Work Text:
Levi said that celebrating birthdays was 'silly and a waste of time', and stood behind that resolve whenever he could.
"What's so great about your date of birth? Shouldn't your mother get the present,not you?" he would always ask Erwin when someone's birthday was mentioned. Levi meant it,too- he had heard plenty of horror stories of what a woman has to go through to give birth. "She deserves something for dealing with all that shit".
"That's what Mother's Day is for,Levi," Erwin would always reply in his slightly condescending tone,treating Levi like a child (Levi knew that Erwin didn't mean to, and probably didn't even realize that he had that habit with him). "Birthdays are to celebrate someone's life,look back at their achievements and acknowledge their accomplishments the past year. You could at least try to have fun,you know".
Levi would always counter with an irritated sigh,ending the conversation there. He could never understand the reasons behind celebrating someone's birthday. After all, he'd never had those kind of parties growing up and was perfectly fine with it.
He had never told Erwin when his birthday was either.
It was military issue to have one week off at the very end of December and another during the first week of January. Christmas and the beginning of the New Year were important holidays to spend with ones family and friends, and taking that away from soldiers would definitely create low morals. The Survey Corp's base was always pretty much empty this time of year, many having to travel far to see their loved ones. Levi would have left, too (maybe somewhere warmer, like further in the walls), but he didn't have any 'loved ones' to see. He wasn't sad about that fact,he had stopped caring a long time ago,but it was easy to get lonely when he knew everyone else was going to someone who actually cared and looked forward to seeing them. He would be spending this year with the others who had either no family like him or didn't desire to see anyone again. Levi didn't really spend time with them,though,he much preferred to be alone in his room or in front of the fire to catch up on some sleep. What he really wanted to do was train and forget the lonely,dangerous thoughts lurking at the back of his mind, but the heavy snow and cold prevented that.
Levi's dismay only grew when he found out Mike was leaving with Nanaba to visit her family, and that Hanji was running off somewhere with Moblit in tow. Erwin always disappeared this time of year as well. Levi thought that maybe since things were different between them Erwin would stay, but the day their holiday had begun Levi woke up with no one beside him. He tried to be understanding, really tried. He knew that Erwin was sometimes distant in the emotional part of their relationship. He knew that Erwin was very busy as Commander even with a holiday. He knew that Erwin probably had a family that loved and cared for him, too. But he couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment and sadness in his heart when Erwin had left without a goodbye.
Levi was alone, and it hurt.
It was that year Levi figured out why such things as birthdays were celebrated. It was just an excuse to be with friends, enjoy life for no reason other than to be happy. Levi thought it was selfish for wanting Erwin and Mike and the rest of his few friends with him now. They were probably out enjoying themselves while spending time with those they loved, and all Levi wanted was them to be here with him to make him happy. The guilt of his selfishness only worsened his mood, making him isolate himself even more than before. Before he knew it Levi had dug himself into a hole of crippling loneliness and had no way of crawling out.
He regretted not telling them about his birthday falling on the 25th then, and he knew that this would be one of the worst Christmases' in recent memory.
The week dragged on agonizingly slow, and Levi could feel the dread growing the closer it got to his birthday. Yet stopping time is impossible, and Levi found himself on Christmas Eve by himself again. He had been like this for a week and half now, the amount of sadness he felt up to this point surprising even to him. He stands outside, in the field behind the barracks, letting the cold numb his face and colour his nose red. The snow swirls around him and some flakes fall in his hair and lashes, but he doesn't bother brushing them away.
Erwin had told him people received presents on their birthday, usually a surprise but sometimes the person asked for something they would like. Levi considers what he kind of 'present' he wants as the white expanse is highlighted by the moon.
If someone asked, what would I tell them? he thinks.
I want Mike and Hanji and the others to come back. I want Erwin to be here with me, tell me I'm not alone, hold me to protect me from the cold and kiss me and tell me he missed me and show me that someone cares, that someone actually loves me. I don't want to be alone. I...I don't want to feel like this anymore...
Levi doesn't even realize he's close to tears until the first one falls. He quickly squeezes his eyes shut and tries to prevent more from falling by pressing the heels of his hands into them. This doesn't stop him from releasing a noise, a sad and broken moan. Levi feels pathetic then, and the shame of letting himself get like this causes more tears to spill over and they create hot tracks on his cheeks. He sniffs and wraps his arms around his middle, telling himself to stop crying over something so trivial when suddenly, so quietly that he thinks he's imagined it, he hears his name.
"Levi...are you alright?"
Levi turns and sees Erwin standing behind him, wrapped up in a black coat and scarf. And at first Levi can only stare because it's Erwin shin deep in snow with a concerned expression and it's Erwin pulling Levi into a warm hug. It's Erwin who came back for him.
"Levi, what's wrong? What happened?" Erwin murmurs into his hair as he strokes his back. Levi's shaking from the cold and trying to hold back his tears by now, so he lets himself go, pressing his face into Erwin's chest.
"W-why did you leave? Why didn't you tell me you were going to leave me?" he cries, and hates the way his voice trembles.
"I'm sorry Levi, I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry," Erwin answers softly. He pulls Levi closer and continues to rub his back.
"I was alone, Erwin, why...why did you go? I didn't-"
"Levi, I'm here now. It's OK, Levi, I'm here..."
He pulls back a bit so he can look at Levi directly. Erwin's face is filled with guilt, and Levi still can't help the shame bubbling up inside of him from acting like a spoiled child. Erwin kisses Levi, one on each cheek, then uses his thumb to wipe away Levi's tears. Erwin's thumb stays on his cheek and slowly rubs to comfort him.
"I'm sorry I left without telling you, Levi. I didn't realize it would make you so upset". Levi shakes his head and looks down, collecting his thoughts before he speaks.
"It's...it's not just because you left," Levi says quietly, "everyone was gone, seeing people who actually cared about them, and I...I guess I forgot how alone I am until now," he adds with a sniffle.
"Levi, no, you're not. You're not alone. I'm here, and you have Mike and Hanji, too". Levi nods, but Erwin can easily see the sadness he still holds. He hugs him again, pressing more kisses to his face before he tries to explain his absence.
"I tried to get here sooner for your birthday, but the recent snow delayed the boats-"
Levi suddenly pulls out of Erwin's hug and steps back, eyes widened in shock.
"But-Erwin, I never told you, how did you know about my birthday?"
Erwin smiles and says, "Levi, for someone so clever you can be surprisingly dull sometimes," Levi gives him his trademark scowl, but Erwin can see in his eyes that he's beginning to cheer up. "You're a member of the military, it's protocol to have a file about you that includes your birth date. As Commander I can access those files whenever I want. Of course I knew, Levi".
"Hmph," is all Levi says, even though those words make him happier than they should. He tries to give Erwin a small smile, but his lips immediately begin to wobble from the cold. Erwin's eyebrows lift in surprise at the trembling man before him.
"Oh, Levi, you're shaking from the cold," Erwin shrugs off his jacket and drapes it over Levi's slim shoulders, "here, this should keep you warm before we go inside". The jacket is much too big for Levi, going past his fingers, and he has to hold it with one hand to keep it from slipping. The winter air immediately attacks Erwin, and he uses the exposure as an excuse to embrace Levi again.
"T-thank you, Erwin. Is...is this, um, a present? For my birthday?" Levi asks shyly.
"It can be one of your presents, if that's what you want," Erwin laughs.
Levi pauses, taking a moment to appreciate the warmth from Erwin and his jacket, the smell of Erwin's cologne filling his nose.
"Yes. It is".