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“Want a drink?”
Lena blinks away her thoughts and looks up to see a woman sliding onto the bar stool beside her. Blonde, like the one she was just thinking of, that Lena has to do a double-take. She smiles tightly when she confirms that it isn’t in fact Kara who offered her a drink.
“No, thank you,” Lena replies politely. She lifts her own glass, empty save for one last sip of whiskey. “And sorry. I’m not…”
She trails off. She is not interested. Not looking for a fling. Sure, that was her original intention when she went here; to grab a drink and find someone to go home with, who could make her scream and come over and over until she forgets about Kara.
She gives the stranger a quick once-over. This blonde could be her type; she’s wearing a red tee and a brown leather jacket from what Lena could see. She’s smiling at Lena, like she’s… amused. Yes. She could definitely be Lena’s type. If she wasn’t fucking in love with her best friend, that is. Technically, Lena is single and could sleep with whoever she wanted, including this gorgeous blond stranger if she was down for it—to release her frustration, to have fun, to forget— but she doesn’t want to. The guilt washes over her again. She doesn’t know where it comes from.
“I’m not interested,” she manages to say.
“I’m married,” the blonde stranger replies, then lifts her left hand to show a plain gold band. She grins just as Lena blushes.
“I’m… Sorry for assuming,” Lena murmurs. God. That was embarrassing. She wills for the ground to open up and eat her whole.
The stranger chuckles and shakes her head, then asks the bartender for a Budweiser. Great. Must everything remind Lena of Kara?
“No problem. Just thought you could use a refill and some company.” She grins again. Lena finishes her last swig just as the stranger thanks the bartender for the bottle of beer handed to her. “I’m Carol, by the way.”
Lena’s eyebrows shoot up. The blonde, Carol, notices, and she laughs knowingly.
“What?”
Lena shakes her head and gestures the bartender for a refill. “Nothing.”
“It’s not nothing.”
Lena scrunches her nose and glances at Carol. “It’s just amusing to find a blonde named Carol. In a gay bar.”
Carol laughs. “I mean. I do kind of get that a lot.”
Lena smiles and shakes her head fondly. Maybe she could use the company after all. “I’m Lena,” she finally says. She lifts her glass of whiskey to clink with Carol’s beer bottle. “Nice to meet you, Carol.”
“Likewise, Lena,” the blonde shoots back. Lena locks gazes with her. Bright blue eyes, very much like—
The universe seems to be fucking with her tonight.
“What’s got you drinking all alone tonight, Lena?” Carol asks, breaking her thoughts. Lena is grateful.
“I could ask you the same question,” she shoots back with a small smile. “Where’s Therese?”
Carol rolls her eyes playfully. “Oh, haha.” She smiles behind her bottle as she takes a sip. “I’m just dropping by National City to see my cousins because my squadron’s visiting San Diego. But,” she pauses, lowers her bottle on the counter, then smiles in that fond way people thinking of whoever they were hopelessly in love with do. “She’s back home in Louisiana, tinkering with an old plane.”
Interesting. An engineer, perhaps? And the mention of a squadron; was Carol a pilot? Before she could ask, the blonde’s looking at her. “Now. Your turn.”
At that, Lena sighs and smiles in the wistful way the hopeless do. “I wanted to… distract myself,” she admits softly as she swirls the amber liquid in her glass. “Which proves futile, to be honest, because I can’t stop thinking about—” She bites her lip. This is a safe space, she reminds herself. “About her.”
Carol offers her a sympathetic nod. “That bad, huh?”
Lena laughs but it lacks of cheer. “You could say that.” She shrugs and sips her drink before setting it down with another sigh. A part of her wants to just let it all out, spill her heart to this stranger who she might never meet again. Carol was just dropping by, after all. The chances they would meet would be slim; then again, if she does tell her life story, Carol would probably freak out and run away to the hills screaming because of Lena’s drama.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Carol asks, her voice soft like she knows Lena is thinking about it.
Lena bites her lip. “Weren’t you going to see your cousins?”
Carol shrugs and sips her beer again. “I was, but they called just before I went up to you to say they had something to deal with.” She shakes her head in amusement. “Typical of them, really. But that means I have some time.”
Lena eyes her warily. Carol at least seems earnest in her offer. When Lena doesn’t speak after a few more minutes, Carol smiles warmly.
“Unless of course, you want me out of your hair.”
Another sigh, another sip of her whiskey, another wistful smile. “I’d appreciate it,” Lena admits. She doesn’t have a choice; it’s this, or returning home to an empty apartment and her screaming thoughts—her worst fears and insecurities. She could call her therapist, but she doesn’t need a therapist. She needs a friend.
It just so happens that she has literally one (1) friend, and… well. She can’t talk about her problems with said friend, when her problems involve said one (1) friend.
Carol smiles and turns slightly on her seat to face Lena. The raven-haired woman stares at her drink. “I’ve recently realized that I’m in love with my best friend,” she begins, and Carol’s smile turns familiar.
“Go on,” she urges when Lena pauses. Lena bites her lip.
“I think that pretty much sums it up,” she says with a small laugh. “She’s my best friend. My only friend, really,” she adds with another mirthless chuckle, “and I- I don’t know what to do.”
“Well. Do you want to be with her?” Carol asks.
Lena blinks at her owlishly. Does she? The mere idea of it makes her heart race. Being with Kara, even right now, makes her happy, and that’s saying something considering for the longest time, no one would touch her with a ten-foot pole. “I mean. I think I do.” She licks her lips. “Yes. She… She makes me a better person.”
Carol nods, that knowing smile still on her lips. “But?”
A sigh. “But I’m terrified that it would ruin our friendship,” Lena continues.
“Ain’t it always that?” Carol shoots back, far too quickly like she has had this conversation before. It must seem apparent on Lena’s face because Carol faces her fully. “You’re scared that you’ll either ruin your friendship now, or that it’ll ruin the relationship you have down the line.”
There’s a cold chill down Lena’s spine and she feels hollow all of a sudden at the thought of either. Carol smiles sadly. “Am I right?”
Lena swallows thickly. When she speaks, her voice cracks. “I definitely don’t like the idea of losing my best friend just so I could have, what, additional benefits?”
Carol hums softly. “I mean. I think cuddling and sex and having someone love you unconditionally are pretty nice benefits.”
Lena tries not to blush at that. “She loves me unconditionally,” she defends, then sighs. Again. “You know. The way friends do.”
Carol stares at Lena then slowly nods. “Right, right. Did I mention the sex?”
Lena shakes her head but she does smile. It’s comforting that she had the luck to have such conversation with a total stranger. Lena wonders if it’s because she is very much like Kara.
Carol grins. “Okay. It’s clear that you’re each other’s best friends, and you care a whole lot about each other. I get why you’re terrified of… possibly messing things up.”
“It’s a risk,” Lena points out. The whiskey she sips burns her throat. “One I don’t think I’m brave enough to take. I’m too scared to.”
Have her ride a burning helicopter across National City or fall from her L-Corp office balcony. Have her face Lex himself, gun in his hand, barrel on her skull. She’ll rather face those fears instead of Kara and look her in the eye with a proclamation of love on her lips. Even facing her worst nightmares couldn’t compare to the fear that envelopes her heart at the thought of possibly losing Kara in her hopes of love returned. She can’t. Kara loves her, and though it isn’t in ways Lena craves, Kara does, and it should be enough. Lena has taken careful measures to make sure that despite her recently acknowledged feelings, nothing would change between her and Kara for the fear of the bubbly blonde finding out. It’s easier said than done, but thankfully, being a Luthor means she could act like she’s fine even when her heart races at Kara’s mere voice. Even when she feels like she could melt at Kara’s softest touch. When Kara looks at Lena, she looks at her like she matters, and for a moment Lena could pretend that Kara loves her the way she does, and Lena feels like she could give up everything for Kara.
Lena would. In a heartbeat. She would give up everything, but not Kara. Never Kara. Lena has lost a lot, lost too many, and for all the strength she gained from all of them, she doesn’t think her heart could handle losing Kara.
In hindsight, she supposes she failed in guarding said heart from falling for her best friend. Then again, she didn’t know she would. Then again, would it really be possible for her to not fall in love with sunshine personified? Lena has always believed in alternate universes and parallel worlds, but if there is a Lena Luthor out there who knows Kara Danvers the way she does, she thinks that Lena would be in love with that Kara, too. If not at this very moment, then someday down the line, that alternate Lena will realize she is, after all this time.
After all, that is where Lena is right now.
Carol breaks her reverie. “Aren’t you more scared of the unknown?”
Lena feels exhaustion seep in her bones. Maybe it’s the alcohol finally kicking in. “I can’t risk—”
“Yeah, yeah, can’t risk losing her,” Carol says with a bob of her head. “But it’s just a possibility.”
Lena sighs again. “I’m not brave enough.”
“Listen, Lena. Trust me when I say I’ve been there,” Carol says. “But I think love, and I mean true love, isn’t for those who are terrified of heartbreak or fearful of rejection. It’s for those who can live with pain instead of the harrowing regret of the unknown, you know? Because I think at the end of the day, those are the kinds of regrets that keep us awake wondering ‘what if.’ Sure, if things don’t go your way, it’ll hurt, but isn’t that what love is? Making yourself vulnerable to others. Inviting them in even if you know they might not stay. That they might take everything you have left in you when they leave and that you’ll have nothing.”
Carol lets out a small breath and smiles. “But what if they stay? What if you get what it is you’ve been craving for?”
“Aren’t you the optimist,” Lena retorts.
The blonde grins. “I just firmly believe that love is worth risking a lot of things for. Either you get the love you’ve always deserved or you become stronger when everything has burned down and you rise like phoenix from the ash, however that song goes. What doesn’t kill you makes your stronger and all that.”
Lena wants to laugh. No, she’s not strong enough. It could kill her. Lena swallows the cotton in her throat. Carol seems dead set on her position and Lena just feels tired. “Why are you telling me this?” She asks, voice cracking once more.
Carol grins, though there’s a look in her eyes that seems to understand Lena’s doubts. “I might not be able to see you again, so I’m giving you the best advice I can give.”
Lena scoffs. “By asking me to risk everything.”
“How else will you gain anything?”
“Isn’t enough to be satisfied with what I have?” Lena retaliates.
Carol pauses, then nods firmly. “Are you happy when she’s around?”
God. Yes. How many times does Lena have to answer that? “Like I’ve never been.”
“Sooner or later, hiding it will eat at you,” Carol carefully says. It hangs Lena’s heart on edge. “The fear, those what ifs. I get it, you want to keep your friendship, but at what cost of your heart and soul?”
Lena blinks at Carol. The words hit close to home and she stares at her glass. “I suppose.”
Carol studies her quietly as Lena contemplates her thoughts. Could she keep wearing her masks around Kara as she tries to bury her feelings? It’s difficult, but Lena is nothing if not resilient.
And yet, Lena can’t help but hang on to Carol’s words. What if they stay? What if you get what it is you’ve been craving for?
What if?
What if Kara loves her back?
Carol’s phone rings. It makes both of them jump, but Carol only laughs apologetically and fishes her phone out of her jacket. “Oops. This is my cousin. I have to go.” She answers the phone. “Hold up, punk,” she tells whoever it was on the other line, then looks at Lena earnestly.
“Look,” Carol starts with a sigh. “I get that you’re terrified. It’s normal. That’s what you’re supposed to feel. You don’t have do it now. Or ever, actually. Who am I to tell you what to do anyway?” She grins. “But I hope you think it over, and when the time comes, I hope you find the courage to go for it.”
She smiles and pats Lena’s forearm, then slides a few bills on the counter. “For mine and hers,” she tells the bartender, then she’s sliding off her barstool and making a beeline for the door as she laughs on the phone.
“Carol,” Lena calls out. The blonde turns around, phone still on her ear. Though Lena set out tonight for a different reason, she is glad Carol found her. Lena smiles at her in gratitude. “Thank you.”
Carol just grins and gives Lena the two-finger salute before walking out of the bar. Lena lets out a heavy sigh when she’s gone, before looking at her glass. She empties it with a quick swig. She asks the bartender to refill it as she drowns in her thoughts once more.
Despite her desperation to bury her feelings away, they crawl out of her chest and storm butterflies in her stomach every time Kara is around. It’s exhausting, and there are nights she would cry quietly until she has fallen asleep because Kara held her just a few hours before like she is all that mattered in the world. Lena doesn’t know how long she could keep the charade up.
But was she really ready to sacrifice the best friendship, the best person she has ever had in her entire life, for a slim chance of a further relationship? Even with Lena wishing for the best, she isn’t entirely sure she is ready.
But what if Carol’s right? What if Kara chooses to stay? Then great. Her heart could heal in Kara’s hands. But if Carol’s wrong, well. Then she would just have to let go. Maybe return to Metropolis, find a therapist, lock herself away in the labs.
She will burn the bridge when she gets there.
What if, what if, what if?
Lena sighs once more, finishes the drink set in front of her, then leaves the bar. She hails a cab and has it speeding for Kara’s apartment. Lena arrives in record time, and every step towards Kara is a step towards the edge.
All she could wish is that the fall isn’t too far below.
Or maybe, just maybe, Kara is there to catch her.
She knocks with three sharp raps on the door. It opens before she could really second-guess herself.
“Lena!” Kara exclaims, a confused but happy smile on her lips. “You’re here.”
Lena smiles shakily and runs her hand through her hair. She can’t even look at Kara directly with the nerves in her veins. “Kara, I—” She blinks as she notices two figures behind Kara. Alex. And— “Wait, Carol?”
The other blonde blinks and gives Lena a small wave. Alex looks at them in confusion just as Kara steps aside.
“Wait. You know each other?” Kara laughs.
“Yeah.” Lena furrows her eyebrows. “How do you know each other?”
Kara gestures to Carol, still with that confused smile on her lips. “She’s my cousin. I thought you two knew each other.”
“First names,” Carol clarifies.
“Right.” Kara pushes her glasses up in that endearing way that makes Lena’s knees weak. “Well. Lena, this is my cousin, Captain Carol Danvers. Carol, this is my best friend, Lena Luthor.”
Carol blinks, then her mouth parts open as if in realization. Lena could hear her pounding heartbeat in her ears. Carol turns abruptly to Alex.
“Hey, weren’t you meaning to show me your new bike?” She asks.
It’s Alex’s turn to furrow her eyebrows. “Wha—”
Carol pushes Alex by the shoulders and guides her towards the door. “Come on. Nice to meet you, Lena!” She says, ignoring Alex’s protests, and they’re out of the apartment without another word. Lena could only stare at the door.
Kara laughs awkwardly. “What was that all about?” She turns to Lena. “Are you okay?”
No. Lena isn’t okay. She wrings her hands in front of her as she looks at Kara. Blue eyes turn worried and she reaches for Lena’s hands. It soothes away Lena’s fears, though only partly, as all her thoughts drown her and she feels a panic attack coming on.
“Lena,” Kara says, voice soft and firm, a lighthouse in the storm Lena finds herself in. Kara anchors her with her touch, strong hands on Lena’s trembling ones, and the unwavering concern in her eyes makes Lena want to curl up in her arms instead. “I got you. What is it?”
Lena jumps over the edge.
“Is everyone decent?”
It’s well past midnight when the door shuts quietly. Lena looks up from where she has her head buried in the crook of Kara’s neck. Her eyes feel swollen from crying and her throat feels stuffy. They are curled up in the couch after a very emotionally-draining conversation but here they were, whole, and the ground Lena expected to fall on to is far below her as she flies, weightless. In Kara’s arms.
“Hey Carol,” Kara greets her cousin.
Carol walks in and grins. “I have to go now because we’re leaving first thing in the morning and I have to drive back.” She shows the pair her keys. “Alex is going to go, too, but she didn’t want to come with lest she walked into something… scarring.”
Kara shakes her head in amusement. “Alright. Thanks for dropping by. And I’m sorry I got, um, preoccupied.”
“Nothing to worry about, littlest Danvers.” Carol grins and eyes Lena. “See you both around.”
Lena extracts herself from her arms and tells Kara she wants to talk to Carol. Kara just nods and smiles. The raven-haired woman walks up to Carol. The other blonde glances at Kara.
“No eavesdropping,” she warns, then looks at Lena again. “So. I’ll see you at your wedding.”
Lena laughs and looks at Kara, who’s pouting on the couch. “We aren’t even together yet.”
Carol smirks. “Yeah, but I’ve seen the way Kara looks at you in the three seconds I had before I graciously gave you space.” They laugh softly. “And I’ve heard you talk about her, and Alex told me she knew you two were in love with each other before it even dawned on the two of you. So.”
Lena shakes her head in amusement. She glances at Kara to find the blonde looking at her. A slow smile spreads on Kara’s lips, one that Lena mirrors, joy untethered in her heart. “I hope you’re right.”
“I’m always right,” Carol points out. “And, I’m supposed to give you the shovel talk and all that but I spent a good hour of listening to you proclaim your undying love for my cousin, so I think I’ll let you off easy.”
“Um. Thank you?” Lena chuckles.
Carol grins, then pats Lena’s shoulder. “See you around, Luthor.”
“See you around, Captain.”