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Seo Changbin had a very important image to uphold. The same image that, even if it was very simple, shook the whole school at the mere mention of it; dark clothes, even darker attitude, neatly combed undercut (he was very proud of the ‘SpearB’ clearly shaved on the right side of his head, and he swore to God, it looked sick) and a personality that, if he were to admit, did not match the way he held himself around other people at all.
Seo Changbin also hated very cute boys that made his dark heart flutter within seconds. The worst thing was that they didn’t even have to try and he’d become a hot, blushing mess. In unfortunate situations like that, it was clear that Changbin was barely able to gather enough self-control to hold himself back from gushing all over them. The boy that broke school rules on the regular, never wore his uniform (and when he did, he wore it incorrectly on purpose), talked back to teachers and even got into fights should not be capable of developing romantic feelings for anybody. Especially not for a dangerously cute foreigner that just so happened to be his first group project partner in what felt like years.
He was the way he was; a cold, ruthless underground rapper who wrote morbid lyrics and had his ego grow even bigger when he’d see the admiration in his classmates’ eyes at the mere mention of him.
Still, he had to let it out somehow. Perhaps he was just being delusional, just like with many things in life.
When he told Jisung about the odd situation of dreaming the same boy over and over again (it had been six nights in a row, if he remembered correctly), the younger almost tumbled over from how hard he started laughing. Changbin, as confused and annoyed he was, had to wait at least three minutes until Jisung recollected himself and stopped giggling even at the slightest thought of his poor best friend going through such struggles. Even after he did manage to calm down, it was very obvious to Changbin that he was still holding back his laughter. He flinched in his seat, agitation written all over his face.
“Poor Binnie-hyung!” Jisung sighed dramatically, flopping on his chair and turning around so that he was facing Changbin who, no matter the situation, was always seated behind him. In most situations, Changbin found it very useful (after all, Jisung did study hard, acing most of his exams) but at times like these, he wished his seat was behind the mighty Hwang Hyunjin whose love for Changbin was simply oozing out of him. Changbin folded his arms over his chest, breathing out as his pierced tongue nervously slid over his bottom lip. “...But why Fel-”
“Not so loud, Jisung!” Before Jisung could even finish it off, Changbin hushed him immediately. He sprung up from his previously relaxed position to the one where he was face to face with the younger, their breaths mingling together. Jisung could practically feel Changbin breathe down his neck, to which he merely giggled, enjoying the ticklish sensation ghosting over his exposed skin. Changbin furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head to the side, not moving back until Jisung gave him an innocent grin, clearing any evidence of ever saying anything bad.
The black haired male eventually gave in, raising a shaky hand to absentmindedly play with one of the piercings lined up on his right ear: his way of coping when he got nervous. “I don’t know, okay. It started happening a week ago after that Geography group project.” Changbin’s words rolled off of his tongue slowly, his raspy voice not louder than a scared whisper. For the first time ever, he felt like Jisung knew what exactly to do.
Jisung’s grin only grew wider, urging the distressed boy to go on. Changbin figured he was having way too much fun with this situation in which his friend was having frequent meltdowns over a stupid crush — which it definitely wasn’t, and never will be.
“And I’d always have dreams with him in them and… he was really close to me, Jisung.” Changbin panicked momentarily, pale face a mix of sheer embarrassment and anger. How Felix Lee snaked his way to the deepest part of Changbin’s ragged soul, he didn’t know.
“We kissed at one point. Then in my other dream, he held me really close and he kept telling me cute things in his broken Korean and for the first time I thought something was cute even though it was just a dumb dream and then-”
“...Yes?” Jisung whispered, leaning in closer, keeping his wide eyes focused on Changbin. He didn’t even blink, awaiting his next words. He looked like he was engrossed in the greatest drama of all time.
“We… did it…” Changbin admitted, eyes straying away from a now shocked Jisung. He turned all his attention to the floor, fumbling with his sweaty hands and swinging from one side to the other in his seat. Countless thoughts raced through his mind, but not once did he consider that dreaming someone whom he barely knew would mess him up so bad.
Especially when he wakes up bewildered and at a loss of words with his brain stubbornly replaying the events of last night.
“You what?!” The blonde suddenly screeched, momentarily capturing the attention of the whole class. Changbin hunched over from second-hand embarrassment, slightly banging his forehead against his desk. He whispered incoherent swears under his warm breath, eyes shutting tight but fluttering open once again when everybody went back to what they were doing previously, laughing their lunch break away. He could still hear the distant whispers of people commenting on Jisung’s behavior; even Changbin found it embarrassing. How did he not flinch at the negative mention of his name?
“You know what!” Changbin hissed out a sentence after a moment. He got himself to sit up again and and grab both of Jisung’s arms, fingers digging into the material of his ironed uniform. He shook his victim back and forth, watching as his face twitched into an amused grin. “You have to help me, Jisung! Please, please, it’s not like you never dreamt of Minho in that way!” Changbin pleaded and pleaded, voice raising in pitch as he kept the poor boy locked in one place. He took notice of how the latter visibly cringed at the mention of Lee Minho, resulting in the corners of his lips to twitch upwards in a cocky grin. Once again, he was going to get his way.
“You got to tell him.”
Not the advice he was expecting.
Undeniably, Changbin argued against that. He really did, but with Jisung’s reasoning (which made sense for once), it was useless to put up a fight. The younger claimed that he only got to know about Minho’s true feelings for him after he confessed to the boy; Changbin thought that was utter bullshit. And so, to save him all the trouble of confessing to someone, he decided to take matters in his own hands.
Even as he sat on his bed, darkness enveloping him, he refused to close his eyes and let his feelings for a complete stranger toy with him and his messed up mind. Another restless night, another week without proper sleep - it was all better than to dream about that damned Yongbok Lee.
It stopped for some time, but only because sleep was the last thing he had on mind. He would never forgive himself for coming clean about this crush on a boy as precious as Felix. Changbin concluded that, no matter how pathetic it was, that he didn’t deserve someone as lousy as him.
Changbin had finally gone to sleep after a week, content with the fact that Felix was not appearing in his dreams anymore but so worn out that he didn’t even go to school that week. The moment his eyes fluttered close after five days of surviving on bitter coffee and strong energy drinks, the image of the same blonde returned, burning brighter than ever in his mind.
And this time, it was even worse.
Changbin’s loud alarm tugged him out of deep sleep as he frantically sat up, his unclear surroundings spinning around him. He searched all over his bed for his phone, loud music still ringing in his ears and resulting in a few groans of protest to press from his form. After a few dreadful seconds of jumping around the bed and feeling all around it, he finally dug his phone out from his blankets and turned off the alarm (he thanked God that he didn’t have to listen to anymore of GLAM). Blinking haphazardly in his half asleep state, the boy grimaced at twenty messages from Jisung. Paying little to no attention to his clingy friend, Changbin rubbed at his red eyes with the back of his cold hands; in the process of doing so, he mentally cursed at himself for letting the same thing happen again.
If someone casted a spell on him for whatever reason, it was about time they stopped.
Jisung was unusually happy to see Changbin after so long. He paid him visits every day after school, yet still acted as though they were finally meeting each other after a long summer break. Even if the latter was reality, Changbin knew that he'd already be sick of Jisung on the first day of school. With sixteen years of friendship between the two, not seeing each other for a while (especially when Jisung always goes back to Malaysia over summer breaks) meant almost nothing to them. But Jisung would always insist on texting and facetiming.
Felix’s warm hand was on Changbin’s thigh, holding tight. Dark brown eyes bored right through his soul; as his face was nuzzled in Changbin’s bare neck, his teeth sucked and scratched at the exposed skin. The predator on top of him was ruthless, burning him with every little touch he laid upon his helpless body. It felt so real, as if it was happening right then and there. Felix seated himself on top of Changbin, hair tousled back and face scrunched in the most determined scowl Changbin had ever seen. Foreign words that Changbin couldn't make out fell from the boy’s lips, and it looked as if he spoke that way on purpose; to rile up his victim. Changbin couldn’t move from underneath him, only wriggling slightly as Felix lowered himself down, nose pressing into the material of Changbin’s wrinkled shirt. As he went lower and lower, Changbin’s body stiffened. He didn’t move, only awaited the moment Felix’s mouth would come in contact with his skin.
But it never came.
Jisung didn’t have it in himself to laugh at Changbin this time. He listened intently, each word burning deep into the back of his mind and staying there for as long as it could. Changbin’s embarrassment was shown through his slurred words, his eyes flicking around but never meeting Jisung’s. It was almost depressing to see him confused over something so clear; Jisung came to a conclusion that he was only suffering like this because realizing his feelings wasn’t his priority.
Changbin hated losing to Jisung. He hated having arguments that dragged on for hours with him, and most of all, despised doing what he told him to.
‘If you want this to get over with, admit it to him. Nothing else can help you.’ Jisung stated boldly, looking at Changbin in the eyes and not averting his gaze even for a brief moment.
Changbin leaned against a wall, arms crossed over his chest and head kept low. The silence of the hallway made it easy for him to make out the nervous thumping of his heart which only got louder as time progressed. Standing next to Felix’s classroom, waiting for the bell to finally ring and leaving his friends behind was out of character for Changbin. He gnawed at his bottom lip, pulling the soft flesh between his teeth and curling his fingers around his sleeves, digging his nails into the material. Seconds were slowly ticking away, and with each minute that passed, Changbin was closer to his death.
The obnoxious bell finally rang after ten more minutes of pointless waiting. Changbin’s muscles stiffened and he straightened his body, attention quickly turning to the stampede of students shuffling their way out of the classroom. Changbin stared intently from his spot against the wall, nose scrunching up furiously when he didn’t notice a mop of honey-blond hair moving around with the rest of the class. It would've been a blessing if he didn’t come to school that day.
Changbin waited and waited, eventually pushing himself off of the wall and feeling a pang of anxiety that started to weigh down on him as the last student left the classroom. He took his chance and gripped the boy’s arm, hastily pulling him to the side.
Said boy whimpered, big eyes shutting tightly as he went limp in Changbin’s grip. He bit down on his lower lip, a small, shaky smile painted over his face. It seemed as though he was trying to act like he wasn’t scared. “What the hell is up with you? I just wanna know if Yong- Felix, Felix Lee came to class today.” Changbin inquired, subconsciously loosening his grip on the panicking boy.
He was quick to reply, bowing a little out of fear. “Ye- Yes! He’s still i- inside…” He spoke quickly, words stumbling over each other; his voice raised in pitch, getting even higher. Changbin thought it was annoying. “He’s inside, discussing something with the teacher. H- His failing grade in literature, I think.” The black haired student continued, earning a nod of approval from the shorter one. He didn’t waste another second of standing there before he was already on his way, scurrying away from Changbin and proceeding down the hall, calling out to some ‘Yedam’ that Changbin didn’t recognize.
Changbin stood there in utter silence. He heard faint voices from the classroom, but didn’t bother to move any closer and eavesdrop; it was most definitely about school, and school was the last thing on his mind. The once severe anxiety had died out and he was left feeling completely empty, save for a few nervous skips of his heart.
He swallowed, hearing footsteps approach the door - his deep voice grew louder as he came closer, and suddenly, fear snuck its way back to Changbin’s body.
Changbin recoiled at the sight of Felix right in front of him. He was as bright as ever; his soft blonde hair was brushed neatly, the same earring he always wore attached to his ear today as well and his uniform ironed out even better than Jisung’s. Changbin swallowed, hands coming subconsciously up to rest in his pockets, but upon realizing that this was one of the rare days he wore his uniform, he moved them down, not sure what to do anymore.
“Changbin-hyung?”
He was pulled out of his thoughts as Felix’s voice confidently sounded over them. Changbin’s eyes shot up, blinking repeatedly at the fact Felix looked so careless while the most problematic boy in school kept having dreams about him every single night.
“Did you need something?” He continued when Changbin didn’t say anything, curiosity dripping from his deep, accented voice. Changbin’s face grew hotter just at the tone of it.
“Yeah, uh... “ Changbin wanted to hit himself. He imagined this would go much better than what he started off with; he’d confidently claim that he dreamt of Felix the whole past week, then Felix would grow flustered and wouldn’t know what to say, but he’d definitely suggest a solution for the both of them. It seemed like Changbin was anything but confident. He was sinking and becoming so small under Felix’s curious stare - he felt sick. He wanted to go home.
“You know, you really fucking messed me up.” Changbin spat, thin fingers curling in fists and his fingers digging into his skin, leaving small scratches on the spots he abused. Felix’s face turned from bright and soft to one of pure horror. His dark eyes went wide, chapped lips closing and opening as if he wanted to say something, anything, but couldn’t get any of the words out of his system.
“I keep dreaming about you and it’s making me so mad! I didn’t sleep for a whole week because I wanted you to go away, but you know what?” He inhaled. “It didn’t work. I just made things worse for myself, because you still came back to my dreams the first night I slept after a week! Yongbok, you have no idea what I went through while you carried on with your life, and it’s so frustra-”
“Same here.”
“What?”
Changbin looked up, utmost confusion tugging at the sharp features of his face. He blinked, shook his head, and rubbed his eyes; the lack of sleep was getting to him. His red face almost matched Felix’s, who notably looked much more disheveled than before. He was imagining things.
“I said, same here. I dreamt about you too.” Felix began, his calm words soft and gentle in comparison to Changbin’s fierce ones. “Except I couldn’t wait to go to sleep to spend one more night with you.”
A wide smile making its way to the corners of Felix’s lips was all it took for Changbin to break down. He choked back on a sob bubbling up in his chest. His lungs closed in and out as he inhaled and exhaled sharply, swallowing back a pathetic sound that was building up inside of him. Crying in front of Felix Lee was something Seo Changbin couldn’t risk doing.
Without a warning, a pair of arms gently wrapped around Changbin. He was brought in close, head bumping into Felix’s chest. As bewildered as Changbin was, he didn’t dare say anything else. His shaky hands found their way to the blonde’s back and he held on, face buried in his yellow sweater.
“You’re so scared, hyung. I don’t get of what, though.” A smile was evident in his voice, making Changbin stiffen and hit Felix playfully on the back. His chest fluttered with a warm, fuzzy feeling; it spread from there to the rest of his body, hastily coursing through his veins. For the first time, he felt welcomed in someone’s arms. The arms that held him didn’t let go even after a few seconds, and as warmth enveloped him, Changbin managed to look up.
“I don’t know, Yongbok. I don’t… know. I don’t know why you, but ever since the first time I saw your face, you’ve been on my mind. It’s so… annoying.” Changbin admitted, swallowing the thick lump in his throat. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, squeezing his eyes shut and melting away in Felix’s embrace.
Felix merely giggled in return, gentle hand coming up to rest on top of Changbin’s head. One touch was enough for Changbin to give in. With a gentle sigh, he moved his hands up until they were resting on the back of Felix’s neck. Everything else quickly drowned itself out, and the only thing Changbin could think about was Felix.
“I love you, hyung. I really, really love you. I kept thinking about you, you know? Your cute face, your piercings, the way you spoke so confidently. I knew just how adorable you were, even under that dark appearance of yours. You can’t even imagine how much I wanted to hold your body like this.”
A moment of silence. He sounded so careful with his words.
Changbin didn’t move, even as he had an urge to. A craving to feel more of Felix was still present, but he didn’t dare let go. He was pressed into the body that he dreamt of for the longest time ever. It was reality, it truly was happening – this stupid little crush of his, maybe it wasn’t so small after all.
Because if it was Felix who said all those things to him, then he didn’t mind.
“I love you too.”
And for the first time ever, Seo Changbin let love bloom inside of him. His first kiss melted away, and so did Felix’s; even with all the inexperience and sloppiness, he didn’t mind.
Because if it was with Felix Lee, Seo Changbin would travel the whole world.