Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dear Steven Universe,

Today is going to be an amazing day, and here’s why: because today all you gotta be is yourself.

The typing cursor blinked at him with a steady rhythm, contrast with the beating of his heart. The clock on his laptop told him he had just five minutes to leave for school, and his chest felt heavy at the thought.

He kept typing.

But also be confident but still approachable. And don’t be so afraid of disappointing people. But be yourself, that’s number one!

How, though? He thought. He didn’t know how to be himself. He always acted how he thought people wanted him to act.

It's not gonna be like that time when you had the perfect chance to introduce yourself to Connie Maheswaran at the concert last year, when you waited afterwards just to talk to her and tell her how good she was on the violin and you were gonna pretend to be super casual like you didn't even know her name. Like she would introduce herself and then you'd be like, "I'm sorry I didn't hear you, Bonnie you said your name was?" And then she'd be like, "No it's Connie." And then you'd be like "Oh see I thought you said Bonnie 'cause I'm just very busy with other stuff right now." Or something.

His hand went up to his forehead in shame. Stupid.

Well it doesn’t matter, anyway, because you bailed on that. Why would a smart, pretty girl like Connie Maheswaran want to hang out with someone like you?

He was beginning to think he was missing the point with these letters to himself. He laughed at himself. They were supposed to help “build his confidence,” or whatever. Confidence was hard to come by when you had no friends.

His dad knocked on his door, and opened the door ajar.

“Hey, Schtu-ball. You ready for school?”

Steven jumped off his bed, slamming his laptop closed, and began packing his backpack, avoiding eye contact.

“Yup!” Steven tried to sound as chipper as possible.

“Did you write a letter?”

“Yup!”

“Is it working out?”

“Totally!”

“Oh good. Tonight I’ll bring home some pizza on my way home from the car wash. How’s that sound?”

“Sounds great, Dad. Thanks!”

“You know, I know you didn’t eat again last night. Should I be worried?”

“Wasn’t hungry.”

“I can pick something up other than pizza. We can eat it together before I have to go back to work.”

“No, pizza’s fine.” Steven was ready to bolt out the door when his dad sighed.

“Steven,” his dad started, “It’s a new year. First day of high school! It’s a chance for a new start!” Greg’s eyes lit up with an idea, “Maybe ask kids to sign your cast!”

Steven's eyes trailed down to his broken arm. The thought of a bunch of names adorning the bland white plaster sparked a bit of hope in him. Then he remembered how lame that sounded, to ask random kids to sign the representation of what a screw-up he was. How pathetic it was to use your injured-kid status to guilt people into pretending to like you.

“That’s a good idea,” Steven nodded. His dad finally allowed him to rush out the door. Before Steven let the front door close behind him, he heard his dad call down the steps.

“I’m proud of you, Son!”

Oh….good…..

___

Greg Universe sighed as his fourteen-year-old son bounded out the door to get away from him, keeping a fake smile plastered on his face and in his voice. He never felt like he said the right thing to his kid. He just got further away from him as time went on. It certainly didn’t help having to work two jobs to make ends meet, and not being around that often.

He wished those single parenting guides online gave better advice.

___

The Murphy’s sat around the breakfast table, feeling like prisoners. Seriously, Amethyst would rather gouge her eyes out than be forced to act like a happy family every morning.

Their mom was locked in a glare at her sister, Lapis.

“You can’t miss the first day of your senior year!”

Lapis groaned. “I said I’d go tomorrow.”

Their other mom, stoic as always, flipped her newspaper. “She won’t listen. And she’s high,” she said matter-of-factly.

“Lapis Lazuli Murphy! Are you high?” Their mom screeched.

Lapis’s stoned face said plenty. Their mom’s reaction was priceless. Amethyst snickered, earning a kick from Lapis under the table (a hard one).

“This is not funny, Amethyst! Lapis, I do not want you going to school…” she whispered, as if scandalized by the term despite just saying it a second ago, “...high.”

Lapis deadpanned, “Great, so I won’t go. Thanks, mom.”

Lapis grabbed her (empty) backpack and stormed back upstairs. Such a drama queen.

“Well if she isn’t ready I’m leaving without her,” Amethyst said, throwing her bag over her shoulder.

___

Pearl Murphy loved her wife, she loved her two daughters, and she just loved how loving them wasn’t enough to keep them functional. Everyone felt so far away from each other in the family, and she just wished she had a map to get to them.

__

Chapter Text

Steven fought through the crowded hallways of kids much taller than him to get to his locker.

Connie Maheswaran passed by, stacks of books in her hand and backpack still full. She got funny looks from upperclassman (dumb freshman), but a fond look from Steven.

She was oblivious to all of those looks, however, whether it be by choice or not, as she rushed to her homeroom.

He let out a sigh and went back to filling his new locker with his textbooks.

Coming down the hall he spotted Peridot, her freckled, upturned nose in her phone as always, and thick platinum blonde hair sticking out in random places. She glanced up and pushed her glasses back into place, making eye contact with Steven in the process. She made no facial expression and simply eyed his cast.

“What happened?”

Steven laughed nervously. “Um, I...fell out of a tree.”

“What were you doing in a tree?”

“That is an excellent question. I don’t really know.”

“Wow, Steven. That is...very sad.”

“Heh...yeah…but also kinda funny.”

Peridot typed on her phone. “How so?”

“Well, there was a good ten minutes where I just sat there hoping someone would come find me. Like ‘any minute now, here they come!’”

Peridot glanced back up. “Did they?”

“No, no. That’s the funny part, you see. Nobody came.”

Peridot’s nose scrunched up. “Geez, Steven.”

“SO!” he said, eager to change the subject, “How was your summer?”

Peridot straightened and grinned cockily. “My bunk dominated the robotics competition. Like that’s any surprise considering who led them to victory.”

“That’s great!”

There was a beat of silence before Steven’s remembered his dad’s idea.

“Hey! You wanna sign my cast?”

Peridot examined him for a minute.

“Why would I want to do that?”

“Because it’s nice! You fill up your cast with the names of all your friends! They can draw pictures, or write messages, and then it’s not so bad to have it on all the time!”

Peridot blinked. “Sounds pointless. The purpose of the cast is to realign the bone. Why would it matter what it looked like? It’s going to function the exact same either way. Also, we’re not really friends. Our families know each other. That’s it. We have a social contract.”

Steven rolled his eyes and sighed. “Nevermind.”

Peridot’s eyebrows furrowed at his dejected response (perhaps she did care) as she hugged her phone to her chest for a moment and watched Steven take a book out of his bag. She moved to help him by holding his book bag open, sticking her phone under her armpit.

“Thanks,” Steven smiled.

“I have to be nice to you,” Peridot defended. “Otherwise my laptop privileges will be revoked.”

Peridot’s grip loosened momentarily on her phone, and it fell to the floor. The lifeproof case saved it from the impact, but it failed to save it from Lapis Murphy kicking it across the tiled floor as she walked by.

“Hey!” Peridot squeaked.

Lapis turned around and towered over her. She stood with the phone between her feet a few lockers down from where Steven stood with rapt attention.

“I’m just...going to…” Peridot slowly knelt down, and awkwardly reached her hand between the junior’s feet, realizing she wasn’t going to move.

Lapis moved her foot on top of the phone.

“Oh, no, please don’t do that,” Peridot begged.

Steven rushed forward.

“Hey, stop! That’s important to her! You’re being mean!” He challenged.

Lapis’s cold stare melted as she looked at the source of the voice. She looked Steven up and down, analyzing and judging, a feeling he loathed. As if purposefully to take his self-esteem down another peg, she snorted.

“Yeah, whatever. Like I really care.”

She stepped off the phone and allowed Peridot to pick it up.

Lapis walked on past the two of them, pushing Steven into the locker as she did.

Steven rubbed the affected shoulder, while Peridot dusted off her phone.

Amethyst Murphy ran up to them. She flipped back her long, luxurious hair. Steven heard Peridot squeak for the third time.

“Sorry about my sister. Just ignore the emo queen of snots,” Amethyst sneered. “She’s a bitch to everyone.”

“Ah, uh, um...it’s fine!” Peridot stuttered.

Amethyst smiled at the nervous freshman.

“I’m Amethyst. Who are you fellow shorties?”

Steven gawked at the idea of someone willingly talking to him (without threat of losing laptop privileges). Peridot gawked at the idea of Amethyst willingly talking to her.

“Um...dudes?”

“Steven! I’m Steven. This is Peridot.”

Peridot waved.

“Hey, wait a minute! You’re that failed rockstar carwash dude’s son! With the weird last name!”

Steven blushed.

“It’s an awesome last name,” he mumbled.

“No, yeah, totally. It’s just…” Amethyst started laughing. “Oh come on, ‘Universe!’ It’s funny!”

Steven forced a laugh.

“Steven is very familiar with the fact that his last name is stupid. He doesn’t like to be reminded,” Peridot pointed out. Friend or not, she was aware of the bullying Steven went through previously over his dad (among other things: his sensitivity, his weight, his clothes, you name it! Kids are mean) and she wasn’t going to let it continue in front of her (even if she completely lacked any tact).

Amethyst seemed to regret it for a moment, but didn’t let it slow her down.

“Oh, okay, then. Well,” she clicked her tongue. “see ya dudes around. Don’t let upperclassman tell you you have to pay to piss or stand during lunch or anything stupid like that. Eat your greens, don’t do drugs, stay in school and all that. Peace out.”

—

“Oh my, what happened to your arm?”

Steven’s face went red. Connie Maheswaran was actually talking to him. She looked down at him in his desk, holding her books tightly to her chest.

Oh geez his palms were already so sweaty.

“I, well I, it’s a funny story, I kinda just...fell out of a tree…and broke my arm.”  

Connie nodded and looked to the side. She pushed her glasses up.

“My grandma broke her hip once,” she said.

“Oh, uh, really?”

“Yeah, that’s why my mom pads all the showers now. And why she’s been on a calcium kick. You know osteoporosis is a silent killer.”

Steven didn’t know, but he nodded.

“Do you, uh, wanna sign—“

The teacher stood at the front of the room and the conversations among the students died down.

“Well, feel better,” Connie added before taking her seat.

—

Steven spent study hall in the computer lab typing up his newest letter.

Dear Steven Universe,

Turns out today wasn’t a good day. It won’t be an amazing week or amazing year, and why would it be?

I don’t think anything will ever be different. I wish everything was different. I wish I was a part of something, that I didn’t feel like I’m never going to be good enough for anyone. I mean, I don’t think anyone will care if I just disappeared.

Your best friend and only friend,

Me

He pressed the print button.

“How’d you break your arm?”

Steven jumped in his seat. He instinctively exited out of the word document.

Lapis stood over him once again.

He definitely couldn’t deny that the cast was a conversation starter.

He swallowed the lump in his throat that had been stubbornly sitting there all day.

“I fell out of a tree.”

“You fell out of a tree?” Lapis repeated.

“Uh, yes?”

“That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard,” she deadpanned.

“Uh, yeah…”

Lapis eyed his cast.

“Gotta marker?”

“What?”

“I wanna sign your cast,” Lapis explained.

Steven warily handed her his Sharpie.

She wrote her name in giant letters, taking up the entire space.

“Wow, thanks,” Steven said.

Lapis laughed, a surprisingly light and sweet sound, but her tone continued to sound perpetually bitter, “Now we can both pretend we have friends.”

She handed back the marker and went to the printer. She grabbed Steven’s letter and started to read it.

“Hey, that’s—“

“‘Dear Steven Universe?’ Pfft, isn’t that you?”

Steven moved from his seat to take the paper, but Lapis held it above his reach. She kept reading, and her amused expression turned blank.

Then, she crumpled up the paper and stuffed it in her pocket.

“Yeah, no, that sucks. Write something better.”

With that, Lapis left the computer lab.

—

Chapter Text

Peridot K.: A letter to yourself? Seriously? That’s not some weird kink thing, is it?

Steven U.: NO! GEEZ! It was an assignment from my therapist.

Steven U.: Look I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry to bother you but what if she shows other people what I wrote?

Peridot K.: Why does it matter? It’s not like you’re even on the social radar for people to care.

Steven U.: Gee thanks.

Peridot K.: I’m trying to make you feel better! If anything escalated from that letter getting out, it would last one week tops! Now stop clogging my chatbox; I’m discussing very important matters.

Steven U.: Your Camp Pining Hearts theory?

Peridot K.: It’s not a theory; it is very clearly foreshadowed that the lunch lady from Camp Pine used to be one of the rival camp’s directors before she denounced their oppressive systems and quit. It makes way too much sense for it to not be canon.

—

It wasn’t even halfway through his first class that he was summoned to the principal’s office. His name announced to the entire school when no one would have any excuse to ignore it. Wonderful.

He walked into the office to find two women sitting on the couch, waiting for him.

“Um, Mr. Walters called…”

“Mr. Walters stepped out to give us some privacy,” one of the women said. “Please sit down, Steven.”

She was black and had a gentle voice with a British accent. Her posture was confident and strong. The other woman was dainty and held herself elegantly, though her face was red and full of tears.

Steven gulped and sat down across from them, having no idea what this could be about.

“We’re Lapis’s parents. I’m Garnet. This is my wife, Pearl,” she turned to Pearl, and Steven noticed she was clutching a piece of paper. “Are you ready, Dear?”

Pearl held up a hand in defense, “I’m going as fast as I can!”

Garnet looked back over to Steven, expression unreadable.

Pearl handed the paper to Steven, having a significant amount of trouble parting with it.

“This is…”

Pearl’s face broke and she threw her face into her hands and began to sob, quite loudly.

Garnet put a hand on her shoulder and finished for her.

“Lapis wanted you to have this. It’s addressed to you. These are her words,” her blank expression broke, one corner of her mouth curling downward, before returning her composure, “her last words.”

Everything around Steven seemed to blur except for the familiar letter in his hands.

Dear Steven Universe,

Turns out today wasn’t a good day…

His mouth, previously agape at Garnet’s implication, slammed shut. His hand began to shake.

“Yesterday, Lapis…” Garnet continued.

No.

“took her own life.”

But she was just here!

“She wanted you to have this.”

No no no no no no.

Pearl sniffled, “We didn’t know Lapis had any friends.”

NO no no no no no.

“I, uh…” Steven breathed. “Lapis didn’t…”

He made the mistake of looking at Garnet and Pearl as he spoke.

“She didn’t write this…”

Pearl tensed. “What do you mean? Of course she did! What does he mean, Garnet?”

Garnet put up a hand, “He’s in shock. Steven, it’s addressed to you.”

Steven shook his head rapidly and stood up and slung his backpack over his shoulders. He shoved the letter back into Garnet’s hand.

“There’s been a mistake. Just, just take it.”

Pearl gasped and pointed. Steven followed her finger to his cast, and Lapis’s name seemed to glow against a dim, blurry background.

“His best and only friend…” Pearl gasped.

Steven stammered. He wasn’t normally one for cursing, but all that went through his head was shit fuck shit fuck shit fuck.

“No, no, no,” Steven mumbled. “I have to go! Take it!”

“It’s yours,” Garnet assured.

“Please...come over to our house for dinner tonight…” Pearl practically begged.

Oh god oh god oh shit.

Steven bolted out the door and went straight to the bathroom to throw up, but since he had an awful habit of skipping meals, nothing came out.

—

Peridot K.: HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Steven U.: hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Peridot K.: OH MY GOD

Steven U.: What do I doooooooo they want me to come over tonight pls help meeeeee

Peridot K.: Okay don’t make anything up! Don’t say anything contradictory. Just nod and confirm. You can’t go wrong.

Steven U.: I have to tell them the truth!

Peridot K.: do NOT. Just don’t add to the lie. You really want to explain the kink letter to them? That’ll be disastrous! Don’t go breaking the whole family’s heart AGAIN!

Steven U.: Ughhhhhh

—

No one ate except for Amethyst. The table was quiet, with palpable tension. Amethyst groaned.

“Well if no one’s going to eat, I’ll have seconds,” she said, presenting her plate to Pearl.

Pearl scowled. “I believe you’re the only one with an appetite.”

Amethyst ignored her judgements, as always, and defiantly stuck another forkful of mashed potatoes in her mouth.

Pearl folded her hands on the table and straightened.

“So, Steven,” Steven flinched. “How did you and Lapis know each other? I didn’t know she had any friends.”

“She didn’t. She was awful to everyone she met. I saw her push you at school the other day,” Amethyst jabbed her fork in Steven’s direction. Steven could practically feel it stabbing his chest from across the table.

“She pushed you?!” Pearl’s hand went over her mouth.

“Well, I...she was picking on my fr--family friend. I was trying to stop her. She got angry. But, later she seemed to feel bad about it because she was really nice and signed my cast.”

Amethyst scoffed. “Lapis never cared about anyone.”

“Amethyst!” Pearl scolded.

“What? It’s true!”

“Lapis was...a complicated person.”

“No, she was a bad person,” Amethyst raised her voice.

Pearl matched her volume and then some, “There were a lot of good things about Lapis! How could you say that about your own sister?!”

Yelling over her mother now, Amethyst responded, “Because she always took everything out on me! And you never wanted to acknowledge how freaking abusive she was because you just want our family to be perfect! Name one good thing about her!”

“I’m not going to stand you besmirching your sister’s memory--”

“Oh I’ll besmirch all I--”

“I know good things about Lapis!” Steven interrupted.

Heads turned, and it was back to that tense silence and the feeling of a burning spotlight.

“What?” Amethyst’s voice was like a knife.

Steven gulped. (Sweaty palms, sweaty palms, wipe ‘em on your pants.)

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt, I just...didn’t want you guys to fight.”

Amethyst leaned back from her offensive stance and crossed her arms, eyes narrowed.

“Lapis...wasn’t nice, but, I think she really wished she was. She wished she was better, and I think when I stood up to her and told her she was being mean, she realized later that she was, and wanted to make up for it. No one at school really notices me, or cares about me, and I think she saw that in herself. So she tried to be friendly, and she signed my cast, and she…”

(Oh god what if his letter motivated her suicide…)

“She what?”

Steven took a breath.

“I’m really sorry, but there’s been a mistake. It’s hard to explain. The letter wasn’t written by Lapis. It was written by me.”

Pearl gasped a choked sob in her voice, “You wrote her suicide letter?”

“No! No, no, no. I wrote the letter to myself as an assignment from my therapist. Lapis took it and I guess she left it in her pocket when...she…”

Silence, except for the gush of each rapid heartbeat in his ears.

Pearl slumped in her chair, arms dangling at her sides. Garnet’s mouth twitched. Amethyst leaned forward, eyes wide.

“But...but that was...all we had…” Pearl stuttered. “So, she really had nothing to say…”

These silences were chipping away at all of Steven’s walls keeping him from crying. He couldn’t cry right now. He had no right to cry right now.

“I’m sorry,” he choked. “I’m so sorry, I wanted to tell you earlier. I should’ve. I was scared. I’m sorry.”

“No.” Garnet said through gritted teeth. “This was our fault, too. You did try to tell us, and we pressured you.”

With reality setting in (no last words, no hint that there was ever a perceived good thing in Lapis’s life, no explanation, nothing to hold onto....she was just gone. Forever.) Pearl’s hands covered her face and she wailed. Raw, throat-scratching agony.

He should’ve just lied. He shouldn’t have broken their hearts like that. Why did he make everything worse? Why was he such a good-for-nothing screw up? Why was he so selfish to be thinking about himself at a time like this?

Garnet put a hand, surprisingly gentle considering the ocean of emotions being repressed just behind a thin glass barrier, on Steven’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Steven. You should go,” her voice tight. Steven could sense the anger. At him. But she also knew it wasn’t his fault, not entirely.

Steven made no eye contact as he scooped up his bag, not even bothering to put it on his back and just settling for clutching it to his chest like a pillow, and scurried out the front door.

He’d have to tell his dad that he missed another meal.

He also missed the sympathetic look Amethyst was giving him, and her attempts at trying to talk to him.

__

Steven U.: You were right. I shouldn’t have told them the truth. I messed everything up. Now they hate me and I made them all miserable. I broke their hearts.

Peridot K.: Tried to tell you.

Steven U.: There’s gotta be something I can do to fix this.

Peridot K.: There’s not. You have to just let them grieve.

Steven U.: Maybe I can help them!

Peridot K.: Look, you do whatever to ease your conscience. Just don’t make things worse!

__

But that’s all he ever did.

__

He made things worse, he wasn’t worth anyone’s time. No one would care if he disappeared.

__

He lied on the hard dirt, the tree roots digging into his spine, an icy feeling spreading from his arm to the rest of his body. His whole body felt cold, except for the hot tears rolling down his face. It was quiet except for the rustling of the leaves and the mockingly happy songs of the birds.

(Someone come, please someone come help me.)

(Any minute now, someone will notice. Someone will find me. Someone will care. )

Nobody came. Nobody noticed. Nobody found him. Nobody cared.

__

His laptop pinged.

Amethyst M.: Hey dude, gotcha number from Peridot. Can we talk tomorrow? Behind the school by the baseball field after school.

This is how he died. Murdered by Amethyst Murphy behind the school.

Steven U.: Sure.

__

A knock at the door.

“Steven? Can I come in?”

His dad’s voice took on that annoyingly fragile tone when he thought Steven was going to break.

Then again, Steven did feel that way. He couldn’t even answer. He just nodded and hoped his dad could somehow see that through the door.

“I’m coming in,” he warned.

A few seconds later, the door opened.

His dad sat down on the bed. Steven shut his laptop.

“I, uh, got an email from your school today. A kid died by suicide yesterday? Did you know her?”

Steven shook his head.

His dad hesitated, “It says Lapis on your cast.”

(dammit)

“This? It was a different Lapis.”

(As if Lapis was a common name. Really, Universe?)

Greg himself wasn’t sure if he believed him or not, but nevertheless, he smiled.

“Okay, okay. I was so worried. You know you can always talk to me, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” Steven nodded.