Work Text:
i.
Felix hated college. Well, that was wrong, Felix hated coming back to college. He was used to chilling over the summer, only going to work and then coming back home, not having to worry about homework and exams. He missed it, he missed the summer sun he could bask in. He missed staying up until early morning to play games instead of staying up to complete homework. He missed swimming and sunbathing, missed marking his skin with even more freckles. He didn’t miss sharing a dorm with three other people.
It wasn’t that he didn’t like his roommates; they were pretty cool. Seungmin was usually pretty quiet, Jisung made him food all the time and Hyunjin helped with him his math homework. He just didn’t like the fact that he was the only new one. The other three knew each other like the back of their hands, and he was just- there. They brought him into their circle, and he was slowly getting close to them. But when they went out to lunch together, he was eating while they cracked inside jokes. He’d be left alone in the room when they hung out with friends. He was alone.
And it sucked. It sucked so much. And yet, he was used to it. He was used to hearing the door shut at almost two am while the other three giggled and went to their rooms. He was used to it.
He wasn’t used to coming back from class and having a group of boys in his living area. He was thankful that he at least looked a little nice, but he was wet from the rain and he was tired, and now that his exam was over he wanted to sleep until his next class.
“Felix!” Jisung smiled at him, lips pulled into a heart shape. Felix smiled back, waving a little at the group of people who turned to him. “How was your class?”
“Boring, honestly. Math always sucks,” Felix shrugged, shuffling his weight on his feet. “I’m just going to-“ he didn’t finish his sentence, and just pointed at his room door before bowing quickly to the group and walking away.
“Actually, Felix, we were going to meet some friends for dinner, do you wanna come with?” Hyunjin asked, a smile on his face. Felix froze.
“Are you... Sure? I don’t want to intrude.” Jisung looked a little offended, sporting a pout as he stared at Felix.
“You wouldn’t.”
“But, I don’t know any of your friends?”
“That’s the point,” Seungmin spoke, staring at Felix like he was dumb. “For you to be integrated into the friend group, you have to meet people.”
“Oh,” Felix nodded his head. “Let me go grab my card?”
“We’ll be waiting!” One of the strangers said and Felix smiled at them quickly before going into his room and dropping his bookbag on the floor and searching for his debit card as quick as he could, running out of the room as soon as he found it. He slid a little from his socks, blushing when one of the boys laughed at him.
“This is Minho, Jeongin and Changbin by the way,” Jisung pointed at each boy as he said their names and Felix nodded along, introducing himself when he was done. He paused, looking at Jisung with a raised eyebrow.
“The Minho, Jeongin and Changbin?”
“Moving on!” Seungmin shouted, shooting up from the couch to usher all of them out of the room. Hyunjin was flushed a bright pink and Felix tried to hold back his giggles, holding a hand over his mouth. Jisung smacked his arm, a tiny pout on his face. Felix just shrugged.
“What does he mean?” Changbin asked Hyunjin, staring at the taller boy all confused. “The Changbin?”
Felix saw how his friends were suffering and decided to tell a little white lie to make them feel better. He swung an arm around Jisung’s shoulder, noticing how Minho flared at him a little.
“It’s nothing, hyung! They just talk about you a lot. I’m glad they have such great people in their lives.” Changbin smiled at him and nodded. Felix just smiled back, waiting in the foyer for the elevator to come, watching as the other boys acted like complete crackheads. It was nice. Felix was glad he agreed to come.
↪️↪️↪️
Felix was no longer glad he came. He was fucking ecstatic. Felix was feeling great. Minho immediately started addressing him as a friend, Changbin made him laugh, Jeongin was being so unbelievably cute and the group wasn’t even complete yet. Felix was shocked.
“Sorry I’m late!” The group broke off into choruses of ‘Chan!’ and ‘hyung!’, smiles breaking on all of the boys' faces. Felix looked over to the boy that was taking the group by storm and stared. It was almost like a cliche drama moment, there was a light behind the boy that made him look like he just flew down from heaven. His head was covered in bleach blonde hair, and there was a bright smile on his face. Even if he was wearing all black, the boy radiated brightness.
Felix wanted to wrap him in a blanket and protect him from the world. He didn’t, of course, but the urge was big. Chan sat at the table, in the empty chair diagonal from Felix. Jisung pointed at Felix and introduced him to the older boy and then suddenly that bright smile was directed at him. Felix couldn’t breathe.
“Hey, I’m Chan.” Felix smiled and nodded at him out of reflex, his mind reeling that this perfect human was real and talking to him.
Felix loved college.
ii.
Over the next two months, Felix got really close to the boys. It was kind of weird being used to eating alone in his bedroom to being in a giant group of friends eating in the cafeteria, making too much noise and not apologizing for it. He and Chan were pretty close, but Felix had no idea how that happened. He wasn’t going to complain though because talking to a cute boy on the daily was his definition of perfect.
The group hung out regularly, either in the 00 line dorm or in public. On special occasions, they would meet up where Chan and Changbin worked, chilling until the late hours of the morning listening to the tracks they were producing and sometimes providing vocals. It was fun. Felix liked it.
But even if the group met up once a week, Felix found himself at Chan’s studio at least every other night. It was kind of weird, but not bad weird. Felix went from having four kind-of friends to having eight definite friends, and one super close friend who he has a giant crush on. It was cool but also super inconvenient. Wanting to kiss someone every time you saw them made it super difficult to act casual around them.
Tonight was one of the nights where he was in the studio, laying on the floor with his eyes closed as he drifted off, fingers tapping on his stomach. It was almost completely silent, save for the clicking of Chan’s mouse and the keyboard. He heard Chan huff and headphones being placed harshly on the desk. Felix cracked open an eye to see Chan pulling at his hair.
“You okay, hyung?” Felix asked, sitting up to check on his friend. Chan just groaned. Felix frowned, standing to walk behind Chan, hands immediately kneading into the tense muscles. Chan let his head hang while Felix massaged him. The younger didn’t ask his question again, not wanting to bother the man in front of him who was obviously running on only a few hours of sleep and caffeine.
Chan eventually picked his head up, silently reaching out to hit the spacebar and play the track he was working on. It was a lot different than Chan usually wrote; most of his songs had heavy bass and lots of snare, but this one was softer. It had more a funk style to it almost, heavy rhythm and bass guitar filling the air. Felix listened to it, paid attention to all the chord progressions, fingers still working their way through the knots at the base of Chan’s neck.
“There,” Felix spoke up, reaching over Chan to press the spacebar. “The chords seem a little out of place. Maybe switch the cord? Like from E to G sharp?” Chan hummed at the advice and started to edit the song, nodding along with the brighter sounding chord.
“That’s so much better, god I’m so lucky to have you,” Chan muttered, voice soft but full of emotions that Felix couldn’t detect. Felix just giggled.
“That sounds like you like me hyung,” Felix smiled as Chan’s turned around in his seat, hands coming to rest on Felix’s hips. A small smile broke Chan’s face and he tugged, startling Felix who fell into his lap.
“That would be a little bit of an understatement, darling.” Felix flushed, ducking his head avoiding Chan’s eyes. The older didn’t like that and with two fingers, brought Felix’s face back up. Felix watched as Chan smiled at him, fingers moving from his jaw to brush across his cheek.
“I think I’m going to combust.”
“I think you should be my boyfriend.” Felix choked a little, eyes widening at Chan’s words. Chan just smiled back at him, color barely dusting his cheekbones and the bridge of his nose. Felix stared at him, suddenly reminded of how Chan looked on the first day they met. Maybe it was the computer light making Chan look like he was glowing, or the dimples making themselves known on his cheeks. Maybe it was the sparkle in his eye or the happiness radiating from him. Felix was breathless.
It didn’t really help that Chan decided at that moment he should kiss Felix, but the younger couldn’t really find it in himself to complain. Chan’s lips were as plush as they looked, almost as soft as cushions if it weren’t for them being slightly chapped. Felix didn’t really care. He was kissing Chan. He was kissing the boy he’s wanted to kiss every day for two months and he was living.
Chan pulled back from the kiss, lips pink and shiny, eyes twinkling. Felix just stared, feeling almost as if he had been punched in the gut. Chan looked beautiful. Felix wanted to remember this face forever.
“Are you going to answer me?”
“You never asked me a question.”
“Will you be my boyfriend, Felix?”
“You don’t know how long I waited to hear that. Yes, I will.”
iii.
Felix was shaking as he sat on his couch, foot tapping on the floor, fingers tapping on his leg. It was the day of his first date and while he was excited, he was so fucking nervous. Chan was Chan, a beautiful boy who deserved the entire universe and all Felix could give him was a rock. Felix jumped when Jisung sat on his lap, draping himself over the boy like a blanket.
“You’re being super annoying,” Jisung complained and Felix gasped.
“Sorry,” Felix whispered, making a loud noise of complaint when Seungmin came over and flicked his forehead.
“You’re being ridiculous,” Seungmin sat next to Felix, fingers reaching out to hold his hand. “Chan really likes you, and nothing you could ever do would change that. So stop freaking out. Besides, you look hot.” Felix smiled at him and squeezed his fingers.
“Hey! I’m the one that styled him, hold my hand too,” Hyunjin whined, nestling on the other side of Felix and showing his palm expectantly. Felix just rolled his eyes and held Hyunjin’s hand. The three teenagers barely fit on the couch and with Jisung laying on them, it was kind of hard to breathe. It was a wonderful feeling. Felix loved every second of it.
His phone pinged when Chan texted him to announce his arrival. Felix felt like he was going to die. His friends stood up, waiting for him to make sure he had everything he needed before attacking him. Jisung pressed a kiss on his left cheek, Seungmin on his right cheek and Hyunjin on his forehead. Felix closed the dorm door to a chorus of “Have fun!”, “Be safe!”, and “We love you!”. He loved his friends.
↪️↪️↪️
Felix slipped into Chan’s car with a nervous smile, blushing when Chan immediately took his hand and kissed his knuckles.
“Hi, darling,” Chan smiled at Felix when he responded with a shy hello, cheeks burning bright red. Chan just chuckled and turned off his hazard lights, pulling away from the dormitory and into traffic. Small talk was made and Felix plugged in his phone, immediately playing the playlist of songs that Chan would send him at the asscrack of dawn because Felix was on his mind.
“You kept them?” Chan asked, his voice sounding shy and flustered. Felix cleared his throat and nodded.
“Y-yeah. Of course, I did.” Chan flushed a dark pink, cheeks matching with Felix’s. The two avoided eye contact, fingers still interlocked. Felix just cleared his throat again to break the silence.
“Can I know where we are going?” The car pulled to a stop at a red light and Chan turned to Felix with a playful glint in his eye.
“Somewhere you wanted to go,” Chan teased, laughing when Felix whined about not liking surprises. Chan just giggled. “You’ll like it, I promise.”
“I trust you.”
“Well, that’s good. Relationships are built off that.”
“We’re breaking up.”
↪️↪️↪️
Felix gasped, face pressed against the car window as they pulled up to one of the biggest aquariums Felix had seen in his life. He mentioned to Chan almost a month ago that he wanted to go to an aquarium as a date, and now here he was, with the boy he was basically head over heels for at the place he wanted to go for almost a year.
“You remembered?!” Felix cheered, bouncing in his seat as they paid for parking and pulled into the parking lot.
“Of course I did, I always listen to you,” Chan spoke so casually that it made Felix’s heart race. His jaw dropped slightly and his brain forgot how words were formed. His lungs decided that it would be a great time to stop working altogether while his heart went “fuck it” and effectively started beating faster than was healthy. Chan didn’t say anything else, his bottom lip stuck between his teeth to hide his flustered smile. Or what Felix assumed was a flustered smile if the cherry red cheeks were anything to go by. Chan looked ethereal and that only made Felix even more breathless because holy fuck he looked so pretty.
Once the car was parked Felix grabbed Chan’s face and turned it towards him, whispering a quiet “thank you so much” before planting a soft kiss on Chan’s lips, nothing more than just a brush of a kiss. He pulled away momentarily to only be pulled back in by Chan, large hand on the back of his neck keeping him in place. The kiss was still mostly innocent, but Felix still felt every single one of his nerves activate, tingles running down his spine.
The kiss ended and Felix watched as Chan’s eyes twinkled, reminiscent of stars and sat, awestruck at how much he wanted to keep this look in his memories forever.
iv.
Felix had a love-hate relationship with Chan’s job. He loved being able to spend time with the older man in the studio, just the two of them enjoying the presence of each other. But he hated how much time it took away from them.
This was one of those times.
It was Felix’s final dance recital of the year and he had planned something special for Chan; he choreographed a whole dance with the song Chan made for Felix’s birthday, wanting to give back to Chan in the only way he really knew how. He was so excited for Chan to see it, he was excited to show Chan was he meant to him.
“Baby, I’m sorry but-“ Felix cut Chan off with a sigh, feeling anger and disappointment pool in his stomach, his bones feeling heavy and his heart feeling dull.
“You aren’t coming?” He didn’t mean for his voice to come off as deadpan as it did but he really couldn’t bring himself to care, his anger taking over all of his emotions. Chan promised he would be here, but just like always, Felix was placed second.
“I wish I could, but I have-“
“A deadline? A jam session? A meeting? What is it this time?” Felix snapped, walking away from the dancers backstage to a more quiet area.
“Felix, you know this job is important to me,” Chan quipped back, voice thick with anger. Felix scoffed. It hurt to breathe, his entire chest hurt and all he wanted to do was cry but he had to perform for hundreds of people, not a single one being the person he wanted to be there.
“The job is important to Changbin too yet he’s here for Hyunjin, and they aren’t even dating.” Felix sighed, voice cracking at the end of his words. “It’s whatever. I see where I stand in your eyes. Don’t bother coming.” Felix could vaguely hear Chan beg him to stay on the line, but Felix ended the call before he heard anything else.
It was hard to breathe, so hard to breathe. His chest was so tight it felt like he was dying. He slid down the wall, shakily trying to suck in a breath but not succeeding, choking out a sob. It was their first fight but Felix had sat on this for so long. He felt unloved and unimportant; dates were cancelled because of work, the only place they hung out was the studio. It felt like Felix was just an add on sometimes and of course, Felix knew that he wasn’t. But things like this, things like this made him think that maybe he was.
Hyunjin eventually walked over, freaking out when he saw how hard Felix was breaking down. Felix was wrapped into a hug and at the touch he started sobbing, thick tears running down his face as he clutched onto Hyunjin’s shirt. The taller boy sat down next to him, taking out his phone and calling Changbin, begging for him to come backstage and help. Felix felt horrible, felt like a bother. But god he hadn’t felt cared for in so long. Changbin showed up a few minutes later with Seungmin and Jisung in tow, all of them wrapping Felix in their arms.
Felix was so thankful, so grateful that he had friends that cared for him, but he felt like something was missing. All Felix wanted was Chan; he wanted to smell his cologne and hear his heartbeat. He didn’t want this; he didn’t want to feel so separated from Chan. The dance instructor came over with Minho behind her and said that Felix wouldn’t need to perform tonight and said that he could be taken home since he felt so sick. Hyunjin thanked the professor for Felix, scooting a little so Minho could sit with them. Minho immediately began stroking little circles on the skin he could reach. Felix choked on a sob.
“Take him home and stay with him, okay? We will be there as soon as we can,” Minho spoke, his usually soft voice wrapped in worry. Felix begged for the others to stay, but Minho said no and soon Felix was being guided out of the building by his two remaining roommates with Changbin ahead of them. Hyunjin ran up to them, leaving Felix with a kiss on his forehead before he ran back to the stage.
Felix couldn’t breathe but he was really thankful for his friends.
v.
It took a solid forty minutes to calm Changbin down after Felix explained why he was crying. Jisung didn’t look happy either, and Seungmin looked downright murderous. If it weren’t for Jeongin demanding a cuddle pile the three of them would have probably left the dorm to rip Chan limb for limb. (Or maybe it was the fact Felix begged them to not do anything as he still loved Chan.)
Felix sat with his head in Jeongin’s lap, sniffling intermittently. There were fingers in his hair, Seungmin’s he assumed if the calluses were anything to go by, and his eyes were closed as he swallowed around the lump in his throat. He heard the door open and tried to move so he could see Hyunjin and Minho but instead he got held to Jeongin’s tummy. He feigned sleep, snuggling closer to the warmth.
“Why is he here?” He heard Changbin growl, voice sounding like venom to Felix’s ears.
“He wanted to apologize,” Minho sounded sassy and Felix put the pieces together and realized that it was Chan in his dorm room. The one boy he wanted to simultaneously cuddle and avoid at all cost. He didn’t say anything.
“Is he asleep?” He heard Hyunjin ask, his slender fingers taking place of Seungmin’s.
“Yeah, he has been for a little while,” Jisung responded, playing along with Felix, subtly gripping his fingers when Felix clenched at Chan’s voice.
“Has… has he eaten?” Chan’s voice sounded broken and Felix had to hold himself back from turning around and wrapping Chan in his arms. “We were- we were going to go get food after he performed.”
“He hasn’t, we will be sure he eats tomorrow. You can leave now,” Changbin spat.
“Hyung!” Hyunjin chastised and if Felix knew Changbin, he knew that Changbin would back off. Chan just sniffled.
“I- I am so sorry guys.” Jisung let out a bitter laugh, this surprising Felix. It surprised him, even more, when all of his feelings started to pour out of Jisung, every ache and pain being told to the one who caused them. He heard Jisung talk about how he heard Felix cry to himself when he thought everyone was asleep. Jisung said things Felix didn’t even say to the group and Felix felt a little bad for making Jisung worry so much that he kept them in his head. He heard Chan’s sniffles turn into sobs and turned in friend’s grasp to see Chan staring at him with such a broken look it made Felix want to close his eyes and forget that he was alive.
Chan looked devastated. For it to have been only a few hours after their fight, the prominent red rings around his eyes made Felix’s chest ache. Chan’s bleach damaged hair was more unruly than usual and the tear tracks on his cheeks caused Felix more pain than he thought they would. Felix’s eyes trailed down to see a bouquet of flowers in his hand, some of the flowers missing petals. The knuckles on his hand looked bloody, scraped and scuffed. Felix didn’t want to think about where those wounds came from.
The dorm was suddenly silent, Chan visibly choking his sobs down as Felix stared at him. Chan walked closer to Felix when the younger boy sat up, only stopping when Minho grabbed his arm. Felix stood and walked closer to him, staring at his feet so he didn’t have to see how broken Chan looked.
“Felix, baby, I- I am so sorry,” Chan whispered, voice tight like speaking was hurting him but he was doing it just for Felix. “I should have been more considerate, I should have been more observant. God, I should have just been more.” Chan started to break down again, and Felix didn’t hold himself back from hugging his boyfriend. He might be pissed and hurt, but Chan obviously looked like he regretted even breathing in Felix’s existence.
“Promise not to do it again?”
“I promise, oh my god I promise,” Chan whispered, and Felix nodded, kissing the older boy’s collar bone through his shirt.
“I forgive you,” Felix whispered and it was like that is all it took for Chan to break fully, sobbing into Felix’s shoulder, alternating between whispering “I love you” and “I’m sorry.” Felix just held him close, silent tears of his own dripping off his chin. Chan’s grip was so tight that it was hard to breathe, but Felix didn’t care. Breathing was irrelevant because his baby was sad and that would always be more important. He knew they had a lot to talk about, so many kink and tears they needed to mend, but if it meant that he could keep Chan in his life, he was willing to do anything, including suffocate.
+ i.
Felix walked through the chilly aquarium, small hand locked in Chan’s larger one. It was there three year anniversary and Felix was due to graduate soon. Chan had finally been promoted and life was easier for him. It was easier for both of them. The small apartment was much different than the dorm since it was only them and their two cats, Snow and Storm.
There was no Jisung barging in Felix’s room at one am to make a TikTok but Chan snuggling closer to him, nose rubbing line against Felix’s neck as they cuddled. There was no Seungmin making him soup when he had a runny nose but instead, Chan, being the paranoid, overprotective boyfriend he is, calling the hospital if Felix had a fever. There was no Hyunjin who would beg for affection and love but Chan sitting behind him on the couch, face being hidden in Felix’s neck as the younger did his homework, legs bunched up on both sides of Felix’s ribs. It was perfect.
Except for one thing.
Felix gripped Chan’s hand tighter and lead him over to the whale sharks, quietly gasping at how big they looked. They come to this same aquarium every year, on the anniversary of their first date, and yet every time Felix always forgets how majestic every animal is. Chan squeezed his hand, flashing him a bright smile when Felix diverted his attention from the sharks that were swimming to the other side of their exhibit to his boyfriend. Felix squeezed his hand back, feeling a significant lack of metal on one finger.
That was the problem.
“These fish are almost as graceful as you,” Chan giggled, dropping Felix’s hand to slide behind him and koala him into a back hug. Felix placed his hands over Chan’s where they were clasped on his tummy.
“You little charmer,” Felix smiled, leaning back into Chan. The sturdiness of his chest made him feel right at home, even if they were hours away from their apartment. (He hoped Jisung and Minho were treating his furry babies right.)
“I can’t help it,” Chan purred quietly into Felix’s ear, breath washing over the side of his face. Felix let his eyes slip closed, heart racing a bit. It always raced when Chan was near him, he was beginning to think it might be a medical issue.
“Here’s a concept, maybe don’t make me melt in public,” Felix whined, bottom lip jutting out into an exaggerated pout. He didn’t care that Chan couldn’t see him, this was rude and the people around him needed to know. (There were no people around him. They always came really early to avoid most of the crowd. It was nice, calming, and peaceful. Or maybe that’s just because Chan was there.)
“Here’s a concept, no.” Chan laughed, making stomp his feet. The whale shark came back into view and the both of them quieted, watching the animal glide through the water. It was beautiful. Felix wanted to experience this forever; his body locked in Chan’s embrace as the two of them watched something mesmerizing.
“Here’s another concept, you and me getting married.” Felix was thankful that he was facing away from Chan as he said that, wanting nothing more than to avoid eye contact because god was he flustered. Obviously, that didn’t last long since he did just kind of propose to Chan. The older boy turned him around, eyes wide and jaw slack. Felix just smiled.
“I- you’re serious?” Chan asked, voice quiet and shy, his sparkly eyes holding a softness to him that Felix rarely saw. Felix just giggled and nodded, his small palm finding a home on Chan’s cheek.
“Of course I’m serious,” Felix whispered, fingers brushing over Chan’s soft skin. “You’re the love of my life, Chan. I’d marry you any day. I don’t have any rings right now or else I would formally propose.” Felix watched as Chan let out a soft exhale, eyes glistening. He didn’t inhale for a moment, only a second or two. Felix felt proud that he wasn’t the breathless person this time. Chan wrapped him into a hug, pressing a wet kiss on the skin of Felix’s neck. The younger squealed at the feeling but responded to his hug enthusiastically, holding Chan as tight as he could.
They hugged for a long time, and Felix probably assumed it was because Chan was crying. (He wasn’t going to say anything, but the hot, wet trails running down his skin were hard to miss.) Chan pulled back from the hug and immediately took a box from his jacket pocket. It wasn’t hard to understand what that was. Felix stared at Chan in shock.
“I bought them almost a year ago, I just haven’t found the right time to propose. It seems you beat me to it, darling,” Chan smiled, wiping his face quickly before opening the box and grabbing the ring out of it, slipping it on Felix’s finger with no hesitation.
“I have to get you one,” Felix whispered staring at his hand before grabbing Chan’s, ring adding the perfect amount of pressure. “Your finger looks naked.”
Chan just laughed at him, shaking his head fondly. He pressed a kiss to Felix’s finger, the silver of the band glistening in the light.
“I’ll be waiting, darling.” Felix didn’t mention that the rose gold ring was waiting in his book bag at home but he figured it could wait. It would be another excuse to make Chan breathless again.