal with them on his own while being the supportive and caring friend that Winwin deserved.

And then to be called a charade! To be accused of lying and pretending by his crush himself…wow, talk about rejection of the century!

He took a deep breath, anger heating up his body in waves. “Where is Winwin right now?”

Taeyong who had dozed off, sat up quickly. “I’m awake, I’ve been watching…what?”

“I know you probably know where Winwin went to after banging the front door like that,” Yuta said, pointedly.

“No, actually…” Taeyong blinked very innocently. “I…I don’t know where he is. I’m sure he’s…”

Yuta lunged for Taeyong’s phone. “I saw you typing a lot, I know you and Johnny have been gossiping.”

“Okay, okay,” Taeyong rescued his phone. “I do know where he is. But Yuta…don’t go fight with him right now.” He looked miserable.

“I’m not going to fight with him,” Yuta said. “I am going to finish the argume—I mean, the civil conversation we were having. He didn’t give me a chance to shout—um, speak back.”

Taeyong gave him a look. “I know enough astrology to not let two Scorpio men have a shouting match when they both clearly need to cool down.”

Yuta opened his mouth and then closed it, a thought striking him. “Fine, but is he at Dreamies dorm? I hope he’s not roaming around or anger-dancing in the park.”

Taeyong’s frown softened. “No, he’s okay. Ten texted. He’s with Kun.”

Yuta nodded, a picture of calmness. “The movie is ending, we can sleep, I think. I’m tired.”

“Yes, yes, of course,” Taeyong said. “You’ll be okay?”

“I will be,” Yuta said, with a smile.

Taeyong lay down on his bed, feeling his back thank him for finally making it to bed. He had closed his eyes for the tiniest of minutes when he heard more than saw Yuta make a dash out of the room.

“Sorry, Taeyong!” And Yuta was gone, no doubt to confront Winwin now that Taeyong had got himself tricked into giving his location.

“Fucking Scorpio men,” Taeyong muttered and got up.

In defence of Yuta’s running speed, he did make it to the front door. He would have probably made it right out and fulfilled his mission. He was fully determined.

However, his plans hadn’t involved opening the front door to find Doyoung hauling in a very drunk Taeil who smiled at Yuta sweetly before promptly throwing up all over him and his plans.

-

Doyoung had made it to the grocery store pretty easily after leaving the Dreamies dorm. He hadn’t even worn the proper shoes for the cold night because he was confident he was going to find Taeil happily having ramen with his new friend. Honestly speaking, he was a bit suspicious of Taeil’s new friend. He scanned his chats with Taeil. Azhar, his name was? He was hoping he wouldn’t need to talk to a stranger.

Last time Taeil befriended a total stranger at the Han river and ended up losing his wallet. Before that, he had got scammed after joining a kdrama group chat by someone claiming to be Lee Minho’s manager (“Fans of Lee Minho-ssi, we’re facing a financial crisis, we need your help. Wire money to this number”). I’m the only responsible one in the hyung line, Doyoung sighed to himself. Oh the burden of the wise!

The part-timer at the counter looked up with a bored expression at him. Doyoung looked around. No sign of Taeil. It’s too early to become paranoid, maybe he’s in the back?

Looks like he would have to speak to a stranger after all. “Azhar?” he tried.

The part-timer took off his earphones. “You said something?”

“Hi, um, Azhar, right? I have a question for you.” Doyoung wracked his brain on how to pose the question without making it to Dispatch news tomorrow.

The part-timer made a face and gestured to his nametag. Yoon Dongwoo. “Azhar doesn’t have the night shift today. Are you going to buy something or…?”

“No, could you tell me…” Doyoung fixed his mask carefully and whispered. “How can I contact him?

Dongwoo gave him a suspicious look. “Are you here to steal something? I’m going to call the police.”

“No! No, I’m going to buy something.” Doyoung laughed nervously, making his way to a random aisle.

He texted on the Caretakers group chat, Please tell me Taeil is home.

JohnsBeans: He isn’t, you said you knew where he was?

CaptainKun: He isn’t here, also Ten and I have our hands a bit full right now, give us a few mins

DYDIY: He could be in one of the practicing rooms?

Woohoo: Jaehyun hyung and I just checked all over the building. Didn’t he say he hangs out with a friend at the grocery store?

DYDIY: I guess I have to do this then

JohnsBeans: What are you going to do???

Woohoo: Hyung???

Doyoung pocketed his phone, grabbed whatever he could get his hands on and made it to the counter. “I’ll buy all of these…and throw in a few ramen packets as well. Can I have Azhar’s number?”

Dongwoo seemed to find it funny. “Uh, sure, do you want to confess to him or something? Let me tell you, he has a long line of admirers and he turns them all down. Still, he gets the sales up so I’m not complaining. Here, note it down.” He giggled. “No refunds, okay? I need to get my sales up too.”

“Yes, yes.” Doyoung nodded, already dialing Azhar’s number. “Hi, is this Azhar?”

There was a pause and then, “May I know whose speaking?”

“Look, this might sound odd but is…” Doyoung lowered his voice, turning away from Dongwoo who looked very interested. “Is Taeil there?”

“Is Tae—is this a sasaeng? How did you get this number?” The questioning voice on the other end became very annoyed.

“No, I’m…I’m Taeil’s friend,” Doyoung said.

Azhar scoffed. “Yeah, right, I’m going to block you.”

“Wait!” Doyoung took a deep breath and clenched his teeth. “I’m Doyoung, now is he there? We’re all worried.”

Azhar seemed to consider that, his voice undergoing a sea change. “Doyoung!?” Another pause. “Okay, but how do I know it’s Kim Doyoung on the line? I don’t mean to disrespect you, sir, but I have to protect Taeil’s privacy, you see? How would the Kim Doyoung even get my number?”

Doyoung rolled his eyes. “Look, this is slightly urgent. All I need to know if Taeil is there with you.”

There was a shout from somewhere behind Azhar and Doyoung’s heart hammered in alarm. “That’s Taeil? What are you doing to him?”

“What am I doing to him? You should see what he’s done to my room! Wait, I never said that,” Azhar said quickly. “I’m sorry, I can’t give you any information unless Taeil allows me to. I hope you understand. If you’re genuinely Kim Doyoung, he’ll call you, okay?”

“Can Taeil come to the phone?” Doyoung asked.

Another shout and then some sobs, and finally, laughter. Doyoung sighed, “What proof do you need?”

There was a scuffle and Azhar saying “ow, wait, Taeil!” and then Doyoung heard Taeil’s voice.

“Doyoungie! Meet Azhar, he’s a huge fan of yours!” Taeil began to sing Single Ladies.

“Hyung, are you okay? What’s going on?” Doyoung was beside himself with worry.

He could hear Azhar saying, “Taeil! That could be a sasaeng. We don’t know that’s Doyoung. Give me back my phone! At least cut the call—”

More Single Ladies, and then Taeil speaking again, “Azhar here says you could be some random dude. Could you sing a line or two to calm this mother hen?”

“I’m not singing at the grocery store,” Doyoung groaned.

Dongwoo handed him his purchase and Doyoung was mortified to find that he had somehow managed to buy giant baby diapers and some ramen. “Uh, thanks, good night.” And left the store before the part-timer could laugh some more at him.

“Where are you? Send me your location and I’ll pick you up,” Doyoung said, sternly.

A full solo rendition of Without You (“It’s your fanboy’s favourite song, Doyoungie!” “Taeil, don’t make him feel weird!”) later, Doyoung found himself at Azhar’s apartment.

Azhar opened the door with an audible gasp. “Oh my god! It is you. Uh, please come in…sir. Would you like me to get some coffee? Tea?”

“I’ll just take Taeil home, thank you,” Doyoung said, feeling his face heat up as he realized Taeil was actually wrecking up Azhar’s apartment in the background by creating a tent with a bedsheet. “What happened?”

“He’s very sad,” Azhar said.

Taeil hit another high note in a remix version of Single Ladies that was truly new to Doyoung’s ears. “All the single ladies!” Taeil did some jazz hands and jumped off Azhar’s bed.

“Right,” Doyoung said.

Azhar explained that Taeil had turned up heartbroken and anxious, and they had talked it out (Doyoung could feel a lot of details were omitted for Taeil’s sake), Azhar had allowed Taeil to stay over so he didn’t feel lonely and sadder, Taeil had become calmer and disappeared to get some snacks only to return to Azhar’s apartment very drunk, tried to take off his clothes to live in the wild while building a ‘tent’. Thankfully, Azhar seemed to have stopped that midway.

Doyoung helped Taeil to his feet, slinging an arm over his shoulders. Taeil was quieter suddenly but needed support to stand up.

“Wait, he should wear a mask.” Azhar handed Taeil one. “Call me later, okay? And hey, look at me, Taeil, you can do it. It’ll be fine.”

Doyoung felt ashamed he had been suspicious of Azhar. “Thank you for taking care of him. And sorry about everything.”

It wasn’t a very long walk to the dorm and that was good because Taeil seemed to be feeling just a tad bit sick. Doyoung and Taeil were about to ring the bell at the door when the door opened.

“Yuta, what are—?” Doyoung began, surprised that Yuta seemed to be going out at this time of the night.

But he never got to finish his sentence because Taeil’s body chose the exact moment to throw up all over Yuta.

Taeil looked mortified. “I am so sorry. Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” Tears welled up in his eyes. “Oh, Yuta, I’m so sorry for everything. Johnny told me what happened and it’s all because of me. I feel so bad and I was going to write you an apology letter but I vomited over you instead.”

Doyoung stopped him. “He’s very drunk.”

“I can tell,” Yuta groaned, shocked but already half-way to the bathroom.

Taeyong who had emerged from the bedroom to chase after Yuta stopped beside the bathroom door. “Do you need a towel?”

“Are you okay?” Doyoung asked Taeil. “Do you want to sit down?”

Taeil didn’t even hear him. “Yuta didn’t accept my apology!” He wiped his face. “I think I need a drink. Excuse me.”

“No! You don’t need any more drinks. Let me put you to bed. You’re still drunk. The more you do this the more you’re going to be embarrassed in the morning.”

Taeil looked through the fridge and took out two cans. “You won’t drink with me?” He began to cry. “Is it because I’m a bad person?”

“What? Noo, you’re not a bad person!” Doyoung said, walking to him, concerned. “You’re a great person, everyone loves you.”

“I made Winwin sad because I was selfish and now Yuta and him fought because of me,” Taeil said, tears running down his face.

Taeyong threw a questioning glance at Doyoung before helping Taeil to the dining table. He smiled at Taeil kindly. “You’re not selfish and those two are terrible at communicating. That is why they fought. Not because of you.”

They tried consoling him but he went on saying he needed to apologise to his roommates after which he planned to go and work on an obscure planet in another galaxy in self-imposed exile.

A few (many) minutes later, Yuta finally emerged from the bathroom smelling strongly of sandalwood and blueberry.

“Yuta, could you come over here and talk to Taeil?” Taeyong’s voice floated to him from the kitchen.

Yuta walked towards them. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to Winwin for a shouting match anymore. The vomit and the shower brought clarity and patience to my mind.”

Taeyong sniffed the air. “Did you use my shampoo?”

“Yeah, I finished it. Was it expensive?” Yuta asked with a mischievous smile, reaching over to one of the surviving beer cans. “C’mon, I got dumped, I can use it. Where’s Doyoung?”

Taeil started. “You got dumped!? Oh, Yuta, I am so sorry, it’s because of…”

“More like rejected, but it’s okay, I’ve decided to only have fictional crushes from now on. Foolproof and dramaproof.” Yuta opened the can and sat down at the table.

“You’re not drinking,” Taeyong said. “I literally had to listen to Taeil and Doyoung drunk-cry about unrequited love. I’m not having another round of this. I literally just escorted Doyoung to his room!”

“Taeyong,” Taeil said, in an almost sober voice, suddenly, “I need to talk to Yuta.”

“It can wait—” Taeyong began, clearly concerned over everyone’s lack of sleep.

But Taeil was serious. “I need to do this. A friend out there believes in me. Give us a few minutes.”

Taeyong shared a glance with Yuta who nodded, with a confused shrug.

“Okay, good night, you two. Sleep soon. Don’t drink.”

“Taeil hyung—” Yuta began.

Taeil raised a hand. “Let me say it first. I was jealous that the guy I liked seemed to like you. I should have helped him as hyung, friend, roommate, but instead I did nothing. I behaved like only my love existed.”

Yuta was quiet, staring, mouth slightly open.

“I competed for his affections and probably made things worse for you both by doing so. I thought it was an even plain but love isn’t a piece of land that you can level, you know? I wish I had known then but in my mind, you were just the fan favourite for him, and if I could ignore you, I thought it wouldn’t hurt anyone but just myself for thinking I had a chance. I’m so sorry for not taking your feelings for him as seriously as my own feelings, for being lost in a fantasy when I should have accepted reality. I am really sorry, Yuta.”

“Listen…” Yuta tried to interrupt.

But Taeil wouldn’t let him. He apologised for so long, bringing up his conversations with Winwin, how he felt he had personally sabotaged not just their happiness but also the trio’s friendship, he told him with burning cheeks and eyes that looked away from Yuta, that Winwin’s accusations might have been fuelled by things he had said without thought. He was so sorry.

“Taeil hyung, let me speak, okay?” Yuta said, holding his hand.

Taeil was looking away from him.

“It’s okay,” Yuta said. “It’s okay.”

Taeil looked at him, finally, eyes searching Yuta’s face in confusion. “What are you saying?”

“Winwin isn’t a child. You didn’t influence him or sabotage anything. You’re being way too harsh on yourself. I think, you and I, both, just tried our best, you know? Yeah, I knew you liked him.” Yuta smiled, softly. “Sometimes, when I saw you trying, it felt like seeing a mirror image of myself. I was okay with that. I was okay with whatever Winwin decided on. It’s his life, at the end of the day. I think both of us have only been respectful towards him and to each other in our admiration for him. I’ve never felt anything bad from you and I hope I haven’t hurt you either. Because if you apologise like this, I must apologise to you too.”

Taeil sniffled. “I’ve just begun to realise I’m the second lead in this kdrama.”

Yuta gave a small laugh. “This isn’t a kdrama. Things aren’t so serious that they can’t be salvaged, okay? This is our life. Winwin, you, and I, have spent years together. That’s a bond that won’t just disappear.”

“But Winwin, he—” Taeil gestured emptily.

“Plus, it’s not like Winwin likes me back.” Yuta’s smile looked a bit watery. “So, are we both second leads then?”

Taeil said, incredulously, “No, he likes you! How can you not know that by now?”

Yuta drew back. “No, he doesn’t? He clearly told me that when he behaved like I was the worst person in the world just a few hours ago.”

Taeil shook his head. “You’re wrong. He really, really likes you. I can admit that now, to you and to myself, but it was a learning process for me so don’t make it worse by asking me to repeat it again.” He tried to appear serious but ended up laughing seeing Yuta’s face as Yuta was repeating slowly, He likes me?

Yuta took a deep breath, still not convinced. His voice was wobbly when he spoke. “You think…I have a chance?”