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Poe Dameron set down the drink he had been nursing for the past hour when his phone vibrated in his pocket. Seeing her name on the screen, he squeezed his eyes closed as the familiar ache stabbed him. Perhaps it was the primal urge for self-preservation that screamed at him not to answer the call, but the struggle was real as he pocketed his phone and got back on his drink. He motioned the bartender for another drink, nodding when the man handed him the drink and pointed to the clock. They were closing up soon, and this would be his last drink for the night. He quickly downed the drink, paid his bill, and took a moment to collect himself, feeling a bit unsteady from all the alcohol he consumed that night.
He felt his phone vibrate again when he stuffed his hands in his jacket pocket as he stepped out into the cold night. This time, he couldn’t bring himself not to take the call. He didn’t say a word, waiting for her to talk first.
“Poe.”
She didn’t say anything else, ending the call from her end when he didn’t respond after a few moments. But there was no need for more words. The way she said his name, the needy catch in her voice – he felt her anguish. He felt his resolve crumbling and he soon found himself giving the cab driver her address.
Letting her go was the last thing he had wanted to do, but it was what she asked for. She didn’t have to take the assignment, but they both knew it was as critical as much as it was risky. He promised her he will be with her every step of the way, and he was. Until she asked him to let her go.
She believed she could bring back the General’s son, even if the General herself saw the hopelessness of the task. Ben Solo had gone from being one of the most favored beings in the galaxy to one of the most despicable ones. His descent to the dark underbelly of organized crime was legendary with the destruction he left on his wake. Rey had inadvertently connected with him in one of the dark web’s chat rooms, where he had been lurking under the guise of Kylo Ren. She believed she could turn him around, and somehow got the approval of powers of the Resistance to allow her to undertake the seemingly impossible task.
Poe could feel how she was slipping away as she got deeper into the task, and he was helpless to stop it. He kept true to his word though, always coming to her whenever she calls, and allowed her to come and go in his life as she wished. She begged him to trust her whenever she glimpses the doubts he tried to hide from her, doubts that he felt guilty for having in the first place, because he really did trust her. He trusted her enough to let her go when she asked him to, even if it broke him.
His logical self admonishes him every time he goes running to her whenever she calls. He’d meet her wherever she asks him to, always sneaking around, lest he gets spotted and blows her cover. It was one of the things he did best, move stealthily in the shadows, and it was probably the only reason he was even still alive. He knew going to her was playing with fire, but when she collapses shaking in his arms, all his rationalizations fly away, and all he could do was to hold her for as long as she lets him, comforting her with his silent presence and gentle touch. It always ends with her leaving or asking him to go, and every single time, he breaks a little bit more, and he tells himself it would be the last time he comes to her. He stays true to his word. Until the next time she calls.
*****
Rey took lungfuls of the crisp night air as she stepped out of her apartment building. She usually felt safe and relaxed in her studio apartment, but tonight…she felt anything but. She had to get out, she had to find him, she had to be with him.
Everyone she knew thought she was making the biggest mistake in her life when she made her plan known to the big bosses of the Resistance. They all viewed Ben Solo as a lost cause, even his mother, but Rey somehow still believed that he wasn’t. She felt his confusion and loneliness during their chats, and she knew she should at least try to get him to turn. If she was successful, it might just be the break they need to topple the First Order down.
She knew Ben Solo felt a connection with her, and she admittedly felt some connection with him, too. She wanted to explore that, then use it to get him to make that game-changing choice to abandon the dark path he had been so dead-set to follow. The problem was, once he finds out her true identity, he would also likely find out of her relationship with Poe. Poe Dameron was high on the First Order’s wanted list, closely shadowed by First Order spies, and before she and Poe got together, they worked as partners, the veteran Resistance operative tasked in showing the promising new agent the ropes and in ensuring her survival in the world of cloak and dagger. As First Order boss, Solo had eyes and ears everywhere, and for her to stand a chance in seeing her plan to completion, she had to leave Poe. For real.
It would’ve been easier if Poe had been angry and upset about her decision. Instead, he just quietly let her go, agreeing to step aside so that she can do what she needed to do. Before she left, his last words to her was a promise that he will always be there for her to come back to, if she wanted to. Rey walked away shattered, she never had to leave anyone before, she had been so used to being the one left behind.
It had been a brutal year. Ben – Kylo Ren, as he was known in the dark web and in the underbelly, was a master manipulator. It wasn’t long before he figured out her insecurities and started using those against her. He used their connection to browbeat her to using her hacking prowess for shady business for his organization. Within a few weeks, he had nearly reduced her to an emotional puddle without laying a hand on her, and it was then when she risked a call to Poe. He somehow managed to get to her without detection, the moment she stepped into his arms, she began to feel right again. They spent the night on the bed simply holding each other, and at dawn, Rey felt renewed and strong enough to carry on with her mission.
It wouldn’t be the one and only time Rey called on Poe. She would call him whenever she felt like she was drowning, and he always came. She knew it wasn’t fair on him, she saw how he always seemed to be a bit more wounded whenever she decides it was time for them to go their separate ways. Finally, Rey decided that she couldn’t continue doing that to him, no matter how much she felt she needed him.
She managed to carry out the rest of the mission on her own. Two weeks ago, she and Ben Solo walked together through the doors of the Resistance. Solo came on his own volition, and as he was whisked away, a grateful Leia had embraced Rey. Her mission was complete, the nightmare was over.
She had imagined she would be rushing back to Poe the moment this mission was done. She desperately wanted to, but she suddenly felt a very consuming uncertainty. What if Poe no longer wanted her back? What if his only reason for coming whenever she called was to see the mission through? Those were definitely strong possibilities, and Rey knew she couldn’t deal if either or both were true. So she retreated, choosing the ambiguity. Right now, she can deal with not knowing.
At least that was what she thought she was doing until she accidentally knocked a box as she was reaching for her jacket in her closet. Out spilled random objects that wouldn’t mean anything to anybody else but meant the world for her. She found herself staring at picture-perfect memories scattered on her floor. She then knew she couldn’t go on like this.
He didn’t answer her first call, fuelling her insecurities even more. She tried to rationalize – maybe he was driving, maybe he was in the shower, maybe he left his phone somewhere, maybe, maybe, maybe. She tried to wait as long as she could before calling again, and this time he did pick up, but he didn’t say a word. Her heart sank, and all she could utter was his name. When this was met with more silence from his end, she terminated the call as the tears just started falling. Soon, she felt the walls closing in, the air getting thick. That was when she bolted.
She began to walk aimlessly now, and it wasn’t surprising that her feet took her to his doorstep. His house was dark and quiet, his driveway empty. She didn’t even try knocking, knowing the pointlessness of the action. Turning around, she began retracing her steps.
*****
He stood on the sidewalk in front of her apartment building as the cab drove away. He could see her windows were dark. Wearily, he walked to the intercom and buzzed her. No answer. He waited a bit and tried again, still no answer. He began to feel worried when there was still no answer after the fifth buzz. Fully alert now, he decided to try the fire escape and made an easy job of getting her window. It was locked, but locked windows and doors have never been obstacles for him. It wasn’t the first time he had been in this situation. A sickening feeling was beginning to grip him, as he remembered how he found her in fetal position on her bed the last time he had to enter her apartment this way. It was also the last time he saw her.
“Rey?” he called softly as his feet hit her apartment floor. Silence.
He waited until his eyes adjusted, the light from the neighboring building providing weak illumination. There was no one else in the apartment. His attention was caught by an upturned box near the wardrobe, with an eclectic mix of familiar objects close to it. He felt a familiar ache when he recognized the items: keys to his house, a pen from the hotel room they decided to share in one of their missions, Rey’s flight-suit clad teddy bear from childhood, his old air-force shirt that he let Rey wear the morning after they first made love. He dropped to a squat and picked up his shirt, his eyes resting on the other objects on the floor. He was still staring on the items when he heard a key opening her door lock.
“Poe!” she exclaimed, freezing at the sight of him, her hand still on the door knob. He turned on his heel and stood up, facing her. He made no further move, choosing to remain rooted to where he was standing, the sight of her after months of her absence rendering him speechless. He could see that she had been crying, looking skittish and unsure and defeated. It took every bit of self-control for him to stay still and wait for her to decide: to go to him, or to tell him to go.
After what seemed like eternity, she stepped inside and closed the door, taking time to secure all the locks. And then she was facing him, faltering in her steps as she approached him. Only his eyes moved, following her as she continued to walk towards him, refusing to meet his gaze. He felt himself hold his breath when they were finally standing close enough to touch. She lifted her hand as if reaching out for him, only to pull it back down to her side, her doubts getting the better of her. Neither moved for a few agonizing moments, both gripped with uncertainty even as each of them was desperately wishing that what they felt for the other was not unrequited.
“You came.” It was barely a whisper, but she was standing close enough for him to hear.
“You called.” His voice was gravelly, but there was no harshness in his tone.
With those two words, she knew. He never stopped loving her, despite all the hurt she caused. Her gaze finally met his, finding tenderness amidst the pain. He was true to his word, and now, as he’s always done, he lets her decide. Her hand reached for him again, but this time, she doesn’t pull it back. She doesn’t stop until she was cupping his jaw.
Poe continued to gaze at her, now unabashedly letting her see how she still meant the world to him. As her thumb began to caress his cheek, he closed his eyes and turned to kiss her palm. When he opened his eyes again, his eyes met hers again. Her hand moved up until her fingers were buried in his hair, gently pulling him closer to her. He found that he finally move again, one arm going around her waist as she took that final step towards him. His other hand brushed her hair away from her face, before he closed the distance between their lips. They kissed until they were both breathless, reveling in the familiarity of the other.
For the first time since she broke up with him, Rey felt truly happy. She pulled back to look at him in amazement and gratitude, and as much as she wanted to let herself get lost in him, there was one more matter that she needed to deal with. Unable to ignore the gnawing ache, her eyes were pleading as she spoke up again. “Will you…can you ever forgive me for everything I did?”
She had hurt him, again and again, to the point that sometimes he felt he’ll always feel broken. Nevertheless, he knew she had to do what she did, stopping her from doing it would have led to possibly irreparable damage to their relationship, so instead of fighting her, he had chosen to support her even if he suffered in the process. Everything that happened was due to his choice as much as it was to hers. He gave her a kiss on the forehead before replying. “There is nothing to forgive, Rey.”
With a sob, Rey sagged against him. “I wasn’t sure if you were going to take me back.”
“You doubted me?” Poe asked in a soft tone.
“After all the pain I caused, how can I not? Who will go through all that and still take back…”
“I would,” Poe interrupted her. “When you love somebody, you’ll find yourself going through unimaginable hell sometimes for them.”
He kept both of his arms around her as he continued talking. “I love you, Rey. There were times when I wished I didn’t, when it just felt so hard, but it is what it is. When you love someone, you can’t really just switch if off when it’s convenient or too painful, you just gotta live with it.”
“I don’t deserve you, Poe,” Rey whispered. “You deserve someone so much better than me.”
Poe kissed her on the forehead. “Let me be the judge of that. It’s not about what I do or don’t deserve. I love you. Whether you walk away or come back to me…I love you.”
“All I ever wanted was to get back to you, I never stopped loving you,” Rey confessed. “Will you take me back?”
“I already told you I would.”
“Then I’m yours,” Rey’s arms went around his neck, returning his embrace. She pressed her lips against his, repeating the words over and over through the kiss. She sighed as Poe deepened the kiss, surrendering fully to him. Her mouth opened, inviting him in, wanting him to claim what was his, what had always been his. She came back to him, and he was there to take her back, just as he promised.