Work Text:
A familiar tightness in your chest made its self known as you walked into the recording studio. But you brushed it aside once you saw Brian smiling at you through the glass dividing the room. A smile as bright as his could melt any worry you had. As long as you focused on him, you wouldn’t be able to give attention to your distress, and as of late you had plenty to be anxious about. Pushing your thoughts aside, you dropped your bag, along with your body, next to Deaky. He’d been looking down at a scribbled on piece of paper when you walked in, an expression of relief seemed to grace his face upon seeing you, happy for a distraction.
“Hey, y/n.” Smiling at you when you joined him on the couch. “How are classes going?” You tried your best to return the smile, but that was the exact topic you wanted to avoid.
After hearing you complain about your stressful shit show of a job for the thousandth time, Brian had convinced you that maybe it was a good idea to go to college. You knew the older boy was right. It always made you giggle a bit, thinking back to when you first met him. You’d been working at the college library and since Brian spent most of his time there, the two of you became fast friends. However, the look on his face when you told him you had never attended university was a comical one. You guessed being surrounded by endless books and know it all college students had given you an educated vocabulary, but the truth was, you hated school. Always did, and it seems, you always would.
Never the less, after persistent nagging, the older boy convinced you to give university a try. The process of actually starting was a long and tiring one, but Brian stuck by your side and pushed you through. You guessed that’s why it made admitting you were struggling even harder, if you failed after all Brian went through, you didn’t even want to think about that level of disappointment. Just thinking about thinking about it was enough to make you nauseous. And now, with Deaky asking a seemingly innocent question, the tightness in your chest came rushing back. Quickly, you looked across the room again to see Brian. He was in the middle of performing a guitar solo, but he looked up the same time you looked over, giving you another smile, reminding you to breathe.
“Classes are going great, Deaky.” Turning back to John, you began to read the lyrics he had written on the paper in his hands, it looked as though it had been crumpled up more than a few times. “Are you writing a song?”
“Umm,” His cheeks flushed slightly as he looked down at the paper. Like a knee-jerk reaction, he turned it so you couldn’t see. Since you had known John, you’d never seen any of his songs. Brian had told you the boy wrote but was too shy to actually let anyone read them. Freddie must have pushed him, it was about time, they were already going on their third album.
“What’s it about?” Deaky’s lips pressed into a tight line as he slid the paper over to you for you to properly look at, bouncing his leg.
“It’s um…just a song, you know, that I’ve been working on.” As you read, you tried to keep your face as neutral as possible.
“John?” Your voice rose a little as you comprehended the lyrics, a small smile fought its way to your face. “Is this…is this about…?”
“Premature ejaculation? Yes.” Nodding as you scanned over the words again, you handed the paper back.
“Strong lyrics, with the right tune, I have no doubt that’s going to be a catchy song.” A toothy grin began to spread across his face.
“You really think so?”
“I know so.” Scratching the back of his neck, Deaky looked down, blushing.
“Thanks, y/n”
It wasn’t long before the two of you began talking about other things, you had always found that John was easy to talk to. A surprise to Brian when the both of you first met, Deaky opened up with you more so than anyone else he’d seen, apart from Fred. Freddie always seemed to be able to get the boy to talk and come out of his shell, but then again you assumed that was just because it was Freddie, it was hard to not liven up when that man was around.
When Brian was done with his solo, he found John and you giggling like children on the couch. At the sight of his bandmate, John stood up, telling you it was his turn to record before leaving the room. Taking Deaky’s old spot on the couch, Brian sent you another smile.
“What were you two talking about?”
“There’s a new comedy that’s coming out this weekend, we're thinking about going to see it.” You noticed a flash of something in Brian’s eyes, but you couldn’t quite place the emotion. Bringing your legs up, you placed your feet on Brian’s lap as you leaned your back against the armrest. “You should definitely come with us, I think you’d like it.” That seemed to change something in Brian as he placed a hand on your legs.
“I don’t want to be a third wheel on your date.” Laughter erupted from you as you clutched your sides.
“Date? We’re not dating. It’s not a date.”
“No?” His serious expression killed your amusement.
“No!” Settling yourself, you looked back at him. “Why would you think that?” Looking away, he shrugged.
“I don’t know, you guys are always going out and…” Keeping his focus on your legs in his lap, he began picking at a loose thread on your jeans. “You’ve been disappearing some nights, I just figured you were hanging out with him.” Instantly your stomach dropped. A little while after you started school, you had been getting tutored for a particularly hard class. It was one you knew Brian could have helped you with, but you didn’t want him to know you needed help, you wanted to make it look like you could do it all by yourself. Which is why you kept the tutoring a secret, evasively answering whenever he asked where you’d been. You swallowed thickly.
“No! No, that’s not what I’ve been doing.” Finally, he lifted his gaze to yours.
“What have you been doing?” Moving to stand, you began to wring your hands together.
“Nothing.” You laughed, trying to avoid the topic and failing. It wasn’t the only thing you were failing. Suddenly the tight feeling was back, but this time looking at Brian didn’t help, it just made it worse. It was becoming far too hot in the room. “I’ll be back, I just have to use the restroom.” Giving him a mostly convincing smile, you turned to leave. If he hadn’t known you as well as he did, he wouldn’t have suspected a thing. But he did, in fact, know you.
Walking briskly down the hallway, you frantically looked for a secluded place to hide. To hide from your problems, from your fears and anxieties, from Brian’s expecting eyes. Finding a deserted room, you quickly closed the door, sitting against it as you brought your knees up to your chest. It had been a few years since you had a panic attack and you tried to remember how you used to calm yourself down as you focused on slow deep breaths. You felt like a child, panicking about the reprimands of a parent, but wanting nothing more than to be consoled by them.
Brian wasn’t the cause of your panic, not really. The real panic, at its root, was from the class you were failing. You’d tried everything you could think of, worked even harder and sought out tutoring to try and keep yourself above water, but it was becoming clear to you that if you didn’t pull a miracle out of your ass soon, you’d be drowning. All of this was making it harder to breathe, you felt helpless as you began falling into the black void of anxiety and fear in your mind. Suddenly, the door opened causing you to fall back, looking up at a bewildered Brian.
“There you are.” Moving to lean your back against the doorframe, your breathing became exceedingly shallow. Knowing you’d have no other choice but to admit to your failing grades. Both making them real and letting down Brian in a matter of minutes caused your panic to rise higher. “Hey,” He knelt down in front of you, his hands came up to rest on your shoulders. “Love, are you ok?” All you could do was shake your head. Grabbing your arms, Brian hoisted you up, moving you to sit on the couch. “Ok, I need you to lean forward and put your head between your knees. Can you do that for me, sweetheart?” Doing as he said, you leaned forward, his hand slowly began to stroke your back. “It’s going to be alright, I’m here. You’re going to be alright.” He continued to gently rub your back, telling you everything was going to be ok until your breathing finally evened out. Sitting back against the couch, you began to cry.
“I’m sorry, Bri.” Frantically, you began wiping away the tears from your face. This definitely wasn’t the first time he’d seen you cry, but you were desperate to keep what little composure you could. Reaching out, Brian pulled you to his side, running his hand up and down your arm in a soothing motion.
“You have nothing to be sorry for, love.” Though his touch was calming, you pulled away, afraid of being rejected after you admitted the truth.
“Brian, I’ve been going out at night for tutoring lessons. There is one class I’m taking and I don’t understand half of what’s going on, I feel like a complete idiot. I’m a handful of points away from completely failing it and I don’t know what to do,” Hiccuping as you rambled, you were unable to stop yourself. “And I didn’t want to tell you because you put so much effort into getting me into college, and if I fail you’ll be so disappointed in me, and that’s the last thing I want, but I don’t know what to do.” Pulling you back towards him, he laughed lightly.
“Sweetheart, it’s ok. First of all, I could never be disappointed in you, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I didn’t do anything to get you where you are, that was all you. You don’t give yourself enough recognition.” He booped your nose as he said this, causing you to laugh slightly. “Secondly, there is still time to turn your grades around and I will do whatever it takes to help you do that. And love,” Moving to look directly at you, he gave you a soft smile. “Even if you fail, it’s ok. It’s clear that you are trying your best and that’s all I could ever ask for. Failing a class is not the end of the world, and it most certainly does not mean you are unintelligent. Y/n, you are smarter than you give yourself credit for.” Kissing your forehead, he stood, pulling you up with him. “Alright?” Nodding your head, you sniffled.
“Yeah.” Pulling you in for a tight hug, Brian rested his head on top of yours.
“Now, are you hungry?”
“Starving.”