“Where are we going?” Jared asks for what must be the tenth time.

“I’m not telling you,” Jensen says, “it wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you.” He has planned this surprise for a while, and he is quite proud that he has managed to keep it a secret. Jared has a tendency to make him break.

“But what if I don’t like it?” Jared has always been too impatient to just wait and see..

“You will,” Jensen answers, a little bit more concerned than he lets Jared know. It’s not that he is afraid that Jared won’t like the surprise, more that he has a suspicion that Jared might not think that it will be a good idea.

“Come on, I don’t even know why you’re doing this -”

Somehow Jared doesn’t think he is worthy of the surprises Jensen tries to arrange for him, but if there is one thing Jensen is sure of, it is that Jared is worthy of so much more than he thinks.

“Do I need a reason?” he says, smiling toward his husband.

He has wanted to cheer Jared up for a while now, not knowing how to lift his spirit. It has been concerning to see how ‘down’ Jared has been from time to time. Not having a structure to his day, and a real reason to get out of bed, has made his eyes shine a little less brightly. They’re not very obvious signs, just small things like not having the same level of initiative as he used to have, or that he smiles a little less. He’s not depressed, at least Jensen doesn’t think so, but he doesn’t believe in himself in the way that he used to do.

“Jensen, please….”

“Jared, no…”

Jared didn’t used to be so wary of surprises, at least that’s what he’s told Jensen. Apparently, he used to like them. But as long as Jensen has known him, he has been afraid of losing control. He needs to know that whatever he’s doing, he has a plan for how to handle it if an episode should start, and to do that, he needs to make plans.

“But….”

“No. I’m allowed to give my husband a surprise, so shut up.” Surprises doesn’t mix so well with having to make plans.

“But..”

“Nope… shut up!” And this is the very reason he fears that this surprise too might be one of the things Jared thinks is a bad idea.

It doesn’t take much longer before Jensen slows the car and park it in a free spot in front of the pharmacy.

“You’re taking me to the pharmacy?” Jared asks, laughing, as they climb out of the car. It’s not like he’s not there all the time anyway to get all the medication he has to take every day. 13 pills per day to be exact. And that is if he doesn’t have an episode. In that case, he will add another 12 pills to the pile.

“Nope, look across the street,” Jensen says and nods toward the store front will take him to. Jared knows very well what’s across the street, because it’s the only place he spends lot of time, beside being at home or at Miranda’s.

“You’re taking me to the animal rescue center?” He asks, not so much laughter left in his voice now.

“Yeah,” Jensen smiles, trying to compensate for Jared’s lack of enthusiasm.

The animal rescue center moved here about a year ago, after being located in another part of town. When the old bike repair store had closed down, after being there since it first opened in the 1940s, the rescue center had a chance to get their hands on a perfect location. Not only is it located in a quiet street, close by one of the few well sized parks in town, but it also has a great backyard suitable for dog kennels.  

“You want to walk the dogs?” Jared asks, still a wariness in his voice.

Jared has volunteered to walk the dogs here for a while now, but has made it clear to the staff that he can only do it when he has a good day, and that they must never rely on him coming in that day.

~*~

It was a cold day in January last year when Jared had spent a couple of hours at Miranda’s and obviously been bored. He was well enough to be up of bed, but his ability to focus were slowed by brain fog and fatigue. There was nothing for him to do at Miranda’s, as they were busy and chaotic, and he just couldn’t follow the pace. He had brought a book, but brain fog effectively blocked him from filtering out the noise from his surroundings enough for him to focus, and he kept reading the same page over and over.

“Jen,” he had said for what seemed like the hundredth time, and after being more and more annoyed from what Jensen found to be unnecessary nagging, he finally snapped. “Can you please let me work” he had said, trying to keep his tone down well aware that the store was full of customers. He usually liked having Jared at the store, but today he was stressed and exhausted, and couldn’t deal with Jared on top of that.

“But…”

“Not now,” Jensen said through clenched teeth, making it more than clear that he has had enough.

“Fine, I’m going,” Jared said shortly and packed up his things to go. He didn’t even turn his head to say goodbye to Jensen before he left through the door.

A couple of hours later, when it finally had slowed down again, Jensen felt really sorry for having snapped at Jared, and he wished he could have taken it all back.

~*~

“Nope,” Jensen said as he grabbed Jared’s hand and walked to cross the street. “We’re not just visiting.”

“Jensen…” Jared says with serious voice, “you know we can’t…” Jared slows down and almost stops in the  middle of the street. The only reason he follows Jensen is to avoid being hit by traffic.

~*~

Jared hadn’t walked straight home that day in January. Instead he had stopped outside the animal center that had opened further down the street, and after thinking it through, he decided to walk inside.

~*~

“I think it’s about time to get that dog,” Jensen says as he continues to drag Jared with him toward the shelter.

Jared has always loved dogs, and Jensen knows this. He has heard endless stories about the dogs Jared used to own when he grew up, and he can see it whenever they meet a dog on the street. Jared lights up, and quite often asks to pet the dog, just like a little child.

“But I’ve told you….”

Jensen likes dogs too.

“No you haven’t.”

“Yes I have.”

Okay, so Jared has told him, but Jensen doesn’t think it matters.

~*~

He had been very adamant that they could not rely on him as steady help, but if it were okay, he would come in and help whenever he could.The last thing he wants is for people to expect him to show up and help, and then they’re left short of staff, because he couldn’t make it in.

“Jensen…”

But he were more than welcome to do just that.

“No, Jared.”

All dogs were taken on a walk 2 times a day by steady dog-walkers, and then they were let out in one of 4 rather large dog kennels in the backyard.

“But….”

Most weeks, he made it in at least once.

“No. Listen Jared,” Jensen stops just outside the rescue center and turns toward Jared to look at him when he’s talking to him. “I know you have said you aren’t well enough to take responsibility when you have CVS, but the situation is changed now. You’re better.”

But not always.

Jared shakes his head, “Better, but not completely well.”

“Well enough,” Jensen insists, and make it clear that he doesn’t want any more arguing.

It’s true though, that they have agreed not to get a dog. They are both aware that a dog is a huge responsibility, and they were hardly able to take care of themselves. Jensen is still working too much, and Jared is still sick quite often. And even between episodes, he is still fatigued.

Jensen had suggested they get a cat instead, but that was totally out of the question. Jared had looked at him like he has suggesting they kill a kid, that’s how much he did not like the idea of a cat. “I’m not getting a frikkin’ cat….”

“Fish…” Jensen had tried, but he didn’t even finish that sentence.

“We agreed,” Jared says again, and almost looks hurt. Jensen hates that look on him. He knows it is because Jared thinks that he doesn’t get it. That he just doesn’t understand how afraid Jared is of not being able to follow up on his responsibilities, and how scared he is to add to them.

But Jensen does get it. Jensen is scared too. He is scared all the time that he doesn’t take care of his husband the way he deserves. He’s afraid that he doesn’t take care of Miranda well enough and that he isn’t a good enough son to his parents. He’s afraid that he also doesn’t manage his energy well enough, his spoons as Jared likes to call it, because CVS takes energy out of him too. Even though he is not the one who has it. CVS by proxy as he likes to call it.

So Jensen does get it – he also wants to be the best husband he can for his spouse.

“We agreed that at the time,” Jensen stresses, “we could not have a dog.”

“We still can’t,” Jared insists.

“Can we just look at least?” Jensen says, not wanting to go home again just yet

~*~

Jared feels annoyed. He wants to feel happy that his husband has decided to give him a surprise, and Jared most definitely would have been over the moon had he been well and could take care of a dog. But as it is now, this will just be another reminder of what he cannot do, and that’s the last thing he needs right now. It’s one thing to actually have to forsake things he really would have liked to do, because of something as annoying as being sick. It’s another thing to have something put right there in front of you and told that this is not for you.

For a long time now, he has felt down. It’s been harder and harder to just be… just living… and on top of feeling like shit, he he feels guilty for feeling this way as well.

He is married to the best man in the world. And he really means that. Even knowing Jensen’s bad sides as well, he truly feels like Jensen is a really good man. Jensen has such a heart for people, for all people, not just his family, but especially for  them. Even on bad days, when Jensen snaps, he always apologizes, and he always makes up for it. And truth be told, he doesn’t act out as bad as he thinks he does. Even angry he makes sure not to be too harsh.

That’s why he feels like the worst person in the world for not being able to feel sheer happiness just being married to him. The downside of being sick shouldn’t be allowed to overshadow the greatness of being married to Jensen. But it does - sometimes.

“Yeah, let's go cuddle the puppies,” Jared says, more willing to follow Jensen now. At least he can give him that.

~ * ~

six months ago

Jared is deep in thoughts and doesn’t even notice when Jensen walks in. “What are you doing?” Jensen asks and bends down to give Jared a kiss.

“Reading,” he says, not taking his eyes from the screen.

“Anything interesting?” Jensen asks as he makes himself comfortable in the couch next to Jared.

“Mitochondrial dysfunction,” Jared answer as he finally lift his eyes to meet Jensen’s.

“What?”

“I’m reading about mitochondrial dysfunction,” Jared repeats.

“Yeah, didn’t make anymore sense the second time,” Jensen still looks at him looking totally confused.

“Mitochondria, the cell’s power plants?”

“Nope, still don’t get it.”

“Don’t you remember anything from biology in school?” Jared can almost hold back an eye roll, shaking his head at Jensen’s lack of interest for biology.

“Apparently not.”

“Mitochondria as small organelles inside the cells. The burn energy and transforms it into a energy form that the organs can use.”

“Okay, and this is interesting because?” Jensen still doesn’t get it.

“Because it seems that in CVS patients, this doesn’t work. That they have a so called mitochondrial dysfunction.”

“Okay, so you have that?”

“I don’t know,” Jared says lifting his shoulders. “Apparently they don’t know much about it, but it seems like if not all, then at least a lot of CVS patients have it.”

“So, what then, if you have it, is there anything that can be done about it? And how do you even know if you have it? Can you test that?”

“Apparently there is. It seems like a lot of CVS patients get better from taking coenzymes.”

“Coenzymes?”

“They help the mitochondria burn the energy.”

“Great.”

“Yeah, at least it’s one more thing to try,” he smiles at Jensen. “And no, it’s doesn’t seem like it’s easy to test that. Apparently, they have found some mutations in the mitochondrial DNA, that seems to increase the risk for CVS, but only in those patients that have CVS as a child. They do believe mitochondrial dysfunction also cause CVS in adults though, because they too have good effect of the coenzymes, which they wouldn’t have if mitochondria didn’t play a part in this.”

Jared doesn’t want to get his hopes up. He has had high hopes before, and every time they have been knocked down, and every time it has felt like he has fallen further and further down. Like the hole falls in then is even more impossible to get out of, because yet another rung of the ladder was removed.

“So, do you need prescriptions for it?”

“No, it’s a food supplyement so I can buy it in health stores. And it seems like it is really safe to try.”

~*~

It was early this morning that he has seen it, a post in the forum called “Anyone tried Q10?” He had opened it up, mostly due to nothing better to do, and he had started reading.

___________________________________________________________
Forum: treatment
_____________________________________________________________

Topic: Q10?
___________________________________________________________

Nicky15

Has anyone tried Q10 for CVS? I read in a facebook group about a girl that had tried it, and she was getting better. What is this? Why would it help CVS?

    StrngBre: Reply to Nicky15

    I’ve tried it, and it’s been a lifesaver for me. I do both Q10 and L-carnitine, and I haven’t had a CVS episode for almost 10 months now.”

       cat: Reply to StrngBre
        Wow, 10 month. I wish that was me. Unfortunately, Q10 did nothing for me.

            StrngBre: Reply to to cat
           Did you try large enough doses? I heard that we need 400mg q10 for it to work. And I also tried L-carnitine, 2 g pr day.

               Cat: Reply to StrngBre
                Where did you read that?

                    StrngBre: Reply to cat
                    Here’s links to the articles I found
                    https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0Jx6ulFbbrsMzVEdi1RWjJKX00/
                    https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0Jx6ulFbbrsVTE0NmZYRjN4QjQ/

    Luca’s-mom: Reply to Nicky15
    Luca’s doctor took a test that he sent in to courtagen Life. I think you can do it too. I found a video about it on youtube.
     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPfqVwyNke8&t=104s

    Mike: Reply to Nicky15
    I think someone has to use amitryptaline too for it to work. I think Dr.Boles wrote about that in one of the articles. Unfortunately, I can’t take amitryptaline.
    Has anyone tried noritryptaline with the mito-coctail? Does that work?

        Nicky15: Reply to Mike
        Mito-coctail?

            StrngBre Reply to Nicky15
           he mixture of q10 and L-carnitine os often called the mito-cocktail, because it’s used for helping the mitochondria.

    AnnLou: Reply to Nicky15
    I saw that Dr Boles will talk about it on the Family conference in June. CVSA just sent out the program.

       Nicky15: reply to AnnLou
      Oh, cool. Will you be there?

          AnnLou: Reply to Nicky15
          Yeah.

Jared continued to read the thread that – in usual manners – spiraled out to be about anything not even related to Q10. But then went on to read about the mito-cocktail, and what apparently are called a mitochondrial dysfunction. His doctor has never mentioned that. Maybe he could ask about this?

~*~

Jensen wasn’t kidding when he suggested getting a cat. He would have been happy with a cat, but not Jared. Jared is a dog-person.

They have talked about kids too. Both Jensen and Jared wants kids, but they also know that it’s probably not in the cards for them. Sure, they would be great parents. Jensen is sure of this. They both have great capacity for loving, and they would have put the kids first. But this one thing Jared made sure that Jensen was aware of, and agreed with, before they took their relationship to another level. He made sure that Jensen knew that being with Jared meant not having kids.

Jared did not want to bring kids into the family when he wasn’t able to take care of them as well as he would have liked – as well as they deserved. He knew that there are many parents with CVS, and many kids that grown up with sick parents – and worse, dead parents. But just because there are many kids out there growing up under those circumstances doesn’t mean it’s okay to bring kids into that when you are already aware of the situation beforehand. Jared doesn’t mind what other people do, what choices they make, but he isn’t willing to take on a responsibility like that when he is so afraid of living up to it. And not even Jensen can change his mind about that. Only Jared can decide if he is up to that task, and if that was a breakdealer for Jensen, then that would have been that. But Jensen was okay with that. He chose Jared.

But dogs though…. dogs are great and they need a lot of care, but luckily not as much as kids. Dogs they can have. He just have to make Jared see that as well.

~*~

They walk in together and  the little bell above the door chimes and makes the girl in the back room aware that there are people in the store.

“I didn’t know you were coming in today,” Linda says as she sees that it is Jared that has walked in.

“No, hubby here dragged me in,” he says and nods toward Jensen.

“Oh, so this is your husband?” she says and sends him a coy look. “You are right though, he is handsome.”

Jensen can’t help but laugh as Jared groans and roll his eyes, “Did you have to say that in front of him, now his ego will be worse than ever.”

“What, because I am handsome? Pft… I already knew that,” Jensen tries to sound casual, but deep down it really does feel good hearing that Jared still finds him attractive. He sure think Jared is.

“You want to walk some of the dogs?” she asks and move the focus off Jensen. “Anyone in particular?”

“Sadie,” Jared says and by the smile on Linda’s face, Jensen knows this didn’t come as a surprise. It didn’t come as a surprise to Jensen either, as Jared has often talked about this little girl that he has totally fallen in love with.

“Just go back and fetch her,” she says and moves to the side so that he and Jared can walk passed her and into the back yard. Jensen’s never been here before, and he is surprised how large the back yard is. It’s not common to find these large plots in town anymore, and the only reason this has it is because it has been a bike repair shop ever since the owner of this old house started it way back. Had he not had his business here, this plot would most likely have been sectioned off and sold to developers to build a house, like all the other plots that used to be in this street.

“This is larger than I thought,” Jensen says and looks around. There are 3 large kennels, but only two of them hold dogs.

“There’s not many dogs here now,” Jared says, and Jensen notice a sadness in his voice.

“We had to take them to the vet yesterday,” Linda says behind him. Jensen hadn’t noticed that she had followed them out.

“All of them?” Jared asks.

“Most of them. Not Nico and Trixi, but all of the rest.”

“But there was at least 6 dogs here on Tuesday, you had to take 4 to the vets?”

“5 actually.”

“Damn.”

“What does that mean?” Jensen asks, even though he is pretty sure of the answer.

“There is just so long they can keep them here. If no one have adopted them, they have to put them down.”

“So those five….”

“Yeah.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“So, Sadie?” Jensen asks in an effort to bring the smile back on his husband’s lips.

“She’s over there,” Jared says, pointing toward the kennel all the way in the back. “She’s a bit shy, but she is adorable.” Jensen has to walk all the way to the kennel before he can see the dog lying curled up on a blanket inside the kennel. She’s beautiful. She’s a German Shepherd mix, and looks absolutely stunning. “She’s a beauty,” Jensen says.

“Yeah,” Jared smiles, and Jensen can hear some pride in his voice, like it really means something that he found his girl beautiful.

~*~

Sadie runs loops around Jared’s legs, and he has to untangle his legs from her lash many times. She jumps and whips and is ecstatic at being with Jared, far from the shy dog he saw when he first walked up to the kennel.

It’s obvious that she is used to walking with Jared and that they play whenever they are in the park. As soon as they reach the area where dogs are allowed to run free, he lets go of her lash, and she runs of to fetch a branch for Jared to throw.

And he does.

And he smiles all the time when he do it.

“You really love her, don’t you?” Jensen asks, even though the answer is obvious.

“Kind of.”

“And still, you don’t want her?” Jensen lets the question hang, and he doesn’t expect and answer right away.

And he doesn’t get one either. Jared sobers up a bit, before he throws the branch a few more times, and praises Sadie every time she gives it back.

“I do, but Jensen, I can’t….” he finally says.

“Sure you can,” Jensen says, and he make sure to look him straight in the eyes, leaving no room for avoiding the subject.

“But what if……”

“It won’t….”

“You don’t know that!”

~*~

It took 3 weeks before Jared started to having effect from the coenzymes. It started with the vomiting getting less and less. He was still sick, and he would still vomit, but it wasn’t as intense at it used to be. He finally had time to breath in between vomiting now, something he had before. When it was at its peak, he would vomit so rapidly, and so much, that he ran out of breath, and didn’t have time to breath in again before the next bout of vomit started. There were no time to breathe and if you were unlucky, which many CVSers have been, you could breathe in vomit and get it in your lungs. That ca cause all sorts of complications. Fortunately, that had never happened to him, but it has been pretty close many times.

Now, it wasn’t so intense, and that in itself was a victory.

An even greater victory was when he noticed that for each week that went, his vomiting became less and less until after about 3 months, when he didn’t vomit anymore.

The stomach pain was just as bad though, and the fatigue was as bad as ever.

~*~

“I know I have been feeling good for a long time now, but I can’t guarantee it will last, Jensen,” Jared says, wanting Jensen to understand how worried he still is.

“I know that, but there aren’t any guarantees in life,” Jensen argues, repeating the same argument as Jared has heard so many times before.

“Yeah, but this is different,” he says, wanting Jensen to see that not knowing there will be problems in the future is not the same as knowing that there is a high risk of problems. His eyes are wide open for what may come of bad days.

“How so?”

“It’s one thing to get a dog when you are healthy and everything is great, but that’s not the case here. It’s a greater risk that my CVS will come back, than for someone completely healthy will get sick.”

“But that’s not what we are talking about.”

“It’s not?” Jared says, not following at all. This is definitely what they are talking about.

“No, we are talking about whether or not we – the two of us – will have enough resources among us to take care of this dog,” Jensen says, “-even if you get sicker again,” he’s fast to add.  “And I think we do.”

“How can you say that?”

“Because you are so much better now,” he says,  “and even if you say we can’t be sure it will last, I will say there is nothing saying it wouldn’t last either.” Jensen looks at Jared when he speaks, and Jared can see that he is sincere. “Obviously, your mitochondria are doing better with this medication, so why wouldn’t that continue was long as you take your medication?”

“But what if it doesn’t?” Jared still have trouble trusting it will last.

“Then I will take more of the responsibility.”

“But that wouldn’t be fair on you?” He says, not willing to put more responsibility on Jensen.

“Shouldn’t I be the one deciding that?”

Jared shake his heads, and Jensen asks him to stop and look at him.

“Listen,” he says, “I am sure you will be fine, and that we will have no problem taking care of her. But if you do get worse again, I will give her all the care than she needs. I promise you that.”

“But how can you promise that. What’s different now from before?”

“The different is that now I am 99.9% sure that you will stay healthier and can help me take care of her, and I am willing to risk it with those odds . And if you would be worse again, which I don’t believe you will, then I will already be so much in love this dog that I wouldn’t mind doing all the work.”

Jared doesn’t know what to say, too touched and too emotional from seeing what a wonderful husband Jensen is.

“Come here, Sadie,” he says, and he buries his face in her neck, shielding the tears in his eyes he’s still too embarrassed to let Jensen see. He’s a man. He doesn’t cry just because he’s married to the best man in the world.

~*~

Jensen is right, he is much better. He doesn’t really get episodes anymore – just…. Mini-sodes as Jensen calls them. He doesn’t feel nauseous anymore, doesn’t have the egg-burps and doesn’t feel completely out of it. He does get the stomach pains, and they last even longer than before, but they usually respond well to tramadol. So he could actually take a dog for a walk most days now. He does take Sadie for walks most days already.

“I can take her running ,” Jensen says, referring to the consistent, never miss a run-exercising that he does, “and that will take care of most of her need for exercise. And I am sure that if you on your worst days cannot walk her,  she will be okay being let out in the backyard. We can put up a higher fences so that she can run free out there. And I am sure she will love sleeping next to you when you are sick.

“Like a service dog.”

“She can totally be your service dog,” Jensen smiles.

“And it would be great to have another reason to get out every day,” Jared says, trying to convince himself that this is a joy he actually can keep.

“Yeah, that would definitely be a plus.”

Jared smiles, hopes, and feels a rush of joy going through his body. He might just do this.

“One thing though,” Jensen throws out, “we would have to rename her.”

“What? Why?” Jared asks, he sees nothing wrong with the name Sadie .

“Well, she’s so full of energy,” Jensen says, letting it hang in the air.

“Yeah? So?”

“So she would totally need to be called…” Jensen stops and find an old receipt that he has in his pocket and the pen he always carry with him, and scribble down a name on the back of the receipt. It sais Que-ten .

“No way!”

“Yes way!”

“We are not calling our dog Q10!” Jared shakes his head, wondering for a moment why he thought this man was the best of the best.

“But wouldn’t it be fun to have a K-9 , called Q-10 ?” Jensen almost fall over from laughing at his own joke,

“No, you are stupid, and her name is Sadie.”

“But she is ours though?”

“Yes,” Jared smiles, “she’s ours!”

THE END