Archive of Our Own ^beta

缘分 (yuánfèn) : The natural affinity felt between certain people. Yuan ( 缘 ) describes the 'serendipity' by which people are brought together whereas fen ( 分 ) refers to the 'binding force' that keeps the connection alive and thriving.

These innate relationships — whether romantic, platonic or familial — are destined to happen and readily made to withstand all odds, including petty feuds, long distance or loss and heartache.

Taehyung leans over the sink and stares at himself in the bathroom mirror.

His reflection looks back at him, but the uncanny resemblance to the picture perfect idol the world sees isn’t there. Instead he sees a much real version. Blue hair, bare faced, no makeup white washing him as it revealed his true tan colour, the almost imperceptible trace of stubble along his jaw.

He reaches out and touches the scar adjacent his lips on his right. To be completely honest, he doesn’t even remember how or when he got it. It had always been there ever since he was a kid. But usually no one saw it. It was layered under heavy amounts of concealer and makeup, and most photos were edited anyways, whether they be official or fansites.

Taehyung wonders what it would be like if one day he suddenly stopped looking like this, if he went out sporting a grotesque scar marring his face instead of the unblemished skin, white smile displayed for the world every single time. Would he lose his job? Possibly if he couldn’t get it fixed quickly. Would anyone still care about him if he was flawed? He’d been praised for his good looks many times but he never flaunted it. He loved dressing himself up but still preferred keeping a low profile. He just wants people to see him for his personality, not just his looks. He didn’t want to be a porcelain doll sat for display.

But staring at the face dubbed ‘CGV’ in the mirror, he wonders whether that would ever be possible. Would he always be just a pretty face?

Will anyone ever love him for who he is instead of what he is?

He knows his family loves him. He had the members who were closer than brothers to him. They weren’t there for his fame or money or looks. They’d grown up together, suffered through a lot together. The hyungs always looked out for him.  Jimin would always be there for him. And Jeongguk…

Taehyung sighs as he turns on the tap and splashes cold water on his face. Sometimes when he was alone, the darkest thoughts in the recesses of his mind vied for attention. He quenches the bitterness instantly. Jeongguk loved him and Taehyung knows that. It was enough, wasn’t it? They were a family, there wasn’t, there shouldn’t be, anything more to it.

 He’d been thinking too much lately, and even Jimin was starting to notice his lack of contribution in speech. He himself doesn’t know why, exactly. He’s a pretty talkative person, definitely not an introvert and yet… even Yoongi and Jeongguk seemed to talk a lot more than he did these days. He just feels too tired sometimes.

The water is cold enough to break his chain of thoughts for a moment. He quickly finishes washing off and grabs his towel. He doesn’t want to prolong his stay any more than necessary, because someone else might already be waiting outside for their turn. Perks of living with six other extremely hygienic (Jeongguk and Hoseok) and impatient (Yoongi and Seokjin) guys. Go figure.

Taehyung throws open the door and nearly bumps into a stock still Jeongguk  Was he sleepwalking again? The younger grunts out a ‘morning’, definitely not sleepwalking, just drowsy, and stumbles into the bathroom Taehyung just vacated.

He doesn’t even bother to close the door, not that it mattered anyway, and promptly starts brushing his teeth.

Taehyung pauses in the doorway, looking back at the younger. His rumpled t-shirt, messy bed hair-which was actually quite a bit coarse, not the shiny smooth effect of hair product- the light traces of the barely there acne, the scar on his cheek.

This was the real Jeongguk, the one the world didn’t get to see. And he was beautiful. Taehyung would prefer the puffy eyes and hair sticking up in haphazard directions to the camera ready face any day. But then again, who was he to think such things?

Jeongguk finally notices him in the mirror and meets his eyes on the reflection. Taehyung jolts because for a moment he had actually spaced out. Jeongguk turns around, removing the toothbrush.

“You want something?” he asks, raising his eyebrows.

His mouth is covered in white foam but Taehyung doesn’t mind. He actually finds it adorable. Not that he says so.

“Nah” Taehyung says, trying to sound nonchalant. Jeongguk doesn’t seem to buy it, but Taehyung is already turning away, trudging back to his room.

He greets a sleepy Namjoon on his way to get his morning coffee, and shuts himself in his room.

He doesn’t notice Jeongguk’s eyes lingering on him until he disappears into his room, right adjacent to the younger’s own.

✧

Taehyung removes his coat as soon as he steps inside. He looks down at the beige and black of Yeontan’s coat flashing in his periphery as the dog skips around, whining at the loss of fresh air.

“Hush, Tan-ah” Taehyung croons, softly stroking the beautiful coat, trying to calm him down. He’d taken Yeontan out for a walk, and he admits that the fresh air had done them both a lot of good. But it was starting to get colder and he hadn’t dared risk Yeontan getting cold, so he’d had to drag a very unwilling Pomeranian inside.

He unclasps the leash, winding it around his own arm instead and starts making his way up the stairs to their apartment. Yeontan obediently follows, hopefully awaiting the snack Taehyung rewarded him with after every walk.

As he passes the gym, Taehyung hears a soft giggle, obviously belonging to Jimin. He pokes his head in, and spots his best friend and Hoseok inside.

They two of them were sitting on the floor, seemingly taking a break from whatever exercise they had been pushing themselves through. They took their physical fitness extremely seriously and Taehyung is surprised Jeongguk wasn’t with them.

Hoseok spots Taehyung first.

“Taehyungie” he grins, waving. Jimin turns and flashes him a smile. “Wanna come join us?”

Taehyung makes a face at him. “No thanks, hyung. I just came back from a walk. Gotta feed Tannie or else he’s gonna chew my slippers for revenge.”

Jimin laughs at him. “Alright. Don’t forget our movie binge tonight though. We haven’t had one in so long!”

Taehyung gives him a little salute. “Aye aye. I’ll be in your room with snacks. Better kick Hoseokie hyung out though.” he says wickedly.

Hoseok narrows his eyes at them. “You’re kicking me out of my own room?” he asks incredulously.

“It’s my room too hyung.” Jimin says, smirking at the elder.

“And why can’t you just go to Taehyung’s room and leave me in peace?” Hoseok asks, wrinkling his nose at them.

“Because your room is bigger” Taehyung whines. “Bigger places are always the best for movie marathons” He puts on his most adorable pout, knowing Hoseok wasn’t strong enough to resist.

Hoseok merely rolls his eyes. “Well then I’m gonna go and enjoy a movie with Jeonggukkie and his high tech gadgets, who coincidentally has a bigger screen. That’ll make you two regret.” He sticks out his tongue at them playfully and Jimin bursts out laughing.

Taehyung grins, but he suddenly feels his mood dampen. Jeongguk hadn’t asked him over in a while, and Taehyung didn’t go barging like he used to do either. Times changed.

Yeontan starts fidgeting again- scuffing the floor with his tiny paws, obviously impatient to be fed.

Taehyung clears his throat. “Tannie is hungry. I’ll catch you later.” He slips out of the gym again, closing the door behind him. He can still hear Jimin and Hoseok’s muffled voices as he briskly makes his way up. He nods a greeting at Yoongi who was shuffling around in the kitchen and finally reaches the comfort of his room.

He quickly grabs Yeontan’s snacks and puts them in a bowl for him, then proceeds to shed his outer layers and get into something comfortable.

The room is quiet except for the hum of the air conditioning and Yeontan’s scuffles. Taehyung sits on the bed as he stares out of the window- The street below, tiny cars passing, their colours flashing in the fading sunlight.

It felt like a painful reminder, how people with normal lives went about their daily routines. Most of them had little variation, unlike his, which was unpredictable as a storm cloud. He might be considered privileged with everything he had, but sometimes he wishes he was just like them, that he didn’t have to try to be perfect for everyone all the time, that a single misstep wouldn’t make his career come crashing down.

Fame wasn’t an easy thing to deal with. Especially when it affected the decisions of his personal life.

But Taehyung was happy right now. No matter that there were some things he wished were different. He was comfortable. He was with his friends. Every good thing came with a price. He’d just accept it.

Taehyung closes his eyes as he flops down onto the mattress. He was content with what he has. He was living his best life. He wouldn’t want to change anything about it.

Taehyung tries to convince himself that it’s true.

✧

“Oppa, will you be visiting soon?”

Taehyung purses his lips, trying to keep his expression neutral.

“No love. I won’t be able to right now. I still have a lot of work.”

His sister pouts at him though the screen and Taehyung can’t help the chuckle that slips out.

“You’re so clingy, just like a ten year old.” he teases and grins at his sister’s murderous expression.

“I’m never talking to you again.” she huffs, standing up from the chair in front of the Webcam.

Taehyung rushes to acquiesce. “Hey, please don’t go! You know I’m just kidding! I love you!”

His sister just rolls her eyes, but a small smile tugs at the corner of her mouth at his whiny tone, and Taehyung knows he’s forgiven.

Taehyung had always been a family oriented person, and even the grainy images from the camera and the tinny voices filtering in from the microphone felt like heaven. He always tried to make time to phone them at least once a week, more if time allowed.

Hearing his younger siblings chatter to him about their day, as if he wasn’t cities away, and listening to his mom’s soothing voice telling him take care of himself, it was all rare pleasures he treasured.

His brother drops by the chair their sister just vacated. “Hey hyung!” he grins brightly, and Taehyung thanks the heavens that he has such wonderful siblings. His brother starts recounting the story of a cute girl he’d met recently, and Taehyung indulges him, being an older brother for a little while instead of a multimillionaire idol whose face was plastered all over Seoul.

Sometimes he wishes he was still a normal boy living in Daegu. Wonders what it would feel like to bicker with his brother, pick up his sister after school. He wishes he was closer to them. They did talk a lot, but there’s only so much you can do when you only see your own family a couple of times a year. It was a price he had to pay to get where he was, and to stay there.

After deeming that he had spent enough time relaxing he finally decides to hang up. Talking to his family felt comforting but he feels the weariness in his bones. They’d traveled so much in such a short time that it sometimes took Taehyung a while to remember whether they were actually in their home or in a hotel somewhere around the globe when he woke up.

Taehyung leans back on the chair and rubs his eyes. He suddenly hears the door of his bedroom opening and quiet footfalls as someone pads in. They don’t knock or ask permission, and he feels the bed behind him creak as they sat down. From the implications he knows exactly who it is.

“Jiminie,” Taehyung says, turning around. “Can we maybe go-“ he stops in his tracks and stares.

There was indeed someone sitting on his bed, but that someone was definitely not Jimin.

Jeongguk blinks at him.  “Sorry, not Jimin.”

Taehyung doesn’t say anything, just keeps staring and Jeongguk bites his lip, looking uncomfortable.

“Uh, I’ll go get Jimin hyung if you want..?”

Taehyung shakes his head “No, it’s-It’s fine. I-I was just surprised it was you.”

Jeongguk grunts in acknowledgement, but his eyes flick away from Taehyung, looking everywhere except at him.

“Do you need anything?” Taehyung asks, but regrets asking it the moments it’s out of his mouth.

Jeongguk freezes up. Taehyung can hear the silent question. A few years ago, that would never have been a question. Wherever Jeongguk was, there was Taehyung and vice versa. They were practically attached at the hip. But a lot of things had happened since then, and it was no longer the carefree days of earlier.

Jeongguk seemed to visibly deflate. He didn’t look angry, more resigned. Taehyung tries to amend.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound rude, I just-“

“It’s okay hyung.” Jeongguk gives him a small smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He stands up, stretching his arms over his head.

“I just dropped by because I was bored. But I actually remembered something I have to do. See you later.” with that he trudges back out of the room, softly closing the door behind him.

Taehyung stares at it, wondering where they went wrong. From sleeping in each other’s beds every single night to asking permission to enter the other’s room. Was it all part of growing up? But Taehyung knows the answer, had known for a long time. He sighs and closes his eyes, letting his head fall back to the back of the chair. He feels empty and alone, desolate. It had less to do with boredom or lack of company but more to do with the boy, young man, who just walked out of his door, not once looking back.

Taehyung wonders whether Jeongguk knows too.

✧

Comeback season was expected in a few months so they all had work to occupy themselves. But their days were mostly schedule free, so in between Taehyung found time to indulge in his hobbies.

His greatest joy was, of course, his very first self produced song. He had looked up to how Namjoon, Yoongi and Hoseok worked hard to make their music along with the Bighit team, how they released their own mixtapes. They had always been his role models, especially Yoongi, and releasing his own song had been Taehyung’s dream since debut. After a few years even Jeongguk had gotten into composing for the albums, but Taehyung never got his chance except a little bit of co-writing and producing here and there. But finally, after six years down the road, he’d managed it and him being happy about was an understatement.

But even so, Taehyung  needed to distract himself from music for a while-get rid of the melodies and basses pounding relentlessly at his skull- which is how he found himself in his art room. He had bought some paint and canvasses and made his own little niche after moving into their new apartment, and he found himself always going there when he needed some space to just relax.

Taehyung  picks up a brush and stares at the assortment of pigments laid out, finally dipping the brush into the black. It was basic-everything needed a touch of black. It was easy.

As he lets his hand roam over the white page, Taehyung doesn’t think. Just lets his instinct take over as the black splatters across the page, converting it into a semblance of something. He bites his bottom lip, concentrating on the flow of colour across white page.

The soft sound of piano music drifts in through the door which was left slightly ajar. For a split second Taehyung thinks it’s Yoongi, wondering why he wasn’t using his own one at the Genius lab but it doesn’t take him too long to recognize the Roy Kim piece being played and the stutter of an off key here and there.

Jeongguk

The younger’s multitude of hobbies and interests were infinite, but nevertheless he seemed to get the hang of almost everything in a relatively short while, no matter what it was.

Jeongguk had once said that he admired Taehyung’s patience at achieving what he wanted step by step, whilst he rushed into everything all at once. While Taehyung appreciated his sentiment, he himself always thought that Jeongguk’s impulsiveness suited the younger quite well. He’d started on the piano around a year ago, and he had improved drastically. And now he was finding a new urge to box. To be completely honest, Taehyung wouldn’t understand him, but he was Jeongguk, and that was enough for the six of them to fawn over the younger no matter what.

Jeongguk keeps playing, piece after piece and Taehyung keeps painting, mixing seemingly random colours and patterns, but he knows what he’s doing. At one point, he lays off the brush and dips his fingers into the paint, seven fingers- one colour for each finger- and drags it over the canvas.

Taehyung admits that his former inspiration had been Van Gogh but this here, was his own style. Maybe some would laugh at it, or call it a stupid child’s drawing, but he couldn’t care less. He knew he wasn’t naturally gifted artist, may not have been born with it like Jeongguk and his family of artists, but his passion drove him.

He’d bought countless books and studied them, read through hundreds of blog posts and visited museum and art exhibitions. It was his passion, and he strove to create something meaningful to him. His friends had appreciated his work and that was the only validation Taehyung needed. Art was a free form to express oneself, and Taehyung thinks he does a pretty good job at it.

He stares at the end result, which he now recognizes as a self portrait of sorts he'd coined subconsciously. A quaver painted in black to make a face, a horizontal wavy line across it, a beret on top, a paw print as a single eye. The random colour strips from his fingers. Beauty is subjective, and looking at his finished piece gives Taehyung a sense of satisfaction. It was his creation.

Taehyung stares at it for a while, when he realizes that it’s eerily silent. He suddenly notices that the sound of the piano had stopped. Jeongguk must have gone back to his room. He doesn't know why but the silence suddenly feels oppressive. It makes him feel suffocated and he craves for some company.

Taehyung takes one last look at the painting  and covers it up, careful not to smudge the paint. Then he closes the studio and makes his way to the living room, where he knows at least one of his friends would be lounging.

He spots Jimin and Seokjin immediately. Jimin was sprawled on the sofa, scrolling through his phone. Seokjin was engrossed in a conversation with him, but Taehyung doesn't pay attention. He launches himself onto the sofa and directly into Jimin’s lap, curling himself around the smaller man comfortably. Jimin doesn't even flinch, merely keeps his eyes glued to the phone and hums at whatever Seokjin was saying.

"Jiminie" Taehyung whines, pouting. "I'm lonely and I need attention." he says, trying to get his friend to look at him.

Jimin sighs. "Oh Taetae. I'm sorry but I'm going out to meet my parents in a while. The hyungs are working, aren't they? Ask Jeonggukkie, he'll give you all the attention you need."

Taehyung puffs put a breath, pursing his lips. He hadn't seen Jeongguk after the younger came to visit his room last night. He wasn't sure whether the younger was still mad about it. So he sighs and turns to Seokjin instead.

"Hyung, I-" he starts but halts abruptly as he sees someone stand up next to Seokjin and make their way over to the kitchenette. Taehyung hadn't noticed Jeongguk sitting next to Seokjin over the elder’s broad frame.

Jeongguk rummages around in the fridge and returns with a drink in hand, picking up his phone where he’d left it on the sofa.

"Where are you going?" Seokjin asks, eyeing the younger man.

Jeongguk shrugs as if bored, or tired, or both. "I'm busy hyung. Got some recording and stuff to do. See you guys later."

Taehyung’s eyes follow the younger as he shuffles out of the room. He wonders why he was always hyper aware of Jeongguk’s presence somewhere, as if it was a flame and he was a moth constantly drawn to it. It was a feeling he couldn’t shake off. Taehyung watches until Jeongguk disappears, and closes his eyes.

"Taetae? You ok?" Jimin asks, fingers carding through Taehyung's hair and he realizes he's dropped off in the middle of a sentence.

“I think he's mad at me." Taehyung mumbles into Jimin’s shirt.

Jimin hums. "He’s not mad. Believe me, if he was, all of us would definitely have felt it by now. What happened this time?"

Taehyung grunts. "Nothing. I just.." he sighs, trailing off.

 Seokjin lets out a snigger. "Oh, you two are ridiculous sometimes, I swear. Jeongguk acts all grown up but he's still a petty child. Just go talk to him."

Jimin nods. "Yeah, you know how he is. He gets jealous at the most random things and holds grudges for ages. But he's always been soft for you."

"I remember him coming to my room to sleep when he was younger. I always asked him why he wasn't with you and he'd just grunt and I'd know he was salty about something. Specifically you." Seokjin says in a teasing voice.

Taehyung blushes and borrows his face further into Jimin's lap.

Jimin lets out a quiet chuckle. "But no matter how many times it happened, all it took was a hug and you being clingy the whole day for Jeongguk to forgive you. He wouldn't even remember it afterwards. Why don't you just try it now? I'm sure he's not immune to your charms even at this age."

And Taehyung wonders, couldn't he? Just hang off the younger the whole day? But he's scared Jeongguk would just get annoyed with him being a nuisance. Besides, he had work to do. It just wasn't an option, was it?

Taehyung says nothing, and after a while Seokjin resumes his conversation with Jimin. Taehyung tunes it out, his mind wandering to places he wished it wouldn't.

✧

Taehyung loves his job. Really, he does. Music had been a fundamental part of his life ever since he can remember and even though his childhood dreams had varied from becoming a doctor to a saxophone player to a painter, he really couldn’t imagine himself doing anything else other than this.

He felt empowered every time he got on stage, the blinding lights, the deafening cheers, the ocean of purple, the rush of adrenaline when they performed, his muscles kicking into the choreography practiced to rote, his vocal chords running through the melodies effortlessly after meticulous practice, the euphoria after the performance, the high of being appreciated for what he loved doing. It all encompassed into a multitude of feelings he could never give name to, but cherished with his every fiber of his being.

But sometimes..

Sometimes it suffocated him.

There were things they went through together, from the grabbing hands and flashing lights, eyes following everywhere, destroying their sense of peace. But those things could be borne if they were all in it together.

But some things, some less significant or noticeable things, were what hurt the most. It pulled him in and wrapped tight around his windpipe in an icy caress and squeezed until he choked, until there was no breath left. No life, no light. The tunnel vision stretched on forever and ever, he kept running, only for the light to taunt him as it stubbornly strayed further and further away.

Sometimes he wonders what his life would have been like, if this wasn’t the path he had chosen. But he cannot imagine his life without the six people who had become more precious than his own life to him.

He smiles at them sitting around the table. It was a quiet night, and the days had been relatively uneventful. They’d all been practicing and keeping to themselves, and tonight Seokjin had suggested a special dinner, just them, as a family.

 All their favorite dishes were laid out on the table, if a bit mismatched, but no one cared as they helped themselves to whatever they preferred. Japchae and kimchi and bibimbap and bulgogi, with chicken and beer and soju to go along.

Of course the addition on alcohol meant they were all pretty loose mouthed tonight. Hoseok was already red in the face, and Jimin’s eyes were uncharacteristically bright. Taehyung watches Yoongi down shots as if he were consuming mere coke instead of burning alcohol, all the while giggling at Namjoon loudly speaking in a weird half Korean half English mashup.

Taehyung had never understood why they loved it, he himself found the taste too bitter. He only consumed either wine or champagne when it came to alcohol. The others teased him about his expensive tastes, but well, sue him. He’d much rather stick to his faithful, bubbly, sugary soda, thank you very much.

Taehyung suddenly remembers the first time he got drunk. Needless to say, he’d been completely out of it and wreaked havoc, and had been reprimanded by both Namjoon and his manager alike. But the memory still brought a thrill, dancing with Jimin, singing himself hoarse with Seokjin, in the car with Jeongguk…

He shakes his head. He really didn’t want his thoughts traipsing down unwanted roads. Some things were better left in the past. Taehyung takes a swig of his soda, aggressively swallowing it down and nearly gets it down the wrong way.

 Seokjin suddenly makes a joke about doorbells, which no one understood apparently, judging by their confused looks. Or maybe they were too far gone. But Seokjin bursts into a laugh and the whole table erupts, because no one could resist that. Taehyung laughs along with them, feeling incredibly happy to see all of them relaxing together, carefree, like a group of normal friends going out to dinner after work.

Namjoon suddenly chokes on his chicken from laughing too hard, and Jimin is instantly there to pound him on the back, a little too harsh, if you asked him but both of them were too tipsy to notice. Then Jimin proceeds to wrap his whole body around Namjoon and clings like a koala. Nobody bats an eyelash, it was Jimin, after all.

Taehyung reaches across the table for some bibimbap. Hoseok, who was closer to the dish, notices and gets a piece on his own chopsticks and shoves it in Taehyung’s mouth. Taehyung grins with his mouth full and Hoseok coos at him, slurring over how he looked like a baby bird.

Taehyung swallows down his mouthful and opens it again, hoping Hoseok would let him have some more. But out of the corner of his eye, he sees the familiar form of Jeongguk as the younger downs a shot.

 He finishes his glass, finds the bottle empty and reaches over Yoongi to grab another bottle. Instead of pouring a glass like a normal person, Jeongguk uncorks the lid and chugs the entire bottle.

Taehyung widens his eyes as he turns towards the younger. He is about to reach out and pull the bottle away when Yoongi suddenly notices and yanks it away.

“Yah, Jeongguk, you out of your mind?” the elder asks, taking the bottle away and pouring it into a glass. Yoongi hands it over and Jeongguk takes it. He looks a little bit over the edge-ears tipped red and eyes glazed over. Taehyung notices the almost imperceptible tremble of his fingers that held the glass. Considering Jeongguk was a bit of a heavyweight, Taehyung could guess has to how much he’d already taken. He’d subconsciously kept an eye on the younger the whole night, and Jeongguk had been pouring drinks nonstop, when he came to think of it.

Taehyung frowns, the thought not sitting well with him. Before he could say anything, Jeongguk gets up.

“m’ tired.” He yawns, stretching. “See you guys tomorrow.” With that he trudges out of the room, dragging his feet slightly.

Taehyung watches the younger’s receding back, and even though his brain screams at him not to, he stands up as well. The others were well past gone to care, so he just drops his plate on the sink and follows after the younger.

Jeongguk’s door is closed when he arrives. After a moment’s hesitation, he knocks, listening carefully then knocks again, but gets no answer in return. Taehyung suddenly panics, wondering whether Jeongguk had passed out and yanks the door open, thankfully finding it unlocked.

He stumbles into the room, and spots Jeongguk immediately.

He was sitting at the edge of the bed, hands at his sides clutching the sheets in a vice like grip. He slowly turns his head at Taehyung’s entrance, blinking when he sees who it is.

Taehyung expects Jeongguk to turn away. Maybe it was the alcohol in his system, but he stares straight at Taehyung, unflinching. Neither of them speak, and Taehyung stares into those dark pools, their depth and weight which was familiar to him as his own.

Jeongguk doesn’t seem forthcoming, so Taehyung crosses his arms in front of his chest.

“You should really tone down your drinking you know.”

Jeongguk narrows his eyes at him. “I’m not a child anymore hyung.” he says petulantly. “I’m an adult. I can decide for myself. Stop babying me.”

Taehyung huffs at him. “It’s not babying, Jeongguk. I’m saying this because I’m honestly concerned for your health.”

Jeongguk had been about to retort, Taehyung could tell, but his mouth closes with a snap, brows furrowing.

“We were just having dinner, this wasn’t even a drinking session. Yet I think I saw you take more shots than the rest of us combined.”

Jeongguk doesn’t say anything, breaks eye contact and stares at his hands instead, now fidgeting on his lap.

Taehyung’s glare softens as he studies the younger closely. He remembers the last time this happened. Jeongguk drowning himself in alcohol until he passed out. Everyone had been worried sick about him that day, especially since they had been abroad on tour. But that time, Jeongguk had done it because he’d been upset about injuring his leg and not being able to perform. It has shaken him so much to the point of being off kilter. But Taehyung couldn’t understand the reason for today.

He takes a deep breath, then walks over and sits next to the younger. The bed dips under his weight as he settles, his arm barely brushing Jeongguk’s.

“Jeongguk-ah” he says softly. “Are you okay? You don’t drink like that unless there something bothering you.”

Jeongguk is silent for a moment. Taehyung wonders whether he wouldn’t answer, but then he lets out a long exhale.

“Sometimes, it’s easier to be oblivious, you know?” he says, rhetorically.

Taehyung frowns, the words not making sense to him, but Jeongguk didn’t seem to be intending to explain further.

Taehyung nods at him, accepting the younger’s reluctance to speak. “Okay.” And after a pause, continues in a quieter voice.

“I’m sorry.”

Jeongguk looks at him, confused.

“What for, hyung?”

Taehyung stares at the wall in front of him “For.... For the other day. I made you upset. I didn’t mean to sound so hostile when you came into my room. I..I just-”

He stops himself, because what was he supposed to say? The truth? If only it was that easy.

Jeongguk chuckles drily. “You were caught off guard because we don’t really hang around alone with each other anymore huh.”

Taehyung looks over sharply, the words cutting through him like a knife. Jeongguk’s expression hadn’t changed, but his eyes somehow looked clearer. He raises a quizzical eyebrow and Taehyung shrugs helplessly.

“Either way, I’m still sorry.”

 He wants to say more, but what could he say? He knows Jeongguk could understand the sincerity in his voice. They hadn’t lived together for seven years for the younger to miss the honesty in his words.

So instead Taehyung opts for a small smile, looking Jeongguk straight in the eye. Jeongguk stares right back, and after a moment, reaches out a hand almost instinctively.

“Blue looks good on you” he says, tugging the short strands of hair at Taehyung’s nape.

Taehyung snorts at the sudden change of topic. “It’s more mint now actually.”

The tense atmosphere breaks, and Taehyung sags in relief. He doesn’t know what he would have done if that ambience had remained.

Jeongguk still hadn’t let go, lightly threading his fingers through his hair. “Beautiful” be murmurs.

Taehyung turns his face away, cheeks heating up. “You’re obviously drunk.” He says, trying not to sound awkward. A sober Jeongguk would never be this open, he knows.

“It is” Jeongguk insists. Taehyung stares at him again, mouth slightly parted, at a loss for words.

The younger squints at  Taehyung. “Well, everything looks good on you, so.”

“Yah” Taehyung chuckles, slapping his hand away. Jeongguk grins at him.

“Kinda miss the mullet though.”

Taehyung sticks out his tongue at him. “You’re not too bad yourself, Jeongguk-ssi. Black is definitely your colour.”

Jeongguk grins in return. “Why thank you, Taehyung-ssi. I’m honoured.”

They grow silent, but for the first time in a while, it feels undemanding. Just two boys in their own world. It was easy to let reality go for a while.

It wasn’t that they felt uncomfortable around each other, far from it, but Taehyung always felt as if something was missing. Something that was there when they were younger but disappeared with time as they both grew up. Maybe it was that they were both a little loose and relaxed tonight, but Taehyung feels that maybe he could throw caution out the window, just for tonight.

Taehyung hadn’t even realized he’d spaced out until Jeongguk flops down on the bed, laying supine. He exhales softly.

“You ever wish we could, like, go back and see our old days, hyung?”

Taehyung sits back, tucking in his legs and gets comfortable. He hums thoughtfully. “You mean like time travel? Turn the clock back and go change something you messed up? Yeah loads of times.”

Jeongguk shakes his head. “No, not exactly. Like, travel back, but as ghosts, sort of? Like we’re outsiders watching a movie. We can see our younger selves, experience it from an outside point of view, without changing it? Just to see.”

“Oh” Taehyung says, biting his lips in thought. “I’ve never actually thought of it that way but.. Yeah. I’d definitely like that.”

Jeongguk smiles up at him. He looked stunning, even wearing casual clothes, lying down and looking up at Taehyung through heavy lids.

“I wanna go and re-watch our first meeting. You wearing that expensive jacket-“

Taehyung slaps the younger’s knee lightly, “Yah, I told you guys the reason-“

“You were so scrawny gosh, I don’t think I would have recognized the future you back then if I ever saw you”

“Scrawny, me? You were practically a fetus with a nose too big for your face-

“Hey, how dare you, you know that’s a sensitive topic!”

“- and used too much hairspray because you thought it made you look cool!”

Jeongguk kicks at him and Taehyung topples over, giggling and soon they’re both laughing, Taehyung sprawled horizontally over Jeongguks legs.

Jeongguk wriggles his legs, no doubt to annoy him, and Taehyung acts without thinking. He shifts onto his side and crawls over Jeongguk to get to the unoccupied side of the bed.

He lies down next to Jeongguk, a hair’s breadth away, one arm pressed to the wall. He can hear the soft puffs as Jeongguk breathed and Taehyung stares at the ceiling, the colored lights blinking back at him. It was a bluish hue of purple today. Jeongguk seemed to have it purple on most days. Sometimes Taehyung could see the different colours under the slit of the door when he walked past.

Taehyung tilts his head slightly, looking at Jeongguk’s half lidded eyes, already drooping close with exhaustion and the effect of alcohol.

Something about the night makes him brave, the closed door offering him a sense of security, and he takes Jeongguk’s openness as an invitation as Taehyung slowly snakes an arm around the younger’s waist.

Jeongguk wasn’t fully asleep yet and Taehyung automatically tenses himself, waiting for a reprimand or for the younger to push him away. Jeongguk didn’t take it kindly when he felt like his hyungs were trying to ‘baby’ him.

But Jeongguk doesn’t move, just relaxes under him and Taehyung tightens his arm, pulling the younger closer. After getting no complaints, he sighs and squashes his chin against Jeongguk’s shoulder, curling himself around the slightly bulkier body of the younger. The flowery scent of the fabric softener Jeongguk insisted on using invades his senses and he sighs in contentment.

Taehyung can’t remember the last time they did this. Cuddled together, that is. He remembers one time, when they were practicing for the tour last year and Taehyung had crawled over a sleeping Jeongguk on the couch and fell asleep on top of him. He remembers Jeongguk grunting and adjusting his leg so that Taehyung had more space, even though the position couldn’t have been comfortable. The memory sends pang of fondness through his chest and he clutches the younger tighter.

Just when he thinks Jeongguk had fallen asleep, he feels warm breath hit his ear as Jeongguk turns his head.

“I’ll try hyung.”

Taehyung doesn’t shift, but muffles the words onto the fabric of the younger’s shirt.

“Try what?”

Jeongguk pauses, then says “To- to think about stuff, instead of drowning them out. To talk them out with… someone.”

I used to be that someone. Taehyung thinks. You always came to me when something was bothering you Jeonggukkie. You told me when you were too shy to talk to the others. You cried to me at night about how much you missed your parents and brother. You used to hang onto me like a lifeline whenever we went somewhere. But now you’ve grown up. Maybe you don’t need me anymore like you used to.

Taehyung doesn’t voice the thoughts aloud and instead shakes his head, clearing the disagreeable thoughts. Now was not the time. He couldn’t expect Jeongguk to be the shy fourteen year-old he met. They’d both grown up a lot. Things were bound to change.

Instead he puts as much sincerity into his voice and replies. “I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself Jeongguk-ah. Please don’t be reckless like that again.”

He thinks the conversation is over and just as he’s about to fall asleep, he hears another whisper. So soft he would almost have missed it.

“Will you still be here when I wake up?”

Taehyung doesn’t know why it felt like a punch to the gut. Maybe because he’d trained himself not to expect it, tried pushing down the feelings and trampling them underfoot that the sudden plunge back into it knocked the breath from his lungs.

But he knows he would never deny Jeongguk anything. He’d never been resilient enough for that.

“I will Jeongguk-ah. Don’t worry, I’ll be here.”

I always will.

✧

The weather was starting to get warmer, but they still couldn’t go out without wrapping themselves up in a few layers first. Winter in Seoul was always harsh, it seemed. But the view of snowflakes dusting the rooftops like fairy dust was still worth enduring the cold every year.

Taehyung was decked out in a snug grey turtleneck, his jacket lying discarded somewhere after they arrived at the studio. The recording session goes without a hitch. At one point he starts dancing to the beat, swaying his hips to and fro and soon Jimin accompanies with multitude of giggles. It earns a scrutinizing gaze from their sound engineer as the new track now had some slightly too cheerful backing vocals to suit its’ much more somber mood. They have to redo the track, but everyone was having too much fun to care or admonish them. The atmosphere was relaxed, everyone in an agreeable mood. After all, recording inside soundproof rooms were the one thing they had been doing for seven years. The familiarity had a calming effect on all of them.

Taehyung sings along his lines, Jeongguk’s soft chorus drifting in through his headphones. He sings with gained confidence, opening his mouth wider and expanding his lungs, suddenly remembering when Jeongguk told him to ‘have confidence in your voice, hyung’

It seemed that no matter how hard anyone tried, Jeon Jeongguk would always be a nagging presence in his mind.

They finish for the day, Yoongi ending with a loud whoop in his eagerness to get back to his room and sleep. He’d been up working late a couple of nights to perfect a track and the weariness finally seemed to be catching up on him.

Taehyung spots Hoseok and Jimin in the corner discussing a suitable dance move to the track they just recorded, their heads bent together, deep in conversation.

Jeongguk seemed to be supposedly ‘massaging’ Seokjin’s neck to relieve him of a strain but to Taehyung  it looked more like Jeongguk’s own version of karate chopping . Whatever. The two were weird and it was best not to question them.

Taehyung’s goes to collect his jacket and grins at an approaching Namjoon. The elder shrugs on his coat and slips an arm around Taehyung’s shoulders, his dimples prominent as he smiled at him.

“You did well today, Taehyung-ah. I can’t wait to hear the full audio. Hopefully we’ll get a demo within a couple of days.”

Taehyung nods in acknowledgement. “Yeah hyung, I have high hopes this time.”

Namjoon chuckles at him. “You say that every single time.”

Taehyung rolls his eyes. “Well, I’m trying to be supportive here, try to appreciate it.”

Namjoon laughs again. “Sure thing big guy.” With that he walks ahead to join Yoongi, immediately getting in a discussion with him about some lyrics they needed to reconsider.

Someone sidles up to him and Taehyung turns around, expecting to find either Hoseok or Jimin, but is hit by a familiar floral perfume.

“You busy tonight hyung?”

Taehyung blinks at Jeongguk, his wide eyes earnestly gazing back at Taehyung.

“Um.. Not really. No. Why?”

Jeongguk suddenly looks a bit unsure. “Nothing. I mean... Well. I was wondering whether we could go out. Maybe.”

Taehyung shrugs. “Sure. You should ask Yoongi hyung though, I’m not sure he’ll be willing to go out today. “

“No, I mean” Jeongguk clears his throat. “I mean us. Just you and me.”

Taehyung is a bit taken aback to answer immediately. He lets the words sink into his brain, his mind jumping to all the conclusions when suddenly a barrage of unpleasant memories come resurfacing.

Know your place Taehyung-ssi.

You have signed contract, please don’t forget.

You shall not do anything that jeopardizes the group or the company.

Think about yourself Taehyung-ssi. This will surely affect your future as well as the others..

“- recently with Seokjin hyung and the Jimin hyung. I just thought maybe we could… hyung?”

Taehyung jolts out of his stupor. “I’m sorry, I- uh what were you saying again?”

Jeongguk gives him an offended look. He looks away, tonguing the inside of his cheek. “No, it’s fine. I-“

Taehyung doesn’t know what comes over him. He forces the sinister voices out of his head. He’ll deal with them later. There were no cameras. They couldn’t dictate how he lived his life outside of schedule. He wouldn’t allow himself to be a puppet tied to a string.

Taehyung reaches out and grips Jeongguk’s hand tightly. Maybe it was tighter than necessary, but he doesn’t care. Not right now.

 “No Jeongguk. I’d love to. I want to. It been a while since we last went out hasn’t it?”

Jeongguk looks momentarily surprised, but then a look of relief crosses his face. He gently unclasps Taehyung’s grip, which he realizes had been too tight, and loosely threads their fingers together. Jeongguk's hand is warm, the weight of it familiar and comforting after years and years of seeking it.

He studies Taehyung before replying slowly. “Yeah it has. The coffee runs and short walks don’t count. Let’s go grand.”

Taehyung barks out a laugh at that. “Go grand huh? The last time we went grand was that hotel last year I think.”

Jeongguk smiles softly. “Yeah. January twenty sixth.”

Taehyung raises his eyebrows. “Wow, you even remember the date?”

“What n-no” Jeongguk stammers “I have the footage I shot that day on my computer. It’s – The folders are organized according to date. I came across it recently.” He says, rubbing the back of his neck self consciously.

Taehyung chuckles at him. “I can’t believe we haven’t been able to properly go out together in a year. I thought we lived in the same house?”

He says it in a joking tone, but he knows it’s anything but. The warnings are loud and clear in his head. It wasn’t like they hadn’t gotten the chance before. Jeongguk went out a lot with Jimin. And Seokjin and Hoseok too. Taehyung divided his time equally with everyone but had been hanging out with Hoseok a lot recently. Plus, he always found time to meet his other friends outside too. Dinner dates with Bogum or going out with Seojoon and Hyungsik and the gang, meeting his old friends and colleagues all the time. Maybe he’d purposefully been avoiding going out alone with Jeongguk.

Jeongguk chuckles like it just occurred to him. Maybe it did. Taehyung doesn't want to think about it. “Gosh, yes.”

Taehyung decides to put the worry out of his mind. One night wasn’t going to hurt anyone. Today, he was just going to enjoy. Just like old times.

He smiles at Jeongguk.

“Be ready by eight thirty okay? And please wear something else other than your tracksuit and puma trainers. I shall not go out with you looking like a gym trainer, thank you very much. I have a dignity to protect."

Taehyung flicks his hair back with one hand, turning up his nose at Jeongguk. The younger merely smirks in return.

 “I’m not making any promises hyung.”

✧

“I still can’t believe you didn’t invite me.” Jimin whines petulantly, trailing after them.

“This is a tall guys only event. Sorry hyung.” Jeongguk says, but he doesn’t sound sorry in the least.

Jimin narrows his eyes as Taehyung snorts. “I thought that was an age old joke.” he says, looking back and forth between Jeongguk and Jimin.

Jeongguk smirks. “Seven years in the making. Works every time though.”

“I hate you" Jimin mutters but Jeongguk just sticks out his tongue.

They put on their shoes and masks, checking everything carefully. Jimin observes them silently, leaning against the doorframe.

“Wait, shouldn’t you guys inform management about this?" he pipes up suddenly and Taehyung flinches involuntarily. He'd been hoping to avoid the topic but it seemed that luck wasn't completely on his side today.

"It’s protocol to get permission-“

“No” they both say in unison and Jimin widens his eyes. Taehyung whips his head towards Jeongguk. He hadn’t expected the younger to share the same sentiment as him.

Taehyung scrambles to amend. “This is our private life, Jimin. I can’t see why we can’t just step outside for a bit of fresh air without telling them. It’s gonna be a couple of hours at most.”

Jimin turns a worried glance at him. “Taehyung… “

“Jiminie please” Taehyung pleads, and after a moment's hesitation he nods.

“Alright. But please be careful okay?”

“We will hyung. Don’t worry” Jeongguk assures as he steps outside, jangling the keys in his right hand.

Taehyung reaches out and gives Jimin a side hug. Jimin still looks worried but he smiles at Taehyung.

“Don’t be late guys” he says, waving them off.

They take the stairs down instead of using the elevator. They get to their car and Jeongguk slides into the driver’s seat. Taehyung takes shotgun without question.

None of them owned a vehicle themselves because they didn't need it in the first place. They could afford ten vehicles if they wanted to, but none of them found it necessary when they barely traveled alone anyway. Not that they needed fans to keep track of their license plates either. They had a couple of company provided vehicles parked in the garage they could use in 'emergencies' such as this.

Jeongguk starts up the engine and Taehyung fiddles with his phone, connecting it to the stereo. He plays the music, the familiar sound of wind blowing sounding through the speaker. Jeongguk snorts, immediately recognizing it.

“Your own song, hyung? How obnoxious can you be, huh?”

Taehyung grins at him. “Oh shut up, I know you love it. Fits the ambience, don’t you think?”

Jeongguk chuckles, shaking his head. “Whatever you say, hyung.”

“I still haven’t forgiven you for that awful lip sync by the way.” Taehyung says, side eyeing the younger.

“It wasn't awful, it was great. That’s how I show my support, you know? Besides, everyone loved it. Back at you, I know you love it too, don’t lie.”

“Fine, you win.” Taehyung gripes. “Remember our dubsmash phase? Gosh we were so shameless.”

Jeongguk laughs at that. “For sure. The hyungs were so annoyed that we used to do it the whole day just to piss them off.”

Taehyung chuckles. “Yeah.” He sighs. “I really miss the old times.”

Taehyung catches Jeongguk glancing at him in his periphery. “Yeah, I remember you saying that.” He says softly.

Taehyung raises an eyebrow. “You do? I… ” he wracks his brain, trying to remember when he said it to Jeongguk. It was true he thought it all the time, but had he really voiced it aloud to the younger personally? 

“In your birthday post. Last year.”

“Oh yeah. Right. I did.” Taehyung mentally slaps himself. Of course Jeongguk saw the post. It was meant for him after all. But they had been busy and Jeongguk hadn’t really acknowledged it so Taehyung hadn’t really given it much thought.

They drift off into silence, listening to the music which seemed to fill the empty space around them.

Jeongguk drives carefully, slipping past the crowded city and sticking to less crowded roads. After much contemplation they’d finally decided to just keep it normal instead of doing anything fancy, contradictory to what they'd originally planned. And so they decided on a noraebang, and dinner afterwards.

One would ask why people who sang as a part of their job prefer to go out for noraebang when they were trying to relax, but both of them loved it. They loved singing together, even though they didn’t get to do it much together. Jeongguk had suggested it and Taehyung easily agreed.

Going into town meant attracting attention, and expensive dinners like last time would be calling for trouble. They were trying to keep it lowkey anyway, off the radar of their managers so they both decided that going to a common place where no one expected them to be was the best choice.

The noraebang place isn’t crowded and Taehyung had to admit he’d missed this. They used to do this a lot in their younger days. And somehow Jeongguk and him ended up partners almost every single time, because they harmonized well with each other and they both loved singing with each other as well. But it had been a while since they visited together and Taehyung is glad for the opportunity.

Jeongguk grabs his mic and levels Taehyung with a challenging look which the latter accepts with a smirk.

Jeongguk's soft voice fills his ears and Taehyung lets himself relax. He feels strangely at ease, just two boys singing their hearts out. They do a lot more goofing around than actually singing, but that was probably why Taehyung enjoyed it that much in the first place.

When they both decided that they’d had enough, Taehyung suggests they go to a nearby dining house. It was one of those expensive yet secluded places that they could get their privacy. They manage to get a dining room for themselves. If the waitress recognized them, she doesn't show it and Taehyung feels relieved.

Jeongguk is already going through the menu when Taehyung gets comfortable after removing his outer layers. They order quickly without making a fuss, and the waitress returns with steaming bowls of food.

Dinner goes without much incident, both of them not wanting to linger any longer than necessary. They pay the bill and exit quietly, their faces hidden by masks and caps.

Jeongguk has a dripping cone in his hand, still only half eaten. They'd bought them on a whim after passing by a shop window on their way out from the diner. Taehyung had instantly been enamoured by the quaint little ice cream shop and had dragged Jeongguk inside, and it was the younger who finally got tired of Taehyung drooling over the multitude of flavours and bought them two waffle cones. Taehyung had finished his own quickly, polishing off with a stealthy lick of his fingers when no one was watching. No one should be allowed to let even a drop of ice cream go to waste.

He glances over at the younger and wrinkles his nose.

"I still can't understand why you and Hobi hyung love that toothpaste ice cream so much."

Jeongguk sends him a glare over his half chocolate, half mint double scoop. "It's because we're the only ones with real taste. You guys are just dumb."

"Yeah, but not dumb enough to like mint chocolate when there are a thousand more sweeter flavours out there." Taehyung scoffs.

The younger merely rolls his eyes. "Don't be a prick. Besides I know you don't hate it. I've seen you stealing bites from Hobi hyung."

"Alright fine." Taehyung huffs in annoyance. "I neither like nor dislike it. There, you satisfied now?"

Jeongguk smirks playfully at him. "I'll make a believer out of you in no time. Just watch."

"We'll see." Taehyung replies flippantly, jerking his head up in mock offense.

Jeongguk's laugh rings out through the quiet street, and Taehyung can't help the smile tugging at his lips. He feels a sense of nostalgia, remembering their trainee days; walking down the street at this time of night, all of them laughing and shouting at each other as they got brain freeze trying to swallow the whole scoop of ice cream in one go. Those were the good old days, when Taehyung could always be found glued to Jeongguk's side, making silly faces to make the younger smile, acting skits with him in the middle of the street, making fun of Jimin together as he chased after them threatening to pour their shampoo down the sink.

Those were the days when Taehyung had his boxy smile plastered on his face 24/7. His energetic and bubbly personality which always tired the hyungs out but which they still adored. He isn't sure exactly when he started changing. It had happened gradually, he guesses. When people started saying he was too weird, when there were cameras surrounding them every waking moment, when their popularity gained them more peer pressure than they bargained for. Taehyung misses the old days, the old him, but there was no going back now. The carefree days were long gone with his younger self's naivety. But even the small sense of reminiscence of it now feels better than nothing.

They walk down the street together, shoulders almost brushing. Somehow, no matter how things changed, the concept of space never seemed to exist when it came to him and Jeongguk. And Taehyung is glad that at least one thing remained unchanged from their younger days.

They stop at a red light, waiting to cross the road. Taehyung turns towards Jeongguk, who had finished his cone and was shamelessly nibbling his fingers. Taehyung rolls his eyes and hands him a tissue, which the younger takes, not even the slightest bit abashed. Taehyung chuckles, watching the younger fondly. He suddenly notices a smudge of ice cream left on the younger’s face and reaches out to wipe it off, brushing his fingers at the corner of Jeongguk's bottom lip.

Jeongguk widens his eyes and Taehyung turns away, trying to appear nonchalant. The light turns green at the exact moment, and Taehyung thankfully steps onto the road. Before he could cross however, Jeongguk abruptly grabs his hand. Taehyung throws him a questioning glance and the younger nods his head down the street, pulling him back onto the sidewalk again.

Without waiting for an answer Jeongguk starts walking, tugging Taehyung along with him. Taehyung stumbles after the younger.

“Where are we going?” he asks, looking around cautiously.

“Just wait hyung." Jeongguk says “You’ll see.”

They trudge down a dilapidated alleyway and Taehyung feels a nervous prickle crawl up his spine. It really wasn't safe, but Jeongguk seemed to know where he was going so Taehyung doesn't complain. Taehyung spots a staircase set on the side of a building and Jeongguk immediately starts climbing up. Taehyung follows at a slower pace, gripping the railing tightly.

They finally reach the top after what seemed like hours, but Taehyung knows it only felt like that because of the unfamiliarity of it and the darkness surrounding them. They step out onto a concrete platform and Taehyung gasps involuntarily.

The city of Seoul spread below them, an ocean of a thousand twinkling lights. He could see the Han snaking along in the distance, reflecting the coloured lights on the rippling water. Even from this high up they could see the cars whizzing past down below, and the billboards and towers high up.

It wasn’t an unfamiliar view. They’d been on top of Namsan tower before, and the view from their own rooftop was a sight to behold.

But there was something different, more breathtaking and much more intimate about standing there alone with Jeongguk on a mostly abandoned rooftop. Their surroundings were dark, only the measly light from the street lamps illuminating them, which made the sparkling city view even more captivating.

Jeongguk walks over to the edge and peers down, squinting. Taehyung automatically reaches out, wrapping his hands around the younger’s upper arm.

“Jeongguk, what are you doing, do you have a death wish!?”

Jeongguk lets out a low chuckle. “Relax, hyung. Come on, you don’t get the full experience if you don’t sit down and dangle your legs in the air!" he says cheerily and Taehyung nearly whimpers.

Jeongguk sits down, carelessly throwing his legs over the ledge. Taehyung gulps. He wasn’t the most comfortable with heights. He’d sat on plenty of rooftops before, but he didn’t think he’d ever get used to it. But then again, if anything Jeongguk was the weird one. The kid could bungee jump from two hundred feet in the air while laughing in joy while the rest of them either stayed paralyzed or screamed their heads off. It was most definitely paranormal.

“Come on.” Jeongguk says softly, extending his hand. “I won’t let you fall.”

Taehyung looks at those dark eyes, expression impossibly soft as he grabs the younger’s hand tightly. Jeongguk’s fingers are cold, but they intertwine perfectly with his like a puzzle fitting in to place. Jeongguk had shorter fingers but his palm was broader, and it engulfed Taehyung’s slim hand snugly. Taehyung slowly eases himself down, squishing his body next to the younger for warmth.

He expects Jeongguk to let go of his hand once he’s settled, but the younger didn’t seem to even notice as their hands lay on Taehyung’s lap, still clasped. After a moment of indecision, Taehyung lowers his head to rest on Jeongguk’s shoulder. It was a bit of a stretch because he was the same height as Jeongguk, if not taller, so he had to bend lower. But he couldn’t imagine anything else he’d rather be doing at that moment.

They stare at the city down below in silence, the wind howling around them. Taehyung relaxes his tense muscles, certain that he wasn't going to fall and focuses his gaze on the distance, aware of Jeongguk's soft puffs of breath next to him.

“Management will surely kill us if they find out about this.” Taehyung says, snuggling in closer.

Jeongguk hums. “Come on hyung, what’s life without a little adventure?”

Taehyung snorts at that. “What happened to ‘safety first, safety second and coolness third’ huh?”

“Oops” Jeongguk laughs and Taehyung can feel his shoulders shaking. He wraps his free hand around the younger’s bicep and holds on tight to avoid getting dislodged. Jeongguk doesn’t complain, just adjusts his shoulder so that Taehyung was more comfortable.

“Will you ever tell me?" Taehyung asks suddenly and he can feel Jeongguk stiffen under him.

“W-what?” he stammers, turning wide eyes on Taehyung.

Taehyung sighs. “The reason you were upset that day and downed all the beer."

He feels the younger relaxing slightly at that. Taehyung wonders what Jeongguk had been expecting him to ask which made him tense that much. But he decides not to pry.

There’s silence for a moment then Jeongguk speaks up hesitantly.

“Do you ever feel awful sometimes, for no reason at all? Like, nothing specifically happened that day, but suddenly you wake up and yeah, you’re a millionaire, you got everything you need but….. You just feel empty. Because sometimes money can’t buy you what your soul craves the most.”

Taehyung drags his fingers up and down Jeongguk's arm as he contemplates it.

“And what does your soul crave, Jeongguk-ah?” he finally asks in a tentative voice.

Jeongguk takes a deep breath, as if choosing his next words carefully. “Freedom. To express myself when I want to. Do what I want to, but to also to do nothing at all and stare at the distance without anyone trying to dictate how I spend my time.”

Taehyung hums in acknowledgment. “I crave for a normal life. I wish idols could be just like normal people, and have just as a normal career. But unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way."

“I think we both more or less said the same thing.” Jeongguk says. “Just worded differently.”

“I think both our souls crave the same thing.” Taehyung whispers. Jeongguk is silent and it takes him a moment to realize what he’d said. He tenses, expecting the younger to say something but Jeongguk remains silent.

Taehyung wills himself to calm down. Jeongguk didn't seem to find anything odd about what he'd said. He was just being paranoid.

 But it felt like a dream. This was definitely one of the weirdest outings he’d ever had. Taehyung refuses to think what might happen if someone accidentally saw them. But they were both covered up and it was dark anyway, so he doubts they’d be recognized.

Jeongguk suddenly shifts under him. “It’s late. We should probably get going.” He says and Taehyung lifts his head up, squinting at his phone to check the time. Jeongguk stands up, pulling Taehyung up with him.

Taehyung takes one last look at the cityscape longingly.

“I want to come back.” he blurts out.

Jeongguk looks surprised for a moment, then offers him a soft smile. “Alright. We’ll come back.”

Taehyung wasn’t sure whether he himself had been implying 'we' but he was definitely okay with the arrangement. More than okay.

Taehyung nods, and they quickly make their way downstairs again. After carefully checking that they weren't being followed by anyone suspicious, they locate their car. Taehyung buckles himself up as Jeongguk starts the engine.

They drive out of the secluded area, and just as Jeongguk is about to turn into the intersection to take them back home, Taehyung grabs the younger’s forearm.

“Hyung?”  he asks quizzically. “You okay?”

“I…” Taehyung feels his mouth run dry, not sure what to say. He didn’t want this night to end because he doesn’t know when, if ever, he’ll get something like this again. Something with Jeongguk. So he wants to prolong it as much as he could.

“Can we go to the Han?” he asks, not looking at Jeongguk.

There’s a beat of silence, then “Tae, it’s nearly midnight.”

Taehyung sighs. “I know, it’s just, I really missed this so much. I wish it didn’t have to end so soon.”

He lets go of the younger’s arm and slumps back in his seat, realizing how utterly childish he sounded.

“No, forget I said that, let’s just-“

But Jeongguk was already pulling into the intersection, driving away from the direction of their apartment.

“Jeongguk..?”

The younger just shrugs. “Sure, why not. I like the Han at night.”

Taehyung is left speechless. He really hadn’t expected Jeongguk to agree so easily, especially since it was late. But it seemed that Jeongguk wouldn’t say no to him.

They stop at a secluded area, as far away from the city as they dared to go without getting in trouble. They’d visited the Han countless times, ever since their trainee days. As their schedules became busier and they gained more fame, it became harder to visit. Namjoon always insisted on visiting at least once a week. He loved to take walks alone because it helped inspire him. But nowadays even he didn’t get to visit as much.

They make sure the car is locked before setting down the walkway. It was a cold night, and Taehyung is glad for his heavily padded coat and sweater. He’d tucked his hair neatly in a beret because the green would surely have called a lot of unwanted attention, had it been visible.

Jeongguk was dressed similarly in a thick jacket, his favourite bucket hat perched on top of his head. They were both covered from head to toe with black masks covering up to their noses. Taehyung deems them to be safe from prying eyes.

Jeongguk suddenly reaches out and tucks in an escaped strand back into Taehyung’s beret, then pulls his own bucket hat lower, hiding his eyes from view. Taehyung reaches out pinches the younger's nose through the fabric teasingly. Jeongguk aims a kick at him in retaliation and they start walking towards the banks, giggling.

There weren’t many people around, and even those few didn’t stick around. Taehyung is glad for the privacy.

The smell of warm food wafts over them and Taehyung breathes in the delicious smell. Jeongguk sniffs the air as well, turning his nose up like a hungry bunny.

“Let’s get some ramen. Han river ramen is always the best.” he says, his voice slightly muffled by the mask.

Taehyung looks at him incredulously. “We just had an expensive dinner and dessert as well!”

Jeongguk just shrugs. “But the smell is making me hungry again.” he whines and Taehyung chuckles.

“Okay kiddo, let’s go get some then.” he teases.

They find a ramen vendor nearby, a harmless old lady who smiles at them even though they must look the picture of hostility, all covered up. She pays no mind as she heaps up two foil bowls full of steaming ramen and waves them off. She seemed amused by Jeongguk’s ninety degree bow as Taehyung thanked her profusely and left a generous tip with the payment.

Jeongguk takes the steaming parcel from him, claiming he didn’t trust Taehyung not to burn himself. Taehyung feels fond, remembering how the younger always insisted on carrying the hot cups of coffee while Taehyung carried the food.

They walk a safe distance away and settle on the grassy banks to finish the food before it got cold. Taehyung grabs one parcel and immediately starts unpacking it, breaking the chopsticks and rolling them in his palms.

Jeongguk was fiddling with his camera, brows furrowed in concentration. Taehyung carefully gets some ramen onto his chopsticks and offers it to the younger. Jeongguk looks up in surprise, but after a momentary hesitation, opens his mouth obediently and Taehyung practically shoves the noodles inside.

He bursts out laughing at Jeongguk’s stuffed cheeks, and after swallowing down the younger cracks a smile himself. Taehyung settles down to enjoy his ramen when he sees Jeongguk’s chopsticks hovering in front of him.

He looks at the younger. “But you’re my dongsaeng. You don’t have to-“

Jeongguk rolls his eyes. “Oh seriously, we’re not doing this right now okay? Come on Taehyung-ah, open up, it’s my turn.”

The casual drop of honorifics doesn’t bother Taehyung. He himself had given the younger permission to address him informally. They all had, but Jeongguk only seemed to be comfortable enough at addressing him casually. He still kept the honorifics with his hyungs. Taehyung sometimes wonders why, whether there was a special reason for it. But he stops those thoughts before they got too far. It was most likely because he acted like a child, even to Jeongguk that he didn’t mind considering him an equal.

Taehyung tentatively bites the noodles, and earns a soft smile from Jeongguk. Taehyung hurriedly focuses on his own bowl of food. Maybe he shouldn’t have suggested this. How was he supposed to ignore that? The way Jeongguk smiled, all soft and sweet. It felt so intimate in a way Taehyung couldn’t decipher.

They finish eating quickly, Taehyung chuckling at how much Jeongguk stuttered while trying to recount a story about an annoyed Yoongi, a screaming Seokjin and a hapless bee, his lisp slipping out in his excitement. Hearing Jeongguk’s giggles made their dark surroundings less dreary.

After putting away the leftovers, Jeongguk grabs his camera again. Before Taehyung has time to react, Jeongguk had trained the lens on him. He squints as the powerful flash goes off in his face. Jeongguk hums as if satisfied, then gets up, stretching his legs.

“I’m going over there to get some pics,” he says, nodding to the far riverbank.

Taehyung nods. “Sure. I’ll stay here. I’m too tired and too stuffed to move. Don’t go too far.”

“Alright hyung” Jeongguk says, laughing, then pads away. Taehyung sits back on the grass and watches him go, his eyes following the sturdy frame walking with purposeful steps.

After seven years of doing exactly that, it wasn’t really hard anymore. His eyes always followed Jeongguk, no matter where he went.

Taehyung doesn’t remember falling in love.

Moreover, he doesn’t know when it happened or even how it happened. He didn’t suddenly wake up one day with the grand realization. There was no epiphany, no fanfare. It wasn’t a tsunami of emotions hitting him forcefully and suddenly.

Instead he had fallen a little everyday, over the course of years. It was like a gentle stream trickling in instead of a wave crashing down on top of him. He knew it was different for every person, but for him, it wasn’t a swarm of butterflies inside him or a roaring fire fighting for dominance. It felt more like the first rays of sun in the morning, warming him up from his very core and spreading through his whole being in a gentle warmth, a tiny flame.

It was seeking for a certain pair of hands to entangle with, locking onto a certain pair of warm brown eyes, looking for a certain body to keep warm, keep comfortable, to have their familiar and calming presence next to you.

For Taehyung, Jeon Jeongguk had inevitably become all of that, and he has no idea how.

He studies the figure in the distance, even though he was bundled up in layers, Taehyung would instantly recognize him anywhere, anytime.

He looked beautiful, framed against the backdrop of city lights in the distance, the gentle water lapping at his feet. Taehyung wants his camera to capture the moment, but again, he decides that this moment was for his eyes only.

No one could see Jeongguk the way Taehyung did. And he would keep this memory, this day, locked forever inside him. No one else had to know.

No one had to know Taehyung’s feelings. They didn’t really matter. Not when they were unrequited, but also, even if they were, the world was against him anyway.

Was it truly a sin? For him to love another man? Taehyung doesn’t understand. Why was it wrong to love someone who was beautiful and sweet and kind? Was one of the most humble people he knew? Someone who cherished others in his own subtle way? Where was the sin? Why wasn’t he allowed? And if it truly was a sin, then Taehyung knows he is past redemption. He loved Jeongguk too much go back on it. He’s fallen in too deep to crawl out of the pit now. Not that he wants to.

And Taehyung doesn’t believe it to be a sin. Namjoon taught him to see the beauty in love, no matter what kind it was or who shared it. And he thinks he’s fortunate to love someone like Jeongguk. An innocent boy too bright for this world.

Taehyung still isn’t sure what he feels exactly. Whether it’s what he thinks it is, or some weird intimacy spurred on by being cooped up with six boys for nearly a decade. A lot of people would say so, had he dared ask their opinion of it. Sometimes he wonders whether it is, and whether as soon as he breaks away from this routine, his conjured up feelings would disappear too. But he knows that he’d only be lying to himself if he believed that.

He hadn’t fallen in love before, so he doesn’t really know what the feeling is like. But he had never felt this before. Not for the countless girls he’d dated back in his school days, only because he was too polite to refuse them when they asked. Or the girl he’d had a crush back in high school. That had been a rush of feelings, and he understands now that it was his body growing up, trying to find what it wanted. But this time, it was different.

No matter how much he tried to convince himself, Taehyung knows, deep down, that his feelings for Jeongguk weren’t like that. They were unequivocal. He couldn’t make them disappear even if he wanted to. He would always look out for the younger, feel that surge of protectiveness. Knows his eyes wouldn’t stop following Jeongguk subconsciously, even if he did a good act of not noticing.

Taehyung doesn’t know whether it was fate or coincidence that brought them together. Or maybe it was a combination of both. They had inevitably crossed paths, which started a chain reaction of Taehyung falling for the younger every single day they spent together. It had started off as friendship but had evolved as they both grew up together, always at each other’s side. And now, Jeongguk was a much too ingrained part of him for Taehyung to ignore.

 He had let his natural instincts control him when they were younger, when they were just children playing around. But now…

Now it was different. 

It had taken Taehyung years to realize and finally accept it. Accept himself. But after that, he had been happy. He hadn’t built up a fantasy world in where the two princes would sail off onto the sunset together. Young and inexperienced as he was, he’d always known that he was caught in a dangerous gamble. In an industry where your whole career depended on your public appearance, it was playing with fire.

And he had been right too.

Even so, the memories are painful. He hates them. Yet they refuse to leave.

“You shall not do anything that will jeopardize the group or the company, Taehyung-ssi. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, bujang-nim. I-I understand”

“We encourage a lot of skinship, mainly because the fans eat it up like starved hyenas.”

Taehyung feels an ugly feeling inside him at the manager’s words. He feels like he should say something, but he doesn’t dare.

“But people are paying too much attention to you. And we really don’t approve of the direction this is going. So I strongly suggest you to stay away from him. Keep it in mind. We don’t want a scandal, do we?”

Taehyung reigns in his inner turmoil. “No bujang-nim”

“Good. Make sure you keep it that way. Also, this stays between you and me, alright? You’re free to go now.”

But he had never really been free. He remembers the anger, the frustration and desperation he’d felt at their manager’s words. But at the same time, he had been helpless. He trusted the members with his life, but this was one thing he couldn’t share with them. Because he’d known it would hurt them too. He knows they would have fought for him, but losing everything they’d gained through years of hard work….That was not something Taehyung was going to allow to happen on his behalf.

So instead he’d had to backtrack completely, all the while not making any of the members feel suspicious. He’d always known, but now he accepted his fate. And he couldn’t say he was overly hurt or disappointed. He’d known this was coming, long before he’d even realized what it was. And as long as he still got to stay beside the Jeongguk, he was content to love from a distance.

But sometimes, hope reared its ugly head inside his heart, and he wonders whether Jeongguk’s heavy gazes held more meaning than they seemed. He knows Jeongguk loves him, he loves all six of them to death, would put himself in front of any of them if they ever came to harm. But Taehyung sometimes can’t help but wonder whether their youngest felt something special towards him.

He sees the way Jeongguk looks at Namjoon and Yoongi, with adoration full of awe. At Seokjin and Jimin, an endearing yet playfully challenging way, at Hoseok, basically like he was the sweetest person to walk on earth. But at Taehyung himself, he could never interpret what that gaze was when it was trained on him. He sometimes thinks he sees something there, but he quickly quenches the thoughts before they got anywhere. He has half a mind to ask Jimin, but he’s scared of the answer he’d get, so he never does.

Taehyung doesn’t know why Jeongguk sometimes stares at him like he himself hung the stars in the sky, or why he would suppress a smile while looking at him, or why Jeongguk’s voice would go impossibly low and soft and endearing when he was talking with Taehyung. It makes him feel something intimate, but maybe it was just the younger’s unnoticed reaction to Taehyung’s own lower voice. Probably.

Taehyung doesn’t know. He probably never will. But he’d resigned to his fate, and thinking about the impossible would only end up in him getting tangled up even more.

Jeongguk was quite a distance away now, barely visible in the darkness. He still seemed to be preoccupied with his camera, so Taehyung closes his eyes, hoping he doesn’t doze off.

Maybe he does, because the next thing he knows, there’s someone grabbing his arm.

Taehyung jolts awake. “Finished?” he asks Jeongguk, standing up and turning towards him, and promptly freezes.

The person standing next to him definitely wasn’t Jeongguk.

Taehyung blinks in shock at the man who was clutching his hand. He feels a sudden jolt of panic as his mind jumps to the first conclusion he can think of-sasaeng.

“Gimme your money” the man growls and Taehyung blinks, nonplussed. He had already started theorizing about obsessed fans but the man’s statement had him reeling.

“Ahjussi” he says, gritting his teeth. He gets a good look at the man’s face and comes to the conclusion that it definitely wasn’t a sasaeng following him. The man was unkempt, his hair dirty and clothes ripped, bloodshot eyes showing no recognition. His relief is short lived though, as the man grips him harder.

“You deaf or something? Why are you staring at me!” he rasps out and Taehyung flinches away from the reek of alcohol on his breath. Definitely a drunk. “Hand me your money!”

Taehyung takes a deep breath, forcing himself to remain calm. This wasn’t a saesang, so he wasn’t recognized or followed. Worst case scenario, he was a homeless drunk looking for money.

“Ahjussi, please let me go.” Taehyung tries again, his tone low but unthreatening.

“You filthy rich people.” The man snaps, slurring a little. Taehyung guesses him to obviously be way past drunk. Reasoning with him wasn’t going to do much.

“You- you think you can walk all over poor people like us. You have more money than you can spend, why not be generous, for once in your life?”

He starts cackling, an ugly sound spurred on from an inebriated mind. His grip on Taehyung’s arm tightens and he winces.

“Ahjussi, you’re hurting me. Unhand me and let’s talk-“

He gets no further as he sees a glint of rusted metal flashing from the man’s hand. His instincts jump out, years of dance practice and exercise having strengthened his coordination and he whips to the side, jarring his arm from the man’s grip in the process.

The knife falls on to the grass with a soft thud, and Taehyung stumbles back, heart hammering wildly in his chest as his mind caught up to what had just transpired.

His eyes lock onto the deranged man’s for a split second, registering the shock on his face when suddenly, the man’s head is thrown back and he falls to the ground in a heap.

Taehyung gasps, recognizing the familiar form of Jeongguk, eyes blazing in anger as he picks up the man again by the collar of his shirt. The second punch rings through the air as Jeongguk draws his arm back and punches the man straight in the face, snapping his head back again.

It’s when Jeongguk draws his arm back for the third time that Taehyung finally return to his senses.

“Jeongguk!” he screams, rushing forward. “Stop! Jeongguk stop!”

Jeongguk pays him no heed, his fist already connecting and the man’s head lolls to the side, blood pouring from his nose.

Taehyung grabs Jeongguk’s arm, bending it away forcefully.

“Jeongguk, for the love of God, stop.”  he gasps out harshly and Jeongguk jolts as if suddenly coming back to his senses, letting go of the collar tightly clenched in his fist as the man clutches his nose, groaning in pain.

Taehyung releases Jeongguk’s arm as the younger turns towards him, eyes running all over him frantically.

“Taehyung” he breathes “You- are you – I thought he- you-“

Taehyung cups the younger’s face gently, trying to calm him down and looks straight into his eyes.

“I’m fine, Jeongguk” he says softly, running his thumbs over the younger’s cheeks over the mask. “He didn’t hurt me. I’m okay.”

He places his hands on Jeongguk’s shoulder and he sees him visibly relax, the tense muscles unclenching. His heavy breathing starts to slow down as Taehyung feels his own rush of adrenaline slowing down.

Jeongguk clenches his fists at his side, closing his eyes. They hear a shuffle of feet and they both turn to see the man hurriedly limping away, without even turning back.

Jeongguk starts to say something but Taehyung squeezes his shoulder.

“Let him go. He can’t do anything.”

Jeongguk turns back towards him. “God, Tae, I was scared shitless. I thought he hurt you. What happened?”

Taehyung explains as briefly as he could, emphasizing the fact that the man had been drunk, probably a homeless guy looking to mob someone. Jeongguk’s nostrils flare as Taehyung describes how he grabbed him, and Taehyung places a placating arm over his shoulder again.

“Calm down Jeongguk, nothing happened. Just let me take this call.”

He turns away and hurriedly dials a number. It rings three times before the receiver picks up.

“Hello? Tae? Are you alright? What happened? Is Jeongguk-“

“We’re fine Jimin.” Taehyung sighs. He keeps the explanation as short as possible, all the while keeping an eye on Jeongguk, who had gone back to collect his camera where he’d dropped it on the ground.

“Taehyung” Jimin sounded like he was forcing himself to sound calm. “Stay right there. Don’t move. We’re coming to get you okay?”

Taehyung is too riled up to argue so he agrees and hangs up, quickly sending their location to Jimin.

He walks over to Jeongguk, who was carefully locking up his camera bag.

“You really dropped you precious camera huh?” Taehyung says jokingly, trying to lighten the mood.

He doesn’t expect Jeongguk to whip around, his eyes hard and jaw clenched. “That man was pointing a fucking knife at you! What else do you think I would do!?”

Taehyung reels back in shock. “Jeongguk, hey” he says pleadingly. “I’m- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that-“

Jeongguk sighs, removing his mask and rubbing a hand over his face.

“No Tae – I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped. I just-” he pauses, gritting his teeth. “I heard you, and I was already panicking as I ran back towards you and – I was almost there when I saw the knife and I just-I completely lost it.”

“Jeongguk-ah” Taehyung says, reaching out and curling his hands around Jeongguk’s torso.

“I saw you dodging the knife, and as soon as I saw you were out of the way I just – I don’t even remember doing it until you st-stopped me.”

Jeongguk’s breath hitches and Taehyung squeezes his hands. “Shh Jeongguk, it’s okay. I’m here. It’s okay.”

Jeongguk shakes his frantically. “No it's not. It’s not okay Taehyung.” he says vehemently.

“I-I’ve never punched anyone liked that. The last fight I remember getting into was in middle school, play fighting with my friends. I’ve never hurt a person like that. But today…”

“Jeongguk, please.” Taehyung tries to interrupt but the younger seemed to have worked himself up into a frenzy.

“I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t stopped me. Tae.. I.. I could have killed him.”

“Jeongguk no” Taehyung says forcefully. “I know you would never be that unhinged. You’re always so calm and collected, even in stressful situations-“

“That’s the thing.” Jeongguk says softly. “That’s what scares me Tae. I usually am, I keep a clear head. But you… the notion of something happening to you… It completely threw me off. I would have kept punching him until he lost consciousness, until he bled to death had you not stopped me-“

Taehyung lurches forward and pulls the younger to he is chest.

“Jeongguk” he says firmly. “That didn’t happen okay? I’m okay, you’re okay, that man has a broken nose but otherwise he’s fine. He didn’t recognize us. So just please, put it out of your head. The way you reacted was completely understandable Jeongguk. Heck, if the situation had been reversed, and it was you being harassed, I would probably have lost my mind too. So stop blaming yourself. Let’s just forget it okay?”

Jeongguk lets out a shaky exhale, and Taehyung rubs the younger’s back soothingly. He was still quite a bit shaken himself, but he’d managed to calm himself down. Neither of them say anything and Taehyung keeps his eyes peeled for approaching figures.

Suddenly he spots three silhouettes in the distance, running towards them. Taehyung tenses, arms tightening around Jeongguk, ready for defense when he suddenly recognizes Jimin’s voice

“Taehyung-ah! Taehyung! Jeongguk!”

Taehyung waves a hand at him, and Jimin is upon them in no time. Taehyung recognizes the other two figures as Seokjin and Hoseok.

“Are you guys okay?” Hoseok asks in a worried tone and Taehyung gives a brief nod, not trusting himself to speak.

“You got here quick.” Jeongguk says and Hoseok chuckles drily.

“Well someone sure knows how to go over the speed limit without getting sued, it seems.” He says, side eyeing Seokjin.

The elder ignores him, turning towards Taehyung.

“Were you recognized? Did anyone follow you?” Seokjin asks sharply.

“I don’t think so hyung” Taehyung answers. “There wasn’t really anyone else around.”

Seokjin gives a quick nod, not wasting any more time.

“Alright, the car is parked that way.” he says pointing. “It’s nearer. Hobi, get these two back. I’ll go get the other car.”

Jeongguk wordlessly hands Seokjin the keys and the elder strides off at a brisk pace.

Jimin gives them another worried once-over. “I’ll go with Seokjin hyung. You guys go, we’ll be right behind you.”

Hoseok quickly walks them over to the car and they get in quietly. The drive back is mostly silent, Jeongguk staring out the window at the passing city lights, taciturn.

Taehyung sits next to him on the backseat. He could sense the younger’s unease over what had happened, but he knew Jeongguk would not want to talk about it anymore at the moment. He sees Hoseok’s eyes checking them from time to time from the rearview mirror, and Taehyung gives the elder a small smile in acknowledgement.

Hoseok gets them back quickly, Seokjin arriving only minutes after. They keep it discreet and slowly make their way up to the house.

As soon as they step inside, Namjoon comes rushing over. He notices Taehyung and Jeongguk and heaves a relieved sigh.

He turns towards Seokjin. “Hyung, I can’t believe you left me here, I-“

Seokjin merely rolls his eyes “You can’t drive, Namjoon-ah. That’s why I left you so stop complaining.”

“But you took Jimin and he can’t drive either” Namjoon mumbles under his breath.

“Yeah, I did. You think I would have been able to leave him at home when Taehyung was out there? I value my neck, thank you very much.”

Namjoon sighs, accepting the reasoning. Jimin was a sweet angel until you actually saw the savage and overprotective side when it came to his loved ones.

Yoongi appears at Namjoon’s side, running his eyes over both Taehyung and Jeongguk, quietly making sure they were okay. Taehyung appreciates Yoongi’s silent concern, not trying to be overbearing.

He suddenly realizes that all of them must have either been asleep or engrossed with work. He feels the guilt overtaking him at bothering them at an ungodly hour.

After the initial shock, five pairs of heavy eyes settle on him and Jeongguk. Taehyung doesn’t want this right now, but he knows there’s no escaping.

So he takes a seat, Jeongguk squishing down next to him. The others take up various positions around the living room and Taehyung recounts the incident again in detail.

“Hold up, you didn’t tell me there was a knife involved! Taehyung-“

“Calm down Jimin-ah, he’s obviously fine. Stop overreacting.” Yoongi growls and Jimin subsides, huffing.

Taehyung continues, and when he gets to the part where Jeongguk arrived, he can feel the younger’s body stiffening. Taehyung makes a split second decision.

“And so Jeongguk came running, and the man got scared and ran off.”

Yoongi frowns “He ran off? Just like that?”

Taehyung shrugs. “He probably thought I was alone before. Which must have been why he approached me in the first place. And when he saw the numbers increasing, he wasn’t really interested anymore. Like I said, it was some poor homeless guy. Money was the only thing on his mind. Not anything else.”

That much was true. He’d just carefully omitted the part where Jeongguk punched said person. That was Jeongguk’s story to tell and the younger was clearly upset about it, so Taehyung thinks it best not to mention it.

After he finishes, a heavy silence settles around them. Taehyung almost feels his skin prickling from the tension in the air.

Namjoon rubs his temples. “Well, I’m glad you two are okay. But seriously, you have to be careful. It was fortunate today. But what if circumstances had been unfortunate? You cannot risk something like this again. Please, no more traveling to secluded areas. Any of you.” he says, eyes roaming around the room.

Taehyung slumps in his seat, suddenly feeling as if he were to blame for this whole fiasco. If he hadn’t accidentally dozed off or better, if he hadn’t suggested going to the Han so late at night in the first place-

“Don’t.”

He feels a gentle pressure on his thigh and turns to see Jeongguk looking at him. Taehyung blinks. How had Jeongguk known what he was thinking? Was Taehyung that easy to read? Or maybe the younger just knew him too well. 

Before he could respond, Namjoon takes out his phone. “I guess we have to report this to the police.”

Taehyung jerks up “Police?”

Namjoon seems distracted as he scrolls through his phone, obviously intent on making a phone call.

“Yes. It was fortunate nothing serious happened but we can’t let this slip. I’m calling management right now so that they can take care of it.”

Taehyung feels his breath hitch in his throat. If they called management, they were sure to be reprimanded for going out without permission. Taehyung refuses to think of the consequences, especially since it was him and Jeongguk involved.

“Hyung please. Please don’t.” Taehyung says frantically. “Don’t call management.”

“Taehyung what?” Namjoon looks up with a frown on his face. “Don’t worry, you’re not getting in trouble, we just have to inform them-”

Namjoon suddenly stops, eyes widening. “Wait, don’t tell me you went out without permission“

Taehyung hangs his head, not knowing how to respond. He can feel Namjoon’s judgmental stare boring into him but he can’t meet their leader’s eyes.

“Hyung, it’s-it’s my fault.”

Taehyung whips his head up at Jimin’s voice. “Jiminnie what-“

Jimin runs a hand through his hair, a nervous habit. “I knew they were going, I should have stopped them. But I kept silent. I-“

“Jimin, shut up, how the hell can it be your fault?”  Taehyung snaps, anger flaring. Jimin couldn’t take blame for something that didn’t even concern him. “You tried to stop us, we didn’t listen-“

“No hyung, I was the one who suggested it.”

Everyone’s attention suddenly shift to Jeongguk, who had a steely look in his eye.

“I was the one who asked Taehyung to go, I agreed to go without permission, I drove us to that place. Jimin hyung has no say in this whatsoever and nor does Taehyung. I- I’ll speak to management.”

Hoseok raises both his arms in a surrendering gesture. “Alright guys, first of all, let’s not start a fight here okay?”

Yoongi places a hand on Jeongguk’s shoulders. “We really need to sort this mess out. Jeongguk-ah, if you’re sure about this, I think speaking to management is the best option right now.”

At the words, Taehyung feels the familiar icy feeling crawling up his spine. The cold fingers choking him. Everything he’d done so far, and he was going to lose it in a single moment of recklessness. He’d only let himself indulge on one little thing, but even that had to be ruined by some unseen force, it seemed. The fates were indeed cruel.

“Jeongguk-ah” he whispers, the energy draining out of him. “Please don’t do this. Please. I can’t take it.”

Jeongguk looks pale, his wide eyes fixed on him. “Don’t worry Tae. You’re not getting blamed. I’ll make sure of that. I’ll take it. Everything-“

Upon hearing those words Taehyung loses every coherent thought. His brain refuses to cooperate with rational thinking. He can only feel the anger, seeing that Jeongguk thought he wanted the younger to take the blame alone. He feels hurt that Jeongguk would even think of such a thing in the first place, as if Taehyung wouldn’t try to protect him at any given chance, but also disgust towards himself because he must really have been acting uncaring and detached for such a notion to occur to Jeongguk in the first place.

Taehyung doesn’t even register the words leaving his mouth as he stands up, in the middle of the room, facing all of them. But his eyes were only on Jeongguk.

“That’s not it Jeongguk, not at all!” his voice comes out a lot more shrill than he’d ever spoken that Taehyung isn’t sure whether it’s him speaking even. He doesn’t feel like he’s on solid ground. Not anymore.

“I’m not scared of taking the blame. Heck, I’ve been under their scrutiny for years, this one thing isn’t going to make any difference. But I can’t, I can’t let them force me away from you. Not again.”

His eyesight was starting to blur so he doesn’t see the other’s shocked expressions. He feels the tears pricking his eyelids but he pays it no mind, his nerves on edge.

“I did it for years, years! I showed people what they wanted me to show them. I understood! I never wanted to put our group or any of you on the line, I love you guys too much for that. So I did what they told me without complaint, disregarding my own feelings completely. Today, all I wanted was a little time, only for myself, but somehow fate had to mess up that too, the only thing I allowed myself for months, a tiny selfish decision I made for myself, and it’s unfair, so fucking unfair.” 

His voice breaks and Taehyung takes a rattling breath, hurriedly wiping away the tears that were threatening to spill.

Only then does he notice the six pairs of eyes transfixed on him in equal mixtures of shock, bewilderment and anger.

The silence was thick with tension, with unspoken words and a thousand questions about to burst forth. Taehyung claps his hands over his mouth in horror. Those words weren’t meant to be said out loud. He’d promised himself to keep it to himself, promised himself no one else should know. But in an impossible situation, he’d let his stupid mouth ruin everything. Fuck, he messed up everything.

His gaze turns hard, and he clenches his fists at his side. He purposefully doesn’t make eye contact with anyone as he backs away from the living room.

“Taehyung-ah” Hoseok says, impossibly soft, and Taehyung wants to cry.

“Not now hyung. Please.” He begs, not looking at him. “Please. Leave me alone.”

Just as he passes Jimin, the smaller man reaches out but Taehyung twists away, not letting him touch. Jimin draws his arm back, hurt flashing across his face. Taehyung would feel guilty later, but right now he really can’t care. He manoeuvers himself out of the living room and starts sprinting down the hallway.

Taehyung hears Seokjin’s voice murmuring “Let him go Jimin-ah.” before he stumbles into his own room and closes the door.

He leans against the wall, letting his head fall back as he tries to breathe. But even the air felt suffocating. He stumbles forward, ripping off his clothes as if they were the reason he couldn’t breathe and not his own emotions which threatened to overwhelm him. Taehyung doesn’t even look, just dumps them on the floor as he reaches his table and grabs a glass of water, gulping it down.

He still feels lightheaded, but not too shaky. Taehyung manages to make it to the bed and sits down heavily, gripping the edges with white knuckles. He finally lets it sink in. It was over. He’d ruined everything.

He wants to sob, to scream until his throat went hoarse, do something but he knows it’s useless.

He’d done everything he could, keeping his feelings in check, not letting anyone, even Jimin, find out. And he’d done his best every time a camera was around. And even when there wasn’t, he just kept his distance most of the time, so as not to make anyone suspicious, letting everyone believe that he and Jeongguk had grown up and apart. It wasn’t like he treated Jeongguk any differently. He could never do that, but he kept it to a bare minimum, like he did with the others, instead of hanging off Jeongguk at every possible moment like he used to.

But in a rash moment he’d ruined it all. The members definitely knew everything now. He hadn’t stated anything explicitly, but they weren’t stupid not to understand such obvious implications. They must have had their own hunches even before, and now Taehyung had definitely confirmed it.

And Jeongguk… what was he thinking now? Was he angry? Disappointed? Disgusted? Taehyung desperately wishes Jeongguk wouldn’t start avoiding him. He doesn’t think he could handle that.

He drops his head into his hands, groaning. Why why why.

Suddenly there’s a knock on his door and Taehyung freezes. He hears the shuffling of feet outside and knows that staying silent would only provoke more questions.

“Whoever you are, I don’t want to talk right now.” Taehyung whispers hoarsely.

There’s a pause then a deep soft voice answers.

“Taehyung-ah it’s me.”

Taehyung stiffens at the more than familiar voice.

“If you really don’t want me to come in, please say so. And I’ll leave.”

Taehyung inhales sharply, staring at the door. He doesn’t know how to respond. Part of him definitely wants to be left alone to wallow in his misery. But it was as if Jeongguk’s voice flicked a switch somewhere and he craves the younger’s presence more than anything.

His eyes flick to the digital clock on the table, watching the neon glow as the numbers flash by. A whole minute passes, and there’s no sound.

Taehyung figures that Jeongguk probably left, because he hadn’t given an answer. He lets out a sigh. He isn’t sure whether to be relieved or disappointed when suddenly the door clicks open.

Taehyung’s eyes widen in shock. There stood Jeongguk, framed in the doorway, having changed into a black tee and sweats, his hair tousled.

“You didn’t tell me to go away.”

Taehyung looks away, because yes. He hadn’t. He could never ask Jeongguk to go away even if he wanted to. His stupid heart and stupid feelings.

Jeongguk lets the door fall shut behind him and locks it. Taehyung suddenly feels agitated, unsure how to react to the younger’s presence, but he merely follows Jeongguk with his eyes as the younger wordlessly picks up the clothes haphazardly strewn on the floor and drops them in a neat pile on the chair. He then walks over to Taehyung’s wardrobe and fetches a shirt, walking back to Taehyung with it.

“Boxers aren't really suitable attire to wear, even inside when it’s still cold outside, hyung." he says softly, a hint of amusement in his eyes as he hands over the shirt.

Taehyung recognizes it, a white shirt Jeongguk had received as a gift. Taehyung had been enamored with the seemingly hand drawn art on the front and back, and Jeongguk had given it to him without a single complaint.

Taehyung slips it on quickly, snuggling into the warm fabric as he wraps his arms around himself. He'd been too preoccupied with his thoughts before to notice that he'd actually been shivering. His legs are still cold, and he throws a blanket over them as he settles with his back to the wall, mentally preparing himself for whatever the younger was going to throw his way. Better get it over with as soon as possible.

Jeongguk didn't look angry, or upset, in the slightest. On the contrary, he looked quite calm, considering the situation. Maybe a little weary. Taehyung briefly wonders whether the younger hadn't quite grasped the meaning behind Taehyung's sudden outburst, but a single glance at Jeongguk's measured expression grinds that thought to dust.

Taehyung sighs, waiting for the questions, demands, whatever it was that Jeongguk was here for.

 But they never come.

Instead Jeongguk reaches over and grabs Taehyung's laptop sitting on the table. He hands it over as he settles himself next to Taehyung on the bed.

Taehyung looks at him hesitantly, a question in his eyes. The younger drops something onto Taehyung's hand.

He looks down at the tiny flash drive nestled on his palm.

"Jeongguk?" he asks softly but Jeongguk merely gives him a shy smile, rare dimples showing.

"There's just one file in there. I um.. I want you to see it." He looks a little flustered, running his fingers through his hair distractedly. Taehyung wonders what it was in it that made the younger man this nervous. He wordlessly powers on the laptop and connects the device.

Jeongguk seems to visibly tense next to him. Taehyung's finger hovers over the trackpad, then he lets his hand drop as he turns towards the younger.

"Jeongguk, what's gotten you so worked up? If it's something you don't want me to see then you don't have to-"

Jeongguk shakes his head vehemently. "No I- It's something I made. For you. It was meant as a birthday present last year, but.." he trails off, looking unsure.

"You couldn't finish it on time?" Taehyung asks softly. "Jeongguk, you know I wouldn't have minded. We were all busy"

Jeongguk shakes his head again. "No, I.. I actually finished it a whole week before your birthday."

"Oh" Taehyung says. "Then why..."

Jeongguk seemed to be steeling himself. "I got the idea after the exhibition, you know?" he says, ignoring Taehyung's question.

"When we visited, way back in September. It was really cool, seeing an exhibition about us, seeing all the things that consisted of our lives for the past five years. But... for me, thinking about those five years, there was one person who was a constant in my life, a fundamental part which had such an impact on me that I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren’t for everything he did for me when I was younger. All my hyungs cared for me a lot, but he was...special. I spent my younger days glued to his side, but I couldn't help but notice that for all of that, that exhibition contained not a single memory of us."

He slowly looks up and meets Taehyung's eyes, and Taehyung knows exactly what the younger was talking about. For once he had dared hope that they wouldn't go that far as to omit something so important, so prominent from their younger days. But he couldn't really say he was surprised when he saw hundreds of photos, but not a single of him and Jeongguk together except group photos.

Taehyung couldn't help the wash of disappointment, but he didn't really ponder on it. He'd never actually thought Jeongguk even noticed, and even if he did, that he cared that much since there were plenty of other pictures of both of them anyway. But it seemed that Jeongguk noticed a lot more than he let on.

But more than that, the fact that Jeongguk was speaking of it now...Taehyung couldn't help the hammering of his heart, screaming at him to figure out what this meant, but his brain refuses to cooperate. He stares at the younger, hungrily drinking in his words.

"So I thought, to hell with the exhibition. I'm going to make my own memories, right in my studio."

Taehyung feels captivated by the younger's deep brown eyes, the conviction in them.

"It was early September, so I had around four months. I went hunting for my old things. My older cameras and hard drives I'd stashed in the closet and forgotten about. I looked through all of them. Found so many things I'd even forgotten existed. Rediscovered old places I'd forgotten I'd visited." He laughs, a pure and beautiful sound that has Taehyung sucking in a breath.

"I made folders, so that I could give them to you guys, but... nearly half of the photos and videos were of you Taehyung."

Taehyung doesn't say anything, because considering their older days it would be a surprise if they had not. Jeongguk used to get annoyed at him, when Taehyung insisted on photo bombing almost everything the younger tried to take with derpy faces, but at the end of the day Jeongguk couldn't stop laughing at his antics.

"And well, I made another GCF of sorts. So yeah. That's what it is."

Taehyung doesn't respond, just opens the folder and clicks play.

He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but it definitely wasn't this. Every single footage was taken by Jeongguk himself, over the span of five years. And they were all of Taehyung. He remembers most of them when he sees them, and realizes that he too had forgotten those memories, only for them to come resurfacing. He marvels at how young he looks, and every time his younger self's eyes found the camera, there was a broad grin on his face and the happiness on his face was clear to see. But only Taehyung knew that it was because of the person behind the camera had always been his most precious source of happiness.

But watching the video in the present, Taehyung finds himself seeing a new perspective. One he hadn't realized, or rather refused to see before.

There was Taehyung blowing bubbles from inside a car, him running in a field of grass as the camera chased behind, waving his arms as he stood on top of a rock, smearing ice cream over his face as he makes faces at the camera, playing with a puppy he found on the street, him sitting on a ledge, soaking up the sun as it glinted on his face, a beach somewhere Taehyung doesn't even remember, him playfully splashing water and the camera jerking back as Taehyung obviously tried to splash Jeongguk too.

It wasn't a mirror, he was seeing himself through Jeongguk's eyes, and he marvels at how much attention Jeongguk seemed to have paid him, even when he wasn't looking. Taehyung rolling on the floor in a mess of limbs with Jimin, him asleep sprawled over Hoseok, feeding Yoongi a piece of chicken, laughing his head off with Seokjin at something the elder had said, crazily bopping to some track with Namjoon. The audio had been removed, replaced with a song but Taehyung knows that had the original audio been there, he would have been able to hear Jeongguk's high pitched giggles. It seemed as if Jeongguk's eyes had always been following him, no matter what.

There were more recent ones too, footage from America, when they’d visited the Eiffel in Paris, the hotel in Japan, Taehyung sitting opposite the camera with his laptop while they discussed some choreography, Taehyung playing with Yeontan. Taehyung has no idea when it was. He guesses earlier last year, judging by Yeontan's size, and certainly doesn't remember seeing Jeongguk filming them. The younger must have been in a corner, unnoticed. It makes Taehyung's heart do a weird flip, seeing that Jeongguk had been watching him countless times he didn't even know.

The editing was skillfully done, as always. The scenes transitioning form one to another with added effects, all morphing seamlessly into a movie of sorts. Taehyung watches, transfixed, different emotions welling up inside of him and he doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry or disappear into oblivion from the sheer weight of everything he was feeling right now.

All this time. .. And maybe Taehyung hadn’t been the only one, after all.

After the video ends, there’s silence. Jeongguk seemed to be waiting for him to speak but Taehyung doesn’t know what to say, how to say it. In the end he settles for a croaked whisper of thank you.

He realizes it isn’t enough so he slowly slips his hand into the younger’s and squeezes, the pressure familiar and comforting.

Jeongguk looks up to meet his eyes, the big eyes that a lot of people said held galaxies inside of them. They saw the galaxies, but Taehyung saw every glittering star scattered across them.

“Really, Jeongguk” he whispers. “This… this means a lot to me."

Jeongguk smiles, that shy smile which made his nose scrunch adorably and eyes crinkle at the corners.

“I hope you know now, hyung.” He murmurs, not taking his eyes away from Taehyung. The words make Taehyung’s stomach drop.

“What do you mean?” he whispers, hesitantly.

And Taehyung can’t believe it, doesn’t want to, he’d gone so long tiptoeing across the truth, skirting around the edges, but now he has to step into the pit.

“The reason I didn’t give this to you before like I originally planned.” The younger continues, answering Taehyung’s earlier question.

“I – I was afraid hyung.” Jeongguk says, looking down at his lap, finally breaking eye contact. His hand twitches in Taehyung’s hold, but he doesn’t pull away.

“I was afraid that if you saw, you’d find out. It was too raw. Anyone watching that can grasp the desperation of the boy behind the lens, and you know me too well, more than anyone.”

“What are you trying to say, Jeongguk-ah?" Taehyung asks, heart hammering because he’s not ready. He probably never will be.

Jeongguk lifts his head again and gives him a wry smile. “I think you know.”

And the truth is, Taehyung does. Really. They don’t need spoken words to understand what’s between them. And the biggest surprise, is the lack of it about the revelation.

Because at that moment, Taehyung realizes that he had known. He’d known, from the way Jeongguk looked at him, so intensely it might burn but there was only the soft warmth of love, the way his hand brushed over Taehyung’s waist, almost there but not quite touching as if he were afraid to be caught. Jeongguk’s soft smile, almost unnoticeable, when he was watching Taehyung from the sidelines. The way the younger complimented him as if he truly wanted Taehyung to know, the way Jeongguk was protective of him, not the loud way Jimin was, but quietly and subtly, as if he didn’t really want anyone to notice.

He’d known, when Jeongguk had completely lost it when he thought Taehyung was in danger, the way he wouldn’t hesitate to protect him, uncaring about himself.

Taehyung had known, but he’d turned a blind eye on sheer self preservation. Because he couldn’t bear getting his hopes up and then having them crushed. He'd been afraid of being proven wrong. But right then, looking at Jeongguk, he knows it had been futile. Maybe the problem with them was that the more both of them tried to hide, the more transparent they became. It was ironic, but Taehyung couldn’t ignore it when the truth was staring him in the face.

Taehyung doesn’t have words, so instead he does what he’s familiar with, what he’d been doing for years. He shoves the laptop away, not even caring when it snaps shut and thuds onto the carpeted floor and throws his arms over Jeongguk’s shoulders, pulling him in and burying his face on the crook of Jeongguk’s neck. He clutches the younger's shirt and squeezes their bodies together until there’s no space left.

Taehyung doesn’t think he’d ever held anyone so tightly.

He was probably suffocating Jeongguk but the younger encircles his arms around Taehyung's waist and he feels the weight of Jeongguk’s head leaning on top of his. Taehyung breathes in deeply, trying to hold himself together. He doesn’t have words. Not now. Maybe not ever.

He hopes Jeongguk understands, because he can’t speak, his throat is clogged up, and he knows that if he says one word he would start crying. So he keeps his face hidden, listening to the familiar breathing, inhaling the familiar scent.

When Jeongguk speaks, Taehyung feels it more through the reverberations in his chest rather than hearing it directly.

"I wasn't sure, until now." he says. "I didn't know whether I'd read it wrong. Coming to you was a risk I took. But after what happened today I just... I couldn't. I didn't want to hide anymore. I wanted to tell you, and know what your reaction was, for better or for worse.”

Taehyung shifts, hooking his chin over the younger's shoulder, snuggling tighter. He doesn't want him to stop speaking.

“I never dared to imagine this, you know?” Jeongguk's voice is soft, almost reverent. “I never thought it possible that you could feel the same way about me.”

That makes Taehyung pause, and he reluctantly disentangles himself, moving back so he can look at Jeongguk’s face.

“Why ever not? You really didn’t believe it, even after how much I cared for you?”

Jeongguk blushes, a dash of crimson slowly spreading across his full cheeks.

“No, it’s just that, you were too beautiful, too perfect, I didn’t know what you would see in someone like me.”

Taehyung just stares at him, too shocked to speak. Jeongguk had always called him handsome. Even when they were little and Seokjin was definitely the looker, Jeongguk still chose him when asked who the best looking was, albeit earning glares from their eldest. Taehyung had kept wondering why, but maybe there were deeper reasons for it, as he’s finding out now.

“You are literally the most gorgeous person I’ve ever seen, but also the purest soul with the kindest heart. You had so much to love to give everyone, I always kept wondering how the five other guys didn’t fall for you.” Jeongguk says, his blush darkening.

“I was young, and I always used to get jealous when one of them so much as touched you a little too intimately. I was inexperienced and naïve, and I fell for you so hard and so deep. The thing is, I learnt how to fall in, but I never quite managed to fall out again.”

Taehyung doesn’t cry, he’d always managed to keep the perfect poker face, but Jeongguk, Jimin and his hyungs had always been his weakness. And hearing Jeongguk’s words, the pure emotion behind them, he feels the telltale dampness in his own eyes, salty tears collecting at the corners but refusing to spill just yet.

Everything he’d gone through in the past few years, the emotional conflict within himself, with his peers, it seemed that Jeongguk had walked through a similar fate. Taehyung suddenly wishes that he hadn’t let the younger suffer so much, because he remembers how much he did, to accept himself, and to make sense of and take control of his emotions. No matter what he went through, the instinct to always protect the younger boy remained.

Taehyung takes a shaky breath. “Jeongguk-ah” he breathes. “I don’t – I don’t know what to say. No I do, I just, there’s so much, but I really can’t find the words tight now, Jeongguk, you-"

Jeongguk gently cups his face, brushing his thumbs under Taehyung’s eyes, wiping away the tears.

"Are you mad at me? For feeling this way?" Jeongguk interrupts and Taehyung shakes his head firmly, denying it.

"How could I, when I've felt this way for years, Jeongguk?”

A small smile tugs at Jeongguk's lips.

“Then you don’t have to hyung.” he whispers. “You don't have to say anything. You told me for seven years. You looked after me when I was young, you were always there for me, and your actions speak louder than your words. If anything, I’m the one who should be saying it. Because I tend to get nervous or embarrassed when there are people around. I’m always cautious near cameras. Because I always feared I’d let my true feelings seep out. I’m not a good actor, so I always thought that distance and avoidance were my best chances. So it might have seemed to you that I don’t care. That I always keep shrugging you off. Or that you don't matter to me because I hang out with the others more than I do with you. So that’s why. That’s why I have to say this now. That whatever happens on camera is not the complete truth. And I want you to know it."

The look in Jeongguk's eyes are so sincere, Taehyung doesn't doubt the words in the slightest. The younger continues in a softer tone.

"Heck, I probably would be cripplingly embarrassed by tomorrow. I don’t know how I’m finding the courage to say these things straight to you right now, because tomorrow morning I’d probably be running down the street naked, screaming my head off."

Taehyung throws back his head and laughs. “You’d definitely get on the headlines. Not to mention, thousands of people will pay a lot for the pictures.” he smirks and Jeongguk punches his arm.

“Shut up” he hisses, but he’s laughing too. Taehyung sees the smile he adores, the beautiful tinkling laugh that tended to get a tad high pitched when he was distracted.

Taehyung reaches out and wraps a hand behind the younger’s neck, slowly pulling him closer until their foreheads rested together.

Jeongguk sighs and closes his eyes. "I love you hyung. So much"

Taehyung rubs his nose along the younger's cheek. "I love you too, Jeongguk-ah. More than you'll ever know."

Taehyung only remembers very few occasions he’d been this happy. It wasn’t the euphoric type, making you giddy, but more the comforting type, of walking into your lover’s arms after a long day at work, feeling the warmth and safety.

He can almost hear the smile in Jeongguk's voice as the younger speaks. "I'm in love with you Taehyung-ah." He says with much more conviction. "I'm sorry it took me this long."

Taehyung shakes his head. "No, Jeongguk. It's not your fault. I never said anything either. I probably wouldn't have, had you not said it first."

At that, he feels the younger tense. "Taehyung.. .why?"

The bubble around them shatters as Taehyung comes crashing back into reality.

He should have known it wouldn't last.

Because good things never do.

The transience was what made it beautiful after all, wasn’t it?

Taehyung doesn’t want this to end, this blissful middle ground they’d arrived at, the peaceful cocoon, the shared warmth as their bodies pressed together.

But he’d rather do this now than prolonging it to when it became even more painful.

Taehyung doesn’t push away, doesn’t even open his eyes when he speaks.

“Jeongguk, did.. did they talk to you too? About…"

He lets the sentence hang and Jeongguk is quiet for a while before whispering “No.”

Taehyung feels the relief wash over him. He'd agreed to them on the term that they say nothing of it to Jeongguk. Of course the argument worked in his favour because Taehyung was always the clingier of the two while Jeongguk wasn't the physically affectionate type. And between the two of them, Taehyung was the elder so it automatically came upon him to keep it in check.

Besides, everyone had a soft spot for Jeongguk and that didn't exclude the company or their staff. The golden maknae was precious in everyone's hearts. And they would always try to keep him in the best condition. Taehyung on the other hand... he couldn't say the same about himself.

He doesn't know why it was exactly, but he was always the least regarded. Since their debut, when BTS were supposed to be a six member group, and Taehyung had been hidden and undecided until the last moment. And even when it came to trivial things regarding them, the company somehow seemed to mess up when it came to him.

Of course Taehyung never paid it any heed, because the members loved him the same and never let him feel worthless or different from them. So he really couldn't be bothered with what the company thought. Nor had he ever been jealous of Jeongguk for the special treatment he seemed to receive. The younger wasn't even aware of it and it wasn’t his fault everyone doted on him. It was just the way things were.

He had never wanted Jeongguk, or anyone else for that matter, to know what the company had warned him of. But he'd been reckless tonight and he’s sure everyone had at least an inkling of the truth.

And with the way Jeongguk was staring at him now, focused, Taehyung knows that the younger wouldn't let it drop until Taehyung explained.

Taehyung draws back, taking a deep breath. "Jeongguk, look. I-"

But before he could get any further, Jeongguk interrupts him. "They cornered you, didn't they." It wasn't a question. He spoke with a steely edge to his voice.

Taehyung doesn't respond and that seemed to be the only affirmation the younger needed.

"They can't do that. And why just you and not me, if it was that much of a problem? They did tell me not to cling to a certain member too much and to be with all of you equally when we were on camera but I never thought they would do something like this, to you, behind my back-"

"Jeongguk-ah" Taehyung says in a placating tone. "Please. I don't want to talk about it so please don't ask me what they said or did. I know what they did was morally wrong but.. I signed a contract. We all did. And that binds us to do whatever they tell us to. We renewed it last year, and for me it came with a new set of regulations. And I-I accepted it." He whispers, hanging his head.

"Taehyung."

Taehyung looks up again, a look of determination in his eyes. "Jeongguk. You know what it means. You're not a child anymore. You're old enough to understand. This... society doesn't accept it, and if we were to go through with it, it's bound to cause a scandal. And I would bear it for us but... we have to look at the bigger picture. Because it isn't just us being affected. That's.. that's why I had no choice Jeongguk. Please understand. I don't want to lie to you anymore or hide anything from you."

Taehyung isn't sure what he was expecting to see in Jeongguk's eyes, but it certainly wasn't the rueful resignation. It hurt to see the brightness in them from a moment ago dull into this, but there was nothing Taehyung could do to change it.

Taehyung continues in a somber tone.

“Because, no matter what we want, we can’t do that to the others…. Seokjin hyung and Namjoon hyung… a lot of backlash will go to them as the eldest and leader. And Yoongi hyung and Hoseok hyung, they’ve been here a lot longer than us. They would lose the company’s favour.. And Jimin as well..."

“It just simply isn’t possible, is it hyung.” Jeongguk states matter of factly. His tone held not anger but the weight of truth.

Taehyung lets out a shuddering breath.

“Do you think, they… that they would support us, if they knew?” he whispers questioningly.

Jeongguk pauses, but his reply doesn’t surprise Taehyung. It was the same thing he’d been thinking.

“I doubt they don’t already suspect something. They practically raised us. They know us more than we know ourselves sometimes. And I… I think they would. They love us, and I know they would support us.”

Taehyung nods, he knows it’s the truth. But that didn’t make things any easier.

“But we can’t let them make such a decision can we.” Jeongguk says softly.

Taehyung reaches out again and brushes his fingers through Jeongguk’s bangs. It was a habit that was ingrained in him that he doesn’t even realize it. He trails his hand down and comes to rest at the younger’s cheek.

“They would do it for us, they would fight for us, but I’m not going to let anyone sacrifice their career for me. I just… this is our life. This is what we all love doing. The hyungs, Jiminie, me, you, I know this is your passion Jeongguk. I see it every time I see you on stage. It's the same for me. But...but if we go forward, it would end up with it costing us this.”

Taehyung inhales sharply. He’s scared, because he doesn’t want Jeongguk to feel like he was being rejected or that Taehyung was choosing his own career over his feelings for the younger. But there was simply nothing else to do. Taehyung had known it for a long time, had thought about it, when he’d thought of taking his secret to the grave. But even with a confession, even with the air cleared between them, it still made no difference to the grand scheme of things. Because outside the closed door lay the real world. This wasn’t a fantasy, and sooner or later they’d have to face reality. He doesn’t want to hurt Jeongguk, but he sees no other choice.

Surprisingly, Jeongguk doesn’t seem fazed. He stares at Taehyung for a while and sighs. “I know.”

The simple words feel like a knife to his chest. Even though it was the exact same thing Taehyung had been thinking for so long, it still hurt to hear the confirmation. That they really stood no chance.

“I understand hyung. I do. I know the position we’re in now. I know we can’t just run away and live happily ever after.” he chuckles drily.

“Jeongguk-ah” Taehyung says softly, and he doesn’t know whether it was the simple act of speaking his name, or the weight of affection in his tone, but a single tear rolls down the younger's cheek.

Taehyung reaches out and cups both hands over Jeongguk's face, his own throat burning. He wanted to shout at the fates for putting Jeongguk through this. Weren’t confessions meant to be happy moments? But for them it seemed to be their curse. Maybe remaining oblivious would have hurt less.

“I’m sorry” Taehyung says, looking down, unable to meet the younger’s eyes.

Jeongguk places his own hand on top of Taehyung’s. “No Tae. Please don’t say that. I-I would never regret this.  Loving you is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. It's not your fault. Or mine. I’d rather have this for a day than not ever meeting you. I can’t even imagine that. It’s okay. It’s.. Maybe, once this is all over… maybe.."

He trails off, looking unsure and Taehyung feels his heartbeat speeding up again. He’d never dared even hope for it because he’d been too afraid to have his heart broken. But now… things were different. As he thinks about it, maybe a future wasn’t too impossible. When whatever they did would not threaten the group or the members in any way…

“Will you wait that long, for me? Seven years is a long time, Jeongguk-ah. A lot can happen.”

Jeongguk gives him a lopsided smile. “It is, but I’m not going anywhere am I? I did this for seven years, I really doubt another seven will make me love you any less.” he says honestly.

Taehyung stares at him in awe, wondering how it ever came to this. Whether he was dreaming, because this was a side of Jeongguk he rarely saw, if ever. The younger was never one to straight up admit how much he cared, and for him to be doing it now, Taehyung knows he must truly mean it.

Taehyung remembers the small child he’d first met, the way Jeongguk would hunch in on himself to make himself unnoticeable, who always went and sat in the corner alone after practice, because he was too awkward to start up a conversation with anyone. How he had looked at Taehyung with wide eyes, how he slipped his palm onto the elder’s own when he was in need of reassurance. The tentative singer that became a master of his trade. And Taehyung looks at the young man in front of him now. The confidence, and yet the most humble, strikingly gorgeous in a nonchalant way, the captivating eyes, the open expression with which he stared at Taehyung.

He can’t lose it.

Taehyung runs his finger over the younger's cheeks in a soft caress.

“One day.” he says, staring deep into a Jeongguk’s eyes.

 “One day when this is all over, I’ll be able to hold your hand without having to check over my shoulder. I’ll be able to walk down the street with you without people whispering behind our backs. One day I’ll be able to hold you in my arms without hindrance. One day…" his breath hitches, and he says softly “One day I'll be able to kiss you breathless, pull you in and never let go. So please, wait for me?”

Tears were freely falling down the younger’s cheeks by now but he pulls Taehyung in and wraps strong arms around Taehyung's lithe frame.

“Seven years, ten years, for you, I’d wait an infinity.”

Taehyung pulls back. He wants to reach out, pull Jeongguk in and mold their lips together, see how they fitted perfectly against each other. But he knows that if he let himself indulge once, he wouldn’t be able to stop. He wasn’t that strong. And he wasn’t going to string the younger on when their future was as unstable as grains of sand in a desert. So instead he reaches up and presses his lips to the younger’s forehead, carding his fingers through the soft black locks. Jeongguk leans into the touch.

“Taehyung-ah” Jeongguk says, voice wobbling slightly.

Taehyung doesn’t respond, just buries his face in the younger’s hair as Jeongguk continues.

“I will wait for you, as long as you want. But the future is variable, and… and we might not end up together. Because, even after this, the world won’t stop looking at us. We will never stop being public figures, we cannot escape the scrutiny. We will be judged, and we have to think of our families, of ourselves. I would never ask you to go against your parents if it ever came to that. Because I know how much you love them. And… And if it’s not this lifetime, then I’ll still wait for you. If this one isn’t for us, then we will find each other in the next. I-I believe that.”

Both of them were openly crying at this point, a mess of limbs tangled together but neither of them cared. The younger's words bury themselves deeply in him and Taehyung finds himself hoping, once again.

Maybe, in another lifetime, they could rewrite the stars. If fate brought them together like this, then he knows that it was meant to be. He knows that they had something that surpassed boundaries. Taehyung doesn’t know how it got them there, but he was right there in Jeongguk’s arms and at that moment, it was the only thing that mattered.

Taehyung always felt small in such a vast world, and yet, Jeongguk’s words give him strength. He draws back, and offers the younger a smile though the tears.

“I believe it too, because I don’t think both of us endured so much, for so long, silently, if there wasn’t something true there. So yes, I won’t fantasize about an unknown future. I’ll try my best to fight for you, for us, but if circumstances deny us that chance, I won’t give up. I’ll always keep looking for you, no matter where, when or even who we are.”

Taehyung knows that nothing would change, at least outwardly. They still had to keep their distance. But talking it through had taken an unknown weight off his shoulders. Because he knew that no matter where the future took them, even on different paths, that Jeongguk would always cherish and protect what they had, just like he would.

Jeongguk gives him a rueful smile, wiping at his tearstained face. He takes a deep breath, as if calming himself down.

“So what happens now, hyung?”

Taehyung purses his lips. “I guess we’ll have to talk to the guys.”

Jeongguk nods at him. “Okay. And we will have to speak to management. There’s no avoiding it. But this time you’re not alone hyung.”

Jeongguk smiles softly, brushing his fingers over Taehyung’s knuckles.

“This time I’m going to be with you. We’ll do it. Together.”

Taehyung nods, his own mouth curling upwards. “Together.”

“Love is half half.” Jeongguk offers jokingly, trying to lighten the mood. Taehyung cracks a smile at that.

“Love is mutual.” he says, reaching out and hooking their pinkies together.

Jeongguk understands immediately, his lips curving upwards. They hadn’t done this in so long.

Taehyung doesn’t remember falling in love. He doesn’t know how or why or when it happened. But maybe their handshake had been made in an unconscious agreement, even if neither of them realized it at that time.

I love you.

The handshake had been made with meaning, and it had been used by both of them as a sign of communication, telling the other that no matter what happened they were always there for each other.

Taehyung twists his hand up, aligning their thumbs together and presses down on the pad of Jeongguk’s finger, sealing them.

I promise you.

✧

Taehyung stares at the sea of purple, the wide arena stretching out into the seemingly endless distance. He could hear the chorus of thousands of people, their fans. He feels the thrill of exhilaration, the euphoria coursing though him. This was what he was born to do.

He lifts the mic, and as the first notes float out, the arena quietens down.

It was the very first time he was singing this outside the recording studio. His very first self composed song, and to be singing it in front of thousands of people, was happiness beyond explanation.

Taehyung continues singing, and he hears a soft voice quietly harmonizing one line, and his heart soars at hearing it. He turns, sees the six other guys sitting on the stage in front of him. They were all listening intently, proud smiles on their faces and if he’d been happy before, the feeling was multiplied tenfold. Hoseok and Jimin start waving their hands to the rhythm and Taehyung  smiles at them, still singing his heart out, the notes flowing out smoothly. And suddenly, his eyes lock on that intense pair of brown eyes he‘d been searching for.

It makes his heart lift, and Jeongguk seemed to sense it. The younger lifts his arms as well, swaying them in tune. Taehyung breaks out into a grin, turning away because he couldn’t afford to start laughing. He was coming to the chorus part, and he realizes that in his excitement he’d started a touch too high in pitch, and as he gets to the highest note in the chorus, he goes off key, lowering it to the original pitch to avoid straining.

Taehyung cringes internally at the fact that he messed up, turning back towards his members on instinct to see their reaction. He knows they noticed but their smiles hadn’t left their faces. They were watching patiently, and Jeongguk was still waving his arms. Even though Taehyung cringes at himself, Jeongguk-who always maintained the perfect pitch- seemed unfazed. He seemed to realize that Taehyung had been excited even before he started. Jeongguk throws his arms even higher, as if the off note was the purest sound in heaven. He was exaggerating, trying to make Taehyung feel less awkward about it, telling him that it was okay. Everyone made mistakes, it was only natural. The important thing was to keep going. Taehyung feels less nervous. One missed note didn’t mean he had to worry himself about it.

He finishes singing, and Namjoon smiles wide. Taehyung feels the tension leave him. Hoseok stands up and runs towards him, and Taehyung feels like it was his greatest achievement yet. Six years in the music industry, it had taken him a long time, but he’d finally done it.

He sees Jeongguk stand up and come forward as well. He doesn’t run, merely gives Taehyung a smile and Taehyung sees the world in it. He knows Jeongguk wouldn’t be open about his affections like the others were, but he still knows everything that smile meant, and Taehyung smiles back.

Some love stories were legendary, they were told around the world, spoken of in awe. Those were beautiful and rare. But there were a lot more exceptional ones, hidden in the shadows. A lot of stories, truer than the well known sometimes, but which never got to come to fulfillment.

Taehyung doesn’t know what kind his will be, whether it was something everyone would know about, or whether it would get buried with the passage of time, only known to the two people who shared those feelings, but never got to speak them out, got to act them out.

But just like Jeongguk said before, Taehyung can’t make himself regret it. Rather, he’s glad that he fell for the best person possible. And even if they didn’t end up together in this lifetime, it was a privilege to love someone like that, even from a distance. And he knows that Jeongguk loves him back. The two of them might take two drastically different paths, or maybe they will walk along parallels lines, always next to each other but never touching, stretching on to infinity.

Even so, Taehyung knows that a part of him belongs to Jeongguk, and that no matter what the future brought, he’d always treasure that special place in his heart. A teenaged boy with large teeth and chubby cheeks, a young man with stars in his eyes and a beautiful smile. Taehyung would treasure him, his first love.

Maybe they were V and Jungkook of BTS, idols adored by millions. Or maybe they were just Taehyung and Jeongguk, two boys who fell in love when the timing was wrong. Whoever they were, they found a special place in each other’s hearts. And because of that, Taehyung knows that they will find each other again, in this lifetime or the next. In a parallel universe, an alternate timeline. 

Maybe it was a fateful coincidence, but he believes it.

For now, he’ll just keep his fingers crossed, and hope for the best.

“As long as I’m with hyung, I’m happy no matter where we go.”

  -JJG-

“My eyes are always on you. I love you.”

-KTH-